The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

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San Francisco Treat

We pick up right where we left off at the “LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH” party, where everyone has lost their dayum minds.  Kenya and Wigs-n-Cigs are goin’ at it like two cats on a waffle iron.  Wigs is completely unhinged, and I’m talkin’ Apollo darting around with a power drill unhinged.  Unhinged, unhinged.  Kroy rushes in, wearing his same jeans from 2002 – clearly, it’s time for the designated driver to fulfil his duty and save this beyotch from her poor decision making.  Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times.  Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.  Nene has a valid point however, “you can’t be postin’ stuff about your own chile suckin’ dick and then be mad when someone says your chile is suckin’ a dick.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Poor Gregg, all he was hoping for out of this “Shucked Seafood Soirée” was to shuffle around, maybe sneak a plate of clams casino into the man cave, and wash down his nine different heart medications with a Moscow Mule.

Hold back Wigs

Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes.  Suddenly, a knock at the door… it’s SBS, Wigs, and their chaperone King Kroy.  They dragged their dumb assess all the way to this side of town, might as well stop off and collude with Kenya’s arch enemy.  Porsha can’t handle all the messiness and demands her assistant bring her a tumbler of Hennessey.  Wigs actually appears to be legit drunk, she gets the story all twisted and now alleges that Kenya said she was pimpin’ out Brielle to get John Legend tickets for her “injured son.”  Kenya is getting the full vilification treatment here, I hope she had a Groupon!

Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash.  Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday.  I have to admit, Kenya behaved for the most part and tried to keep a lid on it until she just couldn’t control herself any longer.  Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher – Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board.  Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.  Girl ain’t woke.

Kandi has returned to town and she hangs out with Don Juan, worrying about her “bad mom” anxiety.  In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.  SBS doesn’t let the visit slide by without spilling some tea, Kandi is already howling with laughter when she hears that SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs to Nene’s party.  SBS gives the play by play, Don Juan (who has no dog in this fight) doesn’t even believe Kenya would say anything about Wigs’ “injured son”.  Screw the bad mom anxiety, Kandi is ALL IN for this trip.

Kandi - Ace

Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity.  Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man.  I’m glad she is being a smart, independent, young lady!  Cynthia, on the other hand, has her snare in full force and effect, “where there’s a Will there’s a way” and she wants him to go Cynthia’s way.

We learn that Kenya’s grandmother passed away, who was the one who essentially raised her.  Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation.  Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.  Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport!

Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew.  She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse.  Yea, that’s their story and their sticking to it.  Nene is already planting evil seeds about “Cynthia and her wig need to calm down” and Porsha “the door is CLOSED!”  Nene is ready to start some shit, so she needs a non-peach holder in her corner.

As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!  This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene.  Oh yes, SBS is seeing someone, she’s in love, but she is not having any physical contact with said love interest.  WHY, you ask dear reader, WHY?  Oh because PRISON IS WHY!  Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!?  Can’t she arrange for a conjugal visit?!?!  GOOD LORD – I guess the heart wants what it wants, but DAYUM Shereé.  We just moved past Bob, the Chateau is built has baseboards and is semi-furnished, just WHY?  Prison wear by Shereé?  Who knows, maybe Tyrone feels like a safe place for SBS – he behind bars so he can’t lie, cheat, leave dirty dishes in the sink, or stink up the Chateau with his heinous man farts.

They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed.  She sniffs it out and arrives at Marlo’s room, the two take a hit and head off for dinner.  Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny.  The funniest thing here is that SBS hasn’t even changed out of her airplane sweats, but the fact that Kandi is pissed because she had to wait two hours for chicken fingers when all the while, SBS had no intention of even changing her clothes.  Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring.  Um, yeah, so Nene… Porsha… heard you two have some issues, DISCUSS!  Nene and Porsha start going back and forth, which has to be the funniest exchange since the Teresa – Joe Re-Done home exchange (See RHNJ – “Cool as a Whistle”).  These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Nene:  I’m not upset, you’re upset.

Porsha:  So you’re angry.

Nene:  No, you’re angry.

Porsha:  So you were angry.

Nene:  You’re the one that’s in anger management!

Porsha:  You need to be!

Nene:  You need to be!

Nene-Porsha Argue

ROLL THE TAPES, ROLL ‘EM BACK!  ROLL THE TAPES!  HANGRY!  WHERE’S MY POWER DRILL?!?!

If Nene’s top-knot is any indicator, she is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche.  Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.  Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted.

