Elephants in the Room

Welcome to the Mean Girls lunch table, where we will invite you over, but YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!  I swear, these cast mates don’t even like each other anymore, they merely tolerate one another and put themselves into bizarre situations for sheer sport.  #Paychexbybravo!  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Cant sit with us

We start out this week with Porsha playing actress.  She’s terrible, being killed by Sharknado 5 after 9 seconds of screen time doesn’t a thespian make.  She has apparently landed some part in a local production of “Two Can Play at that Game”, and it takes three assistants to help her run two lines.

sharknado

SBS, Wigs-N-Cigs, and their breasts meet for a meal.  Seriously, these bitches be bustin’ out of their tube tops like stuffed sausage.  Nene is supposed to show up, SBS is salivating in anticipation.  Every time the three of them get together, it ends in a good ol’ fashioned wig pull.  We are treated to a flashback of season two, when SBS tried a wig yank on Wigs-N-Cigs… IN FRONT OF MICHAEL LOHAN.  Ahh… the good ol’ days, when Wigs-N-Cigs crafted her wigs out of flammable Barbie hair and dated men off of Craig’s List.

Speaking of a wig yank, someone should do SBS a favor and snatch that Atomic Blonde wiglette off her melon.  With all her other stellar looks this season, I just can’t get behind this atomic atrocity.  Anyhoo – SBS gives Wigs-N-Cigs a quick briefing and they get on to the subject of Kandi.  Wigs understands that Porsha made a “harsh allegation” against Kandi, but Wigs [again with the swearing on her six kids’ lives], seems to buy into the Kandi rumors.  Then she mumbles something as she’s gulping down her clams casino, “I wouldn’t let Kandi lick my box.”  GOOD.  LORD.  ALREADY.  WITH.  THIS.  SHIT?  Wigs… sorry hunni, no one wants anywhere near your box.  It’s like the great void, all who enter are never seen or heard from again.

SBS fills Wigs in about Prison BAE, and Wigs offers her immediate support and becomes overcome with emotion and fake tears at the thought of her BFF SBS getting “some good dick”.  Yes, that’s right, in 4-18 years, SBS will be getting the dick she is due, DAMNIT!  After these two clowns come up for air, they realize it’s been two hours and Nene hasn’t shown up.  Wigs ponders that she may be looking for a parking space, but decides to call and Nene informs them she sent a memo by Pony Express.  She will not be attending due to “too many elephants in the room” and they need to schedule a conversation at another time.  Wigs thinks Nene is still butthurt over the “Rent-a Royce” handicapped parking scandal, oh and the fact that Brielle snuck into Nene’s house through an open window during the “All white, trot out your best gay accessory, never forget, shuck your own oyster party” and posted a snapchat showing 16 cock roaches scurrying across Nene’s floor.  Hmm…could be why she doesn’t want to sit with you, bitch!

Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is conducting a back to school book drive to help kids who may not be able to afford supplies – translation, a photo shoot for the Trapper Keeper 2018 reboot.  Nene face times in because she can’t be troubled to make an in-person charity F-List celebrity appearance.  She invites the women to an “All White, Elephants Never Forget, Clear the Room, Low Country Boil Seafood Extravaganza”.  Will stops in and Cynthia turns into Urkel.  He tells her that he’s leaving for a trip to Brazil, and Kenya quickly points out how amazingly beautiful the women of Brazil are, oh and prostitution is legal.  Cynthia starts hyperventilating into a Hello Kitty backpack and Kenya pulls her aside by the straps of her overalls.  Kenya lectures her on the dangers of Mr. Will.  If he is truly an opportunist, he will be back for his dear Cynthia.  Just be sure to use a condom for several months and make sure he takes ALL of his penicillin.

Cynthia - Will

SBS settles in for a quiet night with her dog Max and her laptop, when Kairo surprises her with a visit bearing food.  They are firing up the grill when SBS gets a call from Prison BAE.  SBS takes the call, attempting to hide it from Kairo.  Prison BAE upholds his innocence, claims he has receipts, and he’s hoping to be exonerated from all wrongdoing.  GOOD.  LUCK.  SBS isn’t ready to explain to her children that her BAE is in prison, so she and Kairo opt to ignore the elephant in their kitchen and continue to prepare dinner in silence.

Nene is arranging her big “Elephants in the room, come one come all, circus extravaganza”, and has hired an energy reader named Mbele.  Said energy reader pulls no punches, she is firm, direct, and smells of a hard mix of sage, Ylang-Ylang, and wrath.

Mbele

As the ladies arrive, Mbele has a few ever-changing rules, smart phones get checked at the door she’s a hugger not a shaker, unless your name is Nene or Cynthia and you give off immoral juju.  Wigs-N-Cigs walks in and says in her loudest, Virginia-Slims, I’ve had about three red Solo cup fulls o’ Tito’s, voice – “It smells like sage up in this mother*cker, ohh it is like rough as shit, honey!”  Nice opening volley!  As if that wasn’t rude enough, Wigs won’t put her phone down, “I got six babies at home, my husband is bringing me pizza”.  Poor Kroy, he’s now relegated to delivering pizza to Wigs while she fulfills her #contractuallyobligateduncomfortablesituationsbybravo.  Hey, Wigs – can you have Kroy slide in an order of hot wings, extra spicy, hold the celery, blue cheese dressing on the side?

