Whole Lotta Love

We are down to the top nine and everyone is dressed in black and white in anticipation of performing songs from their own personal icons.  I am not going to spend much time on the meeting with Tommy Hilfiger in the Authentic Icon boutique.  All they did was stare at him like deer in headlights because he drones on like a math teacher.

Now let’s get to the meat…The legendary Stevie Nicks is our icon this week and OHRS treats us to some vintage footage of Stevie and Jimmy Iovine jammin’ out in the studio.  We love Stevie and we can’t wait to see her work her mentoring magic, even she endorses “Coke”.

Colton Dixon is up first and he is thrilled that Stevie is a fan of him and his hair.  He is going to sing “Everything” by Lifehouse and Jimmy and Stevie call him the third dark horse.  He looks like he is in pain when he sings, judges love it, Steven calls him a “dream come true for a judge on Idol”, he has star quality and he is over the top.  JHO was moved and the DAWG loved his “fly” white coat.  DAWG thinks he is believable and feels his passion, and calls him a “contender for the title”.

Skylar is ready to sing “Gunpowder and Lead” by Miranda Lambert.  Stevie is into it and starts singing along, Jimmy notes that Skylar may be in jeopardy if she doesn’t hit it just right.  Her wardrobe choice is a bit confusing because she is wearing a tablecloth like shirt and a cropped studded leather jacket.  Crowd goes wild for her and JHO loves her energy, Steven calls her “over the top”, which must be his phrase of the evening.  DAWG reminded her to tell the story and likes her range and says he hasn’t seen that since Carrie, which is a compliment coming from the DAWG.  The wardrobe department needs to be put on a “time out”.  Poor choice for Skylar, we will get to Elise and her sparkly bell bottoms later.

Colton, Elise, and Dave Matthews treat us to a Fleetwood Mac medley and Steven calls it “most excellent”.  He says he had dinner with Mick Fleetwood for his birthday last week.  C’mon Steven, you don’t have to name drop, you are too cool for school!

Hey Jun decided to rethink his approach in light of the criticism he received for being the class clown last week.  Jimmy said we got a “He New Jun” this week.  He is going to sing “A Song For You” by Don Hathaway.  He gets a standing O from the judges and Steven said he turned it around, JHO said it was beautiful and moving, and DAWG said JHO hit it on the head and calls him “buttery and beautiful.”  He isn’t a coffee cake, DAWG!

Hollie is up next to sing “Jesus Take the Wheel” by Carrie Underwood.  Stevie urges her to connect emotionally and gives her an example of her mother dying.  Stevie became very emotional and whispered words of wisdom to little Hollie.  She does an outstanding job and the judges are chit chatting, but DAWG seems a bit hesitant.  He didn’t think it was perfect, pitchy in the lower parts.  The audience boos and he explains what “constructive criticism” is, air quotes and all.  JHO disagrees and thought it was one of her best.  Steven decides to go somewhere in the middle and wished she had sung a different song.

Milli Vanilli takes the stage next and Stevie and Jimmy laugh because Stevie used to have the same hair do.  He selects the song “Sometimes I Cry” by Eric Benet.  Sidebar:  Eric Benet is probably better known as the ex Mr. Halle Berry.  The perf is a little boring and lackluster for me, not my cup of tea.  However, the judges suck it up and give a standing O.  Steven jumps in first and felt the passion and said he “gave Prince a run for his money”.  JHO thinks he is unique and has a voice you don’t hear every day, she urges America to pick up the phone and vote so that she can hear his voice a few more weeks.  Which is funny, because it implies he will not win.  DAWG says it was “ol’ school throwback R & B” and DeAndre is “back in da’ house!”

Jessica Sanchez is going to take on Beyoncé with “Sweet Dreams”.  Stevie likes that she made it into a ballad and notes that Jessica is a good student.  Jessica is wearing a dress with a mullet, which I am not a fan of, but our little resident powerhouse pulls of the song and she has props!  As she strolls through the five red prop doors, the judges swoon.  JHO loved the rendition and wanted more, Steven thought the dress was beautiful and called the song “delicious”, DAWG feels stars are truly born and compliments her on her maturity and innate talent.  Jessica reveals after the commercial break that she also has an alter ego like Beyoncé and it’s “BB Chez”, who we were introduced to this evening.  MMMMMKAY…

DeAndre, Mantasia, and Hey Jun treat us to a Michael Jackson medley.  JHO thought it was great, but a good think they were not here for “So You Think You Can Dance”.

Dave Matthews is up to sing “Still Rainin” by Johnny Lang.  Steve thinks he has “magic” and she says he would have been asked to join Fleetwood Mac if he was around back then.  Stevie thinks he’s gorgeous and Jimmy says he looks like Lindsey from 1974.  Jimmy gets a bit testy, but Stevie strokes his ego by saying “you were gorgeous, and still are, you had the little Greek body of life, you were darling and still are.”  Jimmy feels better, but I just threw up in my mouth.  Phillip gets the third standing O from the judges, but Steven is a little slow on the take.  JHO says she feels the music, she feels how present he is in the moment.  Steven feels the same way, “but there’s still someone in there tryin’ to climb out.”  DAWG is so happy, he loves Johnny Lang, he’s a friend, he loves the individuality, and gives him “big props”.

Mantasia is going to sing “Without You” by Mariah.  Jimmy says it’s one of the top five hardest songs to sing.  Mantasia makes his way out of the creepy wilderness props and delivers.  He is very emotional at the end of the song and another standing O.  DAWG is name dropping again saying that he just talked to Maria and if she was listening, she would be proud.  He called Mantasia “flawless” and said that he delivered the emotion.  Steven says he pushed beyond his limits and JHO calls him a “phenom” and he is something special.

Hollie, Skylar, and Jessica sing a rather karaoke Madonna medley.  IT’s become painfully evident that the wardrobe department is trying to camouflage Skylar’s junk in da’ trunk, but it appears the outfit choices call more attention to it.  DAWG called it fun and liked Skylar’s “twang”.

Elise is rounding out the night with “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zepplin.  Jimmy said Elise murdered it.  They loved Elise so much, Stevie sang “Dreams” with her and said she would hire Elise in a second.  She delivers a unique performance, which gets the crowd rockin’ and slowly urges the judges out of their seats.  JHO starts screaming “I didn’t wanna get up!”  Is that a backhanded compliment or is she just lazy?  Steven said she pulled it off and JHO called her a “rock star”.  DAWG said something is in the air and everybody is in it to win it.  OHRS points out that Elise and Steven are wearing the same pants.  How cute.  Elise deserves mad props for this because it was a really difficult song to pull off, but she did it perfectly.  Performance of the night, point blank to the period.

Five standing O’s later…who will go home?  OHRS has Aerosmith breaking news, which isn’t really breaking…they are going on the “Global Warming Tour” and Steven wonders if he can say “Ass” on TV.  This results show has really become a giant info-mercial.  OHRS shows off the tweets from the contestant’s icons, which of course are all hearts and flowers.  Milli Vanilli didn’t get a tweet, but since Eric Benet was not busy, he delivered the props in person.

Elise, Dave Matthews, and Hollie are first up to face their fate.  Jimmy gives Elise props and says it was “one of the most transporting things” that can happen.  He thinks she may also do well in the 80’s theme next week.  Phillip impressed Stevie and Jimmy agrees that she is rarely wrong and we are witnessing a big star being born.  Little Hollie did a beautiful job, but Jimmy thinks she lacks experience.  OHRS calls out to “Karen” to dim the lights and he sends Hollie to the stools of death.  Elise and Phillip are safe.

After that nonsense, OHRS calls Colton, Mantasia, and Hey Jun to center stage.  The ever diabolical Jimmy didn’t think Colton was good enough, he thought Mantasia delivered 85% of the song.  The emotion cut off his voice, but he enjoyed Mantasia during the MJ medley.  Hey Jun still doesn’t impress Jimmy.  OHRS cuts up, it should be “harsh tag Jimmy, not hash tag Jimmy”.  With that OHRS sends Hey Jun to the stools of death and Colton and Mantasia are in the clear.  Mantasia also makes his way over to hug Elise who hangs in the balance.  That kid is a class act.

Skylar, Milli Vanilli, and Jessica are summoned for the moment of truth.  Jimmy enjoyed Skylar, but she needs to go for more melodic songs, but he felt she rose to the top during the Madonna medley.  Milli didn’t drive Jimmy wild and he feels there is still something missing.  Jimmy finds Jessica talented beyond her years and he wants to see more girl power.  OHRS sends Skylar to the stools of death and Jessica and DeAndre are safe.

Skylar and Hollie are spared and Hey Jun makes a reprise of last night’s song during his “sing for life”.  Dave Matthews looks on, tearily, wondering who will entertain him in the big, lonely mansion.

The judges huddle together and pretend to “discuss” scarves and halter tops whether or not they will use their one precious save.

We all know it won’t happen, as JHO’s eyeliner runs, OHRS prompts them for an answer.  Steven says “for the record you knew this was coming” as if to soften the blow.  See ya’ funny man!

Parting is Such Sweetie Sorrow

Phaedra is busy planning a dedication ceremony for Ayden and I am sure it will be every bit as fabulous as his birthday party.  Phaedra clearly has money to burn, as this one year old boy will recall none of this.  Phaedra has also made it abundantly clear that she loves “pomp and circumstance” and bright blue fascinators!

 

Meanwhile, Damon makes tactical error #1 in is long, hard road down the engagement process.  He takes She by Shereé to look at rings and the sales woman first offers them champagne, because he will need to swill it before he can swallow the prices she starts throwing at him.  She starts right out of the gate showing him $40,000 rings and he’s about to stroke out and he reminds She by Shereé that they have about $40K in student loans alone.  He also tells She by Shereé that she can help out if she thinks Tiara needs a bigger ring.  She by Shereé is just baffled that he doesn’t have enough money saved up since he has been dating Tiara for 8 years.  Clearly, She by Shereé has no concept of how young men think.  He settles on a $6,500 ring, much to She By Dismay.