The F-Bombs start flying and we end there.  Next week, Cynthia consoles Porsha, Nene calls SBS new boo a con-artist, and more shit talk about Kenya.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Chateau She Di’int!

Well folks, it’s finally the finale and the unveiling of the semi-finished Chateau Shereé…let’s get to the good stuff, tout de suite!  SBS has all hands on-deck, her party planning team is working overtime and they have the handsome pay stubs to prove it.  Unlike Johnnie, who is still pursuing his wage lawsuit against Kandi Koated Entertainment, but more on that later…

The housewarming party is five years in the making and if that wasn’t bad enough, SBS decides the party needs to have a masquerade theme.  SBS will be masquerading as someone who has money to actually pay for all of this.  Things are clicking along, until SBS finds out that the incorrect appliances were delivered so she will not have a refrigerator or stove present for the party.  That’s what happens when you purchased refurbished floor models, sometimes things get mixed up!  She has a li’l “who gon’ check me boo” moment, but her construction manager fires up the hot plate and fills the Styrofoam coolers with dry ice, you got this guuurrrrl!

who-gon-check-me-boo

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi takes Riley to her favorite hibachi restaurant, but they are missing out on the best part because they are sitting at one of those sad li’l tables on the side, rather than at an actual hibachi grill.  There will be no onion volcano for you li’l girl, this is a serious dinner, whereby you will pretend to try and form a relationship with your estranged, ne’er-do-well father.  Right on cue, Block walks in and sits down to receive his heaping helping of awkward.  Riley lets him listen to her recorded song and he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s written about him.  Man, say what you will about Block, but dayum he one sharp marble!  OY!

Sharp as marble

He asks Kandi to leave the table and she agrees it’s a good idea to give them some alone, bonding time.  Riley looks like she’d rather be contracting e-coli at Chipotle than conversating with this knob, or conversating with anyone for that matter!  Kandi returns after two minutes and Block announces that he feels Riley has been brainwashed.  This sets off a kerfuffle between Kandi and Block, but Riley points out that he is the adult so he is brainwashed if he thinks he resembled anything of a father.  Sensing that he is fighting a losing battle and that he looks particularly reprehensible on camera, he asks to wipe the slate clean and move forward.

In other reprehensible acts, Counselor Parks takes a second meeting with Johnnie and the employment attorney regarding his alleged lawsuit against Kandi.  Although the firm declines to represent him with regard to the OLG restaurant idea, they are salivating at the opportunity to represent him in the wage claim.  The angle will be violation of federal law regarding minimum wage, to which Counselor Parks offers up her “basic calculation” indicating that Johnnie was paid via loose change from Kandi’s pleather couch cushions, whilst working tirelessly to find feather dancers for Kandi’s “Coming to America” themed wedding.

Meanwhile, Kandi is laying out her Kandi Koated bondage themed outfit for the SBS masquerade housewarming when she receives a call from Don Juan.  He gives her the news about Johnnie’s complaint being filed, but Kandi has no fear.  She will dip in to her Tyler Perry, mogul-status, frivolous lawsuit fund and lawyer up.  Kandi knows Phaedra is behind this and she plans to confront her at the housewarming party.

As Phaedra oils up and slides into her Spanx, her date for the party shows up and is none other than Dwight, he is pinched, cinched, and ready to party.  He graciously lies to her by saying she looks fabulous in her dress, which is pinching her back fat within an inch of its life.

Porsha has some nominal screen time this week, which is a nice reprieve from her goofy-ass shenanigans.  She and Lauren visit their father’s grave, whereby Porsha has an epiphany, she is glad that low-rent Todd didn’t go for the baby-nup.  She needs somebody more kick-ass, like her father, who knew how to stand up and be a man!  However, low-rent Todd and his chunky Ralph Lauren sweater will suffice for now as her date for the Chateau Shereé extravaganza.

Now that we’ve had our tray-passed appetizers, let’s get to the meat.  It’s the night of the big party, SBS is in hair and makeup and she forms a prayer circle to find the strength to pull this off without appliances.  Security on deck to keep the nosey beyotches out of the unfinished, dusty areas – CHECK.  Holiday light projector found in storage, perfect for radiating “Chateau Shereé” onto the side of the house and inside walls – CHECK.  Cirque de Soleil reject twirling on a contraption over the Rent-A-Center coffee table – CHECK!

