Commander of the High Seize

Kenya decides to skip up the road a piece to antagonize her favorite neighbor, She by Shereé.  She by Shereé is seen sweeping her front porch since she still doesn’t have the keys to the front door.  Kenya taunts her by running around the unfinished home trying to get inside.  Girrrl-puh-leaze, have you not seen She by Shereé snatch a wig?  Kenya realizes her wig-glue is nearing the bitter end of its 12 hour staying time and she stops the chase to have a serious conversation that ends in a bet to see who moves into their dilapidated broke-down home sooner.

Chateu.jpg

The last to move in has to sweep the other person’s front porch.  Kenya then invites She by Shereé to join the crew on a boat outing on Lake Lanier.  Kenya touts the celebration as some sort of odd, ill-timed, bachelorette party, part two for Cynthia.  Yes, for Cynthia, who is contemplating divorce.  Oh hell, we all know this is a patented Bravo mandated outing to get them all stranded at sea, drunk as “Da fuq”, and fighting like rabid mountain goats.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Phaedra have taken the training wheels off their respective skankmobiles and they meet up for some adult shopping at an eclectic store called “Junkman’s Daughter”.  It’s full of gently used role playing gear, marijuana paraphernalia, and ammo.  Sidebar:  Phaedra looks like she just crawled out of the dollar bin at Goodwill, somewhere… Rachel Zoe is lit-truh-lee die-ing.

Zoe Died

Porsha wants to buy a sexy outfit that will allow easy access to her fish taco in preparation for her Skype sesh with Duke-y puke-y, but Phaedra warns that she is making it too easy for the li’l tyke and should play hard to get.  The “prey is sittin’ there waitin’ to be caught, lyin’ on the bed in her socks!”  Counselor Parks’ words ring true as we later see a stood up Porsha, fretting in her sparkle bra and tartan plaid mini.  Porsha phones Counselor and receives a sage diagnosis, “the thrill is gone, Chile!”  Translation = the boy fled for the hills after that creepy, cheerleader, Lucite trophy presenting party you threw him.  Now put your big girl clothes on and update your Tinder profile.

Phaedra later hosts Kim Fields and children for a play date and Phaedra has a lifeguard on staff so they don’t actually have to watch their kids.  Lawd knows Counselor Parks can’t be gettin’ her weave wet!  The two ladies chat about carpool and making delicate sandwiches sans crust.  When Counselor Parks drills down to the essence of who Kimmy really is, the two find themselves dabbing Kimmy’s tears.  She has no friends, she has lost her identity in being a REAL housewife, (oh the irony!), and her goal in life is to not look or smell like unwashed asshole.  Phaedra suggests they have a day for themselves, “nothing to do with our uterus, but just you and us.”

It’s the day of the boat outing and Kenya has arranged for the gals to travel in two separate shade throwing cars.  Kenya picks up Cynthia and her “stray”, Tammy Browning.  Tammy is a hood-rat who claims she has no idea what “throwing shade” means and she claims that Bob Whitfield (She by Shereé’s ex-hub) is her BFFL.  Then, in a masterstroke of bitchery, Tammy says that She by Sheree is nuthin’ but a gold digger and only married Bob for this NFL cash.  SHADE THROWN!  For a shade throwing rookie, beyotch got a strong arm!

In the other mini-van ride from hell, Kim has a chance to chat with Kandi and discuss how much she admires her bidness woman status and her adult toy line.  Kim is beating around the bush (pun intended) and she asks about Kandi’s “products”.  Kandi encourages her to try the vibrating panties, but Kim doesn’t like wearing underwear.  Kandi suggests starting small, a “tiny instrument”, so as not to intimidate her hubby, but Kimmy’s quandaries continue…she is very LOUD.  Okay…someone get Tootie some social skills…STAT!

Everyone arrives at the dock and Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is ready to take the wild mountain goats out for their spin.  The crew starts drinking immediately and heavily, except for Kim and Kandi who do not imbibe.  Kenya is off to a roaring start and could not be a more ungracious host.  She announces to the group that Shamea Morton, (Porsha’s stray) is persona non grata because she was not invited.  However, it’s perfectly fine that her BFFL Cynthia brought stray Tammy, who is creepily annoying and has more disgusting feet than Claw-dia.

Tammy hones in on Kandi with laser focus… “I met you 20 years ago when you were with X-Cape”, “do you have a label?”, “I’ve got to get my son (who is managed by none other than Bob Whitfield) in the studio with you!”  Kandi shuts it down like an illegal day care center – no budget, no discussion.  She by Sheree shows up and the awkwardness between her and Tammy is as thick as Porsha’s corn fed booty.  Tammy keeps talking in her deep man voice and reveals that her hubby is white, in fact he is the “whitest man in America, Nazi white.”  Porsha is like “da fuq?”

DaFuq

Kim tries to sneak away to read her library book and eat her pre-packed snacks, because throwing back countless shots on a speeding boat with a crew prone to fist fights ain’t really her jam.  Kenya catches her, confiscates her library borrowed copy of “50 Shades”, and casts her Ziploc containers overboard.  How dare she bring her mommy snacks when Kenya has catered this lovely affair with pre-packaged dry goods from Trader Joe’s!  The rest of the gang is equally as sloppy and Kenya and Shamea get into it over a towel.  Shamea calls it a “fake towel”, comparing it to the fake products at Kenya’s hair line launch.

