Forgiveness on the Rocks

We pick up this “most dramatic season ever” with Joe and Teresa still conversing with the luscious Dr. V.  Teresa is about as broke down as her weave and she agrees to have Dr. V to fetch Melissa and bring her up to the padded room of fake forgiveness to hug it out.

An unsuspecting Melissa sits at the dining table and recounts her actions from the day before, and Caroline “I don’t own a mirror” Manzo tells Melissa that her begging and theatrics were too over the top.  NO SHIT.  Dr. V summons Melissa and as Rosie goes in for a high five, Melissa leaves her hanging.  NOT COOL!  Dr. V fills Melissa in on the progress Teresa and Joe have made during their alone time, and now it’s time to dig into the Melissa/Teresa issues like the bargain bin at Posche.  We are treated to a medley of the session highlighting every twit and tweet and Dr. V tells them to “get off the f*cking twitter!”  Best.  Advice.  Ever.

They discuss the rumors about Melissa and Dr. V gives Teresa a one two punch, “you know what Teresa, when you’re sitting with people and you hear something about somebody, and you don’t do anything, you’re a dumb ass, take responsibility!”  Go Dr. V!  The good Dr. finally coaxes a half-assed admission of wrongdoing out of Teresa.  Melissa agrees to put the big bag o’ crap aside and make up with Teresa.  Ever so appropriately, Teresa jumps up and says “I want a hug, bitch!”

Next, Dr. V poses the million-dollar question to Teresa, “where is your husband in all of this?”  In the Mucinex slug phlegm cave, Dr. V!  Teresa retrieves Juicy, who is ironically wearing a snot green sweater.  He gives a recount of the Joenado fista cuffs and he answers Dr. V’s questions in his slug like manner.  Dr. V’s patience wears as thin as Joe Gorga’s shoe polished hair and she says “please play along Joe, I need your help in this.”  Dr. V coaches Juicy on what to say to Joe, he offers a crappy apology and tells Joe to “get over it.”  Joe asks him to apologize to Melissa and Juicy tells him to “shut the f*ck up.”  Progress if I have ever seen it, said no one ever…

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang goes outside for some fresh air and contemplates ice fishing.  Dr. V hightails is outta there and Kathy is pissed because she wanted some cuddle time with the hot doctor.  Well, so did Rosie, and people in hell want ice water.

Sorry Kathy, Dr. V’s work here is DUNZO…

Dr.V

The gang is back at the dining table and Kathy offers Teresa an apology for the things said at the reunion.  Teresa gives a half-assed apology of her own, but it’s only a matter of time before Teresa goes off the rails again.  The boys and Rosie take off to find more liquor and go ice fishing because they are sick of sitting at that damn table.  The girls stay behind and decide to cook up a feast and Caroline indicates she has no intention of lifting a finger or putting on any makeup.

Back in Franklin Lakes, it’s the same ol’ shit with Jacs and Chris, Caroline gives Jacs a call to update her on the drama.  Jacs warns her about getting involved, but Caro insists that she is just there to make sure they don’t kill each other, but to “dredge the water” if she doesn’t return within 24 hours.

Back at the ice fishing expedition, the gang walks out on to the ice, good and liquored up.  Juicy and Joe start talking about the fight again and argue about who won.  They keep going at it, but Richie and Rosie are providing comic relief, something about Rosie’s vaginal grooming habits reminding Richie of Soul Train.  OY, a collective OY!

Back at the creepy castle of death, the ladies are cooking a ton of food and drinking a lot of booze.  Melissa is taking “just add vodka” a wee bit too seriously.  But hey, what’s a little family feuding without alcohol poisoning?

Melissa-drink

Jacs and Chris are out having “date night” and oh so appropriately, Chris tells Jacs that Joe had sex when he was 9.  Jacs adds that it might have been with Teresa and that’s where all these issues are stemming from.  Somewhere at the haunted castle of hell, a table flips.

Back at said castle, the gang treats us to a demonstration of pure nutbaggery by playing “Drunken Trust Fall”.  Rosie falls back into Richie’s arms and he catches her and then relentlessly grabs her breasts. 

