You’ve got Sext

Kenya takes her stallion booty to Sky Gym to do some of those scarf twirling acrobatic workouts in order to relieve her house hunting stress.  In a masterstroke of nutbaggery, Kenya twirls around, her ass in air, and she says she is no stranger to having her legs in the air while being upside down.  Kandi walks in and Kenya is twirling around over using her favorite catch phrase “I’m gone with the wind”.  Kandi demands she get some new material, STAT. 

Kenya-twirl

Kandi tells her she “fell out of her high heels” and hurt her ankle so, regrettably, she simply cannot twirl.  Kandi is avoiding workouts and on a diet, so she is “get off my lawn” cranky and decides to go Barbara Walters on Kenya’s ass implants over the Apollo texting scandal.  Kenya’s eyes pop out of their sockets and she decides to show her the texts and end this debate.  The most controversial thing Kandi can sniff out is a text from Kenya to Apollo saying “LOL, thanks babe”.  Kandi presses for an answer on whether or not Kenya and Apollo met up in L.A. and Kenya plays the “I don’t recall” card.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, bottom line, both Kenya and Apollo know better and are in the wrong.  Kandi gets upset that Kenya keeps interrupting her and tells her to look in the mirror and take a long hard look at herself.  Where there are smoking weaves…there’s fire.

Porsha visits Dr. Sherri Blake to get a quick therapy sesh.  She’s got a bad case of the sads and she is sporting her straw fedora, which apparently is her choice for therapy wear.  Porsha realizes she was playing a role and thought she could “fake it until you make it” with the marriage.  Dr. Sherri points out that Porsha got pissed because her friends were telling her the truth about the marriage.  Porsha also reveals she didn’t have her name on the deed to the house or the bank accounts.  Sherri points out that she may as well been hired help and Kordell was playing the role of father.  Porsha reveals her father died when she was 17, so that explains the roles.  Basically, the marriage did not come out the way Porsha envisioned and she didn’t want to see reality.  Porsha throws more gay shade and reveals that Kordell did not work on starting a family.  Dr. Sherri points out that Porsha is still wearing her wedding ring, she asks “who is holding on?”  Yes, Porsha, it’s you…strap on your big girl fedora and move on.

Porsha-fedora

Nene drops by Cynthia’s for a post-op visit and wants her to get out of bed and go shopping.  Cynthia is feeling better, her stomach is puffing down, but she isn’t ready to move yet.  Kandi calls while they are chatting and wants to arrange a “cheer up Porsha lunch”, which they reluctantly agree to.  Cynthia’s happy pill kicks in, so she scoots Nene out the door and Nene happily obliges, off to Saks to blow the last of her “Glee” money.

Phaedra is busy with “babies, dead people, and my study group”, but there is plenty of time to meet Kandi for fro-yo and gossip.  Kandi arrives first, and as she ogles the brownie bites, her inner demons start fighting out loud.  She and Phaedra sit down and start gossiping about Kenya, who according to Phaedra, has “whorish tendencies” and knows Kenya and Apollo saw each other at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel, but she is “ride or die” for her hubby and insists nothing happened.  Stand by your man, stand by your fro-yo.

We see a nice, short scene with Cynthia talking to her daughter, Noelle.  Noelle has apparently been making out with a boy named Arthur, which is too much for Cynthia’s puffy tummy to take.  Cynthia cautions her to be careful and demands that Noelle keep her abreast (pun intended) of all details, she needs the “blow by blow”.  As I cringe behind a pillow, Cynthia, realizing her faux pas, retracts her statement.  “Maybe that wasn’t the right word!”  Ya’ think???

Operation “cheer up sad Porsha with taquitos ten-quitas” is underway.  Porsha enlightens the ladies about her marriage and how she was like a child in the house.  She bashes Kordell from every possible angle and they all have a good laugh now that Porsha’s delusion has ended.  They all cheer to the “new Porsha”, dance on the table, and fight over who gets wear the Beyoncé wig.

