Emily Postal

The ladies from the ATL head out for their African adventure and Cynthia is making home videos of her and Nene with no makeup on, why I do not know, but excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with bleach.  After a 16-hour flight, they land safely and meet up with their tour guide and of course, Nene and Marlo are lagging behind with their enormous loads of luggage.  Apparently, they left their common sense back in the states because they can’t figure out the elevator.  Phaedra arranged for a penthouse for the night and everyone should have their own bedroom.  Marlo starts ranting about how she must have her own bathroom.  Phaedra is starting to get pissed off since Tagalong Marlo wasn’t even invited, she should be glad she has a place to stay at all.  Marlo decides to start asking etiquette questions and giving lessons.  The ladies find this hilarious given her criminal past.  “I doubt very seriously that Emily Post has a chapter in her book on aggravated assault,” said She by Shereé.  Nene is taking sheer joy in how annoyed Phaedra and She by Shereé are.

Once in the room, She by Shereé cracks a joke about how hard it will be to divide the group into the two suites, so she suggests that she and Nene share a room.  Once Nene realizes she is kidding, they bust out laughing.  Hmm…could this be the start of healing their relationship?  Marlo is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ bitch to the concierge by demanding to know the housekeepers’ names, schedules, cell numbers, and medical histories.  Marlo must think she is Diana Ross or some shit.  Definitely a Diva-Don’t!

They start the next day with breakfast and Marlo continues her etiquette lessons and acting like she is living the life of the rich and famous.  Call Robin Leach out of retirement, Marlo is in Cape Town.  Cynthia actually had a good jab at Phaedra when she commented on Phaedra’s hot pink robe from Marshall’s.  Phaedra presents each of the ladies with a gift, except Marlo.  Of course, she doesn’t have a lovely engraved mirror for Marlo because Phaedra didn’t know she was coming.  She by Shereé already set up a dinner at her friend Kevin’s house and she only invited Phaedra and Kandi.  This whole breakfast scene is AWKWARD!  The Talls do a duck and move inside and start trashing the Smalls and Cynthia wasn’t anticipating shade so early in the morning.  For a full definition, see Season 2, Episode 7, “Throwing Shade”.

Meanwhile, back at the Barbie Dream House, Kim and Ariana continue to fawn over baby KJ as Kim’s parents arrive to make turkey meatballs for them.  Joe tells Kim about the heart-to-heart talk he had with Kroy and how happy he is for Kim.  Kim seems a bit annoyed by him and Ariana lets the goat out of the barn and tells Kim that Kroy is planning to buy a diamond ring.  This is all a bit anti-climactic since we know the two love-birds have already tied the knot.

The Smalls are on a bus waiting for the Talls to go on a boat ride.  The Talls finally arrive and the conversation on the bus ride centers around the group being divided.  They board the yacht and watch the sunset.  Kandi briefly discusses Apartheid with Phaedra.  And of course, being her normal drain on society, Marlo starts her etiquette shit again.  She discusses how to stand up properly and of course, she can’t do it and falls back in her seat.  The ladies go down into the cabin and Marlo starts in on Kandi saying she is unfriendly and blew her off at the mall.  Cynthia takes the opportunity to start in on Phaedra, but concedes that since the “double-date” all is good in da’ hood.  Nene follows suit and starts in on Phaedra too, but they are not sure they even have a beef.  Phaedra points out that “Hi costs nothing and we should be able to say hi.”  Somewhere Miss Joyce is stomping her wig wondering why she couldn’t get these twisted bitches to say hi to one another.  Cynthia gives a last call for issues and Marlo throws Nene and She by Shereé into the ring.  Nene talks about how she and Marlo just clicked.  Looks like Cynthia is being replaced.  Don’t worry Cynthia, it won’t be long before Nene pulls a bob-n-weave and has Marlo on the ground with her size 42 Loubouton heel thorough her Adam’s apple.

The Smalls are preparing to go to dinner at She by Shereé’s friend’s home.  Kandi asks the other smalls what they thought of the boat conversation and Phaedra says it was interesting, but adds that “I ain’t no booty licker…I don’t like salty butt.”  Uggh…they all agree that Marlo doesn’t know how to shut up.  Cynthia invites the Smalls to Nobu with the Talls even though they have plans.  She by Shereé decides to make it reeeal wild and invites only Tall Cynthia to Kevin’s since she is not joined at Nene’s hip.  Of course, Cynthia can’t leave well enough alone and she rushes back to the Talls and spews it all.  Marlo charges back over to the Smalls and goes mug shot crazy on She by Shereé and makes some comments that she really shouldn’t have.

The whole thing totally erupts and results in low blow after low blow.  Nene jumps in the middle to try and stop it.  She is so appalled and questions her own actions and if she looks that ridiculous during her arguments.  Yes, Nene, you do.  They have surpassed using indoor irrational skank voices.  Phaedra compares it to Mayweather vs. Pacquiao and She by Shereé would be Mayweather.

 I will quickly recap the argument:

“Fake and phony!”…“I didn’t know you were coming!”

“You don’t call me, what I gonna do?”…“That’s why you don’t have a man, go hang with those f**** with your ugly stupid ass!”

“Don’t go there honey…80 year old man!”…“Where’s your house at?  You got two cars no house!”

“You got condo and Astin Martin”…“Bitch paid for cash”

“You were at Onyx with drug dealers”…“You don’t know what I got”

“I don’t have to f*** to get bags and have old man pay for my house!”

“You returned yours!”…“One Rolex?  One Rolex?  One Rolex?”

“Your tag on your shirt, honey”… “Shut up Marlo!”

“Aston paid in cash, not repo’d not repo’d!”… “Mercedes paid in cash, not repo’d!”

“Paid in cash by 80 year old married man!”

“Not married, not married, not married!”

“Would you like to meet him so you can come up?”… “Maybe get your house built before you buy a new car.”

“You f**** a billionaire and you ain’t got a house!”

“I don’t have blow-up mattresses, my bed custom made”

“Everybody at Nieman Marcus talks about how you return stuff”

“You got it twisted honey!”

