The Smell of Glitter and Regret

Another snoozefest RHNJ fans, let’s hit the low lights…

#1 – Regrets, I’ve had a few…

Rosie – she regrets telling Teresa to “take it up the ass” because she now realizes that it may become a reality.

#2 – C U Next Tuesday

Juicy denies ever calling Teresa a “C U Next Tuesday”, even though he did it on camera.  Teresa excuses him “he never said it to my face!”  Just.  All.  Of .  America.

#3 – Everything’s coming up Rosie

The Zen retreat did Rosie some good, she quit smoking, she bonded with Juicy, and she realized that damn it, she is good enough!

#4 – Penelope Cruz?

Finally, at long last, the source of the Joe/Melissa rumors has been cracked.  It was Penelope Cruz.

#5 – The Teresa “take down”

Teresa thinks Joe and Melissa came on the show to “take her down” because four hours into filming Joe went berserk at his own son’s christening.  It really is Teresa’s world, we just get to live in it.

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#6 – The abuse of Albert Manzo

We learn that Albert’s father was abusive in non-physical ways, Caro gives an example of how punishments would be brutal.  By not going outside on his father’s first request to shovel the driveway, Al would have to shovel snow with a tablespoon.  We also learn that Albert’s father died under mysterious circumstances.  Rumor has it his body was found dead in the trunk of his car and there is speculation of mob ties.  “I get very offended when people suggest we are part of that world, because I live with a man who has worked like an animal.  He earned a good decent living and I will go to war with anybody that’s gonna try to besmudge his name!”  DAYUM!  Caro doesn’t know what happened to Al’s father and doesn’t want to.  We also learn the body was found on her birthday and her memories are forever tainted.  If you don’t get why she won’t talk about this, than “go f*ck yourself!”

#7 – Sympathy for the Devil Goo-boo-chays

Imprisonment looks great with green glitter inevitable and of course Joe and Melissa would take care of the Goo-boo-chay girls if they were asked to.  Caro offers some practical advice based on the experiences of Albert’s buddy, Bernard Kerik.  Bernie was a former NY cop who served more than three years for tax fraud.  The Goo-boo-chays will learn who their true friends are, “they will be there when you go away and pick you up when you get out.”  Yes Tre, your ass is goin’ to the hoosegow.

#8 – The final strike…

As the show is winding down, Teresa has to take the opportunity to incite a riot by harping on Caroline for calling her “superficial” in one of her blogs.  Does Teresa “I won’t live in a used house” Goo-boo-chay, even know what “superficial” means?  Caro calls a time out and preps to counterblast her weave off, “30 seconds of time that you are now harping on ‘til the day I freaking die.  You have decided to take everything that I have done for you and your fambly and just sweep it under the rug and discount it!”  DAYUM…And with that, we also learn that Caroline is not returning to the RHNJ.

Caroline-Hand

Well, it’s been a heckuva season, should be interesting to see how the cast is completely overhauled.  Now for a much needed break until RHATL hits the airwaves on Nov. 3!

Rehash, Bash, Trash, Repeat

Reunions like this are such a drag, aren’t they?  All we do is re-re-re-hash-hash-hash the nonsense from the season.  There were no good blowouts and everyone kept their cool, which was like watching paint dry.  I thank the TiVo Gods for the fast, fast, fast forward button.  Let’s hit a few of the lowlights:

#1 – Do you prefer your Joe sprayed or shaved?

Answer:  Obvi…shaved.  He looks so much better just owning his hair fate instead of spraying on that late-night infomercial aerosol.  Amiright?

#2 – The latest internet gossip…Did Albert cheat on Caroline?

Answer:  No, all hype over nothing.  Caroline made a statement to some internet troll by saying “it’s foolish to think he has been faithful for 32 years”.  Words twisted, I can hear Officer Barbrady now “Move along folks, there’s nothing to see here.”

Move_Along_ppl

#3 – The awkward pause when Andy asked Teresa if Joe had been unfaithful with the secretary and the babysitter.

Response:  Tre maintains his innocence, but we learn that the secretary and the babysitter were the same person.  Hmmm….how conveeeeeenient.  We also learn that Melissa is in charge of hiring Joe’s “staff” and will only hire trolls.  However, now that he doesn’t need to spend 90 minutes applying his hair, he won’t need an assistant.

#4 – How is Melissa’s song “Never Let Me Go” coming along?

Answer:  She is working on getting radio play, translation = it’s never gonna see the light of day.

#5 – Argument between Melissa and Teresa about what constitutes a “real” book.