Nene goes to visit Kenya at some seedy extended ghetto stay motel and she screams “where you live, bitch?”  I love when we get glimpses of the old Nene.  Out of everything Nene could have chosen to be appalled over, she is most horrified by the white refrigerator.  Never mind the blood stained carpet and semen-ridden easy chair.

Nene whisks Kenya away from her squalor to look for a new place.  Kenya talks about a new man she has met in Nigeria and how she cannot possibly live in anything under 5,000 square feet.  She and Nene look at a place that is a paltry 4,000 square feet priced at $1,650,000.00.  Kenya is outraged, she can get 15,000 square foot house in Buckhead for that price!  As if she can afford that, puh-leaze.

Finally, Phaedra and Apollo sit down for a one on one “date night” that goes off the rails quickly.  In an odd aside, Phaedra looks at a subpoena she received to serve as a character witness in the landlord/eviction case for Kenya, which is out of sequence since that case has already been shown and concluded.  Bravo, can we get a continuity editor ova here???  Phaedra uses the subpoena as a segue to confront Apollo about the text-gate.  She basically tells him to stop texting her friends and he immediately goes on defense.  Since when is Kenya her friend?  HA!  Apollo is about as slippery as a partially masticated gummy worm and he won’t tell her exactly what was said or what happened between he and Kenya in L.A.  He throws out the same card Kenya played, “I don’t recall”.  After more prodding, he caves like the little bitch that he is and tells Phaedra that he could have hooked up with Kenya if he wanted to, but he didn’t. 

Phaedra-notbuyin

That’s about as reassuring as stepping into a port-a-potty at a hot dog eating contest.  Phaedra tells him she is ready to cut his tongue out with her steak knife.  Now that I’d like to see, then this show would really start cookin’!

Badass

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Everybody’s Twerkin’ for the Weekend

Kandi visits her newly completed studio/office “The Kandi Factory”, and she sits down with her manager, Don Juan to discuss her business goals.  She ends up telling him about Mama Joyce bashing Todd from here to eternity and Don Juan sits in hot pink pleather chair saying “ok”, “ok”, “ok”.  When he has a chance to give his input, he guesses Mama Joyce is worried about where she is going to “fit in” the budget.  He confesses he has the same concerns and is worried about his paychecks.  Kandi is a bit deflated by this, why is everyone around her worried about Todd hijacking their gravy train?  Sidebar:  I miss Kandi’s short hair.  The carrot top look is not twerkin’ for her.  Anyhoo, she assures Don that she “loves love”, but she loves her career too and has no plans of letting her money making abilities fall to the wayside.  No scrubs, remember? 

Gregg Leakes, however, is longing for some scrubbing in his household.  He recalls the days when Nene was a housewife and he snaps rubber gloves in her face to try and interest her in sweeping the floor.  You need gloves to sweep?  Anyhoo, Nene quickly jumps into her rolodex of complaints, “I need to go lay down”, “I’m allergic”, “broom too big”, “I don’t want small broom”, “No small broom now, I am used to this big broom.”  Saved by the bell, her manager calls with an update on her role in “Glee”.   Production has been pushed due to the death of star Cory Monteith, but it’s Nene’s world and she says “my life is over”.  Ugh, poor taste Nene!  I think the mop and gloves may be foreshadowing her future.

Nene-mop

Porsha is still lounging around her mom’s house, but this time in a maxi dress and she is carrying around a cute set of puppies.  The movers show up with the rest of her Victoria’s Secret loungewear and we learn that Kordell can’t spell, he labels the boxes “cloths” instead of “clothes”.  Porsha states that Kordell wanted to dress her up like a Barbie and thought he was “just being metrosexual”, again implying he is gay.  She finds one of her Lazzaro wedding dresses thrown in a Home Depot box and it’s damaged.  She calls Kordell a “drama queen” and throws out some “woman to woman” comment.  She discovers the wedding album goes all “Play Misty For Me” on it and tries to find the final closure she needs.