Rosie-trustfall

Rosie offers to assist Melissa in catching Juicy and he flips back like a harpooned whale and they all go down like a sack of rancid mortadella.  Teresa wants to catch Caroline, but Caroline looks like she would rather eat her own vomit.  She relents, but only if Teresa promises she will do a trust fall one day with Jacs.  Teresa evades answering, but she finally agrees.  The trust fall game wraps up and Joe throws drunken Melissa over his shoulder to head upstairs.  I give you the montage of drunkenness…

Montage_of_drunkeness

Teresa and Juicy stay behind to chat and Juicy actually tells Teresa that they have to give Jacs and Chris a pass and make amends.  Teresa tries to argue and he shuts her down like a bad Ferris wheel.  Who woulda thunk it, the booze has activated the Mucinex slug’s sensitivity, he has turned into the voice of reason!  Teresa simultaneously goes into her howler monkey whining, her ugly cry, and her bear down poop face.  Any way you slice it, it’s a hideous look for her.  She argues about forgiving Jacs (foreshadowing), but Juicy encourages her to let it go.  It’s all puppies and bacon now, but something tells me they are all going to have a “forgiveness hangover” in the morning.

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Italian Where it Counts

As the two Joenado continues to escalate, everyone gives their best shot at breaking them up, except Teresa!  Girlfriend has grabbed her Louis Vuitton and has high tailed it outta there, yelling “call the cops”.  Smart move abandoning your husband and brother to duke it out until one of them dies, after all Teresa wouldn’t want to break a nail, or heaven forbid have her weave be pulled and her hairline be restored to non-Frankenstein status.  When the gang finally pries apart the Joe sangwich, the accusations fly…He was biting my nutz, Teresa you didn’t help your brother, blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah!  One thing I noticed that would be a key detail later in the episode is that Melissa is a good little ringside assistant, she was bound and determined to get that hat back on Joe…which puzzled me at first, but is explained later.

Richie tries to calm Joe down and engulfs him in his white Ralph Lauren chunky knit sweater.  Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy are packing their bags and Juicy has black crap all over him and cannot figure out what it is, but he thinks it might be makeup from Melissa’s raccoon eyes.  Back in the brawl room, Joe and Melissa are also covered in the same black, tarry, substance.  Throughout all of this, the team builders stare on, nonplussed.

Melissa and Joe retreat to their room where she delivers a rousing speech to her shirtless hubby.  “This is my family too, those three babies are mine too, I’m done, Sadam Hussein, that’s someone’s bro too, y’all, doesn’t mean that he’s a good person, come on Joe, how long you gonna take to put a shirt on?”  ALL DAY IF HE HAS TO!  Joe has a serious case of the sads, he can’t be fettered by a shirt.

Rosie gives her recount of the situation to Richie and Kathy.  Kathy comments that she was just worried about her nose job, but at least Kathy tried to break up the fight.  We go back to Joe and Melissa, who have met with the producers now don’t appear to be leaving.  Joe is laying in the bed giving his own rousing speech “when you hang with trash, you become trash.”  Hmm…that sounds like a Caroline Manzo-ism circa season one, “you hang around with trash, you start to stink.”  In this case, you hang with trash, you become covered with an unknown black, tarry, substance.

The Goo-boo-chays are digging their heels in, they aren’t leaving, let Melissa and Joe leave!  Ha, that will show them!  The Wakile camp wants to work it out as well, Rosie won’t have it.  There will be no giving up!  Richie charges into the Goo-hoo-flay’s room and tries to make Teresa see the nature of her wrongs, but he’s barking up the wrong tree.  Richie tries to boil it down for Teresa, she ultimately loves her brother.  Juicy says he has no beef with Joe either, Rosie says “just scare him out then!”  Teresa corrects her, “just hear him out.”  Oh mother of all that is descent and holy, I never thought I would see the day Teresa is correcting someone.  Could it be a sign of change?  Maybe she got hit on the head while the little fists of Joe fury were flying and it knocked the crazy loose?

Teresa wanders in to Joe’s room and asks him to talk, but Melissa won’t allow it.  Joe keeps breaking down crying.  Meanwhile, the team builders work their way upstairs to give a wellness check.  The team builder finds the positive, they all have a tremendous amount of passion, which is their Achilles Heel, but it will also pull them through this fiasco.  The team builder recommends they all sleep on it, however, Teresa and Juicy decide to bathe on it and they cram themselves into the little bath tub to soak off the scum and black shit have a romantic night alone.  They actually allow room service come into the bathroom, where they are naked, and serve them champagne.  The poor waiter pours the champagne and then flees the scene to go scrub his eyes out with bleach.  Teresa tells us that she is looking forward to “sexy time…brown chica, brown chown.”  There is not a modesty bar big enough to save me now.

