Will the Real Flat Marc Please Stand Up?

Everyone is poppin’ their corks this week!  After the fight between Nene and Porsha won’t come to an end, Marlo “check my charges”, drags Nene away while covering her mouth.  Funny how the tables have turned!  A few reunions ago, Nene was covering Porsha’s mouth to keep her from poppin’ off on Kenya!  Dayum, these bitches be figtin’ for 10 seasons, it’s bound to come full circle.  Kenya, Kandi, and Cynthia leave with Nene, as the elevator doors close, Nene and her wily bun run amok shout “THE DOOR IS CAAAHHH-LOSED!”  SBS and her Atomic Blonde wig feel bad for Porsha, although she completely instigated this whole blow up.  I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices.

Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express.  She doesn’t seem to have the chops to be on this show.  Kandi gets the line of the night: “Y’all made us leave before our food came!”  Guuuuurrrrl after my own heart!  Nene can’t shut up, she is outraged with the white-hot intensity of 1,000 cinnabuns.

Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear – baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses.  Nene is already at the bar gettin’ her drank on.  SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun.  Although Porsha may rip that pony right off her scalp as if she’s starting a lawn mower.

All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.  Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes.

Porsha trolley

They jump off at Fisherman’s Wharf and take a photo in front of Alcatraz, which is a perfect segue for the ladies to gossip about SBS’ love interest Tyrone.  Nene knows him from “way back” and he is a known con-artist who stole $4 million from his company.  Kandi expresses concern about Chateau Shereé around the likes of such a cunning man-friend, and Kenya can’t resist a dig, “well it’s not in her name, so…”  Chateau Thelma is SAFE!  Meanwhile, SBS, Marlo, and Porsha meandered down to Chinatown, where you get off the trolley and it feels like Tokyo!  How did you get there Porsha?  Underground railroad, wrong continent!  While in Chinatown, they ponder the vegan-ness of fortune cookies and decide to purchase some cheap props to throw a mock wedding for Kenya for the purpose of passive-aggressively cheering her up before sending her off to her grandmother’s funeral.

Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.  Yes, ladies and gents… it’s “Flat Marc”.  There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire.  Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.  The stand-in groomsman is wearing a “Henny” shirt, gold lame sneakers, and his best DERP face.  In case you missed it:

ceremony

Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony.  YOU HAD ONE JOB!  After the joke is over, Porsha pulls Kandi aside to apologize again, but bitch ain’t havin’ it, nor should she.

Flat Marc

The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL.  AND.  WHATEVER.  MECHANISM.  WITH.  WHICH.  A.  TRAIN. IS.  DRIVEN.  On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce.  She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi.  Porsha orders a vegan meal and Kandi and Kenya give her about another week before she’s tearin’ into some chicken wangs like a savage wildebeest.  Kandi agrees that Porsha can benefit from any type of diet and says out loud “You was gettin’ a li’l chunky”.  HOLD UP – I suppose we can let that one slide, Kandi, ‘cuz you was pregnant for 18 months [oh wait, that was Phaedra], but c’mon guuurrrrl.  Who here can’t miss a meal?!  Who has Domino’s on speed dial?  Anyhoo – Kenya starts going on about how her husband likes her smaller, toned smaller, hates makeup, he loves strong, successful women, but she can’t be an alpha woman at home.  Welp – I give Porsha’s vegan diet better odds than this marriage.  Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married?  At the other table, SBS discusses Tyrone, Nene asks if “he gonna come by trickin’ stocks”, but SBS assures us all, he is in da’ joint for wire and securities fraud only.

The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.  The host, Jean-Charles, hands Porsha the Sabre to cut the neck of the Champagne bottle.  Ummm… Jean-Charles, maybe you didn’t receive a copy of the itinerary, but this woman should not be handed sharp objects.  Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try.  Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them.  He feeds the single ladies bunches of grapes, Porsha and Cynthia daintily take a grape, but Marlo “check my charges”, hoovers it down like she’s Monica Lewinsky.  SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars.  Jean-Charles announces that he’s married and has two daughters.  Porsha’s whole demeanor shifts, “c’mon with the tour, chile!”

grapes - marlo

They take their shoes off to smash the grapes in tubs and Porsha wigs out because she arrives at the startling realization that she has been swilling down “feet juice” all this time.  Nene declines the grape smushing, citing the most amazeballs excuse I’ve ever heard, “I don’t want to get my big toe wet”.  I’m filing that one in my rolodex of excuses not to do something!

After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard.  Jean-Charles serves them a wine they make with John Legend, Nene immediately tweets “who do I have to blow for a case of John Legend’s wine!?!?”  Haha, where is Wigs-n-Cigs when you need her?

SBS toasts to Kandi’s recent Essence magazine cover, Kandi reveals that she and Todd did a drive-by of Flat Marc’s restaurant while in NYC, but they did not go inside.  Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.  Cynthia ain’t havin’ it and she walks out, Nene follows her out to diminish her feelings and basically tell her there’s no reason to be upset.  So… I guess poppin’ off in a rage-fueled, bun-unraveling, outburst is better?  Cynthia understands the marriage situation isn’t normal, but she’s trying to respect Kenya’s process with it, pursuant to section VIII, 15.8 (d) of the Friendship Contract.  Cynthia returns to the table and finally admits that she is hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding and that she still hasn’t met the real Flat Marc.

Slim shady

Next week:  Cynthia confronts Kenya about Marc, Porsha starts dating and may go for some white meat, and Kandi confronts Cynthia’s boyfriend Will about appearing on the Steve Harvey show for dating.

