Cabbage and Beef

This week it’s all about squashing the beef with added filler.  Let’s start with Kandi and Mama Joyce who get together with the Ol’ Lady Gang (OLG) over some fried chicken-n-biscuits to celebrate the closing on Mama’s new home that Kandi paid for.  Mama refuses to give Kandi a key because, well…Mama is bitter, she has to “ring four bells” before she can gain entry to Kandi’s McMansion.  Mama is so short sighted, Kandi should have a key in the event Mama has fallen and can’t get up.  Oh and that pesky li’l detail…SHE PAID FOR THE HOME.  The OLG offers a counter point, Todd might choose to be “walkin’ ‘round nekkid” in his own marital home, and therefore Mama cannot have a key.  Besides, who in the hell would be walkin’ ‘round nekkid in Mama’s home???  Kandi murmurs while sputtering some chicken skin out of her mouth, “you know Bennie gonna be right there.”  Yeah, playing “Whack-a-Mole” in the new bathrooms?  Aunt Bertha, voice of reason, pleads – “Let’s eat before you all start discussing ‘bout the keys, and the men’s, and the walking nekkid!”  Amen… Aunt Bertha is my new spirit animal.  Kandi decides to reveal a “key” piece of information to the OLG…Todd’s mother, Sharon, wants an apology or she will be serving up a knuckle sandwich with a side of red beans-n-rice.  Aunt Bertha says “bring it, she better come correct!”  Mama Joyce adds this li’l nugget, “she better not come like no cabbage!”  Aunt Bertha clarifies the statement, it means “Don’t come with all head and no ASS!”

Later, Kandi summons Todd into her office and has him take a seat in the hot pink pleather chair of torture.  First off, she is not happy with the floundering ticket sales for “A Mother’s Love”, which is on tour in 26 cities.  Then we get to the real meat of this meeting, Mama Joyce has no intention of apologizing to Sharon, EVA.  Todd gives the routine Bravo househusband “at the end of the day” speech and concludes that they will do holidays separately if the two Mama’s are gonna be “showin’ out.”  Kandi doesn’t like his solution, she gives him a “Girl, BYE”, and walks away to avoid a potentially marriage-crushing issue the argument.

Meanwhile, across town, Nene stops at a restaurant to throw shade and meet “a girl with a lotta weave in her hair”, which is how she is describing her latest lap dog, Porsha.  These two have a meeting of the mind (singular) to rehash the Nene/Cynthia battle.  Nene is still sporting her straw, bowl-cut, hair system, which tells me her judgment is seriously impaired.  At the end of the day… Nene will arrange a kiki for the girls to get together for a good ol’ fashioned meow down and wig burning.

Cynthia drags Claudia to the “J Spot” so that Derek can perform a makeover because she feels Claudia needs to put forth more of an effort.  Claudia takes the “constructive criticism” in stride as Derek pretends to curl her hair, they gossip about Demetria’s epic fail of a party, and Derek J reveals that he bolted after five minutes of the party to go find a chicken wang.  The name Roger Bobb pops up again in this scene at least five times and of course none of these chuckleheads are aware that he was in a relationship.  Saved by the bell, Cynthia receives an ominous text from Nene “bring your girl, Kenya, for drinks and girl talk”.

Kenya and her friend Brandon meet with a realtor to look at some office space because since her fake meeting with Roger Bobb, she is going to need a fake space for herself and her two fake assistants.  They find a space big enough for Brandon to install his bunk beds and disco balls.  Cynthia calls Kenya in the midst of the real estate tour to invite Kenya to the pow wow with Nene.  Kenya knows a set up when she smells it and will be good and lotioned up for this event!

Claudia gets together with her mother (Teresa) and her grandmother (Lillian).  They have just arrived in the ATL and Lillian is ready to roll a smoke.  Claudia takes them out for a little ATL culture at “Lips”, a drag queen restaurant.  They discuss Claudia’s private life, having a baby without a husband, and how Teresa never said “I love you” to Claudia.  This Mama takes a page from Phaedra’s book of “love is a verb” and says “actions speak louder than words”.  They receive their fruity drinks from the drag queen and toast to Claudia finding a baby daddy, Lillian says “be careful because I heard these Atlanta men are slick!”  Lillian is my new spirit animal.

