Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.


50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”


There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!


Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but she her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.


Bein’ Hood in Barcelona

It’s day two at 8 a.m. at the quaint Villa for wayward housewives, Eva surveys the women for coffee, but even the Wigs-n-Cigs wig is tore up from the floor up.  They all look like they just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  SBS is aching from sleeping on a cot next to a barred window.  She is envious of Prison BAE, for he sleeps on a pillowy bed of ramen noodles.

Kandi and 50-Cynt seem to be the only survivors from the night before, they are all fluffed, freshened, magnetic lashes in place, wig glue secure, and ready to start the day.  50-Cynt admits that the Villa leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a bit like online dating, everything looks better in photos and may or may not have a clandestine girlfriend behind the secret door masquerading as a book shelf in the library.  Porsha arrives at the table, ready to re-hash the 3 a.m. feeble attempts to fulfill items on the bucket list.  We are treated to iPhone footage of the women twerkin’ at 3 a.m. – Bravo intern, take note… this is the kind of footage I can get behind.  As the ladies arrive at the table hangry, several li’l mini-eruptions are flaring like a river of hot, ferocious, magma!  Notably, Eva who is not too keen on Shamea asking her about her sexuality, especially when she’s involved with a Mayor to be.  Marlo lectures that the truth shall set everyone free, unless you’re backpedalin’ Porsha.

Nene saunters in and announces that everyone will be moving to a hotel, but first they will tool around Barcelona in mini-cars as 50-Cynt has planned.  They board the Mercedes-Benz party-bus to netherland and 50-Cynt requests an update on the bucket list challenge.  Nene claims she ate a salty ball with hair on it, again — where is this footage, Bravo intern?

Schweddy ball

Marlo did a slut dance with her ass out as seen in the 3 a.m. footage (in other words, a typical Tuesday night).  Marlo challenges 50-Cynt to kiss Kandi with tongue, but Kandi is minding her manners after drug-drag-rape-gate last season.  SBS is fully committed to love before, during, and after lockup and will not tongue anyone other than Prison BAE through the plexiglass, let alone be sloppy seconds!  However, in desperate attempt to win favor among these unstable skanks, Porsha is on board with being dirty thirds.  50-Cynt proceeds to rinse out her mouth and then sticks the tip of her tongue in Porsha’s mouth, and ends up licking Porsha’s teeth.  Porsha is freaked, good thing she flossed.  Ummm… eww.  I don’t know why this marks some sort of astounding accomplishment in life, but the girls have gone wild.  The indoor irrational skank voice modulation issues are at an all-time high.  As a sidebar here, 50-Cynt is wearing a tee-shirt that has names of supermodels, “Cindy, Naomi, Linda…” and she has written in her own name with fabric paint she found for $1.00 at Hobby Lobby.

Cynthia tongue

They arrive at the go-car rental place and no sooner than 30 seconds out of the chute, Porsha crashes into the back end of another go-car.  And I don’t mean fender bender, I mean full on crash, her front end is wedged under the back end of the other go-car.

Porsha crash

She cries faulty brakes and they let her get into another go-car with her 10” stilettos.  Seriously ladies, would it kill you to put appropriate footwear on yo’ dayum feet for these activities?!?!  Can we get some Crocs… STAT!


As they tear up the town it starts raining and it’s a housewife freak-out of epic proportion.  They make a pit-stop at a huge market that carries every food imaginable and alcohol as far as their American eyes can see.  Porsha tries to order Hennessy and Coke in Spanish, Nene thinks “to hell wit’ it” and orders an entire bottle of Absolut.  Porsha tries some octopus and deems herself Baby Vegan on the Backslide – yes backsliding right into the tentacles of the drama.  Nene wants to discuss the whole Wigs-n-Cigs situation and she tells us for the 189th time that those were water bugs.  Nene is also upset that Porsha and SBS didn’t stand up for her.  SBS agrees to be the one who gon’ check Wigs and her red Solo cup, Boo… and she will tell Wigs her behavior is not cool.  Eva looks generally, low-key annoyed at all of this.

Nene makes light of the cock roach accusation and states she did have three roaches and she named them, Wigs, Brielle, and Kroy.  Aww Nene, two wrong tweets don’t make a right – keep it classy, bitch!  Marlo starts riding Porsha about confronting Wigs, but Porsha isn’t playin’ monkey in the middle.  Nene and Wigs will “cut each other down to the white meat and then two minutes later be BFF.”  That’s probably the smartest thing Porsha has ever decided in her adult life, other than walking out on that blind date.

Marlo must have had too many self-serve Absolut shots because she is way off the rails and yelling in Porsha’s face.  Nene actually comes to Porsha’s defense and tells Marlo to take it down a level or ten, but Marlo will not let the door mat that was too small, slide by without a proper match.  Porsha becomes emotional because the door mat was a gift from her mom and it has sentimental value.  Can I say this is the dumbest argument in the explored universe?

Turns out the petty door mat argument is just an appetizer before the main course, Marlo decides it’s her duty to insert herself into the stale situation between Porsha and Kandi.  Uggg… Marlo, you’ve been picking up your gossip at the outlet mall because honey, this is sooooo last season!  Marlo tries to drag Kandi into it, but Kandi wants no part of this mother*ckin’ shakedown.  Porsha starts to lose it and she’s waving her collapsible fan in Marlo’s face.  Marlo tries to rip it out of her hand like a swift, effective, killing machine.  She scares everyone to their utter core, they all jump up, and Kandi reminds everyone that they do not want to be arrested in Spain.  They high-tail it out of the market as security surrounds them, but Nene is sure to grab her bottle of Absolut!  We all have flashbacks to that reunion where Porsha snatched the scepter out of Kenya’s hand, but let’s hope Porsha can channel her three anger management lessons so it doesn’t end the same way.