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San Francisco Treat

We pick up right where we left off at the “LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH” party, where everyone has lost their dayum minds.  Kenya and Wigs-n-Cigs are goin’ at it like two cats on a waffle iron.  Wigs is completely unhinged, and I’m talkin’ Apollo darting around with a power drill unhinged.  Unhinged, unhinged.  Kroy rushes in, wearing his same jeans from 2002 – clearly, it’s time for the designated driver to fulfil his duty and save this beyotch from her poor decision making.  Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times.  Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.  Nene has a valid point however, “you can’t be postin’ stuff about your own chile suckin’ dick and then be mad when someone says your chile is suckin’ a dick.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  Poor Gregg, all he was hoping for out of this “Shucked Seafood Soirée” was to shuffle around, maybe sneak a plate of clams casino into the man cave, and wash down his nine different heart medications with a Moscow Mule.

Hold back Wigs

Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes.  Suddenly, a knock at the door… it’s SBS, Wigs, and their chaperone King Kroy.  They dragged their dumb assess all the way to this side of town, might as well stop off and collude with Kenya’s arch enemy.  Porsha can’t handle all the messiness and demands her assistant bring her a tumbler of Hennessey.  Wigs actually appears to be legit drunk, she gets the story all twisted and now alleges that Kenya said she was pimpin’ out Brielle to get John Legend tickets for her “injured son.”  Kenya is getting the full vilification treatment here, I hope she had a Groupon!

Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash.  Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday.  I have to admit, Kenya behaved for the most part and tried to keep a lid on it until she just couldn’t control herself any longer.  Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher – Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board.  Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.  Girl ain’t woke.

Kandi has returned to town and she hangs out with Don Juan, worrying about her “bad mom” anxiety.  In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.  SBS doesn’t let the visit slide by without spilling some tea, Kandi is already howling with laughter when she hears that SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs to Nene’s party.  SBS gives the play by play, Don Juan (who has no dog in this fight) doesn’t even believe Kenya would say anything about Wigs’ “injured son”.  Screw the bad mom anxiety, Kandi is ALL IN for this trip.

Kandi - Ace

Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity.  Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man.  I’m glad she is being a smart, independent, young lady!  Cynthia, on the other hand, has her snare in full force and effect, “where there’s a Will there’s a way” and she wants him to go Cynthia’s way.

We learn that Kenya’s grandmother passed away, who was the one who essentially raised her.  Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation.  Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.  Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport!

Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew.  She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse.  Yea, that’s their story and their sticking to it.  Nene is already planting evil seeds about “Cynthia and her wig need to calm down” and Porsha “the door is CLOSED!”  Nene is ready to start some shit, so she needs a non-peach holder in her corner.

As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!  This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene.  Oh yes, SBS is seeing someone, she’s in love, but she is not having any physical contact with said love interest.  WHY, you ask dear reader, WHY?  Oh because PRISON IS WHY!  Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!?  Can’t she arrange for a conjugal visit?!?!  GOOD LORD – I guess the heart wants what it wants, but DAYUM Shereé.  We just moved past Bob, the Chateau is built has baseboards and is semi-furnished, just WHY?  Prison wear by Shereé?  Who knows, maybe Tyrone feels like a safe place for SBS – he behind bars so he can’t lie, cheat, leave dirty dishes in the sink, or stink up the Chateau with his heinous man farts.

They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed.  She sniffs it out and arrives at Marlo’s room, the two take a hit and head off for dinner.  Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny.  The funniest thing here is that SBS hasn’t even changed out of her airplane sweats, but the fact that Kandi is pissed because she had to wait two hours for chicken fingers when all the while, SBS had no intention of even changing her clothes.  Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring.  Um, yeah, so Nene… Porsha… heard you two have some issues, DISCUSS!  Nene and Porsha start going back and forth, which has to be the funniest exchange since the Teresa – Joe Re-Done home exchange (See RHNJ – “Cool as a Whistle”).  These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says.  Allow me to demonstrate:

Nene:  I’m not upset, you’re upset.

Porsha:  So you’re angry.

Nene:  No, you’re angry.

Porsha:  So you were angry.

Nene:  You’re the one that’s in anger management!

Porsha:  You need to be!

Nene:  You need to be!

Nene-Porsha Argue

ROLL THE TAPES, ROLL ‘EM BACK!  ROLL THE TAPES!  HANGRY!  WHERE’S MY POWER DRILL?!?!

If Nene’s top-knot is any indicator, she is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche.  Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.  Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted.

The F-Bombs start flying and we end there.  Next week, Cynthia consoles Porsha, Nene calls SBS new boo a con-artist, and more shit talk about Kenya.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Jive Talkin’

This episode was a bit of a snooze-fest, there was very little by way of drama and the cast-mates actually didn’t behave like rabid lemurs.  The theme this week is party at Chateau Shereé – 70’s theme birthday party for Velma, who is turning 70!  #seewhatSBSdidthere?

Cynthia is busily swiping away on her Tinder app and she happens upon hunky Will, who has cheekbones to rival her own.  She throws on some old pajamas Papa Smurf left behind and heads out for a cocktail.  Will is 41, he’s a sassy Capricorn, and knows all the right things to say.  He’s never been married, but he has one broken engagement and a daughter to show for it!  He offers to show Cynthia a picture of said daughter, but dadgummit, he doesn’t swear and never brings his phone on a date!  Cynthia is sucking up this Mr. Smooth act like it’s black tar heroin.  Later, Kenya gives Cynthia dating advice, “go slow” and assume Mr. Smooth is definitely seeing other women.  I think I heard the collective sigh America – yes, Kenya giving dating advice, go slow, don’t marry him until the third date.

Cynthia date

In other Kenya news, her dog King has peed on her wedding dress so she decides to leave 432 voice mail messages for her invisible husband.  The voice mail bitch keeps cutting her off… “I’m sorry, your message was entirely too long and vapid, please try again.”