Nene is bustling around in her kitchen and serving chips and guacamole to her son Brent.  She tries to have a heart to heart talk with him about how he feels about the divorce.  He’s giving her typical teenage answers by saying “sure” to everything she asks, but he does note that Nene is happier and says “no” less often and Greg is not such a grouch anymore.  Brent is at least more responsive than Bryson, probably because he hasn’t started smoking marijuana yet.  Give the young boy time…

Meanwhile, back at the Barbie dream house, Kim and the girls are all atwitter at the impending return of Kroy.  Kim and her private chef are preparing some food and Kim reveals that she put her wig in the microwave to deep condition it and it caught on fire.  I don’t even want to think about what that smelled like.  Kim twiddles her wig hair while resting on the couch while her chef prepares lasagna.

Phaedra arrives at a studio for a photo shoot because she wants a touch of “royalty” for Ayden’s ceremony.  She tries on various ornate head-dresses and the stylist thinks she must have been a drag queen in a former life, quite possible.  She decides on a red leopard print dress and the boys are in their suits and red ties.  Makes sense, it doubles as a holiday card!

Damon takes She by Shereé to a venue where he plans to propose.  She by Shereé wants Tiarra to be surprised and not like “It’s about damn time” like she was with Bob.  He discusses the bar with the restaurant staff and he says as long as there’s Hennessey and Coca Cola, he’s happy.  Now that’s a class act.  She by Shereé is flabbergasted that he is so concerned about the alcohol.  Damon plans to be inebriated for the proposal and tells She by Shereé he needs to be “loose”.  They get into a bit of an argument about it and she questions if he is sure.  She launches into a lecture and tells him if he isn’t ready, he shouldn’t do it.  I think She by Shereé is driving him to second thoughts and at this point, he is ready to pull a Kitty Dukakis and shoot back some Vitalis.

Kroy comes home and the girls scream with delight and he presents Ariana with a hat signed by Tony Gonzalez and she breaks down in tears.  It’s actually quite sweet.  Kim shows Kroy around the house and all the changes she made, including the half-naked pictures of she and Kroy everywhere.  Kim drops the bomb that she fired Sweetie and they spend about 1/18th of a second being sad.  Kim rattles off her list of justifiable cause, Sweetie burned the baby’s breast milk, she lollygagged around the pool with Brielle while Kim was toiling away at the computer reading the latest gossip columns trying to get some work done, she started cursing furiously at the girls… ‘nuff said.  Time to enjoy their welcome home meal.

It’s the day of Ayden’s dedication ceremony and Dwight is back, front and center at the party planning hub.  He has every last detail in place, right town to the edible chocolate statue of the baby Jesus.  Cynthia and Peter arrive and note the coincidence that Phaedra and Apollo’s church is where Pastor Pollard works and he is also the pastor that married them.  They plan to get in a quick counseling session, why not kill two birds with one stone.  Cynthia trashes on the smalls for being late to the ceremony, which they actually don’t show up at all.  The procession begins and the carriers bring Ayden down the aisle in a rickshaw of sorts.  Peter likens it to “Coming to America”.

Meanwhile, Damon drops by She by Shereé’s to discuss the engagement.  He decides that he is not going to propose at this time.  She by Shereé gives her best “supportive” face and admits she is a bit relieved because he can’t afford a big enough ring he’s scared shitless and not ready.

Kim and Kroy do show up at the dedication reception for Ayden.  Phaedra gives them a bit of shit for being late, but is going to let it slide since Kroy just got home from training camp.  She directs Kim to her seats by Cynthia and Peter, but Kim would rather inhale the contents of KJ’s first dump than sit by the likes of those two.  Kim senses that Cynthia and Peter are uncomfortable, and leave it to Cynthia to bring up the Africa trip and intensify the awkwardness.  Cynthia and Peter say their goodbyes, but pause in the parking lot so they can wait for Kim to exit and carry on with their staged parking lot stand-off Cynthia can hiss at Peter for being anti-social.  Kim calls out to Cynthia to confront her about the black baby gate.  They start arguing and Cynthia can’t really remember exactly what she said, but we can go to the tape, so I don’t know why they are arguing.  Cynthia decides arguing is futile and takes the high road and just apologizes to Kim for what was said.  Kim accepts and they part ways.  Cynthia walks away muttering that “it’s hopeless” and Kim needs “a f*cking cigarette.”  Hopefully, we will not have to hear another word about this infamous “black baby”, which was NEVER said.  Cynthia actually said she “couldn’t picture Kim holding an African baby at an orphanage.”  Either way, they aren’t seeing eye to wig.

Nene had a meager showing this week, there was no Kandi Koated action, and we were spared the likes of Marlo all together.  Next week, it looks like we will get a proposal of sorts, Kim and Kroy.

Those Who Can, Do, Should, and Did

Our top 10 will perform songs from Billy Joel and the Judges all coordinated their outfits in black and white and OHRS finally rocks a tie, a vest, and a pocket square.  He’s just so spiffy, you want to put him in your pocket and take him home.  OHRS asks Steven for his expertise about what the contestants need to know about singing Billy Joel songs, which catches Steven completely off guard.  He was totally day dreaming while he applied a collection of fall-looking flowers on his microphone and arranged his “supplies” on the judges’ desk.  His opinion is this:  if the contestants can’t sing the Billy Joel songs, then they can’t sing.

We start with Tommy Hilfiger giving Milli Vanilli a consultation and then he is off to meet with Jimmy Iovine and none other than special guest, Sean “Diddy” Combs.  Diddy tells him to channel the times that existed when “Only the Good Die Young” was big.  They hope he has fun with the song or he will be D.O.A.  DeAndre gives it his best hop and skip moves, but it’s a bit too bee-boppy for my taste and a bit weak.  I am sure JHO and Steven will say it’s “beautiful”.  He flips his hair around like a Breck girl and jumps around and the audience seems to like it.  JHO tiptoes around with some constructive criticism while DAWG gets right to the point and appreciates the jump and the skip, but it didn’t wow him.  Me neither DAWG, me neither.

EVP is in a “New York State of Mind” this evening.  Diddy advises her to hold back a bit and not over sing it.  Tommy advises her to wear her hair short and so she gets it completely chopped and colored.  The new and improved EVP sports a short black “Sharon Osborne” cut and she belts out the NYC anthem with her soulful voice, however, I felt the perf overall was a bit “old” and mellow for her.  If she was going to be that low-key, she needed to really rip it out at the end.  Wah wah…DAWG did love it, but felt she should have done a run at the end and “wear us out”, JHO agrees and wanted to see her move around and feel the song, Steven thought she was outstanding.  OHRS comments that not since the “Sanjaya-Hawk” have we seen such a transformation and the Twitter feed is all positive.  DAWG seems outraged that OHRS has time to read twitter back stage and our nimble little host states that he was multi-tasking and also eating dinner.

Mantasia consults with Tommy and he suggests a tuxedo.  WTF?  He prepares to sing “She’s Got a Way”, which he has never heard before.  Wow…just wow.  These youngsters are so deprived.  Diddy gives Mantasia a “gut check” and tells him to get his mind on the song and the song on his mind!  WORD!  I have to say I am a bit disappointed in his perf, I always look forward to him and it was a bit lame.  JHO did not want to be negative, but she wasn’t feelin’ it.  Steven comes out from under his rock and says he doesn’t know the song either.  WHAT???  He enjoyed and said Josh “sang the sweat out of that song”.  DAWG felt that the understated Josh felt defeated before he began, DAWG agreed with both judges and called it a “half-half thing”.

Skylar became a bit Diddy-struck when she went into rehearsals.  She selected “Shameless” and she gets a double diva wave from Diddy and Jimmy because it felt forced.  She asks Diddy for an autograph and Jimmy turns away in disgust either over the fact that she was so star-struck or he was pouting because nobody gives a shit about who he is.  Tommy wastes no time going after her look, but lets her keep her “boot idea”.

Sidebar:  I am not really sure why we need Tommy Hilfiger’s commentary here.  This isn’t Project Runway, and he is certainly NO Tim Gunn.

If Tommy’s goal was to make Skylar’s ass look like the Goodyear blimp, well then congrats.  The dress could not be more unflattering.  Her perf is a little flat for my taste and the judges look flat out pissed.  DAWG found it pitchy, but she got better in the middle, not her best.  JHO loved her “attack” and Steven thought she sang it with conviction.  Translation = you bombed.

Elise is singing “Vienna” and Jimmy is worried that no one will know the song.  Diddy, however, wants her to go with it and make it special.  Tommy felt Elise was too “layered up” and he salivates over the thought of putting her in a pair of high-waisted bell bottoms.  Elise forgoes the bell bottoms and opts for a flowy maxi-dress.  The performance wasn’t terrible, but I could have done without the accordion player and she may have been better off with a more familiar song.  Judges love love love and they are on their feet.  Steven thought it was brilliant, JHO wants to shake her, hold her, and squeeze her.  DAWG called her “unbelievably talented” and she had the moment of the night.