After that it just sounds like 10 pigeons being microwaved.  On a scale of one to Phaedra, this fight is an 11.  I have to give props to She by Shereé for giving Marlo the bidness.  Doesn’t Marlo know not to mess with her?  Heck…She by Shereé even has a hit single about how tough she is:

We will be back in a couple of weeks for Round 2!

Rocky Mountain Highs…and Lows, and a Side of Texas Toast

American Idol is getting away from it all in Aspen, CO tonight.  Steven is getting a headache from the altitude and he is asking if anyone has an “aspirin”…wink, wink.  The fans are out in droves and DAWG is hopeful that the fresh air will bring some fresh talent.  First up is a young snaggletooth music teacher, Jenni Schick.  Oh, big surprise, she’s in love with Steven.  She prods OHRS for a kiss and as we recall from last season, OHRS is a germophobe, so there is no way he’s laying his lips on her.  Who knows where her “Schick” has been.  She is dressed like an extra in a White Snake video and she tries her darndest to flirt with Steven, bound and determined to get that kiss.  She gets three yeses and of course, a rather disturbingly open-mouthed kiss on the lips from Steven.  Oh my precious Steven, I love you like cooked food, but I hope you did a herpes check.

Next up is Curtis Gray, a moppy headed young man who sings in his own band.  Judges love him and put him right through.  Richie Law is up next and is reminiscent of Scotty McCreary.  A very strong, low voice.  Devan Jones is next, and has a much higher voice, reminiscent of Seal.  Mathenee Treco delivers a version of “Hey Jude” that gets the judges singing along.

Tealana Hedgespeth (I’m sorry already) and her twin sister are at the auditions, but only Tealana is trying out and she is ready to break out from her sister’s shadow.  She is terrible and JHO whispers to Steven “if you ask her for another song, I’m gonna kill you.”  She is singing “Somebody Bring Me Some Water” and Steven and DAWG hold out their Coca Cola cups.  They tell her how cute and funny she is, but the singing isn’t there.  Her relatives tell her she’ll always be their idol.  Aww…I am sure she is amazing in her own special way, but that bumble bee yellow romper wasn’t doing her any favors.

Haley Smith is up next, she’s a log cabin girl and she’s got summer teeth.  Some are here, some are there…She has three jobs, the one most interesting is she is a vegetarian that works in a meat department making sausage.  OHRS asks her what’s in the sausage and she says “ground everything” blechhh.  Anyhoo, the judges lover her, she’s different, and she made it her own.

Alanna Sneer is up next and works at a restaurant which serves Rocky Mountain Oysters, which she explains are bull testicles.  Blech…can’t be any worse than the sausages Haley makes.  She sings terribly and Steven asks her if she has “eaten those prairie oysters”, which is a totally different thing…JFGI.  (Just F*ckin’ Google It).  She wants to sing something else, but they shut her down like the Golden Corral after a health inspection.

Shelby Tweten takes the stage next and her backstory is that she is bi-polar and suffers from depression.  Singing is the one thing that helps calm her…JHO goes crazy for her and DAWG sees potential.

We are treated to a string of bad audition clips, but up next is Jairon Jackson with an original piece he wrote himself.  He has a sweet voice and judges like his voice.  Yes, yes, and yes.  Angie Zeiderman is next, and she thinks she is the next Lady Gaga.  She calls herself a “Vintage Glitter Queen” and she attempts to wow the judges with a show tune.  She gets through and DAWG says she’s definitely in her own world.

Magic Cyclops is rounding out the Aspen stint.  He announces that he had to leave Davenport, IA due to gambling debt, he has 11,000 air guitars, and he only has 20 minutes before the security guards from the mental institution come a lookin’ for him.  Looks like he only has about 10 minutes before the crystal micro-dot wears off and he has to get back to running the Tilt-O-Whirl at the local state fair.  He belts out some Neil Diamond and it agitates the DAWG so much, he leaves to go take a dump and Steven must show him the door.

Houston, TX is the next stop for Idol and the first contestant is star struck by Steven.  Phong Vu is his name and sucking ass is his game.  He sings “Unbreak My Heart” by Toni Braxton, which is one of my favorite songs, and he totally slaughters it.  It’s like watching an animal being tortured.  Steven tells him he’s got the passion, but not the voice.  He wants to show them his iconic moves, but no dice.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comments on how sweaty he is as Phong is handling him.  You can bet OHRS bolted off stage and had an immediate flea dip.

We are treated to a royal parade of cray cray and a bunch of Scotty McCreary wannabes.  Skylar Laine is up next and she is apparently an outdoorsy girl.  She rides a big ATV, she hunts deer…she shoots, she scores.  Judges love her and she’s in.

Baylie Brown is back, she tried out five years ago, but crashed and burned in the group auditions.  JHO has no hesitation and they all vote YES.  Kristine Osorio is up next and all her hopes and dreams are riding on this audition.  She gets right through and Texas is on a roll…

JHO is riled up because the boyz keep rejecting singers that she likes.  Linda Williams struts her stuff and Steven loves her.  Linda says she’s about to pee herself and Steven tells her “go right ahead.”  JHO thinks she’s in the twilight zone, the boyz are all over this chick.  The hair and makeup team descends upon Steven and JHO and DAWG is just standing around…because Black don’t crack!

Next up is Alejandro Cazares, as he is picking his teeth, he can’t wait to blow the judges away.  He’s riling up the crowd before he goes in, he’s ready to bring revolution to the world.  They tell him “NO”, but he begs for a chance and wants to be like Steven.  Alejandro makes a comment about how Steven wrote “Dream On” before Aerosmith even formed.  DAWG shoots him down and tells him the voice is terrible, no career in singing for you.  Steven finds the opportunity to sling one of his jokes and says he wrote “Dream On” when the dead sea was still sick.  Uck uck uck.  This guy is so bat shit crazy that security has to escort him out.  Since they are in Texas, Dr. Phil is standing by to snap up the mental hot messes becasue he needs guests for his talk show.  I think he might say something like this to our revolutionary Alejandro:

DAWG and Steven are going crazy over JHO in her belly shirt.  Hey, she’s not tied down to Skeletor Marc Anthony anymore, she needs to have a little fun.  They settle in for the first up, Cortez Shaw.  DAWG prematurely holds up his diva hand and JHO smacks him down.  Cortez butters DAWG up just right and he is through.

