HO, HO, HO…AW HELL NO!

Melissa welcomes Amber Alert at her door, who comes bearing comfort food.  It seems Melissa’s favorite aunt passed away due to cancer.  Amber Alert is able to put her differences aside, because hey, she gets the whole cancer thingie.  Too bad she doesn’t get the whole stop setting your makeup gun to “third shift ho stroll” thingie.

Meanwhile, across town…Nicole and her mother, Santa, discuss the impending Valentine’s Day fake holiday of doom.  Nicole is all atwitter about her one year anniversary of dating Bobby, but let good ol’ Santa put the kibosh on her delusions, “He’s not like anyone you’ve ever dated before, he can really space out his need to be around you, and that’s very unusual.”  Basically, he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy than spend time with you.  Nicole rationalizes the behavior, Bobby just moves a little slow.  And is a “confirmed bachelor”, and is emotionally unavailable, and is a meat head, shall I go on?

Melissa threw on her “I come in peace fedora” and goes to visit her new bestie, sister in law, Tre.  They decide to hang out at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors since it’s so quiet because Juicy has taken their terrifying children out for the night.  They sip some Fabellini, light the fire, and curl up on the couch, albeit awkwardly, and decide to watch the Godfather movie.  After all Tre needs to research prison-n-stuff.

In a shameless Bravo cross-promotion, Dina goes to see Vikki Ziegler (of Bravo’s latest flop show “Untying the Knot”).  Dina’s underlying fears are revealed, am I doing the right thing?  Will I ever find love again?  What will become of me now that my shoe money must become mortgage money?  Am I wearing too much body glitter?  None of these “what ifs” matter because Dina has the perfect excuse to wait on the divorce proceedings, Lexi needs to finish school first…

The Non-Dynamic Duo gets together in front of their fire place and they decide to dress Nicole up in a slutty red frock and send Bobby some sexy selfies.  Ter-ess-uh likes Bobby, but she is worried because he was single for “ten, eleven, twelve years.”  (Wow.  Just.  Wow.)  The one-year “where are we headed” pressure looms, but Nicole wants it to happen naturally and slowly like a sleepy sea turtle that was harpooned 11 times with tranquilizer darts.  Ter-ess-uh alludes to why she and Rino divorced and then remarried, she plays it off as some sort of Rino needing to sow his wild oats and bang every stripper in town…Hey Melissa….

Tre and Juicy have a meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) to go over their calendars.  Juicy tells her “You got to get out there and you got to hustle, I mean, look, you’re the brand. I guess I’m the brawn.”  Tre is stunned that he knows what “brawn” is.  “The brawn is the muscle behind the brand. See, I know some words.”  Yay, Juicy!  Next week we’ll work on shapes and colors!  The bottom line is, Mama Goo-boo-chay has got to pay da’ bills the good ol’ fashioned way.  Leave it to Milania to bust in on the big brain trust and start applying ledger buff white out on everything.  That’s right kid, start that “Cookin’ da’ Books” training early!

Dina is low and depressed on Valentine’s Day that she decides to have a little “Face Time” with her assistant, the gay son she has always wanted.  It’s a full-blown pity party for one, she is scarfing down a box of Walgreen’s cheap chocolates that some boy gave to Lexi, while Grandma Wrinkles, smelling of bacon and feet, cuddles by her side.  Tommy proposed to Dina on Valentine’s Day, so this holiday is particularly rough for our Namaste beyotch.  Dina tests out her “Dream Spa”, which she ordered out of the fall 2013 “Contraptions” catalog.  She shoves her weary head into it and red and orange lasers burn out her retinas.

Dina-Spa

Melissa and Joe go out to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Joe has purchased more buildings and Melissa is worried that Joe is missing out on spending time with the kids.  So much so that Joe actually drove Joey to the wrong school.  No clue where his kid goes to school!  Melissa surprises joe with a book of sexy photos, which causes a fiesta in Joe’s pants.  Later Joe reciprocates the gift by surprising his fambly with a puppy, which quickly takes their minds off of losing their aunt.

