Front Pedaling Fracas

We begin this week with the party planning expert Dwight, who will assist Phaedra with Mr. President’s inauguration.  Phaedra wants it all done up, after all, she doesn’t merely plan parties, she plans experiences.  They will have secret service men in black, some red, white, and blue champagne, caviar, and a presidential flash mob with dancers.  This shin dig must rival Ayden’s “Sip-N-See” and Phaedra will spare no expense, little did she know at that time, she will need some hefty skrilla to bail her hubby out of jail.

Meanwhile, across town at Industry Studios, the warehouse where it looks like the type of place where you would carry out a hit, Cynthia and Peter discuss attending a Nene sponsored event, “Pillow-Talk.”  Cynthia briefs Peter about how Kandi threw down the “I know shit about Peter’s past” card at the winery lunch from hell.  Peter is interested in what Kandi has to say, but Cynthia wants to shut it down before it gets ugly.  TOO LATE!

Kenya and her aunt Lori go to the doctor so Kenya can find out just how dried up her ovaries are.  Kenya reviews the questionnaire and checks the “yes” box on the “have you experienced mental illness in your family” question.  The doctor tells Kenya that her tests indicated that she has diminished ovary function.  Well no shit.  Options include a conventional pregnancy, donor eggs, or a turkey baster party.  Since her “boyfriend” is busy, not existing in Africa, looks like Kenya will have to visit the sperm bank.

Turkey Baster

Kandi and her dream team are sitting around the Kandi Factory dreaming about who they are going to have star in the musical.  Kandi has secured Eddie Levert from the O’Jays, but Don Juan is against having Porsha perform.  Todd reads the script and recommends Christopher Williams.  Kandi starts to fill Todd in on the Christopher/Natalie drama and Don Juan smartly excuses himself.  He be like “I’m see ya’ like a baby born yesterday, I’m out!”  Kandi tells Todd about the “opportunist” word rearing its ugly head yet again.  Todd rolls his eyes and Kandi assures him that if anyone is “dating up”, it’s her because their relationship is so awesome.  Then she springs the news about attending the pajama pillow talk, soon to be the fiasco of the season, party.  Todd wants no part of it, but Kandi insists.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence arrive at Xytex Corporation, which is a sperm bank and Lawrence asks the receptionist for some “spare lube”, UH…EW!  Kenya drones on about how virile her African man is, but honey, he ain’t gonna do you a bit o’ good SINCE HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY EXIST.  Kenya accosts a handsome man, freshly emerging from the air nookie room, tucking in his meat and veg.  She is all over him like vomit on a Caribbean Cruise and she nabs his donor number.  Kenya is cutting up, she wants the speedy swimmer special, preferably from Michael Jordan or Obama.  The staff sits her down and allows her to list her non-negotiables.  Kenya reads her E-Harmony profile from her iPhone, intelligent, funny, affectionate, well groomed, no body odor, over 6’4”, pretty features, full lips, slender nose, green eyes.  The woman stops writing down her demands and they decide to have Kenya review essays written by donors.  Keyna rejects the first essay due to a grammatical error and then she wants to see the donor rooms.  She is all over the place, I can hardly believe she is serious about this.  The donor rooms are basically a chair, a laptop, instructions on how to punch the monkey into the proper receptacle, and then how to preferably wash your hands afterwards.

It’s the day of Dylan’s Inauguration and it’s on and poppin’.  The trumpets blare and Ayden gets out of the car dressed as Michael Jackson.  Phaedra emerges next, dressed as Minnie Mouse presenting Mr. President in a booster seat.  Apollo is ready to jump out of his skin throughout the event and the two snipe at each other throughout the entire scene.  Phaedra breaks out into dance with the governmental flash mob and she looks utterly ridiculous, but I have to give her props because she doesn’t give a shit.  Phaedra goes for a wardrobe change and Apollo continues bitching.

Mr.Pres-Innauguration

Flash forward to the Hotel Intercontinental Buckhead, and why we all tuned in tonight instead of watching those horrid Grammys.  Nene lights pink candles in preparation for her “pillow talk” party.  Nene says the goal of the night is to get everyone talking and break the tension.  Will it work?  All signs point to “NO” on my magic hate ball.  Cynthia arrives first so she and Nene can talk dirt, Natalie and Christopher are coming and Cynthia is wary about Kenya being there and she is concerned it could go off the rails.  Oh Cynthia, you slick harbinger.  We already know from the much hyped previews that this shindig goes south in a hot Atlanta minute.

The rest of the gang trickles in, but nobody is happy to see Natalie and Christopher.  Kandi thinks Nene is “geeked up” because she is bouncing around the room like a nut job.  Sidebar:  Nene is wearing some sort of mullet nightie that looks like a wad of used elephant tampons after being put through a blender, and lawd put some damn pants on!

Nene-Nightie

Kenya is late, but Nene is getting irritated so she gets started.  She asks the group very pointed questions in order to put people on blast and start the slow burn of the shit show.  She asks a question about being uncomfortable around someone you know your mate has had relations with.  Cynthia asks Peter, he at least has a sense of humor about it and says he hangs out with Leon all the time.  The next question is about having a partner who is bi-sexual, and Nene puts the interrogation light on Porsha.  Porsha gets line of the night and mad props for her clever answer, “you need to be Porsha-sexual if you with me!”

