Poor Pageantry


The Miss Renaissance Pageant impending train wreck is running full steam ahead and Cynthia greets Kenya and her little dog too, at the Bailey Agency School for wayward teens.  Kenya introduces her to a 16-year old girl named Y’monne.  Cynthia orders her henchman to sign Y’monne up for the pageant and the school, 2% discount if paid in cash.  Cynthia is in between weaves, so she is sporting bad, stringy wig.


Can we get the makeup team up in here, STAT???  I can see Cynthia’s eyelash glue.  Kenya’s recent cancer scare has shown her the light and she is trying to be kind this week and asks Cynthia nicely if she can help with the pageant by judging little girls into damnation.  Cynthia appoints her and Kenya swears to the camera that she will be on her best behavior, as she rolls her eyes.

Porsha meets up with her hubby for some one on one time and through his Mr. Ed overbite, Kordell forces her to change her drink order from Sprite to wine and orders her to spend more time at home.  Porsha has more time on her hands now that Cynthia dropped her ass from Pageant duty and Porsha decides she is ready to try the baby thing.  She wants to hire a nanny because she doesn’t want to put her career on hold.  Ahem…career, what career?  The career of being a boring cast member on a Bravo show?  Porsha decides to hit rent-a-baby on the way home so she can do a dry run to see if she can handle it.  Kordell gives her some of his usual mumbo jumbo Kordell-isms in his halting, barking speaking manner…annnnd scene.

Apollo and Phaedra have invited Kandi and Todd over for some cooking lessons with Chef Roble.  Well-played cross-promotion, Bravo, well played.  He cooks up some muscles and compares them to a vagina and Phaedra is delighted to hear someone talk about this “who is actually educated on genetalia” and “not using street jargon”.  The couples sit down for a plate of bearded clams and Phaedra and Kandi discuss taking a girls trip to Vegas after they hit up Nene in L.A.  As they eat their aphrodisiac foods, Phaedra proclaims she is feeling sexy and flitters her tongue in Apollo’s face giving him a full-blown prison flashback.  I just threw up in my mouth on behalf of all of America.

Kandi is back in the studio with Marvin Sapp and they are relating on their experiences and working on their gospel song.  Kandi’s father, Titus, is on the scene and they play “Prayed Up” for him.  Titus gets all teared up and loves the song and Kandi is thrilled to be working with Marvin, a far cry from working with Kim wigs-n-cigs.

Nene is back in the ATL and not soon enough.  As Miss Nene sorts through her royalty checks, Cynthia stops by for a visit, a promotional glass of rosé, and a pep talk from her leader.  Nene is thrilled that her dream of being a T.V. star is coming true, but learning lines is a drag.  Cynthia gives her the latest on the ATL hags and she springs it on Nene that she agreed to allow Kenya to be a judge.  Nene thinks she is bat shit crazy and doesn’t give a damn if Kenya was “Miss Boo Boo”.  Nene reminds her how Kenya acted a damn foo at the Jet magazine thing and quickly realizes that she misses the gossip and loves herself a good “cup o’ tea.”  They briefly discuss the girls’ upcoming visit to L.A. and Nene warns that their asses best behave.  Which in Bravo script-speak means they will not.

Porsha has her niece, Jaydnn, for her dry run baby fun experiment.  Jaydnn, aside from having a ridiculous spelling of her name, is trying to flee from her Aunt Posha at every opportunity.  Porsha treats the one-year old like an adult, making her haul her own luggage in the house and fend for her own sustenance and safety.  Baby tries to eat the dog food, so Porsha quickly plies her with a camping trip bag size of Twizzlers.  During diaper changing time, Porsha is greeted with smells and textures that have rocked her to her core.  She flings the mashed banana, shit-filled diaper on the floor for “uncle Kordell”.  Doesn’t Porsha know that diaper on the floor is like a veritable smorgasbord for her dog?  Porsha puts the baby and the dog on her extra high bed while she goes into a closet and changes clothes, after all “the dog is babysitting!”  She takes the baby into the kitchen to make dinner and Jaydnn is climbing on a utility stool for a minute and then decides it’s time to bounce and go find some glass coffee tables to play around and maybe stick a paperclip into an electrical outlet.  Somewhere, Jo Frost is speeding down I-285 in her PT Cruiser, she must get to the ATL and save this baby, STAT!