Nene begins to address the group and the lights flicker, indicating that Mbele has placed an irreversible hoax on the whole lot of them.  Mbele takes the floor and announces she will be spilling secrets and the women need to keep it together.  She waves her li’l finger at SBS for an inordinate number of seconds and comes up with some innocuous, vague shit like – “be decisive, stand firm.”

Kandi is told she experiences Déjà Vu.  Nene is told she has a heart of gold and what others think of her is irrelevant.  Cynthia is told to protect herself – translation, Will is an opportunist.  Kenya is told that she isn’t going to be around much longer, not meaning death, but a different destiny.  #shitcannedbybravo.

Wigs starts buggin’, she doesn’t like any of this.  Mbele wins line of the night, “dixie cup is gonna help us out here, I guess”.  Kenya busts out laughing and now believes that Mbele is the most amazing energy reader, EVA!  Wigs says she’s been read by the BEST, she’s spiritual, she’s from a higher power, and she has, like… ESPN!

5th sense ESPN

Kenya loses it, tells Wigs to shut the f*ck up or leave.  Nene is feasting on this conflict.  Mbele asks everyone switch seats because “Wigs and Go Naked” are oddly holding hands and she’s catching too much static from the high concentration of wig polymers.  Mbele offers to dip some wild bushes in whiskey and provide Wigs with a much-needed cleansing bath, but Wigs takes a hard pass.  At this point, they have broken the energy reader and she leaves the unstable skanks to deal with this three-ring shit show.  Mbele exits stage left to find the Bravo intern, collect her appearance fee, and the $50 bonus for giving Nene a resplendent read.

Kandi tries to start mediating between Porsha and Nene, but Nene is more preoccupied with making her same goofy faces and resolving nothing.  SBS asks Nene if she has an issue with Prison BAE, and to be clear “you’ve got mugshots too”.  They start goin’ at it, they do not SEE.  EACH.  OTHA.  Nene has “NO.  THING.  I.  NEED.  TO.  TALK.  TO.  YOU.  ABOUT!”  Wigs mumbles something into her Solo cup about Kenya being jealous of SBS and Cynthia dives into the fray to ask why Wigs and Kenya don’t get along.  Wigs gets up to leave, hiking up her Pepto pants like a truck driver, and Nene demands she stay for detention.  Cynthia tries to confront Wigs, but Wigs says “don’t talk, just be a pretty face” and then the low-grade beaver tranquilizers kick in.  Wigs starts singing “Amazing Grace” without her auto-tune machine.

Nene and Wigs sit down to have it out… Wigs takes a moment of reflection and introspection, the last time they sat on a couch together was eight years ago when Nene denied trying to choke her [after the wig-tug in front of her then fling, Michael Lohan – sorry folks, I will find that infinitely hilarious until my dying day].  Sensing Nene is ready to go for a main artery, Wigs adjusts her wiglette, swears on her six kids’ lives – AGAIN, and apologizes “for actin’ like a coconut” at Nene’s party.  But Wigs isn’t smart enough to leave it at that and escape Nene’s fury, she has to add that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Nene admits to being on vodka, but that’s the extent of it.  She officially deems their “friendship” superficial.  Adjust your wigs and part ways, idiot hookers!

Wigs wig adjust

Next week – Cynthia takes a trip to help with hurricane relief efforts, Prison Bae delivers an ominous warning, and Kenya flips off the Bravo camera, well, because Kenya.

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The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.

Flirting with Disaster

What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors.  Yes, SBS… this means you!  What in the name of all that is good and decent are you doing spending $8,750 on one door?!?!  Which I might add, doesn’t even include a fabulous knob.  $8,750 could buy some nice commissary provisions for those prison visits, maybe even rent an hourly conjugal trailer.  If SBS wasn’t droppin’ so much coin, I am willing to bet an $8,000 door that the shopkeeper would not have stood their patiently while SBS and Porsha discussed the latest innovation in weave adhesives.  The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true.  Yes, dear reader, Radar Online has reported that SBS is married to her cuddly convict Tyrone.

Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.  I love how Kandi gives Cynthia’s “cross wall” the side-eye.  The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it.  Cynthia starts with the obligatory “how are you, how was the funeral?” pursuant to section IX, 17(f) of the friendship contract.  After that’s out of the way, she zeros in with laser sharp focus to ask the hard-hitting question, are we ever gonna meet the real Marc?

Cynthia wants receipts

Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.  Speaking of questionable nuptials, Kandi flashes the jailhouse photos of SBS posing in a “wifey” tee-shirt with Tyrone, as if there weren’t enough ambiguous wedding storylines this season.  Somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean.