Kenya knocks at the door, but Nene slams it in her face.  Kenya trails in, lookin’ like a fairground stripper, with her hyper friend Brandon in tow.  Nene lays into her and lectures her about being late, but Kenya claims she had to pick Brandon up at the airport.  Nene goes on to the next question about men looking at other women, Porsha pipes up saying she would have a problem with her man going to a strip club and Natalie agrees.  Peter says they are “whack as f*ck” because he loves the strip club and he conducts “business” there.  Yes, the same kind of “business” they conduct at the Xytex Corporation.  Peter claims he doesn’t get lap dances, but Kandi perks up because she has seen him doing so at a club.  Kandi spills the beans because she doesn’t want to be put in a position where she would have to lie about it.  Nene tells everyone that due to her experience working as a stripper she knows what goes on at a strip club and the gloves are off (pun intended), anything goes.

Apollo must have had too much Gin-N-Juice, because he proudly jumps up and admits to blowing (pun intended) $5,000 – $8,000 at the strip club.  Just about everyone is appalled and Kenya suspects that the money comes from his “allowance.”  However, with the recent news about Apollo “check his charges” Nida, strippers in Atlanta everywhere are dancing around with someone else’s retirement money in their coochie cracks.  Christopher Williams offers his two dollars and says he can’t justify spending money on that because he grew up poor, besides the wiry, feisty Natalie insists she takes care of her man.  Nene decides to take the floor and confront Kenya about the stuff she said about Natalie being a gift certificate “common law” wife.  Christopher stands up and approaches Kenya while Kenya tries to clarify what she actually said.  Natalie starts yelling and waving her finger, “don’t back pedal now!”  Keyna corrects her as she gets up and walks toward her, “no this is front pedaling”.  Christopher puts his hand on Kenya’s arm and all hell breaks loose.  Brandon jumps to defend his keeper and Peter flies up to him and gets pushed like an Uncle Ben rag doll.  Careful, he could break a hip! 

Fight2

Peter pushes Brandon back into a bean bag chair and Apollo starts whaling on him like it’s a hot day out in the prison yard.  Gregg gets Christopher in a head-lock and Todd helps take him out of the room.  Apollo is going ape shit, attacking Brandon viscously, to the point where it’s downright scary.  Phaedra and Kenya are trying to pull Apollo off Brandon, but to no avail.  Production crew swarms in and eventually everyone is torn apart.  It’s a full-blown, bat shit crazy, pajama party pound down!  Where is Phaedra Sparks with her Tazer?  Where is ReDICKulous with his colossal, twirling, penis that leaves everyone speechless?  Where is SECURITY?!?!?!?!

Apollo-Fight

This fight might actually be worse than the New Jersey brawl – See “Italian Where it Counts”:  https://realityweecap.wordpress.com/2013/07/23/italian-where-it-counts/.  The only thing that kinda lightened the scene was the sight of Gregg standing on the sidelines going “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” and Chuck “Big Homey” Williams cowering behind his wife, Mynique.  In case you missed it:

Chuck-Hiding

Kenya says Apollo is “beating Brandon like he’s in his jail cell fighting for his virginity”, and that is no joke.  Nene started this whole ramshackle disaster and then she screams at Kenya, blaming her for starting it by getting out of her seat and charging at Natalie.  Everyone else is dispersed and process what happened.  Phaedra is lecturing Apollo and somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.  Apollo is compelled to rip off his shirt and mic and charge at Brandon again.  Assorted screams are heard and FADE TO BLACK!

The wives return on February 9th and the fisticuffs continues, Peter gets into Todd’s grill, Brandon has a broken rib, and Kandi gets crunk with Cynthia.

Swerve and Hustle, but Don’t Get it Twisted!

We kick off this week with Cynthia and Peter celebrating three long years of marriage at Bar One.  Nothing says “I love and cherish you” like celebrating your anniversary with your geriatric hubby in the failing bar where he squandered your short-lived modeling fortune.  Enter new wannabe friends on the scene, Christopher and Natalie Williams.  They discuss secrets of a happy and lasting marriage and it turns out that Cynthia is going to have to go 50 shades with grandpa.  Christopher speaks about his acting chops and how he has worked with Nene and Kenya, but Cynthia leads him to the Kandi pool of scumfuckery and forces him to drink the fresh brewed Todd bashing potion.  Natalie is more than happy to walk into that rat trap and she offers up the fact that Todd used to date a friend of hers and broke her heart.  Cynthia is all over this like a hobo on a rag soaked in mineral spirits.  “He was a cheater?” Cynthia exclaims.  Natalie, the willing, woeful goat responds, “he has a street hustle and don’t ever get that twisted, he knows how to better himself.”  Cynthia throws out that nasty word again, “you mean he’s an opportunist?”

