Next Course Please

The fact that the big teaser all week was Claw-dia banging on a water glass with a butter knife should have been my first warning that this episode was going to suck balls.  And not just your garden variety, everyday balls, but big, hairy, sweat sock smellin’ BALLZ!

We waste the first 15 minutes with the gang jetting off to the Philippines, there is tension, and Claw-dia is wearing a giant hat from the Steven Tyler collection.  Phaedra is the bearer of great news, Nene can’t be there due to a “blood clotting issue” and she couldn’t obtain medical clearance.  Kandi must have had some inside info about the resort being vegan because she has smuggled some Panda Express onto the plane.  They are headed to a “detox resort”, translation… no meat, no booze, no fun.  They do get to make a pit stop at a McDonald’s in the Philippines for a McCatmeat on a sesame seed bun, and Kenya and Claw-dia flirt with a local dolt whose only hope is a fun toy in his happy meal.

Airport Arrivals

Meanwhile, Nene is in New York for a meeting with creative director on Cinderella.  Not much worth mentioning here other than the fact that he chews her up and spits her out like rancid McCatmeat after she asks if she can inject her own language and accent into her lines.  She wants to throw in her patented catch phrases… “chile”, “bye wig”, etc.  The director advises her to “use sparingly” like Vaseline.  We are kinda done and over Nene at this point in the episode, which hopefully tells us this season may be her last.

Claw-dia announces that Phaedra will get the largest room at the resort in an ass-kissin’ move to compensate for her recent Apollo strife.  It’s 6 a.m. in Manila and Kandi is ready to put on her night bonnet, the rest of the gang heads off to their respective quarters, but not some shade flingin’ first.  Kenya, Cynthia, Claw-dia, and Demetria (she’s still here?), declare that things are going well because the cancer that is Nene Leakes is missing from the group.  Kenya wishes Nene a “blood clotless week” and looks forward to having some fun.

Pheadra and Porsha discuss the spa treatments and have definite interest in the “Colema”, which is a caffeine enema.  Porsha is confused, will said enema give her a “true cleanout”?  Phaedra clarifies, “it’s gonna give you a BOOST…y’know cuz anything you put in your butt is going to take real fast.”  As if that was not line of the night, Phaedra later tells us in her one on one to the camera, “I don’t drink coffee but I’m sure my butt wouldn’t mind a sip.”

Later at 3 p.m., Phaedra and Claw-dia meet for a salad summit and Claw-dia shares a story about an annulment she went through in attempt to get Phaedra to open up, but the Southern Belle is shut down like an illegal day care center.  She claims she is “a private person…”, which is the perfect trait for a reality show cast member.

Phaedra and Kandi have some spa time alone to have their scalps and feet rubbed and to decide that their friendship is fine and they will “move forward…”  Later the gang has a yoga sesh where Kandi starts sawing logs like an Ax Man and astonishes the group by her lack of flexibility.

Kandi-Yoga

As they dress for dinner, Claw-dia reveals another bodily flaw of hers, which is “weak holes” … i.e., her earrings are too heavy for her lobes.  Claw-dia tells Demetria and Cynthia about her salad-side chat with Phaedra and that Phaedra actually cried.  At the dinner not quite from hell, assigned seating will be had by all so that we can “mix it up”, as if the impending drama was not already planned.  Claw-dia admits that the Bravo intern she snuck liquor and chicken into the resort, because they realized the no meat, no booze thing was backfiring faster than going commando while suffering from explosive traveler’s diarrhea.

Porsha is wearing her favorite color, short and tight, and the rest of the gang looks like something from “Three’s Company goes to Hawaii”.  Cynthia and Porsha are getting along and Cynthia comments “Porsha is a lotta fun when she’s off her leash!”  Something tells me that comment will come up at the 97 part reunion.