Is it me or does the Kandi Koated Factory seem like the place where nobody does any actual work?  They all sit in the alarmingly disproportionate furniture for the space, gossip about Kandi’s cast-mates, and hold staff meetings that never resolve anything.  Kandi’s trusty assistant, Carmon, is starting her own insurance bidness being financed by some Kandi Koated Koin.  Key takeaway?  Don Juan can’t f*ck up this empire all by himself, he needs some qualified help.  I hear Lauren may be looking for a new gig…

Porsha, Lauren, and their mother are far too lazy to actually exercise, so the dump a fortune at a day spa for a body wrap.  When the technician finishes wrapping them up and advises that they need to get on the cardio equipment for optimal results, Porsha stares at the woman with disdain, as if she had thrown all of Baby Vegan’s meat away!  Porsha’s ass fat pops out and they jump around on some mini-tramps for three minutes.

Porsha wrapped

Somewhere in all this foolishness, Porsha calls a meeting with her business consultant.  He walks into the coffee shop to meet Porsha and Lauren and his first words are “what idea do we have now?”.  Clearly, he is no stranger to the Porsha Williams hare-brained idea mill, which was originally constructed after the collapse of the underground railroad.  Porsha wants to open a hair salon within three months and she can bounce a rent check for up to $10,000 per month.  The real estate agent has also joined them and asks for a business model and plan – Porsha and Lauren look at each other like, “maybe the Baby Vegan ate our bidness plan!”  The two men leave to return to their actual jobs, the Bravo intern slips them both a C-Note for appearing.  Porsha and Lauren have the same fight they had last season, Lauren is tired of being paid in circus peanuts from her bossy, asshole sister and Porsha is tired of being called an asshole by her ungrateful little sister.  Porsha flies into a rage and Lauren walks out yelling “screw you!”  So much for focusing on family!

It’s about four hours before Velma’s birthday party and it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, when SBS unleashes her heretofore contained hellfire on the party planner.  The party planner sends SBS a passive-aggressive text regarding the tension between them, which doesn’t align with her business practices, therefore f*ck you and by the way, you will need to pick up your own table linens.  HA – consider yourself checked, BOO!

Check me boo

SBS calls the party planner and goes right into voice mail, there is no flip out and I’m not sure I like all this life coachin’ nonsense SBS is ingesting by way of Jack Daniels.  SBS leaves a message – she’s about to tear up, this is her mother’s big day, this disco ball and restaurant grade bug zapper aren’t going to install themselves!

Cynthia and Nene meet over at Moore Manor to pre-party and help Kenya select an outfit.  Nene is more concerned about assessing Baby’s closet containing clothing with tags still on, rather than worrying about her own hubby who is in the hospital with chest pains and numbness.  The party must go on, Nene can be late getting to his bedside tomorrow!

Everyone arrives at the party and things seem to have come together without the party planner.  SBS is getting her Donna Summer on, but she looks more like Pam Grier.  All the ladies have a good time, dancin’ the night away.  Kenya dropped down into the splits in the Soul Train line.  I hope she didn’t tear a labia!  All this rented spandex makes me wanna bathe in germ squirt.

Kenya dancing

Anyhoo – this is a momentous occasion, a RHATL first.  An actual social event being held for a legitimate reason and no fisticuffs in the party or the parking lot!  Stay tuned, next week looks like the drama ramps up – Kandi gets an Essence Magazine cover, Cynthia continues to date Mr. I’m Smooth until I’m not, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs results in a Clash of the Titans.

Where’s the Beef?

The Bravo intern has finally churned out the lackluster taglines, here we go:

  • NeNe: “Ten years in the game, and I’m still the tastiest peach in Atlanta!”
  • Porsha: “Friends come and go, but family is forever.”
  • Cynthia: “Age is just a number, but these cheekbones are timeless!”
  • Kandi: Don’t mess with the boss, ‘cause you might get fired!”
  • Kenya: “While some were saying ‘I can’t,’ I was saying ‘I do!’ ”
  • Shereé: “Call me a bad server, because I always spill the tea!”

I think Kandi’s takes the golden peach of all that is juicy, no doubt that is a direct BURN headed straight for Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks!  She messed with the bull last season and got the horns.  So let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich, shall we?

Porsha is having her sister and niece move in to her McMans, apparently Lauren’s baby daddy has checked out, SHOCKING!  It’s time for the Bravo patented, “rehashin’ in da kitchen” scene, whereby Porsha fills in her family on her latest drama for paychex.  Porsha’s mother is barely listening, she is too busy trying to corner a tomato in her salad bowl.  Next time, slice the tomato in half so that slippery sucker won’t continue to elude you!  Later, Porsha decides she’s going vegan and she disposes of all meat in her house, and can we have a moment of silence for the BACONATOR!?!?  You know street urchin will garbage-pick that machine in an ATL minute!  Lauren recommends Porsha go vegan for at least six months and then freeze her eggs, right now her eggs are full of Hennessey and in the middle of a bar fight!

Porsha meat

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia is meeting a man about a chicken… turns out it’s a date with Norbit!  Her date, Evan, is like 12 years old, but that doesn’t stop this cougar from getting her photo-shoot on and a free meal.  She and Evan engage in this corny photo shoot, all the sudden he leads her to another room for dinner and she has a completely different hairdo.  Someone fire the continuity editor, STAT!  We learn that Evan is only 29 and Cynthia asks if his father might be single and hot.

Norbit

SBS walks into an office building and, this next part completely made this 10 seasons of f*cked up insanity all worth it… I give you life coach, Jack Daniels.  Yea, let that sink into your psyche for a moment.  Rest assured my dear reader, he has no connection to the libation of destruction and mayhem.  SBS is meeting with Jack Daniels to discuss her deep-rooted issues regarding Bob, the abusive years.  She’s still very emotional over it and wants to get to the point where she won’t cry when she thinks about it.  Sidebar:  There’s a wedding photo on Jack Daniels’ credenza and it looks like Kenya!  Jack gives SBS a homework assignment to rehearse how she wants to have this conversation with her kids and to burn that fried, dyed, on the side, atomic blonde wiglette.  Clearly that wiglette is from the Wigs-n-Cigs season one collection.

rhoa-sheree-wig-min

Kandi offers her guest house as a neutral rehearsal venue – SBS and friends sit down to have the tough conversation and the scenes are edited to give the appearance that this is taking about 10 hours.