Julie Shuman is next and let’s just say, this is really where the rubber meets the road.  Her rubber outfit is making so much noise with every move, and she’s terrible to rubber boot.

A few more wild and sloppy auditions give the DAWG a case of the giggles.  Steven is wiping his face on OHRS’ tie.  They need a miracle…Ramiro Garcia is up next and we learn that he was born with no ears and he went through several surgeries so he could hear and speak.  Judges are spellbound.  Outside of the audition room, OHRS comforts the father when he gets emotional.  Ramiro gets a golden ticket and we end in Houston on a high note.

It’s a Wrap

Nene pays a visit to Marlo, our resident socialite convict and Nene says she is impressed by Marlo because she gave Kandi and Kim shit about being a Big Mama or dating a Big Papa.  I called that one, she only likes Marlo because they hate on the same people.  Marlo is giving Nene the tour of her condo and they go into her closet so Marlo can flaunt her shoe and handbag collection.  Nene’s comment about Marlo is “When I walk into a room, I own it.  When she walks into a room, she almost owns it.”  Nene can’t help herself, she even has to slam her own sidekick.  Marlo insists on giving Nene one of her Chanel bags, but Miss Nene only accepts lavish, inappropriate gifts from greezy pizza parlor owners.  Nevertheless, Marlo and Nene are instant besties, just add Moscato and watch them grow!  They sit down for a lovely lunch made by Marlo’s chef that she likely hired by the hour just to impress the VERY RICH Ms. Leakes.  Nene starts planting the seeds of her evil plan in order to recruit another mean girl to accompany her on the Africa trip and Marlo bites.  Nene’s plan hatches like rabid sea monkeys and Marlo is totally down for the trip.  She sends her lackey to go pluck $10,000 off her big fat money tree in the back yard.  Nene has her plan cookin’, “talls against the smalls.”  Sidebar:  I give this newfound alliance about a week before something goes horribly awry.

Kim is cookin’ up a plan of her own to lose weight with an intensive wrap that will just melt away all the fat.  It costs $150 and she hopes to instantly lose 5-10 lbs.  Kroy expresses how he thinks it’s totally bunk, but Miss Kim feels droopy and she just needs a pick me up.  She gets measured, marked, and wrapped and the woman wrapping her pays special attention to her ass.  Then Kim has to hop around on a mini-trampoline for an hour.  Brielle is fascinated by it and wants to know if she can get wrapped, by the looks of Brielle in her bikini, she certainly doesn’t need it and when the hell did she get boobs?  Kroy tells her as soon as she’s ready to talk about doing things around the house, she can get a wrap, but the thought of that shuts her up immediately.  Kim Tut is pushing puppy Chanel around in a baby stroller like a moron, but hey, the pounds are melting away.  Kim has lost 10 ½ inches total from her body and she is so excited she wants to order a pizza.

 While all of this nonsensical madness is going on, Kandi arrives at the gym to meet her trainer and he weighs her and drills her about her eating habits.  He about has a stroke when she admits to eating fried food.  She reflects on the Miami trip and all the shit Cynthia and Nene gave her about her thighs.  The trainer takes her outside and puts her through all of these drills, the kind of workouts that will make a person throw up.  Looks like Kim Tut and Kandi have the same approaches to life, Kim wants the fast, easy route and Kandi…well Kandi just works hard.

Cynthia is trying to pack for Africa and she asks Peter for help, but all he wants to do is give her shit about leaving.  Cynthia has been to Africa before, but she was a poor, starving model back then and she didn’t get to see much.  Peter is brooding that his wife is going on their honeymoon with Nene and Cynthia clearly can’t wait to get away from him for 10 days.  Hey, Peter…remember that train you spoke about last week?  How about you ride out on that train you came in on?

Phaedra and Apollo are getting ready for dinner and Phaedra tells him about Marlo’s 7 mug shots.  Phaedra doesn’t like to hang out with people that have long rap sheets, except for her hubby.  She is wary of Marlo now and she is frustrated that Apollo doesn’t seem to give a shit.  Phaedra hopes the Africa trip will give Nene a much needed attitude check and if not, maybe someone will kidnap her in the brush and she will never be seen or heard from again.

Nene and her assistant, Andre, meet up with Marlo to shop for the Africa trip.  Nene admits that she and Marlo are label whores and they are having a great time shopping.  Of course, as Nene’s trusty sidekick, Marlo starts talking about the trip and rips on the other ladies.  Nene goes to pay the bill and much to her chagrin, they have racked up $10,000 worth of merchandise.  She tells them to take back the diamond necklace.  Geez, Nene, this ain’t the damn A&P.

The NFL lockout is over and Kim and Kroy go out for dinner to have a nice evening together before his departure for training camp.  They enjoy a frothy margarita and Kim is excited because she hasn’t had a drink in a year.  They chat about Kroy leaving and Sweetie’s abilities to be an assistant and help with the baby are called into question.  Kim is a bit emotional and they talk about skyping so they can keep in touch, but he tells her there will be no naughty skype.  Kroy tells her that he rigged the security cameras so that he can check up on her remotely from his computer and Kim is a bit creeped out, but he tells her it’s for her own protection.  Meanwhile, back at the Barbie Dream House, Kim’s crew is setting up a surprise for Kroy.  Her parents and Sweetie are lighting about 500 candles, running a bath, and sprinkling rose petals around.  Kim starts banging on the door, but Sweetie is too busy lighting her skirt on fire.  Kim isn’t worried about that so much, but she is pissed off that her surprise for Kroy was botched.  They finally have some alone time in the bathroom, and in walks Kim’s dad.  What the hell is this?  He starts lecturing them about being good and Kim reminds them that psychic Rose did predict another baby.  I don’t know how they can have any quality time after that, but hey, where there’s a Kim there’s a way.