Peter has bigger plans and he takes Cynthia, Christopher, and Natalie across the street to the Cynthia Bailey Modeling Warehouse of Horrors.  He has set up a surprise dinner for two and Christopher serenades Cynthia with a song that he wrote for Peter (about how he was broke before he met Cynthia.  Really, that is no joke).  Cynthia is holding back the tears for fear of ruining the contouring makeup on her nose.  Once they get past that awkward feeling you get when someone stands there and sings to you, the love-birds clink their champagne glasses to hopes of “better days”.  Good luck wit’ ‘dat!

Serenade

Victor and Don Juan meet with Kandi to discuss the play, Kandi informed the men that Todd quit because he felt it was too unorganized and he needed to go back to his “comfortable job”.  Don Juan ain’t happy because Todd had a lot of knowledge and experience with big productions and he is worried about Kandi spending $500,000 on this production, and that his paycheck might bounce.  Kandi has an extensive rolodex and money to burn, what could go wrong?  Don Juan equated it to something like throwing things in a rabid chicken coop.  This is about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  I am so bored by them, I can only focus on the gigantic tub of Double Bubble on top of the refrigerator.

Later, Kandi and Todd scout out the Rialto as a venue at $10,000 per day, but Todd gets a call from his new job and he keeps slinking away, because he’s so slick.  He ends up telling Kandi that he’s not feelin’ the new job and he wants to rejoin her team.  Todd explains that she has no script, no set, and no location and it’s trippin’ him out.  Sounds like Todd is more of a control freak, but now that he is back on Kandi’s payroll, I am sure every goat in town will be shouting “OPPORTUNIST” from the rooftops.

Nene drops by Porsha’s new home so she can check it out before eviction day befalls her.  They share some boxed wine in large tumbler glasses and Nene advises her that she is a hot diggity dog gone mess and she needs to hit the dollar store for some proper glassware.  Nene dishes on her visit to Kenya’s house and they laugh about Kenya’s imaginary oil tycoon boyfriend.

Kenya has her aunt Lisa, uncle Mark, aunt Lori, and her cousin Che over for dinner.  They sit down at the Lucite dining room table and as Kenya passes out two paper towels to each guest to use as a napkin, she announces that she is going to have a child.  They discuss pros and cons and Kenya’s aunt Lori wants more specifics, such as who will be the baby daddy.  Kenya has plans to go to a sperm bank and request the Michael Jordan special.  Aunt Lisa emphasizes the fact that Kenya needs time, patience, and proper paper products in order to care for a child, but Kenya feels a child will fill the emotional void caused by her own deadbeat mother.  That’s.  Awesome.  Perpetuate the dysfunctional cycle!

Cynthia, Malorie, Kenya, Nene, and Marlo “check my charges” Hampton (yes, she has made her reprise and she is as loud as ever) are off on a party bus to a vineyard.  Some friend of Nene’s is also tagging along, but she doesn’t say much because she is more interested in getting her drink on.  Meanwhile, Phaedra, Kandi, and Porsha toddle along on their own separate party bus because the trip interferes with Phaedra’s breast pumping schedule.  Really, it’s a production move so we can see the shady activity in the dueling buses of revulsion.

Party Bus

Back in the shady bus, the girls discuss Christopher and Natalie.  Kenya puts it out there that when she worked with Christopher, he said that Natalie is his “common law wife”.  “Groupie for life, but not his wife”, as she puts it.  Cynthia pins more Todd bashing on Natalie, who isn’t even on the shady bus of hell fire to defend herself!  WEAK MOVE CYNTHIA.  Natalie never called Todd a cheater and an opportunist, CYNTHIA PUT THOSE WORDS IN HER MOUTH.  Nene does a bad impression of Kandi and says “don’t talk about my man, my child, or my mama!”  Glass houses, Nene, glass houses.

Once at the vineyard, Natalie shows up by herself (shady production move) and the subject of conversation turns to marriage.  Kandi explains that she and Todd will likely go to the courthouse in order to avoid Mama Joyce objecting from the steeple of a church.  Malorie finally speaks and says that she and her hubby eloped in Vegas and they are happy as ever.  Natalie says she eloped as well and Kenya says she heard a “different version of that story”.  Kenya tells Natalie that Christopher calls her his “common law wife or girlfriend”.  Natalie argues that point, Kenya insists that it’s true and then says she wants to stay out of it.  Another weak ass move from a housewife who isn’t even a wife, stir the shit pot and flee the scene.

The group sits down for lunch and the focus turns back to Kandi.  Natalie pipes up about Todd.  Cynthia tells us there are three things she knows about Kandi, “you don’t come for her mom, you don’t come for her food, and you definitely don’t come for her man!”

Cynthia-3Things

Kenya says “oh you gonna go there?!”  Annnnd….it’s ON LIKE DONKEY KONG!  Phaedra whips out her breast pump and tells Kenya to shut the hell up.  Kenya throws out the opportunist card and Natalie denies ever saying the word and calls Kenya “lying pageant girl.”  While Natalie tries to clarify her comments about Todd, Kenya makes a shoveling motion with her arms because Natalie can’t dig her way out of this one.  Natalie says Todd had “a way of swerving” and he is “always on the come up in a better situation.” 

