It’s day two at 8 a.m. at the quaint Villa for wayward housewives, Eva surveys the women for coffee, but even the Wigs-n-Cigs wig is tore up from the floor up. They all look like they just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus. SBS is aching from sleeping on a cot next to a barred window. She is envious of Prison BAE, for he sleeps on a pillowy bed of ramen noodles.
Kandi and 50-Cynt seem to be the only survivors from the night before, they are all fluffed, freshened, magnetic lashes in place, wig glue secure, and ready to start the day. 50-Cynt admits that the Villa leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a bit like online dating, everything looks better in photos and may or may not have a clandestine girlfriend behind the secret door masquerading as a book shelf in the library. Porsha arrives at the table, ready to re-hash the 3 a.m. feeble attempts to fulfill items on the bucket list. We are treated to iPhone footage of the women twerkin’ at 3 a.m. – Bravo intern, take note… this is the kind of footage I can get behind. As the ladies arrive at the table hangry, several li’l mini-eruptions are flaring like a river of hot, ferocious, magma! Notably, Eva who is not too keen on Shamea asking her about her sexuality, especially when she’s involved with a Mayor to be. Marlo lectures that the truth shall set everyone free, unless you’re backpedalin’ Porsha.
Nene saunters in and announces that everyone will be moving to a hotel, but first they will tool around Barcelona in mini-cars as 50-Cynt has planned. They board the Mercedes-Benz party-bus to netherland and 50-Cynt requests an update on the bucket list challenge. Nene claims she ate a salty ball with hair on it, again — where is this footage, Bravo intern?
Marlo did a slut dance with her ass out as seen in the 3 a.m. footage (in other words, a typical Tuesday night). Marlo challenges 50-Cynt to kiss Kandi with tongue, but Kandi is minding her manners after drug-drag-rape-gate last season. SBS is fully committed to love before, during, and after lockup and will not tongue anyone other than Prison BAE through the plexiglass, let alone be sloppy seconds! However, in desperate attempt to win favor among these unstable skanks, Porsha is on board with being dirty thirds. 50-Cynt proceeds to rinse out her mouth and then sticks the tip of her tongue in Porsha’s mouth, and ends up licking Porsha’s teeth. Porsha is freaked, good thing she flossed. Ummm… eww. I don’t know why this marks some sort of astounding accomplishment in life, but the girls have gone wild. The indoor irrational skank voice modulation issues are at an all-time high. As a sidebar here, 50-Cynt is wearing a tee-shirt that has names of supermodels, “Cindy, Naomi, Linda…” and she has written in her own name with fabric paint she found for $1.00 at Hobby Lobby.
They arrive at the go-car rental place and no sooner than 30 seconds out of the chute, Porsha crashes into the back end of another go-car. And I don’t mean fender bender, I mean full on crash, her front end is wedged under the back end of the other go-car.
She cries faulty brakes and they let her get into another go-car with her 10” stilettos. Seriously ladies, would it kill you to put appropriate footwear on yo’ dayum feet for these activities?!?! Can we get some Crocs… STAT!
As they tear up the town it starts raining and it’s a housewife freak-out of epic proportion. They make a pit-stop at a huge market that carries every food imaginable and alcohol as far as their American eyes can see. Porsha tries to order Hennessy and Coke in Spanish, Nene thinks “to hell wit’ it” and orders an entire bottle of Absolut. Porsha tries some octopus and deems herself Baby Vegan on the Backslide – yes backsliding right into the tentacles of the drama. Nene wants to discuss the whole Wigs-n-Cigs situation and she tells us for the 189th time that those were water bugs. Nene is also upset that Porsha and SBS didn’t stand up for her. SBS agrees to be the one who gon’ check Wigs and her red Solo cup, Boo… and she will tell Wigs her behavior is not cool. Eva looks generally, low-key annoyed at all of this.
Nene makes light of the cock roach accusation and states she did have three roaches and she named them, Wigs, Brielle, and Kroy. Aww Nene, two wrong tweets don’t make a right – keep it classy, bitch! Marlo starts riding Porsha about confronting Wigs, but Porsha isn’t playin’ monkey in the middle. Nene and Wigs will “cut each other down to the white meat and then two minutes later be BFF.” That’s probably the smartest thing Porsha has ever decided in her adult life, other than walking out on that blind date.
Marlo must have had too many self-serve Absolut shots because she is way off the rails and yelling in Porsha’s face. Nene actually comes to Porsha’s defense and tells Marlo to take it down a level or ten, but Marlo will not let the door mat that was too small, slide by without a proper match. Porsha becomes emotional because the door mat was a gift from her mom and it has sentimental value. Can I say this is the dumbest argument in the explored universe?
Turns out the petty door mat argument is just an appetizer before the main course, Marlo decides it’s her duty to insert herself into the stale situation between Porsha and Kandi. Uggg… Marlo, you’ve been picking up your gossip at the outlet mall because honey, this is sooooo last season! Marlo tries to drag Kandi into it, but Kandi wants no part of this mother*ckin’ shakedown. Porsha starts to lose it and she’s waving her collapsible fan in Marlo’s face. Marlo tries to rip it out of her hand like a swift, effective, killing machine. She scares everyone to their utter core, they all jump up, and Kandi reminds everyone that they do not want to be arrested in Spain. They high-tail it out of the market as security surrounds them, but Nene is sure to grab her bottle of Absolut! We all have flashbacks to that reunion where Porsha snatched the scepter out of Kenya’s hand, but let’s hope Porsha can channel her three anger management lessons so it doesn’t end the same way.
The group separates into two factions, Marlo keeps going on and on, everyone wants her to shut the f*ck up as the police are now trailing them. Porsha says “she puts the “low” in Marlo” and claims she has some dirt about Marlo, which Nene told her in confidence. So… She will cryptically dangle that li’l carrot out there and keep it to herself, until she doesn’t.
The best part of the episode is when the ladies arrive back at the ramshackle Villa and 50-Cynt gets her wig caught in the door knocker and almost loses her wig. As the ladies retreat to their respective cells to gather their commissary items, Porsha wanders down to Nene’s cell block. She announces she’s feeling too beat-down and will be exiting Barcelona, stage left. Nene gives her best try at a pep-talk, but fails. Porsha would rather spend time with her family instead of trying to win-over this parade of unstable slut-tards. Porsha whips out her iPhone and asks Siri to draft a resignation letter to Andy Cohen. Nene accepts her decision and feels a bit pumped-up to step into the “big sister” role. Who woulda thunk there are two sensitive, caring people under all that wig glue and contouring? The more you know, the less you ho!
Next time – Marlo puts duct tape on SBS boobs for some godforsaken reason, 50-Cynt takes a ho-bath and calls it being baptized, Nene sticks her foot in her mouth regarding Prison BAE, and riots in Barcelona scare the wigs off the ladies.