Feel the Burn

Impish music plays over the opening scene, which must mean we are in for something good and mischievous.  Yes, audience, it’s Melissa without her nose contouring makeup!  Excuse me while I shove my toothbrush up my nostril and try to scrub the image from my brain.

Melissa is rustling up some pancakes for her family and Joe enters the kitchen in his flu induced fog looking like he just rolled off of Willy Nelson’s tour bus.  He sets his eyes on a rather tall stack of pancakes, wondering if they will come shooting out of his ass.  Melissa gives him the lowdown on the birthday party and the “interrogization”.  Meanwhile, at the Goo-doo-chay household, Teresa cries to her Jusband (Juicy + Husband) about how awful Melissa is for not visiting her father in the hospital soon enough and then lying about it.  Both couples use their fingers to try and quantify Melissa’s visiting delay total.  It’s all too much math for them to handle.


At the Wakile’s, they are beyond pancakes and they are drinkin’ and cookin’ away.  Rosie likes to “get a little drink in her”, so they all hammer back a scotch and discuss birthday plans for Victoria and Richie.  Rosie is down fo’ what-eva, but she will not be breaking Amish.  She wants to smoke a ciggy and drink some moonshine.  The dilemma is that Victoria is only 19 and Richie is 49, so Kathy will pick some restaurant that needs some free publicity.


Speaking of restaurants that need free publicity…Caroline and Albert stop by “Little Town, NJ”, a new restaurant that the Boyz II Manzos are opening in Hoboken.  BLK “fulvic acid water” apparently isn’t turning out the coin they had hoped (don’t understand why), so what the hell, let’s open a restaurant because that’s so easy.  Albert critiques some type of cheezy corn fritter and suggests investing in a cookie cutter and serving grilled cheese circles, it will be a home run!  Sure Albert, if your patrons are 5 years old or hammered.  Caroline is not convinced that the Boyz II Manzos are going to have the kind of time needed to dedicate to the flailing BLK water of death and this new venture, but the Boyz think busy is good and look forward to “restaurant stress”.  Translation = Little Town will be sold to the highest bidder or belly up in a year.

Melissa is meeting with her book publishers while they give her a verbal ass kicking about not having seen any pages from her.  Joe sums up the gist of the book “KY Jelly sex and cat woman costumes respect”, but the publisher wants to dig deeper.  He asks Melissa about her father and she touches upon her trust issues due to the fact that “he was a great provider, but he would run out for milk and not return for days”.  Apparently he was not a great provider of his time and attention and the publishers encourage her to explore those issues, thinking it will give the book “a lot of heart”.

Jacs gets a visit from her trainer, Jolene, but Jacs doesn’t want to work out anything but her yapper.  Jolene convinces her to do one squat while Jacs’ puppy, Santino, sleeps on the treadmill.  Jacs tells Jolene about being accused of stalking Teresa at the gym.  Jolene makes a face and tries to get Jacs to do some triceps while she bitches.

Teresa and her mother in law, Filomena, arrive at the Paradise nail salon to have a mani and pedi.  Filomena actually gives Teresa some good advice about resolving things with Joe, “think of your parents and don’t put the kids in the middle.”  Teresa is deft to disregard and change the subject to trash Melissa and her “sexy marriage” book deal.  Filomena is equally as deft to jump on the Melissa bashing bandwagon and basically calls her a prostitution whooo-ahhh.

Back at the Gorga’s, Gino is yelling like a nut and Melissa is “working” on her book.  She selects some pictures for the book and of course she finds an old birthday card from her father that he gave her four days before he died.  Melissa reads it tearfully and says it’s almost like her father knew he was going to hit a tree and die.

Kathy has rented a careening party bus for the fambly (yes, you read that right) birthday celebration so that the gang can imbibe heavily.  A the destination, Joe Gorga is scoping out girls for young Joseph Wakile.  Meanwhile, the hens converge to get the scoop from Melissa.  Melissa asks Caro for feedback and the bomb is dropped, Caro states that neither Teresa or Melissa can converge and be civil.  Melissa begs to differ and presses for more details from the HO-HO-KUS caucus.  Caroline gives more advice that she pulled out of her ass, Teresa is not capable of having a relationship with either Melissa or Joe.  There, she said it.  Not one to let her gasoline and matches go to waste, Caroline reveals to Kathy that Teresa actually did not accept her apology from the reunion show.