The Smalls are en route to the airport in their separate vehicles.  Kandi says she has a bad feeling about the trip…hmmm…ya’ think?!?!  Ugh…well we made it 47 minutes in before we had to see the likes of She by Shereé, but there she is in her hot pink Forever Lazy.  All the Smalls are looking kinda frumpty-dumpty at the airport while waiting for the Talls.  Phaedra reports that Nene is definitely coming so Kandi wonders how this is going to fly, or not…

Kim and Kroy have their farewell Chick-Fil-A meal as they prepare for his 30-day departure to camp that’s only 40 minutes away.  They are acting like he’s going off to war.  Kim should be happy that he’s at least going to be working again.  How else will she pay for those wraps?  As he pulls away, Kim realizes she is locked out of the Barbie Dream House.  I would venture to guess Sweetie locked her out.  Hell, I would!

Nene rolls up to the airport and they are beyond shocked to see Marlo.  Phaedra looks downright appalled and She by Shereé wonders how Marlo could leave the country being that she is on parole.  Kandi says she “didn’t get that memo”.  Phaedra is clearly annoyed, but she plans to make the best of it…she says “the more the merrier, just a little more spice in the gumbo.”

Let’s Just Pretend the X-Factor Never Happened, MMMKAY?

American Idol season 11 is here, we are treated to a montage of small toddlers watching Kelly Clarkson take the first AI win, and it was then that dreams were born.  OHRS (Our Host Ryan Seacrusty) has emerged from his hyperbaric chamber to once again host us through the journey.  Steven is back with craziness in full force, JHO with her skimpy outfits, and last but not least our DAWG.  The last of the original Mohicans.  We start the search in Savannah, Georgia and singing hopefuls arrive in droves to wow the judges.  Steven arrives lookin’ like a catfish, tranny, eccentric pimp, but let’s just be grateful that he’s got the moobs under wraps.  In case you missed it…

First up is David Leathers, a.k.a. “Mr. Steal Your Girl”.  Now the young lad says he’s 17 years old, but he looks about 12.  At first I thought it was Astro from the X-Factor, but thank goodness it’s not.  I’ve had enough of him…but anyway…he’s floating around the holding area trying to be cool and pick up girls, but he just doesn’t fit the part.  He apparently competed with Scotty McCreary in a local contest and he won.  Maybe this kid can blow…we shall see…he tells the DAWG he gets his nickname because when he sings, the girls swoon.  Something Steven can surely relate to.  He sounds like young Michael Jackson, they all love it, three yeses!  He actually seems like a really sweet kid.

Gabby Carrubba is up next and she’s shakin’ like a Mexican washing machine.  She is a tap dancer to boot.  Well if she doesn’t make it here she can try out for “So You Think You Can Dance.”  She chats with OHRS about Steven’s facial expressions and they contemplate what he sees in his head when he closes his eyes…a squirrel waterskiing, a hula hooping monkey, a fat guy getting shot in the stomach with a cannon ball, the possibilities are endless.  She goes in to the audition and wants to hug Nigel Lithgoe.  I called it, “So You Think You Can Dance” is her backup plan!  She busts out some Maroon Five and she gets the face of approval from Steven.  They all love her and she is through!

A few more Georgia hopefuls get through and the city proves to be a success.  Jessica Whitely is up next and she has a very odd speaking voice and a horrifying singing voice to match.  She sounds like Grover from Sesame Street…wow…just wow!  DAWG looks like someone just blew the cheese off his cracker, not pleased.  Everyone is speechless and DAWG tells her it’s awful and this is not her thing.  She thinks she is just dehydrated, DAWG tells her it’s not remotely good, and she says “see you in Texas”.  JHO feels bad and wants the Fox intern to tell her not to make the drive.

Some contestants are vying for Ryan’s job and they are doing some impersonations.  A contestant name Shaun shows up looking like a Ryan wannabe, but there’s nothing like the real thing.  Judges gave him an A for effort and sent him on his way.  Shannon Magrane shows up next and her father was a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals.  The judges ask her to bring in her family and a parade of young ladies comes in and the DAWG is thrilled to meet the dad.  Dad asks Steven how Beantown is and he says “hot, humid, and happenin’…just like your daughter”.  Err…considering she hasn’t auditioned yet and she’s only 15, I think we have our first Paula Abdul-esque scandalous moment here…sponsored by Coca Cola.  She starts singing with her whole family awkwardly standing there and her stage mom is behind her signing and dancing along.  DAWG calls mom out on the singing along and he gives Shannon props for having “nerves of steel”.  Three yeses.

The next string of clips are some pretty bad auditions, then a girl named Amy Brumfield from Tennessee comes in and she tells the judges she lives in a tent in the woods.  Is that sort of like living in a van down by the river?  She gives the cameras a tour and it’s a bit disgusting, there are a few hep-C infested mattresses on the ground, a dog, and some shelled out old cabinetry.  Judges seem to like her voice, Steven loves the fact that she’s a “hippsie” and lives in the woods.  They give her a chance, she’s like a poor woman’s version of Crystal Bowersox.

Joshua Chavis is up next and he expresses his adoration for JHO and he comes in to the audition room and warms up by screaming and bumping into things.  He’s terrible and JHO tries to let him down easy, DAWG tries to give his opinion and Joshua breaks out into another song.  It’s just wrong on so many levels.  He’s in tears outside of the audition room, screaming obscenities at the cameras, his ride is waiting, it’s a Huff and he’s gonna leave in it.

Stephanie Renae is up next and she aspires to be the next Carrie Underwood, hmmm…big shoes…big shoes.  I am not too impressed, she has a lot of work to do and she’s a bit shaky.  JHO thinks she is a bit nasaly, DAWG recommends vocal lessons, and Steven is all about the inflections.  She gets two yeses, so she gets by.  Schyler Dixon is up next, who auditioned with her brother Colton last year.  Her brother is not trying out, but the judges convince him to audition.  She sings first and then Colton gives it a go…Schyler is in the corner looking a bit miffed that he is stealing her thunder.  Judges want both of them and Schyler looks like she wants to totally shank him.

