Chocolate Bunnies

Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM!  We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation.  Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:

  1. Overboard

Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice.  We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will.  Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.

Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure.  Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault.  Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body.  She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic.  Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African.  Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?

  1. Mommy Dearest

We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up.  She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason.  No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole.  Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father!  Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father?  Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms.  The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.

  1. Papa Smurf on the Prowl

We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really.  He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great!  OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”.  Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months.  As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same?  I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.

Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good.  Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars!  Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it.  They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change.  Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds.  Just.  Gross.  Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.”  Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!”  Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!

Stupid mouth

Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?”  Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.

Ayden OHAC

  1. Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)

The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final.  As a sidebar:  I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog.  You know the one…

Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!”  After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.”  Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.

Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn.  We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!

  1. Party Crashers

The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house.  Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out.  Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”.  The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it.  Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.

Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman.  Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.

Kandi - defending

Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!)  The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY.  THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  BACK!”  The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.

Advertisements

Better From the Tap

It’s reunion time, finally!  After a long, arduous, season about…well much ado about nothing…we have reached part one of the pinnacle.  As you may know, dear reader, I am not going to detail blow-by-blow of the reunion, for fear that my nerves will collapse and your head will explode.  Let’s hit the low-lights of part 1 of 187:

  1. Baby Talk – OHAC stars by asking Kenya if the pregnancy rumors are true, and we don’t mean her new pups King and Twirl…he means Kenya…and of course she will not confirm or deny the rumor. If Kenya is with child, we are going to need Phaedra to get Jesus on speed dial, and even he may not be able to fix it.  Somewhere in the ATL, Matt is googling “how to get into the witness protection program”.

We learn that Lauren has given birth, making Porsha a proud aunt.  Kandi is looking rather fantastic after delivering Baby Ace.  Reflecting on Kandi and Todd’s pregnancy journey, Kenya attempts to knock them down by chastising Todd for taking a bidness call during the early sonogram.  Kandi defends her man, she ain’t trippin’ and isn’t one to pass up a check.

We are treated to some unseen footage of Todd tasking the breast milk out of a bottle, and OHAC lets his freak flag fly as he exclaims…“It’s better from the tap!”  [insert sound of needle scratching off record here].  Annnnnd…How.  Exactly.  The.  F*ck.  Do.  You.  Know.  This?  Somewhere in St. Louis, Evelyn Cohen has died from embarrassment.

How do you know this

  1. Shady Bunch – There was a lot of shade thrown this season and the award for best shade goes to none other than Shaedra Parks. We are treated to a montage of shade thrown, and Phaedra’s impersonation of Kenya is first rate.  Just getting to revisit this clip of Phaedra twirling like a dervish in her 4th of July outfit is giving me new life.
  1. Frienemies? – Where are Phaedra and Kandi with their on-again off-again romance? Phaedra sent flowers when Baby Ace was born and she brought Kandi some chicken fingers, but forgot the honey mustard.  READ:  UNFORGIVABLE!  Kandi was offended by the attacks on Todd, but Phaedra was a little miffed about her soon to be incarcerated husband’s hidden assets in their garage.  Cynthia takes her moment to get some screen time and explained that she thought Phaedra knew Apollo was keeping stuff at her and Kandi’s homes…annnnd this is the only thing Cynthia has to say all night.  She must be conserving energy for when Papa Smurf joins her because previews indicate she will need to defend her janky marriage.

There was another matter of the money Phaedra owed Todd for her workout video, OHAC points out that Phaedra wouldn’t lift a finger for She by Shereé’s divorce proceedings until she had that full retainer in her hand, cash and/or money order.  Phaedra goes on to say that she received a shoddy final product from Todd, thus requiring extensive editing.  Blah, blah, blah…translation = the video will not even be going straight to DVD.

  1. Tootie Your Own Horn – Kim Fields needs an extra semester at the Skewl of Read, but she is learning to stand up for herself and finally participates in a bit of confrontation now that she is securely on the reunion couch, at least 15 feet away from “Oatmeal Pie Face” [READ: Shaedra to Kenya].

Oatmeal

Kim showed composure and class when she complimented Kenya on her comedic talents demonstrated in the “Life Twirls On” pilot, however it went south quickly after Kim  got to know Kenya and deemed her unworkwithable.

Kenya thinks she and Kim have comparable careers, but OHAC points out that Kim has been a star since she was a child and well into the ‘90’s, whereas Kenya was merely a Miss “whoesseh?” in 1990.  READ!