Kathy and Richie have a drunken heart to heart and Kathy has a severe case of the “f*ck its”, Rosie joins in on the fun and reinforces the “f*ck its”, complete with shouting, and a choice hand gesture.  Jacs tries to usher Rosie out of the center of the party, but the scotch has made Rosie surly.  She is takin’ names and crackin’ skulls.  Victoria asks everyone to stop talking about the bullshit and Kathy is upset that Teresa is still putting a damper on the party even though she isn’t there.


The next day, while everyone is hung over, Teresa is working out with a trainer named Nicole, who sounds like a man.  Joe walks into the gym and starts bench pressing, not only do we learn that he is a grunter, but he is a screamer.  Note to Joe:  if you have to scream when you lift it, it’s too heavy.  Working out does not merit your “bear down poop face”.  Teresa saunters over and jovially offers to spot him, but looking up at her crotch, wrapped tightly in spandex, Joe doesn’t trust her. 


Teresa does her usual squeaky voice, pretend like nothing is wrong routine and Joe starts talking about how he needs to work out due to the mental stress she has caused him.  Teresa keeps digging her hole deeper and she insults Melissa.  Here is the quick recap of their argument:  pussy whipped, not pussy whipped, your kids, my kids, toxic environment, lip syncs, you cook, parents cook, uncalled for, you can’t cook, are you f*cking kidding me, my wife, you have facade in your head, I sick need help, you somethin’, wife is a pig, slut, whore, stripper, never said words, you let husband say that, I don’t call my wife a “C – U – Next – Tuesday”, how dare you, he didn’t call me that to my face, on phone with friend, she is angel from God, love her, love my children, how does Jusband treat your kids, you don’t wanna get involved, “it” not even a man, I call him “it”, done with you!  At that moment, Teresa pulls a She by Shereé and throws her bottle of water on Joe. 


They continue to shout at each other as she storms away and assaults an innocent garbage can.  Joe gets line of the night and the last word “go cook, go cook a book!”  Pun intended, I am sure.

Cautiously Opportunistic

We begin this week with Teresa dressed like a Mexican wrestler, pretending to work out with her trainer Linda.  The only work out they get is on their jaws because they are yakking and discussing G to the Ia’s upcoming 12th birthday party, which will be a risqué co-ed affair.  Teresa invited her brother Joe and she tells us she is “cautiously optimistic”.


Teresa reveals the she asked Juicy to speak to G to the Ia about the birds and the bees.  She says of her daughter, “When she gets old enough, I am taking her to the doctor and if she’s not a virgin, I am disowning her.”  Teresa is well on her way to winning mother of the year.  Juicy Joe decides to deliver the talk to his daughter over ice cream.  G to the Ia orders a cup of “Virginal Vanilla”, while Juicy settles on “Chastity Cherry Cheesecake”.  He lectures her about spending more time with her family rather than her friends.  Way to lead by example, Juicy the “Family Man”.  G to the Ia expresses her discontent with her sibling, Milania and the fact that she made a comment about her “hairy grill”.  Juicy Joe can’t figure this one out, and frankly neither can I, but I can make an educated guess.  Get that girl to the waxing station, STAT.  He changes the subject to boys and warns her that boys are going to want things, kisses, and “dis and dat”.  Bottom line, you don’t give boys anything they want.  G to the Ia also assures her dad that she won’t pick up smoking, so on and so forth.  Good talk, Juice Man, good talk.  He is signed up for a webinar next week called “Keep Yo’ Baby off Da’ Pole”.

At the Laurita’s, they are setting up a hyperbaric chamber bed for Nicholas to help with his Autism.  It should work wonders, after all Michael Jackson had one and look how he turned out, he loved children.  OY!  As Joe watches Jacs climb into the Ziploc bed with the boy, he realizes how blessed he is and that his feuding with Teresa is petty.  Although he has no plans to actually do anything about it.