Swerve

Nene gives Natalie the buzzer noise “don’t water it down!”  Even li’l Porsha gets involved, pointing out that Natalie is pulling the same shit on Kandi that Kenya just pulled on her.  Get your head in the game, Natalie!  Have you not learned that these ladies are akin to rabid howler monkeys and they will eat your face off?

Kandi throws a dig at Cynthia saying she knows things about Peter’s past, but would never bring it up.  Ummm…you just did.  As Cynthia throws her some serious blue steel side eye, Kandi tells the group this simple truth:  “Bottom line, for you to say that Todd wants to date up, you just letting me know that you think I’m a hot bitch. And I am!  And it’s all good, and the buck stops here!  It don’t get no hotter, you’re right. Give it up for Todd – he came up!”  WORD!

BadBitch

Next week, it’s a wardrobe malfunction extravaganza as the Housewives brawl in their satin nighties.

Frenemies

Phaedra and Kandi meet up at the house that the Kandi Factory built, where butterflies fly and bulldogs eat salt and vinegar flavored Pringles.  Phaedra gives Kandi the low down on the Athens trip and Chuck, a.k.a. “the big homey”, and without any provocation whatsoever, Kandi laughs and says “guuuuurl, you mean the little homey?”  Phaedra delivers her classic line of the episode, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages, chile puh-leaze.”  Phaedra then explains Chuck’s “team concept” and Kandi recognizes that Chuck must be bringing up their names in order to make himself relevant, because they are two hot, poppin’ chicks and the window on his football fame is closed.  Phaedra recognizes his insecurities, that he is a pig, and she calls him a “light skinned Frankenstein”.  Chuck holds nary a candle to her foyne hubby, Apollo.  Even if he does wear a Charlie Brown backpack.

Phaedra-WeeniesCynthia is wearing her Diana Ross serious conversation wig, and she has a bright idea to host a trunk show so that Malorie can pedal her beaded wares and work up some skrilla and buy a one way ticket home.  Cynthia recounts her argument with Peter and she second guesses herself because she thinks she went too far and crossed the line.  I have to take back the props I gave Cynthia last week for having a backbone.  If anyone crossed a line, it was when Peter suggested he rent a jack shack across town to get away from her!  Peter walks in on the convo and Mal confronts him about starting in on her right out of the gate.  Peter throws Cynthia under the bus for not having a private conversation with him first, and Cynthia dives in front of said bus taking responsibility for her party foul.  However, Cynthia allegedly didn’t know Mal was coming either, or did she???  Dun, Dun, Dun!  Peter tells Mal he has no issue with her staying, but he and Cynthia are going through some issues.  Mal ties a brick to the accelerator of said bus by asking if “it’s a sex thing”.  Totally.  Awkward.  Cynthia promises Peter she will soon turn back into a seething cauldron of passion, which made him once question if he was merely a man whore to Cynthia.  I think she should stick to her guns and kick him in the balls, she just had surgery in her hoo ha region.  But hey, that’s just me…

Cynthia-Diana Wig

Kenya is on her way to the airport to pick up her dad.  She has successfully matched her dress to her lipstick, but life has failed her in the parent department.  Her dad, Ronald, starts criticizing as soon as his ass hits the passenger seat.  “You got your mama’s feet, they look like they got ash foot.”  They get into a hot debate about what constitutes an actual foot corn.  At this point, he shows potential to bring a bit of lighthearted humor to this hot mess express.  I may even be able to tolerate him sounding like Kermit stuck in a wood chipper, but as soon as he says he hates hardwood floors and criticizes the contents of her refrigerator, I feel that he must be banned from the show, and quickly.  Who goes around hating hardwood floors and refrigerated food?  A pure psychopath, that’s who!  Kenya sits him down on her ugly ass furniture to have a serious conversation about working issues out with her mother and Ronald shoots down the idea immediately, once again leaving Kenya emotionally stalled out like Bentley on blocks.

Porsha sits down with her attorney after the mediation meeting with Kordell.  Porsha and Kordell cannot reach an agreement and since they have no prenup, they may need to go to trial.  Porsha’s lawyer thinks she looks too fabulous to win anything significant in the case, but “fabulousness aside”, Porsha can’t put a dollar value on her heart.  Her lawyer mops the sweat from his brow, revealing that he hopes the settlement will cover his legal fees and then maybe there will be enough left over to provide Porsha a meager future in a van down by the river.

At the actual Kandi Factory, Kandi and Todd talk about the progress of her musical, but he discourages her from using her existing team on the play because they have never done a project of this nature.  Experienced people should be handling the play, oh and by the way he’s off to New York to interview for a job on an international traveling show and if he gets it, he will be gone for several months.  Kandi gets upset, but I am not completely sure why, this is after all what Todd does for a living.  And what better way to show everyone he is not an opportunist, by continuing to work in his own independent career?  I’m sure the underlying Mama Joyce tension is not helping and we will just write this one off to bad timing.