Conclusion:  More words than pictures, therefore both of their books are about as real as their eyelashes.

#6 – Teresa has a Crisis Management PR Team that advises her to watch out for stories Melissa is selling to on Radar Online.

Conclusion:  Really Teresa, now is that money well spent?  Melissa is mad, why isn’t her sissy in law flipping tables over the trash talking Penny, Kim D., and Jan-whowasinmywedding are doing?  Teresa is a table flipper no more, just a script flipper.

#7 – Jacs pretending she didn’t notice Kathy in her “Crocodile Dundee” hats all season.

Conclusion:  Rotten skank.  Oh and a sidebar:  What is with Kathy, she either looks sedated or her fake lashes are too heavy.

#8 – Rosie wearing a pearl necklace.

Conclusion:  Need I say more?

#9 – Teresa claims she has learned not to hold grudges.

Response from Andy:  “Like, in the last half hour?”

#10 – Teresa and Juicy hang out with a new gay couple.  The girl hangs out with Tre and the guy hangs out with Juicy.  Errr… “the femininer” one hangs out with Teresa.

Response:  I.  Just.  Can’t.

#11 – Rosie grabs Joe’s balls.

Conclusion:  I.  Still.  Can’t.

#12 – Being called “pussy whipped” is just as worse.

Response:  RHNJ cast needs Hooked on Phonics.

#13 – Teresa is lost in space.

Response:  Not even leggy, blonde, miracle worker Dr. V. can bring her back to the planet.

Dr.V-Reunion

#14 – Penny played Teresa like a used fiddle.  Teresa would not even “give her the audacity”.

Response:  Rosie – “I never would have sat down wit’ da’ bitch at dinner!”  Let alone give her the audacity…

#15 – Dr. V – “Stay the fuck off twitter” … “it’s hard for you, the words?”

Conclusion:  Truth is vulnerability and Teresa and Melissa are not capable of either.  Teresa has her emotional vocabulary now, but she can’t use it.

#16 – Joe needs anger management.

His Response:  Pissed off.

#17 – “What happened to me could happen to anyone!”

Response:  Oh dear Teresa, 39 counts of bankruptcy fraud, peppered with tax evasion and bank fraud, don’t “just happen”.  You have to be a special kind of knuckle dragging, chucklefuck to make that happen!

Everyone looks like they would rather be eating their own earwax than sitting at this reunion, including me!

Juicy-killmenow

Texteses, Lies, and Poorly Edited Video Tape

The argument continues to heat up at “Moxie Extension Bar for the Damned”, the group summons the foul Kim D. and her melty, margarine colored extensions into the mix, who Caroline points out is the common denominator in all the drama.  Teresa demands that Penny pull up “her textes”, but alas, Penny doesn’t “save texteses”.  “What a co-wink-a-dink, she doesn’t save texteses!” Teresa shrieks like a cat on a waffle iron.  My spell check just told me to “get bent” and flipped me off.  Johnny, Penny’s husband, arrives ready to rumble in his Kangol hat.  Joe introduces himself and confronts him about the disparaging tweets.  They get heated very quickly and there is a bit of a brawl, Bravo doesn’t show it, which is kinda gyppie considering this scene has been hyped and all we want to see is a good ol’ fashioned ass kickin’.  All we do see is a bunch of Posche II poly chiffon skank all over the floor, Juicy and Teresa sharting themselves, and Joe – a furious, frothing, little gnome, practically in tears.

TRe-Juicy-fight

 

Caroline is screaming at Kim D. and straight up loses her shiz.  “Are you happy?  Are you happy what you did to a fambly?!?!?!”  A Boy II Manzo wrestles Caro out of the salon as she continues to rant, “I don’t understand how people are so evil!”  Oh Caro, have we taught you NOTHING on the last five seasons of this ramshackle disaster?

Caro-Shouting

Joe and Melissa now know that Teresa was behind everything, but Joe still defended his sister.  In a rare display of calm appropriateness, Joe tells Teresa “I’ll deal with you later” and he exits, stage left.  As Teresa leaves, she certainly gets her last words in, “They want to buy Milania hair products, tell them to f*ck themselves.”  Awesome.  Publicity.  For.  A.  Hair.  Care.  Line.  Named.  After.  Your.  CHILD!