Caroline reviews the HO-HO-KUS Caucus with Joe, but she leaves out the part about Teresa expecting an apology from him, which is a vital fact she may regret keeping to herself.  Joe is sent off to slaughter thinking Teresa is going to accept him without a catch.

Meanwhile, Rosie has taken Joseph out in Richie’s Ferrari “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” style.  It’s painfully evident that Joseph can’t drive and the rain and Rosie barking commands from the passenger seat are not helping.  When they finally arrive home, Kathy and Richie see them and are ready to kill the bot of ‘em.  Kathy looks like she fell ass backwards into the $1.00 bin at Goodwill.  Rosie “the cool aunt” takes the heat for Joseph and Richie totally changes his tune, undermining his wife.  Then to add insult to injury, he calls her “Crocodile Dundee” because of her floppy hat.


Teresa gets a call from her mom and finds out that her dad is in the hospital with pneumonia.  Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is so sick, he ate some soup and “it came right out of his ass.”  I think he made that up so he can skip the birthday party for G to the Ia.

We are treated to dueling scenes of Melissa and Kathy attempting to work out and across town, Teresa and Kim D. are meeting for coffee.  Then Jacs shows up to meet Kathy and Melissa, but she is not dressed for the gym because she has a fear of working out in public and she is late because she has a fear of driving.  Hmmm…who is the hyperbaric chamber really for, Jacs?  However, Jacs has no fear of scoffing at Linda, Teresa’s trainer and newest puppet.  Sure enough, Linda calls Teresa immediately and starts trashing Jacs and Kathy, saying how fat they are.  And we can’t leave Melissa out, how dare she be at the gym maintaining her perfect body while her father in law is dying in the hospital.  Yet it’s okay for Teresa to sit around and drink coffee with crypt keeper, bottom feeder Kim D.  With friends like that, who needs logic?

Christopher and Caroline Manzo arrive at home to find Caro’s sister Frannie outside with Juicy Joe Moo Shu the potbellied pig.  Frannie is an animal lover and takes them in, all shapes and sizes.  Caro configures a plan to lure Albert to the Hoboken apartment so he doesn’t find out that there is a pig living in his guest bedroom and miniature dogs urinating in his living room.

Teresa takes her girls to the salon for haircuts and Teresa and G to the Ia get into it over Joe not coming to the party.  G to the Ia pretends she doesn’t care, but she is obviously upset.  Teresa teases G to the Ia about the necklace she got from her “biffel”  (BFFL – best friend for life).  Milania says of the BFFL, “Christopher is a little wimp, I’m into older men.”  A kid after my own heart.

Melissa gets the kids ready to go to the birthday party, but Joe is still sick he needs to put a plug in his ass.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  I’m not sure if he has explosive diarrhea of the ass variety or if it’s just his mouth.  From under his leopard print throw, Joe shouts through the thick mist of hairspray “Don’t take any shit from anyone!”

It’s not all puppies and bacon at the birthday party, the cake looks like someone threw up on a gay pride flag and the name on the cake is “Gianna” instead of G to the Ia.  Teresa is embarrassing the shit out of her daughter.  G to the Ia does some quick thinking and tells her mother that there is free body glitter in the adult lounge at the Space Odyssey Battle Zone.  Teresa and Kim D. start bashing Melissa because she didn’t visit her father in law at the hospital soon enough for Teresa’s taste.  Melissa arrives and the crypt keeper starts “interrogizing” her immediately.  Joe has been sick, Melissa taking care of kids, working out, smoothies… blah blah blah.  Kim D. is up to her usual scumfuckery and she gets up in Melissa’s hairy grill. 


Teresa contends that Melissa is lying.  Melissa decides the whole scene is “gross” and she leaves the party and calls it a day.