SBS Wifey

(Photo Credit:  Straight From The A)

Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back.  How many back-alley matchmakers sporting Target knit wrap-dresses does it take to set up this twerkin’ travesty – two, yeah, it takes two baby!  Porsha drills down to what she is looking for – a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.  To which matchmaker #2 deadpans, “oh neat.”  The matchmakers demand a tour of the McMans in order to gain insight to what makes Porsha tick.  I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries.  The wheel may be turnin’, but the hamster is dead.  Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house.  She figured she would keep it all intact for the future mini-Porsha’s, not at all creepy.  The matchmakers tell her straight up that the McMans décor will scare off the men and “make their wiener go down”.  I think the first sight of the wall o’ wiglettes in the boy’s nursery will do that on its own.

Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick.  The matchmaker tells her that he’s wearing a grey jacket and jeans and this is already a fashion strike against him.  Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers!  In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a 180 on her stiletto.  And I know what she’s thinking, if I turn fast enough, he won’t even know it was me and I can beat feet back to the McMans and be in my jammies and up to my elbow in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by 8:30.  The Bravo Intern hiding under the hostess Pottery Barn podium springs to action and gives her a li’l pep-talk.  As in, this week’s paycheck is contingent on you enduring this unsettling blind date.  Porsha walks over to meet him, sits down, complains that it’s too hot in the restaurant, and chugs a glass of water.  In what world is this man her type?  Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified.  Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord.  My “mom” is “staying with me” and she can’t be alone for more than 30 minutes.  Sake bombs for everyone!  What a waste of an outfit and a wig.

Porsha Dud

In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley.  They go indoor skydiving and we learn that Kandi is working too much, she’s never around, and never follows through.  #GOALS!  Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate!  At least your mom is TRYING to spend time with you and all her bizznizzez will benefit you if you’re sensible.  Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama!

Cynthia stops by to see Papa Smurf in a dusty, empty lot, which is the future location of “Bar Two” in ATL.  She owns 25% of this ill-fated bidness venture, but that’s the least of her problems since she utters “Uncle Ben looks steamy enough to boil a hot pot o’ rice”.  Umm… EW!  Apparently, Bar None and Sports Done are doing well, so now Papa Smurf thinks he can take ATL.  Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.  She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses.  Hey, somebody gotta pay da’ rent at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models.

Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.  Kandi has already Googled, deployed her OLG word-on-the-street-team, and is prepared to grill Will like a Bubba Burger.  Props to Kandi for lookin’ out for her girl… ATL has a lotta folk who fake it ‘til they makes it!  Todd keeps bringing up Peter, because apparently, he’s not fully over the divorce yet.  As if it wasn’t awkward enough in the confines of the stern of the boat, Kandi brings up the fact that Will has appeared on a Steve Harvey Show episode about dating and a reality dating show.  Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show.  We are reminded via montage of how everyone attacked Todd’s motives when he latched on to Kandi’s teet, so I guess it’s only fair.

Mama Joyce on yer ass

Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk.  Cynthia reveals that she and Will haven’t gotten jiggy with it yet and she fears that the sexual tension is so hot, that it’s built up too much, and it might not be good.  Kandi advises her to “check out the thickness of his hands” and that should calm her nerves and quell any misgivings.  Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed.  Real smooth… 50-Cyn!

SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.  At first, it’s CRICKETS.  The girls talk a bit more, they love their mom dearly and think she’s super woman, then they hug it out.  Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment.  Her cellphone rings and PRISON-BAE pops up on the display, “um, yeah, life coach… I’m gonna need to take this”.  She makes Jack wait while she talks to Tyrone, we learn that SBS and Tyrone dated several years ago, but he ghosted because he didn’t want to embroil her in his legal predicaments.  Wow, now that’s love.  Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live?  He’s in a big house, a lovely joint, Greybar Knolls Estates, a great corner lot, yard view, personal chef, home gym, state of the art security system, and all utilities and cable included!  Let’s toast, shall we, CLINK!  Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision.  He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles.  SBS has no fears or doubts, PRISON-BAE is her DESTI-NAE!  With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years!

Next week – Kenya and SBS teaming up for the domestic violence coalition, Porsha flirts with a workplace romance, and an OLG uprising.

Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

San Francisco Treat

We pick up right where we left off at the “LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH” party, where everyone has lost their dayum minds.  Kenya and Wigs-n-Cigs are goin’ at it like two cats on a waffle iron.  Wigs is completely unhinged, and I’m talkin’ Apollo darting around with a power drill unhinged.  Unhinged, unhinged.  Kroy rushes in, wearing his same jeans from 2002 – clearly, it’s time for the designated driver to fulfil his duty and save this beyotch from her poor decision making.  Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times.  Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.  Nene has a valid point however, “you can’t be postin’ stuff about your own chile suckin’ dick and then be mad when someone says your chile is suckin’ a dick.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Poor Gregg, all he was hoping for out of this “Shucked Seafood Soirée” was to shuffle around, maybe sneak a plate of clams casino into the man cave, and wash down his nine different heart medications with a Moscow Mule.

Hold back Wigs

Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes.  Suddenly, a knock at the door… it’s SBS, Wigs, and their chaperone King Kroy.  They dragged their dumb assess all the way to this side of town, might as well stop off and collude with Kenya’s arch enemy.  Porsha can’t handle all the messiness and demands her assistant bring her a tumbler of Hennessey.  Wigs actually appears to be legit drunk, she gets the story all twisted and now alleges that Kenya said she was pimpin’ out Brielle to get John Legend tickets for her “injured son.”  Kenya is getting the full vilification treatment here, I hope she had a Groupon!

Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash.  Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday.  I have to admit, Kenya behaved for the most part and tried to keep a lid on it until she just couldn’t control herself any longer.  Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher – Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board.  Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.  Girl ain’t woke.

Kandi has returned to town and she hangs out with Don Juan, worrying about her “bad mom” anxiety.  In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.  SBS doesn’t let the visit slide by without spilling some tea, Kandi is already howling with laughter when she hears that SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs to Nene’s party.  SBS gives the play by play, Don Juan (who has no dog in this fight) doesn’t even believe Kenya would say anything about Wigs’ “injured son”.  Screw the bad mom anxiety, Kandi is ALL IN for this trip.

Kandi - Ace

Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity.  Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man.  I’m glad she is being a smart, independent, young lady!  Cynthia, on the other hand, has her snare in full force and effect, “where there’s a Will there’s a way” and she wants him to go Cynthia’s way.

We learn that Kenya’s grandmother passed away, who was the one who essentially raised her.  Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation.  Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.  Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport!

Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew.  She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse.  Yea, that’s their story and their sticking to it.  Nene is already planting evil seeds about “Cynthia and her wig need to calm down” and Porsha “the door is CLOSED!”  Nene is ready to start some shit, so she needs a non-peach holder in her corner.

As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!  This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene.  Oh yes, SBS is seeing someone, she’s in love, but she is not having any physical contact with said love interest.  WHY, you ask dear reader, WHY?  Oh because PRISON IS WHY!  Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!?  Can’t she arrange for a conjugal visit?!?!  GOOD LORD – I guess the heart wants what it wants, but DAYUM Shereé.  We just moved past Bob, the Chateau is built has baseboards and is semi-furnished, just WHY?  Prison wear by Shereé?  Who knows, maybe Tyrone feels like a safe place for SBS – he behind bars so he can’t lie, cheat, leave dirty dishes in the sink, or stink up the Chateau with his heinous man farts.

They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed.  She sniffs it out and arrives at Marlo’s room, the two take a hit and head off for dinner.  Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny.  The funniest thing here is that SBS hasn’t even changed out of her airplane sweats, but the fact that Kandi is pissed because she had to wait two hours for chicken fingers when all the while, SBS had no intention of even changing her clothes.  Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring.  Um, yeah, so Nene… Porsha… heard you two have some issues, DISCUSS!  Nene and Porsha start going back and forth, which has to be the funniest exchange since the Teresa – Joe Re-Done home exchange (See RHNJ – “Cool as a Whistle”).  These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Nene:  I’m not upset, you’re upset.

Porsha:  So you’re angry.

Nene:  No, you’re angry.

Porsha:  So you were angry.

Nene:  You’re the one that’s in anger management!

Porsha:  You need to be!

Nene:  You need to be!

Nene-Porsha Argue

ROLL THE TAPES, ROLL ‘EM BACK!  ROLL THE TAPES!  HANGRY!  WHERE’S MY POWER DRILL?!?!

If Nene’s top-knot is any indicator, she is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche.  Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.  Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted.

The F-Bombs start flying and we end there.  Next week, Cynthia consoles Porsha, Nene calls SBS new boo a con-artist, and more shit talk about Kenya.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Jive Talkin’

This episode was a bit of a snooze-fest, there was very little by way of drama and the cast-mates actually didn’t behave like rabid lemurs.  The theme this week is party at Chateau Shereé – 70’s theme birthday party for Velma, who is turning 70!  #seewhatSBSdidthere?

Cynthia is busily swiping away on her Tinder app and she happens upon hunky Will, who has cheekbones to rival her own.  She throws on some old pajamas Papa Smurf left behind and heads out for a cocktail.  Will is 41, he’s a sassy Capricorn, and knows all the right things to say.  He’s never been married, but he has one broken engagement and a daughter to show for it!  He offers to show Cynthia a picture of said daughter, but dadgummit, he doesn’t swear and never brings his phone on a date!  Cynthia is sucking up this Mr. Smooth act like it’s black tar heroin.  Later, Kenya gives Cynthia dating advice, “go slow” and assume Mr. Smooth is definitely seeing other women.  I think I heard the collective sigh America – yes, Kenya giving dating advice, go slow, don’t marry him until the third date.

Cynthia date

In other Kenya news, her dog King has peed on her wedding dress so she decides to leave 432 voice mail messages for her invisible husband.  The voice mail bitch keeps cutting her off… “I’m sorry, your message was entirely too long and vapid, please try again.”

Is it me or does the Kandi Koated Factory seem like the place where nobody does any actual work?  They all sit in the alarmingly disproportionate furniture for the space, gossip about Kandi’s cast-mates, and hold staff meetings that never resolve anything.  Kandi’s trusty assistant, Carmon, is starting her own insurance bidness being financed by some Kandi Koated Koin.  Key takeaway?  Don Juan can’t f*ck up this empire all by himself, he needs some qualified help.  I hear Lauren may be looking for a new gig…

Porsha, Lauren, and their mother are far too lazy to actually exercise, so the dump a fortune at a day spa for a body wrap.  When the technician finishes wrapping them up and advises that they need to get on the cardio equipment for optimal results, Porsha stares at the woman with disdain, as if she had thrown all of Baby Vegan’s meat away!  Porsha’s ass fat pops out and they jump around on some mini-tramps for three minutes.