Claw-dia gives the opening toast, let’s move forward, blah…blah…blah!  Cynthia apologizes to Phaedra, who remains silent.  Porsha giggles and Claw-dia reprimands her with a “WTF” and notes that Porsha is having “Puerto Rico PTSD”.  Kenya mutters “she’s lookin’ for a moment like she always does”, which sends Porsha into orbit.  Then Claw-dia cracks the glass in an attempt to get the group to shut their chicken holes and allow Cynthia and Phaedra to finish their conversation.  Phaedra cooly sips her soup while throwing some serious side eye, “next course please.”  Kenya gets on the Phaedra is an asshole party train and explains that she has tried to reach out to her as well, but it goes ignored.  We flash back to that priceless moment during the Savannah trip, when Kenya attempted to clear the air with Phaedra, but only to be ignored while Ms. Parks pumped her breasts.  Because nothing says “f*ck you, get out of my face” like the rhythmic whirr of a breast pump.

Kenya decides that a private convo with Phaedra needs to happen and Phaedra acquiesces.  The ladies all cheer and break out into hysterics, laughing at each other’s asses.  Porsha does her milkshake walk, which Claw-dia compares to “a stanky leg with a loose knee.”  They all laugh and appear to be having a great time!  Imagine that!  Next week, the trip continues, Nene prepares to take the big stage and appears to have a meltdown, and Phaedra and Kenya finally make peace.

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It Ain’t Gonna be Kumbaya, Baby!

Grabbing her borrowed Birkin bags full of mental baggage faster than a blink of a false eyelash, we see Nene spin on her heels in her paratrooper onesie with Dr. Jeff trailing in her wake.  “We can’t work it out without you”, he pleads!  Nevertheless, Nene threatens his license for declaring “Attack Nene Day” a National Holiday.  While she runs off to angrily type up a BBB complaint on Dr. Jeff, he returns to the group like a defeated Jeff Spicoli “No dice…”

No Dice

The gang agrees to put a pin in the Nene portion of their discussion and continue on with the therapy work.  Porsha and Claw-dia discuss how they were bullied and Kenya plays her abandonment card.  Dr. Jeff explains that they if they cannot understand what baggage they are bringing into a relationship, then they have no power over it.  It is here, in the depths of airing their childhood despair, that Dr. Jeff has an epiphany, it’s all a big pissing contest between these hags and he really just wants to go home, put on his jammies, and eat some chicken wangs.  We revisit the whore calling on the Puerto Rico Party bus ride from hell and Kenya calls Porsha a “revisionist historian”, which I have to give Kenya props for pulling that one out of her back pocket.  After all, beyotch thought the Underground Railroad was an actual train.  In the end, the therapy sesh actually does some good after the exit of NayNay.  Kenya delivers a somewhat sincere apology to Porsha and she accepts.  Dr. Jeff points out that they may argue, but they don’t have to get hood rat ugly about it.  Oh Dr. Jeff, your optimistic naïveté is simply adorbs…this show won’t survive without the trifling arguments between these whorenados!  Bless his heart…meanwhile, somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive has legal on speed dial.

Group Hug

Kenya suggests they send Nene a video message thanking her for the idea of the therapy sesh and Kandi calls it an ass kisser move, “Girl, BYE!”  Dr. Jeff makes a final note that they can learn to handle conflict without losing themselves or their dignity.  They hug it out and Kandi agrees to record the corny video message, which will only further allow Nene to keep treating people poorly, now it’s just documented.

Nene is too busy to give a flying rat’s ass, she is rehearsing her Cinderella lines!  She has allowed Gregg some play time in the yard because she needs him to listen to her ills.  Nene feels she has already apologized enough, but it never occurs to her that she has to keep apologizing because she never stops acting like a crusty asshole wearing a bad wig.