Claudia-Mamas

Not much on Phaedra this week, she briefed her mother, Pastor Regina, on the awfulness that is Apollo Nida and concludes that he should have married a hillbilly if he can’t handle the fact that Phaedra is a bad-ass BOSS.  Later, to reinforce that Apollo is MIA and Phaedra is holding down the fort with her seven nannies, Phaedra assists her boys in brushing their teeth and reading bedtime stories.  Ayden calls his brother to bed for story time, hearing him say “Mr. President, come here, we need you!” is EVERYTHANG!

Phaedra-Boys

Nene selects the very apropos “Arena Tavern” for the fight card this evening.  Nene informs her lackey, Porsha, that Kenya will be attending and they must have a conversation and apologize to each other.  Porsha looks like someone just threw up in her Chanel bag.  Cynthia and Kenya arrive and Nene orders a round of drinks so they can all get a little “punch drunk” first.  We start with the undercard, Nene vs. Cynthia – DING DING DING…Nene is still reeling from their prior discussion, Kenya keeps butting in trying to guide an apology that will never happen, Porsha and Kenya leave the ring.  WHOA…Cynthia offers an apology for blindsiding Nene and asks for an apology back, but no cigar.  Nene needs time to process all of this and suggests they have a re-match in two years.

We have another undercard tonight, Cynthia vs. Porsha – they bicker about Porsha being late.  Nene doesn’t give a shit, she wants to hear the sound of vodka being poured over the rocks.  Kenya and Nene return, looking like they did a shot or five at the bar.  Kenya starts yelling to Cynthia and interrupting, and Porsha calls her “rude as a motherf*cker!”  This one is a draw.

Porsha-Rude

On to the main event, Kenya vs. Porsha – the crowd chants to Porsha “APOLOGIZE… APOLOGIZE”, but no go.  All she does is acknowledge that she made a “choice”, just like one makes a “choice” to buy grasshopper cookies at the grocery store when they already have a case of thin mints at home in the freezer.  Kenya walks over, she gets Porsha against the ropes, we expect a TKO, but instead offers an unprecedented firm hug to the breadbasket!  She offers to take responsibility for her part of what happened.  Porsha doesn’t hear Kenya say “my part” and accepts the hug under the pretense that Kenya is taking responsibility for the entire brawl, scepter and all.  As if Porsha pulled no weave at all, and this is her “get out of jail free card”.  She takes NO responsibility whatsoever, proving that she is immature as a mother f*cker!

The owner of the tavern bops over because he sees Nene and Kenya are lit and wearing super short shorts.  He asks if the ladies are going to dance on the bar and Kenya, who is clearly lit up like a Christmas tree, kicks her lotioned leg in the air, “no ash tonight, Giirrrrll!”

NoAsh

Next week, Cynthia and Peter move on up to another dump, Nene gives Claudia the cold shoulder, and more Roger Bobb dating debacle.

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Side Bobb

We start this week with Kandi and her continued family drama.  This week, Aunt Nora is carrying her oversized purse everywhere she goes while hosting a cookout for her notorious granny gang.  Kandi and Mama continue to ice each other out over the fact that Mama’s man tore up Kandi’s old house.  There is a lot of ol’ lady bitchin’ in the kitchen, but the only thing that grabs my attention here is that Kandi has a cousin named “Weenie” who’s gettin’ all up in Kandi’s grill under the meat tent.  Kandi and Mama finally sit down in the living room and Kandi actually has to read back some damning texts to Mama in order to remind her of what she typed in her latest irrational stupor.  Realizing she is on full-blown blast, Mama reverts to her medicinal safe haven with her medicinal Wal-Mart wedgie murder shoe.  Mama is on somekindameds to prevent an aneurism.  Hence, Kandi backs off, they agree not to fight, and have a non-forced hug.  (More on forced hugs later…)

Cynthia is at the Bailey Agency for wayward, slow-walkin’ models when Demetria McKinney shows up.  She is apparently an old friend of Cynthia’s and she hopes they can drum up some profitable bidness.  Demetria has an upcoming music video release party and she needs models for the event.  Cynthia and Demetria lay the groundwork for the latest drama by discussing the status of Roger Bobb, who is Demetria’s manager and boyfriend of eight years.  Cynthia notes that she and Peter have know Roger for a decade and have never known him to have a significant other longer than a fortnight.  Demetria said they had to lay low because Tyler Perry wasn’t havin’ any romance on the set of “House of Payne.”  Cynthia mentions she will also invite her new BFF Kenya, to the video release party, but Demetria already seems to have an issue because of a photo that was taken long ago with Kenya and Roger.  It was splashed all over the blogs and rumored that Kenya and Roger were together.  Blogs?  Really, who is reading “the blogs”???