Cynthia and Nene arrive at Kenya’s house for a visit and Kenya is dressed in coveralls, pretending that the decked out gals are going to help her paint.  The ladies are more concerned about how Kenya can afford the Bentley in the driveway.  Cynthia speculates that she is selling a lotta booty videos.  Kenya insists it’s her mystery African man who takes care of her.  Dad Ronald is introduced and he starts the convo out on the sexist foot, he doesn’t believe that women should tell men what to do, it’s his way or no way.  Nene is appalled, but he leers at her like a creeper and tells her he would treat her like a queen, and then he exits stage left.  Any professional creeper knows, you gotta leave ‘em wanting more.  Kenya tries to jab Nene back by asking her why she won’t do Kandi’s play, after all the “New Normal” was cancelled.  Cynthia calls the play the “chitlin circuit”, whatever the hell that means, and Nene says she has no time for it, after all she just left a Ryan Murphy production.  Bitch puh-leaze, you gonna run into the same people on the way down as you did on your way up.

Phaedra and Kandi were traveling in the opposite direction to check out Porsha’s new digs, which are right in Nene’s back yard.  When Phaedra and Kandi get the particulars of the 8,000 square foot McMansion, Phaedra tells Porsha “you done lost your cotton pickin’ mind!”  Porsha claims it’s “motivation”, which is what she heard at the learning Annex the day Peter Thomas spoke.  Porsha tells her pals that the whole teenage texting thingie with Kordell didn’t really pan out.  They eventually talked, but all he gave her was an ultimatum to come home or deal with his attorney, therefore there is no way they can…ahem… “reconciliate” as Porsha put it.  Porsha wants to live in the overpriced Barbie dream bubble.  She likes living alone in the quiet, she is enjoying the silence of no furniture, no cable T.V., and no Kordell using Kandi’s sex toys.  Thank you Phaedra for the demonstration.

At Industry Studios, Cynthia and Malorie are setting up for the trunk show.  She has a few folding tables in a ginourmous space, a few cartons of box wine, some cocktail weenies, and brownie bites!  Cynthia Bailey knows how to throw an event as she orders her stylist to shuffle around the tables so that the jewelry can be featured on its own lonely card table.  Porsha and Kandi show up on time and Porsha tells Cynthia she moved into Nene’s neighborhood, but wanted to surprise her with the news.  Cynthia warns her that people don’t like surprises and Nene is not gonna be happy.

Malorie tells Phaedra that she is staying at Cynthia’s and Phaedra is taken aback.  Kenya senses controversy and inserts herself in the conversation, ready for her weekly meow down.  She has no qualms giving her two cents and tells Mal she is crack-headed crazy for popping in on Cynthia like that.  Mal goes on defense right away and gives Kenya the patented Jerry Springer “bitch, you don’t know me” speech and it starts gettin’ krunk.  Cynthia puts the kibosh on it, takes Mal to the side, and tells her to stop pissing off the customers.

Kandi tells Phaedra and Kenya to keep the lid on the fact that Porsha moved because Porsha wants to “surprise” Nene.  Kenya laughs when she hears the details of Porsha’s McMansion, Porsha must want to head to bankruptcy court also because “the bank won’t accept checks written in crayon.”  READ!

Nene arrives with her sidekick, Mynique, who looked like a tweaked out crack head.  She should be nervous now, these women will skin her alive.  Nene hones in on Phaedra’s snakeskin galoshes and can’t believe she is not in heels.  Of course, Phaedra must deflect the negative attention and can’t possibly keep a lid on a GD thing and she tells Nene she was in her neighborhood visiting someone and Kenya twirls in to say “oh you mean Porsha” and then she twirls away.  Nene starts her rant again, “Porsha is a bad friend!”  Kandi makes a beeline over to Porsha to warn her that the beans were spilled and “it wasn’t me!”  Porsha storms over to Nene right away, grabs her arm, and claims she wanted to surprise her.  Nene ain’t havin’ it and goes off on her, Phaedra slinks away from the shit storm she caused (hence the galoshes), and Kenya is reveling in it in her red curtain dress.  Porsha walks out in disgust, Cynthia follows, and Porsha breaks down.  Nene sees Porsha crying and comes over to basically say “sorry, not sorry, you still kinda suck as a friend”, but Porsha contends it isn’t about Nene.  Whoa.  Porsha is having a tough day and she is tired of being a people pleaser, which is a huge load of self-discovery for her.  Either there is more to this “bad friend” issue between Porsha and Nene, or Nene’s ego is just completely off the rails.  Kenya, sensing that someone else is finally finding their footing in life, decides to start yelling “It’s not a Porsha divorce party!”  Kenya then discovers that the box wine has run dry, even after you tip it, and she twirls across the street into oncoming traffic, but avoids getting run over.

Kenya-Street

Next week, Kenya announces she is going to have a child and more Todd opportunist accusations fly.