The group separates into two factions, Marlo keeps going on and on, everyone wants her to shut the f*ck up as the police are now trailing them.  Porsha says “she puts the “low” in Marlo” and claims she has some dirt about Marlo, which Nene told her in confidence.  So… She will cryptically dangle that li’l carrot out there and keep it to herself, until she doesn’t.

The best part of the episode is when the ladies arrive back at the ramshackle Villa and 50-Cynt gets her wig caught in the door knocker and almost loses her wig.  As the ladies retreat to their respective cells to gather their commissary items, Porsha wanders down to Nene’s cell block.  She announces she’s feeling too beat-down and will be exiting Barcelona, stage left.  Nene gives her best try at a pep-talk, but fails.  Porsha would rather spend time with her family instead of trying to win-over this parade of unstable slut-tards.  Porsha whips out her iPhone and asks Siri to draft a resignation letter to Andy Cohen.  Nene accepts her decision and feels a bit pumped-up to step into the “big sister” role.  Who woulda thunk there are two sensitive, caring people under all that wig glue and contouring?  The more you know, the less you ho!

More you know

Next time – Marlo puts duct tape on SBS boobs for some godforsaken reason, 50-Cynt takes a ho-bath and calls it being baptized, Nene sticks her foot in her mouth regarding Prison BAE, and riots in Barcelona scare the wigs off the ladies.

Roach Motel

There’s a lot to unpack here and I feel like this is one of those “potpourri” episodes, a little of this, a little of that, some strange looking twigs, and some fragrant wood shavings that smell like an unfinished basement.  The ladies have landed in Barcelona, but it appears they have an entire day to kill because the Air BNB villa won’t be ready for check in until midnight.  Nothing good can come from this.

At this juncture, there are two very critical things happening.  First – 50-Cynt presents her “bucket list challenge” as “Addendum F” to the Friendship Contract.  Secondly – I realized I have heretofore been spelling 50-Cynt incorrectly. (I spelled it 50-Cint – don’t ask me why, because of course 50-Cynt makes total sense) DERP!  But enough about my inadequacies, let’s dive into this hot mess Barcelona bucket-list shall we?

The list has been signed, notarized, and contains an assortment of undesirable acts, such as “Pinch a man’s butt”, “take a shot with a stranger”, “eat a foreign delicacy”, “Swap personality for a day”.  As SBS calls it, “these bitches do this shit every day!”  I understand 50-Cynt is just tryna have fun, but besides her outfit, this is the dorkiest shit she’s ever pulled.

bucket list

Always on the scary shuttle ride from the airport to wherever, the women start getting’ catty and hangry.  Marlo immediately sinks her Petco choppers into Kandi and tells her that she needs etiquette lessons.  Yes people, Marlo teaches her own etiquette class at the learning annex, and I guess she’s a self-proclaimed expert on lessoning dry ladies to be more warm and welcoming.  Lesson one – Burp at the dinner table from the depths of your ghastly core whenever possible.  You want Kandi to warm up her stank face?  Give the girl some chicken fingers with dipping sauce, you’ll have a friend for life.  Nene takes the opportunity on the bus ride to openly slam Wigs-n-Cigs for not coming on the trip and runs through the list of all her lame excuses and alleged ailments.

50-Cynt has arranged for a light lunch at some breathtaking, in-between location where they will not be lodging.  The gang continues their potpourri of conversation – Kandi reveals that Nene is going on tour with her and will bust out her stand-up comedy.  Say wha?  Eva talks about her boyfriend who is running for Mayor and Shamea, in a failed attempt to stir up trouble, asks Eva if her man is okay with her dippin’ in da’ lady pond with one Missy Elliott.  Someone needs to lockdown these women from the internet.  Eva confirms that she’s strictly dickly as of now, although she took a swim or two in her youth.

The talk migrates over to Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist, but 50-Cynt is strictly team-Will.  She stands by his lies, Porsha tries to pipe up and 50-Cynt shuts her down like an illegal daycare center.  Porsha has history of spewing things out of her baby-vegan hole, such as Papa Smurf pays his waitresses in penis.  Porsha is knocked back in her place, 50-Cynt packed her backbone in her carry-on!

There is so much talk going on at the same time, this is hard to decipher, but someone asks 50-Cynt if she has licked balls or how many she’s had in her mouth.  She recoils in disgust, Porsha yells “naw that’s too close to the asshole”, whilst Kandi looks puzzled… “why, teabagging is a must!”  Scribble that one in as number #11 on the 50-Cynt bucket list!


The ladies still have about six hours to kill, so they stroll down the streets of Barcelona like a pack o’ wild gypsies.  Shamea takes the opportunity to check off an item on the 50-Cynt bucket list of horrors and she dances in the street, which is just sad and odd.

shamea dancing

They finally arrive at the Victoria Villa, and well… it looked much better online.  It has eight bedrooms, it’s fully staffed, but it’s nowhere near the ATL standards.  We are treated to a flashback of all the five-star lodging the women have experienced over the years.  Yeah…. This shitty li’l villa ain’t gonna cut it!  Everyone is acting like RHNY Ramona, fighting over the rooms like entitled twats.  Ooops, did I type that out loud?