Kenya is still moving out of her house while her assistant, Brandon, reads mean tweets from the landlady, Conya.  Kenya insists that Conya is just a jealous hater and is throwing her out because she isn’t part of the faboo Kenya entourage.  Kenya breaks out into song “don’t come for me unless I send for you.”  I sense a new iTunes hit with Brandon on background vocals.  Kenya proceeds to twerk around the house and rub her butt implants on the grand piano, which helps alleviate her “stress”.  Sad Brandon tries to offer some beat boxing to accompany her middle-aged twerking efforts while he packs up her fork, pan, and frozen Trader Joe entrees.

Kenya-twerk

Phaedra and Apollo are prepping for a family photo shoot and Apollo is already bitching about it.  Apollo is seriously, “get off my lawn” cranky, he and Phaedra get into a closed door kerfuffle.  He claims he didn’t know about the photo shoot and Phaedra remains calm, “I’m fixin’ to have a moment.”  Translation = “Shut the hell up, Apollo, before I rip out your intestines and use them as my personal jump rope in my next Phine Booty work out video!”

Back at Kandi Town Estates, Kandi has a frank conversation with her daughter Riley, who isn’t afraid to sweep.  Kandi is trying to feel Riley out about the pending nuptials, but Riley seems indifferent.  She does, however, confirm that she has not said negative things to Mama Joyce about Todd.  It is here that Kandi learns that Riley has her back.  Riley says that if Mama doesn’t like Todd, I guess she won’t be able to hang around much.  PLONK!  Out of the mouths of babes.  Sidebar:  It looks like Kandi used her leftover hair dye on Riley’s hair and there was only enough for the ends.  Get that child to a salon, STAT!

Kandi-Riley

Cynthia heads home to recoup from her fibroid surgery and Peter lovingly helps her up the stairs by holding her by the back of her pants like she is a toddler who just took an atomic dump.  Cynthia takes a moment to thank Peter for taking care of her and instead of being gracious, he starts asking when she will stop being mean and grouchy and ride his creaky bones more often than once a month.  Peter takes jack ass of the week for even asking her that immediately after surgery.  Although, Karma is at play here, Peter leans in to give Cynthia a kiss and she burps in his mouth.

Kandi stops by to see Porsha and assess the damage, not only to Porsha, but to her things.  Porsha shows her the damaged wedding dress and says that is why she can’t be around Kordell alone.  Kandi asks if he beat her and Porsha takes a long pause and delivers an unconvincing “no”.  Kandi isn’t buying it and reads into the long pause.  Porsha tells her she still has no closure and she feels like she is dealing with a death.  Porsha breaks down and admits that she was afraid to tell the ladies what was really going on for fear of being told “I told you so”, which is precisely what would have happened.  Kandi gives her comfort and says “it can’t rain forever”, do I sense Kandi writing a song in her head?  Then they find the “Bedroom Kandi” bag, which Porsha swears she did not open, and the butt balls and mysteriously missing.  Things that hum make you go “Hmmmm”.

Back at Casa-Del-Dysfunction, Kenya finds her landlady’s wedding dress, which was left in the house.  She puts it on and it’s hideously ugly, and ironically fits, but it’s as close as Kenya will get to wearing one if she keeps her cray cray on display.  As Kenya is twerkin’ around in the dress, Cousin Che describes her as “emotionally disturbed”, but that doesn’t even scratch the surface.

The landlady shows up at the house and starts screamin’ at Kenya and calls 911.  The dispatcher asks for a description of Kenya Moore and landlady says “black, tall, female, medium build, with weaves, contacts, and implants.”  Oh and did we mention she is FULL BLOWN BALLS ON NUTS CRAZY?

Next week looks a bit juicier, we find out that Porsha couldn’t get preggers because Kordell wouldn’t try, further propagating the gay rumors.  We get to see Kenya’s new ghetto digs and Phaedra confronts the Kenya/Apollo inappropriate sexting.