We are treated to the token sobbing montage with all the wayward contestants.  Lauren Mink is up next and she works with disabled adults, so she’s already a shoe in.  JHO has goose bumps, and she’s in.

Day two in Savannah arrives and the contestants are all roasting in the hot sun.  I don’t even want to imagine the unidentifiable smells comin’ offa that crowd.  The judges prepare and Steven and DAWG require more makeup than JHO, which doesn’t surprise me about Steven, but I always thought black didn’t crack!  A young man named Mawunea Kodjo from South Africa is up next to sing some country for us.  Something tells me he may be this season’s William Hung.  Sho’ nuff right…he’s terrible.  Steven gives him credit for his confidence and DAWG tells him it’s really terrible, bad.  DAWG challenges him to find some people that think he’s good.  OHRS takes him to the streets and the return with some little girls and an older man who think he’s great.  They still give him a “no” and tell the girls to have their mom’s wash the wax out of their ears.

Next up is Ashlee Altise and she looks like a hot bag of mess.  She has her own dance called the “Joy Hop”.  She breaks out into song and the judges think she’s just crazy enough to go through.

Another string of Savannah rejects are sent packing.  They show us a special story about W.T. Thompson, who quit his job to audition and he’s got a baby on the way.  JHO wants to take a chance, but the boyz aren’t down.  W.T. promises DAWG that he’ll work hard and make him proud, so they give him a shot.

The final segment of the night is dedicated to the young ladies who lust after Steven.  The man is 65, has moobs, and the ladies still love him.  He’s kissin’ babies like a politician.  One girl named Erica Nowak thinks Steven is her future ex-husband.  I think his fiancée, Erin Brady may have something to say about that.  Erica says she would kiss his feet “or anything else for that matter”…really Erica, you seen those mangled hammer toes?  In case you missed it…

She gets a hug and she grabs his ass.  She is just downright terrible, Steven says the best note she hit was when she grabbed his ass.  She gives DAWG a hug and once again a good ol’ fashioned grab ass.

NBA dancer Brittany Kerr is up next and Steven is in her corner before she even speaks.  DAWG is equally as in love.  JHO gives her a no, but the boys are smitten kittens.  JHO gives her a week.  The final audition for the day is Phillip Phillips.  He works at a pawn shop and the play him some Sanford and Son theme music.  He comes in with a guitar, so you know he will probably be good, aaaannnnd…he’s pretty unique.  Steven deems him “Casey with a lightning rod”.  Judges love, love, love and he gets yeses across the board.

Audition night #2 starts in Pittsburgh with Heejun Han who doesn’t seem to have a ton of confidence and his friends tell OHRS that they have never heard him sing.  He’s not bad and the judges really like him, yeses across the board.  Reed Grimm is next and he’s been on stage since he was two years old.  He was quirky, unexpected, and they send him through.

Golden tickets were a-flyin’ until the two sisters arrived.  One sister is planking while the other sings, which is a bit odd, but it worked because the judges love the singing sister.  Creighton Fraker is up next and he signs an original song he just wrote.  JHO seems to like him a lot and he reminds her of someone, but she can’t place it.  He makes crazy faces and sings with his eyes shut, but they love him and he’s through.

Sidebar:  These auditions are proving to be quite boring, it makes me miss snarky Simon and his tight grey sweaters.

Next up is a young boy named Eben Franckewitz, I think he’s pretty good, but he’s got some growing to do.  Judges put him through and plan to work him to the bone.  Travis Orlando is back to try again, but JHO doesn’t see him coming out all the way.  He breaks down and tells the judges he dropped out of high school, his mom left the family, and he’s back in the shelter with his dad and brother.  He’s the makings of a country song.  Judges give him a chance, but he’s gotta work hard.

Steven and DAWG treat the crowd to an impromptu performance of “Pink” while they wait for JHO to get her ass out of hair and makeup.  The first girl they see is a wedding singer named Erika Van Pelt and the boys love her.  Steven says “Pelt can belt!”

Next up is a coal miner, Shane Bruce, he says he’s singing a the song “that goes Hallelujah from Shrek”.  JHO makes a face like she’s annoyed that he thinks the song is from Shrek.  He knows that he bombed, DAWG tells him to do the work and gives him props for knowing that he needs work.  The last girl Hallie Day has a sad back story and she’s here to redeem herself.  They send her through immediately.

An agonizing night #3 begins an hour delay due to the football game.  Can…barely…muster…up…strength…to…say…anything…interesting…about…auditions…

Sidebar:  Hey, my man Steven is taking a lot of heat this week for his rendition of the national anthem.  I didn’t think it was that bad, cut the guy a break…did you see his moobs?  His jacked up toes?  And how could we forget his run in with a Paraguaryan bath tub???  In case you missed it…

Cut the guy some slack people…now onward

They are aboard the U.S.S. Midway in San Diego.  One complication, they can’t hear very well with the planes flying overhead.  First contestant is Jennifer Diley she’s dressed in a red and white striped bikini top and what could best be described as blue junderpants that are beyond obscene.  Camel toe would be putting it mildly.  OHRS makes her do a retake of her walking up the stairs so he can look at her ass cheeks.  Steven tells her it’s against the law to be so cute and DAWG dives over the table with a muzzle.  Steven says she lacks fire and DAWG and JHO tell her that the outfit doesn’t matter, the voice has to speak for itself.  She insists on singing another song and she still stinks.  Bikini girl 2.0 crashes and burns.  In case you missed it…

Ashley Robles is up next, she’s a single mom working many jobs in search of an opportunity for a better life.  She kisses up a bit by saying that she sings JHO’s songs to her daughter.  The girl actually sings the shit out of the Whitney Houston song, judges are floored, it’s a resounding YES!  This is actually the first contestant that really wowed me…I see her going pretty far.