Tre-Joe-Bath2

Joe, Melissa, Richie, and Kathy sit down for dinner.  Richie is annoyed that he has black crap all over his Ralph Lauren sweater.  Joe finally admits to the camera that he uses black hairspray to make his hair look thicker.  That explains why Melissa rushed over to him to put his hat back on him during the fight.  Hmmmm…hair in a can?  Do I smell an endorsement deal?

Spray_Hair

The next day, Richie and Kathy wake up and hit the mimosas.  Rosie wanders in with her own drink lookin’ like she just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  Give her time, Brass Knuckle Rosie will be ready after four or five drinks.  Meanwhile, Teresa rolls out of bed as Juicy announces he is going rub one, or two, or three, or four more out.  Ugggh, I’ll give you a moment to spit the vomit out of your mouth.  Teresa calls Caroline and says she needs her help getting through to Joe.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.  Caroline feels that since Teresa called for reinforcements, it must be bad and she must be scurred.  Caro is going to board the party bus to the wicked castle of hell.

In a Bravo crossover, Dr. V. from L.A. Shrinks, arrives at the castle of hell and Teresa asks her if she is Italian, to which Dr. V. responds “don’t let the blonde hair fool you, I’m Italian where it matters, my vagina.”  So I guess that makes her 1/16th Italian?  Teresa laughs nervously and explains how crazy her family is.  Dr. V. and Teresa start talking and right away Dr. V. is trying to get Teresa to look at herself and Teresa would rather eat her own earwax than admit she did anything wrong.  Kathy brings Dr. V. in to meet Melissa and Joe.  Melissa gives the good Dr. a bit of her story and clams up when Teresa joins them.  They all start talking over one another and it spirals out of control.  Dr. V. takes each person aside individually and she starts with Joe.  Sidebar:  Joe is wearing a “Poison” tee-shirt.  Joe covers several topics about his sisters’ general disgustingness.  Dr. V. elaborates on how Teresa had to love and care for him growing up and now she despises his mate because nobody is good enough for him and she doesn’t trust Joe’s decision making abilities.  Joe is at the wall and he doesn’t want to make it work anymore.  Dr. V. brings Teresa back so Joe can tell her how he feels.  While they talk it out, Caroline arrives to “walk back into the crazy.”  While Caro and Rosie chuckle about the traumatization of the team builders, Joe and Teresa continue to talk calmly with Dr. V’s vajayjay.

Dr. V. sees a positive exchange between the siblings and encourages them not to call it quits, but to spend more time alone together and keep working.  Teresa starts to break down hysterically and Joe gives her a hug and a kiss and they sob in each other’s arms. 

Tre-Joe-Hug

Next week, more intense psychological work and Rosie looking scared shitless on an ice fishing expedition with the two Joes.

You’re Nobody Till Scumbody Loves You

We begin this week with a sampling of Melissa’s new money making venture, “Twerkin’ for Tots”.  She is teaching her kids her ol’ stripper moves before they leave for the retreat.  Perfect timing, now they can perform their newly learned tricks for Nana, who will be babysitting.  Melissa’s children are more interested in helping her pack, they include a picture of Jesus, the Bible, and a stuffed unicorn.  Because everybody knows you need a stuffed unicorn when you enter the seventh circle of hell.

At the goo-boo-chay household, Teresa is packing and Milania is running amuck.  Tre asks if she had breakfast and she says “I ate a hundred twizzlers!”  In a rare moment, we see Juicy play “the monster” with the girls and they have legitimate fun with their father for about twelve seconds.

Kathy and Richie are all packed up as well and Kathy is ready to get things resolved “or die trying”.  Richie wants to make sure there is enough booze for this trip, because nothing resolves idiots in conflict faster than copious amounts of alcohol.

Everyone is boarding a party bus because nothing aids in family healing more than a mobile stripper pole and a neon dance floor.  The gang trash talks Teresa and Juicy’s marriage.  Melissa whispers “he’s an asshole and a cheater and he doesn’t give a shit about what his wife does.”  Way to go…keepin’ those comments on the down low.  Juicy and Teresa drive to the castle separately and of course, trash talk Joe and Melissa.  Juicy contends that Joe tans too much and it’s “sizzling his brain”.