Kenya and Cynthia go for a walk, Cynthia is bummed that Kenya went off and got married.  She thought the two of them would both be single, trollin’ for eligible, sexual chocolate, and rippin’ it up together.  Now all Cynthia has is her damn lake.  We learn that Chef Roble introduced Kenya to her hubby in Brooklyn NY.  Baby is a very private person and he’s struggling with being married to a reality starlette.  Later, Kenya is playing dress up in her closet, re-living her wedding.  Kenya gets Brandon on the horn and complains about the public fodder via the online trolls.  Sidebar:  Eye spy with my little eye, a “Moore Manor” pillow!  Brandon dispenses some of his sage advice, “they can go kick rocks, suck a f*ckin’ egg-roll, cut out the noise.”  Everything he just said, I want to get tattooed on my body.  Kenya starts crying off-camera to her producer/handler, I give this marriage six months before it free-falls into a fiery abyss.  FIST BUMP!

Kenya vail

Kandi and Shamea are shopping for some African wedding wear because she is getting married in Kenya Africa and the rehearsal dinner will be held in the bush.  SBS pops into the mix, but she will only be attending the bridal shower.  This gives the gals the perfect segue to gossip about why Porsha won’t be at the wedding, she claimed the first-class tickets are $10,000.  Kandi got her ticket for $5,000, so what’s the big deal.  Dayum Porsha, take the underground railroad!

It’s the big day of Shamea’s bridal shower/bachelorette combo party platter day of every-thang.  All the ladies are dressed as if attending a civilized afternoon tea party, while there are topless, Chippendale-like, male waiters scurrying all over the place.  Porsha walks in and mistakes SBS for Wigs-n-Cigs, so clearly this girl has bigger issues than not being able to afford a plane ticket.  Porsha tries to act natural, but the tension is thick as her false eyelash glue.  Porsha attempts to explain to Shamea that she cannot fly coach because of her medical “condition”, Vasovagal syndrome and low blood pressure.   I wonder how many of us simultaneously googled that just now.  Anyway – Welcome to, yet another installment, of Porsha’s bullshit.  Kandi is low-key annoyed by all this, she would rather go participate in a dreadful bridal shower game, which consists of tying a raw hot dog on a string around your waist and lowering said wiener into the bottom of a Dixie cup with a hole cut out of it.  This was straight up unsettling folks.  Move along, nothing to see here other than SBS lowering the wiener into the hole in record time.  Not her first rodeo!

Shamea is giving Porsha a hard time about not coming to Africa for the Coming to America wedding.  Kandi and Carmon are mocking Porsha about her various doctor’s notes and excuses that she utilizes to get out of life.  Carmon takes a really low jab, “Porsha can’t sit with her legs down, they’re used to being up.”  Everyone starts shuffling out and ten minutes later Shamea and Porsha are fighting in her car.  Porsha is pissed about being called out in front of the Kandi Koated Klique and Shamea merely wants to understand why her childhood friend can’t pop for a plane ticket to her wedding.  Porsha finally decides she’s not willing to Vaseline her face and fight right now, so she will be a friend to Shamea from afar.  Which is no different from what she’s been doing.  She’s in the NFL now – NO.  FRIENDS.  LEFT.

Shamea argue.jpg

Next time – Cynthia continues to wade in the shallow dating pool, Nene deals with Gregg’s health scare, Porsha and Lauren get into it, and SBS asks her party planner “who gon’ check me, boo?”

Baby Bump

Hello followers, sorry for the delay in this RHATL recap.  I’ve got this pesky full-time job thingy that really gets in the way of my creative outlets.  Anyhoo – I’m back bitches, and ready to have some fun.  There’s a lot to unpack here, let’s start with some general RHATL housekeeping:

First and foremost – WHERE ARE THE TAGLINES?  The Bravo intern must still be toiling away over his laptop, his asshole sweating like it’s being paid to.  We’ll let it slide for this week, but next week we want taglines and they better be on point!

Second – Phaedra Sparks Counselor Parks is no longer.  This is for the best – her puffed-up foolishness had grown tiresome on all fronts, and there’s part of me that was starting to think she had that Apollo chasing her with the power drill moment coming to her.  But folks… this means THERE IS NO AYDEN.  This also contributed to my recap delay, I wept for days and awoke in a ditch covered in Oreo dust.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way… what have these fools been up to?  Kandi is focusing on the OLG restaurant, and it’s on and poppin’!  Kandi is trying a thick, blocky bang… which oddly works for her.  The furtive OLG posse is perched high atop a balcony, staring down in disbelief at the line wrapped around the block.  Everyone in the ATL is ready to get into this joint and tear into some fried chicken.  Todd’s new tagline is “They sellin’ chicken like Colorado sellin’ marijuana!”

Kandi gives her annual, obligatory speech about how she isn’t going to get bogged down by the haters, she is the self-proclaimed “people’s champ”.  She’s mom first, restaurant owner second, and let’s not forget she is a member of this dysfunctional ensemble and starring in her own spin-off show – getting XScape back together, man!

Shifting over to Lake Bailey, Cynthia has finally found her zen through a leaf blower.  As she preps her deck for company, she throws some grapes and Laughing Cow on a saucer and pops the Prosecco.  Rolls Royce Nene is at the door and she is taken aback by the “acreage” of Lake Bailey.  Cynthia finally has money in the bank, which apparently entitles her to celebrate a birthday year.  Some folks celebrate a birthday weekend, or a birthday month, but Ms. Cynthia ain’t stoppin’.  It’s my birthday year, damn it, and I am throwing another theme party where everyone must dress up as a version of ME!  It’s 50 shades of Cynthia, I can hardly wait.