NayNay-Zero Phucks

Later, Kandi and Todd meet up with peter and Cynthia at the Bowlmor to shoot some pool and some shit.  Peter orders a stiff drink to turn it aaaaallllll da’ way up.  They are glad the group made amends during the therapy sesh, but Kandi is still shocked that even Dr. Jeff was hip to the issues between she and Phaedra, when Phaedra has yet to say a word to her.  Kandi put it perfectly, “If you’re having a problem with our relationship and you don’t tell me, WE don’t have a problem, but YOU do!”

Alas, Phaedra has bigger fish to fry than to worry about her former Ace Boon Coon, Kandi.  Phaedra has a sit down with Sarah Jakes, daughter of famed Bishop T.D. Jakes.  Phaedra wants to pick her brain about how she came to terms with the end of her marriage.  Sarah explains that she was “robbed of the ability to be vulnerable in her marriage” and that’s when she knew she was in a bad spot.  Phaedra finally breaks down and sheds some synthetic tears.  Phaedra confides in her that she doesn’t really have close friends to talk to about this and Sarah warns that if she keeps stifling her emotions, feeling numb will become her new normal and she will look like one of the corpses she embalms.

Later, Phaedra drops by Kaplan Family Law wearing a faux fur capelette, as if she is off to a roaring twenties bible study group.  Counselor Kaplan notes that Phaedra’s prenup is air tight, but the kids are a concern.  When discussing the demise of the marriage, Phaedra points out that there was no longer a meeting of the mind and Apollo was more interested in drinking and breakin’ da’ law-n-shit.  Kaplan poses the question of seasons 2 – 6, “there were loads of other men you could have married that didn’t spend any time in prison, how did you marry him knowing he was in prison for five years?”  Phaedra admits that she thought he was a changed man, thought that he loved her, and she believed in him.  Phaedra got Phooled and now she finds herself cleaning up a “trail of madness”.  Right now the parenting plan is paramount, and Phaedra may have to face facts and take the boys to see their father in jail.

Phaedra-Divorce

In less interesting goings on, Kenya is having a table read for her first script of “Life Twirls On”.  She runs around, acting like she is in charge, and thinks her poorly timed Ray Rice jokes are “landing”.  Brandon pretends to supervise, Cynthia can’t act her way out of a paper bag, and Kenya suffers from delusions as she says “watch out ‘Two Broke Girls’, here comes ‘Life Twirls On’!”

Claw-dia contacts Dr. Jeff for a Skype therapy sesh so that she can root through her issues like a pig rooting in shit.  Dr. Jeff suggests that the women go on a Bravo mandated trip from hell.  Somewhere in a penthouse office located at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, a Bravo Executive is signing a bonus check for the good doctor.  We see Claw-dia in her one on one with the camera while wearing a white dress with her hair dyed one color, brushed, and looking nice.  She can obviously look descent if she puts her mind to it, so I still don’t understand why she spends a majority of her camera time looking like a low-rent hooker on the third shift stroll.  Dr. Jeff summarizes their discussion by telling her to plan a trip, but be wary… “It ain’t gonna be Kumbaya, baby!”

Claw-dia tells Kenya and Cynthia about the Philippines trip and figures she’ll throw in a free demonstration of what “tea bagging” is on Cynthia’s forehead…in case you missed it:

Tea Bag

Cynthia and Kenya later stop by “Tags”, where Kandi is toiling away trying to figure out why her inventory isn’t moving.  The girls feign interest in child-sized pleather coats, but the underlying agenda is to discuss the trip prescribed by Dr. Jeff.  We are treated to a flashback scene of Claw-dia and Porsha having a meeting of the mind and playing nice in the sandbox.  They decide each will inform their respective teams that they are headed to the Philippines for a make-up sesh and caffeine enemas.

Next week, the Thrilla in Manila where the main event is a staged break through between Phaedra and Kenya!