The Non-Dynamic Duo, Rino, Bobby, Santa, and Sal are all out for dinner and reminisce about their favorite sweet moments from when they first met.  Nicole blurts out that Santa is worried about Bobby being a “confirmed bachelor”.  Bobby wants to make sure they take their time, but senses the pressure to show some sort of commitment to Nicole.  He tells a story about giving Nicole a stuffed frog to symbolize the end of her frog kissing days because she has finally found her prince.  Awww…GAG.

Tre shows up at “The Wine Guy”, wearing her Muppet cloak of death, to sign bottles of Fabellini and take photos.  The fans line up and start asking her personal questions.  Amber Alert shows up in her Kangol hat of peace to fish for gossip help Tre with the appearance.  Victoria Gotti shows up and cuts in line to get directly to her former Celebrity Apprentice pal.  Victoria invites them over for a drink and a side of slander.  Amber Alert is a bit troubled, but she whips on her bullet proof vest, activates her GPS tracking device embedded in her skull, and agrees to go.

Tre, Amber Alert, and Victoria Gotti sit down to talk the straight dope.  Victoria is an ol’ school G and knows Rino and his dirty laundry from way back.

Gotti

Victoria had some sort of heart attack thingie from smoking too many unfiltered cigarettes, and Rino showed up in the ICU with a diamond Rolex watch.  Victoria would not accept the gift and fired all of her henchmen for allowing Rino past the door, but she decided to keep Rino around as a friend.  Rino later told Victoria and an alleged group of people at a dinner table about his divorce.  He cheated, but that wasn’t the faux pas, it was who he cheated with that sent the crowd reeling… Amber Alert and Tre are grasping hands on the edge of their Samsonite folding chairs, expecting to hear that it was Ter-ess-uh’s twin sister, Nicole.  Totes understandable, a classic case of “twin fetish”, but no it turns out it was OH HO HO HO, AWWW HELL NAW – SANTA!  Yes, honest to crap, he slept with his mother in law.  Amber Alert and Tre need a few moments to re-hinge their jaws and so do I.  Santagate is the last thing I expected and I can’t wait for the fall-out from this little controversial convo.

Amber-Gossip

Next week, the courtroom drama heats up for the Goo-boo-chays, but who the hell cares, Rino slept with SANTA!

Advertisements

Fambly Bidness

Well this week it’s all about bidness … running it and gettin’ all up in everyone else’s.  We start with Melissa and Joe who are back at their Bentley dealer.  They want to paint the document churning truck of death something wayyyyy more cute.  Melissa is all about making it more “L.A. Chic”, even though she doesn’t know what that means.  Clearly, the weave glue has eaten her brain because her big idea is to put wings on the truck and use the slogan “going green gives you wings!”  The man at the Bentley dealer laughs in her face, she has no room to talk about “going green”… “You drive a 12 cylinder Bentley, you get 8 miles to the gallon!”

Melissa-Wings

To further demonstrate Melissa’s stupidity, Joe later takes her to meet a scientist so he can explain to her how the environmentally friendly document destruction bidness works.  Melissa is all a twitter and the scientist reminds her of the movie “Back to the Future.”  The scientist utters something about think McFly, think, plasma, vapor, gas, all the Goo-boo-chay documents destroyed, and BLAM… enough power to turn on the light bulb over Melissa’s head!  Melisa thinkie she might understandie, but the scientist confers “she has the physical capability” to be a sales person for this technology.  Meaning she is cute and can maybe sell it to some sleaze bag at a Bentley dealership.

Meanwhile, across town, Amber alert distracts herself from her woes by making mortgage themed sprinkle sugar cookies.  Based on the look of the hot mess on her cookie sheet, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  They have invited a bunch of friends and family over to watch a premiere of the low-budget commercial.  I think this has to be an even cheesier themed party than the first responders debacle.

The Non-Dynamic duo invited the other cast of characters, sans Amber Alert, to one of Rino’s restaurants.  Melissa dishes on her Amber alert lunch of death and Nicole is like a dog with a bone on this thing.  She wants her apology, and come hell or high heels, she is going to get it.  The real highlight of this get together is meeting Rosie’s new lady friend, Ellen.  Nicole and Bobby are all excited to have the same anniversary month as Rosie and Ellen, but Rino tells them they are “fugazi”, meaning “fake”.  It was glossed over, but I am sure Nicole is a seething cauldron of rage ready to bust.  Rosie makes a toast to her new lady friend and says lovely things about her.  Nicole admits she doesn’t have this with Bobby and it’s only a matter of time before that relationship is defunct.