Porsha wrapped

Somewhere in all this foolishness, Porsha calls a meeting with her business consultant.  He walks into the coffee shop to meet Porsha and Lauren and his first words are “what idea do we have now?”.  Clearly, he is no stranger to the Porsha Williams hare-brained idea mill, which was originally constructed after the collapse of the underground railroad.  Porsha wants to open a hair salon within three months and she can bounce a rent check for up to $10,000 per month.  The real estate agent has also joined them and asks for a business model and plan – Porsha and Lauren look at each other like, “maybe the Baby Vegan ate our bidness plan!”  The two men leave to return to their actual jobs, the Bravo intern slips them both a C-Note for appearing.  Porsha and Lauren have the same fight they had last season, Lauren is tired of being paid in circus peanuts from her bossy, asshole sister and Porsha is tired of being called an asshole by her ungrateful little sister.  Porsha flies into a rage and Lauren walks out yelling “screw you!”  So much for focusing on family!

It’s about four hours before Velma’s birthday party and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when SBS unleashes her heretofore contained hellfire on the party planner.  The party planner sends SBS a passive-aggressive text regarding the tension between them, which doesn’t align with her business practices, therefore f*ck you and by the way, you will need to pick up your own table linens.  HA – consider yourself checked, BOO!

Check me boo

SBS calls the party planner and goes right into voice mail, there is no flip out and I’m not sure I like all this life coachin’ nonsense SBS is ingesting by way of Jack Daniels.  SBS leaves a message – she’s about to tear up, this is her mother’s big day, this disco ball and restaurant grade bug zapper aren’t going to install themselves!

Cynthia and Nene meet over at Moore Manor to pre-party and help Kenya select an outfit.  Nene is more concerned about assessing Baby’s closet containing clothing with tags still on, rather than worrying about her own hubby who is in the hospital with chest pains and numbness.  The party must go on, Nene can be late getting to his bedside tomorrow!

Everyone arrives at the party and things seem to have come together without the party planner.  SBS is getting her Donna Summer on, but she looks more like Pam Grier.  All the ladies have a good time, dancin’ the night away.  Kenya dropped down into the splits in the Soul Train line.  I hope she didn’t tear a labia!  All this rented spandex makes me wanna bathe in germ squirt.

Kenya dancing

Anyhoo – this is a momentous occasion, a RHATL first.  An actual social event being held for a legitimate reason and no fisticuffs in the party or the parking lot!  Stay tuned, next week looks like the drama ramps up – Kandi gets an Essence Magazine cover, Cynthia continues to date Mr. I’m Smooth until I’m not, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs results in a Clash of the Titans.

Where’s the Beef?

The Bravo intern has finally churned out the lackluster taglines, here we go:

  • NeNe: “Ten years in the game, and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta!”
  • Porsha: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”
  • Cynthia: “Age is just a number, but these cheekbones are timeless!”
  • Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss, ‘cause you might get fired!”
  • Kenya: “While some were saying ‘I can’t,’ I was saying ‘I do!’ ”
  • Shereé: “Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea!”

I think Kandi’s takes the golden peach of all that is juicy, no doubt that is a direct BURN headed straight for Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks!  She messed with the bull last season and got the horns.  So let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich, shall we?

Porsha is having her sister and niece move in to her McMans, apparently Lauren’s baby daddy has checked out, SHOCKING!  It’s time for the Bravo patented, “rehashin’ in da kitchen” scene, whereby Porsha fills in her family on her latest drama for paychex.  Porsha’s mother is barely listening, she is too busy trying to corner a tomato in her salad bowl.  Next time, slice the tomato in half so that slippery sucker won’t continue to elude you!  Later, Porsha decides she’s going vegan and she disposes of all meat in her house, and can we have a moment of silence for the BACONATOR!?!?  You know street urchin will garbage-pick that machine in an ATL minute!  Lauren recommends Porsha go vegan for at least six months and then freeze her eggs, right now her eggs are full of Hennessey and in the middle of a bar fight!

Porsha meat

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia is meeting a man about a chicken… turns out it’s a date with Norbit!  Her date, Evan, is like 12 years old, but that doesn’t stop this cougar from getting her photo-shoot on and a free meal.  She and Evan engage in this corny photo shoot, all the sudden he leads her to another room for dinner and she has a completely different hairdo.  Someone fire the continuity editor, STAT!  We learn that Evan is only 29 and Cynthia asks if his father might be single and hot.