It’s pageant central and girls of all ages and sizes are ready to twirl and whirl Gone With the Wind Kenya style.  Cynthia drives up to find her celebrity judge, actor Boris Kodjoe, dressed as if he is going to a clambake.  She is appalled that he isn’t in a suit and she reads it as a bad sign.  Kenya shoots the shit with Derek “ham hock neck” J. as she shows off her faded, yellowed, Miss U.S.A. sash, which she brought out of retirement especially for Cynthia.  Trish, the “I couldn’t possibly care less” Pageant Coach, sits down in her belly shirt to review the script with Cynthia.  Everything is all out of order and they have no idea what they are doing and Trish don’t care, she’s got a DVR full of Judge Judy, some Cool Ranch Doritos, and a cold pop awaitin’ back home.  I feel a fancy and fabulous train wreck coming on!  The fun fashion category is up first and Boris is announcing the names incorrectly while Pageant Director Extrodiannaire, Cyrus keeps dipping the girls in glitter and pushing them out of the chute like an assembly line.  Cynthia announces an intermission and Cyrus tells her she skipped over the whole teen age group. 


Kenya gives Cynthia a back stage pep talk and refrains from giving criticism at this point, which tells me she is holding back and will hopefully blow her stack next week.  Cynthia and Boris resume the pageant and begin the Q & A portion of the show.  Cynthia is thrilled at how seriously the contestants are taking the pageant.  Good thing someone is.  As Cynthia and Boris wait for Cyrus to tally the votes, they bring the fierce by walking the runway to kill time and my brain.  Boris breaks into his stand-up comedy routine and dissects the difference between model walk and pageant walk.  In the audience, Phaedra comments how her butt is eating her g-string and she makes “nom nom nom” noises, mmm…hon-gray donkey!


Anyhoo, the winner of the pageant is a young girl named Selena and she has a toddlers and tiaras style meltdown.  They give her a humongous crown that is larger than the young girls head, send her home with some savings bonds and a bag o’ Funyions, and call it a day. 


Cynthia is relieved that it’s over and she is ready for the L.A. trip to see her fearless leader, Nene.

Odds and Ends

We return to the ATL by watching Porsha’s mother and sister tell her she looks like a freak in the Cookie Monster blue formal dress she wants to wear for Kordell’s 40th birthday party.  She changes into a shorter number from the “Dancing With the Stars” reject collection and all the ladies are on board.  Although she finally settles on a long dress with a cape attached.  The theme of the party is going to be Harlem Nights Casino Medieval Western Renaissance and Miss Porsha is not sparing any of Kordell’s money.


Phaedra arrives at Kandi’s mansion announcing that she is feeling “very Oprah today”, meaning grateful.  Phaedra drinks some overly sweet instant tea while Kandi saws kernels off of a corncob and they discuss Kenya’s display of full-blown cray cray at the Shoedazzle event.  Phaedra seems to think that Kenya is such a fan of hers and files the incident under flattery, but she drops one last blow and says that Kenya has a Home Depot booty and was wearing “Victoria’s Secret free coupon underwear”.  Kandi doesn’t like all this beef and thinks Phaedra’s indifference is a façade because she was clearly bothered by the free coupon underwear at the event.

Kenya is accompanied by her aunt Lori to visit Dr. Speed.  Kenya has two lumps in her breasts and is having a biopsy.  Kenya tearfully tells us she is nervous and the doctor expects results soon, but it has helped her put things in perspective until her next caper into crazytown.