Nene creates a brilliant system whereby the oldest in age should be on the top floors and then trickle down to the youngins in the basement.  Nene calls a villa meeting, but Kandi is not giving up her penthouse suite with private bathroom and spectacular view of the city.  Ya’ snooze, ya’ lose.  They argue for a while longer and then retire to their rooms to put on their pajamas for a late-night dinner.  They are wearing some weird ass shit.  Porsha is wearing a rhinestone breast harness and is in the midst of an allergic reaction to her eyelash glue, so she accessorizes with shades.

Marlo is fluttering around with her crew, doing a pre-dinner shit stir.  50-Cynt is on full-blown blast for being defensive over Will and Kandi is still too dry, who cares if she’s a “MONGOL”.  Muy bien nachos!  Marlo “check my charges a f*cking dictionary”, the bitch is a straight-up MOGUL and could buy and sell yo’ dumb ass ten times!

SBS is horrified by the low-quality towels that could exfoliate a porcupine, so she decides to stir some shit up as well.  She gets Wigs-n-Cigs on speaker phone, alongside Porsha and Shamea.  SBS reveals all the shade Nene threw, and leave it to li’l dingy Porsha to tell Wigs how amazing it is that she is a “cancer survivor”.  Wigs corrects Porsha and states she never had cancer.  Oh, how quickly the wig glue has deteriorated your hippocampus and cortex.  ROLL THE SEASON ONE REUNION – Wigs, I was 90% sure I had cancer, in a Chili’s parking lot, turns out I did not have cancer, the Awesome Blossom was extra tasty that night!  ASK, BELIEVE, RECEIVE!

Wigs season 1

Wigs is so fired-up upon hearing that Nene is basically saying Wigs has suffered none of these “alleged ailments”, she starts yelling about Nene parking her Rent-a-Royce in a handicapped spot and the roaches in her bathroom.  SBS has done it again, stirred up that pot nice-n-thick.

SBS on phone

Marlo set the table nicely and placed a blonde wig at the head of the table and a crown for their “special guests”.  In an odd, random, funny moment, SBS asks Porsha to get her a “vodka and Fanta” – son of a motherless goat, who still drinks FANTA!?!?


These bitches can’t even have a meal without quarrelling like squirrels over an acorn shell.  Nene and Marlo are starting in on Kandi, and then ping, ping, ping… everyone is receiving texts on their iPhones.  Wigs has sent everyone a text with the cockroach video taken inside Nene’s home and a photo of the Rent-a-Royce in the handicapped spot.  Nene goes off and SBS joyfully owns up to telling Wigs every-thang that Nene said on the Barcelona bus ride from hell.

It appears the fiery rage emanating from Nene’s wiglette has melted her eyelash glue and her lids are glued shut.  She goes off on, well everybody.  “CAN’T NONE OF Y’ALL STEP IN MY HOUSE AND SAY A MOTHERF*UCKIN’ THANG, ALL MY SHIT IS BRAND NEW WITH TAGS ON IN SHRINKWRAP, Y’ALL BITCHES AIN’T EVEN GOT POOLS!”  Nene cannot contain her rage, her comeback to Wigs, “she has worms in her ASS!”  Is that even like, a thing in humans?

Mic drop… Buenas noches, Dulces sueños, la cucaracha, NACHOS!  Next time – the madness in Barcelona continues, Marlo and Porsha go at it.

Cured Beef

So we meat again… this week, our ladies attempt to squash the beef and another Bravo mandated group trip to the center of Satan’s asshole is on the books.  Let’s saddle up and get out our cattle prods, shall we?

Eva has dropped a bomb on the Will BBQ and as 50-Cint is avoiding the cameras while she uses her chin blotting papers to dab her salty tears.  Last week Porsha acted as if she too had some real dirt on Mr. Will, but all she manages to scrounge up from the bottom of her linty pocket is a basic repeat of what we already know.  Will is seeing another woman, but since he’s an opportunist, he is hanging with 50-Cint for the free swag-bags.  As the group disbands for the night, Mama Joyce sidles up to an unsuspecting Porsha and demands a sit-down sometime soon, as in tomorrow morning at 11 a.m. sharp!

50-Cint and Will have an angst-ridden ride home.  He’s aghast at the accusation that he is an opportunist – CHILE PUHLEAZE – what opportunity could he possibly get by keeping 50-Cint on his arm?  Uh… Will… you’re fame whore is showing.  Can someone start the application process for this gent to be the first African-American Bachelor and get him off the Bravo network?

The next day, Porsha and Mama Joyce have a fairly uneventful sit down, Mama has left her Wal-Mart Wedge of Death and Destruction at home and opted for a comfortable loafer.  They order up some sweet tea and brussel sprouts, and Porsha the meat-hating monster, asks the waiter to hold the bacon.

Hold the bacon

Mama cuts to the chase, what the hell is up with all that bull-honkey Porsha spoke about Kandi.  Porsha explains that she trusted her then BFF, Counselor Parks, and took her word as fact.  Well, that was your first mistake, aside from going vegan and that wig line, chile!  This was actually a well-played move since Mama despises Phaedra and is still bitter about the Counselor hooking up her kid with a “worker” – tiny Todd man, this means you.  Things worked out for the best, Kandi took a lemon – tiny Todd man, this still means you – and Kandi made the best lemonade on the block!  Porsha laughs uncomfortably and Mama declares Porsha is a real “ride or die chick”, but she needs to re-evaluate to whom she is loyal.  Mama advises her to keep trying with Kandi and maybe they can grind the old beef.  Newsflash y’all – Kandi ain’t never gettin’ over this.

