You Wanna Piece of Tre?

The gang is preparing for the trip to Punta Cana.  Melissa is playing in her amazeballz closet and packing her suitcases in hopes that the trip will put an end to all of the drama.  Joe is playing around and he puts Gino in the suitcase.  The poor kid is screaming and Joe pulls him out by his feet.  It’s all fun and games until someone puts out an eye or gets their skin caught in a zipper!  Melissa is flaunting this really gaudy swimsuit and Joe is looking at her underwear and he sniffs the crotch.  Just when I thought he couldn’t be any more disgusting.  I know he is probably doing it to be funny, but I know he is a sick puppy!  I know he loves Melissa and all, but that’s the stuff Dateline NBC is made of.

Teresa is feverishly packing like a crazy person, Juicy reveals that the trip is only four days.  Therefore, the amount of luggage she is taking is grossly disproportionate to the length of the trip…something tells me this will come back to haunt her.  Milania is horsing around and jumping on one of the suitcases.  Teresa yells at her and when she opens it, G to the Ia is inside.  What is with these kids getting into suitcases?  G to the Ia calls Milania “stupid” and Teresa scolds her and points her 3” acrylic fingernail at her.  Milania is now in the playpen pile driving the baby.  That kid is like a bull in a china shop.

Caroline is getting ready and Lauren is running down the list of hair products and jewelry she is taking.  Caroline reminds her that sharks are attracted to shiny things and she shouldn’t wear jewelry in the ocean.  Lauren gets line of the night when she says “Well then Teresa and Melissa are f*cked!”

Jacqueline is packing bathing suits that she isn’t going to wear, but she is taking it just to show the girls.  Jacqueline is intimidated by wearing a bikini next to Melissa and Teresa.  We learn here that Jacqueline will miss her puppy, but she will not miss Assley who did not get her passport so she cannot go.  I am glad because she would have been a real nosebleed on this trip.

Kathy is packing and reminiscing, she hopes it will be like old times.  Kathy tells her mother that she hopes Teresa can realize that not everyone is out to get her and that not everything is about her.  I think Charlie Sheen has a better chance staying sober than that ever happening.

The crew lands in Punta Cana and the Boyz II Manzos comment on how it looks like Jurassic Park.  Everyone is claiming luggage and wouldn’t you know it, Teresa’s bling bag is missing.  They all pile in to their own private Escalades to cavalcade off to the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.  Good, let’s throw some gambling into this hot mess of a mix.  Sidebar:  I don’t know what is wrong with Teresa, but she keeps talking in this high-pitched howler monkey voice.

The boys are getting restless and they are ready to drop it like it’s hot.  They have to pee on the side of the road.  Juicy starts the pee parade and Richie, Chris, and Albie follow.  They arrive at the hotel and they head to their Villas.  Christopher and Albie are walking with their arms around each other and we hear Juicy say, “they look like butt-buddies.”  Teresa tells him to knock it off and Melissa says they are good brothers and hopes her kids are like that.  Teresa can’t help herself and says, “wait and see what happens when a wife comes in.”  She just can’t leave well enough alone.  Melissa is optimistic that Teresa may be able to hold it together long enough to enjoy the vacation.

Everyone is settling in to their villas and Teresa and Juicy share WTMI for the viewers.  We really don’t need to know that Teresa has her period and therefore she and Juicy will be sleeping in separate beds.  OY VEY!

The Boyz II Manzo’s and Lauren are fighting over rooms in their villa.  They are also hoping the trip will bring them closer together as siblings.  Annnnd…in walks their sassy roommate Greg.  Now the party can start.  Greg is excited about the 24 hour concierge (even though he is not named Jeeves) and the Evita balcony where he can address his public.  Albie says “who the f*ck is Evita?”

They all get up the next day for some fun in the sun.  As usual, Juicy won’t roll his fat ass out of bed.  Caroline looks like she had a rough night, but it turns out she has a terrible migraine.  Teresa is putting on a freaking fashion show and running around in her glittery bikinis.  She is sporting various looks, “Mermaid Chic”, “Jersey Hooker that only works on Tuesdays”, and the “Bartender Working the Lunch Shift on Monday at Scores”.  Nobody seems to give a shit and we find out that Lauren has her period too.  What is with these broads, are they all in sync?  Greg comments that he has a girl crush on Melissa and she is going to look wayyyy more awesome that Teresa.  He thinks Teresa knows that, the fashion show is a sign of insecurity.