Dave Matthews is having a meeting of the minds with OHRS about the business picking up at his home-town pawn shop since his fame on the show.  Tommy blatantly tells Phillip that he “needs some help” not to be rude of course.  He plans to sing “Movin’ Out”, but Diddy wants him to do away with the guitar and step out of his comfort zone.  Diddy is into it and gets Phillip groovin’ and signing to the ladies, but that doesn’t seem to be Phillip’s cup of tea.  Tommy noted that grey was the worst color to wear on stage and of course Phillip is in various shades of grey from head to toe and he has the guitar.  He’s clearly going to do his own thing.  Judges are elated and grinning ear to ear, JHO can barely get her words out the crowd is cheering so loud.  She agrees he is being who he is by snubbing the notes from the mentors.  Steven said he took the song and “Phillip Phillip’s-ed it”.  He commends him on the grey and tosses Phil his scarf and tells him to keep being him.  DAWG reiterates his credo of the night “those that can do, should”, and Phillip did it!  The girls in the front row are clamoring and screaming for the scarf, so Phillip throws it out to them.  Phillip seems overall indifferent to the whole image thing and he just wants to be himself.  Good luck in the music industry, my friend.

Little Hollie is up next and she receives a special video message from her brother Luke and his diva DAWG, Shankley.  Tommy hopes to glam her up and make her feel like a star.  Hollie has chosen “Honesty” and Jimmy and Diddy gave her some notes to help her connect to the meaning of the song.  Looks like Hollie found the high-waisted bell bottoms and part of a white tuxedo.  The pants make her look like she is on stilts and she actually looks like she should be welcoming us aboard the Love Boat and what is up with the dandelion?

The image is not very congruent with the song and the emotion she is trying to convey, but overall I enjoyed her vocal performance.  Again, judges look pissed.  Steven said she was pitchy and was over thinking the song, JHO didn’t feel she knew the song well enough, DAWG echoes.

Hey Jun is up next with “My Life” and he asks Jimmy and Diddy how he can handle criticism better.  They suggest he use it as fuel to push him to do better.  Diddy is trying to figure Hey Jun out “is he an actor, or a con man, I don’t know if he’s even Asian, he may be black!”  Thank you Diddy, line of the night.  Tommy thinks Hey Jun was testing him and he gives Hey Jun his best “get the f*ck away from me” look.  Hey Jun decided on the tuxedo and pretends like he lost his way at the beginning of the song and he pulls off the breakaway tux and starts singing his song and running around the stage in his typical Hey Jun comedian antics.  He is really not a singer at all, the kid needs to get a job on a variety show where he can sing, dance, and cut up.  Steven could not look more annoyed if he tried and doesn’t even clap for the class clown.  JHO thought he brought the fun, Steven addresses him as “He Man” and asks him if he’s happy that he “took the piss out of that song”.  He echoes the sentiments of the mentors and tells him that the music business will “kick your ass” and he needs to take it more seriously.  DAWG found it somewhat entertaining and was glad that he had a good time.

Jessica Sanchez is thrilled to meet Tommy and discuss her outfit choice, which he approves of no questions asked.  She is singing “Everybody Has a Dream” and Diddy feels he has a responsibility to be honest with her and he did not believe her and she was over singing it.  Hold back on the tricks, less is more.  She delivers a very good performance in standard Jessica style and gets a standing O from the judges.  Steven has nothing to say except “thank you for lettin’ me hear you sing, baby”.  JHO felt it was a “defining moment” for her and DAWG commends her for having a moment every time she is on stage.

Colton is our final performance of the night and Tommy adored him and couldn’t wait to feast his eyes on his hair.  Tommy is concerned that the hair takes away and Colton said “I hate that he immediately discredited it.”  Colton will sing “Piano Man” and Diddy said he wanted to buy the record by the time they were done with rehearsal.  As much as I have not been a Colton fan, I must admit that this was the performance of the night.  He really did a great job with it.  He doesn’t get a standing O, but JHO got goosies and she says “Diddy, [pause] I was going to say Puffy…gave you the biggest compliment when he said he would by that record.”  She almost let the show go by without reminding us that they used to be a couple.  Steven said it was stunning and outrageous and DAWG loves that he is an individual.  He found it sensitive and touching.

Results are in and judges enter the stage.  JHO is wearing a dress so bright, I think I sustained retina damage.  She later refers to it as “Super Pink”, but it’s more like “Pepto Pink”.  OHRS descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps and he has not changed a bit, proving once more that he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber.  He reminds us that the judges “save” is still in play, but I doubt they will use it this early.  They are saving it in case America gets it wrong and Jessica Sanchez is in danger.  The group number treats us to “The Longest Time” and Elise became the envy of every woman in America by sitting on Steven’s lap while she sang her solo line, which she sealed with a kiss on his cheek.  The contestants are snapping their little fingers frenetically throughout the number, they must be exhausted.

Hollie, Skylar, and Elise face their fate first and Jimmy felt that Hollie was a “Diva in headlights”, Skylar is starting to stall and she’s got to grow fast, and Elise gave Jimmy goosies.  All three are safe and will move into the party mansion.

OHRS takes a moment to acknowledge Steven’s upcoming birthday and as he turns Steven around in his chair to face the stage, the top 10 are there to sing happy birthday along with Steven’s long time partner in grime, guitarist Joe Perry.  Steven looks genuinely excited and touched to see Joe and then genuinely overcome with emotion as JHO hugs him.  I am not terribly surprised at the emotion here, there has been a lot of turmoil between the two long-time band mates and much scuttlebutt over possibly kicking Steven out of the band (pre-Idol) and Steven’s subsequent decision to take the Idol gig without consulting them.  At any rate, there is much love in the room and Steven tears up a bit and the guyliner starts to run, so they get it in check and OHRS moves on with the show.

Milli, Mantasia, and Jessica are up next.  Milli Vanilli was frolicking around too much for Jimmy’s taste, Mantasia let Jimmy down and he went into a Darth Vader thing during the bridge, but our sweet Jessica gets “A’s across the board.”  Jessica is safe and even received an endorsement from Billy Joel himself.  Yes, but did she get an e-mail?  Josh is also safe and DeAndre takes the first stool of death.

Former contestant Haley Reinhart is on stage in a cage to sing her new single “Free”.  I got news, nobody wins from this misery.

In all seriousness, it was actually a great performance and she sounded good.  Hair and makeup just need to tone down the hair and set the makeup gun to “Whore in Training” instead of “Full-Blown Pro at Hollywood and Vine”.

OHRS calls up the last row of peeps, Colton, Phillip, EVP, and Hey Jun.  Colton won Jimmy over and Colton got the e-mail from Billy, Dave Matthews ruffled Jimmy’s feathers a bit by ignoring the advice, EVP was bold and brave and Jimmy thinks she deserves to be the “top of the batch”.  Jimmy agreed that Hey Jun made Steven angry and that Hey Jun disrespected the entire process, it was like four minutes of a bad Adam Sandler movie that goes straight to DVD.  Wow, harsh words from the tin man.  OHRS asks Hey Jun to respond and he explained he was just trying to be who he is.  EVP and Hey Jun are sent to the stools of death.  Colton and Phillip are safe.

JHO reacts to the bottom three and reinforces that they are all wonderful and losing any of them is sad.  DeAndre and Hey Jun are safe.  EVP gets one last chance to blow her guts up, and blow she does.  She gives it her all, but it’s not enough to move the judges to make a save.  One could say Erika pulled a Billy Joel…crash-n-burn.

Let Them Eat Cake

We return to crazy town with Cynthia and Peter rehashing the anniversary party.  Cynthia speculates on what Mal’s problem is, she deduces it to drunk, lost her mind, mid-life crisis, or stuck in the past.  How about all of the above?  These are all valid questions, even if they’re the same ones we asked of Cynthia last season when she married the ultimate broke-ass crab cake, Peter.  He is no saint in this matter either, he instigated things by excluding Mal from the toast he gave at the party.

Kandi arrives at Kim’s house so they can talk it out one on one, like they should have in the first place.  Kim realizes that Kandi wouldn’t say anything about a “black baby”, but they do need to work on their friendship because it has been rocky since the “Tardy For the Party” debacle.  Kandi just wants to get it back on track, have some chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese, and beat Kim at rousing game of Connect Four.

Nene takes her boobs and tambourine earrings to visit her attorney and his associate named “Thad”.  Her lawyer has the agreement ready for signature so that the divorce can be finalized.  She is ready to have someone scoop her “ghetto ass up”.  However, she is also very scared to go it alone because she had Greg in her life so long.  She decided she wants to think about it a bit longer and we watch as a bit of Thad dies inside.  What is a money grubbing label whore to do?

Apollo is speaking at the Mason Lodge and the theme is “Passport to Manhood”.  Phaedra tries to encourage him over the phone by telling him to look at everyone in the audience and pretend they are “nekkid”.  He is reading his speech from piece of paper as he is driving, my best advice, don’t drive and read.  He gets through his moment and Phaedra is proud and thinks “he looked fine doin’ it.”  He is fine, and we have pictures to prove it later in this column.

She by Shereé visits her daughter, Tierra, and she drops the bomb on She by Shereé that she is probably getting engaged soon.  She by Shereé suggests she have her own money set aside, but then launches into her own spirit crushing diatribe about how horrible marriage is and how all her dreams will go down the drain.  Which gave her the perfect segue into carping about her ongoing child support issues.

Cynthia is working at her agency and Mal drops in to tell her she is leaving for France.  She apologizes to Cynthia, but Cynthia ain’t havin’ it.  She tells Mal she loves her anyway, she just doesn’t like her right now.  Fair ‘nuff.