HO-HO-KUS Caucus

We pick up this week at the Joo-duh-chay house of screams.  The girls are all fighting while making dinner and Teresa makes a lame ass attempt at parenting.  She tells the girls that if their grandfather was there he would be yelling at them.  Milania ain’t buyin’ it “no he would’t, he’s a nice little fella!”  Ha.  Ha.  Love.  That.  Kid.  Milania mocks Teresa the entire time she is lecturing them.  Teresa has the girls make cards for their “Nono” (grandpa) because he is having a pace maker installed.  Teresa emphasizes the severity of the sitch… “if his heart stops beating…”, and before Teresa can sugar coat it with her old timey talk, Milania busts out the straight dope, “HE DIES!”  G to the Ia is not amused by her younger sister and threatens to cut a bitch if she says that again.

Meanwhile, at the Gorga home of “Mom always said don’t play ball in the house”, Joe throws a football at his toddlers face and then tells him to never cry, never in the history of ever!  Melissa is whining that her overpriced re-done home has not sold.  Their realtor explains that $3.8 million is a hefty chunk o’ mortadella.  Melissa tells us that every week she goes to church and prays to God that her house will sell.  Sorry Melissa, on Sunday nights, God is too busy trying to keep up with those Kar-damn-dashians!

The Manzo mans is all a twitter with family bitchery.  Caroline sits down with Albert for coffee and Lauren snarls because Caro didn’t bring her any.  “Ever since she lost her weight, she is a rip roarin’ bitch” Caro says of her daughter.  Of course she’s a bitch, she’s HON-GRAY!  Get the girl an orange Fanta and some Funions!  In an interesting turn of events, Caroline’s sister, Fran, enters the scene with her dog Frito.  Frito smells like Frito’s and he is making Lauren more HON-GRAY!  Fran has been co-habitaing with the Manzo clan since her divorce.  Caroline kicks Fran and Frito out of the kitchen so she can set up her scene for this episode, she tells Albert she is going to call a summit with Teresa to mediate the sibling fight.

At the Wakilie’s place, young Joseph is learning to drive.  Kathy lectures him about back seat nuisances as Richie is smacking Joseph in the head from the back seat and making inappropriate jokes.  Later, Kathy and Richie drop by to visit Victoria at college.  Richie makes a crack about her friends taking full advantage of the meal plan.  They take a tour of one of the nursing classrooms and Richie fondles the nursing dummies.  I’ve grown tired of these two.


Teresa has dug up that ramshackle disaster known as Kim D. and they are in the parking lot at the hospital where Teresa’s father was staying.  What a co-wink-e-dink, at that moment Teresa receives the text from Caroline asking to meet and discuss.  I can see it now…Caroline Manzo at the Learning Annex… “Let Me Tell You Something, Life Coaching for Idiots”.

Lauren does Caroline’s makeup in prep for the big caucus.  They discuss the Goo-boo-chay children being raised by wolves and why would the Gorga’s want to subject their angelic children to that?  Meanwhile, at the Boo-hoo-chays, Juicy Joe is looking at some papers with a magnifying glass and Teresa is on her way out the door to meet with the matriarch.  Teresa tells a rather disgusting story about why her brother fell for Melissa, something about putting menstrual blood in his wine.  Ucck…She makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after an entire box of Menstrual Merlot.

The Gorga’s welcome some prospective buyers for an open house and Melissa thinks that having the boys fighting on the couch is a good selling point because it reeks of family.  It reeks all right…one of the buyers looking at the home is a friend of Teresa’s.  They rip apart the bathroom and the fake marble sink and the realtor gives Melissa a reality check, if they get an offer for $3.8 million they should take it and run.

Caro and Teresa meet in a private room at the HO-HO-KUS Inn and Tavern.  Teresa walks in and they start out with smiles, but Caro cuts to the chase.  Teresa is not having any of it and Caro gives her an “A” for her deft deflecting effort.

Back at the Laurita’s, they are hosting a party for the rest of the gang.  Rosie and the guys retire to the man-cave for some poker, while the ladies stay upstairs and gossip about the people who came to look at Melissa’s house.  They guys have more pressing concerns such as; is Rosie a boob or an ass girl, has she ever been with a man, and does she get into strap ons?  Answers:  Boob, Gold Star Lesbian, and Awwww HELL to the NO!


