Issues and Tissues

The hot mess express has reached its final destination on the underground railroad…finally!  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. The Rotten Peach

Lupeter is salivating into his wife’s wig, waiting to address the cheating rumors that Phaedra was throwing around like cheap pocketbooks.  He notes that if he were to cheat, he would go big or go home and hook up with J-Lo or Beyoncé.  So not only is Papa Smurf annoying, he is delusional.  Lupeter goes over his lifetime information sharing limits when he tells us he would rather jerk off than get with one of his Bar None waitresses.

Peter-saying

  1. Half-Assed, Half-Breed Apologies

Kandi and Todd update us on their flourishing marriage, they are working on a baby and Kandi is undergoing fertility treatments that have fattened her up and have caused her boobs to grow larger than Nene’s swollen ego.  Todd speaks out about the half-assed apology Mama Joyce gave on camera, but Kandi wanted to make yet another excuse for her mother’s appalling behavior.  That half-assed apology given on camera was done when Todd’s mother was still alive, as if that makes it acceptable.  Only after Todd’s mother passed way, did he get a three quarters-assed apology.  Gregg Leakes spoke at Sharon’s funeral and wanted to go on record that Nene tried everything she could to get out of Broadway to be at the funeral.  Phaedra couldn’t make it either, but she assisted with making the proper arrangements complete with bedazzled prayer cloths.

Later, we reflect back on Nene’s malevolent alter ego…NayNay, making an appearance in Puerto Rico and she gets some heat for calling Claw-dia “half breed”.  Nene can’t bring herself to offer an apology to Claw-dia, but she gives her patented dead-in-the-eyes apology to all the viewers she has offended.

  1. Deep thoughts with Gregg Leakes

“Faults are like headlights on a car, you can only see the other persons.”  Can someone put his shock collar on him and throw him behind his electric fence?  He has clearly been sitting behind Nene too long, inhaling her wig glue fumes.

  1. End of the Road Friendship Contract

We once again belabor the point that Nene and Cynthia are dunzo.  Cynthia feels the incessant need to rehash their fall out, blow by blow, so that she never has to repeat it again.  Here’s a brief synopsis:  Lupita beyotch, Cynthia should be fired, food off my table, I’m wrong, you’re right, burn baby burn.

  1. Freindtervention

Dr. Jeff joins the group and Nene confronts him about how the therapy sesh was poorly handled.  Then, like a one legged rickshaw driver, Nene completely breaks down.

Nene-Breakdown

She refuses to talk, and the group must have a rehearsal because they are all in on the fact that Nene didn’t have a relationship with her mother and this is why she has to be carried off the stage.  As she is walking out, everyone gathers around her except for Kandi and Claw-dia, who are taking the opportunity to adjust their Spanx and check their texteses.

Nene-Walk off

Dr. Jeff and OHAC get the backstory from Gregg and it turns out that Nene’s mother had five children and couldn’t handle them all so she sent Nene and her brother away to be raised by their aunt.  This abandonment issue has plagued Nene for years and she never understood why she was sent away.  Cynthia whisks Nene into the ladies room for a makeup re-touch and Dr. Jeff and OHAC declare this as a “Breakthrough!”  It’s a Christmas miracle!  Cynthia teeters on her 8” heels back to the stage to update the rest of the group, who incidentally, don’t give three hot, wet farts.

The dramatic music is cued as Nene returns to her perch.  Cynthia gives her a pep talk, telling her how great she is and how she has it all, reverting back to the Cynthia that lives up Nene’s ass.  Claw-dia, realizing she hasn’t said two lines during the last two parts of the reunion, gives her own version of a pep talk and declares that they should not be fighting, but connecting on this common ground.  Dr. Jeff rounds it out by saying that we all have a story and if you don’t talk about your story, it will continue to contaminate all of your relationships.  Nene just can’t help herself…despite her total mental breakdown, she collects herself long enough to beat a dead horse.  She asks Dr. Jeff if he would have handled the counseling sesh the same way.  He placates her by saying that since he now knows what her needs are, he would adjust accordingly.  So basically, now that he knows she’s a raging drama queen on stilts, he would gladly stroke her ego for $175 per hour.  With that, OHAC sends him off in a pneumatic air tube back to shrink-land.

  1. Last Ditch Efforts

As this 90 minute torture sesh winds down, Cynthia decides to apologize to Phaedra for the pain she caused, given that Phaedra had her roughest season ever.  Thank God for caffeine enemas to pull a gal through!  Phaedra notes that she is still dealing with a lot of crap, but “I walk in gratitude because pressure builds diamonds.”  Sounds like someone has found their opening tag line for next season!