Who SA

Kenya claims that Kim is on her stage right now, of which Kenya is the star and Kim is low man on the totem pole.  Kim is looking around confused, she has zero f*cks left to give, because she is due at DWTS for a costume fitting in an hour.  Kenya criticized Kim for speaking about herself in third person, which is freaking laughable coming out of that cauldron of oatmeal pie face.  Talking about herself is about the only skill Kenya has, oh and interrupting and talking over others.  Kenya keeps interrupting and since she is no longer allowed to bring props, she starts clapping her hands at Kim like a rabies infected baby seal.  Kim is temporarily possessed and points her warning finger at Kenya, and with an “I freaking dare you” tone, says “say something!”

SaySomethin

What Kenya doesn’t realize is that Kim is a committed mom prepared for any situation, she has Ziploc bags full o’ cheddar goldfish under her couch cushion, she is wearing leggings as pants underneath her gown, and she is ready to spring into action and kangaroo kick Kenya in her oatmeal pie face.

Whew…glad that’s over!  Kudos to Kim for finally “bossin’ up”!  Next time, the hubbies join the stage for more drama.

A Festivus for the Rest of Us

We open this week with Phaedra deciding she is going to throw some sort of odd combination party that will encompass the holidays and the fact that she is filing for divorce from her unhinged, power drill wielding, convict husband.  Regardless, this will be a Festivus to remember since she is enlisting the help of Dwight, party planner extraordinaire.  Send Dwight skipping off to Hobby Lobby with his 40% off coupon and fire up the hot glue gun, there is no stopping him!

Porsha stops by to check in on her bestie Phaedra.  Phaedra informs her that she is going to perform a clog dance at said party.  Porsha shrugs it off with utmost disinterest, as if Phaedra has said something insignificant like, “I’m considering buying generic Ziploc® bags.”  Now, I ask you dear viewer, what kind of a bestie is this?  I would certainly want my bestie to ask me if I was out of my ever-lovin’ mind and please reconsider said clog dance performance.  I suppose there are more important matters on Porsha’s insipid mind, such as the story she ran across at Dish Nation about the Feds busting down Kandi’s door in order to seize Apollo’s motorbike and then busting down Cynthia’s door for his collection of Bicentennial coins.  Apparently, Apollo owes the government a hefty sum of restitution, so Counselor Parks is not surprised…or did Phaedra drop a dime to the Feds?  More on that later…

Kandi is due in seven weeks can she can barely hoist her ass up into Todd’s F250 pickup truck.  As they ride to the cemetery to pay respects to Todd’s mother, Kandi fantasizes about getting a boob job and a reduction so that her breasts don’t look like pancakes with a single raisin on the end, hanging on for dear life.  That’s an interesting analogy, excuse me while I get my cheese grater to scrape that image off my brain.

Pancake boob

Anyhoo…they arrive at the cemetery and we learn that Ace will have middle name of “Wells”, which was Sharon’s last name.  They place the flowers at the gravesite and we see the tombstone, which reads “Sharon Joel Wells – A loving mother and life of the party.”  And that she was…

Matt stops by Kenya’s house and he brings her two puppies, which he purchased as a gift for her.  Kenya names them King and Twirl and then places them on the floor to roam the house as if they have already been living there for six months.  Kenya is trying to pick out something to wear to Phaedra’s holiday party and we learn a very critical fact here, Kenya grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness, so she never celebrated holidays.  Why have we not heard about this before?

Cynthia enlists the help of her sister to move furniture around and set up a massage table so that she can have a romantic evening with Papa Smurf, since Cynthia has decided she can stomach him without clothes.  Peter arrives home and Cynthia announces she will be his masseuse for the evening, happy ending and all.  He is immediately down for that and can’t get his clothes off fast enough.  Cynthia is grossly massaging him, talking about “that special area”, and this is almost too much for T.V.

Then, FOR THE LOVE GOD…Noelle and Leon walk by.  Jezzuz Cynthia, we don’t ask you for much, could you please be sure your daughter and ex-husband have left the area code before you start pummeling your hubby’s pocket monkey?

Thats Gross

As we wrap up this rather lackluster finale, it’s the night of the Festivus for the Rest of Us party.  Phaedra poses Ayden on a pedestal as “Elf on a Shelf” and he is tasked with sitting on a high, wobbly column all night, unattended, handing out li’l bundles o’ coal.  Phaedra also hired Ms. Juicy Baby & Li’l Bit to babysit Dwight.

Festivus party

The only things worth mentioning this miscellaneous Festivus is the meeting of She by Shereé, Tammy, and Bob “Crazy Eye” Whitfield.  Tammy and her Miley Cyrus braids lay it out and ask Bob why he told She by Shereé that they hooked up and warns him not to glare at her with “dat bad eye”.  He claims he “never had sexual relations with that woman” and pleads ignorance due to brain trauma.  Tammy swills her corona and insists that these two “should just get back together” and then clomps away to get in line at the temporary tattoo table.