Joe and Richie are getting massages, Joe is talking about Tarzan again, and Melissa notes that his culo is out.  Richie says his masseuse is “cuttin’ a little wind.”  They are going out on a catamaran trip, but Caroline decides to stay behind because her migraine is taking her down.  Who knows, maybe she faked it, which would have been genius.  I would rather pull a “Situation” move and run my head through a brick wall than be sandbagged on a boat with Teresa and Juicy.

Joe is taking pictures of Melissa and Jacqueline is taking pictures of Teresa.  We see that the look Teresa has settled on is “Transvestite C3PO”, she is like the sun you can’t look directly at her.  Kathy notes there can only be one “Punta Princess” and it’s going to be a stiff competition.  The girls are oiling up to lay out in the sun and we are treated to a shot of Juicy’s trunks, they are way too tight and he looks like he should be going to the gay pride parade.  Teresa puts so much oil on herself that she looks like a Kenny Rogers Roaster.  Remember that episode of Seinfeld, when Kramer decided to put butter on himself and went up to the roof of the building to lie out and accidentally cooked himself?

Jacqueline says she feels like the white stuff in the middle of an Oreo.  Look at it this way Jacqueline, at least you won’t look like an old catcher’s mitt when you’re 40.  Greg decides to play Caroline for the day and offers to snuggle up with Albert.  Meanwhile, Caroline is snug as a bug in a rug dreaming that the bedazzled bikinis will reflect off the water and stun the ever-lovin’ shit out of Melissa and Teresa, rendering them both speechless.

On the boat, Melissa and Joe start dancing and Teresa tries to dance while Juicy just stands there like a punk.  The cameramen give us a few gratuitous shots of Melissa below the waist.  Greg and Lauren comment that Melissa and Joe are the hottest couple in the world.  There is no mistaking it, they look great together, and then they open their mouths.  Teresa goes on about how she felt super sexy and there was no competition there.  What competition, Tre?  Where does she come up with this?  The “Punta Princess” pageant going on in your head?  Give it up already!  Christopher and Albie introduce a drinking game called “La Cucaracha”, if the little wind-up motorized roach goes towards you, you must do a shot.  If the little motorized roach goes to the bottle, everyone must do a shot.  Richie actually does a smart move and pretends to do a shot, but throws it over his shoulder.  Juicy does a shot and Kathy says she doesn’t get the whole Juicy thing, what’s so Juicy?  He’s all dried up as far as she is concerned!  Thank you Kathy, thank you from America.  The boys jump in the ocean to have a cockfight.  What they are actually doing, is having a chicken fight.  Joe is victorious and he dives under the water and his shorts come off and we get to see his culo.  Something tells me that Joe was that little boy who always ran around naked holding his junk.

The gang goes to Janillo beach for a nice dinner.  Joe is trying to get fresh with Melissa in the bathroom and the Boyz II Manzo’s and sassy Greg are trying to spy.  Back on the beach, Richie is asking Juicy Joe what he is going to name his restaurant.  Richie is talking about the drawbacks he discussed with Albert.  Juicy goes on his best defense and says that a banquet hall is a whole different story.  This gets Albert riled up and he gets out his Jack LaLanne juicer and lays the smack-down on the Juice man.  Juicy backs off a bit, but starts talking about his unique concept.  Yea, he has brilliant ideas for authentic Italian dishes, like Chicken Gotti, chicken, bound and gagged, served face down in shallow gravy.  Or how about Steak Gambino, steak tossed out of a speeding car.