Guuuuurl Code

We start this week with Kenya celebrating her victory in court against her evil landlord.  She can barely get out of the courthouse with all of the paparazzi stalking her.  Seriously, it’s like one dude who rolls out of a garbage can to look at her and then turns back around to continue heating his slim jim with a lighter.

Kenya-papparazi

Later, Nene and Kenya meet and Nene confronts her about the crap she pulled at Cynthia’s party.  Kenya turns on the water works, how can Nene be so cruel to a damsel in distress, being displaced from her home?  Nene ain’t buyin’ the act, she offers to help Kenya to find a new place to hang her curtain rod, but Kenya shifts gears.  If she can’t plea her case that way, she will go back to harping about her “ex” being invited to Nene’s wedding.  Nene shoots down that horse shit too, when you see an ex, “that’s when you really twirl, honey!”  Nene finally gives a lesson in friendship, in order to have a friend, be a friend, and stop being such a hot diggity dog gone mess!  Nene also brings up how Kenya is breaking the “G Code” by texting with Apollo.  Nene gets line of the night… “All this dick in Atlanta and you gotta text somebody else’s man, girl go on.”  PLONK!  Nene suggests a good ol’ fashioned ho down where all the girls can gather and Kenya can clear up all her bull shit.

Cynthia is having a rough day, her stomach is a little puffed up and she looks pregnant.  Cynthia apparently has fibroids and it makes her look bloated.  Peter has a simple diagnosis “put down the cupcakes”.  Ouch…Can we say “douchekebab”?  Cynthia has a good cry about her fat ass stomach and Peter encourages her to get to the doctor and look into having a procedure.  Cynthia is thinking she may need a hysterectomy and Peter is thinkin’ lap band.  She should just give him a swift kick in the balls and tell him she will stop sucking down cupcakes when he can stop sucking up her bank account.

Cynthia-tummy

Cynthia drops by Kandi’s house for some cheering up and to eat cupcakes without Peter breathing down her ass.  Kandi gives Cynthia the low down on Mama Joyce dissing Todd left and right and asks Cynthia for advice since her mother hated Peter.  Porsha arrives sporting a short wig and Cynthia notes that divorce looks good on her.  Phaedra isn’t a fan of the short wig, she says “small wig, small head, little brain.”  Phaedra is so exhausted by her newborn, she doesn’t even deliver her insults as smooth as cream cheese frosting anymore.  Phaedra starts dishing more Kenya dirt and claims that Kenya texted Apollo and offered to “do a Monica Lewinski”.

We get a glimpse into the mounting marital tension between Phaedra and Apollo.  Sidebar:  their son Ayden is ah-dorbs fawning over his new bro, Mr. President.

Mr.Pres

Apollo interrupts the “snig dig” between Phaedra and her assistant and they begin to debate about the décor in the house and each other’s taste levels.  Phaedra implies that Apollo isn’t working fast enough and Apollo infers that Phaedra doesn’t do shit.  Apollo slings on his backpack and storms out.

Finally, the shit show, during the last 10 minutes of the episode, which seems to be the formula for all of the “Housewives” franchises these days.  Nene escorts Kenya into a public restaurant to calmly address the little squad of horrors about her abhorrent behavior.   In true Kenya fashion, she dives right in about the text messages and holds her ground that they were not at all inappropriate.  Bottom line, Kenya and Apollo should not have been texting each other at all.  Porsha throws in her two cents and Keyna dismisses her like a pair of shoes from Payless.  Porsha blows up and pulls a Sweet Brown “ain’t nobody got time for dat!”  Pheadra brings up the fact that Kenya accused her and Apollo of having AIDS.  Kenya defends her comments because it was said at the reunion in the heat of the moment, when it’s customary to hurl vile insults.