As the two catch up, Cynthia wastes no time in announcing to Nene that arch-rival Kenya, is now married.  Cynthia was in the dark, so I spy a rift in the budding BFFL territory.  Kenya twirls in, cut the small talk, let the grilling commence!  Nene wants receipts for this marriage, but she’ll get nothing and like it.  Kenya will only drop a few morsels, she knew said “Baby” for four months, oh and his name, yeah it’s “Baby”.  Brilliant, smashing – move along folks, no red flags of a doomed marriage to see here!  A simple Google search tells us his name is Marc Daly, and let me just say… by the looks of this wedding photo, these two are going places.  When your groom gives you a fist-bump to seal the nuptials, Guuuuuurrrrl… you know it’s built to last!

Kenya married

Nene presses for a name, but Kenya won’t budge, “Baby” it is!  So, is this like “Baby Driver”, “Maybe the Dingo ate your Baby”?  I just don’t get it.  Kenya goes on to reveal that they are going to dump Moore McMansion and find a new house of cards within which to live.  Moore McMans. has too many ghosts of hired psychos past and no baseboards.  We finally get a glimpse of the ring, but Nene is still not buying what she’s selling.  Nene wants a copy of the Marriage License, and quite frankly so does the rest of America.

Bitch what

We see Kenya talking to her father later while she tools around in her Bentley.  Listening to her father talk is like watching the DMV sloth from Zootopia.  OY VEY… use your words Papa Moore!  He has a case of the sads over missing his daughter’s wedding and having to learn about it via Facebook post.  She didn’t invite him because she thought her dad would say something to frighten the skittish Baby.  Again, no red flags here… all is right in the ATL.

Sloth

We catch up with our favorite violent, angry ditz, Porsha.  She is now dispensing advice via podcast, and apparently, she preps by tearing into a chicken dinner and shooting warm Hennessey.  Gettin’ paid to be an idiot!  What has this nation come to?  Porsha does the podcast with her sister and cousin, they talk to their pretend audience, discussing working with friends.  This is a perfect segue for Porsha to announce that she has “locked it down” when it comes to her friends.  She tells the girls that Phaedra has been texting, but Lauren warns to keep her distance.  We also learn that Porsha and Nene have a big, two-year old, beef sangwich between them.  Apparently when Nene gave her some actual sound advice, by way of “Bitch, keep your motherf*ckin’ hands offa people”, Porsha didn’t take that under advisement and Nene is as ruffled as her costumes.

She by Shereé is back, in her resident role of floating, shit-stirring mechanism of destruction.  She is also rotating some very confusing wiglettes.  We must address the elephant in the room, which is what I have lovingly dubbed the “Fried, Dyed, on the Side, Atomic Blonde” wig.  SBS up to some international espionage, are we?

SBS Atomic Blonde

Maybe there’s more to SBS than meets the eye… no, we’ve looked into her eyes, there’s less.  #seinfeldreference #seewhatididthere?

Newman meets eye

SBS drops by Nene’s new boutique – SWAGG.  Not to be confused with POSCHE – different state, different HO’s.  Anyhoo, SBS is ready to throw shade all over the damn place.  She’s playing it close to the vest, all details on her own personal life are on Defcon 4, security lock down.  Not much going on here, just Nene peacocking her return to the cast and setting up the shit-storm that will gust through this entire season.

Finally, it’s the big day of Cynthia’s “you know you wanna be me, bitch” themed party.  We learn that she and Papa Smurf are now BFFL’s (READ:  Exes with benefits in lieu of spousal support checks).  Papa ain’t comin’ to this shin-dig however, his wait-staff in Charlotte aren’t going to grope themselves!  Malorie and Cynthia’s mom arrive and they’re asking about Peter as if they like him now.  What f*cked up parallel universe have we entered into?  Guests arrive at the party, Cynthia makes her grand entrance and she’s chosen a really ugly yellow dress because she wants to reflect “love and light”.  Insert RHNJ crossover here:

Love light image

Cynthia probably should have re-thought the gladiator lace up in the back, it’s creating some unruly back stuff in the most unflattering way.  But what the hell… she’s 50 BITCH!  Cynthia presents a horrifying looking award to Kandi for “the best Cynthia”, which consists of the Coca Cola Can Curlers Cynthia.  The party starts to dissipate, some of the guests continue to drink and play “mother*ckin’ walk off”, Malorie almost blows out her cankle, and the team Porsha vs. everyone else alliances begin to take shape.

kandi-soda-cans-min

SBS insists that Porsha talk to everyone and Nene rips into her like a hot chicken drummie.  Porsha is upset that Nene said she should be fired from the show, Nene denies using the word “fired”, Porsha demands receipts!  ROLL THE EFFIN’ TAPE!  Nene is prepared to fight like the experienced big dawg she is.  She wants a full audit, produce receipts for the last seven years, then we’ll talk!

nene-porsha-confront

Whew… well I don’t know about y’all, but I’m exhausted.  Next time – Cynthia tries her hand at Tinder, Kenya is having marital issues already, and Porsha continues to have idiot issues.

Reunion – Part Quatre

We pick up where we left off last week – the moment before #HouseOfCardsByPhaedra comes crashing down into a pile of messy rubble.  There is a lot of caterwauling, fake crying, shrieking, and too-little, too-late apologizing here…Parts 1 & 2 were the bread, part 3 was the mayo and mustard, now let’s get to the meat of this shit sangwich!