Phaedra is having a birthday party for Ayden at a water park and she charted a bus to transport the guests, hired four party planners, and topped the baby off with a Burbury hat.  The ever disgusting Dwight is there and starts fawning over Phaedra and the baby.  She by Shereé is more disgusted by the fact that they had to go two hours away for a one year olds party.  Dwight walks in and She by Shereé is wondering where he has been, Phaedra must have brought him back from the dead and apparently done his makeup too.  He has a full face of pancake makeup on, sheesh, I don’t even want to think about what his ring around the collar looked like.  Phaedra has 12 baby cakes, one for each month of Ayden’s life.  She has each one presented to him and they are all very extravagant.  I guess Baby Ayden does get to have his cake and eat it too.  Maybe he can share with Nene.  And now as promised…Apollo hot cakes:

Sidebar:  In the small “intermediary” blip that Bravo gives us on every show right about the 43 minute mark, Marlo and Lawrence are having a chat and she finally owns up to using the “f” word.  He gives her permission to use the word “queen”, but then she has to split because Nieman’s is holding the doors open late for her.  Yea right.  I think this really deserved more than the intermediary moment because if you are fast forwarding, you would miss this part.  Although, maybe Bravo wants us to miss it so we continue hating on Marlo.  She really takes the cake!

She by Shereé and Damon (Tiara’s boyfriend) sit down to discuss the impending engagement.  Damon reveals that he talked to Bob “Teflon” Whitfield about it and She by Shereé is about to lose it.  She gets a big laugh out of the fact that Damon thinks Bob is paying for the wedding.  She by Shereé offers to go ring shopping with him, but Damon is literally sweating ballz at the thought of it.  She by Shereé asks him if he will get three karats and he says he is not sure and is not really looking at color and clarity.  When She by Shereé put her eyeballs back in her head after he said that, she shared at him like he was a crumb snatcher.  Nothing like setting up her daughter and future son in law for financial failure by pressuring him to buy something he clearly can’t afford.

Nene is visiting a therapist to try and decide if she and Greg will stay together or just be done.  Basically the therapist tells her she can’t have her cake and eat it too, but Nene doesn’t see why not.  She needs to think about it because underneath it all, Nene loves Greg like a fat kid loves cake.

Kandi arrives at Jo Dee Messina’s recording studio in Nashville and she’s a bit out of her element.  They prepare to go to The Bluebird Café to debut the new single, “If Money Grew on Trees”.  They sing their little ditty and it gets a descent response and Kandi’s debut in the country music world is the icing on her cake.

Well money doesn’t grow on trees folks, if it did Bryson wouldn’t have to resort to petty theft at the local Wal-Mart.  Peter wouldn’t have to borrow money from his wife to throw a party for themselves.  Damon could buy Tiara a three karat ring with excellent color and clarity.  Nene could get a boob lift AND bigger earrings, and well…Phaedra could have had 24 baby cakes for Ayden!

Kiss Your Ass Goodbye

OHRS comes out in a rather somber mood, which we can attribute to the news that was all over the internet.  Gentle Giant Jermaine has been eliminated due to the discovery of a rap sheet, but our beloved host will get to all the juicy deets later.  Bring on da’ judges…Steven looks like a Mexican pimp and JHO is looking lovely in Tropicana orange.  OHRS descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps once again in the schoolboy vest and no tie.  It’s make Lisa feel old night 1983-1985 is the song range and contestants will select a song from year they were born.  They indulge us in baby photos of the judges and the photo of OHRS is just delightful, he was a little tubby bundle of joy.  Who knew he would eventually become a television ratings juggernaut.

First to take the stage is Dave Matthews and we find out that he had many health issues as a baby.  In a touching moment, his father gets choked up talking about him.  He discusses one of the health problems was that “three to four inches of his bowels were just dead”.  I am sure his son appreciated that being announced on national television. Dave Matthews comes in to speak with Jimmy Iovine and Will I am a Douche.  Dave Matthews announces he is on his way to surgery for kidney stones, but he will bounce back for the show.  He sings “Hard to Handle”, his performance is a bit hard to handle for me, he looks a bit under the weather, but the judges will cut him some slack.  You can tell he doesn’t feel 110%, oh wait , that’s Lou Ferigno on the Celebrity Apprentice…110%!  I am getting my shows mixed up.  Dave Matthews is a little lackluster for me, DAWG thought he was amazing, liked the cool, blusey, poppy feel.  JHO called him a natural and DAWG keeps chanting “after surgery!”  Steven tells him to watch his melody, but keep it up man.  Poor guy looks like he wants to chunder.

Jessica Sanchez is up next and apparently she was quite a diva as a child.  She would have tantrums to the point of fainting, but she had strong lungs.  She plans to “Turn the Beat Around” and Will I am asks her to punctuate the modulation.  Whatever the hell that means, but I am gravely concerned with her song choice because I am not fully convinced that Jessica loves to hear percussion.  Will calls her a “swaggernaut”.  Jessica has on sparkly bell bottoms and she looks like she is trying not to fall down.  Overall, the performance for me is a bit cruise ship and Steven thinks she strayed too far from her strong point, ballads.  The rhythm was a bit shady, but he digs her bedazzled pants. JHO agrees and DAWG echoes and the criticism is all constructive.

Hey Jun was always quite the comedian who got his sense of humor from his mother.  Hey Jun is singing “Right Here Waiting for You” and Will I am tells him to say “chance” not “chan”.  Fat chan that will happen.  Hey Jun asks Will for an autograph and for Fergie’s number.  The performance is a bit rough and he looks like he knows it.  DAWG jumps in first and did not enjoy, pitchy all over the place, JHO could feel his struggle and it got really beautiful for her.  Steven thought it was breathy and not great.  Beautiful must be the judges code word for “you sucked, but I don’t have the ballz to tell you.”

Elise is up next and she apparently was quite the troublemaker as a youngin’.  She has a second chance this week due to the judges save and she hopes to stay with the show with “Let’s Stay Together”.  Will I am reminds her to smile and they take the opportunity to put her side by side with President Obama singing the song.  Steven loves it, the rasp, the beauty, the soul…JHO thinks she showed America who she is.  DAWG says Elise is back and she was like butta.

Little Milli Vanilli is up next and it appears he always had very wild hair and he memorized the Music Man and did all the dances.  He is ready to punch his mother for releasing the home videos to the Fox intern.  Deandre hopes we feel the love, and settles on “Endless Love”.  Will I am says “don’t sing master blaster, be the master that blasts through the competition, then you will last until the next rendition.”  Mmmmmkay.  JHO says he sang it beautifully, but Jimmy and Will steered him wrong with the song choice.  Steven agrees and DAWG says Mariah and Luther sang the “I dunno what outta dat song”.  First “I feel old” moment of the night because when I hear that song, I think of Diana Ross and Lionel Richie!  Can I get a “holla?!?!”

Shannon Magrane sings next and as a child she sang about OHRS “Thumbelina” over and over.  Jimmy starts showing off some new phone, which plays music, but it is a shameless plug for AT&T.  She decides on “One Sweet Day”.  Will I am suggests singing laying down so she can practice breathing.  She is dressed very strangely again, it’s like a combination of Liza Minnelli and a cruise ship worker.  I’m not terribly impressed by her, but judges look happy.  JHO really liked it, Steven said she does her best when she isn’t trying so hard, DAWG uses his phrase of the night again “Maria sang the I dunno what outta dat song”.  Blah, blah, blah…NEXT…

Colton Dixon made time in his schedule for us tonight and he flaunts his twit pic with Chris Daughtry, who he got to meet for dinner the other night.  Colton was a great baby, a star pitcher, musician, etc.  His father is so proud because he put 110% into everything he did, just like the Hulk, Lou Ferigno.  Tonight he will be singing “Broken Heart” by White Lion.  Wha?  Will I am even said nobody knows the song and they are going to put Colton’s twist on the song, “He’s slam dunkin’ like Vladimir”.  OYOY!  If Colton’s twist was to make this sound like a bad 80’s hair band song, well then he pulled it off.  White Lion…in case you missed it:

JHO gives some mercy applause and dives right into the criticism.  She calls Colton a “lover” and felt he was so into the song and he looked so pretty.  Jeezuz Jenny, talk about taking it too far.  DAWG humors her, but Steven is out of patience.  In the first amicable stand-off of the season, Steven skewers the douchekebab and simply says it was the wrong song for him and he didn’t feel it.  DAWG called it “dope” and said he was consistent, always in the zone.

EVP is up next and her mom reflects on how Erika was always loud.  She’s going for “Heaven” and plans to rock it out.  At this point, if I didn’t have to write this column, I think I would be dozing off in my plush neck pillow.  This has been a really boring show tonight.  Erika finishes and she knows she sucked, Steven said it was “too busy” and JHO didn’t like the arrangement, but compared her to Janis Joplin.  DAWG liked it and gave it an 8 out of 10, but if it wasn’t broke, why try and fix it with some weird, kitschy, jerky arrangement.  Well said, DAWG, well said.

OHRS is ready to break the about Gentle Giant, Jermaine.  Jermaine was summoned to Principal Lythgoe’s office after school to discuss his priors.  Charged with using a fake name to evade criminal charges, not once, but twice.  There are active warrants are out for his arrest, but there’s no judgment here, they just wish he had been up front about it.  Jermaine denies that he was in a fist-fight, blah blah blah.  Still doesn’t really explain falsifying his identity and well, four active warrants for his arrest don’t really bode well here.  Warrants are not like votes, more is not better.  As he walks out, they play a brief clip of his rehearsal.  Oh, what could have been…NOT.  Take your sweater vest and go home. 