Meanwhile, at the Bailey Coochie Crack Agency, Cynthia is hard at work on her pageant.  Cynthia mentions that the meeting with her, Porsha and the Bailey Boys was scheduled at Porsha’s house, but Porsha didn’t want any stranger dangers in her home.  Porsha arrives and meets the strange “Bailey Boys”, and Cynthia wastes no time whipping up a shit stew and she confronts Porsha about her refusal to take the meeting at her home.  Porsha explains that her creepy, controlling hubby Kordell is out of town and she doesn’t take any appointments without his supervision.  The Bailey Boys give Porsha some rules for conduct while at the agency, which were spurred by the Kenya incident.  They are having their intense discussion about refraining from being condescending and listening more than we speak, but Porsha receives an urgent call from her housekeeping staff, which she must take.  As Porsha dictates orders to her maid, the maid is probably scrubbing the toilet with Kordell’s toothbrush Cynthia is visibly annoyed, but again, I thought we weren’t working with friends for these very reasons…

After Kordell arrives back home, he and Porsha pretend to play a game of basketball, but it’s really an opportunity for her to tell Kordell about the Cynthia pageant debacle.  Kordell tells her to “check dat” and urges her to have a heart to heart with Cynthia immediately.  He questions her about his slogan, which is “guilty until proven innocent”.  Not sure what Cynthia is “guilty” of other than being annoyed with his simpleton wife, but he can’t resist inserting himself into the petty housewife drama.

Kandi is back in the studio with Salassi and Don Juan.  She has been so focused on her new home that she hasn’t had time to do her music, but that is about to change!  However, she must first take a call from Todd and then Don Juan blows her some shit about the romance.  Kandi assures Don that she is laser focused, she has a lot more money to stack.  As she tells him this, Todd calls again because he can’t find his fuzzy socks or the frosted flakes.

Porsha and Cynthia meet for a drink and Porsha plans to “check” Cynthia, according to Kordell’s orders, over the treatment she received at the Bailey Agency.  Cynthia waves her glass of wine around and beats her to the punch, essentially firing her from working on the pageant any further.  Well scripted played, Bravo Cynthia, well scripted played.

We cut back to Kandi in the studio revealing her plan to try a gospel record and her producers fall off their chairs in laughter.  However, she gets the last laugh as she has secured renowned gospel artist, Marvin Sapp, to collaborate with her.  Kandi attributes all her success and happiness to staying “prayed up”, hence the name of her new song.  She gets behind the mic and the producers love it.  Sidebar:  I think this has been the most boring episode this season.

It’s Kordell’s 40th Birthday and his Harlem Boogie Nights Gambling Renaissance Peanut Plantation party is in full swing.  The rest of the gang arrives one by one, but Porsha is still pretty “perturd” with Cynthia.  Uggh…Porsha, spell check is going to be so angry with you!  Annnd look what the cat dragged in, the Martin Luther King, Jr. of Towing…Walter.  Peter asks Walter about Kenya and he replies “Kenya who?”  Peter gets a bit pissy that Walter didn’t tell him about the breakup, but Walter says he didn’t want to put his breakup bidness out there.  Good thinking, especially after you agreed to play Kenya’s boyfriend on national television.  Kordell and Peter re-affirm that it’s bros before hos and they perform the secret handshake of the fraternal order of the meddling househusbands.  Cynthia saunters over in her 1920’s getup and Kordell gives her some of his “Kordell-isms” and tells her to “keep steady”.  Kordell makes about as much sense as Paula Abdul after a box of wine.  Cynthia is getting sick of him trying to fight Porsha’s battles and reads it as controlling.

Meanwhile, across town…Kenya returns to Dr. Speed’s office for her results.  Speed lectures her about stress and then Speed puts it in park and tells Kenya in the slowest possible way ever, that the lumps are benign.  Jeezuz Speed, way to stress out your patient!  Nonetheless, Kenya is relieved and feels blessed, her lunatic legacy will carry on.

Next week we meet Kandi’s father, Titus and Cynthia has a major lapse in her Kenya judgment and considers allowing her to be involved with the pageant.