Porsha and her sister Lauren are like “siamese cats”.  Oy…a collective OY!  Porsha not only moved in with her mother, but she kicks her out of the master bedroom.  Porsha has her $5,000.00 spousal support check and is happily leaping around, unloading her sequined Victoria’s Secret lounge wear into her mother’s closet.  Her mood is dampened when she receives a text from her lawyer saying that Kordell will pack up the rest of her bedazzled shit and light it on fire at the end of her mother’s driveway.  Porsha gives a speech about Karma having a name, being bitch, and it’s going to bite him in his big bubble butt.  I thought Karma’s name was, well, Karma.

Kandi stops by her old house, which she has apparently given to Mama Joyce.  Mama is still sporting her Joyce DeWitt wig from the “Three’s Company Collection”.  Mama Joyce keeps hearing word on the street that Todd is no good, but I think the more pressing issue here is why is Mama Joyce hanging out on the street where they talk shit about Todd?  We flash back to a therapy session where Mama was bashing on Kandi’s then fiancée, A.J.  Kandi confronts Mama about how badly she treats Todd, but Mama Joyce blows up about Todd being a free loader, Kandi pays for everything, but  Kandi assures her that Todd pays bills in the household as well.  Kandi also assures she will have a prenup but Mama Joyce combats, any prenup can be “sliced and diced”.  If Kandi chokes on a chicken bone, you bet your ass Todd is gonna tell Mama to get out!  So, we finally get down to the crux of the matter, Mama Joyce is worried that her gravy train is pulling out of the station.

MamaJoyce

Mama Joyce keeps listing all the reasons why Todd the freeloader sucks, while standing in THE HOUSE KANDI GAVE HER.  She plays the kid card and says that Riley doesn’t like Todd.  As if that were not low enough, she rags on Kandi’s ring, “it was only $7,500.00”, Todd should have gotten “a real ring”.  Yeah, well Mama Joyce should have bought herself a real house.  Kandi defends the ring she picked out and her choice to have a relationship with Todd, but Mama Joyce walks out and leaves Kandi in the empty room to lose her shiz.

The Wind Beneath My Bling

Welcome back ATL fans, buckle up your slanket because all the Hotlanta drama is back.  Each “wife” has a new tagline this season. 

  • Nene:  Success is in my DNA, when one door closes, another one opens.
  • Kandi:  Music may be my passion but family is forever.
  • Cynthia:  My business is beauty, and I’m the boss.
  • Porsha:  I am still standing and I’m making my own rules!
  • Phaedra:  A true southern belle knows her own worth and I am priceless.
  • Kenya:  People think they have me figured out, but I’m always the wild card.

Nene is fresh off her re-nuptials and now that “The New Normal” is shit canned, she is back in the ATL full time.  She is surrounded by Tiffany boxes, wedding gifts, and a rather disturbing, large self-portrait.  She opens up an Hermès plate she received from Teresa and Joe Goo-boo-chay.  I hope they purchased that post-petition bankruptcy or it can go straight to the Feds.  Poor Gregg Leakes, he trails after Miss Nene picking up scraps of wrapping paper as if they are pieces of his former self.

Nene-portrait

Porsha’s half-sister, Lauren, gives Porsha a pep talk prior to a meeting with her lawyer to prepare for the deposition.  Porsha’s attorney is none other than Randy Kessler, the same dude that helped NeNe divorce Gregg.  Porsha revisits how she was blindsided by finding out that Kordell was divorcing her via Twitter and she breaks down.  She wants to present a list of terms to Kordell in case he wants to reconcile.  Her lawyer agrees to consult with Kordell’s counsel on her request, but something tells me this crazy train has already derailed.

Equally blindsided is Cynthia, who is packing up the Bailey Agency.  Peter bought a warehouse across from Bar One and neglected to tell Cynthia for six months that he bought said building with their money.  Cynthia is smiling her way through it, but underneath you can tell she is seething and ready to skin his balls.