Meanwhile, the Manzo’s are off to have some real fun.  Albert takes Caroline to Paterson Falls and they reminisce about Albert’s father riding across the bridge on his motorcycle.  Albert wants Caroline to walk over the bridge in honor of his father.  She is freaked out, but reluctantly does so.  They have a serious talk about Albert retiring, although he isn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, he does assure Caro that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  BOR-ANG!

At the Laurita’s, Santino the dog is shitting on the deck and Jacs has consulted with her pet psychologist and they think it’s due to all the attention they shower on Nicholas.  Chris grabs a quick snack and heads back to work.  At this point, I really don’t understand what the Laurita’s are doing on this show other than collecting Jacs’ paycheck.

The party bus arrives at the castle and they all deliver their obligatory cheerful greetings and salutations.  The two Joes don’t even acknowledge each other.  Teresa seems astounded that the Manzo’s and the Laurita’s are a no show.  Kathy explains that they are attending to their own family issues, like having peace and quiet.  Teresa immediately starts harping about Jacs’ recent tweet and won’t let it go.  Melissa tries to ground the crazy Teresa plane and remind her they are there to discuss their own drama with the persons present.

Each couple sits in their respective castle rooms discussing strategies on how to handle Teresa.  Richie comes up with a good point, Teresa automatically assumed Jacs was tweeting about her when she spoke of “dealing with a moron”, when in fact Teresa is not the only moron in this world.  Well played Richie, well played.

Melissa feels immediately on edge because of the way Teresa attacked the group about Jacs’ tweet right out of the gate.  In the Goo-whoo-say room, Juicy starts bashing on Autism and how the Laurita’s use Nicholas as an excuse.  He says a lot of people have Autism, how bad can it be, some of them turn out to be scientists…BAD MOVE JUICE MAN.  He quickly back peddles and says “I’m not a doctor, so what do I know…”  No you are not a doctor, you are the Mucinex slug.

The crew sits down for lunch and the main dish is awkward with a side of tension.  Rosie and Richie break the ice and talk about the “team builders” who will be arriving and they will all be working with Dr. V. from L.A. Shrinks.  Dr. V. is her own brand of cray cray and I cannot wait to see her get a load of this train wreck.  Teresa and Melissa start going back and forth and Teresa keeps claiming that she and Joe don’t fight.  Melissa mentions the water throwing incident at the gym and Rosie puts the kibosh on it, “guys, wait for the team builders!”  Richie pulls Joe away for a drink in the bar.  Back at the table, Juicy talks to the women about his farting habits.

The “team builders”, Stephanie and Steve, arrive to start reconstructing this hovel they call a fambly.  Steve looks like a young Ron Howard and Stephanie looks like she should be breaking Amish.  Melissa says that “Opie and Little Miss Sunshine” don’t appear to be equipped to handle them.  The gang assembles in the ballroom and the team builders can’t remember all their names, “when in doubt, Joe” quips Stephanie.

The first exercise is the team building rope circle of death.  Each person has to stand on a colored square within the rope circle of death and then they step back out without touching the ground.  Each time, a colored square is removed and they will have to stand closer together and work together to keep everyone from touching the ground.  What kind of sick, hokey, rope-a-dope, circle of death, “Twister” type, rip off game is this?  Juicy seems to think he needs to reapply his deodorant and Richie says “I thought I smelled scallions.”  Thank God I am not watching in smell-o-vision.

Circle_of_death

The group discusses trust and loyalty, Teresa and Joe claim they are both loyal to each other.  Teresa keeps going back to Jacs and the team builder asks the others what they think.  The discussion quickly escalates over Jacs.  The team builder tries to get control over the situation, but they ignore him. 

teambuilder

Joe suggests “build a f*ckin’ bridge” and Teresa is furious.  Juicy pulls Rosie out of the room to go knock back some scotch and argue about sizzle brain.  Teresa and Melissa are going at it over the Posche fashion show and the team builders keep trying to grab onto this running chainsaw.  Teresa keeps screaming something about Melissa needing to prove something and Melissa says all she is there to do is to beg her to “stop hurting us!”  Melissa throws herself on her knees at Teresa’s feet and tells her that all her pride is gone and she is just asking them to stop. 