Norbit

SBS walks into an office building and, this next part completely made this 10 seasons of f*cked up insanity all worth it… I give you life coach, Jack Daniels.  Yea, let that sink into your psyche for a moment.  Rest assured my dear reader, he has no connection to the libation of destruction and mayhem.  SBS is meeting with Jack Daniels to discuss her deep-rooted issues regarding Bob, the abusive years.  She’s still very emotional over it and wants to get to the point where she won’t cry when she thinks about it.  Sidebar:  There’s a wedding photo on Jack Daniels’ credenza and it looks like Kenya!  Jack gives SBS a homework assignment to rehearse how she wants to have this conversation with her kids and to burn that fried, dyed, on the side, atomic blonde wiglette.  Clearly that wiglette is from the Wigs-n-Cigs season one collection.

rhoa-sheree-wig-min

Kandi offers her guest house as a neutral rehearsal venue – SBS and friends sit down to have the tough conversation and the scenes are edited to give the appearance that this is taking about 10 hours.

Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk, Cynthia is bummed that Kenya went off and got married.  She thought the two of them would both be single, trollin’ for eligible, sexual chocolate, and rippin’ it up together.  Now all Cynthia has is her damn lake.  We learn that Chef Roble introduced Kenya to her hubby in Brooklyn NY.  Baby is a very private person and he’s struggling with being married to a reality starlette.  Later, Kenya is playing dress up in her closet, re-living her wedding.  Kenya gets Brandon on the horn and complains about the public fodder via the online trolls.  Sidebar:  Eye spy with my little eye, a “Moore Manor” pillow!  Brandon dispenses some of his sage advice, “they can go kick rocks, suck a f*ckin’ egg-roll, cut out the noise.”  Everything he just said, I want to get tattooed on my body.  Kenya starts crying off-camera to her producer/handler, I give this marriage six months before it free-falls into a fiery abyss.  FIST BUMP!

Kenya vail

Kandi and Shamea are shopping for some African wedding wear because she is getting married in Kenya Africa and the rehearsal dinner will be held in the bush.  SBS pops into the mix, but she will only be attending the bridal shower.  This gives the gals the perfect segue to gossip about why Porsha won’t be at the wedding, she claimed the first-class tickets are $10,000.  Kandi got her ticket for $5,000, so what’s the big deal.  Dayum Porsha, take the underground railroad!

It’s the big day of Shamea’s bridal shower/bachelorette combo party platter day of every-thang.  All the ladies are dressed as if attending a civilized afternoon tea party, while there are topless, Chippendale-like, male waiters scurrying all over the place.  Porsha walks in and mistakes SBS for Wigs-n-Cigs, so clearly this girl has bigger issues than not being able to afford a plane ticket.  Porsha tries to act natural, but the tension is thick as her false eyelash glue.  Porsha attempts to explain to Shamea that she cannot fly coach because of her medical “condition”, Vasovagal syndrome and low blood pressure.   I wonder how many of us simultaneously googled that just now.  Anyway – Welcome to, yet another installment, of Porsha’s bullshit.  Kandi is low-key annoyed by all this, she would rather go participate in a dreadful bridal shower game, which consists of tying a raw hot dog on a string around your waist and lowering said wiener into the bottom of a Dixie cup with a hole cut out of it.  This was straight up unsettling folks.  Move along, nothing to see here other than SBS lowering the wiener into the hole in record time.  Not her first rodeo!

Shamea is giving Porsha a hard time about not coming to Africa for the Coming to America wedding.  Kandi and Carmon are mocking Porsha about her various doctor’s notes and excuses that she utilizes to get out of life.  Carmon takes a really low jab, “Porsha can’t sit with her legs down, they’re used to being up.”  Everyone starts shuffling out and ten minutes later Shamea and Porsha are fighting in her car.  Porsha is pissed about being called out in front of the Kandi Koated Klique and Shamea merely wants to understand why her childhood friend can’t pop for a plane ticket to her wedding.  Porsha finally decides she’s not willing to Vaseline her face and fight right now, so she will be a friend to Shamea from afar.  Which is no different from what she’s been doing.  She’s in the NFL now – NO.  FRIENDS.  LEFT.

Shamea argue.jpg

Next time – Cynthia continues to wade in the shallow dating pool, Nene deals with Gregg’s health scare, Porsha and Lauren get into it, and SBS asks her party planner “who gon’ check me, boo?”

Baby Bump

Hello followers, sorry for the delay in this RHATL recap.  I’ve got this pesky full-time job thingy that really gets in the way of my creative outlets.  Anyhoo – I’m back bitches, and ready to have some fun.  There’s a lot to unpack here, let’s start with some general RHATL housekeeping:

First and foremost – WHERE ARE THE TAGLINES?  The Bravo intern must still be toiling away over his laptop, his asshole sweating like it’s being paid to.  We’ll let it slide for this week, but next week we want taglines and they better be on point!

Second – Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks is no longer.  This is for the best – her puffed-up foolishness had grown tiresome on all fronts, and there’s part of me that was starting to think she had that Apollo chasing her with the power drill moment coming to her.  But folks… this means THERE IS NO AYDEN.  This also contributed to my recap delay, I wept for days and awoke in a ditch covered in Oreo dust.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way… what have these fools been up to?  Kandi is focusing on the OLG restaurant, and it’s on and poppin’!  Kandi is trying a thick, blocky bang… which oddly works for her.  The furtive OLG posse is perched high atop a balcony, staring down in disbelief at the line wrapped around the block.  Everyone in the ATL is ready to get into this joint and tear into some fried chicken.  Todd’s new tagline is “They sellin’ chicken like Colorado sellin’ marijuana!”