Skylar is ready to pick up the pace here and OHRS points out that Skylar was born in 1994, which was the same year Aerosmith was enjoying the success of their “Get A Grip” album.  I just can’t catch a break, I feel so totally old as I realize I am wearing my “Get A Grip” concert tee that I purchased when I saw Aerosmith on that tour.  Ah…the good ol’ days, back when tee shirts were made to last 18 years!  Hey it doesn’t have any holes in it, yet.  But I digress, little Skylar was a “mess” as her mother puts it, her father says Skylar would get mad and bang her head into the wall or sidewalk.  Sounds really healthy.  Skylar will sing “Love Sneakin’ Up on You”, which should be a pretty good pick if she can bring some funk to it.  Jimmy and Will are trying to talk her into some “Gountry”, (ghetto country) by singing a Coolio song.  She does her own thang and she looks fairly confident on the stage and gives a pretty good perf.  Steven parts his raggedy hair across his face and jumps in to say it was “beautiful”, JHO feels she is doing a disservice if she is not honest and reveals that she felt Skylar “really killed that”.  DAWG is keepin’ it real too, and says she did it well and rocked it.

Mantasia is ready to roll and in the “Totally Unnecessary Awkward Moment of the Night” sponsored by Coca Cola, OHRS presents Josh with a boat load of crawfish because Josh is from Louisiana and misses the crawfish.  OHRS eats one and then fakes a shellfish allergy.

Mantasia decides to sing “When a Man Loves a Woman”, Will I am feels his pain and has flash backs of being in church.  Our Mantastic Mantasia does it again and really delivers an effortless, soulful performance.  He’s got the squealing down and he gets the judges to their feet.  Once again blowin’ da’ roof offa da’ dump.  Love me some Mantasia.  I fully expected him to deliver the perf of the night and Steven says there are no words.  JHO said the best thing she’s ever seen on Idol and DAWG said he “blew it out da’ box”.  Phenomenal, incredible, on every level, crazy good.

Little Hollie Cavanaugh was born across the pond, which explains her accent.  “The Power of Love” is her song choice and Will I am was blown away by her power.  Again, an effortless, strong performance.  JHO said with her and Josh they “saved the best for last.”  Steven said it was a bit pitchy here and there, but beautiful.  DAWG said she was in her “wheelhouse” and she blew it out da’ box!

It’s time for cuts, OHRS put on a tie for us tonight and JHO is dressed straight out of the Barbie Stage Show wardrobe line.  OHRS wastes no time in flaunting some photos that JHO did for Vogue.  She uses the floor to promote her new single and video she has coming out.  So if that shameless self-promotion wasn’t enough, we now see that Tommy Hilfiger is going to be the image consultant to the contestants.  He needs to get to work on Shannon Magrane…STAT.

OHRS summons Dave Matthews, Elise, Skylar, and Mantasia to center stage.  Jimmy said Dave Matthews gave a new definition to the word “sick day” at Idol, he has much faith in Skylar, Elise blew him away, and Mantasia had a big moment.  Jimmy said Percy Sledge even called to say he loved it.  Wow…OHRS actually reads an e-mail from Percy saying how much he loved it.  I think Josh just won, no matter what the outcome.  Elise is the only one in the group in jeopardy.

Milli Vanilli, Colton, Shannon, and Jessica face the music next.  Jimmy explains that they suggested songs for Milli, but he didn’t deliver and not everyone gets a trophy and an orange slice.  Wha?  Jimmy understands why Steven was hard on Colton, but he didn’t appreciate the DAWG’s comments about the song.  Maybe Colton will get an orange slice.  Shannon pushed too hard and showed her weaknesses and Jessica has Jimmy’s support, 1000%.  Not just 110%…take that Lou Ferigno!  Jimmy states that if Jessica goes home, we should all go home.  Shannon doesn’t make the cut and takes a seat with Elise on the stools of death.

Hollie, EVP, and Hey Jun are up next and Jimmy gives Hollie straight A’s except for how the wardrobe department dressed her.  Hey Jun did not get rave reviews and Jimmy wants him to kick up the tempo and EVP over sang and Jimmy is just having a heyday ripping into DAWG’s comments.  EVP is the only one in danger.

JHO is not a happy camper with the results and Steven adamantly agrees.  He says something about “finding its hen’s teeth” and judges are baffled over Elise being in the bottom three.  OHRS remedies that in a hot second and sends her back to safety.  EVP is also safe and Shannon sings for her life in case the judges decide to use the save.  Sorry to say Shannon, there is no way in hot hell the judges will pull out the save this early in the comp.  After last season, I have a feeling the judges save will be reserved for much later in the comp. or if Jessica Sanchez is ever in danger.  Boring week, boring season, I hope it gets better.

Big Stuff Poppin’, Little Stuff Droppin’

Kim is trying to clean up the house while Kroy is gone and Kim, Joe, and Sweetie are moving boxes from one side of the garage to the other.  Kim is ready to throttle Sweetie for throwing her raggedy old nightgown out and Kim’s father Joe is on board with the throwing away of anything and everything.  Ugh, I can smell Kim’s Dad through the television.  A hard mix of burnt Slim Jims and a freshly opened bottle of Old Granddad.  Sweetie threatens to call Clark Howard at 11 live news.  Kim is ready to fire her and she catches Sweetie slacking off and smoking in the back yard, which Kim probably taught her.

Phaedra is back at the funeral home to start embalming training.  Phaedra names her dummy “Annabelle” and they get ready to drain the arteries.  The body is very pliable as long as rigor mortis has not set in.  They drain the main vain, fill it with formaldehyde and then suture it up with some shoelaces.  They get Annabelle into hair and makeup and Phaedra really feels like she is expressing her artistic self.

Cynthia and Peter are discussing their highly unnecessary and financially irresponsible one-year anniversary party and Peter wants her to be surprised about certain things and he reveals that he is over budget by 20% and he needs to borrow money from Cynthia, once again.  He talks about being picked up in a Bentley limousine and Cynthia is on board with that, however he informs her that Mal is not allowed in the car with them.

Kim is getting her hair done and she starts bitching to her wig dresser (yet another Kim employee) about Sweetie not being there on time and dropping the ball on her work.  Kim values Sweetie’s loyalty, but the friendship has crossed the line and there are no boundaries.  Really Kim, and whose fault is that?

Cynthia and Mal sit down and start threading beads onto shoelaces, much like the ones Phaedra used to stitch up Annabelle.  But not even beading can squelch the drama, Mal starts probing Cynthia about the cost of the party.  Cynthia reveals the budget was $10K and they are both paying for it.  Cynthia talks about how the wedding was so negative and they deserve the party.  Mal feels Cynthia keeps giving Peter a “free pass” for his asshole behavior.  Cynthia is sticking up for him and drops the bomb that Mal can’t ride with them, but little does she know, that plan will soon be foiled.

Greg and Nene get together to discuss Bryson’s arrest.  But not even a super-sized mimosa can alleviate Nene’s general disgust.

Greg confronts Bryson about the theft, but due to the full-frontal lobotomy, Bryson can’t answer him.  Greg drills down to his goals and Bryson says someday he wants to own a restaurant, which is so wise in today’s economy.  Maybe Peter can give him a few pointers on how to further f*ck up his life.  Greg lectures him about making changes because it’s practically “curtains” for him the way things are now and he sums up his lecture by saying “Big stuff poppin’, little stuff droppin’!”  Which in layman’s terms must mean, Bryson is talking the talk, but not walking the walk.

Meanwhile, the big day is upon Peter and Cynthia.  Peter is spazzing out because the Bentley hasn’t shown up yet.  They finally have to drive themselves to the party and Cynthia hopes it’s not a bad sign.  Cynthia, I think your first “bad sign” was when your mother and sister conspired to make sure you didn’t have your marriage license at your wedding a year ago.  Gosh, Cynthia instead of riding in a rented Bentley that you cannot afford, I suggest you catch the clue bus!  Guests are arriving and the party is underway.  Cynthia is still in hair and makeup and they are building a small structure on her head that could house a small family of raccoons.  Peter is squawking about her getting dressed and down to the party.  We’re already off to a flying start.  Nene arrives and canoodles with the men and makes her way over to Marlo and her date Dave, who is a white man that reminds me of the guy you see on a package of men’s underpants.  Nene says “white is right” because her greazy pizza parlor business partner/man is a whitey too.

Mal and Cynthia’s mother arrive and talk to Cynthia privately before she makes grand her entrance to the party.  They tell her they are shocked they made it a year, her mom asks if Peter is bipolar and Cynthia starts to go off.  Jeezuz, they haven’t even gotten liquored up yet and they are already at each other like the rabid raccoons living in Cynthia’s bun.

She by Shereé and Lawrence make their way to the party and they discuss Marlo.  Apparently Lawrence has done Marlo’s hair a few times, so She by Shereé gives him the lowdown about the Africa trip, specifically when Marlo said She by Shereé hangs around f*ggots.  Lawrence is very puzzled because he has known Marlo for years and is shocked she would use the “f-word”.

Peter whistles loudly to get everyone’s attention, which offends everyone in the room.  He announces Cynthia’s entrance and Marlo introduces Cynthia to her white date, Dave.  Marlo explains that she broke it off with Charles and Cynthia admires Marlo’s ability to keep it movin’ when she knew Charles wasn’t right.  Could this be foreshadowing…

Kandi arrives prepared to have a good time and doesn’t want to talk about any color babies, period.  They discuss white Dave and Kandi takes this as proof positive that Marlo has a thing for older white men.  She by Shereé calls Kim to see where she is and she is not coming to the party because Cynthia talked smack about her in Africa.  Speaking of smack, Lawrence takes Marlo aside to confront her about using the f-word.  She admits to getting in She by Shereé’s face, but in a masterstroke of bitchy behavior, she denies using the f-word.  Aww…hell naw!  Lawrence and She by Shereé stare at a clearly tanked Marlo in disbelief.  Later, Kandi is a bit perturbed that She by Shereé threw yet another person under the bus, but this time rightfully so, and Kandi confirms that Marlo did use the word.  Do these people forget that they are being filmed?