Melissa-begging

Teresa keeps at her and Melissa jumps up, twirls, snaps, and calls her “poison”.  The Maury Povich security team rushes the team builders into the panic bunker.  Teresa tells Joe “get balls, be a man, stick with your blood.”  Joe replies “I’m not stickin’ with scum like you”.  OH SNAP!  Teresa storms out and tells Juicy that sizzle brain called her scum.  Juicy storms into the ballroom and before he can think about pummeling him, sizzle brain rushes at him like a savage ground squirrel and they brawl.  Everyone is trying to break them up and Teresa takes off running.  Fade to black…until next week.

Joe-blows

Joe-floor

With Friends Like This, Who Needs Kim D.?

Kathy Wakilie is hard at work in her industrial kitchen, which she scoffed about last week, however she has found a silver lining.  The test kitchen is the perfect escape from her boorish hubby, Richie.  She can fit an air mattress right under the cooling racks.  Jacs and Caro come to pay a visit and Caro drills it down “what’s the negative?” as she shovels brownie batter in her face.  Sidebar:  Does Caroline no longer own a mirror?  Brass knuckle Rosie shows up to discuss the Teresa caucus and shows off her busted hand.  Rosie describes the retreat idea for the whole gang, Jacs gives her best “aww HELL NO” and Caroline has gone as far as she is willing to go.

At the Goo-boo-chay household, everyone is strapping on their “Fabulicious” aprons to do some cookin’ of da’ books.  G to the Ia has a problem with the apron and storms off.  Jusband doesn’t understand her short temper, Teresa explains it’s “puberty” and Milania thinks that means G to the Ia is going to have a baby.  Teresa’s mother and father arrive to spend time with the family and show little Milania how the real sausage is made.  Juicy’s brother, Pete arrives with a gallon of Carlo Rossi and the gang commences to run their fingers through 800 lbs. of sausage.  Teresa calls Joe and does her patented “act like nothing is wrong” and she tells him about the retreat.  Joe is at the driving range with Richie hitting golf balls that have Teresa’s mug printed on them.

Sausage

Melissa is meeting with her “friends”, Maria and Jan.  She shares the good news about her book deal and her “friends” roll their eyes.  Based on the body jewelry, it appears that these two friends may know Melissa from the pole.

Jacs and Kathy are poking around in a boutique and Kathy gets a call from Teresa.  Since it is mandated by Bravo to use speaker phone for all personal conversations to be had in public venues, Teresa is blaring away and blames Jacs for her fambly mess, not knowing Jacs is within earshot.  Jacs grabs the phone from Kathy and it’s a Jacs and Teresa showdown, with neither of them knowing how to use their indoor, irrational skank voices.

Jacs-Phone

Later, Teresa is out with Kim D. and a group of hooligans, one of which is Jan, Melissa’s alleged “friend”.  Jan announces that Melissa is not her friend and she doesn’t like her anymore!  Apparently, Jan is still in third grade.  Jan spills some tea about Melissa making out with her old boyfriend behind the bleachers after school.  Teresa states she has heard the rumor before and she has confronted Melissa about it, but it’s supposedly not true.  Teresa is also stunned that Jan has turned on Melissa.  Jan, you ignorant slut…

Dan_Akroyd

Melissa and Kathy are taking some exotic dance workshop with their hubbies.  Richie admits he has fantasized about Melissa.  Yes, I will give you a moment to rinse the vomit out of your mouth.  Kathy gives it a half-assed go, but she isn’t into it.  Joe being a former stripper shows them all how it’s done as he crawls across the filthy floor toward his wife.

Speaking of romance, Caroline and Al are out for dinner, but Al looks like he’d rather be watching paint dry.  Caro thinks the secret to their happy marriage is that they don’t spend a lot of time together, she never has a chance to get sick of him.  They bicker about the Hoboken apartment and Al isn’t happy and feels Caro is stalking their children.  They get into a rousing conversation about how long it would be before either of them would remarry if the other dropped dead…is it me or are we tired of the Manzo’s???

Melissa and Joe welcome the crew over for brunch, everyone except the Goo-boo-choos.  The gang discusses the retreat and Rosie fills them in, “it’s in the Adirondykes”.  The famous mountain chain where all the surly lesbians roam.

Melissa meets with Jennifer the realtor, who is labeled “Teresa’s friend”.  She should be labeled “Melting cat lady doll from the screaming house of horrors”.  This is the same realtor who told Melissa her house wasn’t worth a bag of runny shit.  Jennifer gives Melissa a warning about Jan spreading cheating rumors.  Melissa is flabbergasted and seems like she doesn’t want to believe it.  Jennifer explains that Teresa didn’t say anything, but that Kim D. was instigating the whole incident.