Hearts of Darkness

We begin this week with the ever domestic Porsha preparing a “just add water” frozen meal kit so she and gal pal, Phaedra, can catch up on all the latest dirt.  Phaedra is all about the Cynthia bashing, stating she was throwing hand signals and she’s all “about ‘dat life”.  She can’t understand Cynthia’s hostility, after all, even Phaedra’s mother supports Cynthia by “purchasing clothing from the plus size catalog that Cynthia models for.”  BURN CYNTHIA…YOUR EXPLODING ASS AND ALL!  Okay Phaedra, as if you should talk, you have far surpassed muffin-top region and entered into busted can o’ biscuits territory.  Phaedra goes on to claim she has dirt on Cynthia and Peter, but “no one is going to put out a story about fibroids and dry vaginas.”  The two say grace over their plate of Hamburger Helper and pray that it be calorie free.

Kandi suggests she and Todd begin their homework assignments given by Dr. Sherri and they start with the pro and con list.  Todd rolls his eyes and says “that was whack!”  Kandi lists a con for Todd, he’s mad all the time and won’t let it go.  While Todd’s con for Kandi is that she won’t deal with a damn thing, which explains why he’s pissed off all the time.  When asked to list a pro – Todd is completely stumped and then weakly busts out with “very family oriented”.  In the same breath, he mutters that he “has to get to a meeting”.  Kandi seems to be familiar with her own cons, “won’t deal with her mom”.  Somewhere in the ATL, Mama Joyce and her sisters are throttling up their “told you so” wrecking ball.

Across town, Nene shows up at Phaedra’s looking like the bride of Frankenstein was caught in a catfight.  Maybe she got a jolt when she was trying to wrestle Gregg back inside the electric fence.  The ladies discuss the hilarity of waving pocketbooks over Brazilian meats, but Phaedra has no remorse, she was “on the run” after Apollo went HAM (Hot Ass Mess) in her garage.  How dare Cynthia have the audacity to talk such foolishness!  Phaedra is no longer “on the run”, but she has a severe case of the sads.  She has to turn to Nene for support now that her “ride or die” BFFL Kandi has been MIA.  Of course Nene uses the opportunity to showcase what a great friend she is, but Phaedra doesn’t realize that Nene is in the “NFL” (No Friends Left).  If Nene were such a great friend, she would give Phaedra some guidance on her earring choices.

Nene-Frankenwig

In more Kandi-land dysfunction, Kandi drops by Phaedra’s lawyering playhouse to find out what the beef is between them.  Kandi can’t speak to her ol’ pal without her voice rattling.  They chat a bit and Phaedra explains that Kandi was not there during her time of need when Apollo went all HAM before he went Ass-under.  Kandi explains that she was dealing with the trauma of the death of her dream, “A Mother’s Love”, and she had the chore of laying off masses of third-rate actors.  She had to stash what little millions she had left under her mattress and find a way to move on.  Phaedra pretends to be sympathetic, but there Kandi goes again, putting her career and money before those who are closest to her.  They eventually get back to the script and agree to move forward.  When asked if she will participate in going to the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, Phaedra replies that she doesn’t need to be around “these dark hearts”.

Meanwhile, Claw-dia is contemplating suicide as she discusses attempting stand-up comedy with her co-worker Gary.  Claw-dia can be mildly amusing at best, but she does not have the constitutional fortitude to make it as a stand-up comedian.  She feels stifled on the radio show, however Gary explains that Ricky Smiley is the star and she should abort any ambitions of being the comedic relief.  Stay in your lane home girl, Ricky got ‘dis!  In this segment, we see Claw-dia with a new look for her one-on-one with the camera, and she has a black dress and wig and finally looks descent.  If she can look that nice, why does she walk around looking like a skank who fell ass backwards in the clearance bin at Forever 21?

Later, Claw-dia meets with her pal, Luenell, who comes in the bar lookin’ like a low-rent Miss Cleo.  She hoists herself up on the bar stool and she has to “manspread” so that her gut has a place to hang.  Luenell pulls no punches, she doesn’t like the Rickey Smiley show, Claw-dia should jump off a cliff before attempting stand-up, and Lu needs her drink so badly that she can’t take a moment to take the wrapper off her drinking straw.