Peter adds to the WTF-ery of the night and he calls everyone into the room for a toast, except Mal.  At this point, he is just being mean spirited.  He pushes it too far and in a hot second, Mal loses her shit.  She gets into a fight with Cynthia, sticks her finger in her hair structure, cries, and leaves.  At this point, it is a mixture of exhaustion, drunkeness, and general hysteria…to be continued…

Taming the Beast

Tonight the contestants will sing the song stylings of Whitney Houston and Stevie Wonder.  Judges enter and JHO is wearing some really tight, high waisted, white pants that would make Michael “that crotch is insane” Kors go bananas.  OHRS descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps and he is wearing that damn vest with no tie again, what gives?  His stylist must be mad at him.

He introduces the girls and they all parade out in their sequined frocks.  The boys follow and OHRS has “breaking news”, it’s the guys vs. the girls.  It will be sudden death tomorrow night as the bottom guy and girl will face the judges for a cut.

Mary J. Blige is in da’ house to mentor the gang along with the next best thing to Simon Cowell, Jimmy Iovine.  Mantasia is starting us out with “I Wish”, which is a great tune and I have full confidence that Joshua can blow the roof off the dump.  Mary J coaches Josh to get it on and poppin’.  He’s poppin’ all right, he’s bouncing around like a Mexican jumping bean, a little runnin’ in place and he’s golden.  DAWG loved it and says the song is right in his wheelhouse, JHO puts up her fist like she wants to punch him and she noted his Mantasianess in his movement, Steven explains why JHO wants to punch him and says it was…beautiful.  Ugg…that word is tired.

Sidebar:  DAWG is sporting some “pop jewelry” on his jacket tonight, it’s a pin that has a sad face girl on it reminds me of Lite Brite.

Elise is singing “Greatest Love of All” and Mary J looks puzzled by her rendition of it and they recommend changing the song to “I’m Your Baby Tonight”.  Elise starts to loose her confidence and Mary J tells her that her voice is so dope and she just has to get out there and do it, but can she?  I wasn’t thrilled with her performance and I don’t think she is either.  JHO grasps for words and knows Elise struggled, “Whitney is a beast”.  Elise frowns and looks like the cheese fell off her cracker.  Steven agreed it was not a good choice and DAWG concurs, saying she was “boxing” with the song.  Wah wah…sad face, just like DAWG’s jewelry.  Elise chats with OHRS about how she doesn’t know the song at all, didn’t have enough time, it was kinda bunk that she had to change songs at the last minute.

Gentle Giant Jermaine is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” and Mary J tries to help him with his flow of words and Jimmy likes the “timbre of it”.  Jermaine is not my favorite and you can see JHO shifting in her seat like she is uncomfortable.  Steven said the song fit him “like an Armani suit”.  JHO compliments his personality and wants to see him connect with the song more and relax, DAWG starts speaking in tongues and basically all I got out of it was “I did not enjoy…just bein’ real…good lookin’ out”.  Well, I concur DAWG.  OHRS looks soooo small next to Jermaine, it’s actually quite cute.

Erika Pelt can Belt sits with OHRS to discuss her second chance, he is perched on the stool staring at her intently.  “I Believe in You and Me” is her song and Mary J says her voice is like “steak and potatoes”.  She does a very good job, DAWG discussed JHO’s goosies, he calls her amazing and unbelievable.  JHO thinks she is still playing it safe and she wants her to let loose, Steven echoes the sentiment and says it was “beautiful”.  OHRS reveals her new nickname “EVP”, we like it, we’ll go wit’ dat.

Colton Dixon is doing “Lately”, which Jimmy says is “not his wheelhouse”.  Mary J kinda looks depressed like she doesn’t know what to say to him.  I am not a big Colton fan, don’t care for the skunk do, the skinny legs, the fact that he stole his sister’s thunder by deciding to upstage her audition, and I just don’t think he’s that great.  JHO is shouting “yes, yes”, Steven says it’s outstanding, JHO felt he really overcame his challenges, DAWG said it wasn’t “picture perfect”, but the last eight bars were flawless.  OHRS liked the “smoldering eyes” at the end.

Shannon Magrane will sing “I have Nothing”.  Mary J can see her thinking and tells her to stop running and just sing the song.  Wardrobe department went crazy on her with that goofy shirt that looks like it was inspired by the Seychells Islands national flag. (Project Runway All-Stars Fans will get this)

She hit a lot of really rough notes and her voice bottomed out on her at one point.  Quite frankly she didn’t pull this off at all in any way, shape, or form.  JHO calls her “sweet baby” her thinking got the best of her.  Shannon couldn’t help it, so much pressure and that Bumpit was squeezing her brain!  Steven noted the nerves and the crash-n-burn at the turnaround.  DAWG notes the melody was off with the band as well, and it derailed from there.  She shakes it off and will carry on.  She needs to work on her posture, she slouches because she is so tall.

Milli Vanilli joins OHRS on the Coca Cola stools of death and he will be singing “Master Blaster”.  Mary J wants him to belt it and not be so pretty.  He’s got the rasta vibe going on, he descends the green, red, and yellow flashing Hasbro’s slippery steps, he hops around with his springy curls, and he does an okay job.  We are about half way through the show and I am still waiting for anyone to blow my socks off.  Steven starts off and says he’s the “male Naima”…oy vey, ugh and he says beautiful AGAIN.  JHO liked his swag and performance and said he “bought it from the beginning”.  I think she meant to say “sold”.  DAWG was feelin’ it and it was so good they didn’t want it to end.

Skylar is up next with “Where Do Broken Hearts Go?”  Mary J tells her to tone it down a bit and Jimmy said she fell right in the pocket.  Okay, finally, Skylar blows it out of the dump.  She hits some really good notes and makes it her own.  JHO says she is the definition of composure, a bit nasaly at first, but delivered the biggest moment of the night (so far).  Steven says it was beautiful, someone please expand Steven’s vocabulary.  With all the goofy shit he constantly says, you would think he could come up with more than “beautiful” to critique every contestant!  DAWG liked the end and he loved that she can sing any song.

Hey Jun is ready to take the stage with “All is Fair”.  He’s does an okay job, again nothing fantastic.  And if I have to hear that it was beautiful, I’m gonna stroke.  JHO says she loves him and Steven says he was fantastic, DAWG said not perfect, but really good.  Fair enough…

Hollie Cavanagh is singing “All the Man that I Need” and she plans to let her hair down this week.  Mary J thinks she will steal the show and I concur.  She is fantastic and she has a crazy spiky ring on that could put an eye out.  DAWG said she nailed it, JHO thinks she could be in the finals, and Steven agrees.

Jer-Bear is signing “Ribbon in the Sky” and based on rehearsals, it’s lookin’ rough, his nerves are getting to him.  Super rough, JHO looks like she wants to cry, Steven said beautiful and velvety smooth, JHO used beautiful again, DAWG said it wasn’t his best, it was a difficult song.

Jessica Sanchez is taking on “I Will Always Love You”.  She makes Mary J shriek with delight and Jimmy feels she nailed it.  Let’s see…holy ballz the girl was flawless.  I think we have our performance of the night.  Standing O, JHO jumping, high waisted pants creeping, guyliner running, slam dunk!  DAWG calls her legit and one of the best in the competition and Steven said she is “the one” and she made 40 million people cry.  She really was amazeballz.

Dave Matthews rounds out the night with “Superstition”.  Jimmy and Mary J think he is a great combo of singer and musician.  The performance is rockin’, but largely due to the band.  Steven calls him an interesting character, there are no words, “you just are”.  JHO thought he killed it and DAWG thinks he is different and he likes the “indie spirit”, he drives his own car in his own lane, and the DAWG loves it.

It’s night two and decision time.  JHO and DAWG stroll out hand in hand, while Steven limps along, OHRS deftly descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Judges will make the cut, one contestant between the lowest scoring girl and guy.  We are treated to the cheezy group number and the shameless Ford Fiesta plugs.  Now that we have all that nonsense out of the way, let’s get to the gut wrenching results.

Jessica, Elise, and Holly are up first.  We flashback quickly, Elise took a powder, Holly nailed it, and Jessica, well little Jessica blew the lid off the dump!  Jimmy Iovine commented that Jessica’s performance was probably the best on American Idol, period.  Wow…needless to say Jessica and Holly are safe and Elise takes the first stool of death.

Hey Jun, Gentle Giant, and Colton are summoned center stage.  Jimmy felt Hey Jun showed too many flaws, he felt Colton was not true to himself, and the Gentle Giant had an internal battle going on, which he lost.  Colton and Hey Jun are safe and Gentle Giant busts a deuce with the second stool.

JHO gets a shameless plug for her new show Que Viva!  She says it’s amazing, crazy, wild, and all Latinos.  It’s on Saturday nights, which is not the best time slot, so she’ll be cancelled in a month.  OHRS welcomes Lauren Alaina back to the Idol stage to sing.  Our little Lauren still looks as cute as a button, but the hair is a little too blonde and I’ve seen better extensions on “Dancing With the Stars”.

EVP, Shannon, and Skylar are up next.  Jimmy felt Pelt can Belt, Shannon’s nerves did a number on her, and Skylar’s nasaly voice won Jimmy over.  Skylar is the last girl safe and Shannon and our EVP are sent to the stools.

Dave Matthews, Jer-Bear, Mantasia, and Deandre face their fate next.  Jimmy is worried a bit about Mantasia, Deandre was a pleasant surprise, Dave Matthews knows who he is, but the girls could outshine him, and finally Jer-Bear just didn’t deliver.  Dave Matthews and Deandre are safe, and Jer-Bear and Mantasia hit the bottom three.