She by and Bob

Porsha and Shamea show up in paper-thin onesies and furry boots, looking like two penguin tweeners headed to the local rave.  Kim is speechless and Kandi is too busy looking for the chicken finger platter to care.  Kenya walks in dressed in some horrifying green Grinch makeup and she is teeing up the drama for the reunion, asking everyone who they think called the Feds.

Grinch

After Phaedra Phails at her clog dance, the episode ends with the summaries of where each woman is today:

  • Kandi and Todd have their baby Ace and her body allegedly “snapped back”, but she still doesn’t know who called the Feds.
  • Porsha is ready for her stint on Celebrity Apprentice (and we use that term “celebrity” very loosely).
  • Kim is headed to Dancing with the Child Stars
  • Kenya is still working on Moore Manor, complete with a nursery and a fake husband.
  • Cynthia and Peter are still a work in progress and Noelle is in therapy after seeing her mother massaging Papa Smurf’s private parts.
  • Phaedra continues to dial the Feds, and she has not taken the boys back to visit Apollo.

Next week – part 187 of the reunion, Nene prances in wearing a hideous body suit and the ladies read each other like a shady Harlequin romance novel!

The Calm After the Storm

The crew is back in ATL after their stormy Jamaican adventure.  All seems right with the world now, because they have all retreated back into their natural habitats, separated from each other by the electric fence.

In Kandi-Land news, she has been holding down the ATL fort awaiting her new addition, which is due in seven weeks.  She announces that she is having a boy, but we already knew this since Ace fought his way out of her chicken fried womb months ago.  Kandi, Mama Joyce, and Todd sit in the waiting room discussing how short the baby will be when he grows up, but Todd is in heavy denial about being vertically challenged.  He’s a 5’4” man trying to pass himself off as 5’9”.  Dr. Jackie bounces in looking like she just came from the annual municipal Easter egg hunt.  Seriously, her dress is very cute, but doesn’t seem fit for doctoring, shouldn’t she be wearing a lab coat and ugly Crocs?  But, I digress… the more dreadful item of significance here is that Dr. Jackie feels that it’s appropriate to tell Kandi and Todd, in the presence of Mama Joyce, about alternative ways to get their freak on, despite Kandi’s pregnancy belly.  When Dr. Jackie suggests something “on the side” or “hanging over the kitchen sink”, Mama Joyce recoils in horror.  Now would be the time to wield the Walmart Wedgie of Death in Dr. Jackie’s direction!

In case you missed it, Mama Joyce be like…

Disgusted face

Kandi reveals that they plan to name their son Ace Wells Tucker and Dr. Jackie approves – sounds like a guy you want to go golfing with, or a guy you might see doing 8 – 10 at Fort Dix.  Kandi reveals her inspiration was a deck of cards, Ace is highest and lowest, he is the first and the last, he is the end-all, be-all, Ace is the Place for the helpful hardware man!  Dr. Jackie reminds Todd to get the “push gift” ready, “We like diamonds, no chips, and we don’t like the number to start with one either!”  Translation = No Scrubs!  Todd gives the death stare and Mama Joyce giggles because now she thinks Kandi will finally get the diamond ring she deserves instead of that ol’ two carat piece of Cracker-Jack rubbish he used to propose.

In Kenya-Land, she and Matt are checking on Moore Manor, Delusional Dilapidated House of Horrors.  Matt is eyeing up a prime parking spot and a place for his Nordic Track, but Kenya is pushing for diamonds first.  With Matt being a personal trainer, that diamond may start with the number zero and end in a 0.25.  Kenya’s Aunt Lori comes by to assess the merchandise, meaning Matt, and she evaluates his shoe size, because you can tell a lot about a man’s intellectual prowess by his shoe size… ahem… Kenya sends big-footed Matt off to do some fake carpentry work so that she and Lori can gossip about him.  Kenya tells Aunt Lori that she has a new process for “vetting” her men (plural), and we are treated to a flash back of Walter, the disgusting tow truck driver that never could.  Kenya has clearly fired her old makeup artist because she is much more camera friendly now.  Looking back, it’s painfully evident how staged the whole “Walter” thing was, what a dolt.  At least Matt is easy on the eyes and seems like a nice person, even if he is just a prop.  Aunt Lori wishes Kenya lotsa luck, provided she doesn’t send Matt screaming for the hills.  These two are dressed like some strange version of Southern Belle, Frail International Spy meets Wayward Kid ‘N Play Groupie…can someone get some space heaters up in this beyotch?!?!