Much to our dismay, we are learning a lot about Nicole this episode, we find out she is a “jet booker”, meaning she books jets for CEO’s who fly private.  She is flitting around her office as if she were important and then decides to call Amber Alert to invite her to a Bravo mandated “let’s clear the air” lunch.  Amber Alert is very hesitant and goes on Red Alert right away over the phone.  Nicole is steadfast in her determination, she must confront Amber Alert because holding bitterness “is like leprosy to your soul.”  During this whole exchange over speaker phone, Nicole’s co-workers are laughing at her.

Conversely, we learn about Ter-ess-uh and her lofty endeavors, to navigate the muddy lot of her future restaurant without ruining her $1,800 Jimmy Choo boots.  Ugh, does Jimmy Choo make restraints?  Rino is building the restaurant from the ground up and it will keep their son and Ter-ess-uh out of Rino’s way busy.  For some reason, I think Rino is hiding something that may come out later, such as a mistress?!?!?

At the Goo-boo-chay wayward home for adult felons, it’s time for G to the ia to have an awkward conversation with her parents.  Tre is all excited that G to the ia is now 13 years old and she wants the deets on her life, but G to the ia wants her mom out of her space.  Later, Juicy joins the fun and they present G to the ia with a gift, which is a ring that Tre says was handed down from her own mother.  G to the ia is a bit apprehensive about the gift, but little does she know, Milania has already had the ring appraised and hooked a buyer for a “buy it now” price on e-bay.  Juicy and G to the ia have some alone time and he explains to her that she is a role model to her younger sisters.  He wants to make sure she stays on the pole track.  Juicy asks her if she has ever kissed a boy, as if being on national television with your jail bait parents isn’t enough embarrassment.

Juicy-Gia-Talk

Later, Tre stops by her BFFL Dina’s house so they can make delusion vision boards.  Tre claims she doesn’t care about materialistic things, she just wants health.  After all, her lust for material goods may be her downfall very soon.  Dina suggests that Tre find words that describe how she wants to see the outcome of the case.  Tre thinks her head is a vision board so she don’t need no stinkin’ corkboard.  Tre tells Dina she has been looking at houses and she is ready to downsize.  Yes, downsize to an 8’ x 8’ cell.  The end result of the vision board from hell is that Tre wants “love”, “freedom”, to “survive”, and a “leopard print shiv”.

Tre-vision board

Finally, Nicole and Amber Alert meet for coffee and to hash out their issues.  Amber Alert has smartly worn her extensions in a bun so they can’t be ripped out.

Amber-Argue

Nicole’s first question is why Amber Alert was slandering her name when they were supposedly friends.  Amber Alert serves up a heaping helping of bitchy biscotti and says she is glad that Nicole finally got a hold of herself and can have a conversation instead of a total freak out while wearing a slutty fire fighter costume.  Amber Alert tells her that she did hear that Nicole had an affair, but Nicole insists it is not true.  Amber Alert is more concerned about how Melissa spilled the beans and why.  Amber Alert admits she feels bad, she should not have said it, but it was not in a malicious manner.  Nicole mentions the other things Amber Alert said and they discuss Bobby.  Amber Alert alludes to something she has “known about Bobby for many months”.  Apparently Bobby doesn’t give three wet farts about Nicole and he is a gigolo.  Well hell, I think that’s a perfect match, a homewrecker and a gigolo.  Nicole insists that relationships take time, but they are now officially in love and things have been so great between them.  Umm…Nicloe, did you see that Christmas gift he gave you?  You two are drinkin’ buddies, at best.  When all is said and done, Amber Alert offers up an apology and they hug it out.

Tainted Chicken

The fight with the men continues as Joe defends Juicy, while Juicy sits in the kitchen pouring scotch down his gullet like a nitrous sucking demon clown.  Melissa hoists up her suspenders on her SQUAT Team body suit and runs outside after Joe out of sheer habit of protecting his spray on hair.  Teresa squeals like a baby piglet and runs out, Amber Alert is yelling at Joe, and Joe demands apology from Jim.  Jim is not one to brawl, he will just threaten to sue you with his non-existent legal prowess.

