Well this week, we received an Easter basket full of chocolate bunnies gone HAM! We received some ghastly penis based insults, a reflective wig tuggin’ trip down memory lane, and the cherry on our Sunday….prison masturbation. Let’s jump right in with the low-lights:
Revisiting the shit show that was the boat outing where everyone was calling each other beyotches and ho’s, Cynthia and Porsha admit they were turnt up, meaning hammered on Hennessey and orange juice. We revisit one of my favorite fisticuffs, She by Shereé’s infamous “wig tug”, which she claims was just a “shift”, a helpful “adjustment” if you will. Whilst they are talking about Kim’s wig – meaning Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields is looking around as if she is lost in a corn maze.
Anyhoo…Cynthia and Porsha continue to diagram the altercation as if they are in advanced placement English, trying to diagram complex sentence structure. Between the wrist grabbing, the acrylic nail finger pointing, the straddle, the gut kick, and the security tackle, they finally agree they were both at fault. Although Porsha wants to point out that she suffered “contusions” all over her body. She just wanted an excuse to use the $5.00 word she learned at the CVS Mini-Clinic. Kenya brings up something about Porsha pulling a Naomi Campbell on her assistant and Porsha fights back by accusing Kenya of seeing a one-eyed African. Is this “one-eyed African” the latest Urban Dictionary slang term for a penis or is this an actual African man wearing an eye patch?
- Mommy Dearest
We revisit the painful rejection Kenya faces at the hands of her biological mother and Porsha just doesn’t know when to shut up. She has been trying to figure out why Kenya is such an asshole, and thinks the deadbeat mom is the reason. No, she is just a plain ol’ garden variety asshole. Kenya claims that lack of her mother’s love is not her problem, in fact she had such a wonderful upbringing with the love of a fantastic father! Raise your hand if you are confused, hasn’t one of Kenya’s main storylines been mending her relationship with her father? Phaedra looks about as bored as the corpses she embalms. The prosecution rests, this oatmeal pie face is half-baked.
- Papa Smurf on the Prowl
We continue to beat the dead marriage horse and Papa Smurf joins the stage to somewhat defend his position, but not really. He spends all of his time in Charlotte canoodling with his staff, but hey…he and Cynthia are great! OHAC whips out his hard-hitting investigative journalism skills and notes that they sound, well “separated”. Peter actually has the stones to compare himself to a soldier who leaves for duty and doesn’t see his wife and family for months. As if being away while serving up mozzarella sticks in paper food boats and canoodling with underage bar patrons is somehow the same? I think Peter is still smoking whatever he bought in Jamaica and was able to sneak through customs up his asshole.
Cynthia supports her ol’ crusty hubby by complimenting his cheating acumen, Peter would be more discreet if he was up to no good. Porsha keeps pushing after Peter and advises Cynthia that Peter pays his waitresses pennies, er uh… penises, you know…Dick Dollars! Somehow Kenya gets involved and she and Porsha go at it. They hurl tasteless insults at each other, something about lying on your back to make a small piece of change. Porsha says something about a “dry piece instead of wet piece in that ditch”, I have no idea what the hell she means, but it Sounds. Just. Gross. Kenya tells her to shut her mouth “if there’s not a dick in it, you don’t know what you’re saying.” Porsha snaps back with a really distasteful “What about that dick you tuck every day before you come to work, beyotch!” Peter exits stage left and makes room for Ayden, which is such an appropriate follow up to that sacrilege!
Ayden helps Andy host the show for a minute by asking questions which OHAC whispers in his ear, but then suddenly…out of the mouths of babes…he asks his mama “why are you here and when are you coming home?” Mama has to make a buck, chile…as OHAC sends him off to raid craft services.
- Phaedra Gets Her Groove Back (Chile…she never lost it!)
The next low-light focuses on Phaedra and she is pressing on with her divorce and she will complete her Match.com profile when the paperwork is final. As a sidebar: I notice that the set is decorated entirely with all of the items featured in the annual Pier One “teal” catalog. You know the one…
Anyhoo… Phaedra is on the fence about taking the boys back to visit Apollo in the clink, she said there were inappropriate things going on in the back row, and of course OHAC asks the question we all had on our minds, “like what?!?!” After the Bravo Intern wiped the drool from his chin with a Jimmy John’s napkin, Phaedra answers the question “someone had their hands in someone else’s pants…ahem…masturbation.” Isn’t that technically a “hand job”, or in Phaedra speak “digital stimulation”.
Either way, it’s gross and not something Ayden needs to learn. We need to keep that kid cute and innocent as long as possible!
- Party Crashers
The final low-light we will cover is the discussion of Tammy’s nephew…Glen, who Kenya invited to the Miami party house. Phaedra pretty much called it here by pointing out what we all know, Kenya wanted him around, but when he rebuffed her poor excuse for flirtation, she wanted him out. Kenya denies, accuses Phaedra of always trying to paint her as a “wanton hussy”. The ladies don’t disagree that Glen was acting crazier than a bed bug and should have been asked to leave, but Kenya kept pushing the issue, poking the hornet’s nest as Kim called it. Kenya is always so quick to call security at the sight of an errant coochie crack, but in Miami Kenya kept pushing Glen for a reaction while security was already handling it.
Kandi, of all people, starts defending Kenya because “at the end of the day”, it was Glen who was acting crazy right out of the gate, throwing gang signs at a pregnant woman. Sigh…at the end of the day…I think Kandi needs a break to hit the dressing room and use her breast pump.
Next week Nene makes an appearance in a nude illusion, jewel encrusted, cat suit (someone please show this woman a mirror!) The house-hubbies hit the couch and Kim Fields shouts “PLAY. THE. EFFING. TAPE. BACK!” The supersized part three will be worth it just to see Kim come about as unglued as her wiglette.