In a nice moment, Nicholas is able to say “I love you” to Jacs via coaching from Chris.  Everyone takes in a healthy dose of perspective.  Back at the HO-HO-KUS Caucus, Caro is still coaching Teresa, Caro throws up some crazy fingers, she throws out the dying dad card, oh Manzohnoshedin’nt…


Teresa finally concedes to meet Joe half-way.  Caro will carry the message back to Joe and the ladies part weaves.  Caro feels somewhat accomplished, but she needs an effing drink.  That’s what a long day of meddling will do to you!

Whose Fault is it Anyway?

Can all the king’s horses, all the king’s men, and hurricane Sandy put these nutbags together again?  The short answer is “No”, the long answer is “Hell to the NO!”

We revisit the damage caused by Hurricane Sandy and several of the ladies have sustained damage at their shore homes.  As Teresa and Juicy Joe survey the damage, Tre notes that she “definitely woulda drownded”.  Ahh…Teresa, you don’t disappoint with your bottomless bat shit crazy bag of stupidity.

Juicy on the other hand is excited about the hurricane because it will stimulate the economy and now he will have some work to do, seeing as he “hasn’t done shit in a while”.  We must cut the Juice man some slack, it’s hard to hold down a full time job when you are busy falsifying your identity, embezzling, racketeering, indecent exposing, drunken driving, weapon carrying, kick boxing, pizza delivering, pants crapping, and whatever the hell else that fat salami does with his time.  Trying to stay out of jail is a full time job in itself!  Of course, Teresa has to remind us how wonderful her marriage is and her brother Joe is still in the dog house.  If she and Juicy haven’t gotten divorced by now, well then they are solid.  Good theory.  Since Tre and her bro haven’t spoken since he texted “you’re dead to me”, Tre must be in the right in this family feud.  Another solid theory that will keep her locked in her own personal pit of hell for all eternity.

Back at the Joo-DUH-Chay Mans, the girls are gathering items to give away to the people who lost everything.  Because nothing cheers up the down and out like some glitter glue and a leopard print monokini.  Milania is older now, her command of the English slanguage is expanding, and she has an extra dash o’ sass.  She presses Teresa about seeing her cousins and Teresa gives her a load of shit.  Milania reads her like a used TV guide and asks “don’t you miss your brother?”

Meanwhile at the Laurita household, Jacs and Chris fawn over Nicholas who is struggling with Autism.  He is learning new important words, like “iPad”.  Not much to say here, they are going through a legit struggle.

At the Gorga’s, Melissa shows Joe a letter that Antonia wrote to Milania.  Melissa is upset that the kids can’t be together, but she doesn’t want the negativity.  Melissa allows Antonia to mail the letter, Antonia looks up at her mother, wondering about this pony express mailing system that her mother speaks of.  After all, they live right next door to them, they could just walk over…sad.  Joe is upset that Teresa is molding her kids to be against them.  “Children will listen to the parents, it’s inedible”.  Yes Joe, it’s inedible, as inedible as those disgusting sprinkle cookies your wife had the audacity to bring to your sister’s re-done home.

We flash over to the Wakile residence and ROSIE is back!  She’s got a bad case of first world problems.  She can’t find the love of a good woman, at the bars they are all hammered (go figure), and on the internet they are all freaks (say it isn’t so!)  Call Nev Schulman…our dear Rosie was Catfished!  The photo indicated that Rosie would be meeting a hot blonde, but she was greeted with 300 pounder that had rotten teeth.  Wah wha…

Milania receives Antonia’s letter and she wants to write back immediately, but Teresa offers to call her over for a play date and to give Antonia her Birthday gift.  As my cold, black heart warms three degrees, G to the Ia will not let this cheerfulness fester.  She quickly points out that they were not invited to Antonia’s birthday party.  Teresa’s third child, Gabrialla, is standing in the corner looking on.  I swear that kid is a creeper and one of these days she is gonna go ape shit and stab Teresa in her sleep.  G to the Ia shows Juicy the letter and he slings some mud about Joe and Melissa’s parenting.  Teresa thinks that Melissa is behind the letter and it’s her half-assed attempted at an apology.  When Antonia and Milania get on the phone, Antonia is instructed to provide a non-committal answer, “We will plan a play date soon.”