Albert totally puts this douchekebab on blast and Richie turns the conversation towards their interest in catering.  Kathy unknowingly walks into a landmine.  She mentions that she and Richie were not ready for a restaurant and did not want to detach from the kids.  Teresa’s head spins around three times and she starts spewing venom.  Dem’s fightin’ words, she is kickin’ ass and takin’ names!  She twists Kathy’s comment around six ways from Sunday and turns it into a personal attack.  Now we must revisit Christening-gate and Teresa has to rehash old shit, shit older than Juicy’s belly button lint.  The Boyz II Manzo’s can hardly take it, Greg is upset that Kathy is being attacked, Teresa is single-handedly ruining their whole day.  Teresa, Cana you Punta a sock in it?!?!?  Chris tries to get them to stop, Albie squawks that he has real problems…can’t light his cigar, but the girls keep arguing.  Juicy tells them both to shut up and he and Teresa walk away.  The Boyz II Manzo’s take bets that Teresa and Juicy are still rehashing and Greg adds that they are having that convo in third grade words.  Since Caroline is not present, Albert takes her place and bottom lines it.  Teresa still doesn’t feel vindicated over the Christening scuttlebutt, old wounds, blah blah blah.  It’s all been done, they need to just drop it.

With dogged determination, Teresa is still bitching in Juicy’s ear and being the staunch supporter of his wife, he keeps yelling at her, “it doesn’t matter what they say!”  Teresa goes back into her irrational skank voice, Juicy gives her a kiss to pacify her and all is right in her world.  It seems like the rest of the gang is just tolerating Tre and Juicy at this Punta!

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Joeboken

Caroline and Jacqueline are in the car discussing the 5K they are going to run in prep for the trip to Punta Cana.  Jacqueline comments that everyone seems to be getting along and Caroline looks at her like “Guuuuuuurrrl Pleeeaze!”  They arrive at Jacqueline’s and Teresa is sitting in her driveway, which is odd because Jacqueline says she never comes over unannounced.  They are giving hugs in the kitchen and Teresa starts re-hashing the events of the book signing.  As usual, she has a completely delusional view of what happened.  Caroline is laughing about this, two grown men are fighting over texts.  Maybe they can just thumb wrestle it out.  Teresa is concerned because Milania’s birthday party is coming up.  Caroline suggests that everyone attend the party and the two Joe’s act like adults and play nice in the sandbox.  They ask Teresa to call Melissa right there on the spot so they can listen.  The conversation goes off the rails fast, Teresa brings up the Christening and Melissa pops off like a howler monkey.  Jacqueline and Caroline are waving their arms around trying to stop the crazy train.  Teresa is the conductor of the crazy train and she has a one-way ticket.

At the Wakile’s they are up early in prep for the big 5K run.  Kathy is all psyched because she can knock out this 5K in her sleep.  Meanwhile, at the Giudice’s, Teresa is doing some running of her own, to the toilet.  We see her come out of her bathroom as the toilet flushes and she is spraying air freshener.  That’s never a good sign of anything.  She waddles away complaining about her stomach.  She is trying to roll Juicy out of bed and we are treated to a shot of Juice man in his underwear.  Between her screaming ass shitz and that image, I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit.  He looks like 10 lbs. of shit in a 5 lb. bag.  Teresa is contemplating how she can run when she has the runs.  She is then standing over Juicy because he won’t get up and she says she will put her butt hole in his face.  That is the true definition of love, when you don’t have to hold your farts anymore.

The Manzo’s arrive at the Laurita’s to go to the race and Juicy calls them to say he is bringing sausage and wine, breakfast of champions.  We cut to Juicy cutting the sausage with a little crank slicer in his kitchen.  I don’t know where this sausage came from, but it looks gnarly.

The Manzo’s are making fun of Teresa and Juicy, it’s becoming rather evident that the Giudice’s are losing friends faster than they lost their furniture.  Ha!  You can put that in your Juice box and suck it!  They all arrive at the Cupid’s Chase 5K run for charity.  Of course, they are all late and the race started ten minutes ago.  Juicy is being a mean girl and is already starting in on Joe with the wise cracks.  He just said to Teresa in the car “I don’t start nuthin’!”  Bullshit, I bet he also claims he likes to go to Hooter’s for the food.

I think it’s Melissa’s voice in the background yelling, “there’s a lot of camel toes up in here!”  Kathy and Richie are the only ones actually taking this race seriously.  They are bound and determined to beat Juicy like a rental car.  It looks like Juicy and Teresa are running the wrong way and Juicy is just bitching and complaining the whole way.  The Manzo crew finds a way to cheat and cut through the route.  Melissa and the Boyz II Manzo’s sassy roommate Greg are becoming quite chummy.  Teresa is running around aimlessly and she is dressed like YU-GI-OH.  Juicy is walking under an overpass, I think it’s the same overpass where Caroline and Albert got engaged.