Phaedra has now admitted she repeated the rumor to Porsha, that Kandi hatched a plan to pull a Bill Cosby on Porsha and drag her back to her sex dungeon, and commit untold things.  With this admission, Porsha fires back at her BFF (soon to be former) – “YOU TOLD ME KANDI SAID IT TO YOU!”  This is where Kandi freaks out and a fiery hailstorm of “THE LIES, THE LIES, THE LIES!” rains down on Phaedra.

Kandi - Flip Out

Porsha starts breaking down, realizing that her BFF used her as pawn in her game to start a vicious rumor, but nobody is buying her tears.  I am not really either, considering there are no actual tears coming out of her botox-blocked ducts.  She is faking all the way and these two must have used a Groupon for some back alley acting class.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

Kandi is legit crying and her copper glitter makeup is in her eyes and she’s blinded.  She stumbles off stage and yells to Todd that she’s ready to “punch them Ho’s in the face!”  Now there’s a show I can get behind!

Shamea sits with Porsha trying really hard not to say “I told you so”, but she big, fat, says it anyway and this isn’t a message Porsha is ready to receive.  Porsha asks for her sister to come in and comfort her, while her BFF, partner in crime, is calmly having her curls touched up.

Everyone else is milling around backstage, they have kicked off their heels and are walking around in their pedicure lily pads.  They are ready to lay down, wiggle out of their spanx, and make some popcorn!  Kenya gets Brandon on the phone to check her appointment book – nope won’t give any f*cks tomorrow either!

Kenya - Calendar

OHAC drops in on Porsha, she feels set up, but knowing that the show must go on, he encourages her to tidy up that eyeliner and apologize to Kandi.  He heads across the hall to visit Kandi, and he says “I’m shocked”, while maintaining a cool, half-smiling demeanor, which suggests he is the opposite of shocked.  He glances at his watch… touch it up and get back on that stage.  Dance, monkeys, dance!

Dance Monkey

Phaedra’s touched up weave is all set and she creeps in to Porsha’s area saying “I’m sorry!”  Porsha is fanning herself with a paper plate she grabbed from craft services.  If she has any sense at all she will throw that friendship contract in the nearest appliance fire and run!

Porsha - fanning

The gang assembles themselves back into the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and Porsha asks Phaedra when she was going to “stop the madness” and Phaedra sits there like a clam with lockjaw and dementia.

Porsha insists that Phaedra relayed this rumor as first-hand information, but Phaedra tries to play the “you heard me wrong” card.  Kenya pipes up “here comes the spin”!  Porsha threatens to pull out text messages and receipts.  I sorta wish she would have, but then we would be into part cinq, and I really want to get on with my life.

Porsha insists her BFF maintained this information was first-hand up until two days ago.  Phaedra will not supply any explanation other than “bad judgment” and “I made a rash decision”!  Sorry counselor Parks, a “rash decision” is eating the entire cake instead of just a slice, #Don’tJudgeMe.  You don’t normally make said “rash decision” repeatedly, over a period of 12 successive weeks.  #AgainDon’tJudgeMe!

We migrate a bit away from the Bill Cosby allegations and Phaedra does cop to the “Marvin” rumor, which Kandi finds funny because Todd hasn’t even been to New York since his mother passed.  Wow, at this point Phaedra should feel like a grade-A piece of dog shit scraped from the bottom of an algae ridden pond, filled with toxic radioactive waste.  We briefly touch on the Johnnie lawsuit, Phaedra’s dabblings with Mr. Chocolate, who she claims is a man she was speaking to, but never met, and he was encouraging her.  Let’s bag the “is there hope for this friendship” segment and call it a freaking day!

At the end, OHAC presents Cynthia with a 50th birthday cake with trick candles, but we are done with tricks!  Get rid of Frick and Frack!  Well I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted, winded, and bereft!  See you next season!

Reunion – Part Trois

This week was all over the map and the only parts worth seeing was the sparkly sheen radiating from the new beard on Bob Crazy Eye and the last five minutes when we learn that Phaedra Parks is the responsible party for taking the shit stirring to a new low, not that any of us are shocked #AlternativePhactsByPhaedra!

House Hubbies – We are joined by Papa Smurf, Marvin (li’l Todd), and Bob Crazy Eye.  Bob either has a new product endorsement deal with Jheri Curl or he doesn’t understand the direction “repeat as needed”, as in, “Trim beard to socially acceptable level of crazy, apply liberally, repeat as needed.”  Bob tries to apologize to SBS again, but she ain’t buyin’ his counterfeit goods.  She has heard it all before and the door has been slammed and nailed shut on any re-kindling hopes they once had.  I don’t think she ever had any intention on getting back together with him.  I think she accidentally packed her Kandi Koated toys in a box labeled “unfinished basement” during the move to Chateau Shereé and she had a weak moment and thought she might let Bob back in the hen house.  Too little, too late Bob.  Oh, and I hope your new beard gets caught in a box fan.

Crazy eye sheen

Papa Smurf and Cynthia are on texting terms and we learn that Noelle continues her relationship with Peter and asks him for advice.  Not sure what type of advice the teen would need…how to single handedly squander your partner’s life-time earnings in two years?  How to get caught on camera giving hickeys to a waitress?  How to fail at every business venture you attempt?

OHAC asks to clarify once and for all, did Papa and Cynthia take one last lap around the pool while vacationing in Hawaii?  Papa answers, if he can’t have all of Cynthia then he wants none of her or her magnificent weave.  Good answer, considering he has clearly had several cocktails.  Cynthia discusses why the marriage didn’t work, it was one hurdle after another and she couldn’t cope with the stress.  Welcome to marriage, baby, where you too can be eternally mad and resentful!  I guess Cynthia was right, she just isn’t the marrying kind.  Cynthia reveals she has gone on one date and is starting the application process, meanwhile, Peter is drunkenly swiping right on his phone and he looks up long enough to let us know that he has a very promising prospect in his snare.

