Chateau She Di’int!

Well folks, it’s finally the finale and the unveiling of the semi-finished Chateau Shereé…let’s get to the good stuff, tout de suite!  SBS has all hands on-deck, her party planning team is working overtime and they have the handsome pay stubs to prove it.  Unlike Johnnie, who is still pursuing his wage lawsuit against Kandi Koated Entertainment, but more on that later…

The housewarming party is five years in the making and if that wasn’t bad enough, SBS decides the party needs to have a masquerade theme.  SBS will be masquerading as someone who has money to actually pay for all of this.  Things are clicking along, until SBS finds out that the incorrect appliances were delivered so she will not have a refrigerator or stove present for the party.  That’s what happens when you purchased refurbished floor models, sometimes things get mixed up!  She has a li’l “who gon’ check me boo” moment, but her construction manager fires up the hot plate and fills the Styrofoam coolers with dry ice, you got this guuurrrrl!

who-gon-check-me-boo

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi takes Riley to her favorite hibachi restaurant, but they are missing out on the best part because they are sitting at one of those sad li’l tables on the side, rather than at an actual hibachi grill.  There will be no onion volcano for you li’l girl, this is a serious dinner, whereby you will pretend to try and form a relationship with your estranged, ne’er-do-well father.  Right on cue, Block walks in and sits down to receive his heaping helping of awkward.  Riley lets him listen to her recorded song and he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s written about him.  Man, say what you will about Block, but dayum he one sharp marble!  OY!

Sharp as marble

He asks Kandi to leave the table and she agrees it’s a good idea to give them some alone, bonding time.  Riley looks like she’d rather be contracting e-coli at Chipotle than conversating with this knob, or conversating with anyone for that matter!  Kandi returns after two minutes and Block announces that he feels Riley has been brainwashed.  This sets off a kerfuffle between Kandi and Block, but Riley points out that he is the adult so he is brainwashed if he thinks he resembled anything of a father.  Sensing that he is fighting a losing battle and that he looks particularly reprehensible on camera, he asks to wipe the slate clean and move forward.

In other reprehensible acts, Counselor Parks takes a second meeting with Johnnie and the employment attorney regarding his alleged lawsuit against Kandi.  Although the firm declines to represent him with regard to the OLG restaurant idea, they are salivating at the opportunity to represent him in the wage claim.  The angle will be violation of federal law regarding minimum wage, to which Counselor Parks offers up her “basic calculation” indicating that Johnnie was paid via loose change from Kandi’s pleather couch cushions, whilst working tirelessly to find feather dancers for Kandi’s “Coming to America” themed wedding.

Meanwhile, Kandi is laying out her Kandi Koated bondage themed outfit for the SBS masquerade housewarming when she receives a call from Don Juan.  He gives her the news about Johnnie’s complaint being filed, but Kandi has no fear.  She will dip in to her Tyler Perry, mogul-status, frivolous lawsuit fund and lawyer up.  Kandi knows Phaedra is behind this and she plans to confront her at the housewarming party.

As Phaedra oils up and slides into her Spanx, her date for the party shows up and is none other than Dwight, he is pinched, cinched, and ready to party.  He graciously lies to her by saying she looks fabulous in her dress, which is pinching her back fat within an inch of its life.

Porsha has some nominal screen time this week, which is a nice reprieve from her goofy-ass shenanigans.  She and Lauren visit their father’s grave, whereby Porsha has an epiphany, she is glad that low-rent Todd didn’t go for the baby-nup.  She needs somebody more kick-ass, like her father, who knew how to stand up and be a man!  However, low-rent Todd and his chunky Ralph Lauren sweater will suffice for now as her date for the Chateau Shereé extravaganza.

Now that we’ve had our tray-passed appetizers, let’s get to the meat.  It’s the night of the big party, SBS is in hair and makeup and she forms a prayer circle to find the strength to pull this off without appliances.  Security on deck to keep the nosey beyotches out of the unfinished, dusty areas – CHECK.  Holiday light projector found in storage, perfect for radiating “Chateau Shereé” onto the side of the house and inside walls – CHECK.  Cirque de Soleil reject twirling on a contraption over the Rent-A-Center coffee table – CHECK!

Chateau SBS Light

As the ladies arrive, they start kibitzing about the latest happenings at the OLG restaurant opening, but nobody was there for the baby-back ribs girlfriend, it was all about Apollo’s girlfriend and her search for her 15 minutes of fame.  Phaedra and Porsha conveniently take a hike so the rest of the group can talk shit.  Porsha fills Phaedra in on the OLG opening happenings, of course Phaedra thinks Kandi and Todd plotted to invite Apollo’s latest prison pen-pal.