Chris and Albie are having Joe and Melissa over to their apartment.  Greg is as giddy as a schoolgirl because he thinks Melissa is the mutt’s nuts and he has a man-crush on Joe.  The Boyz II Manzo’s have a step and repeat set up for photo ops and Melissa says there is something about her and Greg, they just click.  The Boyz II Manzo’s are talking about their promotional event they have coming up for the black water.  Greg suggests they listen to Melissa’s single and consider having her sing at the event.  They don’t like the song, but they pretend to and ask her to perform at the launch party.

Meanwhile, Lauren and Vito are at home and they are going to re-enact the pottery scene from “Ghost” only they will use fresh mozzarella.  They are workin’ it, workin’ it, it’s so romantic.  Then they sit down to eat the fruits of their labor and some sausage.

Back in Joeboken, the gang is all out partying.  Greg and Melissa are planning a shopping trip together and Joe comes up and says “fondle my wife, I wanna see!”  He is crazier than a bag o’ bats and Greg is officially Melissa’s gay husband.  Melissa thinks she is Patti Stanger and she is trying to pick out bar-sluts to hook up with Albie.  Joe is outside of the bar with a group of men talking about his junk, which he has affectionately nicknamed “Tarzan” and he boasts about how Tarzan is well groomed.  WTMI Joey G., WTMI!

The next day, Teresa is dressing Milania for her birthday party and she is having a fit.  She wants her big crown and her princess dress, she says “I like what I like!”  She storms out and throws a tantrum.  Teresa quickly realizes that talking Milania into wearing the Punky Brewster getup she has on is like trying to talk the Pope into wearing a condom.  She eventually caves in to Milania’s whim while the middle child watches on.  I swear, that middle girl is just going to snap one day and stab Teresa in her sleep.  No one is safe.

Teresa and Juicy are conserving this year by having the birthday party at their pizzeria.  Every time Teresa talks about saving money on the party, they keep showing screen shots of the red gingham checkered paper plates with an orange .99¢ sticker on them.  It’s a fine line between frugal and cheap.

Teresa is en route to the party and Milania is sound asleep in the back of the car and G to the ia tells Tre that she has a surprise for her uncle Joe.  As guests are arriving, Teresa is directing them to put all the gifts underneath a folding table, which I find odd.  Usually there would be a gift table, not just stash them under the table so we can sneak ‘em out da’ back, but hey…it’s Jersey!  Caroline and Albert look like they would rather eat their own earwax than be at this birthday party.  Caroline and Kathy discuss the upcoming trip and Caroline tells her she is very afraid.  She is just planning to stay in a cabana and suck on a mojito while everyone else kills each other and then whoever is left can come back to Jersey.  Sounds like a solid plan.

Teresa is making a stink because Melissa and Joe show up late and she was waiting on them before they made the pizza.  Juicy darts off into the kitchen and Teresa confronts him about not saying hello, Juicy picks his nose and walks away.  That’s what you wanna see before he makes your pizza!  The kids are all rolling out dough and having fun while the adults wait for one of the Joes to blow.  They decide to sing happy birthday and there is a pizza cake and then another cake that looks like Little Mermaid.  Because she needs two cakes?  She is blowing out the candles and all the guests start yelling “BLOW MILANIA!  BLOW!”  Poor kid, probably not the last time she will hear that.

G to the ia sings a little ditty she wrote for Milania and it’s very sweet.  She has another song for Teresa and Joe and she can’t even sing because she stars crying.  It’s very sad and pathetic that she is so upset by these two chuckleheads and their fighting.  Joe feels terrible, but Teresa is still in la la land.  She always puts on that happy fake smile and pretends everything is just fabulicious.  Teresa keeps telling her that she and Joe love each other and that she doesn’t need to worry.  G to the ia tells them to start acting like it.

Joe says that G to the ia is so great because she has his heart.  Of course, Teresa argues and says she is great because she came out of her stomach.  OY!  She is more than I can take at times.  Teresa is trying to get Joe and Juicy to “kiss and make up”, but the chances of that are slim to none.

Kathy is hopeful that the trip will bring everyone back together, but based on the preview for next week, it looks like she and Tre finally have it out.