Jayrah Gibson is up next and he is sooooo excited to be there.  Judges seem to like him, they let him sing for awhile, he’s okay, but I’m not goin’ donuts over him.  He’s through to Hollywood.  A string of others go through, but next girl featured is Aubrey Deckmeyer.  She talks about being America’s Next Top Model.  Apparently, she doesn’t know what show she is auditioning for.  First of all, she would never make it on America’s Next Top Model.  She’s too short, very commercial looking, and EVERYBODY KNOWS that ANTM is looks for edgy, editorial models.  But I digress…She’s a wee bit valley girl and Steven has fun with that, but he likes her voice.  JHO and DAWG are aboard as well and she’s in.  Looks like she won’t be SMIZING for Tyra.  Work it guuurrrlll….

The next girl to audition had written a song for Ellen DeGeneres and was subsequently invited on the Ellen show.  Ali Shields is her name and she professes her love for Steven.  Get in line sweet cakes…  She busts out a rap song and DAWG asks her to do a ghetto dance and she squats down like she’s busting a deuce and shakes her booty.  She sings another song and the judges find her to be unique and they like her personality.  DAWG says she’s crazy enough to make it.

The second day begins on the ship and Kyle Crews is up first and he presents himself to be quite the ladies’ man.  He’s ready to serenade JHO and the judges are enjoying him.  Steven says he’s that best male they have heard yet and Kyle is stunned.  They tell him to lose the lumberjack shirt and he’s through.

OHRS comments that all of the noises are aiding in the censoring of Steven.  Line of the night “I went through four hours of f*cking hair and makeup to listen to this bullsh!t?”  True dat…where are all the hot ass messes this season???

Next up is another young girl, but not just any girl, but Jim Carey’s daughter, Jane.  JHO has a blast from the past because she remembers her as a little baby when JHO was a Fly Girl on “In Living Color”, a show that Jim Carrey was on.  DAWG likes the “PO-tential” and JHO needs her to connect with the audience more.  Of course she gets through an DAWG sends a message to her dad “tell him to holla at the DAWG!”

Next up is the Wolf Man, Jason Hamlin.  He makes OHRS look very small.  He brings his “Git-Fiddle” with him, which his father made for him.  Steven asks him to sing something else and play the git-fiddle, judges love and Wolf is going to Hollywood.

That’s all for this week’s auditions, if they are going to scale back on the talentless psychopaths, then we need to see some singers who really blow our junderpants off!!!  Next stop…Aspen…

Packin’ Heat and Beatin’ Feet

Kim and Kroy arrive at Sharp Shooters so they can start KJ early on his gun hobby.  Kim is tickled pink over the pink firearms.  Kroy boasts about his gun knowledge and he wants Kim to learn how to shoot.  The salesperson takes Kim to the simulator and she is locked, cocked and ready to rock.  She’s shooting, dropping f’ bombs, she’s a natural!  Look out…Kimmie’s got a gun.  The salesperson calls her a “pistol packin’ mama”.  Kim tells the camera she is not sure how she feels about guns, but the gun is pink so it’s all good in da’ hood!

Cynthia and Peter are meeting Phaedra and Apollo for lunch because they need to have a “funeral to die for” in order to bury the baby shower hatchet.  In a “World According to Phaedra” moment, she comments that it is a “hot in yo’ panties” kind of day.

Translation:  It’s hot in Haterville and Phaedra needs a fluff-n-freshen…STAT!  Peter asks Apollo about his booming career in Asset Recovery and Cynthia interprets Apollo’s answer to mean he is a repo man.  She brings up the funeral business and Phaedra suggests Cynthia may want to do makeup for the corpses.  They all have a chuckle and Cynthia segues into asking them how they balance their relationship.  Apollo admits that they argue and flashes his tattoo and says Phaedra bit him.  Cynthia asks Phaedra how old she is after Apollo freely states that he’s only 32.  Phaedra is reluctant but answers that there is 5 ½ years between them.  Well we know damn well she ain’t no 27 so Phaedra must be 37.  She’s a wee bit offended and changes the subject to the trip she is planning to South Africa.  The men and children will stay behind so the girls can rip each other’s weaves out in peace.  Cynthia calls her master Nene to give a full report about the lunch meeting and she tells Nene about the trip.  Nene says she “wouldn’t go to the damn trash can with them”.  Sidebar:  We all know that Phaedra has nothing to do with this trip and it’s all Bravo’s grand master plan to send the ladies to Africa in hopes of more television gold like the got when they sent the Housewives of New York to Morocco.  That footage of Countess Luann getting bucked by a camel was priceless…that shit never gets old.  But I digress…

Nene arrives to meet her business partner John and a team of experts prepared to make the Nene lounge a reality.  They show her a few ideas and the project manager hones in and says “seems like you like things that are a bit dramatic.”  Really, ya’ think????  Nene says she wants all of the luxury, but for cheap.  John quickly tells her to remove the word “cheap” from her vocabulary and tells her to say “value”.  He estimates the lounge will cost about one million dollars, but since they are partners, Nene will only have to front half the money.  Celebrity Apprentice must pay well.  John wants to celebrate the deal by giving her another pair of red bottoms.  She opens the Louboutin box and the shoes are black spiked 8” heels.  Nene says “they’re hot”, John adds “just like the woman that’s going to wear them!”  Uggh…he’s so disgusting.  Nene admits she’s uncomfortable, but she’ll still take the shoes and run.

Kandi and Phaedra go to an African dance class to get in the mood for the Africa trip.  How fitting…Kandi admits she can’t dance and she ain’t lyin’.  Now Phaedra on the other hand can shake that donkey booty like nobody’s bidness.  The group goes into a free for all and Phaedra is rockin’ da stank face and all.  Before they leave, Kandi whips out her blackberry phone and shows Phaedra 7 mug shots of Marlo.  She said Marlo was busted for hangin’ orphan paper and the most recent charge was aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, she tried to stab someone.  Phaedra is a bit surprised but as a lawyer, I would think she would’ve been snooping around on Miss Marlo, plus Phaedra is just nosy.  Phaedra says she can’t really judge her due to the fact that she herself married a convict, but when women get into crime it scares her.  Kandi now understands why Marlo was so combative and now she will be ready in case Marlo tries to shank her.