Mama Porsha

50-Cint and Nene meet up for dinner and the only possible explanation for 50-Cint’s red NY Yankee’s had is that she didn’t have time to powder her wiglette.  Nene looks like a tarot card reader who just raided the clearance box at Goodwill on her way to Burning Man.  They dissect the Will bomb and Nene dubs Kenya as “Captain Sav-A-Bitch”, trying to mediate the situation that had nothing to do with her.  Nene warns her ol’ BFF to be careful, Will is a bit to greezy and sly for her taste.  50-Cint needs a man who is a “li’l rough” like Papa Smurf.  50-Cint believes a girl’s trip is in good order, she has been nominated to organize the Bravo mandated group trip into the fiery core of despair.  Destination – Barcelona on a budget!  Nene will co-host, but she’s not too keen on all this “budget” talk.  50-Cint has charts, graphs, and a Groupon budget.  She found the cutest li’l Air BNB, what could possibly go wrong?  Well, Wigs-n-Cigs, that’s what.  50-Cint wants to include Wigs on the guest list, but Nene already has Wigs’ rolodex of excuses memorized, number one is that Uber driver, Kroy, can’t tag along because his butt implants are leaking a lethal mixture of liquid nails and gorilla glue into his blood stream.

Meanwhile, in other fake news…. Kenya asks her cousin, Che, to accompany her at the doctor’s office where she pretends to be pregnant by her husband who doesn’t even live in the same state.  She’s six weeks late and 46 years old [ahem… add 5 years on here] and she needs a blood test because her dollar store pee stick result was inconclusive.  This is all just a big ruse to not go on the mandated trip from hell and to pave the way for her exit from the show – we can only hope.  Kenya girl, you ain’t pregnant, you menopausal.

50-Cint is clearly eating her feelings throughout this episode.  She meets Papa Smurf for an entrée or four to discuss her feelings about why he ghosted on her at Kandi’s event.  As Papa explains how he felt extremely uncomfortable seeing the woman he’s still in love with on a date with an opportunist scum bag, 50-Cint shovels in the lobster rolls as if they are becoming extinct.  Seriously now, this is some emotional eating next-level shit.  50-Cint is desperately trying to form a divorce friendship contact, but guuuurrrl… Legal Zoom doesn’t have a template for that.  In summation – Papa Smurf gives her some sage advice, stop stressing and live how a bitch wants to live!

Cynthia Peter

Porsha is so excited to be invited on the Barcelona trip, she decides to host a “No Beef” dinner.  I can understand the pun of squashing the quarrels, but to serve a dinner without any meat just makes you a monster.  THIS IS A HUGE MISS STEAK!

Miss Steak

Marlo “check my charges” is the first to show up and throw shade at Porsha’s McMans rental.  How petty do you need to be in order to want to go to criticize the dimensions of the welcome mat?  The doormat is too small, the doorbell doesn’t work, the décor inside looks like a bridal shower, and the vegan food tastes like the forest floor.  SBS gives us the best possible response to Marlo having a dead animal hanging off the side of her Mumu at a vegan dinner party, “what kinda fragglenackle bull crap is this?”  Yes, that is the burning question of the hour.

Wigs-n-Cigs rolls up, chauffeured in her Escalade, and we can hear her on the mic, “pour my wine for me real quick”.  She emerges, red solo cup in hand with a quick wig straighten for good measure.  The ladies are in full swing, doing shots and smoking the hookah.  50-Cint enters and as a hush falls over the crowd, she knows they were talking about her.  Marlo is already tore up from the floor up, she can’t even conjugate verbs.  They all sit down to eat the vegan delights and Porsha announces that the ladies must take care with the dinnerware because she will be returning it to Home Goods later that evening.  Marlo keeps burping from the depths of her ass and blames it on 50-Cint, but 50 doesn’t seem to mind since it takes the focus off the latest conversation topic – 50-Cint and Papa Smurf are still actually in love.  As they discuss the “no men allowed” Barcelona trip of renewal and rejuvenation, Wigs immediately announces that she is out!  She cannot fly 10 hours without her husband because she had a stroke on a four hour flight, it simply won’t work.  There, done, “DRIVER – BRING MY CAR AND BOX O’ WINE AROUND!”  They must be planning to fly first class because Porsha’s vasovagalvaginosis leg disease has not come up as a Barcelona barrier.  As this drunken debate about why Wigs can’t come continues, Marlo is so schuckered she keeps calling Wigs husband “Kort”.

As this boring, filler, episode winds down, we see Gregg milling around in Nene’s closet while she is packing, spilling wine on his shirt and wiping it off with her best throw pillow.  He can’t wait to her the “click, click” of her Louis Vuitton luggage across the tile floor and out the door – “BYE”, he yells like a 14-year old who has a raging kegger planned while the parents are out of town.

Nene and 50-Cint ride to the airport together and Nene is sporting fashion trends that I just can’t get behind, and certainly not for a 10-hour flight.  Where are your velour tracksuits, ladies?  Has SBS taught you nothing?!?!  Ever the fan of the cold-shoulder, Nene has chosen a tremendously conflicted, strappy, paisley-print poncho. along with a contraption, whereby her earrings are connected to her necklace as if she’s some kind of up-to-the-minute, hip, old-maid waiting to have her earlobes ripped out.

But I digress… as we cut between scenes to the strategically matched pairs of women riding to the airport we learn – SPOILER ALERT – Wigs-n-Cigs is not coming and everyone is PISSED.  SBS admits, quite frankly, that if she had a free man to drive her around while he sits in the parking lot waiting with adult libations, she’d be all over it too!

They didn’t give us too much preview for next week – it appears Nene and Wigs go at it, AGAIN.

Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.


Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.


Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

Stuck in a Moment

Hello RHATL readers – I dunno, I feel as if this was one of those “throw-away” episodes, you know… where the entire production staff decided to take a page out of Ramona Singer’s manual for living your ultimate menopausal life — they have popped a Xanax, calmed all the way down, and phoned it in.  This is one of those eps. where all the meandering, mind-numbing conversation footage is merely prep-work for the last 15 minutes.  However, there is a silver lining in this storm, the last 15 are GOLD!

Ramona xanax

Let’s dive right into the messiness… Sooo, like, everyone who is anyone is organizing some sort of fund-raiser to help out in Houston, TX for the hurricane Harvey victims.  Via unseen footage from the “All Shade, Elephants Stampede Out the Same Dayum Way They Came In, Piss off the Energy Reader Spectacular”, Porsha invited the gang to come support her event, but she was met with long, silent, fake-eyelash blinks.  You know the ones – where the falsies are so heavy, the skanks can’t lift their lids up in a timely fashion.  Shamea of all people calls Porsha and offers to come on down, but Porsha isn’t ready to forgive her for calling out her “vasovagal legs can’t fly coach” disease in front of the Kandi-Koated Klique.

Across town, Cynthia and Kandi meet for dinner, Kenya is a no-show, which violates Addendum XIV, Section 118 (a) of the Friendship Contract!  Cynthia wants to re-hash the “Elephants Stampede, We All Wear White, Never Forget, Tip Your Energy Reader” debacle.  Cynthia feels the reader was way off, but hunni, NEWSFLASH…. your dinner outfit selection is WAY OFF – she looks like she just got roughed-up at a hoedown and she’s lucky to have made it out alive with her Walgreens flip-flops.

Anyhoo – They move on from that hot-topic and Cynthia announces she is planning her own hurricane Harvey relief efforts, but Kandi must decline by way of Riley duty and slipping Cynthia a $20K check.  Kenya calls via face-time and Cynthia must take it out in the parking lot, she comments on how Kenya is also looking a bit rough, as if she recently emerged from some “wifely duties”.  Kenya laughs, wishes her hubby existed, and then declines Cynthia’s request for Houston duty.

On our latest installment of “Love, Before, During, and After Lockup”, SBS is still reeling from her car accident so she’s hangin’ low at the Chateau and the only charitable activity she will be participating in will be accepting this daily call from Prison-BAE.  They exchange their perfunctory remarks and he reminds her to “feed Chunky”, which is not the family guinea pig.  Oh no dear reader, “Chunky” is Prison BAE’s pet name for her ass – he likes big butts and he cannot lie!

Like big butts

She fills him in about the disastrous “Elephants Extravaganza”, but Prison BAE warns, it would behoove Nene to tread her big butt lightly.  He’s got dirt, and we’re talking bona-fide, word on the street, scuttlebutt!  Everybody knows those li’l inmates gossip more than a sewing circle…isn’t that right Counselor Parks?  Ahhhhh – the shade is just too easy with this bunch!  But I digress… Prison BAE has known Nene long before his romance with SBS… apparently, Nene was pursuing him while she was collecting her Trump checks on the “Celebrity Apprentice”.  SBS can’t confirm or deny if Nene and Gregg were separated at that time, but don’t think the back-pain meds have this li’l bone collector slogging on her duties.  She will carefully place this into the “Bone-In Ribeye Remembrance” file.

Later, we see Kandi on Riley duty, which is practice driving in her $100,000 Mercedes jeep-type thingy.  Riley is driving like she owns the road and Kandi is doing typical-mom things, such as fearing for her life.  Sidebar:  Kandi seems to have an inordinate amount of contouring on her nose during her confessional.  Note to makeup artist – BLEND!

As soon as they arrive home, Block calls but cannot converse long.  He is at the hospital with baby-mama #8 awaiting the arrival of his new son.  Kandi puts Riley on the spot to talk with him, but she looks like she’d rather meet Bill Cosby for a drink than get on the phone with her father on camera.  Kandi commends Block for making an effort, but once they are inside the house, we hear Riley break down in tears.  Kandi continues to do some really good mom work here and askes to be de-miced right away.  Heart melting when we hear Baby Ace’s angelic voice call out “RIIILEEEEY!”  He’s no replacement for the adorable and sorely missed Ayden Parks, but viewers have to make sacrifices and Counselor Parks had to be put out to pasture.

So we are on the back-half of this hump of an episode… everyone who is going to Houston has arrived… or have they?  Cynthia, Malorie, Lauren, and Porsha are at day one of their event, decked out in their finest black spandex, passing out Ramen Noodles, and hugs-a-plenty!  Shamea decides to show up out of the blue, but everyone is hospitable and Porsha appreciates that they can put their differences aside for the moment.  Later, at their hotel, Shamea apologizes to Porsha for being insensitive about Porsha’s “condition” that restricts her ankles from flying coach.  They have a pillow fight and hug it out.

Cynthia is busy glamming up for her event and Porsha phones to state they are running late.  Cynthia tells them to take a bird bath, glue their wigs down, and get to the benefit concert so they can raise funds and wayward spirits!  Porsha won’t allow this to be a “mist” opportunity, she donates $5,000 to Cynthia’s event.  As they are all having a wonderful evening, the human hurricane Kenya shows up, to surprise Cynthia because she felt compelled to destroy the good vibes this crew has going for itself.

Kenya is hosting her own event with Habitat for Humanity and Cynthia immediately bails on Porsha, which is in violation of Article IV, Section 1 (a) (iii) of the friendship contract!  Porsha has been demoted to a Real Sidechick of ATL, Cynthia will not be attending her event the next day in lieu of going with Kenya.  Ugh… spineless Cynthia has returned.