The next day, all the little Joyseyites hold mini-confabs to rehash the Moxie debacle.  Teresa’s asshole is sweating like it’s getting paid to.  She knows the jig is up.  Melissa and Joe aren’t sure what to believe, but they know Teresa had something to do with it.  Melissa wants to forgive, but Joe wishes Teresa would just own up to her involvement.  Kathy and Richie drop by the Gorga’s and Richie suggests that Joe move forward with reconciliation and reminds them that Juicy has a court date approaching and they should all try to be there for them.  “Let’s not talk about old school, let’s do old school.”  Translation = your brother in law is about to get ass f*cked by a guy named “Bubba” for the next 16 years, try and be there for your sister.

Caroline is milling around in her mansion where the Ham Game was invented, and she realizes that she can’t ever leave this place.  Annnnnd…she is contractually obligated to stay there to accommodate the camera crew, now filming “Manzo’d with Children”.  Albert catches her waxing philosophical over some old photos and takes the opportunity to convince her to scrap Hoboken apartment.  Daddy can’t keep this boat afloat without that Bravo paycheck.

The Goo-who-flays and Laurita’s are rehashing the madness at Moxie and Chris offers his two cents and advises Teresa to come clean with Joe.  Chris and Juicy “go for a walk” because they are bored shitless and they allow Lucy and Ethel to talk privately.  Jacs echoes her hubby’s sentiments, just be the bigger forehead person and come clean.  Teresa actually admits that she maybe did some things wrong and has regrets.  Of course, she must throw in the fact that Melissa “was doing things” to her.  Not sure what Melissa was doing, other than torturing Teresa with sprinkle cookies and out-eye lashing her.  Jacs is astounded at the miracle before her that is Teresa, admitting that MAYBE she did something wrong.  Perfect segue for Jacs to invite Teresa to a BLK tasting party, where Joe will be present.  Teresa can seize the opportunity to make murky amends over murky black water.  Chris and Juicy return from their prosciutto eating and Teresa announces her epiphany.  Chris offers up an analogy of the situation regarding his falling out with his sister Dina.  Not quite the same, but hey, who the hell cares?

The Boyz II Manzos welcome everyone to the BLK beverage of death tasting party and the gang starts tasting the wretched flavors.  The Fruity Paranoia Punch is the crowd favorite, but everyone is revolted by the special flavor custom made for Joe called “Love Poison”.

Jacs whips out her cattle prod and prompts Teresa to talk to Joe.  Teresa tells him “I want to show you something…”, and pulls him aside.  She maybe kinda regrets things that she has done and finally admits that “like” when she “like” heard negative things “like” about Melissa, it made her “like” feel better.  Joe accepts her apology, albeit half-assed and dodgy.  She breaks down and gets very emotional and tells Joe that she loves him and doesn’t want to fight anymore.  Where have we heard that before?  And where is Melissa’s apology?  Joe feels that she is being genuine, but I’ll wait until the reunion before I believe any of these theatrics.

Tre-Joe-Makeup

The Goo-boo-chay clan returns to their shore home which has been restored from the Hurricane Sandy damage.  Everyone arrives for a barbecue, Fabellini’s on the rocks, store bought cake, and analogies between the hurricane and this season of the show.  The gang sits around the fire and reflects on all the progress (?) they have made.  Translation = at least they didn’t kill each other.

Conclusion:

Kathy – started building her dream home and Richie will stay the f*ck out of the way if he knows what is good for him.  Doesn’t he have a collar to pop and some transition lenses to polish?

Jacs – focusing on Nicholas and A$$lee has returned for an extended stay.  Get down to the unemployment line, Jacs.  Heard she is not returning next season?

Caroline – broke the lease on the Hoboken apartment.  Happy at home playing the Ham Game with Lauren, sister Frannie, a bunch of animals, and a camera crew filming her own spinoff.

Melissa – sold their McMansion for a paltry $3.8 million.  New home is 30 minutes away from drama central and they have yet to have the entire family over for Sunday dinner.

Teresa and Juicy – 39 count indictment.  They plead “not guilty” and could face jail time and Joe could be deported, but Teresa continues to “love, love, love.”

We are treated to a quick non-touching moment betwixt Juicy and Teresa.  They stand next to the water, embracing, looking longingly into each other’s dead eyes.  She looks very much at peace, which for her is a confluence of denial, drunkenness, itchy weave scalp, and obsessing over what will accessorize best with prison orange.  Juicy is livin’ on a supposition and a prayer.  He will prove himself right and their federal fraud charges “little issue” is no big deal.  Will Juice man be saying that when they pry his soap on a rope from his cold, dead hands?  Who knows, will be interesting to see what happens with these two.  See you at the reunion!