Chateau SBS Light

As the ladies arrive, they start kibitzing about the latest happenings at the OLG restaurant opening, but nobody was there for the baby-back ribs girlfriend, it was all about Apollo’s girlfriend and her search for her 15 minutes of fame.  Phaedra and Porsha conveniently take a hike so the rest of the group can talk shit.  Porsha fills Phaedra in on the OLG opening happenings, of course Phaedra thinks Kandi and Todd plotted to invite Apollo’s latest prison pen-pal.

The drama is cut short by the grand entrance of SBS in her hideous black and gold gown, looking like an insane matador from one of the square states.  She has actually hired gown-fluffers, as if she’s a bride or getting ready to break out into a Paso Doble on Dancing with the Atlanta Stars.

SBS grand entrance

The party starts to take on the appearance of a D-list celebrity death match.  It’s a parade of housewives past, Lisa Wu from the first two seasons shows up, but the real fun begins when Wigs-n-Cigs rolls in.  Oh, dear reader, her red Solo cup is full o’ boxed wine and she is ready to rumble.

Kenya saw the bat signal and made her way over the bog.  She can’t afford the $3.00 tour, so like a housewife removing groceries from her order at the cashier, she finds a way to make it work!  She recruits Kandi to dart past secuuuurrrrity and poke around in search of unfinished drywall and dusty baseboards.  They end up in the basement, which is shockingly…UNFINISHED!  Kenya feels she has hit the shade jackpot, but she is grasping at straws.  The real dirt is in the appliance-less kitchen!  Apparently, secuuuurrrrity consists of some beyotch with a top-knot who is totally asleep at the wheel.  She yells at Kenya and Kandi to get the hell out of the basement.  SBS is giving Wigs-n-Cigs a tour as said secuuuurrrrity runs in to inform her of the basement breach.  Kenya and Kandi trail in as she’s yelling “these beyotches be in yo’ basement!”  Wigs-n-Cigs ain’t havin’ it and now that she is SBS’ ride or die, she lays into Kenya.  Kenya mentions she will not be takin’ any shit from “octomom”, and the two start to exchange words.  SBS tries to forge ahead with the $3.00 tour and Kenya keeps pointing out all the ways that Chateau Shereé has copied or is inferior to Moore Manor.  Meanwhile, in the bedroom Wigs and Kandi are sorta making peace and Kenya is interfering with all the zen.  Wigs finally asks Kenya point-blank, “why are you just being an asshole?”

Wigs Cigs

She lays into her about her vagina falling out of her dress, not having a baby, or a real man at home.  Kenya fires back, six kids by three different men, a husband who has no job, and duck lips.  Dauym…while all of this is going on Frick and Frack are frolicking in the bathroom like two toddlers who have gotten into their mom’s makeup case.

Wigs and Kenya supply the pyrotechnics as they continue taking shots at each other.  SBS decides to put the kibosh on the fight, she whips off the skirt portion of her gown, as if she were a matador ready for a bull fight.  Under the gown is a catsuit, supplying ample camel toe for all to enjoy.  The camel toe has a calming effect and has squashed the drama, for now.

At the end of the night, Kandi and Phaedra sit down to finally confront their issues.  Kandi tells her she didn’t invite Apollo’s girlfriend to the OLG opening, she had nothing to do with it, and she even offers the Counselor an apology.  Which frankly, she didn’t have to do.  Kandi is doing that thing where she flies above the drama, at least until the reunion, where it appears her flight is shot down by Kamikaze cast mates.  Kandi asks Phaedra about her involvement with Johnnie’s lawsuit, but Phaedra claims she can’t speak about it and only offers that she didn’t initiate the action.  Sure, it wasn’t my idea, but when Johnnie brought it to me, I was on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, and rounds out the night, “you hate while I be great!”

In conclusion:

  • Phaedra – has her own legal woes, a judge sided with Apollo and threw out their divorce settlement, even though he’s technically still “engaged”.
  • Kandi – rakes in the coins, has more Grammy’s than anyone on this show, she co-wrote a song for Ed Sheeran.
  • Cynthia – celebrated her 50th birthday with a photo of her in a birthday suit. She and Papa Smurf are both back on Tinder, but they are not swiping right on each other.
  • Porsha – still living alone in her rented McMansion, she launched a new gimmick, a cleanse called “The Dump”, how apropos! Nothing new with her and Todd, or his chunky sweater.
  • Kenya – producing a PSA on domestic violence and the dangers of hiring D-rate actors to pose as boyfriends. She invited SBS over to Moore Manor to show her some tips on finishing a basement.
  • SBS – lives at the Chateau, despite rumors that it’s uninhabited. She is also collecting dirt for the sequel to her novel.

Next week – it’s part one of 83 of the reunion.