The drama is cut short by the grand entrance of SBS in her hideous black and gold gown, looking like an insane matador from one of the square states.  She has actually hired gown-fluffers, as if she’s a bride or getting ready to break out into a Paso Doble on Dancing with the Atlanta Stars.

SBS grand entrance

The party starts to take on the appearance of a D-list celebrity death match.  It’s a parade of housewives past, Lisa Wu from the first two seasons shows up, but the real fun begins when Wigs-n-Cigs rolls in.  Oh, dear reader, her red Solo cup is full o’ boxed wine and she is ready to rumble.

Kenya saw the bat signal and made her way over the bog.  She can’t afford the $3.00 tour, so like a housewife removing groceries from her order at the cashier, she finds a way to make it work!  She recruits Kandi to dart past secuuuurrrrity and poke around in search of unfinished drywall and dusty baseboards.  They end up in the basement, which is shockingly…UNFINISHED!  Kenya feels she has hit the shade jackpot, but she is grasping at straws.  The real dirt is in the appliance-less kitchen!  Apparently, secuuuurrrrity consists of some beyotch with a top-knot who is totally asleep at the wheel.  She yells at Kenya and Kandi to get the hell out of the basement.  SBS is giving Wigs-n-Cigs a tour as said secuuuurrrrity runs in to inform her of the basement breach.  Kenya and Kandi trail in as she’s yelling “these beyotches be in yo’ basement!”  Wigs-n-Cigs ain’t havin’ it and now that she is SBS’ ride or die, she lays into Kenya.  Kenya mentions she will not be takin’ any shit from “octomom”, and the two start to exchange words.  SBS tries to forge ahead with the $3.00 tour and Kenya keeps pointing out all the ways that Chateau Shereé has copied or is inferior to Moore Manor.  Meanwhile, in the bedroom Wigs and Kandi are sorta making peace and Kenya is interfering with all the zen.  Wigs finally asks Kenya point-blank, “why are you just being an asshole?”

Wigs Cigs

She lays into her about her vagina falling out of her dress, not having a baby, or a real man at home.  Kenya fires back, six kids by three different men, a husband who has no job, and duck lips.  Dauym…while all of this is going on Frick and Frack are frolicking in the bathroom like two toddlers who have gotten into their mom’s makeup case.

Wigs and Kenya supply the pyrotechnics as they continue taking shots at each other.  SBS decides to put the kibosh on the fight, she whips off the skirt portion of her gown, as if she were a matador ready for a bull fight.  Under the gown is a catsuit, supplying ample camel toe for all to enjoy.  The camel toe has a calming effect and has squashed the drama, for now.

At the end of the night, Kandi and Phaedra sit down to finally confront their issues.  Kandi tells her she didn’t invite Apollo’s girlfriend to the OLG opening, she had nothing to do with it, and she even offers the Counselor an apology.  Which frankly, she didn’t have to do.  Kandi is doing that thing where she flies above the drama, at least until the reunion, where it appears her flight is shot down by Kamikaze cast mates.  Kandi asks Phaedra about her involvement with Johnnie’s lawsuit, but Phaedra claims she can’t speak about it and only offers that she didn’t initiate the action.  Sure, it wasn’t my idea, but when Johnnie brought it to me, I was on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, and rounds out the night, “you hate while I be great!”

In conclusion:

  • Phaedra – has her own legal woes, a judge sided with Apollo and threw out their divorce settlement, even though he’s technically still “engaged”.
  • Kandi – rakes in the coins, has more Grammy’s than anyone on this show, she co-wrote a song for Ed Sheeran.
  • Cynthia – celebrated her 50th birthday with a photo of her in a birthday suit. She and Papa Smurf are both back on Tinder, but they are not swiping right on each other.
  • Porsha – still living alone in her rented McMansion, she launched a new gimmick, a cleanse called “The Dump”, how apropos! Nothing new with her and Todd, or his chunky sweater.
  • Kenya – producing a PSA on domestic violence and the dangers of hiring D-rate actors to pose as boyfriends. She invited SBS over to Moore Manor to show her some tips on finishing a basement.
  • SBS – lives at the Chateau, despite rumors that it’s uninhabited. She is also collecting dirt for the sequel to her novel.

Next week – it’s part one of 83 of the reunion.