Claudia-Lu

We later see Claw-dia do a practice performance at the “Uptown Comedy Corner” and by the looks of their sign, it appears the place is located in a third rate strip mall that has massive potholes in the parking lot.

It’s time for the group therapy session with Dr. Jeff and the last 15 minutes of the show.  Dr. Jeff forewarns Nene that she will be “held to the same standards as the other ladies”, translation = I will put your ass on full-blown elephant hose blast.

Claw-dia is wearing her “fix it Jesus” earrings to protect her and Kandi copes by hitting the buffet.  Nene starts the group off with her chief complaint, which is that “we hear all this stuff about being a grown ass woman, but the woman-ness has not been displayed.”  The whole thing goes completely off the rails before Kandi can even get to the dessert table.  Kenya reflects back on the drunken laughing between she and Nene at the tavern when they agreed to be friends, then during their next encounter, Nene looked at her as if she had the deadly Ebola virus.  Nene is sitting by Dr. Jeff as if she is a facilitator and not part of the issue.  Her plan is to keep the candy bowls full while Dr. Jeff works is magic and tells everyone else how wrong they are.

Nene-Dr.Jeff-2

Dr. Jeff drills it down and tells Nene that it isn’t that tough to admit that you were working toward a friendship, and you actually had… like… feelings.  Nene goes on defense toward Dr. Jeff, “you don’t know me like ‘dat!”  Now we have reached DEFCON 3 –Jerry Springer level.

Kandi-stunned

Claw-dia confronts Nene for giving her the cold shoulder and calls it a bi-polar experience, which sends Nene over the edge.  Dr. Jeff’s solution to control this seething cauldron o’ crazy… “let’s not mix apples and oranges”.  Well, isn’t that what we are doing here, Dr. Jeff, Master of the Obvious?  None of these ladies should be, or would be, friends outside of this show.  Friends don’t let friends tear out each other’s weaves.  It’s time they all admit defeat and forgo the Bravo paychecks.  Dr. Jeff asks the group to be “very careful with our words”, or they will all be in a time out in the corner.  Cynthia apologizes for her part in things that have caused a rift with Nene and she goes back to the dreaded charity event where Nene called Peter a bitch.  Kandi joins in by airing her grievances, stating that Nene throws friends away as if they are worn-out, soiled wigs.  Nene goes complete DEFCON 4 – Maury Povich level, and feels attacked.  She calls Cynthia a mean girl and sarcastically asks “did you find your voice yet?”

Dr. Jeff tries to summarize by saying that there were some very strong friendships that have fallen out and Nene pulls the ripcord on her paratrooper jumpsuit.  Attack Nene Day has officially come to an end, brace for impact!  Dr. Jeff gets on his Dora the Explorer walkie-talkie and radios his Psychological SEAL team “secure the perimeter, we’ve got a runner!”  He follows her out to the freight elevator and we are left with “To be continued…”

Nene-Bye

Next week, Nene threatens Dr. Jeff’s license and Phaedra files for divorce now that Apollo is ass-under.

Salute to Ignorance

I don’t like filler, I don’t like it in my Brazilian meats, I don’t like it in my new pocketbooks, and I certainly don’t like it in my housewives.  Alas, that is what we have this week… a whole lotta nuttin’ goin’ on!

Cynthia tells us about Peter’s greatness and his upcoming “Salute to Excellence” awards dinner.  Many people don’t know that Peter Thomas is the co-creator of “Source Entertainment”, which spawned the prestigious “Source Awards”.  Well, my “sources” tell me that this can’t be much of a deal, ‘cuz Papa Smurf be broke all da’ time!