Later, Kenya is at her own photo shoot while Cynthia supervises.  Given her renewed passion for acting, Kenya figures new publicity photos are in order and Cynthia is full of pointers… “move your hand over a little bit, it’s too close to your coochie.”  Where was Cynthia’s advice when it came to Kenya’s clothing?  Kenya is wearing an iridescent bronze pleather onesie that looks like the remnants of a soiled couch from the Studio 54 dumpster.  Claudia is not looking much better, she shows up dressed like Captain Planet Bananas.  She fights her mortal enemies off with her slick banana peel cape, causing them to slip and plummet to their deaths!

Claudia-Banana

Kenya has a moment of delusion and compares the trio to the “Sex and the City” ladies, Cynthia being Charlotte, Kenya being Carrie, and Claudia being Samantha…if Kenya is akin to anything from “Sex and the City”, it would be aging socialite Bitsy von Muffling.  Claudia brings up this event that Roger Bobb invited her to and Kenya jumps all up in it saying “he’s a good catch!”  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it right away and informs them Roger is spoken for.  Kenya is stunned to learn of this because apparently Roger gets around.  They are all invited to Demetria’s event, but Cynthia warns that the old photo of Kenya and Roger may be a problem with Demetria.  Kenya simply cannot respond to every false rumor out there on “the blogs”, it would take her as much time to respond as it would for some girls to grow their edges back.”  SHADE ALERT:  “I’m not naming any names Nene, I’m not.”

Meanwhile, Nene doesn’t give a shit about her edges because she’s busy at HSN Headquarters, where she arrives with her personal beyotch husband, Gregg.  Nene and her gays size up the new Nene clothing collection to ensure proper styling.  If she has gay men on her staff, why the hell didn’t they slap her and rip off that burnt-up, fried, dyed, and on the side, irregular wig?  ICYMI:

Bye Wig

Nene has a prime spot on HSN, midnight to 4:00 a.m., when the shoppers are good-n-hammered with their credit cards strewn across their coffee tables.  She touts the same drapey, peekaboo shoulder shirt for an hour and a half.  She bitches about being tired every chance she gets, but peps up when she receives news that her hard work paid off, the tunic she just spent 90 minutes of her life hawking, has sold out!  BLOOP!

Phaedra drops by Kandi’s place to catch up, and Kandi reveals that her older cousin Melvin is in prison and his son has been living with her in the McMansion.  Little Melvin, as he is called, is conveniently in the kitchen when Phaedra arrives and readily available to give Phaedra advice on how to tell her children about Apollo’s imminent trip to the clink.  Melvin recommends that Phaedra be honest with little Ayden and Mr. President so that they won’t harbor resentments later in life when they learn the truth.  Melvin did not appreciate the lies, he eventually put two and two together and came up with five.  Phaedra appreciates his sage words, but still doesn’t want to cough up the truth.

Roger Bobb gets a visit from Kenya and her relationship wrecking ball booty.  The visit is veiled as a brazen business seeking opportunity, but she is really Bobbing for information on his non-Facebook-official relationship status.  Kenya gives her fake sales pitch, which goes something like “hey Roger Bobb, I know you are obligated by the Bravo Mob to pretend to know me, so give me my own show and make me famous because I’m just that fabulous and I really need to break away from all of this Bravo mandated bullshit, it’s really bringin’ me down.”  Roger commits to workshopping the idea, says her dreams will come true, and Kenya should get to work on her Emmy acceptance speech.  Then Kenya gets to the meat of her visit, the old photo of them and the swirling couple rumors out there on “the blogs!”  Those damn blogs!  Roger confirms Demetria is “my lady” and extends an invite to Kenya to Demetria’s video release party.

It’s the big night of Demetria’s party and she is not so much releasing a video as she is releasing her side-Bobb boob!  Cynthia and Peter arrive and Peter is dressed like a slack jawed yokel who is about to ride the tractor out into the field and harvest some grain.  We learn that Roger Bobb won’t be present due to a last minute work thang, which becomes immediate fodder for the girls to question the seriousness of their relationship.  Claudia asks Demetria if after seven years of dating, shouldn’t Roger Bobb be proposing?  Demetria responds by saying “he could propose with a Cheerio and I would say yes!”  Sounds like Demetira has a great outlook, set your expectations low so you won’t be disappointed.  Cheerio my ass!

Kenya is pissed that Roger Bobb isn’t there since he personally invited her.  It’s a waste of an outfit and a weave at this point, but not before Demetria can charge Kenya and get up in her grill.  Cynthia is in the corner, huddled up with Phaedra’s prayer cloth, asking Jesus to guide Kenya out of the scuttlebutt of darkness.  Demetria comes at Kenya a bit strong regarding the photo of Kenya and Roger Bobb, but Kenya handles it calmly (for now until we have to hear about this 27 more times) and tells Demetria in a rather back handed way, that she “likes money” and isn’t after Roger Bobb.  Demetria claims “she’s chill” and they are all good.  Now we know this can’t be the end of this subject and we know they are not “chill”, it’s just not in the Bravo formula for needless drama over fake problems.

Kenya-Demetria

The real drama at this party is the presence of Apollo.  Before Peter leaves to feed the goats and clean out the silo, he walks Apollo over to the ladies to say hello.  Phaedra gives her hubby a very fake and very forced hug and kiss hello, but ends up vomiting in her mouth.  Apollo forces Phaedra sit next to him and expects her to be “loving and cordial” and tells her that if she won’t play his game, he can flip the script on her real quick.  She is completely ignoring him and tells him he can talk to her at home, not in the middle of this social setting.  Apollo gives her a hug and Phaedra looks like she would rather be starring in a Tijuana donkey show than sitting next to her felon husband.

Apollo-Hug

Meanwhile, Demetria has been experiencing technical difficulties all night and her intern can’t get her DVD to play.  The party is a total bust and the gang is all wobbly from playing the “Roger Bobb Drinking Game” (they said “Roger Bobb” 19 times).  All of the ladies blow the pop-stand in unison as Cynthia mutters, “told you we should have done the party at Bar One!”

Next week, Nene concedes to filming with her cast mates and she invites Porsha, Kenya, and Cynthia out for a little “girl talk” and it looks like it goes in the shitter faster than a blink of a false eyelash.

I’m Not Scurred

Back to Einstein’s to settle this shit between Cynthia and Nene.  Nene takes a time out and Kandi, master of the obvious, says “that didn’t go well.”  Of course not, Nene Leakes will never back down, even if she ran over a puppy, she would claim innocence.  When Nene finally returns to the group, she is very emotional, although it could just be an allergic reaction to the eyelash glue.  Phaedra smartly suggests that the rest of the gang excuse themselves and let these two have a moment.  Really all she wanted to do is get the hell out of there and go find a chicken wang or two.  Nene and Cynthia have a more sane moment to talk alone and the crux of the issue is that Nene didn’t like being called out for the first time by Cynthia in front of the cast mates at the reunion.  Annnnd Cynthia didn’t appreciate Nene calling Peter “a bitch”, so they both have good reasons to be consuming large amounts of haterade, but these two just can’t quit each other.  They collectively decide to move forward and they hug it out.  Cynthia is busily drawing up a new friendship contract in her head, but Nene tells us in her one-on-one that she doesn’t fully trust Cynthia and won’t make the same mistake twice.

Nene-Crying

Derek J. hobbles in his overstuffed Manolo’s to see Phaedra because he was accused of stealing a client’s nice, expensive, genuine horse hair weave right off her head and replacing it with cheap, flammable, used, 99¢ store weave.  The client posted some crap on the internet and put him on blast and Phaedra is happy to take on her first real the “hair burglar” case.  Later she drops by the “J Spot”, Derek’s salon, so she can prep for court by visiting the “weave of the crime”.  Derek shows her that weave is removed, washed, and reapplied in the same room, therefore said weave never would have left the client’s sight.  Another open and shut victory for Ms. Parks!

Phaedra-HideWeave

Nene and Gregg have a toilet mug full o’ tea and discuss the recent Cynthia fallout.  Nene still feels blindsided by her, but Gregg urges her to move forward with her valued friendship, albeit cautiously.  Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia and her loving, calm, understanding, hubby, recap their own version of the situation in their kitchen.  Cynthia seems happy that she and Nene are back together, but Peter feels that her “process is crazy.”  Nene did a bunch of “foul things” and Cynthia doesn’t hold her accountable.  Peter was happy being Nene-free and the past six months have been paradise.  He and Cynthia have been bangin’ like cymbals in a marching band.  As.  If.  We.  Needed.  To.  Know.  That?  Peter warns his bride to “address this right, or you gonna look like a punk!”  Yea, a punk in Steve Urkel glasses!

Kandi visits Todd in New York City, but she is not diggin’ the whole walking around thing.  Todd takes her on the subway to the Bronx where they enjoy the smells of “pee and booty.”  He shows her around his old hood, his school that looks like a jail, and comments on a stairwell where he lost his virginity?  WTMI Todd!  Kandi seems to have little interest until he ushers her into a pizza place for her own slice of heaven.  Then Todd takes her to a shoe store to get her dressed as an “aroundthewaygirl” and they try on “construction Tims” and thug hats.  They put their greazy pizza fingers all over the merchandise and walk out with ugly shoes and gangsta hats.  No really, you blend!

Cynthia has arrived in NYC as well, to walk in a fashion show for her ol’ designer friend, Kithe Brewster.  He asks her to close the show, which is a big deal, “everythang”.  Kithe is aghast at the size of Cynthia’s Atlanta ass and he asks one of his younger models to show “grandma city” how models now walk much faster.  Cynthia’s insecurities are showing and she hides in a corner with a bag of taco flavored Doritos.

Kandi and Todd meet Cynthia and Peter for dinner, but Cynthia is trying on some anorexia due to the impending fashion show.  They discuss the Mama Drama and Peter and Cynthia can relate.  Kandi still thinks they need to “move on”, but Todd feels that is Kandi’s technique of sweeping it under the rug.  After much bickering, Kandi plays the age card and thinks Mama should get a pass because she’s old and says crazy shit as a result.

Cynthia has a successful 50 foot walking endeavor and thank the Lawd that the double sided fashion tape stayed put!  Peter and Cynthia’s ex, Leon, were present to have a “Yeah, I tapped that” brother bonding moment of disgustingness and Kandi and Todd briefly congratulated Cynthia backstage before scooting off to meet Todd’s mother, Sharon.

Cynthia-Modeling

Sharon is at Sammy’s Fish Box, where she is already in two oversized margaritas deep.  Sharon starts in right away about Mama Joyce.  “Yo mama make me get a case!  She called me a prostitute, I ain’t never been no prostitute, check my résumé.”  Oh yaaaaasssss Sharon!  That phrase will be the new “check my charges”.  As if anyone would put “prostitute” on a résumé?  Kandi claims she can’t keep up with her Mama’s shit talkin’ and it turns ugly, and Kandi’s lips turn a hideous shade of “I’m about to throat punch you purple”.

Kandi-Purple lips

Todd demands that this be confronted.  Sharon wants an apology and she is madder than a wet hen, and way over salting her food.  Sharon is the only one on this show who can get away with muttering “I lost my appetite” as she shovels food in her mouth.  Kandi informs her that Mama Joyce will not apologize and Sharon’s solution is to punch Mama in the mouth and when she does, she will have back up to handle the “ol’ lady gang” that Mama carts around.  Sharon “ain’t scurred” and the problem is Mama Joyce ain’t either.  Sharon says Mama Joyce can expect something in the mail and she will “sue the bitch!”  On a side note, may Mama Sharon rest in peace!  She brought a new feistiness to this show.

Next week, a potential Kenya weave pull situation over another pretend man and Apollo is pawing a very uncomfortable Phaedra in public.

Stale Quackers 

Kenya visits her BFF, Claudia, who has just moved into a sexy corner apartment with a great view of the ATL.  Claudia’s furniture has not arrived yet and Kenya is forced to sit on an IKEA grade rug and drink Cardboardeaux out of reality show required red solo cups.  Claudia knows Kenya has swilled some Mad Dog 20/20, kiwi flavor, out of a brown paper bag, so what’s up with the act!  Claudia has a cat and Kenya freaks because she is completely canine.  They make a few obligatory “pussy” jokes before Claudia makes Kenya help her assemble furniture.  They discuss the “liar and a whore” accusations that have been hurled at Kenya for the past two years and Claudia offers us this gem, “you’re not a liar and you’re not a whore.  You’re a little cray cray, occasionally ashy, but not a whore.”  Twirl on ‘dat!  Claudia decides that two beauty queens cannot put together “this raggedy ass furniture” so they go out into the hall to find a handy single man.  So far, I do like Claudia and she brings some good one liners to the table.

Claudia CatLater, Claudia and Kenya continue to bond over the shapes of their assess.  While at the gym, Claudia pulls a “coochie muscle” on the inner thigh machine and they call it a work out.  They sit down to stretch because that’s when all good heart-to-heart moments happen.  Claudia discusses the racism she faced growing up and her mom is due in ATL for a visit, but their relationship is quite strained.  She and her mother don’t exchange “I love yous” and Claudia is actually very close with her grandmother on her paternal side.  Of course all roads lead back to Kenya and now that Claudia has shared this, she feels they have bonded for life, given her own maternal misfortune.

Workout Buddies

Kandi and Todd visit the wreckage that is Kandi’s old house where Mama Joyce was squatting.  Apparently Mama Joyce’s boyfriend was going to do renovations, but then she decided not to move in since the house wasn’t in her name.  The house is tore up from the floor up and Kandi is pissed.  She assesses there is at least $10K or more of damage and it’s a month out from being in rental shape.  Todd takes a moment to ask Kandi when she will draw the line with the holy terror that is Mama Joyce.  All this time, Todd was the “no good boyfriend”, as if Mama Joyce had herself a real keeper?  Kandi won’t throw Mama from the train just yet, but Todd has a valid point.  Kandi never presents Mama with any negative consequences and now she has a house that looks like it’s been trashed by unsavory raving teenagers.  Meanwhile, Mama comfortably lands her ass in the nice new house that Kandi paid for.

Kandi-Trashed House

Across town, Cynthia, her mother, and good for nuthin’ troublemaker sister are hanging out and cooking dinner.  Cynthia uses her family time to vent about the Nene mess, the mean tweets, and defaming interviews where Nene is bad mouthing her.  Cynthia admits that she let Nene’s bad behavior go on way too long.  Look out everybody, Cynthia is gearing up for a beat-down.

In other bitching while eating news, Phaedra and Kandi get together for some guacamole and Kandi tells Phaedra about the discussion with Kenya and the “lying about lying-gate” but Phaedra doesn’t give a shit.  She maintains that Kenya dug her own hole by exhibiting inappropriate, whore-like behavior.  Kandi has a genius idea, let’s get all the girls together for dinner and do the patented Bravo dance move, the “deny, deny, deny, half-ass apologize, move forward”.  Phaedra says she will attend the shit show, but expects it will be another night at the “circus with the monkeys.”

Nene and Gregg are teaching their son, Brentt, how to drive.  Why do all the men in Nene’s life have two consonants at the end of their names?  Gregg dresses for combat while Nene discusses the upcoming “squash the beef dinner”.  Allow Ms. Leakes to be clear, she has no intention to apologize to anyone, anywhere, at any time.

The group dinner from hell is being held at a place called “Einstein’s”.  I guess it’s a restaurant for people with “brainy” ideas, such as getting a group of women who want to rip out each other’s intestines and use them as their own personal jump ropes.  Phaedra and Kandi are first to arrive and they conduct a quick “Jesus take the wheel, save us from the whores” prayer.  Cynthia arrives, “serving sexy” because she has to look damn good when she punches Nene in the throat with an open fist.  Kenya shows up next with her boobs popping out of her dress, playing into her Moore-Whore persona.  Porsha and her bangs are invited to this dinner, but for someone who is not a peach-holding cast member, she sure is getting a lot of air time.  Nene walks in wearing all the attitude the ATL had in stock.  Kandi kicks off the peace summit and hands the talking stick to Kenya.  She addresses the Apollo-text-gate lying about lying-gate.  Nene absolves herself immediately from any wrong doing, but Phaedra proudly owns up to her statements, “I’ll say loud and clear I called you a whore and I called you a slut because if it look like a duck, quack like a duck, it’s yella, and it swim in a pool, IT’S A DUCK!”  Kenya says she forgives Phaedra and Kandi notes that Apollo has cleared Kenya’s name and they shouldn’t be breathing life into this fiasco.  Nene, that f*cking shit stirrer, asks Kandi if she supports Apollo or Phaedra.  Kandi remains calm, despite Nene trying to bait her, then Phaedra pipes up and offers to clear the slate, but do not be mistaken…it is not even a resemblance of a half-assed apology.  They all agree to move forward and it’s about time.  This story line is about as stale as the broke down saltines the waiter is serving.  Round two is next with Nene vs. Cynthia… Nene’s opening move is to plead ignorance of any falling out, but Cynthia points out that they both know what it is that caused the rift.  Cynthia addresses the ill-fated charity event where Nene behaved like an asshole and then started in on Peter, and eventually called him a bitch at a subsequent social gathering from hell.  Cynthia can’t even get a word in and Nene gives her a “Girl, BYE!”  Cynthia must have overlooked the “every argument shall be one-sided” addendum to the friend contract.  Nene is sweating like a farm animal and she raises white napkins to her face.

Nene Napkins

This may be her version of a white flag, she has officially given up on the friendship.  Somewhere in the ATL, Cynthia’s lawyer is drafting an iron-clad friend contract 2.0 so she can get Kenya locked down.  Next week Cynthia and Nene get some one on one time to cry off their false eyelashes, but I don’t expect a reconciliation.  And in a much more interesting story line, Derek J. is accused of being a “hair burglar” and he seeks the counsel of Ms. Phaedra Parks.

Oh What a Tangled Weave…

Everyone is on sugar and oversized furniture overload at the Kandi Factory, it seems the staff is dropping the ball on Kandi’s projects and Todd ain’t happy about it.  Kandi has a pow-wow with her team about working cohesively to make her brand bigger.  Don Juan cannot hide his disdain, for he knows this is coming from Todd, the miniature spouse that could.  Don definitely feels “somekindaway” about Todd, “I definitely think we should take a look at Kandi Burruss prior to Todd.  We have stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold plus a Grammy.  Annnnd Todd Tucker’s resume reads what? I’ll wait on it…”

Kandi-Meeting

After the reprimand, Don plops down in the hot pink office chair in front of Kandi to voice his opinion about Todd’s meddling.  He doesn’t get too far with her, citing examples of how he has sacrificed his personal life for her and she basically tells him he is “ride or die”, so pick up your nut sack and get out of my hot pink pleather chair!  Later, Todd and Don get into it, Todd spouts off some delusional idea about how Kandi should be collaborating with Obama, but “at the end of the day” they just want Team Kandi to be better and Don Juan has to manage and lead in a way that allows him time for his own personal life.  They fist bump it out, but of course, this doesn’t go down without a final read from Don about Todd needing a step stool so they can talk eye to eye.

DonJuan

Meanwhile, across town, Claudia Jordan tries to make nice with Porsha Stewart since they rub elbows at work, but Porsha snubs her peachy replacement.  Claudia suspects the snub is Kenya-related, but I think Porsha is still reeling from her “Peach REVOKED” status.  Porsha should just be gracious and be glad someone in ATL who isn’t Kordell Stewart is writing her a check.

Cynthia pops over to a boutique in her royal blue cloak and matching royal blue umbrella and Kenya meets her in torn jeans and a floppy hat.  Claudia will be coming along later and Cynthia is hyped, “she seems really cool.”  Yeah, until she pisses you off.  Claudia arrives and they start trying on footwear, but Claudia declines because she has self-described “struggle toes”.  Kenya asks if they resemble the “Boomerang toes”, but Claudia says she wishes they were that nice.  ICYMI:

BoomerangToes

Cynthia brings up her issues with Porsha and the “We Hate Porsha Williams” club is now fully formed.  Claudia quickly obtains platinum member status with her work-snub tale.  Kenya encourages Claudia to have a sit down with Porsha, but warns her that Porsha is dumber than Handerpants.

Handerpants

The other half of the faction, known as “The Kenya Moore Hate-Club”, hits the spa.  I hope Phaedra plans to get a polish change, her nails are creepy long and neon yellow.  Although, she no longer looks like a busted can o’ biscuits, the “Prison Stress Diet” is working to her favor.  The gang discusses the Porsha/Cynthia caucus and Porsha claims Cynthia (“Mini-Nene with a long face”) did the “robot read” and recited things from a list Peter created.  Because as we know, Peter Thomas is the diabolical puppet master of the ATL.  Nene chimes in and says that she was blindsided by Cynthia at the reunion and will never be friends with her again, but wishes her the best and has “no hate for her and her afro.”  The convo turns to Apollo-gate and Nene doesn’t believe that he lied at all and he only lied about lying just to sting Phaedra.  As her latest minion, Porsha backs up Nene on the new conspiracy theme.

Apollo and Peter get together at Bar One for a drink and Apollo trash-talks Phaedra by revealing that she used to booty call him when he was living in the projects, wearing an ankle monitor, and sleeping on an air mattress.  Peter clarifies, “She used to come see you when you was on the air mattress, Dawg?”  “Yes, on the AIR MATTRESS!”  Ergo…since she was hotter than a half-f*cked fox in a forest fire over him, despite him being down and out, living on an AIR MATRESS of all things, she should still be his ace boon coon today.  Somewhere, Phaedra Parks is mortified and fashioning a shiv out of his old ankle monitor casing.  Apollo further explains that Kenya made him look bad by revealing the texts that he did send her, so he decided to flip the script on her because he hadn’t yet perfected his backpedal shuffle.  Get a clue asshole, you make yourself look bad all on your own.  Peter says he spoke to Kenya about the lies and she “seemed cool”.  Apollo has the audacity to flash a grin…“do you think she’ll come visit me?”  Yeah ass hat, she can’t wait to hide crank in her coochie crack and smuggle it into prison for you, so you can trade it for commissary…As if

We are treated to a brief interstitial of Ayden picking out a puppy.  I cannot even believe this sweet, precious boy was spawned from immoral, pump-n-dump Apollo sperm.  Did your heart just melt when he was training the dog?  “Stay in control”, “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog!”, “I know all about dogs!”  I think he should get his own show!  If anything, he is living proof that Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo was not a total loss.

Ayden-Dog

Claudia and Porsha meet up for lunch and Porsha gives her the courtesy of being on time.  Claudia cuts right to the chase and tells Porsha she felt the work-snub was shady and she don’t want no trouble.  Porsha claims it’s nothing personal, but Claudia throws out the Kenya card and suggests that Porsha and Kenya work it out.  Porsha’s head spins around a few times and she says something about her “intellectual mind frame”, as if it’s something she picked up at Pottery Barn, and then concludes by telling Claudia to mind her bidness when it comes to the rift with Kenya.  Next, Stonewall Jackson artfully changes the subject by applying some Tom Ford lotion and asks Claudia to smell her hands.

Kandi and Kenya get together for a kick-you-while-you’re-down boxing work out.  While they are stretching, Kandi admits that she didn’t believe Kenya’s denials about text-gate and offers her an apology, which Kenya appreciates.  Of course, Kandi the shit-stirrer in training, can’t leave well enough alone.  Kandi fills her in on the conspiracy spa-day of horrors and tells Kenya that the main gang thinks Apollo lied about lying.  Kenya loses her shiz, storms off, and shoves the cameras out of her face for heightened drama.  We can still hear the audio as Kenya sobs about this rumor and Kandi presumably hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Kenya-Bathroom

Next week it looks like we will be treated to the Bravo mandated group dinner from hell where enemies collide.

(Photo Credits:  Bravo.com and StraightfromtheA.com)