Jennifer

With Melissa being exhausted and bereft over the rumors, they meet up with the Laurita’s and the Wakilie’s for a drink.  Melissa tells the gang about her conversation with Jennifer the realtor and conveniently, Kim D. walks into the restaurant.  In order to keep his shit stirring biceps in shape, Richie calls Kim D. over to and he invites her to sit down.  Melissa confronts Kim D. about the conversation while Jacs keeps yammering, in the background about Teresa being crazy.  I feel bad for Chris Laurita here because Jacs is bringing nutbaggery at its finest.  The poor guy looks like he wants to slink under the table and make a break for it.  Melissa and Joe start making out to demonstrate to Kim D. that they are “unbreakable”.  Kim D. finally takes off and Melissa compares Teresa to the head of a pimple that must be popped.

Jennifer and Teresa’s helmet hair meet for lunch and Jennifer confesses that she took a page from the book of the “Million Dollar Listing New York” boys.  She admits she ratted out Jan and the cheating rumors in effort to show Melissa loyalty, garner her trust, and get her listing.  “It’s a smart business tactic!”  Is must also be a smart business tactic to reveal that you are a low down dirty skank on national television?  Jen, you ignorant slut…

Next week it looks like a knock down, slap down, shit show.  The Joe’s will finally explode in the last five minutes of the hour and we will be sucked in to the easy bake oven of hell once again.

A Real Cramp in the Dick

Melissa is still working on her book and she explains it to Antonia as if the kid gives three wet farts.  Meanwhile, Man Gorga arrives home from the gym while editing has placed sound bites of him spewing expletives over the scene of him pulling into the driveway.  Joe tells Melissa he had “a rough afternoon”.  As he describes the Teresa run in at the gym, he snaps a rubber band around his skull.  Probably because the snap of the rubber band is less painful than dealing with his sibling. 

Joe_RubberBand

He confronts his cherished wife about the twitter comment regarding Teresa, and Melissa cops to the negative twat.  Joe is floored that she actually stooped to Teresa’s level of lowness and he gives her a scolding and there will be no twatting for a week!  Maybe Melissa can start writing that book of hers instead…

The Goo-boo-chay clan arrives at the Sports Shack to play soccer.  Milania steals the scene again with her antics on the field.  Her version of playing soccer is to give everyone on the field the side-eye and rant her one-liners into the air.  Teresa fills in her Jusband on the gym throw down and Juicy says Joe has “that Napoleon syndrome”, Tre thinks he means “bipolar”, but leave it to Juice man to break down history and school her on Napoleon.  Juicy then says that Melissa “straps one on and sticks it in [Joe’s] his ass”.  Teresa is a bit embarrassed as onlookers scoff at Juicy’s distasteful language at a children’s soccer practice.

Jacs, Caroline, and Kathy arrive at a Benefit store for some grooming and bonding. Of course, Teresa calls Caroline right at that moment to talk shit about Joe.  Caroline suggests “professional help” and Teresa thinks they need “holistic healing, like the whole meditation thing.”  Yea, can someone get Deepak Chopra up in dis’ beyotch, STAT?  Watching Rosie receive grooming services makes this whole scene worthwhile.  She looks like a surly fisherman getting his eyebrows plucked.  Without missing a beat, Caro reports back to the group about what Teresa said on the phone, I swear, is nothing sacred with this group?  Rosie is sick of “having to fly off the handle”, well hang on to your strap on Rosie, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

At the house of boring, Richie whips out Kathy’s high speed mixer in an attempt to mix business with pleasure.  Richie has taken it upon himself to order three tons of ugly, plain, white corrugated boxes in which to ship his wife’s precious cannoli.  Kathy pissed, Richie show Kathy how consumer destroy pretty, expensive box.  It’s all about the bottom line and Kathy is feeling the heat in her own kitchen.  Richie’s ugly box SNAFU is stressing her out, but he promises her after the cannoli sells, “pretty box will come.”

Over in Hoboken, Caroline is cooking a feast for her children and the Boyz II Manzos discuss their dating lives and how girls are not okay with being ignored due to their busy schedules.  Albie concludes he wants someone spectacular that he sees once a week instead of mediocrity seven days a week.  Christopher thinks his parents barely know each other and Caro goes on defense, “it’s not quantity, it’s quality.”  Christopher professes he doesn’t want kids, at least no girls anyway.  Girls are a hassle,  he has to keep them alive until age 10 and then from age 10 to 25 he has to keep his baby off da’ pole.  It’s too much pressure.  Lauren chimes in noting that her parents were lucky because she was fat during her “whore years”.  While it’s nice to see Lauren able to joke with her misogynistic, piggy brothers, it’s a bit sad.