Porsha has a successful event the next day, but they run out of food and she has a bit of a breakdown.  Several local restaurants are able to provide more and they ended up serving meals to over 2,000 people.  In a less peaceful demonstration, Kenya is at her Habitat event, cracking the whip and barking out orders like a drill sergeant who hasn’t gotten laid in 28 years.  Shamea plans to attend Kenya’s event in Porsha’s stead, but when she phones Kenya for directions, Ms. Daly gets her “thunderpants” in a bunch and cannot be bothered with such details.  She tells Shamea to find a volunteer, figure it out, less talk, more work, and then she relegates Shamea to trash duty upon arrival.

Cleanup crew

After all the volunteering is done, it’s time for a group dinner from the depths of hell.  The group settles in at a self-serve type barbecue restaurant and since HANGRY Baby Vegans can only eat the side salad, they finish before everyone else and start stirring the shit-pot for dessert!  Lauren kicks it off by expressing their disappointment with Cynthia, bailing on the Real Sidechicks.  Cynthia squashes the “who supported who” war and deflects the focus to the fact that people showed up and they were able to help.  Shamea mentions the ultimate rudeness that is every fiber of Ms. Daly, and you best believe Cynthia put a pin in that one!  Kenya shows up late and can’t order any food because the kitchen is closed, she can’t even have a cocktail because all they serve is beer and wine.  Shamea tries to address Kenya, but she isn’t even acknowledging that another human is speaking to her.  She keeps hollering out for water, again so self-unaware that this is a self-serve restaurant!  Because she is a former Miss USA, an off-camera staff person is bringing her several glasses of water, even with bendy straws!  Shamea calls out for a pitcher so that this THIRSTY BEYOTCH CAN GET HYDRATED AND PAY ATTENTION – PUH-LEAZE!

Pay Attention

Porsha tries to mediate, Cynthia chimes in and tells Kenya she came off as rude.  They are just about out of the woods with this petty argument, Shamea is giving it the “no big deal, I’m fine” treatment, when Cynthia brings it up again – “Shamea you’ve not fine, you’ve been talking about it the whole time we’ve been here!”  UGH, bitch I thought you was spineless!

Girl bye

At this point, Kenya storms out and we hear her talking to the producer in the bathroom – “I don’t give a f*ck about any of these mother*cking HOES!”  Porsha goes after her and Kenya flips off the camera, “THIS IS NOT A MOMENT”.  Oh, but it is, my feisty Pageant Queen!

Kenya angry

Funny side-note:  Shamea needs to use the facilities, and left with no alternative, she sneaks by into the men’s room!  Kenya leaves the restaurant and this time it’s Cynthia who tries to extinguish the rage of Satan’s asshole.  Kenya rolls down the window, tells her “it’s not a moment” and drives away.  Keep on drivin’ as far as I’m concerned, if you can’t do your job – guess what, we’ve got Eva Marcille coming next week!


The burning question of the hour is this – Where is Nene with her Petco choppers and Trump checks in all this messiness?!?!  Why has no one demanded a doctor’s note from SBS or a marriage license from Kenya?  Get with the program ladies – WE NEED RECEIPTS!

We receive a li’l preview treat of what is left to come this season – Eva Marcille of ANTM fame joins the cast next week.  Prison-BAE and Nene go to war.  Wigs-n-Cigs has a couple more face-off, wig-yanks.  Kenya actually introduces Marc, live in the flesh?  There is some dirt on Will that is “5150 cray-cray”, was he previously or currently dating Eva?  And all sorts of other too-fast-for-my-old-psyche footage!  See you next week, and in case I don’t tell you often enough – THANK YOU FOR READING!

Elephants in the Room

Welcome to the Mean Girls lunch table, where we will invite you over, but YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!  I swear, these cast mates don’t even like each other anymore, they merely tolerate one another and put themselves into bizarre situations for sheer sport.  #Paychexbybravo!  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Cant sit with us

We start out this week with Porsha playing actress.  She’s terrible, being killed by Sharknado 5 after 9 seconds of screen time doesn’t a thespian make.  She has apparently landed some part in a local production of “Two Can Play at that Game”, and it takes three assistants to help her run two lines.


SBS, Wigs-N-Cigs, and their breasts meet for a meal.  Seriously, these bitches be bustin’ out of their tube tops like stuffed sausage.  Nene is supposed to show up, SBS is salivating in anticipation.  Every time the three of them get together, it ends in a good ol’ fashioned wig pull.  We are treated to a flashback of season two, when SBS tried a wig yank on Wigs-N-Cigs… IN FRONT OF MICHAEL LOHAN.  Ahh… the good ol’ days, when Wigs-N-Cigs crafted her wigs out of flammable Barbie hair and dated men off of Craig’s List.

Speaking of a wig yank, someone should do SBS a favor and snatch that Atomic Blonde wiglette off her melon.  With all her other stellar looks this season, I just can’t get behind this atomic atrocity.  Anyhoo – SBS gives Wigs-N-Cigs a quick briefing and they get on to the subject of Kandi.  Wigs understands that Porsha made a “harsh allegation” against Kandi, but Wigs [again with the swearing on her six kids’ lives], seems to buy into the Kandi rumors.  Then she mumbles something as she’s gulping down her clams casino, “I wouldn’t let Kandi lick my box.”  GOOD.  LORD.  ALREADY.  WITH.  THIS.  SHIT?  Wigs… sorry hunni, no one wants anywhere near your box.  It’s like the great void, all who enter are never seen or heard from again.