Meanwhile across town, Phaedra and Porsha meet up to rehash the swingin’ pocket book over Brazilian meats event and Porsha calls Kenya a dawg for getting involved, but “a dawg gonna do what a dawg do!”  Phaedra is now pissed at Cynthia and thinks her change in attitude is due to becoming “Ace Boon Coons” with Kenya.  Interesting sidebar:  They bleeped out “Ace Boon Coon”.  There’s not much happening here, Porsha coughs and says she has Ebola, to which Phaedra responds “Girrrl, not the Ebola!”, if only…

Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherri to get some counseling so they may “adjust” to being married.  Todd looks like he would rather have a back alley colonoscopy performed by David Duke than be in this therapy sesh.  After the usual hemming and hawing between these two boring dolts, Todd brings up his agitation over the prenup.  Long story short, the money/work thing is causing tension and it’s showing up in the bedroom (or lack thereof).  Kandi is still suspicious of Todd’s doings in L.A. and she says “Whatever is said in the dark, always comes to the light.”  Dr. Sherri gives them some homework, which consists of a date night and there will be no phones or social media allowed.  She also advises them to create a pro and con list about each other, which has great potential to backfire.

Kandi-Todd-Counseling

It’s the night of Peter’s big “Salute to Excellence” event, which is fairly un-eventful.  Claudia shows up with her boobs poppin’ out, Kenya looks like a giant banana peel, Demetria has a bumble bee thing goin’ on, and Kandi looks like she smuggled a bushel o’ peaches, or two, under the back of her dress.  Cynthia is the only one with any sense of style, too bad her social skills don’t match her shoes.  Peter is standing around, acting like a douche in general, saying “Cynthia’s ass has exploded since she moved to Atlanta.”  Just for that, I think she should take him out for some Brazilian meats and swing away with her handbag.  Kenya brings up the confrontation with the crazy “bag lady” and Peter immediately excuses himself to find Todd and make a mad-dash to the bar for a refill.

Awards-Ladies

Peter asks Todd if Apollo told him about Phaedra’s alleged affair.  Todd confirms he knew about the texteses as if it were yesterday’s news (and he gets line of the night) “yeah, he came to the house with color copies”.  Color copies, as if the printing job from Apollo’s li’l ink jet that could, added to the veracity of the texteses.  Then to add fuel to the fire, Todd explains that Kandi also saw said color copies!  Insert dramatic “dunt dunt dunt!” music here…

Dun dun dun

Meanwhile, Kandi staves off the wild bobcats and tells them she ain’t gonna pick sides and … what affair?  Cynthia, of all housewives, tells Kandi she should be calling Phaedra out for wrongdoing even though “she’s your girl”.  Saved by the dinner bell, they sit down for the banquet and Kandi whispers to Todd that she has been “kicked out of the circle”.  To take her mind off the evil conspiracy, she is called up to the stage to receive a “Salute to Excellence” bullshit award.  She gives a speech revering Peter and Kenya sarcastically tells us that Kandi should win an award for “the most loyal friend everrrr!”

We circle back around to Nene who is full on with her ramen noodle toupee.  She visits Dr. Jeff, the Psychologist who gave her and Gregg some prior family counseling.  Nene discusses the housewives with the good doctor and invites him into the circle of death.  Dr. Jeff salivates at the thought of the large paycheck a session with this group will surely yield.  He forewarns Nene that he isn’t going to co-sign on anyone’s bullshit and he is not afraid to put an ass on blast!  Little does he know that he may have met his match and he may not come out of this psychological threshing machine alive.

Nene-Dr.Jeff

Speaking of ass blasting… Cynthia summons Phaedra for a meet and mend so she can explain that she was just following the script.  Phaedra, being a Christian woman, has agreed to attend, but is sadly expecting an apology that will never come.  Cynthia attempts to lay out some ground rules about “having a conversation”, but she makes no sense as usual.  She defends her actions and then these two hyenas get into banter back and forth where they wield the phrase “fact check” like a sawed off shotgun.  Phaedra can’t take it anymore and declares “court adjourned”, buh bye, take several seats!