Not a Team Player

We start out with Kenya and Lawrence lunching and she is eating light because she is so broke, she can’t even afford a story line.  She yammers on about being Beyoncé and using a silk pillowcase to keep her weave tight.  She gives Lawrence the DL on the Savannah trip, with the focus being on Mynique and the Chuck Smith dirt.  We learn that Lawrence has not f*cked Chuck, at least not that one.  Kenya concludes that Phaedra was a “jump off” for Chuck since he didn’t put a ring on it.  Yeah well, Apollo did, and we flash back to the classic whirring breast pump “f*ck you get out of my room” moment when Phaedra shut Kenya down like a tilt-a-whirl with missing parts.  Lawrence points out that Phaedra digs up shit on others so that her own shit stays buried, which after all is what lawyers do!  Kenya cries out “Preach…preach…can I get an AMEN?!?!?!”  Yeah, that’s all you gettin’ this week.  NEXT…

Chuck has summoned Nene and Phaedra to meet for lunch and Phaedra is fashionably late because it took her 45 minutes and a catapult to get into her tight pants.  Someone get this woman a copy of the “leggings are not pants” memo!  Nene and Phaedra suspect that Mynique gave her hubby the scoop and that is why he wants to talk with them, but no, he asks them to come and speak to the Boys and Girls Club of Athens, GA.  Nene and Phaedra are relieved and the order up some appetizers and do a shot of “Sex on the Beach” to celebrate.  Chuck has lured them in with liquor and fried food…more on that later…

Cynthia’s sister, Malorie, is back on the scene to cause some hot holy hell.  No better time than when meandering around a bead store to drop an epic bomb on your sissy deedle…Mal will be staying in ATL for a while…in Peter and Cynthia’s house…for TWO MONTHS!  I’ll give you a moment to let that one sink in.  Cynthia admits that she hasn’t fully let go of the grudges from the past, Malorie offers an apology to start over and put it behind them.  Well played Mal, well played.  No sooner is Mal plotting where she will unfurl her Hello Kitty sleeping bag when Cynthia spills ALL the tea about Peter’s lofty expectations in the bedroom.  Malorie advises her to give it up no matter how tired she is.  Hell, Mal puts out two, three times a day, which leaves Cynthia’s vagina aghast.  I wonder what poor Malorie’s hubby is going to do for TWO MONTHS?!?!?!  I hope she got a Bedroom Kandi swag bag three seasons ago.  Malorie thinks the money woes between Peter and Cynthia are hindering their physical closeness.  No money, mo’ problems, no lovin’.

Porsha and her mother take the two small dogs to a pet shop to buy some absolutely ridiculous, bat shit crazy crap for the dogs.  Porsha takes the opportunity to tell her mom she is movin’ out of that hell hole and into a mini-mans with a bigger closet.  After all, she is 32…this from the woman who has her mama laying down the blue AMEX card for rhinestone collars, a “Chewy Vuitton” pillow, church dresses, and a baby stroller.  FOR THE DOGS.

Mama Joyce is back wit’ da’ cray cray and she is at the “J Spot” where Derek J. is styling her Joyce DeWitt wig.  Kandi pops by to pay the bill and discusses the plot of her musical in progress, which is basically a mama interfering with her fiercely successful daughter’s life.  Sensing the tension, Derek exits stage left to “take a phone call real quick”, even though no phone is ringing at the “J Spot”.  Mama Joyce tells Kandi she feels like she has a dagger in her heart and she has done too much for Kandi for too long.  Huh?  What effin’ planet is Mama livin’ on?  She plays the health card and tells Kandi that her doctor advises that she must let all of this go for her own personal health and “what little time she has left”.  Mama won’t expound on whether or not she has actual health problems.  Derek returns and tells the ladies that “this place ain’t that big”, meaning he can’t sashay around in his high heels anymore, pretending to give them privacy.

Porsha and her assister, Lauren arrive at an 8,000 square foot house, which his located in Nene’s neighborhood and is where Porsha will house all of her sparkly velour track suits.  Porsha’s brother and mother arrive and are shocked at the enormity of it.  Her mother is so enthralled with the size of the granite kitchen countertop, she decides to log roll on it, lookin’ like a big ol’ bag of mashed potatoes. 

Mama-Counter

Porsha’s brother questions the financial soundness of her decision to rent this large home, but Porsha has a plan.  This is a “believe in Porsha move”.  If she ends up out on her ass, it’s because of her poor decision making and not some talking head ex-husband.  Huh?  I believe in Porsha, I believe Porsha is an idiot.  I get it, she wants to go big or go home, but guuuuurl puh-leaze.  She tells the family that she talked to Kordell and he apparently gave her some bullshit about how he didn’t want the divorce and her ultimatum was to come home or fend for herself.  Her sister and mother pipe up at the same time saying the same thing, “that is the same exact Kordell that we don’t want”.  No, we don’t want that, but we do want to watch Porsha get evicted from the mini-mans in about 6 – 8 months.

Cynthia and Malorie have wandered away from the beadery and on to the tour of the new Bailey Agency.  Cynthia points out her pictures on the wall, her private office where she is plotting Peter’s slow death, oh and there’s Peter’s new car that he bought and didn’t tell her about.  Malorie puts that juicy li’l nugget in her back pocket and you can see the old ill will creeping back like a mystical, patchy fog.  Cynthia springs it on Peter that Mal is staying with them for a couple of months, claiming she had no clue, annnnnnd it’s awkward at best.  Mal plays the new car card and Peter tells her to mind her own bidness and Cynthia actually tells her to “shut up”.  At least Cynthia found a backbone, but Peter walks away in disgust calling them both “crazy as hell”, this convo ain’t over.