SBS fills Wigs in about Prison BAE, and Wigs offers her immediate support and becomes overcome with emotion and fake tears at the thought of her BFF SBS getting “some good dick”.  Yes, that’s right, in 4-18 years, SBS will be getting the dick she is due, DAMNIT!  After these two clowns come up for air, they realize it’s been two hours and Nene hasn’t shown up.  Wigs ponders that she may be looking for a parking space, but decides to call and Nene informs them she sent a memo by Pony Express.  She will not be attending due to “too many elephants in the room” and they need to schedule a conversation at another time.  Wigs thinks Nene is still butthurt over the “Rent-a Royce” handicapped parking scandal, oh and the fact that Brielle snuck into Nene’s house through an open window during the “All white, trot out your best gay accessory, never forget, shuck your own oyster party” and posted a snapchat showing 16 cock roaches scurrying across Nene’s floor.  Hmm…could be why she doesn’t want to sit with you, bitch!

Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is conducting a back to school book drive to help kids who may not be able to afford supplies – translation, a photo shoot for the Trapper Keeper 2018 reboot.  Nene face times in because she can’t be troubled to make an in-person charity F-List celebrity appearance.  She invites the women to an “All White, Elephants Never Forget, Clear the Room, Low Country Boil Seafood Extravaganza”.  Will stops in and Cynthia turns into Urkel.  He tells her that he’s leaving for a trip to Brazil, and Kenya quickly points out how amazingly beautiful the women of Brazil are, oh and prostitution is legal.  Cynthia starts hyperventilating into a Hello Kitty backpack and Kenya pulls her aside by the straps of her overalls.  Kenya lectures her on the dangers of Mr. Will.  If he is truly an opportunist, he will be back for his dear Cynthia.  Just be sure to use a condom for several months and make sure he takes ALL of his penicillin.

Cynthia - Will

SBS settles in for a quiet night with her dog Max and her laptop, when Kairo surprises her with a visit bearing food.  They are firing up the grill when SBS gets a call from Prison BAE.  SBS takes the call, attempting to hide it from Kairo.  Prison BAE upholds his innocence, claims he has receipts, and he’s hoping to be exonerated from all wrongdoing.  GOOD.  LUCK.  SBS isn’t ready to explain to her children that her BAE is in prison, so she and Kairo opt to ignore the elephant in their kitchen and continue to prepare dinner in silence.

Nene is arranging her big “Elephants in the room, come one come all, circus extravaganza”, and has hired an energy reader named Mbele.  Said energy reader pulls no punches, she is firm, direct, and smells of a hard mix of sage, Ylang-Ylang, and wrath.


As the ladies arrive, Mbele has a few ever-changing rules, smart phones get checked at the door she’s a hugger not a shaker, unless your name is Nene or Cynthia and you give off immoral juju.  Wigs-N-Cigs walks in and says in her loudest, Virginia-Slims, I’ve had about three red Solo cup fulls o’ Tito’s, voice – “It smells like sage up in this mother*cker, ohh it is like rough as shit, honey!”  Nice opening volley!  As if that wasn’t rude enough, Wigs won’t put her phone down, “I got six babies at home, my husband is bringing me pizza”.  Poor Kroy, he’s now relegated to delivering pizza to Wigs while she fulfills her #contractuallyobligateduncomfortablesituationsbybravo.  Hey, Wigs – can you have Kroy slide in an order of hot wings, extra spicy, hold the celery, blue cheese dressing on the side?

Nene begins to address the group and the lights flicker, indicating that Mbele has placed an irreversible hoax on the whole lot of them.  Mbele takes the floor and announces she will be spilling secrets and the women need to keep it together.  She waves her li’l finger at SBS for an inordinate number of seconds and comes up with some innocuous, vague shit like – “be decisive, stand firm.”

Kandi is told she experiences Déjà Vu.  Nene is told she has a heart of gold and what others think of her is irrelevant.  Cynthia is told to protect herself – translation, Will is an opportunist.  Kenya is told that she isn’t going to be around much longer, not meaning death, but a different destiny.  #shitcannedbybravo.

Wigs starts buggin’, she doesn’t like any of this.  Mbele wins line of the night, “dixie cup is gonna help us out here, I guess”.  Kenya busts out laughing and now believes that Mbele is the most amazing energy reader, EVA!  Wigs says she’s been read by the BEST, she’s spiritual, she’s from a higher power, and she has, like… ESPN!

5th sense ESPN

Kenya loses it, tells Wigs to shut the f*ck up or leave.  Nene is feasting on this conflict.  Mbele asks everyone switch seats because “Wigs and Go Naked” are oddly holding hands and she’s catching too much static from the high concentration of wig polymers.  Mbele offers to dip some wild bushes in whiskey and provide Wigs with a much-needed cleansing bath, but Wigs takes a hard pass.  At this point, they have broken the energy reader and she leaves the unstable skanks to deal with this three-ring shit show.  Mbele exits stage left to find the Bravo intern, collect her appearance fee, and the $50 bonus for giving Nene a resplendent read.

Kandi tries to start mediating between Porsha and Nene, but Nene is more preoccupied with making her same goofy faces and resolving nothing.  SBS asks Nene if she has an issue with Prison BAE, and to be clear “you’ve got mugshots too”.  They start goin’ at it, they do not SEE.  EACH.  OTHA.  Nene has “NO.  THING.  I.  NEED.  TO.  TALK.  TO.  YOU.  ABOUT!”  Wigs mumbles something into her Solo cup about Kenya being jealous of SBS and Cynthia dives into the fray to ask why Wigs and Kenya don’t get along.  Wigs gets up to leave, hiking up her Pepto pants like a truck driver, and Nene demands she stay for detention.  Cynthia tries to confront Wigs, but Wigs says “don’t talk, just be a pretty face” and then the low-grade beaver tranquilizers kick in.  Wigs starts singing “Amazing Grace” without her auto-tune machine.