Phaedra-Seats

Kandi is milling around in her “Tags” boutique, she figures she should pay attention to her other bidnessess, now that her musical has officially failed.  Right on cue, in walks Mama Joyce to whip off her overnight Depends® and take a ginormous dump on Kandi’s day.  Mama has fixed up the old house, but now she wants to stay there and will not be moving in to that disposable new house that Kandi just bought.  Oh and by the way, you suck, you’re so critical, and you never come around.  Hmmm…Mama, it ain’t rocket science here.  She doesn’t come around because you are crazier than a Walmart wedgie wielding crack house rat and you are an endless pit of negativity!  Wait for it… Kandi’s voice starts shaking as she tries to address her mother, then Mama comes out with a lousy peace offering by way of the key and garage door remote to the house that Mama doesn’t want anymore.  How ya’ like me now?

The last 15 minutes are the most critical, the dinner table of death at Uncle Julio’s.  Odd items to note:  Kandi rolls up in a huge white Ford F-150, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I have never seen her in a pickup truck.  Porsha is channeling Carmen Miranda, wearing a banana yellow crop top and skirt, and Claw-dia and Demetria are present for who the hell knows why.  Everyone is in place, except for Phaedra and Kenya, who weren’t invited to this life-sucking waste of time.  Nene begins addressing the group and Cynthia has had a bit too much salt with her margarita.  She keeps interrupting and combating Nene and Kandi mutters “let’s not start” as she stuffs a quesadilla in her mouth.  At the end of the day… Cynthia is all in for the group therapy with Dr. Jeff, but Kandi doesn’t think she needs any part of it because she can simply eat her feelings.  Nene convinces Kandi that she is going to have some nasty splinters up her ass from riding that fence that will likely become infected.  Kandi rolls her eyes and caves in like the li’l wishy-washy mogul she is.

Kandi-Agrees

Next week, Nene sports a Bride of Frankenstein wig and an ill-fitting jumpsuit, Kandi confronts Phaedra about their rift, and then – in the most SHOCKING twist EVA – The therapy sesh with Dr. Jeff goes off the rails when Nene is called out and she storms out!

The Meat of the Matter

Apollo kicks off this week with his last public appearance before he “goes asunder”.  What is he trying to say here?  Maybe ass-under… at any rate, there will plenty of time for him to read the dictionary while he’s in the klink.  Oy vey, I think I speak for all RHATL fans…good riddance!

Phaedra has moved out of her hotel suite and returned to her Apollo-free home and plans to have an “exorcism” to cleanse the home of all evil demons, menacing power tools, and random buckets o’ hinges.  Sidebar:  In her one-on-one with the camera, she has a new look and it’s not a good one.  While she was swinging from the chandelier with her mystery man (more on that, later), it looks like she became entangled and decided to just work it as a statement necklace.

Phaedra-Necklace

Apostle Thaddeus Canada and his wife Chanda Canada have been summoned to cleanse Phaedra’s home.  When the ring the doorbell, Ayden says it must be “bumblebees or strangers”.  He is too cute for words.  They go about their cleansing bidness, but if Phaedra truly wants to cleanse the home, she could start by removing that ridiculous Phine Booty poster.

Phine Booty

Thaddeus sprinkles some holy water around each room and finishes up with a fix it Jesus.  The house is, at last, blessed.  Ayden follows them around and he be like “WTF you doin’ to my crib?!?!”

Cleansing House

Later, Kandi checks in on Phaedra and apparently, the two have fallen out of touch.  However, Phaedra notes that Nene has been extremely supportive and calling Phaedra on the daily, but not warning her about the dangers of wearing flimsy jumpers with pockets on the boobs.  Phaedra updates Kandi and states that she was about ready to light Apollo up “wit dat 357”, but she didn’t want to have to waste embalming fluid putting his ASS UNDER!