Nene, Phaedra, and Chuck drive to Athens, a one Dairy Queen town, to speak at the Boys and Girls Club.  They stop at said Dairy Queen to reminisce and gnash out a blizzard or two.  Phaedra remembers hanging out in the parking lot and all Chuck remembers was Phaedra’s “high ass” and Nene’s “skinny, long, legs.”  Does this guy know how to give a compliment, or what?

But it ain’t all rainbows and Orange Julius, once Nene and Phaedra give their very brief pep talk at the Boys and Girls Club, the two unsuspecting housewives have to ride back to the ATL with Chuck, legend in his own mind.  Now that he has both of the ladies trapped in the car, he brings up the post Savannah fall out.  He attacks Phaedra for giving Mynique the impression that they were boyfriend/girlfriend in the past.  Phaedra explains that she said they “dated” and that she was trying to be respectful of their marriage and not say much, which was the truth.  Chuck seriously has his panties in a wad over this, but Phaedra coolly chalks up his poor memory to all of the concussions he sustained.  In a masterstroke of douchebaggery, Chuck bulldozes Phaedra and claims she was fighting to make a name for herself and latched on to him because he was in his prime, they were the first version of “friends with benefits”.  Nene swoops down on this like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag, “so you had sex then”, to which Chuck says “aww hell yeah we did!”

Phaedra is clearly annoyed, but she maintains that they went on several dates and Chuck demands examples.  She says she went to many of his football games and he replies that he had “six girls stashed in the corners, you was just part of the team.  You and Kandi.”  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  He says she didn’t understand the lifestyle of a young millionaire at that time, and she was just part of a team.  Phaedra says she didn’t “sign up for no team” and she doesn’t appreciate him implying that she and Kandi are skanks, but Chuck keeps barking at her.  Trying to deflect the prickly situation (pun intended), Nene pipes in and says that Kandi was the one who went into more detail about her Chuckapades.  Chuck says that Kandi was dating multiple men and he lied to her to make her feel special because he liked Mama Joyce’s cookin’.  He took advantage of a “young girl who was hungry in the game”, but he was the “big homey.”  Phaedra reminds him that it was 20 years ago and “nobody wants your shriveled up ol’ junk” “I’m not trippin’ on you”.  Nene is visibly rattled and wants out of the car.  The only thing that could have made this scene better is if Phaedra whipped out her breast pump and gave it to Chuck because he sure is milkin’ it.  Nobody gives a f*ck, Chuck.

Homey-2

Across town, Peter the ticking time bomb, is looking for an escape route of his own.  Cynthia blasts him and tells him that she has to work, she can’t be the housewife, be there for him, pay for the bed that he wants to have sex in, be a mother, etc.  She bought into the “Peter Thomas Dream” and he better whip some puppies and bacon out of his ass!  Peter’s weak ass solution is to get his own bungalow across town so he can escape from her.  Maybe Peter should hang with Chuck at the “Big Homey’s and Egomaniacal Bankrupt Losers Club”.  The discussion escalates, because that is obviously a solution only a total ass hole would suggest, but I give big props to Cynthia for finally flipping the bitch switch to full throttle, pedal to the metal.  It’s about dayyum time!  Peter is furious that Cynthia shoots his idiotic man cave idea down, he starts yelling, swearing, and walks away.  And that is how you have a constructive marital discussion, people.

Next time, Phaedra dishes to Kandi regarding Chuck, the “big homey” and hits him where it hurts, “I don’t like bite size brownies and I don’t like cocktail sausages.”  Kenya’s dad is on the scene and Nene pisses off Porsha.

Tuck-N-Roll

The ladies resume their Savannah mis-adventures and chat over breakfast about many things, iPhone Face Time sex, Porsha’s a tattoo above her hoo-hah hut and a piercing in the biscuit (which she took out when she was pregnant) [insert sound of needle scratching off of record here].  Not to be outdone, Nene laments the cancellation of the “New Normal” due to low ratings caused by homophobic mom’s around the world.  New housewife in training, Mynique, is stunned by Porsha’s reveal, “wait, you were pregnant?”  Porsha explains it was a miscarriage, Mynique apologizes, and I remain astonished that the pregnancy is the flabbergasting detail here?

Cynthia decides to put her neck in the noose and shares what she is going through with her daughter Noelle, now that she is starting to date little man Arthur.  Cynthia has conducted a full background check, has fully deloused Arthur, and he has passed her test.  The parents are very involved and transport Noelle and Arthur on their “dates”.  Cynthia adds, “I’d rather be picking up Arthur, than picking up a grandbaby”, WORD!