Right before the commercial break OHRS places his hands on Mantasia and EVP’s thighs and releases them from the stool prison and they are sent to safety.  OHRS asks Steven who deserves to leave.  What is this?  The X-Factor?  Bitches…puh-leaze!  He decides on Jer-Bear, well at least he was man enough to sack up and give an answer.  OHRS asks to dim the lights, he approaches Gentle Giant to tell him he’s safe.  Shannon is also safe, which leaves Elise and Jer-Bear facing the chopping block.  JHO announces the agonizing decision to save Elise and bid farewell to our huggable Jer-Bear.

Kandi Koated Fights

The gang prepares to leave Africa and Nene couldn’t be more excited about all of her special snacks she has lined up for the airplane.  Marlo orders the concierge, who she calls “Blue Eyes” to start packing her red bottoms while she eats a glass of ice with a spoon.  She is such a freak.

Cynthia and Kandi talk about how dinner “super sucked” and Kandi is still pissed about She by Shereé twisting her words about Kim and the orphanage.

The staff sings the “going home” song to the ladies and something tells me this is more of a celebration for them than anything.  Phaedra has realized that you “eulogize” yourself with the deeds you do everyday and it’s more than superficial things.  She by Shereé wants to shatter the misconception that Africa has in the media.  Whatever…Ho.  Nene feels they are back where they started, two groups divided.  As they pull away in the bus, Phaedra says the rain must be Africa crying because they are leaving.  Those would be tears of joy.

Back in Haterville, Kim is looking for a nanny.  Kim has two housekeepers now, Pincha and Febe.  Kim is frustrated with the sub-par resumes she is reviewing and she spots Sweetie hanging out by the pool and shouts, “it’s not like you needs a damn tan!”  Or something like that.  Sweetie asks Pincha about being the nanny because she has 7 years of experience.  Kim is furious that Sweetie didn’t tell her before Kim reached the end of her braid.

Cynthia and Peter are getting reacquainted since she didn’t even speak to him the whole time she was gone.  She returned home bearing gifts for her daughter Noelle, but she forgot about Peter.  Peter is planning a big one year wedding anniversary party for himself and his “dead in the eyes” bride, but she feels like he is only doing that because he feels robbed and their wedding was overshadowed by so much drama.  Speaking of drama, Cynthia tells Peter that Bryson, Nene’s son, was arrested again, this time for shoplifting razors and gum at Wal-Mart.  WTF, Bryson!?!?  Peter thinks he is looking for attention and Cynthia suggests he talk to Nene about it further and maybe he could reach out to Bryson.

Kandi catches up with Mama Joyce, who is sporting our favorite “Three’s Company” wig.  Mama Joyce doesn’t understand how Nene and Marlo “got to be so coo.”  Kandi shows Mama some photos of the kids at the orphanage.  Kandi gives her the 411 about the black baby gate incident.  Mama Joyce is optimistic that everything will work out.

Kim is meeting with her interior decorator, Kendra.  She is having naked pictures of her and Kroy framed and placed throughout the house they are leasing from Kendra.  Which is bizarre, what interior decorator re-decorates their home for their renters?  While we ponder this, K-Chunk KJ drops a deuce in his pants.  The conversation turns from fabric swatches to Sweetie and her overall lackluster performance as an assistant.  And no decorator consultation would be complete without the mis-411 about the black baby gate.  Kendra seems to think they must have been “clowning” and they didn’t mean it and Kim rebuts, She by Shereé doesn’t lie.  Yea well Kim, Kandi also doesn’t talk like a damn hood rat.  Kandi would never say “black baby”.

Kandi and Phaedra are on their way to Kim’s for lunch and they decide to stop off and check out Chateau by Shereé and they find it rather Chateau less.  They stand there with bugs buzzing around their heads “I don’t think it’s going to be ready for the holidays” said Phaedra.  I don’t think it’s going to be ready…EVER!

Kim’s chef is preparing lunch for the ladies and She by Shereé is the first to arrive so they can scrap the crap behind everyone’s back.  Kim is stacked, packed, and ready to attack Kandi for her alleged comment and She by Shereé whips out her matches and gasoline.  Get ready for a lunch with a side of some serious “side eye”.

Phaedra admires all of Kim’s flowers as she and Kandi walk up to the Thunderdome.  Phaedra may even pick some Haute Horticulture to adorn her hair.  Phaedra gives Kim a gift from Africa and Kim wastes no time to start making jabs, albeit subtle, about how the ladies were talking about her.  Phaedra comments to the camera “Lord have mercy, I know, before the end of this lovely luncheon, somebody’s gonna bring up somethin’ about this black baby shenanigans and I’m gonna hafta relive another episode of foolery.”  Can I get an AMEN!

Peter goes to meet with his party planner and Nene.  Peter discusses having 150 people for a black tie event and no food.  I don’t know what is wrong with him.  Nene arrives just in time to discuss this nonsense.  She has extravagant ideas and Peter did not bring his checkbook to make a deposit.  I guess they just like to talk about spending money and waste the party planner’s time.  Peter wants to sit with Nene and discuss Bryson’s arrest.  He’s been in jail for five days and Nene doesn’t want to bail him out.  Peter is trying to convince her to get him out of jail because he doesn’t thinks a five day stint could kill a boy like Bryson.  Hey if Marlo can survive, I am sure Bryson can!

Meanwhile, the ladies are sitting down to eat at Kim’s and Kim starts asking questions about Africa and Phaedra talks about the orphanage.  Kim starts with leading questions “oh and orphanage, were there little babies?”  And away we go…there is a long uncomfortable silence and then Kim drops the bomb…let’s quickly recap:

Kim:  “what did you say, Kandi, about me at an orphanage?”

She By:  “why you lookin’ like dat, you said it” [laughing]

Kandi:  “no because that was some straight bull shit, the way you brought back to her”

“Are you serious?”

“OH I’m dead serious!”

There was some more caterwauling, and Kandi tried to explain what Cynthia said.  She By Shereé kept butting in and just fueled the mess.  Kandi said she agreed with Cynthia, but her point was that Kim wouldn’t have come to Africa, period.  Things quickly devolve into a cacophony of a “Woman’s Right to Choose” segment on “The View”.

Kandi turns to Phaedra for some semblance of a voice of reason, but Phaedra’s demeanor falls somewhere between drugged, tired, and just-sustained-a-major-concussion.  Kandi asks Kim point-blank if she would have gone on the trip even though Nene was there.  Kim sticks to her guns and says that she didn’t go because of all she had going on with Kroy being away and the baby.  Kandi is giving up and she now feels that the positive experience at the orphanage is tainted, which it is.  Good thing Bravo paid for the trip.

She by Shereé is smirking like an asshole because she knows she started this ass load of trouble.  Kandi is trying like mad to get her point across.  Kim is full of continual excuses about why she can’t do things with the group.  Kim brings up her nursing degree and Kandi says “my point is people change.”  Kim is totally pissed and admits to the camera that she is floored that Kandi’s opinion of her is so low.  She shouldn’t be surprised, she did bilk Kandi out of the “Tardy for the Party” profits.

American Adele

OHRS points out that a girl has not won the competition in five seasons, could this be the year of the girl?  Thank goodness OHRS is dressed like a normal boy today, no kiddie vest.  Seriously, last night he looked like a kid dressed up for picture day at school.  OHRS introduces the judges and I love how Steven always turns his back to the camera and waves to the fans who are sitting behind him.  It shows he is a stage performer and is still not used to being on camera at all.

First girl up is Chelsea Sorrell, who returns to Stokesdale, North Carolina.  Well I am stoked to know that fresh baby back ribs are on sale at the Bi-Rite!  Hot damn!  She takes on Carrie Underwood’s “Cowboy Casanova”.  She started out strong, but I thought she ran out of steam toward the end.  DAWG is hesitant about the song choice and wants her to set herself apart, JHO thought it was nasaly and acknowledges that it “sucks to go first”, Steven tells her to watch her phrasing and timing.  OHRS also noticed that she ran out of breath at the end.

Erika “Pelt Can Belt” is taking the stage next, but first we go to Rhode Island to see her family and watch her ride her scooter.  She takes on “What About Love”, JHO and DAWG are rockin’ out, Steven says her confidence is magical and she nailed it.  JHO called her a power voice, but wants her to let loose, DAWG gets an Adele vibe and loves the fact that she is a singing DJ.

Early standout Jen Hirsh is up next, we meet her daughter poodle Sadie in California.  Her family owns a vineyard, hmmm…maybe they know the Bachelor Ben, he’s a vintner, and a total drip, but that’s another show…“One and Only”, another Adele song, is her choice, but I find her a little flat, I know she can do better.  JHO thought it was beautiful and that she did let loose, Steven liked her confidence, DAWG likes her swag and thinks she’s one of the best this year.  OHRS comes on the stage to speak to Jen and she completely towers over him.  I know OHRS is short and small, but dang, you could fit him in a thimble.

OHRS asks the DAWG how he feels about the guys.  Hey Jun is sitting there with his mouth agape catching flies.  DAWG feels they were a little lenient on the guys and warned them that they will need to bring it.  The judges must have watched the tape back and realized they were total pushovers.

Staten Island is the rotten place that brought us Bri-Hell Von Hugel and her momager.  Bri-Hell is a cheerleader and looks like she is one of the “mean girls”.  That momager scares me on so many levels.  She looks like the type that would put a fish wrapped in newspaper on your doorstep.  Bri-Hell is “Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay” with all of the guys team surrounding her.  I hope they got hazard pay.  Sorry in advance to any Bri-Hell fans, but this is the worst performance of the night and the show isn’t even half over.  Let’s see the judges navigate this one, Steven says she has a great sense of the blues, JHO thinks she is a true performer and she “eats it up”, DAWG felt she hit the “sweet spot” vocally and compares her to Janis Joplin.  Conclusion:  The judges are smoking mind-altering substances they confiscated from Dave Matthews’ dressing room.