Kandi gives her annual, obligatory speech about how she isn’t going to get bogged down by the haters, she is the self-proclaimed “people’s champ”.  She’s mom first, restaurant owner second, and let’s not forget she is a member of this dysfunctional ensemble and starring in her own spin-off show – getting XScape back together, man!

Shifting over to Lake Bailey, Cynthia has finally found her zen through a leaf blower.  As she preps her deck for company, she throws some grapes and Laughing Cow on a saucer and pops the Prosecco.  Rolls Royce Nene is at the door and she is taken aback by the “acreage” of Lake Bailey.  Cynthia finally has money in the bank, which apparently entitles her to celebrate a birthday year.  Some folks celebrate a birthday weekend, or a birthday month, but Ms. Cynthia ain’t stoppin’.  It’s my birthday year, damn it, and I am throwing another theme party where everyone must dress up as a version of ME!  It’s 50 shades of Cynthia, I can hardly wait.

As the two catch up, Cynthia wastes no time in announcing to Nene that arch-rival Kenya, is now married.  Cynthia was in the dark, so I spy a rift in the budding BFFL territory.  Kenya twirls in, cut the small talk, let the grilling commence!  Nene wants receipts for this marriage, but she’ll get nothing and like it.  Kenya will only drop a few morsels, she knew said “Baby” for four months, oh and his name, yeah it’s “Baby”.  Brilliant, smashing – move along folks, no red flags of a doomed marriage to see here!  A simple Google search tells us his name is Marc Daly, and let me just say… by the looks of this wedding photo, these two are going places.  When your groom gives you a fist-bump to seal the nuptials, Guuuuuurrrrl… you know it’s built to last!

Kenya married

Nene presses for a name, but Kenya won’t budge, “Baby” it is!  So, is this like “Baby Driver”, “Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby”?  I just don’t get it.  Kenya goes on to reveal that they are going to dump Moore McMansion and find a new house of cards within which to live.  Moore McMans. has too many ghosts of hired psychos past and no baseboards.  We finally get a glimpse of the ring, but Nene is still not buying what she’s selling.  Nene wants a copy of the Marriage License, and quite frankly so does the rest of America.

Bitch what

We see Kenya talking to her father later while she tools around in her Bentley.  Listening to her father talk is like watching the DMV sloth from Zootopia.  OY VEY… use your words Papa Moore!  He has a case of the sads over missing his daughter’s wedding and having to learn about it via Facebook post.  She didn’t invite him because she thought her dad would say something to frighten the skittish Baby.  Again, no red flags here… all is right in the ATL.

Sloth

We catch up with our favorite violent, angry ditz, Porsha.  She is now dispensing advice via podcast, and apparently, she preps by tearing into a chicken dinner and shooting warm Hennessey.  Gettin’ paid to be an idiot!  What has this nation come to?  Porsha does the podcast with her sister and cousin, they talk to their pretend audience, discussing working with friends.  This is a perfect segue for Porsha to announce that she has “locked it down” when it comes to her friends.  She tells the girls that Phaedra has been texting, but Lauren warns to keep her distance.  We also learn that Porsha and Nene have a big, two-year old, beef sangwich between them.  Apparently when Nene gave her some actual sound advice, by way of “Bitch, keep your motherf*ckin’ hands offa people”, Porsha didn’t take that under advisement and Nene is as ruffled as her costumes.

She by Shereé is back, in her resident role of floating, shit-stirring mechanism of destruction.  She is also rotating some very confusing wiglettes.  We must address the elephant in the room, which is what I have lovingly dubbed the “Fried, Dyed, on the Side, Atomic Blonde” wig.  SBS up to some international espionage, are we?

SBS Atomic Blonde

Maybe there’s more to SBS than meets the eye… no, we’ve looked into her eyes, there’s less.  #seinfeldreference #seewhatididthere?

Newman meets eye

SBS drops by Nene’s new boutique – SWAGG.  Not to be confused with POSCHE – different state, different HO’s.  Anyhoo, SBS is ready to throw shade all over the damn place.  She’s playing it close to the vest, all details on her own personal life are on Defcon 4, security lock down.  Not much going on here, just Nene peacocking her return to the cast and setting up the shit-storm that will gust through this entire season.