In what is probably the most precious scene ever, Joe and Rosie are at a little bar talking about their day over a drink.  Joe is depressed, he wants to change the subject so Rosie says “let’s talk about girls!”  They laugh and Rosie reveals she hasn’t had sex in seven years so that’s why she gets “all grrrrrrrrrr!”  So what’s Joe’s problem???  They discuss Teresa and Rosie encourages Joe to start off positive, but he refuses to baby his irrational skank sister.  As Rosie continues the line of conversation, Joe grasps at his skull nervously, where is that RUBBER BAND???  Rosie the mediator offers to step in and call Tre to straighten her ass out.

Albert is finally at the Hoboken apartment and he cannot believe how low the flame on the stove is, line of the night…“this is gonna be a real cramp in the dick.”  The kitchen will just not do!  Caroline fills him in about their children, which is a perfect segue to visit Lauren at her tragically named business, Cafface.  Lauren isn’t sure she is ready to marry Vito, she wants to focus on her career, but the Boyz II Manzos sit at the makeup counter and tell her to “sew her wild oats” to which Lauren says “I don’t want to soil anything”.  Back at the Hoboken hovel, Caro continues to regurgitate the minutia that is her life, the kids just want to work, work, work, and she says Albert has created monsters.  At that moment, he sets off the smoke alarm and Albert continues to express his discontent with the Hoboken apartment, while Caro loves it.  Hmm…where there’s smoke, there’s fire.  Could trouble be brewing for the Mama Manzo and her man?

Richie surprises Kathy by taking her to a commercial kitchen that he has rented for her.  She looks around in amazement, but says they will “talk more about it at home”.  Translation = he didn’t consult her and now she is one pissed pastry maker.  Richie is confused by her reaction, he can’t win.  Looks like the mounting tension between these two is the only storyline they will have this season.

Teresa is hunting and pecking at her keyboard to prove she writes her own blog.  She says there is a saying “when you throw dust, dust comes back in, don’t throw stones, whatever.”  Rosie calls and wants to “iron shit out”, not to be confused with “cut your effing tongue out”.

Melissa’s mother and sister arrive with some photos for the “book”.  Apparently, Melissa is publishing a picture book called “See Daddy Cheat”.  Melissa discusses her father’s infidelity issues with her family and reveals that she will get into the details and she actually “wrote a paragraph” (ahem, a whole paragraph) about her father and how he liked to party and disappear for days.  Her mother agrees that he was probably with other women during those times (ya’ think???), and she tells Melissa to do what she has to do.

Rosie and Teresa finally meet for their sit down, which is what we have been waiting for this entire, excruciating hour.  Teresa asks for a Cabernet, but Rosie gets her a martini.  Brass Knuckle Rosie gets right down to brass tacks, she starts to lose her shiz more and more with each swig of her scotch.  Rosie starts screaming at Teresa for always blaming Kathy for everything. 

Rosie-pissed

Rosie is banging the table, Teresa tells the audience that Rosie should “drink some water, sober down a bit.”  How exactly does one sober down?  Teresa then loses her shiz and goes into her howler monkey voice.  Rosie is yelling about lifting each other up instead of bringin’ each other down, “lift each other up”, she shouts as she dumps her scotch into her iPhone.  I am waiting for Josh Groban to emerge and sing “Raise Me Up”…but that would be too “scripty”.  Sidebar:  I could watch an entire spin off show of Rosie ranting and punching tables, “Rosie, Pissed, Soused, and Over It” coming this fall.

Rosie-fist

Teresa orders another round, as if they need it.  Teresa tells Rosie about the gym confrontation, but Rosie doesn’t get it, they should be able to yell, lose their shiz, and be done wit’ it! 

Rosie-whateva

Teresa tells her about this “stress relief telestic healing” and immediately Rosie’s tone softens.  Nothing like a made up word to firm your resolve and quell any misgivings.  They decide to make it a contractually obligated holistic healing weekend for the whole gang, sponsored by Bravo!  They blow the “popsicle stand” and hug it out in the parking lot.