Hallie Day from Maryland hopes to have us “Feelin’ Good”.  DAWG defers the critiquing to JHO who says it was beautiful.  Jeezus, drinking game alert…each time JHO says “beautiful” take a guzzlet of your beverage!  Uggh…Steven smarms “from day one, you know how I feel”, yes Steven, we know how you feel…can we say, Herpe check?

We head to Mississippi to visit with Skylar Laine where she goes four wheelin’ and works in her small family store.  “Stay With Me” is her battle cry.  She appears to be very comfortable on stage and she has some sass.  DAWG says she is rockin’, performin’, and shows star quality.  JHO loved the energy, compares her to Tina Turner gone country, Steven says she is a “pistol” and to keep it up.  Skylar is out of breath because her dress has her sucked in like stuffed sausage.  Well worth the effort.

Baylie Brown takes us on a tour of Texas where she was quite the athlete and we get to meet her grandfather.  She hopes we are all “Amazed” by her performance.  She is really shaky.  Steven says it wasn’t the best, but she is very pretty.  JHO says she’s BEAUTIFUL, also agrees she was shaky.  DAWG echoes their sentiments.

Hollie Cavanagh is another Texas native who gains inspiration from her family and friends.  I am somewhat confused because she speaks with an east coast accent like she’s from Boston.  Sidebar:  Hollie reminds me of the actress Laura Slade Wiggins, who plays the character “Karen” from the show Shameless, before the character became a raging bat-shit crazy slut.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Appropriately, “Reflection” is her song choice and she tears it UP.  Let me guess JHO, it was beautiful?  Steven says she was one of his favorites and he wants to see her let her hair down, JHO thinks she can win it, DAWG says she tried to slay the biggest dragon with the X-Tina song choice.

The Pride of Portland, Haley Johnson, hopes for “Sweet Dreams” with her take on the 80’s hit.  Annie Lennox has one of the most remarkable singing voices around and our poor Haley slaughtered it before she began.  She wins the “What the hell were you thinking?” award.  Somewhere Simon Cowell is sitting in a lounge chair, clutching his moobs through his tight gray baby gap sweater uttering the words “that was bad Karaoke”.  DAWG defers to JHO because he doesn’t want to say anything negative.  JHO skirts around it as best she can and gets booed, Steven says it wasn’t perfect, “but what in life is?”  He says “the money shots were on…spot on.”  I am going to leave that one alone.  DAWG calls it a nightmare, pitchy all over the place, and agrees with me that Annie Lennox was too intricate for her to take on, “this was a little train-wrecky for me today.”  True dat!

OHRS is standing with Joe McGrane and brings up the Steven Tyler incident. Steven cries “I didn’t mean it!” from the safety of his judging seat.  Shannon McGrane takes us to Tampa, Florida to show us how overscheduled and tall she is.  Shannon tries to “Light Your World” with her song, but the whole thing comes off totally pageanty, wardrobe choices and all.  This is like Toddlers-N-Tiara’s, the Teen Years.  DAWG said she came out swingin’ and likes her “Lauren Hill bravado”, err…what show are you watchin’ DAWG?  JHO has goosies, Steven says his “reality check bounced” and she took it up a notch.  I swear, Steven must have a random ass-hat comment generating machine in his pocket.

Jessica Sanchez is the first girl to sit on one of the Coca Cola stools of death and she discusses her swollen vocal chords with OHRS.  She finds her inspiration while shopping in California and sings “Love You, I Do”.  She gives it her best, considering her voice is injured, but I look forward to seeing what she can really do.  She gets the first standing O of the night and she is really shocked, which is good because that shows she is humble.  DAWG says “that girl can really sing” and gives her one of the best so far, JHO likes her swagger, her attitude, the growl, the soft spots, and her “body punctuation”, which oddly I completely understood.  Steven says her timing is exceptional and she is perfect.

Elise Testone is gets her inspiration from South Carolina with “One and Only”, ALREADY SUNG by Jen Hirsh AND ADELE!  What is up?  We can appreciate Elise’s take on the tune with her heavy, smoky voice.  Damn, she could smoke those Bi-Rite baby back ribs with that voice!  Steven said she blew it out of the water, JHO thinks she is the best singer in the competition and DAWG echoes again.  He calls her a force to be reckoned with.  Elise reveals to OHRS that she has adorned her hair with the flowers she saved from her room service trays.  Hmm… and she’s thrifty to boot!

We tune in again for the THIRD night this week…it’s decision time, judges emerge and JHO is wearing a sequiny smock that barely covers her assets.  OHRS descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps to take us through a massive cut of the contestants and narrow it down to the top 13.  Half the faces will be leaving… the “collective groan” sign lights up for the audience… each judge will get one wild card selection.

Chase, Dave Matthews, and Jer-Bear face their fate first, all three are just sick about it.  We flash back on the Tuesday night performances and I see that our AI tin-man, Jimmy Iovine, is back to give his feedback.  Jer-Bear’s nice personality isn’t going to cut it, snarks Iovine.  Chase is good looking, but that isn’t going to cut it either.  There was nothing fresh or original about him.  Damn Jimmy, harsh.  Dave Matthews wins approval of Jimmy, he would “sign this guy on the spot.”  Jer-Bear and Chase do not make the cut.  Dave Matthews gets the first golden stool.

Hollie Cavanagh, Bri-Hell Van Hugel, Hallie Day, and Jessica Sanchez are up next.  Jimmy says Hollie has promise, Bri-Hell has charisma but he is baffled by her song choice, Hallie has a good voice, but he is concerned there are too many blondes.  Jessica is another that Jimmy would sign on the spot and she is the one to beat.  Bri-Hell and Hallie are out and Hollie and Jessica are in.  Saw that coming a mile away.  Somewhere, Bri-Hell’s momager is having a stroke.

“Mantasia” Joshua Lidet, Hey Jun, and White Chocolate are summoned front and center.  Jimmy thought Joshua was the real deal and Jimmy will make sure he doesn’t turn in to Sister Act 3.  White Choco doesn’t impress Jimmy at all and neither does Hey Jun.  No surprises here, Mantasia is through and in a slightly surprising twist, so is Hey Jun.

Baylie Brown, Chelsea Sorrell, Skylar Laine, and Shannon McGrane take the hit next.  Jimmy likes Skylar, good charisma and stage presence.  Baylie was out of tune and Chelsea was Carrie Underwood Karaoke.  Jimmy felt Shannon was a good performer, but needed help in the styling department.  What did I say last night?  Too pageanty!  Spiff it up for next time, Shannon.  Joining her is the sassy, spunky Skylar.

Aaron Marcellus, Crouton, and Grim face the music next.  Jimmy’s take on Reed is indeed Grim, way to kitschy and cabaret.  Jimmy calls Aaron cheezy Don Cheadle and Jimmy also prefers his salad without croutons.  Geez Jimmy, did you take your Simon Cowell pill today?  DAWG gives Jimmy a pass on his harsh comments because he realizes the judging was too lenient, which it was.  Sidebar:  Reed is creepily stroking Crouton’s moob while they wait for OHRS to announce the results, WTF?  Aaron doesn’t make the cut and the two goofballs join him.  The audience boos, but I have to say I agree with that batch of rejection.

Jen Hirsh, Pelt can Belt, Haley Johnson, and Elise Testone step up to receive the news.  Jimmy likes Jen, but not a fan of the Adele wannabes and I think she may have blown it with that song choice.  Pelt has won Jimmy’s approval and he felt she showed great restraint and she was in the “pocket”.  Train-wrecky Haley was a nightmare for Jimmy as well, out of tune and “robotic mimicking.”  Elise won over Jimmy’s cold, black heart with her Adele rendition.  Elise is the last girl through.

Milli Vanilli, Eben, Colton Dixon, and Gentle Giant are the last of the men and there are two spots left.  Jimmy is a fan of the Giant, sees a lot of potential in Milli, Eben is talented, but not ready for prime time.  Jimmy made a comment about Eben not being able to come back because it’s against the rules, which confuses me because we have a ton of re-treads this year!  Jimmy finds Colton talented, but he needs to pace himself.  Milli and Eban are sent packing, Colton and Gentle Jermaine are in.

The judges have duked it out and they are giving the first second chance to Jen Hirsh and she bangs out a mediocre performance.  Jer-Bear is up next delivering an emotional performance, rousing tears from JHO.  Surprisingly, Bri-Hell Von Hugel gets another chance and she attacks OHRS in the process.  I think momager intimidated the judges.  Holy ballz, she does an ADELE song…WTF?  Seriously!?!?  Thank you Bri-Hell, you have just sealed your fate, with a kiss.

Milli Vanilli gets another go at it and the judges are pleased.  Pelt belts out a Lady GaGa tune and I am not too sure that was the best choice for her.  The final second chance goes to Grim and OHRS officially bids adieu to the rest of the gang.  Grim starts to disrobe and makes OHRS a bit nervous.  He busts out his last ditch effort, which is nothing more than a bunch of skatting rather than singing.  Unfortunately, he is so odd, I think the judges might haul him back.  DAWG goes for Pelt can Belt.  JHO’s reinstatement vote goes to Jer-Bear, no surprise there, she adores that kid.  And who will crazy Steven go for…Milli Vanilli.  I am so glad, sorry Grim fans, but I just couldn’t take him.  I am a bit disappointed that Jen Hirsh didn’t make it, but I will gladly say farewell to Grim and Bri-Hell.

Next week Mary J. Blige will mentor, boys take on Stevie Wonder and girls will put on their pageant best and tribute the late, great, Whitney.