Kenya twirls into the agency and everyone acts surprised.  Apparently, Kenya has been in Africa and hasn’t had any contact with the crew all summer.  What a perfect opportunity for Cynthia to invite Kenya to the grand opening of the new warehouse space and reconvene with all the girls.  Kenya doesn’t even try to contain her disdain and launches into her bitch fest about how nobody reached out to her when she was being bounced on her stallion booty from her rental home and had to pack up her silicone butt pads all by herself.  Cynthia points out, bridges were burned and Kenya has no reason to be “salty”.  Kenya is also burnt up because Nene invited her fake ex-boyfriend, Walter, to her re-wedding.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it and tells her to talk to Nene about that.  Cynthia also notes that Kenya wasn’t even at the wedding, so WHAT THE WEAVE?

Meanwhile, Phaedra has welcomed her second child, Dylan, into the mix and they have moved to a new home in Buckhead.  Ayden remains the “little prince” and Dylan is “Mr. President”.  Oh, these two boys are going to soooo get beat up at recess when they start school.  The new home is also under major re-construction and it looks like an episode of “Hoarders” up in dere.  We get some shots of Phaedra in the hospital and she always has great things to say about her newborns.  Ayden was “eww gross” and Dylan is “just as pale as Michael Jackson”.

Todd Tucker has gone from cameraman to Kandi’s man and the two are now blissfully engaged and gainfully employed.  Kandi reminds us that a “sugar mama” she ain’t, in fact she wrote “No Scrubs”.  Mama Joyce is less than thrilled about the engagement and thinks Todd has ulterior motives.  Todd wants to meet the issue head on and have a sit down with Mama Joyce.  The love birds also discuss the descent of Porsha and Kordell and Todd thinks the “get fresh crew” messed up their relationship by trying to get Porsha to loosen up in Vegas.  Kandi disagrees, but they both agree that they will keep the “crew” out of their bidness.

Nene and Porsha meet for lunch and Nene tells us that she has taken wayward Porsha under her wing, since Nene is now a relationship expert.  The general consensus is that Kordell pulled a “queen move” by not discussing the issues with his wife.

Porsha goes to visit her mom after her deposition and says that Kordell was brutally honest.  Porsha wanted some closure on why he is divorcing her, but she isn’t getting any from her cowardly husband.  Her mother points out that he only came to see Porsha one time during the week she was in the hospital after her miscarriage.  Porsha is better off without him, but she can’t see that yet.  The rumors about Kordell being gay are brought up again and Porsha admits she was also questioning it.

It’s the night of the opening for “Industry Studios” and of course, it’s a white party, because Kyle Richards has taught us nothing.  Kenya shows up and she has clearly pulled the training wheels off the skankmobile.  She has on a white dress shirt tied above her belly button, lookin’ like a hillbilly.  Kandi has to cut and run to go do her radio show so she can avoid the drama.  Phaedra gets line of the night:  “Thank God for Derek J. and his hot pants and heels.  He whisked me right away from that beauty queen on baf salts.”  Instead, Kenya pries on Porsha about her divorce, but Porsha refuses to talk about it at the party.  Cynthia notices how everyone disappeared and she gets stuck showing Kenya and Lawrence around.

Nene and Kenya finally come face to face and Kenya whines to her about not hearing from anyone during her time of need when she was gone with the wind fabulous homeless.  Nene sasses her right back and decides to walk away from the cray cray.  Kenya follows Nene and confronts her about inviting Walter to the wedding.  Nene explains that Walter and Gregg are friends and basically tells her to step the hell off.  Kenya refuses to be dismissed and keeps following Nene around, blathering.  I swear, I can’t even listen to her without wanting to chainsaw someone’s insides.  At one point, Kenya grabs Nene’s ear and tells her to listen.  Dayum gurrrl, give it up before Nene “PLONK’s” you in that fresh nose job!  They go back and forth a bit and Nene lays it down “no BITCH will ever tell me who I can and cannot talk to!”

Nene-Gone_Wind

We get a li’l sampling of the season and it looks like there is going to be some New Jersey style brawlin’.