In Kandi Koated fantasy land, where clearly no HR Department exists, Kandi decided to have a “mock Kandi Koated Nights” with Carmon and Don Juan as the audience, rather than have a private, adult conversation with her husband.  She confronts Todd about their lack of spice in the bedroom and Don Juan makes some inaudible, odd comment as he leaves the room, something about a cocker spaniel??  At any rate, Kandi begins her hard-hitting journalistic interview and asks Todd if he has “been grinding”.  Not sure what that means…is he making fresh brewed coffee?  Has he been shredding a variety of hard cheeses?  Ugh… Todd explains that he hasn’t been interested because of Kandi’s “bonnet”?  I am not sure what that means either, is it a shower cap to protect her weave?  Is it like a role-playing costume?  I can’t get my brain around this discussion in any way.  AT THE END OF THE DAY…Todd agrees to go to marriage counseling.

Cynthia, Kenya, and Claw-dia meet up to taste some wine and spread some chocolate flavored gossip on a cracker.  Cynthia spills all the tea about text-gate 2.0 and sums it up by saying Apollo showed Peter some texts and Phaedra is allegedly in love with a mystery man, Mr. Chocolate.  We are given a retrospective clip show of Phaedra being a big Phat liar.  The lies may stay the same, but Cynthia’s hair is ever-changing.  Kenya is absolutely mortified, how dare Phaedra call her a whore, when all the while Phaedra was whoreing around her own self!  Summary:  the Whore-pocracy must cease!  But what we are all forgetting here is that Apollo is about as trustworthy as gas station sushi and he could be completely fabricating this whole story just like he did regarding text-gate 1.0.

Kenya-Shocked

For the confrontation dinner of death, the girls meet at Brazilian steakhouse, Forgo De Chao.  What better place to attempt to squash the beef, than a place that serves up an endless supply of meats.  After all the ladies arrive, they are getting their meat on, Nene brags about her life on Broadway and Phaedra comments that she is “just livin’” and she gives a jaunty, albeit suspect, grin.  Cynthia decides this is the perfect time to get to the meat of the matter, TEXT-GATE 2.0!  However, Cynthia is clearly not cut out for confrontation, “so we’re just going to put it out on the table… a lot was said… um about your situation… so if we’re not going to put it out on the table… um it is what it is.”  Cynthia’s attempt was so pathetic, that Kenya decides to put her dick out on the table and put Phaedra on full-blown blast.

Can someone get Kenya a plunger, ‘cuz this beyotch loves bringing up old shit.  She is still trying to vindicate herself from text-gate 1.0 and when she accuses Phaedra of having an affair, Phaedra actually jumps up and lunges at Kenya with her pocketbook.  What happened to the tazer gun, Phaedra Sparks?  I think this situation would have been a perfect time for a promotional product placement!

Phaedra-Lunging

Claw-dia starts waving her giant wooden cross earrings, FIX IT JESUS!  Phaedra pulls back her pocketbook of destruction (not to be confused with the Mama Joyce Wal-Mart wedgie of death), regains her composure, and walks out with Nene and Porsha at her heels.

Claudia-Earrings2

Kandi snarfs down a few more slices of meat before heading out to support camp Phaedra.  The rest of the gang trails out of the restaurant and it looks like there will be a patented Bravo Mexican standoff in the parking lot.  Kenya accuses Phaedra of calling her a whore to serve as a smoke screen for her own shit and Phaedra’s response is “Bye bye, take several seats.”  Nene goes after Cynthia for bringing it up in such a pathetic manner and Cynthia looks at her like “but that’s what the producers told me to do!”  Nene comments that Cynthia “Is messy as hell” and she should just keep to her day job “having pageants at Wal-Mart!”  Nene decides she is done with this mess and shuts the convo down like an illegal day care center.  Phaedra hops into Porsha’s Batmobile and they speed off into the night.

Next week Kandi and Todd visit Dr. Sherry for counseling… It seems Kandi knew about Phaedra’s chocolate side dish… and Phaedra and Cynthia face off.