Kim goes to visit her psychic, Rose.  She was the one who predicted Kim would have a baby boy before she and Kroy even met.  She reads Kim’s palm and she sees good fortune and another baby girl for her, but she predicts the pregnancy will be difficult.  Rose also sees marriage for Kim and Kroy, well we already know that did happen.  She then reads KJ’s tiny palms and predicts he’ll be a pimp.  Rose says that Kroy is a worrier but he’s got travel coming up for work and she also sees envy and negativity around Kim.  Hey, big pimpin’ ain’t easy…

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to have to see She by Shereé, there she is.  She and Phaedra are at an African museum and they engage in an activity which can best be explained as mannequin molestation.  They are fondling this slave mannequin figure, and laughing their asses off as Phaedra peeks under the loin cloth to see if he’s packin’ heat.  But she discovers he is not ReDICKulous.  They commence the tour and they are still salivating over the mannequin.  Phaedra must be on drugs or some shit, she tells the tour guide she is a “connoisseur of artistic nudity.”  Crickets…and the tour guide pretends she didn’t see or hear anything.  She quickly directs them to the gift shop where they purchase some books.  Phaedra asks She by Shereé if she’s game for the Africa trip if Nene goes…annnd crickets.  She by Shereé thinks they can put their differences aside for the trip and she wouldn’t pass up the experience.  Phaedra thinks they will all bond, but I think the wig fur will be flying before they leave the Tarmac.

In a funny aside, they show a short clip after the commercial break of Phaedra trying to call “His Excellency”, President of Ghana from her freakin’ cell phone.  He tells her she is breaking up and she says “can you hear me now?”  Classic cornball.  Like she wouldn’t have used a land line to call freakin’ Africa??? 

Kandi is hosting a dinner and the ladies arrive one by one.  Mama Joyce arrives with her groovy “Three’s Company” style wig and Kandi hopes the girls will behave in front of Mama.  Kim is last to arrive and Nene pretends to be looking at her phone so she can ignore Kim.  Mama Joyce starts her mother mucking meddling and she calls them out on the fact that half of them are barely speaking.  She wants Kim and Nene to air kiss and make up, but Nene would rather drink Dwight Eubanks’ ball sweat before making up with Kim.  

Mama compares them to school kids and encourages them to dig deep and get over the pettiness.  Mama Joyce tries to get them to all say “hi” to one another and on a scale of 1 to Phaedra, the tension is at an Atomic Phaedra.  Nene Leakes literally leaks sour grapes.  Kandi brings up the Africa trip and Nene says she isn’t interested in going.  Mama Joyce keeps pushing the Nene/Kim feud, but she apparently drank too much wine by accident.  Nene says she and Kim will never be friends again.  Awwww, Mama Joyce sad.  Kim equated it to a divorce and tried to explain to Mama that her attempts are feckless, but ended up conceding to a “never say never” to appease Mama.  Kim high tails it out of there and says she has to leave to “pump her boobies”.  Mama Joyce is too funny, she asks Nene if what she had was alcohol, and it was.  Mama Joyce inadvertently got tipsy at the dinner table, no wonder she was getting all sappy and meddlesome.  She by Shereé also beats feet out of the restaurant faster than shit through a short dog.  She catches up to Kim in time to talk trash about Nene in the parking lot.  Kandi asks Nene if she can try to talk with Kim and She by Shereé, but it’s not gonna happen.  Nene does, however agree to think about going on the Africa trip and based on previews for next week, not only does Nene go on the trip, but she rolls up with none other than some Marlo stuffed in her carry on.

Huggin’ it Out

Welcome back to the ATL.  We begin with Ayden rockin’ a fro-hawk and his grandma doing flash cards making animal noises.  Is it just me or does Ayden look like he’s grown about a year since we’ve seen him last?  Although, he is super baby, his mother was pregnant out of wedlock and lied about how far along she was last season gestation period was only 6 months, so I guess he does grow fast.  Phaedra tries to teach him to make a noise like a pit bull donkey, but he’s not into it.

She is still hoping to start the funeral business so she can throw funerals worth dying for.  Phaedra’s mother is excited because she can serve as the pastor.  Phaedra wants to make her funerals a celebration of life, throw them in the ground “with a bang!”  Still unsure about how Apollo will fit in, Phaedra contemplates if he might want to pick up bodies since he likes to drive fast.  Apparently, he doesn’t drive fast enough or he would have been able to evade the police.

Cynthia and Peter are off to a Salsa dance lesson, but Cynthia is still burnt up about him leaving her agency opening party.  They sit down in a waiting area and start talking about their marriage.  Peter blames it on the fact that they don’t have any fun and the businesses are stressing them out.  Cynthia contends the problem is lack of communication and she is pissed that he didn’t say goodbye.  Peter says he never can say good-bye, oh no no a no no…

Sidebar:  Peter really just needs to stop making excuses and acting like he’s too cool for school.  “I don’t like to say goodbye”, really Peter?  Why don’t you just sack up and admit that you were a total bail whale and you snuck out the back door and left your wife’s party?  I don’t like to say goodbye, don’t give me that shit you douche.

She addresses his anger management issues and tells him it’s not acceptable, but Peter doesn’t think he does any wrong.  He basically tells her that if the train doesn’t stop at her station, it’s not her train.  Cynthia claims she knows what she signed up for, but they need to communicate.  He says “I’m good”, slams a Red Bull, and he ready to DANCE!  They meet the Brazilian dance instructor and she tells them that only one person can lead or it won’t be a partnership, it will be a fight.  Peter sees that as a metaphor for their marriage.  Welcome to Salsa Dancing Marital Counseling.  Talk about multi-tasking.

Kim and Kroy are still settling in at their new home.  She gives Ariana the chore of unpacking the Versace china, she tells her that the kids will inherit the china.  Ariana says that she wants Kim’s money, which is worth quite a chuckle because Kim doesn’t strike me as a saver.  Although I bet that Versace china may be worth quite a bit of coin.  Kim is frustrated with Brielle and starts lecturing her about getting a job.  The day of Kim’s funeral, you will see those two girls at the local pawnshop near you.