Nene, in her most un-supporting role ever, vehemently declares that she is not in agreement with Cynthia’s parenting approach and age 13 is too young for children to date.  Kandi gives Cynthia some much needed back up and informs Nene that raising daughters is different because they must worry about teen mom syndrome.  Phaedra touts that she is glad she has boys, she only has to worry about one ding a ling, with girls you have to worry about every ding a ling!  Nene thinks that young girls these days are moving way too fast, she sees them at the mall, changing into mini-skirts and twerkin’ on tables at the food court!  Cynthia tries to muster up the strength to keep her cool, slamming her fists on the table, announcing she will “get crunk talking about Noelle”, but all the super model power in the world can’t save her.  She loses her shiz and leaves the table in tears.  Nene took things way too far and given her issues with her sons, she has no bidness judging Cynthia.  How quickly Nene forgets that her son, Bryson, was pretty much a sofa riding, mouth breathing, pothead, who was busted shoplifting Bic razors from the $1.00 bin at the defunct Wal-Mart, and has already fathered a daughter.

Cynthia-Tears

Kenya and Porsha scurry after sobbing Cynthia in an effort to comfort her, but neither of them have any parenting experience, so they draw on what little experience they have.  Kenya relates by sharing her plight of not having mother at all, and here Cynthia is doing everything she can for Noelle, being the type of mom she wished she had.  Porsha comforts her as well, and offers hope by way of reapplying her smoky eye, flying in the face of Nene’s ignorant comments, and just taking solace in the fact that Cynthia knows she has done a good job as a mother.  Back at the table of judgment, Nene is trying to garner validation from the others still there.  Kandi is neutral as usual, but suggests taking stabs at Cynthia’s daughter is off limits.  Mynique is nodding in approval, proving that she is Nene’s new lapdog.

The ladies seem to scatter about the mans, Kandi and Phaedra are starting prep work for dinner.  Kandi is wearing a halter, Technicolor maxi dress without a bra, ughh, chile please!  Porsha and Kenya finally have a rational talk and realize they don’t have to be at each other like cats in a pillowcase.  They know not what they do and they must be sympathetic to what others are going through.  Nene puts on her best flapper costume, visits Cynthia, and mocks her meltdown to be an asshole “keep it light and playful.”  Cynthia allows her to do this and Nene still doesn’t think she did anything wrong.

Meanwhile, it’s not all puppies and bacon elsewhere in the mans…Porsha is crying in her room because she peeked at Kordell’s Instagram and became reminiscent of her family when she saw a picture of Syre, Kordell’s son.  Nene flutters down upon her and gives her the worst advice ever and thinks she should contact Kordell.

Nene has decided that all these tears just suck and they need to go to a drag show.  Kenya’s dog, Velvet, is being flown in because she was sick, and because Kenya thinks they need another bitch up in this mansion, really?  Nene somehow encourages Kenya to talk to Phaedra about Apollo-gate and Kenya comments that it’s ridiculous, she doesn’t need to troll around prison yard for a man.  Yet she needs to hire a boyfriend so she can have a storyline on her first season…ummmm hmmmm!  Kenya brings Velvet into Phaedra’s room, Nene hears the dog had diarrhea and makes a sharp exit.  Kenya tries to start convo with Phaedra and give her another half-assed apology.  Nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my room” better than the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump motor.  In a masterstroke of bitchery, Phaedra pumps away, indicating that she doesn’t give one tarry shit.  She has children to feed, people to bury, and cases to try.

Phaedra-Pump

The ladies go to the club to see drag queen extraordinaire, Lady Chablis.  Because nothing promotes bonding like tucked back ding a ling.  Kenya implies that Nene is a drag queen because she meets all the criteria, but she is not sure if she tucks.  At the show, Nene gets her drink on and asks Chablis to teach her lap dog Mynique how to “read”.

Chablis

Editing would have us believe that the ladies returned from the drag show, sobered up, changed back into exactly the same hair, makeup, and clothing they had on earlier that same day, and then feasted on the dinner that Kandi and Phaedra spent all day preparing.  They should have invited Lady Chablis to dinner, that bitch could stand to eat a corn fritter.

Porsha announces that she texted Kordell and asked him to talk.  He replied “yes”, but asked what she wanted to discuss.  Kandi took the phone from Porsha and texted back “us” in response.  Porsha starts freakin’ out like a 15 year old trying to talk to a boy who put gum in her hair.  Maybe Cynthia should chaperone this texting exchange.  Kandi changes the subject and to discuss the autobiographical musical she is putting together and wants the girls to be involved.  Nene already knows she is wayyyy to busy and the whole conversation goes to shit when a flying cockroach sends everyone into full freak out mode.  Oddly enough, Porsha is the only one who keeps it together.  She corners the bug under the table, pretends it’s Kordell, and beats the shit out of it with a roll of perfectly good paper towels.

Porsha-Bug

Back in the kitchen, the ladies are all hammered again and they start reflecting on the weekend.  Porsha thanks everyone for their support and Nene lectures her about not giving support in return.  Kandi thinks Nene should draw up a friend contract so they understand what’s expected of them.  Porsha admits she has not been such a good friend at this time, but the girl is clearly reeling from this divorce, so maybe Nene shouldn’t judge her journey.

Next time Peter up to his same ol’ shit spending Cynthia’s modeling money, Phaedra rehashes her “friends with benefits” past, Mama Joyce plays the health scare card, and the outcome of the Porsha and Kordell summit.