Joe-Jim Fight

After all the dust settles, the menacing Marchese’s reveal that they left their keys inside, so they walk back inside of the frat party gone wrong.  So much for a dramatic exit.  Nicole is back downstairs, yammering on to anyone who will listen to her “homewrecker” tale of woe.  Nicole cannot believe this fight took place in front of the upper echelon of society who she must face at the post office or, wait for it… the Dunkin’ Donuts!

Jim gets cornered in the living room by the three musketeers and he tries to explain to Tre that he didn’t want to put her fambly in “danger”, by being out drinking with the guys.  Tre, Dina, and Melissa don’t compute, to which Jim says “Is there anyone here with an I.Q. above 12?!?!”  Well, NO!  Of course all the women are offended and Dina notes the “magnitude of his douchebaggery could clean a whale’s vagina”.  What.  The.  Actual.  Fuck.

Three musketeers

Nicole confronts Bobby about the low blow from Amber Alert, “That’s why Bobby won’t marry you!”  Bobby carries Nicole away like a cave man and she tells him if he ever speaks to Amber Alert again, they are done and she flings her hands in his face.  Bobby doesn’t take well to this and tells her to pump her brakes.  There is a definite chink in their armor, but nothing that a few tears, the gun range, and some body glitter won’t fix.

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors, Juicy brings the girls out back to show them the chicken coop he has purchased for the fambly, complete with a rooster that will wake them all at 5:00 a.m.  All of the girls, except Milania, are completely grossed out.  Tre is excited about having natural eggs “no steroidis”.  Later, we find out that their dog got loose and mistook the chicken coop for a local “Popeye’s” and ate two chickens, which has traumatized G to the ia.  Juicy, Rosie, and Milania take a ride out to a chicken farm to replace the murdered chickens.  Milania helps farmer load up the new poultry pals, while Rosie has a heart to cold black heart moment with the Juice man.  She is there for him if he ever wants to go have a drink to get his mind off of things, or if it’s Tuesday, or if he is having a bad hair day, or if it’s windy.

Dina is at “Serendipity” in Manhattan and she orders hot water with lemon as she waits for her date, Matt.  After 30 minutes and realizing she may be stood up, she grabs the waiter by his collar and demands a large frozen hot chocolate and French fries.  As she is dipping the fries in the hot chocolate, Matt does show up and claims he got a flat tire.  He must be the only first responder without a cell phone.  I think he was late because he spent too long rolling around in a Dorito pit to achieve his orangey glow.  Matt orders a coffee and they start talking about Dina’s divorce and she reveals she still lives with Tommy.  Matt is unfazed and invites Dina to hot yoga and offers to cook for her.  Dina is not impressed and she hops in a cab as Matt hands the driver some ride money.

Amber Alert and wormy Jim are folding laundry and rehashing the first responders melee.  Bobby stops by to “put Humpty Dumpty back together again”, but it quickly goes south.  Amber Alert offers him a “hotty toddy” (dumbass!) and proceeds to rip into Bobby about how disappointed she is in him.  Bobby flips the script on her and tells her she was out of line by repeating the gossip about his #1 girl and Jim blasts back with some details that Bobby likely wanted to keep private, such as how Bobby complains incessantly about Nicole and how Nicole looks like a mob of rabid outlaws from the Crayola factory gang banged her face.

The Non-Dynamic Duo drops by the Gorga residence of squalor and small closets.  Ter-ess-uh and Antonia demonstrate their gymnastics moves in the kitchen, because the house is so small and all.  (The kitchen is big enough for them to do cartwheels.)  The adults try to re-hash the Amber Alert drama, but Joe chimes in and chalks the Marchese’s behavior up to insecurity and small penises.

Amber Alert has invited Tre and Dina to a spa to make nicey nice and rub bird shit on their faces.  Amber Alert starts to rally the troops by apologizing for her husband’s behavior, but Tre and Dina can only focus on the peanut butter like smelling facial they are receiving.  We find out later that it is “nightingale droppings” and Tre instantly regrets licking her cheeks.  Amber Alert is going for Oscar gold, choking back tears regarding the fall out with Melissa.  Dina points out Melissa is passive aggressive, and Tre jumps right back on board the Melissa bashing express.