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Dust and Shade

The ATL is back, peaches!  Although off to a slow start, I have hopes that She by Shereé will bring back some pot-stirring sass.  Let’s start with thorough analysis of the new tag lines:

  • Phaedra – you can’t always get what you want, but I can. If what you want is to marry a convict and sleep on an air mattress.
  • Porsha – I’m too blessed to be stressed, and too sexy to be thirsty. Beauty fades, but stupid is FO’ EVA’!
  • Cynthia – Cynthia Bailey is ready to walk it alone. You should have RUN out of your wedding ceremony!
  • Kandi – Now that I’ve got my Ace, I have a full house. And a full potty too!
  • Kenya – I give the people what they want, and they always want Moore. Moore of your big booty bullshit.
  • She by Shereé – Don’t call it a comeback, call it a takeover. After all, who gon’ check her, BOO?

gon-check-me-boo

Kandi welcomed her baby Ace on 1/6/16, now he’s five months old and already potty training.  He gon’ have to learn it anyway, why not right outta the chute?  And I’m not talking about a kiddie potty, they have this baby propped up on their adult, oversized Kohler.  Sidebar:  Kandi is sporting some serious “I dream of genie hair” in her floating head interviews.

Across town, Moore Manor is still under construction, shocker.  Kenya calls it “a hot mess, like Porsha without makeup!”  Kenya dated Matt for about a year, but she dumped his ass because he snooped in her cell phone and hulked out in a hotel room.  As if her life isn’t in enough of a ramshackle disaster, she decides to host a housewarming party for her un-done home in T-minus 10 days?  And well, because who needs furniture to party?

In other dueling un-done home news, Chateau Shereé is about finished up, she just needs to spend about a million dollars in accessories.  Shereé wants a show stopper – all who enter will drop their faces off and she will even hire a butler to dust and help people pick up their faces.  She is not to be outdone!

Phaedra is busily getting on with her single life, she has hired a new “Goveness” a.k.a nanny, and she is still besties with Porsha.  As the two are kibitzing about the freaks on “Christian Mingle” over lemonade, a man with a horse drawn carriage delivers a tiara and invitation to Kenya’s housewarming party.  Porsha is not invited, so Phaedra gets the pot simmering by inviting Porsha as her date.

Porsha sees an anger management coach and confesses she was bullied in high school and became depressed and suicidal.  The counselor is like Stonewall Jackson, he gives her a blank, mouth-breathing, stare.  He looks like he’s thinking about how much data he has left on his cellular plan for the month.  He points out some valid points to consider, she is resilient for surviving the bullying in her youth, she must think about her reputation and career now that she is footin’ her own bills, and finally the most valuable lesson of all, short and tight is not her color.

Cynthia is the only one really dealing with anything newsworthy, and that is filing for divorce from Papa Smurf.  She wants to keep the house, which is in her name and she has a prenup that is probably filed away in a safe at her mother’s house along with the marriage license.  Cynthia puts on her best denim shreds and Urkel glasses to pay a visit to her divorce attorney.  He advises her to find the prenup, STAT…hopefully she didn’t accidentally burn it along with that friendship contract.

cynthia-divorce

It’s the night of the big housewarming and Cynthia is first to arrive, she’s appalled at the condition of Moore Manor.  Kenya’s minions are scurrying around, pulling shrink wrap off the furniture and the only semblance of hors d’oeuvres is a half-eaten can of wet dog food on the counter.  Kenya’s home isn’t the only thing unfinished, she forgot half of her outfit.  She is one hot second away from a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction.

kenya-outfit

Cynthia points out the flailing Mylar balloons in the corner that say “I love you” and are from Matt in a half-assed apology attempt.  Nothing says “I’m sorry for snooping through your phone and acting like a ‘roided out psycho in Mexico” like deflated silver hearts.

Cynthia heads downstairs to greet the guests on the makeshift red carpet, while Kenya dabs her tears with a nearby shop towel.  She by Shereé arrives and starts reading every square foot of Moore Manor, as expected.  See, all that sweeping She by Shereé was doing at her un-done home last season paid off!

Kenya is giving everyone a tour, but She by Shereé wants a hard had, dust mask, and a fan.  “Even the dogs had “tittie sweat.”  Kenya picks up on the shade and reiterates “it’s a soft opening”.  Next time, try a soft dust cloth.  All the ladies have dust all over their rented jumpsuits.

Next week, Porsha and Phaedra enter and Matt crashes the party.  She by Shereé cackles in delight, but like she says, who gon’ check me, boo?

shree-cackle