Finally, it’s the big day of Cynthia’s “you know you wanna be me, bitch” themed party.  We learn that she and Papa Smurf are now BFFL’s (READ:  Exes with benefits in lieu of spousal support checks).  Papa ain’t comin’ to this shin-dig however, his wait-staff in Charlotte aren’t going to grope themselves!  Malorie and Cynthia’s mom arrive and they’re asking about Peter as if they like him now.  What f*cked up parallel universe have we entered into?  Guests arrive at the party, Cynthia makes her grand entrance and she’s chosen a really ugly yellow dress because she wants to reflect “love and light”.  Insert RHNJ crossover here:

Love light image

Cynthia probably should have re-thought the gladiator lace up in the back, it’s creating some unruly back stuff in the most unflattering way.  But what the hell… she’s 50 BITCH!  Cynthia presents a horrifying looking award to Kandi for “the best Cynthia”, which consists of the Coca Cola Can Curlers Cynthia.  The party starts to dissipate, some of the guests continue to drink and play “mother*ckin’ walk off”, Malorie almost blows out her cankle, and the team Porsha vs. everyone else alliances begin to take shape.

kandi-soda-cans-min

SBS insists that Porsha talk to everyone and Nene rips into her like a hot chicken drummie.  Porsha is upset that Nene said she should be fired from the show, Nene denies using the word “fired”, Porsha demands receipts!  ROLL THE EFFIN’ TAPE!  Nene is prepared to fight like the experienced big dawg she is.  She wants a full audit, produce receipts for the last seven years, then we’ll talk!

nene-porsha-confront

Whew… well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m exhausted.  Next time – Cynthia tries her hand at Tinder, Kenya is having marital issues already, and Porsha continues to have idiot issues.

Reunion – Part Quatre

We pick up where we left off last week – the moment before #HouseOfCardsByPhaedra comes crashing down into a pile of messy rubble.  There is a lot of caterwauling, fake crying, shrieking, and too-little, too-late apologizing here…Parts 1 & 2 were the bread, part 3 was the mayo and mustard, now let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich!

Phaedra has now admitted she repeated the rumor to Porsha, that Kandi hatched a plan to pull a Bill Cosby on Porsha and drag her back to her sex dungeon, and commit untold things.  With this admission, Porsha fires back at her BFF (soon to be former) – “YOU TOLD ME KANDI SAID IT TO YOU!”  This is where Kandi freaks out and a fiery hailstorm of “THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES!” rains down on Phaedra.

Kandi - Flip Out

Porsha starts breaking down, realizing that her BFF used her as pawn in her game to start a vicious rumor, but nobody is buying her tears.  I am not really either, considering there are no actual tears coming out of her botox-blocked ducts.  She is faking all the way and these two must have used a Groupon for some back alley acting class.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

Kandi is legit crying and her copper glitter makeup is in her eyes and she’s blinded.  She stumbles off stage and yells to Todd that she’s ready to “punch them Ho’s in the face!”  Now there’s a show I can get behind!

Shamea sits with Porsha trying really hard not to say “I told you so”, but she big, fat, says it anyway and this isn’t a message Porsha is ready to receive.  Porsha asks for her sister to come in and comfort her, while her BFF, partner in crime, is calmly having her curls touched up.

Everyone else is milling around backstage, they have kicked off their heels and are walking around in their pedicure lily pads.  They are ready to lay down, wiggle out of their spanx, and make some popcorn!  Kenya gets Brandon on the phone to check her appointment book – nope won’t give any f*cks tomorrow either!

Kenya - Calendar

OHAC drops in on Porsha, she feels set up, but knowing that the show must go on, he encourages her to tidy up that eyeliner and apologize to Kandi.  He heads across the hall to visit Kandi, and he says “I’m shocked”, while maintaining a cool, half-smiling demeanor, which suggests he is the opposite of shocked.  He glances at his watch… touch it up and get back on that stage.  Dance, monkeys, dance!

Dance Monkey

Phaedra’s touched up weave is all set and she creeps in to Porsha’s area saying “I’m sorry!”  Porsha is fanning herself with a paper plate she grabbed from craft services.  If she has any sense at all she will throw that friendship contract in the nearest appliance fire and run!

Porsha - fanning

The gang assembles themselves back into the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and Porsha asks Phaedra when she was going to “stop the madness” and Phaedra sits there like a clam with lockjaw and dementia.

Porsha insists that Phaedra relayed this rumor as first-hand information, but Phaedra tries to play the “you heard me wrong” card.  Kenya pipes up “here comes the spin”!  Porsha threatens to pull out text messages and receipts.  I sorta wish she would have, but then we would be into part cinq, and I really want to get on with my life.

Porsha insists her BFF maintained this information was first-hand up until two days ago.  Phaedra will not supply any explanation other than “bad judgment” and “I made a rash decision”!  Sorry counselor Parks, a “rash decision” is eating the entire cake instead of just a slice, #Don’tJudgeMe.  You don’t normally make said “rash decision” repeatedly, over a period of 12 successive weeks.  #AgainDon’tJudgeMe!

We migrate a bit away from the Bill Cosby allegations and Phaedra does cop to the “Marvin” rumor, which Kandi finds funny because Todd hasn’t even been to New York since his mother passed.  Wow, at this point Phaedra should feel like a grade-A piece of dog shit scraped from the bottom of an algae ridden pond, filled with toxic radioactive waste.  We briefly touch on the Johnnie lawsuit, Phaedra’s dabblings with Mr. Chocolate, who she claims is a man she was speaking to, but never met, and he was encouraging her.  Let’s bag the “is there hope for this friendship” segment and call it a freaking day!

At the end, OHAC presents Cynthia with a 50th birthday cake with trick candles, but we are done with tricks!  Get rid of Frick and Frack!  Well I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, winded, and bereft!  See you next season!