Teresa Hair Net

Amber Alert and Melissa are meeting a restaurant that is not empty to have the patented table conversation of death.  Melissa asks her how her head is feeling as a result of the hair pulling, but Amber Alert loses more hair in the shower and equates the Non-Dynamic Duo to “swatting away little gnats.”  Melissa points out that Amber Alert brought the aggression, but Amber Alert, who is dressed like Martha Washington, blames Melissa for repeating the rumor, calling her a “liar, troublemaker, and impostor!”  Melissa tells her she doesn’t trust her and took offense to Jim calling Joe a “fuckin’ dumbass”.  Amber Alert gets into her old timey way back machine and spews back “you are a very tainted woman!”  Looks like Amber Alert is prepared to bring the drama this season, see you next week!

Hair Affair

I must be evolving as a species, because I feel completely bored with this season of RHNJ so far.  The first 45 minutes of this episode is mostly trivial interactions serving to build up to the “First Responder” shindig fallout that we have all been waiting for.

Melissa keeps crashing her Bentley, Joe Gorga claims they have money issues, which he admitted on “Watch What Happens Live” is a ploy for him to try and curb Melissa’s spending.  Good luck with ‘dat.  While they wait for the estimate to repair her bumper, Joe fills her in on the “guys nite out” and calls Jim “Pencil Dick” because he didn’t show up.  Ummm…Joe how would you know the accuracy of that statement, hmmmm?  Joe is ready to rock out with his cock out at the upcoming “First Responder” party and plans to confront Jim about the trash talkin’ he’s been doing.  The phony estimate to repair the Bentley is shown and it’s $7,062.00.  Hell, for that he should just buy her a Prius and be done with it.  Less room for shopping bags and she wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Across town, Dina is cleaning out her dream closet and I have to say, it’s pretty fabulous.  She and Tommy decided to forgo all the gold and marble in their dream home and invested wisely in a dream closet where Dina now laments her shoe habit and must pare down her collection from 400 pairs to at least 380.  Her assistant is going to have to pry that pair of teal cowboy boots out of her cold dead hands!  Dina realizes that her shoe dilemma is two-fold, she buys shoes to fill the void that she experienced while married to Tommy, but she can’t let go of the shoes because it’s one step closer to separating completely from Tommy.

Tre, Melissa, and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a costume shop to find their “First Responder” costumes.  Tre looks like she just returned from a rummage sale at the Neverland Ranch.

Costume Shop

Melissa wants to be a sailor, but Tre is not sure that a sailor is a “first respondsers”.  Hopefully, there will be a real fire fighter at the party because between the hairspray and these costumes made in China, these beyotches are going to be highly flammable.  Melissa asks Nicole for an update on what happened after the twins fled the boutique once the can o’ “homewrecker” beans were spilled.  Melissa fills Tre in on what Jim had said about their fambly, but Tre wants no part of this hot mess express.

Slutty Costumes

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of fun, Milania is showing the girls a trick she learned from mommy and she is looting for coins in the couch cushions.  She tells her sisters “stuff your money in your bra!”  Ah the innocence of youth, everyone knows you can’t stuff coins in a bra!  Tre is trying to give Milania a lesson in “using our indoor voice”, but Milania ain’t havin’ it.   Tre talks about how Milania inherited her temper and we are treated to a wonderful trip down memory lane and we see a montage of table flippin’, Andy Cohen rag doll throwin’, venom spewing moments.

Amber Alert and fambly are filming their next commercial and all we learn here is that Jim doesn’t love this job, but is only in it for the skrilla.  His passion is to be a writer and he’s already written three books.  Great, jack of all trades, master of none another aspiring author.

Nicole and Bobby are excited to be throwing their first party together, how appropriate the theme is “first responders”, ugh.  Nicole invited a man to force on Dina, even though Dina has told her she is not ready to date.  Nicole thinks love can blossom anywhere, hell she met Bobby at Dunkin’ Donuts, which makes me wonder what the hell went on at that DD based on Nicole’s love of a good donut.  But alas, Dina’s energy is all wonky, Mars is in retrograde with the seventh circle of hell.