Kenya-ramshackle home

Later, Matt takes Kenya to “The Melting Pot” restaurant, where of course she’s a little put off by having to cook her own food in the fondue pot.  Ha, wait until you get home and come to find out that your $300 dress and $8 weave smell like an amalgam of old cooking grease, beef, and onions!  Kenya starts quizzing Matt on his past and he confirms that all of his wild ways are far behind him.  Kenya admits she is no spring chicken and has already started saving her eggs.  Matt believes she is referring to the eggs laid by the wild chickens living in her unfinished home and that she is saving them to cook him breakfast in the morning.  If he had fully understood her, I have no doubt he would have melted his face off in the hot fondue pot.

Porsha, well she’s an idiot.  She is preparing for a photo shoot for her new ultra cheap-n-cheezie lingerie line.  She has a phone conversation with Johnnie, her Creative Director and they are discussing the body types that will be photographed.  Porsha says “it wasn’t set in see-men”, no your photos won’t be “set in semen” until they are filched out of the recycling bins by hungover Waste Management employees.

Thankfully, Johnnie has his Porsha stupidity decoder handy and he is able to translate “it wasn’t set in STONE”, he then comments that she has the brains of a paper cup, which may be giving her too much credit.  On the day of the photo shoot, Porsha proves that she cannot handle running her empire without Lauren.  She dicks around in hair and makeup and bullshitting with Cynthia for too long and she runs out of daylight for the outside shots.  Cynthia, the ever the consummate professional, pulls off her indoor shots within a few minutes.

In other Cynthia news, she visits Kim and we get to see a sample of the ‘mercial, but it’s about as cheap-n-cheezie as Porsha’s lingerie.  Cynthia Bailey Eyewear, cheap ass sunglasses that will break right off your head after one wear.  But enough about the ‘mercial…Cynthia uses the opportunity to revisit the “your husband is fruity or gay” discussion, but Kim is totally over it.  Cynthia makes one last-ditch effort before filming the 12 part reunion to reiterate that she had no part in that conversation.

In Phaedra-World – she is moving forward with her divorce from Apollo and debating if she will take the kids to see him now that he is moved to Fort Dix.  Phaedra drops by Kandi-Land to keep up the pretense that they are mending their friendship.  Kandi is dressed like she’s going to a rootin’ tootin’ hoedown to take a nap…

Kandi-hoedown

 

…and Phaedra is cloaked in Cookie Monster’s toilet lid cover.

Phaedra-cookie cloak

Phaedra gifts Kandi with some nipple cream whilst giving her the scoop on the Jamaica trip, which is Phine by Phaedra because she has no plans of discussing the Apollo situation with anyone.  Everyone has already been up in her bidness far too much, “more than my gynecologist has been in my vagina.”

On to what is really important here and that is the “Ayden cam!”  I just can’t get over this kid, and his cute, adorable voice is enough to melt my cold, dead heart.  Phaedra is heading to Fort Dix to see Apollo, which will be the first time since the day he became unhinged in the garage and lunged at her with a running power drill.  Phaedra doesn’t tell the boys why they are in Philadelphia, in the event they cannot get into the prison because Phaedra has gone commando.  Baby Dylan has come a long way and his personality is asserting itself.  This kid ain’t goin’ back to baby Kar-ah-TAY…and you can’t make him.  He has already achieved his black belt and he will deliver a toddler sized foot to your face if you don’t back off!

Dylan Ayden

Dylan and Ayden are being lovey dovey brothers, Dylan giving his big brother kisses is just too cute for words.  Ayden is playing with Phaedra’s iPad and asks “Can you please get me one of these?  I really need it for work and business.”  When Phaedra asks, “what kind of business?” he says “Unexpected business.”  Sounds like he has picked up a thing or two from his father’s “shady bidness”!

When they arrive at Fort Dix, cameras are not allowed, so all we see is that Phaedra’s mother has waited in the car for 2 ½ hours, while playing 100 rousing rounds of Bejeweled Blitz.  Phaedra returns with the boys, calling their visit “interesting”.  She asks Ayden to comment on daddy’s hair and Ayden says “I did not quite like it”, apparently Apollo has a Mohawk and a tattoo of a single tear coming out of his left eye.

Phaedra is hesitant to visit again, the boys were antsy and Apollo is refusing to sign the divorce papers.  SHOCKER!  Next week, finally…the season finale!  Looks like some sort of holiday party gone horribly awry!