Caroline and Al are renting an apartment in Hoboken for a year to see if they may like to downsize and sell their house.  It has NOTHING to do with Caro wanting to hover over her sons who live in the same town.  N-O-T-H-I-N-G…and if you think it does, you’re STUPID!  Melissa and Joe arrive for a visit and the talk is all about playdategate.  Melissa sends Teresa a text and Teresa is at dinner with her Neanderthal hubby and she is half in the bag.  It’s a motherf*ckin’ text off over this play date.  Juicy offers his wife some really sound advice, “Compromise and call her a stank ass beyotch”.  Melissa decides to drop it because Caro is uncomfortable over the texting war.  “Let me tell you something Caro” lays it down… “It’s not an economic summit, just put the kids in the car and take ‘em somewhere!”  Juicy (a.k.a. F*ckface Von Clownstick) waxes philosophical “at the end of the day, how’s that song go, were all just uh…”  Tre completes his thought, “dust in the air”.  Ahh…these two barely complete each other.

Caroline and Jacs get together for a visit the next day and re-hash the Gorga/Goo-doo-chay drama.  Jacs says she is so over it, listening to this bullshit is right up there on her priority list along with “bleaching my asshole”.

Teresa takes G to the Ia shopping at Posche for Jr. Nutbags and she’s all excited about her turning 12.  G to the Ia gives her major ‘tude and parades around the store with her Louis Vuitton bag.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  G to the Ia is all about the short, tight skirts and confesses there is a boy she likes.  Teresa isn’t ready for the “talk” with G to the Ia because she hasn’t gotten her “monthly bill” yet.  Geez, is it 1920 in Jersey?  Anyhoo, Tre gets a text from Melissa still asking to take the girls out.  G to the Ia tells Tre, “don’t let her take Milania out of the blue moon!”  Glad to see the misuse of colloquialisms is being handed down.  G to the Ia can’t stand Teresa’s slow texting fingers and she commands the iPhone.  She texts Melissa back on Teresa’s behalf saying that Teresa and Milania will meet them at the play date together.


It’s the big play date day…Joe tells Melissa he has been summoned by the all-knowing, all-wise, forever butting-in, let me tell you something, Caroline.  Melissa finds this odd, but has no time to ponder it, she has an unnecessary fedora to wear and a play date to get to.  Teresa is driving Milania to the beadery shop and Milania has zero f*cks to give, she is more concerned about pulling out all her nose hairs.  Juicy calls and asks Milania if she’s excited to “see horsey face”, which of course Milania hears and keeps repeating.  The girls arrive at the beadery and they hug like long lost friends.  Melissa and Teresa manage to remain cordial, but hey, we got 10 minutes left, these bitches can still pop the eff off on each other.  Antonia opens the birthday gift from the Goo-DUH-chays and it’s an iPod.  Melissa is annoyed at the expensive gift and says a better gift would be for Teresa to shut her cannoli hole.


Caro and Joe have their summit over coffee and Caro dishes out a heaping spatula full of unsolicited advice.  Caroline tells him she didn’t want to get involved, but she doesn’t mind if she do!  “Sometimes, you’ve gotta take a beating to do what’s right,” Caro says.  Joe starts crying because he realizes that the “Fu Man Chu” goatee he has grown looks asinine.

Back at the beadery, the girls make some jewelry and Melissa is micromanaging their beading skills.  Through thought provoking discussion, Tre and Melissa come to find out that they have both booked Antonia and Gabriella’s communion on the same day.  Teresa offers to be the “bigger asshole person” and change Gabriella’s date.  The excruciating play date comes to an end and Milania and Antonia give each other a tearful goodbye.

Caro and Joe have talked into the wee hours of the nigh because it is dark out now as Joe weeps in Caroline’s bosom.  Caro feels his pain, after all she is still feuding with her sister Dina.  We get a small glimpse of the upcoming season and it looks like intense drama filled with screaming, hysteria, thrashing about, and some funky Outward Bound trust exercises.