In other relationships careening off the rails, Porsha and Todd are “on pause”.  He got a job in D.C., they generally are not speaking, and they have no plans on proceeding with the baby-nup.  Papa Smurf is salivating, not only for his own peach and tagline, but he is ready to pounce like a Liger on Porsha and Phaedra.  Instead he chooses to take what little dignity he has left and walk off the stage screaming to the Bravo Intern “where the f*ck is da’ drank, DAWG…the f*ck is da’ drank?!?”  Cynthia whips out her laminated wallet card containing her divorce decree, looks heavenward, and whispers “Thank you, Jezzuz!”

SBS Bone Carrier Mess Box – SBS was titled the “bone carrier” this season because she be draggin’ allllll the skeletons outta da’ closet.  Shamea joins the insufferable semi-circle of the damned and we learn that she and Porsha have terminated their friendship contract.  Kenya chimes in a few times and nicknames Porsha “Elvis” due to her sparkly outfit and new pompadour wiglette.  Porsha snarls back with her rehearsed arsenal of zingers, “you propped up those long jugs and think you doin’ somethin’!”  “Toodles Bitch!”  “BYE WIG!”  Porsha apologizes to Shamea for not defending her when Phaedra threw her and Kandi under the bus by way of obscene hand gesture, and for anything she ever did, anywhere, at any time, that made her want to terminate their friend-nup.  Shamea accepts, but goes on record stating the Frick and Frack do not have a real friendship.  It’s merely an alliance based on convenience.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta - Season 9

At that point, Shamea and Phaedra go at it.  Shamea says that Phaedra’s navel is a li’l to the left and she should stop using Groupon for her plastic surgery.  Across the insufferable semi-circle of the damned, Kenya chortles with delight.

Through the Psychological Threshing Machine that is the Rumor Mill – We get into the vicious rumors spread about Kandi.  Kandi admits she has taken a healthy dip in the lady pond a time or two, or three or four… OHAC is a little too interested, he wants exact numbers and a pie chart!  Pun intended.

Phaedra and Porsha keep skirting the issue on semantic technicalities, but I call audible foul.  Porsha maintains she was wearing her beer goggles when she kissed Kandi, asked her to go back to her hotel room, and then engage in an oral transaction to Kandi’s full satisfaction.  Since she and Kandi can’t agree on what actually transpired, Kandi notes that she should’ve taken Porsha up on the offer just to prove the point.  Well, sometimes ya’ gotta take one for the team Kandi!

There is more inane discussion, more demonstrations of inappropriate hand gestures, including a repeat of the index finger into the circled thumb and forefinger and OHAC throws in a scissoring gesture, just for good measure.

At this point the question is posed to Porsha as to why the hell she said those defamatory things about Kandi.  She responds by waxing philosophical about how she is “journalist” at Dish Nation.  And yes, I will “air quote” that right in her lying face!  After everyone gets off the floor from falling down laughing, Porsha announces that she received a cease and desist from Kandi and cannot speak about the alleged “Kandi planned to drug me, drag me down to her sex dungeon, and then rape me with her best-selling Kandi Koated sex toy” rumor.  Porsha deploys the ultimate conversational ripcord when she turns to her BFF and politely asks Phaedra to explain why she said this was Kandi’s intention.  And BAMM!  BLOOP!  SHUT THE PHRONT DOOR!  The Liger is outta the bag.

Kandi - Flip Out

Next week is the explosive conclusion where Kandi loses her shit on Phaedra.  Phaedra has taken “throwing shade” way too far, it’s about to go down like a fat kid on a see-saw!  See you next week!

Reunion – Part Deux

Hey everybody, I don’t know about you, but I find it utterly disturbing the ungodly abomination, heretofore known as Keyna Moore, is the most well behaved this reunion season.  I guess I shouldn’t count those chickens before they snap, there are two more parts of this shit show yet to be seen.  Let’s get on to the low lights of this week:

Porsha on the Playground – We pick up where we left off, Porsha sulking because she feels bullied in the sandbox.  Hey, I’ve got a remedy for that, leave the show.  Do not walk off, but storm off with all the reckless abandon of a two-year old.  I know she needs the Bravo paycheck, but dayum guuuuurl, if the group treats you that badly then just pour all your energies into emoting on Dish Nation.

Serious Matt-ers – We review the unhinged Matt behavior, there are allegations that Kenya hired Matt to play the role, she allegedly has a new boyfriend, and apparently Matt has a crush on Porsha.  The most interesting thing about this segment is that Kenya admits to engaging in sexy time in Matt’s truck, as he alleged in their back-stairwell argument.  Phaedra snickers and mutters something to Frack about how Kenya didn’t even have the decency to get a hotel room to smash with her psychotic show boyfriend.  Really Counselor Parks?  You were responding to booty calls from a felon on an air-mattress.  You have no room in your Spanx to talk.

This segues into the revelation of the abuse SBS endured at the hands of her ex, Crazy-Eye sweaty Bob, and the de-kindling of their relationship.  SBS reveals that she had never told anyone about the abuse, not even her own mother or her children.  Cynthia and her hair deliver a pep talk, “you don’t have to be superwoman and carry all this weight!”  SBS can finally release all the pain she’s been carrying and help other women in the process.  Hmm…I smell a new cause!  In all seriousness, this was a very somber part of the show.

SBS Sad

Alternative Phacts – Phaedra is on the hot-seat and all we get here is more proof that she and her timelines are sketch as f*ck.  She waffles around about whether or not her divorce is final and insists she didn’t tell the other women about her divorce or that her middle name is “Creonta” because these hags are not her friends.  She reveals she paid Apollo $100K as their settlement dictated and she alludes that OHAC hooked her up with Shemar Moore and they may, or may not be seeing each other on an air mattress in the off-hours of the night.