Claw-dia feels she has grown and will be creating a vision board with an illustration of herself, clinging her peach tightly in her falcon toes.  Kenya has learned understanding, forgiveness, and never to say never.  Porsha feels everyone has had a breakthrough, including her…breaking through her clothing she purchased from the Forever 21 clearance bin.  Kandi equates life to a roller coaster with ups and downs and she looks forward to the future.  Nene admits she did not see her breakdown coming and appreciated the support when she returned to the stage.  Until she is talking shit about everyone the minute she gets off the stage.

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Talk-n-Shout

Welcome back to the set decorated entirely from the clearance bin at Pier One!  A lot of talk during round two, and no action.  Let’s round up the low lights:

  1. Charitable Donations

Kenya takes Nene to task for not writing a check for charity and calls her “rotten to your core.”  Nene claims that if she is going to make a charitable donation, she doesn’t feel the need to announce it, and she’ll do it when she is dayum ready…mmmmkay!  She neglects to add that her “Celebrity Apprentice” check went toward her new Petco teeth.

  1. Cynthia 2.0

Cynthia 2.0. has found a new clique, a clique that kicks Phaedra while she is down.  Cynthia claims that when she presented the rumor about Phaedra’s affair with Mr. Chocolate, she was presenting her the opportunity to “shut it down and keep it movin’.”  Phaedra is clearly pissed and there’s a lotta talking over each other.  Cynthia winds the round by telling Ms. Parks to “win a case”.  Cynthia has clearly forgotten Phaedra’s biggest win this season… Some Rando vs. Hairburglar, Derek J.  These ladies are gonna cause me to catch a case.

  1. Friends for Never

The Ace Boon Coons, Kandi and Phaedra, are still on the outs…the waaaaay outs.  We flash back to the clip where Phaedra actually got emotional over having a shortage of friends who give a crap about her and she learned that when her chips were down, it was Nene who was there to support her.  Kandi’s voice starts rattling and she explains that there were other things going on in her life besides the cancellation of her horrible musical, “A Mother’s Love”.  She too, had a fambly member going to prison, a crumbling marriage, and apparently she dropped her iPhone in the toilet and changed her number and never informed her BFFL.  Phaedra gives one of her patented “at the end of the day” speeches, but Kandi appears to be done with her.

Kandi-Upset

  1. Friend Swapping

No it’s not yet another new reality show, but the wives seemed to switch friends more often than they change their wig glue.  Cynthia has moved out of Nene’s ass and into Kenya’s genetically modified one.  Nene got tight with Phaedra and has “evolved from the Nene of yesteryear.”  Phaedra notes that she and Nene became close because of where they are both currently “seated in life”.  Yea, seated at the reunion from hell.

  1. Lupeter and the other Househusbands

No, Lupeter is not the latest winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, but it’s a new nickname for our very own Papa Smurf, Peter Thomas.  Peter is still peach-less, but he ain’t speech-less.  He isn’t afraid to say whatever the F*CK he wants to say, even if it means getting into the women’s bidness and looking like a punk.  Speaking of looking like a punk, poor li’l Todd looks like he needs a booster seat, you can barely see him over the back of the couch.  Anyway, Lupeter reiterates… “I don’t give a F*CK!” and Cynthia shoots him the death glare and threatens to wash his mouth out with the dirty sink water from Bar One.  I guess Lupeter missed social poise day at the Bailey Agency for wayward models, where Cynthia sells “pipe dreams to little girls”.

  1. Sex, Lies, and Color Copies of Fabricated Texteses

Phaedra denies ever compromising her marriage for an unknown Mr. Chocolate and claims that she still loves Apollo.  She thinks Apollo doctored the texteses, but Todd pipes up and says “he came by with color copies.”  Phaedra addresses lunging at Kenya with her pocketbook over Brazilian meats and notes that she was at a breaking point.  Mainly due to the meat sweats, but earlier that day, Apollo had refused to turn himself in, Bunn ran up on her perfectly manicured lawn with his crotch rocket, and Apollo had run toward her with a drill.  And let’s not forget the bucket o’ hinges!  Kenya doesn’t buy the “breaking point” excuse for bad behavior, after all, a blind man could see that Phaedra had time to get to the Mexican spa for a boob job, despite spinning power drills and flying hinges.

Lupiter

  1. Everybody Flirts

After Phaedra continued to call Kenya a whore, Kenya starts yelling “Everybody flirts!” and then draws Nene in by saying she flirted with Lupeter.  Nene rears her Petco choppers back, Gregg secures her earrings, and Nene gives Kenya a very loud “HOLD UP!” accompanied by a waving acrylic fingernail of death.  Nene will not be disrespected, she is NOT PHAEDRA, as she throws her new BFFL under the prison bus carrying Apollo.  Gregg says he doesn’t care if Nene was flirting because “I won”, to which Kenya retorts “I’m glad you think you have a prize.”

Nene-Flirt

Next week part three where Nene breaks down talking about her mom.