Dina is having trouble selecting an outfit for the party and tells us she is not so good at “ho-ing it up”.  Speaking of hoes…the Gorgas and Goo-boo-chays share a limo en route to the party and Tre can’t figure out Melissa’s costume, “what is a SQUAT team?”  Well Tre, it’s a team that goes #2 competitively, they line up the commodes and squat.  First one to clog the plumbing, wins!  Oy…on to the next thing…the group starts strategizing on how they can collectively attack Jim.  Juicy mumbles something about not giving a shit who he is or what he does, he could work with farm animals for all he cares.  Oooohhh, good burn Juicy, burn…

At the Amber Alert zone, Jim wanted to dress up as himself and be a lawyer, but he settles for wormy cop so that Amber Alert can be a police woman in a pleather cat suit who sets her makeup gun to “third-shift ho”.

Back at the party, Nicole has positioned herself to receive an apology from Nicole, but my magic hate ball says “all signs point to snowball’s chance in HELL”.  Nicole’s friend, Matt, arrives and he is being prepped on meeting Dina.  She is not ready to date, I tell you!  How many times does she need to repeat this?  Dina shows up to the party in her “I don’t give a shit” scrubs, but she actually looks cute.  The script Something tells me that Matt will eat it up.  When Matt does ask Dina for a date, she rejects him and proceeds to review the details of her negative relationship history.  Way.  To.  Go.  Matt persists and Dina finally concedes as she is obligated to under her contract with Bravo.

Dina Scrubs

The party is in full swing down in the rumpus room.  Kathy and Rosie show up, Rosie is dressed in all black and calls herself a sniper.  Kathy is dressed as Steve Urkel for some reason, but she came bearing her cannoli so she is an immediate hit with the Non-Dynamic Duo.

Now the part we have all been waiting for, the storm is a-brewin’.  Amber and Jim arrive at the party and they are all smiles.  Ter-ess-uh gives Amber Alert the cold shoulder and leads her over to Nicole who is on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Melissa jumps in and asks how this negative stuff got started and Nicole immediately throws her under the bus for starting the drama by repeating Amber’s incendiary comments.

Fight3

Amber Alert summons Melissa and Nicole to get their asses upstairs and she snaps at Nicole.  Nicole takes offense, gets in her face and grabs a handful of Amber Alert weave.  And thank goodness, we haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hair pullin’ in a few seasons now!

Amber Alert

Amber gets away and then Ter-ess-uh grabs her hair, finally Rosie shoulders her way in and breaks it up.  As Amber Alert backs away from the drama, Ter-ess-uh throws cocktail in her face.  They continue to fight and there is more hair pulling and finally Matt and Jim break it up.  Amber Alert erupts like a river of ferocious magma, she flips what hair she has left, and yells “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hope you’re happy, Melissa!”

Amber Alert tells the camera that she never said that Nicole wrecked a home, but cut to the video tape…and yup, she said it.  As Amber Alert and Jim leave, they find Bobby in the kitchen and Jim lays the pile of Amber’s hair on the counter to dramatize what just went down in Bobby’s rumpus room.  Have we taught you nothing, Jim???  Amber Alert is going to need that tuft o’ weave for part 41 of the reunion show, EVIDENCE!

Amber in Kitchen

Rino comes upstairs and gets in Jim’s face, chiding him for not wanting to hang out with the men.  Now it’s out of the bag that Bobby told the guys why Jim didn’t want to come out for guys nite.  I think the Bravo intern needs to remind Amber Alert and Jim that they are on camera and their shit talking is being broadcast on national television.  Nothing is sacred after you signed that Bravo contract in blood.

Joes fighting

Ok so, Joe is also spewing at Jim and Jim leans in to tell Joe that he works for the prosecutor that is prosecuting Juicy.  But yet, it’s okay to be cast on the same show with Juicy…whatevs.  Jim is an idiot, he looks like the guy who poses on the package of irregular underwear.  Next week, the men take it outside and Jim may actually need a real first responder.