OHAC confronts Phaedra about her notoriously hazy timelines and Phaedra produces her divorce decree, which she had hiding under her hot couch cushion this entire session.

Phaedra evidence

The dates, name spellings, appeals, and contestations still render this evidence inadmissible in reunion court.  Beyotch be chock full o’ SHIT!

Phaedra Phacts

Kandi alleges that Phaedra keeps calling the city to throw monkey wrenches in the OLG opening schedule.  There isn’t enough tittay tape in all of the ATL to piece this friendship back together.

Phaedra and Kenya get into it, then Phaedra delivers the goofiest read ever, “Nobody wants you.  You’re like an old condo they converted into a town home.”  Given my line of work, this makes me chuckle.  She meant to say “you’re like an old apartment converted into a condo.”  Idiots everywhere purchase converted properties, but I digress!

The Real Kids of ATL – We take a quick peek down memory lane and review all the amazing children and their growth process.  We also get to judge how the housewife hair has evolved, or in some cases, devolved.  Takeaways – Noelle reads Cynthia a lot, Riley is about as enthusiastic as I am when I go for my annual pap smear, Kairo still hasn’t gotten his Cargo backpack, and Ayden still deserves his own show.

Next week, Crazy-Eyed Bob joins the group.  He is sporting an overgrown beard and he is either sweating profusely all the way through the beard, or he has fallen face first into an open vat of Jheri Curl.  There is a Papa Smurf walk off and we finally confronting the malicious rumors about Kandi.

The Warm Up – Reunion Part Un

Preparation is Everything – We start out with the “8 hours earlier” montage of all the women performing their pre-reunion rituals and then strapping themselves into the hair and makeup chairs.  After a full working day later, they are cinched, taped, makeup caked, and ready to take several seats at the insufferable semi-circle of the damned.  The outfits this year don’t seem too conducive to hurling insults across the Pier One coffee table.  They really should be sporting leggings as pants.

Leggings pants

Reinforce your weaves, let’s dive into the low-lights:

Tittay Talk – the ladies spent some time at the spa this season and the girls are literally and figuratively on display tonight!  Kandi reveals that she decided to have a boob job after they finished filming.  Phaedra has an unhealthy obsession with camel-toe, but she feels this is perfectly normal because Amazon sells prosthetic camel toe.  Just because it’s for sale guuuurrrrl, doesn’t make it right.  Case in point:

Man bun

OHAC asks Cynthia if Papa Smurf met Cynthia’s rejuvenated va-jay-jay, but she denies.  They came close, but no cigar in the hot dog bun vagina.

Minding Your Manor – we revisit the battle of Moore Manor vs. Chateau Shereé.  Nothing really new to be seen here, except we learn that Kenya had some intruders at Moore Manor and ran them off with her trusty hand gun.  OHAC polls the ladies on who owns a gun, they all raise their hands except Cynthia.  SBS just got her permit.  Hang on to your wigs and Spanx ladies and gents.  These crazy beyotches be ARMED!  I can hear Phaedra now, “but officer, this is my medicinal sawed off shotgun.”

SBS clears up the misconception that she isn’t living in the Chateau, but Kenya says she drives by, en route to her daily deeds of doom and destruction, and she never sees lights on.  Well duh, a home with no appliances needs no electricity!  Although she would need the air compressor for her mattress…hmm.  Anyhoo – Kenya admits she went into the basement at Chateau Shereé at prompting by producers to be purposefully shady.  The arguing ensues and SBS reveals that Kenya didn’t provide a port-a-potty for her contractors and they had to poo and pee in the gully.  Explains the foul odor about a quarter-mile circumference around Moore Manor.  SBS tops it off with some “true tea” about Kenya having a rich African married man giving her money for the down payment on Moore Manor.  Kenya stands firm, she is self-made and pays her own way 100%, via her earnings from the “Dubai Date Book”?  How do we get in on this Dubai Date Book, can we order from Amazon alongside our prosthetic camel toes and synthetic man buns?  Asking for a friend…

Frienemies – Phaedra let Kenya back in her life a pinch and suffered the dire consequence, as predicted.  Phaedra brings up text-gate 2002, while SBS settles up all the bets on when exactly Kenya/Phaedra friendship would free fall into a fiery abyss.

Cynthia weighed in and didn’t really like Kenya’s divorce party either, but she didn’t feel it warranted Phaedra’s, I’m sick and in desperate need of ginger-ale, and while I’m at it I’ll bring up some old wound I said I forgave, but not really, OMG you triflin’ beyotch textin’ my huzzzband who has now been in jail for two years and whom I am divorcing, and who is now engaged to his prison-pen-pal-in-a-box, OH LORT why do I care anymore, I just don’t know, I just need this dayum Bravo paycheck, over the top reaction.  Kenya claims Phaedra is living two lives, Southern Belle public face and Freak HO on da’ streets.  Bottom line, Phaedra has turned into an asshole of epic proportions and she needs to be canned.  Although, Ayden should have his own show where he just says things at random for 22 minutes.

Anger Mis-Management – Porsha addresses her tremendous progress, while SBS and Phaedra steady her to prevent a Defcon 4 melt-down.  Now that Porsha is an expert in how to emote and not get arrested, she hints that Kandi has her own anger management issues and could benefit from some therapy.  As Porsha lectures, Kandi cracks up in her face.  Guuuuurrrrl, when you gonna learn?  Kandi is fresh outta f*cks to give.  She doesn’t need the Bravo paycheck or your triflin’ ass telling her she’s a rageaholic.  There’s some more caterwauling between the two, but I’ve grown tired and disinterested.

Dieter tiresome

Since this is just part one of 987, I’m gonna save up my energy for when we get to the uncontrollable sobbing and storm offs.  See ya’ next week!