Kandi and Li’l Ronnie are on their way to Nashville to jam with Jo Dee Messina.  Kandi admits she is a bit nervous, but Jo Dee welcomes her with open arms and they hug it out.  Jo Dee comments on how tiny Kandi is, but Kandi doesn’t agree.  Really Jo Dee…have you seen that wagon she’s dragin’?  They go into the studio and Kandi is admiring all of the music awards.  Kandi sings her a little ditty and Jo Dee offers her some constructive criticism.  They start collaborating on a song, I think I know what the next song to come out of the “housewives” franchise will be.

Nene is sitting down with Marlo to guzzle Moscato and talk.  Nene is very impressed with Marlo and how she conducted herself at Cynthia’s party.  Let’s call a spade a spade here, Nene only likes Marlo because she said “Big Papa” 85 times at the party and visibly made Kim squirm in her wig and so uncomfortable that she left.

They start talking about Charles Grant and all the rumors about him and Nene dating.  Nene squares it up and says that they had a drink, he’s not her type, and he’s never seen her “hello kitty.”  Oy…a collective oy!  Marlo laughs and Moscato practically comes out of her nose.  Marlo yammers on about what is true or not true on the internet and how it’s tough to date a football player, oh and yea…she’s been arrested seven times.  Now that’s what Willis was talkin’ ‘bout!  Five arrests were just measly little violations of probation, whew!  Glad she cleared that up.  Turns out Marlo did 6 months in county jail for getting into an altercation with a young lady 10 years ago.  Nene is cool with it, at least Marlo is being real and Marlo is getting good energy from Nene.  Nene changes the subject to Loubouton’s and thinks they could be the same size and suggests they go to Nieman’s, and they hug it out.

Just when I thought we could get through an episode without an appearance by She by Shereé, my hopes are dashed.  She by Shereé drops by Kim’s new home to do yoga and help Kim get her body back.  I don’t know why Kim doesn’t just bring in that crazy laser machine to melt away her fat while she eats pizza.  Kim is just bitching the whole time and She by Shereé doesn’t see Kim’s dedication to the workout.  Well if she isn’t into the workout, I am sure she will be into the juice concoction She by Shereé is creating.  She’s juicing kale, carrots, etc. and Kim is frightened by the fresh ginger.  Kim is choking it down, but admits it’s not bad.  Can’t wait until she busts a deuce in her pretty new bathroom and knocks Kroy off his heels.

Phaedra takes Apollo to visit Willie at the funeral home so she can persuade him to get on board with the funeral business.  Phaedra talks about how this is her passion, she is obsessed with the after life and Apollo chimes in and says she loves vampires.  Willie gives them a tour of the embalming room and Apollo looks like he’s ready to take a knee and hork his guts up.

Nene arrives at Captain Planet Foundation Jewelry fundraiser, she looks like she is wearing clear stilts while she is navigating the cobblestone driveway.  Criminal socialite Marlo has invited Nene to the event.  Ted Turner’s daughter, Laura Turner is there and introduces everyone to her father’s girlfriend, Elizabeth Dewberry.  Elizabeth Dupree Lynch is hosting the event and peddling the jewelry.  The ladies commence to peruse the jewelry and blow smoke up each other’s ass.  Nene meets Elizabeth Dupree Lynch and they talk about how tall and beautiful they both are, they hit it off like gangbusters and hug it out.  Nene engages in a conversation with Laura Turner about “going green”.  Nene tells the camera the only way she knows how to “go green” is by taking money to the bank, or screwing Shrek.  Nene says she and Marlo are social chameleons.  They are looking at this insanely expensive jewelry and Marlo settles on a $44,800.00 ring.  Nene is looking at some earrings and Elizabeth is telling her about them. 

Sidebar:  these two are so oblivious to what is going on around them, they end up trapping Ted Turner’s girlfriend in the corner and she literally has to duck, put her arm out like the Heisman trophy, and charge her way out from under them.

Elizabeth asks Nene if she knows the Dali Lama, and Marlo pipes up “the Italian”, wha wha whaaat?  Apparently, prison school systems just aren’t what they used to be.  Elizabeth says “the spiritual Tibetan leader of Tibet…”  and Nene is staring at her like she has three heads.  Nene has no intention of buying anything and Marlo thanks her for coming and they hug it out.

Apollo shows up to surprise Phaedra at work with some pink roses.  He broaches the subject of the funeral business and he’s leery of working with the spirits and souls.  Phaedra tells him there is no need to worry, they are “gonna put the boom in the tomb!”  Phaedra basically wants Apollo to use his charm to upsell caskets.  They do a little role-play so she can see his mad skills and she is convinced they are going to make it big, and they hug it out.

Cynthia and Peter go to see Pastor Pollard, who married them.  Cynthia discusses the communication problem.  Pastor Pollard tells them “we effectively communicate or we detrimentally disintegrate”.  Okay Pastor Pollard, pullin’ some Gary Busey action on us!  Cynthia tries to make a point about trying new things and essentially calls Peter a dinosaur.  Peter takes offense and Pastor asks them to tell each other what they love about one another.  Cynthia loves Peter’s strength, intelligence, his wisdom, his ideas, and his initiative.  Peter tells her that the reason they are there is about the stuff they don’t like about each other.  Cynthia presses him to answer the question and he just stares at her.  Pollard tries to make a save, then Peter finally speaks up.  He loves to look at her, it makes his day better, he loves her commitment to the marriage.  Weak Peter, weak.  Basically, Peter said he loves Cynthia because she’s hot, having a hot wife boosts his ego, and she puts up with his bullshit.  Way to go Peter, welcome to splitsville…population YOU!  Cynthia feels like he is taking steps in the right direction and they leave.  I swear if dumb was dirt, Cynthia could cover 5 acres.  Nevertheless, she is beautiful, I will give her that.  Outside in the parking lot, they talk about following through and they both need to do a lot of work, annnnnnnd…they hug it out.