Nene and Wigs sit down to have it out… Wigs takes a moment of reflection and introspection, the last time they sat on a couch together was eight years ago when Nene denied trying to choke her [after the wig-tug in front of her then fling, Michael Lohan – sorry folks, I will find that infinitely hilarious until my dying day].  Sensing Nene is ready to go for a main artery, Wigs adjusts her wiglette, swears on her six kids’ lives – AGAIN, and apologizes “for actin’ like a coconut” at Nene’s party.  But Wigs isn’t smart enough to leave it at that and escape Nene’s fury, she has to add that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Nene admits to being on vodka, but that’s the extent of it.  She officially deems their “friendship” superficial.  Adjust your wigs and part ways, idiot hookers!

Wigs wig adjust

Next week – Cynthia takes a trip to help with hurricane relief efforts, Prison Bae delivers an ominous warning, and Kenya flips off the Bravo camera, well, because Kenya.

The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.


SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!


Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

San Francisco Treat

We pick up right where we left off at the “LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH” party, where everyone has lost their dayum minds.  Kenya and Wigs-n-Cigs are goin’ at it like two cats on a waffle iron.  Wigs is completely unhinged, and I’m talkin’ Apollo darting around with a power drill unhinged.  Unhinged, unhinged.  Kroy rushes in, wearing his same jeans from 2002 – clearly, it’s time for the designated driver to fulfil his duty and save this beyotch from her poor decision making.  Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times.  Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.  Nene has a valid point however, “you can’t be postin’ stuff about your own chile suckin’ dick and then be mad when someone says your chile is suckin’ a dick.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Poor Gregg, all he was hoping for out of this “Shucked Seafood Soirée” was to shuffle around, maybe sneak a plate of clams casino into the man cave, and wash down his nine different heart medications with a Moscow Mule.

Hold back Wigs

Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes.  Suddenly, a knock at the door… it’s SBS, Wigs, and their chaperone King Kroy.  They dragged their dumb assess all the way to this side of town, might as well stop off and collude with Kenya’s arch enemy.  Porsha can’t handle all the messiness and demands her assistant bring her a tumbler of Hennessey.  Wigs actually appears to be legit drunk, she gets the story all twisted and now alleges that Kenya said she was pimpin’ out Brielle to get John Legend tickets for her “injured son.”  Kenya is getting the full vilification treatment here, I hope she had a Groupon!

Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash.  Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday.  I have to admit, Kenya behaved for the most part and tried to keep a lid on it until she just couldn’t control herself any longer.  Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher – Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board.  Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.  Girl ain’t woke.

Kandi has returned to town and she hangs out with Don Juan, worrying about her “bad mom” anxiety.  In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.  SBS doesn’t let the visit slide by without spilling some tea, Kandi is already howling with laughter when she hears that SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs to Nene’s party.  SBS gives the play by play, Don Juan (who has no dog in this fight) doesn’t even believe Kenya would say anything about Wigs’ “injured son”.  Screw the bad mom anxiety, Kandi is ALL IN for this trip.

Kandi - Ace

Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity.  Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man.  I’m glad she is being a smart, independent, young lady!  Cynthia, on the other hand, has her snare in full force and effect, “where there’s a Will there’s a way” and she wants him to go Cynthia’s way.

We learn that Kenya’s grandmother passed away, who was the one who essentially raised her.  Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation.  Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.  Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport!

Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew.  She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse.  Yea, that’s their story and their sticking to it.  Nene is already planting evil seeds about “Cynthia and her wig need to calm down” and Porsha “the door is CLOSED!”  Nene is ready to start some shit, so she needs a non-peach holder in her corner.

As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!  This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene.  Oh yes, SBS is seeing someone, she’s in love, but she is not having any physical contact with said love interest.  WHY, you ask dear reader, WHY?  Oh because PRISON IS WHY!  Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!?  Can’t she arrange for a conjugal visit?!?!  GOOD LORD – I guess the heart wants what it wants, but DAYUM Shereé.  We just moved past Bob, the Chateau is built has baseboards and is semi-furnished, just WHY?  Prison wear by Shereé?  Who knows, maybe Tyrone feels like a safe place for SBS – he behind bars so he can’t lie, cheat, leave dirty dishes in the sink, or stink up the Chateau with his heinous man farts.

They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed.  She sniffs it out and arrives at Marlo’s room, the two take a hit and head off for dinner.  Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny.  The funniest thing here is that SBS hasn’t even changed out of her airplane sweats, but the fact that Kandi is pissed because she had to wait two hours for chicken fingers when all the while, SBS had no intention of even changing her clothes.  Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring.  Um, yeah, so Nene… Porsha… heard you two have some issues, DISCUSS!  Nene and Porsha start going back and forth, which has to be the funniest exchange since the Teresa – Joe Re-Done home exchange (See RHNJ – “Cool as a Whistle”).  These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Nene:  I’m not upset, you’re upset.

Porsha:  So you’re angry.

Nene:  No, you’re angry.

Porsha:  So you were angry.

Nene:  You’re the one that’s in anger management!

Porsha:  You need to be!

Nene:  You need to be!

Nene-Porsha Argue


If Nene’s top-knot is any indicator, she is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche.  Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.  Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted.

The F-Bombs start flying and we end there.  Next week, Cynthia consoles Porsha, Nene calls SBS new boo a con-artist, and more shit talk about Kenya.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight