History Lessons

All aboard the party bus to hell where Miss Nene tries to squash the bickering over being tardy for the party.  Phaedra has to pump her “chocolate milk” out of her breasteses, which boggles Kenya and embarrasses Porsha.  As the shrews jabber away about pleasing their men and how often they do it, Kandi puts two and two together and comes up with five.  Mynique is married to Chuck Smith, who Kandi used to date way way back in tha day day!  Porsha and Mynique get into a debate about a woman’s role in marriage and Porsha breaks down, realizing even more so that her marriage was a dysfunctional mess.

Cynthia changes the subject and asks Nene where they are staying, it’s called “The Wedding Cake Mansion” and when they arrive at 9:00 p.m., the owner Tammy Jo greets them wearing a shirt on that looks like it needs a mood stabilizer. 

TammyJo

Kandi is interested in haunted houses and Tammy Jo tells them the mans has some ghosts, all nice ones of course.  Kandi turns into a ghost and disappears upstairs, moving faster than we have ever seen her move before.  This isn’t her first barbecue and she claims the master suite, which sets off master suite-gate.  Kenya riles Nene up about how the master suite should go to the host of the trip, but Nene is trying keep a lid on her alter ego, hood-rat self, NayNay. 

Nene-offended

Nene gathers everyone in the kitchen to lay down some ground rules about being on time and she briefly scoffs about the master suite.  Phaedra floats in late and Mynique informs her that she needs to hear the rules more than anyone. 

Phaedra-Mynique

Mynique is trying way too hard to fit in.  Realizing that Phaedra will have none of her bullshit, Mynique says she “heard through the grapevine” that Phaedra is always late.  Phaedra sets her straight, “honey I have a newborn, and I have jobs”…homey don’t play that game.

Homey

Kandi and Phaedra ditch the wedding cake mans to go for a walk and discuss how the other ladies are always late, if they even show up for their events.  Before they can realize that two wrongs don’t make a right, they are quickly distracted by a tricked out Hertz giving a tour.  They flag the car down and, of course, the driver “Peg Leg Ron” stops for some free publicity.

Hertz

Meanwhile, back at the mans, the rest of the gang retreats to Nene’s room to call Phaedra “salty” and Kenya tells Mynique she “got read”.  Mynique looks confused and deranged, as if she is about to pop a sprocket, “I don’t feel read, I don’t feel read!”

The next day, Mynique visits Cynthia in her room to ask for help with eye makeup.  Cynthia spearheads the opportunity to give Mynique a lesson on looking good while getting read.  Cynthia shares her experience, she used to be nice and normal, but she had to adapt to run with these shrews.  Cynthia tells her how to spot and prepare for “tea” and “shade”, and Mynique says that since she is bi-racial, she says “side eye.”  Now that the bi-racial card has been placed on the table, how long before it becomes a source of contention with the group?

The plan for the day is to visit the first African American church.  Mynique teases Phaedra for being ready before her and tries to give her a high five and gets left hangin’.  Mynique is employing some interesting techniques throughout the episode, she kissed up to Cynthia and now she sucks up to Phaedra (pun intended) by remembers to bring her breast pump bag.

The First African Baptist Church was part of the Underground Railroad, it’s impressive and has some interesting history, which is wasted on this group.  The tour guide shows the ladies the area in the floor where the air holes were located so that the people in the Underground Railroad could catch air.  Porsha, proving that the wheel is a turnin’, but the hamster is dead, delivers some canned speech about civil rights and educating our youth, and then proceeds to ask where the opening is for the train because someone had to be…ahem…Driving.  The.  Train.  I’ll give you a moment to re-hinge your jaw.

You can see the smoke coming out of Phaedra’s ears as the gears in her head grind to a screeching halt.  Then she must call upon her inner strength to muster up every shred of patience and tolerance she can scrape out of the depths of her cold, black heart in order to explain to Porsha that it was not an actual train, but a euphemism for people who are connected together working their way toward freedom.  Little does she realize, Porsha thinks that a “euphemism” is what happened in her brain when she fainted a few weeks ago.  Kenya says in her confessional, “it’s hurtful to watch her be so dumb”, while Cynthia comments that Porsha’s Grandfather, civil rights activist Hosea Williams, must have rolled over in his grave multiple times.

Cynthia-Train

The ladies continue touring the city and Mynique, Phaedra’s personal breast monitor, points out that Phaedra is engorged.  They decide to take a break so Phaedra can pump and the others can end this misery and start getting their drink on.  Mynique decides to spark the convo up a bit and she mentions that Mama Joyce fawned over her hubby, Chuck Smith, at Nene’s wedding.  Mynique says she heard that Kandi and Chuck dated many moons ago for about two weeks, but Kandi sets it straight.  They dated when Kandi was 19 and again when she was 21.  Mynique didn’t hear that they dated twice and the shrews go into attack mode, implying that Chuck isn’t giving his wife the whole story.  Mynique tries to change the direction of this hot mess express and she discounts the Kandi dating time by saying it must not have been that great since Chuck broke it off.  Kandi is annoyed that she has to tear herself away from playing Candy Crush on her iPhone and corrects Mynique, “I broke up with him!”  To deflect the laser death stare, Kandi notes that she wasn’t the only one who took ol’ Chuck for a spin.  Phaedra also dated him and Kenya begins to salivate like a scurvy dog.

Kenya stirs the pot further by pointing out the awkwardness of Mynique trying to establish acquaintances with women who have been all up in her hubbys junk.  Kandi and Phaedra know all of his juicy details, how he likes his steaks cooked, how his neck is ticklish, and how he likes to be spanked while being called “Joyce”…but we digress.  Cynthia decides she needs closure on Kandi’s case and Kandi adds that Mama Joyce loved Chuck, he even bought her a Louis Vuitton bag, and Chuck paid Kandi’s credit card bills.  Oh no, there will be no scrubs in Kandi’s world.  Kenya presses for more details, but Kandi smartly pleads the fifth.  Phaedra returns from pumping only to be pumped further for the scoop on her time with Chuck.  She explains they dated when they were in 8th grade, one time at band camp, again in college, and again when he was playing for the Falcons.  Kenya can’t resist sticking it to Phaedra and says that Chuck denied involvement with Phaedra.  Phaedra, ever the professional, minimizes her discussion of Chuck, wants to be respectful of Mynique’s marriage, and pretty much steps out of the debate.  Annnnd this is where Phaedra demonstrates her street smarts, knowing husbands are under attack and given the fact that she married her prison pen-pal, she shuts her trap.  Porsha has not yet taken the training wheels off of her skankmobile and she starts sassing Mynique, saying she should get the facts from her husband, because he clearly isn’t telling her everything!  To that, Mynique takes a low jab at Porsha’s disintegrating marriage, “no honey, you’re sh!ts in trouble, not mine!”  The situation reaches threat level Defcon 3, index fingers are waving, the tracks in their weaves have deployed into lockdown mode, and they are calling each other “boo” [shout out to She by Shereé!] 

Defcon3

They are about to go full blown HAM on each other’s asses, but Nene plays peace maker and defends the housewife in training, explaining that Mynique is feeing ganged up on and after all, the former slutty lives of our husbands are a sensitive subject.  Porsha finds her way out of the underground railroad to find the high road, and offer an immediate apology for offending Mynique.

Next week it looks like Cynthia is feeling “read” and she cries off her eyelashes.

I’m Just Waiting on a Bitch

Wow, we have an action packed week here, two shorties, two big heads, and four late bitches.  All before we can even get the wheels on the bus a-turnin’…

It’s the big producer mandated road trip this season and all the ladies must pack their Technicolor dreamcoats and their best Louboutin’s.  Gregg is playing dress up in Nene’s closet in an attempt to distract her, but she is laser focused.  She gives Gregg some house rules to be enforced while she parties her ass off in Savannah.  Gregg must have his dinner, have his teeth brushed, and homework done by 8 p.m.  I sure hope to shit she stops somewhere to get her hair did, it looks like an O-Cell-O mop.

Gregg-Closet

Meanwhile, Kandi drops by for a therapy sesh with Cynthia, since she has firsthand experience on what to do when your family hates your fiancée and wants to run him over like a scurvy dog.  Kandi describes the scene that went down at the last chance bridal salon and she says the OLG (Old Lady Gang) committed assault with a deadly wedgie.  Cynthia knew Mama Joyce could get krunk, but this shit is straight up cray cray.  Kandi tells her about the accusations Mama is making about Carmon and Todd, Cynthia is floored.  At this point, Kandi starts to come unglued, which is long overdue.  She can’t laugh this off anymore.  Kandi isn’t sure how she can even have a wedding with all the potential family drama.  Cynthia makes herself valuable this week by delivering a good point, the problem will still be there whether they have a big, over the top, break the bank, wedding or whether they elope.  Cynthia explains that her family drama broke Peter’s trust in her and Kandi should heed the warning, she may lose Todd if she doesn’t take her own shoe off and deliver a full throttle body check to Mama, right quick.

Kandi-Sad

Mama Joyce continues her Total Todd Destruction Tour and she arrives for her producer mandated “appointment” at the law office of Ms. Phaedra & Ayden Parks.  Mama she says hello to Ayden, but he wants no part of her.  Phaedra whispers to Ayden “you’ve got to speak to Mama Joyce if you want a treat”, to which Ayden whispers back “I don’t want a treat!”  This.  Is.  F*cking.  Priceless.  Phaedra is befuddled as to what has come over Ayden, he is acting scared of Mama Joyce.  Then again, Phaedra admits sometimes she is scared of Mama too, “cuz Mama Joyce is off da’ chain!” 

Ayden-treat

Mama Joyce claims she is seeking legal advice about a pre-nup, and what if Kandi drops dead, and something about a clause stating “in the manner in which we have become accustomed.”  Phaedra assures Mama Joyce that Kandi has a will, and the will would overrule a pre-nup in the state of Georgia.  Mama Joyce deftly reveals that she isn’t here for the treats and legal mumbo jumbo, and she cuts to the chase, “why in the hell did you introduce them, with all these lawyers, and everyone that you know, you’re gonna introduce her to one of the workers!?!?”  She goes on to squawk… “He’s little, he’s short, he’s got a big head!”  AND EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU DON’T INTRODUCE TWO SHORTIES WITH BIG HEADS!  She continues to go for the jugular, “You didn’t go after no short man with a big head!”  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  Even Phaedra is speechless.  Mama Joyce throws down the opportunist card…Where there’s smoke, there’s fire…and she’s gettin’ a lot of smoke.  Yeah, up your ASS!  Phaedra thinks Todd is the one for Kandi and Mama Joyce tells her she could leap over the desk and choke her right now.  That’s it, Mama Joyce needs her own show, we’ll call it “Smokin’ Bath Salts in a Van Down By the River.”

Kenya is packing her bags and Brandon advises her to bring flip flops and a potato sack, this coming from a man wearing a V so deep you can see his mangina.  Kenya starts signing and twerkin’ again.  What in the fresh hell?  She packs up this obscene looking thong and Brandon asks her what happened with the Apollo sitch, Kenya says she and Phaedra allegedly cleared the air, but she is still not trusting of her and her baby weight.  In fact, so not trusting that she decides she needs to pack some heat.  She whips out her firearm and Brandon scurries away like frightened church vermin.

Brandon

Ah, the insufferable Porsha and her assister Lauren…they must shop for shoes for the trip to Savannah.  The sales lady shows Porsha a $7,000 pair of heels that are going to give her a “shoegasm.”  Porsha tries them on as she is phoning in a favor to get a second mortgage on her mother’s house in order to pay for them.  Porsha also hired a stylist, and he arrives to save the day and calls the sandals “impractical.”  Impractical…asinine.  Tomato…tom-ah-to.  The sales lady brings it down a notch and shows her a much more reasonably priced $3,500 pair of boots.  No biggie, Porsha can shave her mother’s head while she sleeps and sell the hair to the local wig maker.  Cha-ching!

Mama Joyce shows up at the Kandi Factory so Kandi can slap the ever lovin’ shit out of her.  Kandi starts mildly and couches her rage by saying there has been a lot of “negativity” about her relationship with little teeny, tiny, big head Todd.  Mama Joyce thinks Kandi is taking sides, which is obnoxious, because Kandi has done nothing but defend Mama Joyce!  Mama keeps going like a rabid dog, claims the OLG was only “joking” with Carmon.  Yes, I was only joking when I enlisted my 68 and 73 year old sisters to go all HAM on your BFF’s ASS in the middle of a bridal salon, oh and threatening to bludgeon her with my shoe?  Those ol’ things, those wedgies are so last season!  In what effed up sadistic world is Mama livin’ in?  Kandi sticks up for her friend Carmon of 25 years and pulls this juicy little big headed nugget out of her back pocket, Mama Joyce was married three times by the time she was Kandi’s age, and her mother didn’t interfere.  Well played, Kandi, well played.  Eventually they conclude that Big Head Todd and the Monster are going to have to find a way to co-exist.  Mama adopts an attitude that she will wash her hands of Kandi’s relationship and whatever happens, happens.  Yes, Kandi will marry him and cut you out of her will.

Nene and Mynique are setting up a light brunch at Nene’s HOA clubhouse and Gregg has decided to bring them a goodie basket as a Savannah send off.  As the other ladies arrive, Gregg is greeting each woman with a rose and he is helping with the luggage.  Poor bastard doesn’t realize he will be standing out in the sweltering Atlanta heat in a three piece seersucker suit for three hours.  Kenya is the first to arrive and she is looking forward to putting her ashy feet up and relaxing.  The ladies were supposed to meet at 11 a.m., but it’s now 11:25 a.m. and no one else is there except Nene, Mynique, and Kenya.  Nene is trying to keep the peace and not snap off like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Cynthia rolls in, fashionably late at 12 p.m.  Porsha steps in at 12:45 p.m., and Nene starts to come unhinged and she scolds Porsha.  Kandi finally arrives at 1:45 p.m. and now Nene is ready to rumble.  Kandi confesses that she stopped to eat and traffic was bad.  Kenya can’t let that go and says “we all know that girl can afford to miss a meal or two, or three, or four, or five.”  Whoo, burn bitch!  Nene is outta here, she is hoofin’ it to the van and she is getting’ the hell outta dodge.  Kenya is not letting it go, she is up in Kandi’s grill, then Phaedra shows up at 2 p.m.  Phaedra senses the discontent right away and says that “everyone looks like they had an enema.”  I think Kenya needs one because her thong is wedged up her butt implant.  Kenya herds the late little lambs and puts them on the black bus of torture.  We learn that Nene took a break and prayed to God that she wouldn’t kill these bitches.  Poor Mynique, while jockeying for a position on the show, she has no clue what she has gotten herself into.  Kenya decides she is the principal of the bus trip and gives a speech about everyone being late, even though she herself was late, and bitches everyone out. 

Kenya-yelling

Kenya decides that the selection of the best rooms at their destination should be given to the women who arrived first.  Kandi, regretting that pit stop at Chic-Fil-A, realizes that she and Phaedra will be sleeping in the cargo area of the party bus to hell and she straight up loses her shiz.  “Nobody gives a f*ck about what you sayin’, so sit yo’ ass down!”  Damn, they are off and runnin’ at each other and the hot mess express to hell hasn’t even left the clubhouse.

Nene-Hair

Next week, looks like they make it to Savannah, but they can’t keep their claws in their pockets.

If the Shoe Fits…

Kandi reports to her bestie/assistant Carmon, that Mama Joyce is open minded to having better communication, therefore she is ready to start trying on wedding dresses.  Mama eked out an apology for bashing on Kandi’s ring, but Carmon is not convinced.  They wander over to the photo wall that has so grossly offended Mama Joyce, and Todd sums it up, tell Mama to mind her bidness.

Nene goes to visit her friend Mynique and her retired NFL player husband, Chuck.  The gang sits down to have adult beverages and talk about how happy Gregg is now that he gets to live upstairs.  This week, it’s Nene swimming in the shit pot and she brings up the fact that Chuck used to tool around with Kandi and/or Phaedra.  Chuck calls Kandi a “One Hit Wonder” and he claims he “never had sexual intercourse with Phaedra Parks.”  Interesting declaration of innocence, I sense foreshadowing here since we need some scandalous story line to kick up in here!

Speaking of our Southern belle, Phaedra has returned home and she is now eligible to embalm in Alabama!  Praise the Lord and pass the formaldehyde.  Apollo walks in with his back pack, again, because he can’t go anywhere without his fruit roll ups and crayons.  Apollo attempts to apologize for the Kenya/sexting inappropriateness, but Phaedra does not appreciate his approach because all he is apologizing for is upsetting Phaedra.  He feels she has a case of selective hearing and overall it does not go well.  Phaedra is willing to take the high road and accept his half-assed apology and she assures him once school is over, she will have more time to devote to him.  Thinking he’s out of the dog house, Apollo asks Phaedra if she will “bend over in the bathroom”, you know…the “way you used to do?”  Too soon, bro, too soon!

Kandi is hosting a Cardio Cabaret event at the Kandi Factory so the gang can all have a much needed workout sesh.  Cynthia shows up wearing something from the Mrs. Roper New Year’s Eve collection.  Nene informs the group that Porsha won’t join them, for she fainted and fell down a flight of stairs.  Nene calls Lauren to get the Porsha update and she is doing okay, just resting in her mother’s master suite, eating bon bons, and watching Netflix.

Now that the producer mandated Porsha wellness check phone call is over, Nene invites the gang on a producer mandated girls trip to Savannah.  You know, so they can bond…Kenya is appalled that Nene is even suggesting a road trip after the Las Vegas broke down bus debacle.  They get into the studio to start the dance lesson/workout.  Phaedra has her post baby body sucked into her spandex like stuffed sausage, which Kenya cannot let go without comment.

Cabaret

Cynthia’s daughter Noelle is out with her dad, Leon.  Leon broaches the “boyfriend” talk and he asks Noelle, “what’s daddy’s job in life?”, to which she responds “to raise me the right way.”  NO, NO, NO, your JOB, LEON, is to KEEP YO’ BABY OFF DA’ POLE!  Cynthia and Leon debate on whether or not Arthur’s status is “full on” or not.  He is a 13 year old boy, of course he is FULL ON.  Leon insists that it’s his role to wear skinny jeans and to educate his daughter on the hazards of dating and he wants Cynthia and Peter to take a back seat.

Porsha is wandering around aimlessly at the Tuxedo Pharmacy looking for some headache relief.  Her doctor says the reason she fainted is due to lack of blood supply to her brain…tell us something we don’t know Dr. Obvious.  Porsha and Lauren decide to take a seat in said pharmacy, in two strategically placed banquet chairs right in front of the incontinence supplies.  Right on time, Nene calls to check in and invite Porsha on the girls trip to Savannah.  Porsha is “down” for the trip and is so glad the group is supportive through this “death, wedding, funeral” time.  Wha?  Porsha decides to use the blood pressure testing machine and she finds out she has stage 1 hypertension, which she blames on Kordell.  I blame it on that rare, no blood to the brain, diseasy thingy she has.

Porsha-BP

Kenya and her aunt Lori meet for a chat to discuss Kenya’s love life, or lack thereof.  Kenya vows not to rush into a marriage, lesson learned with Walter the fake towing boyfriend.  Lori tells her if she wants a child, she should go for it now and forgo the man because Kenya tends to go for men who are non-existent not available to her.  Kenya gives a good cry and Kenya’s priority right now should really be to fire her makeup artist.

Kenya-face

Kandi heads to Brides by Jerry Springer to try on wedding dresses.  Carmon and another friend of Kandi’s, Kwame, gossip about the Mama Joyce drama while Kandi is in the fitting room.  Finally, the moment we have been waiting for this entire hour, Mama Joyce arrives with reinforcements.  Kandi’s aunts, Bertha and Nora, and these three bitches are ready to scrap!  Mama Joyce starts going HAM immediately, saying that she will only be happy about the wedding if Kandi finds someone else to marry.  Then Mama loses her shiz and lunges at Carmon.  When Kandi comes out of the dressing room, Aunt Nora gets out her gasoline and matches and tells Kandi that Carmon jumped up and tried to start something.  Kwame tries to turn the attention back to the wedding dress that Kandi just spent a half hour getting squeezed and stapled into, but nobody gives a shit.  Kandi goes back to the fitting room and no sooner is her back turned, when Mama Joyce jumps up with her wedgie shoe in hand, and lunges at Carmon again saying “I will f*ck her up”, clearly demonstrating that she is planet bananas.  Kandi comes back in her day clothes and says she is leaving, she has no interest in trying on dresses.  Carmon says Mama is “actin’ a fool” and Mama whips off her shoe again.  I can’t tell if her intention is to beat Carmon with the shoe or if it is an attempt to gain agility.  Mama is wielding about like an undomesticated cat in pillowcase and it takes Kandi and Kwame to restrain her.  Kandi asks Carmon to leave so they can calm Mama down.  Mama insists her issue is that the dress shopping is “a family thang”, but yet she has no issue with Kwame being there.  Mama is rattling off all sorts of cray cray, saying that Carmon is an opportunist after Kandi and her “leftover hair”.  Oy, a collective OY!

Mama-fight

Kandi is talked into trying on another dress and of course she rolls over and does it.  When she comes out in dress #2, the two Aunts exclaim “I don’t want you to marry!”  Kandi is perplexed and walks to the front of the shop to check on Carmon.  Carmon tells Kandi she is sick of Mama Joyce spewing venom on her every chance she gets, and this wretched scene…threatening her with a worn out wedgie?  Carmon tells Kandi she is “always riding the fence”, it’s decision time.  Does Kandi want Mama Joyce trying to run her life while wielding her wedge in hand or does she want her lifelong friends, Todd, and marriage?

Ain’t No Mama Crazy Enough

We kick off this week at the Cynthia Bailey Fashion Warehouse, where anemic, dead in the eyes, young adults come to roam.  Apollo stops by the studio, not to model, but to seek marital advice from Peter.  Uh really, this is what we’re doing now?  Apparently these two have a full on bromance going and li’l Apollo can’t handle the silent treatment that Phaedra is giving.  They go out to the parking lot to lean on their white cars, lookin’ like a pair of douchenozzles, and they talk the straight dope.  Peter tells him “on the real” that if his wife dislikes Kenya, he should jump on the dislike bandwagon without haste.  He should have told Phaedra, “The only person I want on my d*ck is you!”  Ahh…romance.  Peter points out that “homegirl [Kenya] was wrong”, she was trying to embarrass Phaedra via Apollo.  He recommends Apollo spend some money on Phaedra and placate her with gifts, because nothing says I’m an insufferable jackwagon like a d*ck in a box.

Dick_in_Box

We check in with Kandi and for some reason all of her artwork looks like it’s out of a crime scene, bright red splatter paint and her white carpet has an odd black ink-blot design on it.  Anyway, Kandi chats with her personal assistant/best friend, Carmon, regarding the tension between Todd and Mama Joyce.  Apparently Mama Joyce suggested that Carmon and Todd may be hooking up.  Even Carmon is appalled at this malevolence and she points out that Kandi lets Mama Joyce get away with it.  Carmon recommends that Kandi tell Mama that “you either get it together, or you won’t be seein’ me no mo!”, which is basically a harsher way to deliver the same advice that Riley gave Kandi two episodes ago.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence arrive at Kenya’s new rental house, which she found without Nene’s help, so Kenya decides to call Nene and rub it in.  Oddly, Nene tells her about a great handyman and Kenya goes south with it, “can he unclog some pipes?  Text me the number!”  Kenya raves about what a good friend Nene has been to her lately, which suggests that Nene will soon turn on her like a rotten ham.

Cynthia and Nene go grocery shopping together so Cynthia can find some healthier foods to prevent her tummy from puffing up to a size 6, but really Cynthia admits she wants to spend all the time she can with her Nene before she jets off to L.A. for her next gig.  Cynthia asks Nene for advice about Noelle and the boyfriend situation, but Nene doesn’t mince words.  If Cynthia wants to keep her daughter from being a candidate for “Teen Mom 9”, she better put the kibosh on this situation.  Nene is on such a passionate rant about teen dating, but is quickly side tracked by the Totino’s Party Pizzas and Hot Pockets.

Nene-Shopping

Kandi’s personal chef is preparing a special meal for Kandi and Todd.  Todd has been out of town for a job with BET, but yet according to Mama Joyce, he’s not a provider.  Kandi and her Ronald McDonald hair are ready to greet Todd with hugs and kisses, but she smashes his appetite by bringing Mama Joyce.  Todd points out how he has given so much of himself, how he has passed up job opportunities for their relationship, and then he has to come home to this bullshit.  He suggests that if he can make a million, maybe then he can buy her love.  Kandi keeps laughing and he gets more and more pissed off.  He tells her to put a stop to it or he may hit the bricks.  He forces Kandi to call Mama Joyce and set up a time to have a serious sit down.  He warns Kandi that she needs to start speaking up, whether it’s to her mom or to him.  WORD!  GO TEAM TODD!

Porsha puts on her “emporer” headband and she is having a hard time with the idea of leaving her mom’s house, since her mom has doted on her, makes her meals, given up her own master bedroom, and her walk-in closets.  The hell…stay and milk it as long as you can!  Porsha’s sister drags her to look at a two bedroom apartment at $4,500 per month, but alas…the walk in closet is too small!  Not to mention it would eat up most of her “allowance”.  Porsha decides she isn’t ready yet, she needs more nurturing.  Her solution, “eat bon bons, watch Netflix, and think about it.”  Solid plan, Barbie.

Porsha-headband

Cynthia decides to have Noelle’s boyfriend, Arthur, come over with his mother so they can monitor where this young romance is headed.  For some reason, it looks like Cynthia is wearing a nightshirt with no pants, not sure what impression she is trying to make here.  I’m a model, so I can wear whatever I want?  Or I took too much pain medicine and simply forgot my pants?  Peter gives Arthur the death stare and then cuts out to go to “work” and Cynthia chats it up with Arthur’s mother while Noelle and Arthur giggle out on the patio.

Phaedra headed to Alabama to take her exams for mortuary school.  She meets up with her study group and razzes her study partner, Amber, saying “she thick wit’ it”, meaning she has an ample booty.  Phaedra declares “baby brain”, can’t focus, and decides to derail the whole study session.  Her study group is her refuge and the world of the dead is a welcome distraction because they’re quiet.

It’s the good ol’ “last ten minutes of the show Bravo formula for confrontation”.  Mama Joyce struts into Kandi’s house and gives Todd a cold, dead “Hi” like he’s a stock boy at the Pick Kwik.  She opts to conversate with the dog over Todd and as Kandi serves the food, Mama Joyce asks if Carmon did the cooking.  She calls Carmon the “lady of the house” and stirs the Carmon/Todd hooking up shit pot.  Then Mama Joyce goes off the rails and starts yelling at Kandi for not having any pictures of her on the wall.  Then she blasts on Kandi’s ring again, saying it’s not a wedding ring and Kandi knows that Todd is “thrifty” so Kandi stepped herself down for him.  At that point, if I were in Kandi’s shoes, I would have stood up and said “HOLD UP NOW MAMA!”  But of course Kandi rolls over like an obedient, tired, old, dog.  Mama Joyce bashes on Todd about not being a provider, she tells him that life stops at the Kandi Factory and he better sign that prenup.  Of course, not wanting to engage in the confrontation, Kandi leaves to shuffle around some tin foil and bring out a pie.  Mama Joyce starts needling Todd, calling him an opportunist, she claims she takes the “slick out of slick”, (whatever the hell that means, is she a drying shampoo?)  

MamaJoyce-Slick

Then in a masterstroke of Tammi Terrell gone cray cray, Mama Joyce says “there ain’t no river high enough, ain’t no ocean deep enough, ain’t no delta hot enough, to keep me off your ass!”  At this point, I am forced to conclude that Mama Joyce was smoking crack in the back of her station wagon, she has come completely unhinged.  Kandi comes back and Mama claims she and Todd have bonded?  In what effed up world?  Todd lays it down and says that he and Kandi are getting married.  Point.  Blank.  To the period.  Mama Joyce haphazardly shovels a fork full of pie in her mouth claiming she is “a work in progress”, which gives Kandi just enough hope to keep her illusion alive, thinking that Mama and Todd are going to eventually ride down a rainbow on a unicorn.

As much as I want to slap Mama Joyce, I must thank her, she is a snarky bloggers dream!