Kenya pulls a handbrake turn and puts a screeching halt to any fun being had.  She calls Shamea out about the negative energy she brings and Shamea counters with “okay Miss America”.  Which of course that sends Kenya over the edge, twirling up to the Captain, and she demands to have Shamea escorted off her boat.  Captain Don, Commander of the High Seas, is all like “Da fuq?”

The group elects Cynthia to attempt to talk Kenya down and as she rises to the occasion, Porsha lets off a playful “bitch” to Cynthia, since all of these stupid bitches have been playfully calling each other “bitch” all damn day, but NOW Cynthia decides this “bitch” has crossed the line!  Never mind this “bitch” or that “bitch”, here a “bitch”, there a “bitch”, everywhere a “bitch bitch”, but this particular “bitch” was clearly not uttered in jest and Cynthia has gone full blown, bunny boiling psycho to prove it!  Cynthia clearly needs to take a “woosah” and Kim guides her to the back of the boat and promises to read the tampon scene from her “50 Shades” library book in order to calm the hell down.

The rest of the gang talks Porsha into half-ass apologizing to Cynthia, but the convo sinks faster than Cynthia’s marriage.  Porsha ends up calling Cynthia “fake as f*ck” in her snappy li’l underground railroad voice.  Cynthia attacks her “fake ass chin” (Da fuq?), ET fingers start waving, acrylic nails are poking, and then it gets physical.  Oh but it’s a playful type of thunder-punch you in the throat.  As the ladies grab each other, we are left hanging with “TO BE CONTINUED!”

Cynthia-Porsha Fight

Next week, the deck hand tackles bucking slopopotamus, Porsha, to the ground, Phaedra who wasn’t there appears to take Porsha’s side, and it looks like there will be Cynthia/Porsha face off at another dinner table from hell.

Blood, Sweat, and Shade

We kick of this week Phaedra “treating” her dear friend Porsha to a colonic.  I’m sorry, but when any friend of mine “treats” me to something, it doesn’t involve blasting my asshole inside out.  Phaedra, however, couldn’t be more excited to have her bunghole hosed out.  Porsha is a colonic “virgin”… which is the only sensible quality she possesses.  Phaedra wishes Kenya could be there because she desperately needs one… “she’s so full of poop she’s two shades darker”.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say that sounded a tad racist, but ya’ gotta love Counselor Parks, #ZeroPhucksGiven by Phaedra.

Phaedra and Porsha twerk in the changing room in order to start prairie doggin’ prior to the procedure.  Phaedra holds Porsha’s hand to take her mind off of the small mountain lion being birthed out of her ass.  They vent about the trash talkin’ at Duke’s sip-n-see and Phaedra dishes on her one on one with Kandi.  Meanwhile, across town…Kandi dishes to Todd about the one on one and all he wants to know is if Phaedra cut a check while she dropped by the Kandi Factory.

Cynthia greets her hunky ex-baby daddy, Leon, so they can interview a tutor for Noelle.  Noelle will be going into signing and acting and will be home schooled, but the first tutor they interview is too cute for Noelle, but just right for Cynthia’s shameless flirting.  They decide he can’t have the job because for the love of all that is good and descent, the last thing we need is Cynthia bangin’ the tutor on the wicker futon in the guest bedroom.  Anyhoo…Leon gets Cynthia alone long enough to question her about video-gate starring Papa Smurf, but he encourages Cynthia to fight for her marriage at all costs.

Porsha is running in a “Celebrity Track Meet” and we are clearly using the term “celebrity” very loosely.  Before arousing an adolescent boy in the stands, the camera man should have told Porsha that her leggings are hanging on to her ass by a thread and we can see right through them.  Kandi shows up, I am presuming for support, because there is no way Kandi is running unless there is a hearty platter of chicken fingers with honey mustard dipping sauce at the finish line.  Porsha runs her race, doesn’t do too well, and she gets smoked like a crack pipe.

After all that excitement, Porsha frets to Kandi about Duke because all her friends are encouraging her to do a preliminary pre-check on him.  Porsha compares it to Kandi and Todd, but Kandi glares at her like she swiped the last chicken finger and explains that she actually got to know Todd before she went all in on him.  Not to mention that she met Todd at work and not over Instagram.

Kenya meets with Marlo “Check My Charges” and an event planner named “Passionate”.  Kenya is launching her hair care line via the “Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience.”  We learn that Passionate planned the Cynthia Bailey eyewear extravaganza, and Kenya has faith that Passionate will make even more fabulous.  I think Kenya emphasized to Passionate about 100 times that she wants it to be freezing in the venue, which of course is foreshadowing for the sweltering heat box that is the Kenya Moore Hair Care Sweatsperience.  Marlo has a serious “fix it Jesus” talk with Kenya and advises her to squash the beef with She by Shereé.  She notes that neither one of them have any manners and that’s why they are butting heads like two motherless goats.  Okay…ahem…you know when Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is the voice of reason, your shit is f*cked up!

Kim is prepping for Kenya’s event and she and her hubby, Christopher, are excited to get out for the night and be away from the kids.  Kim is a bit nervous because she hasn’t done a “girls night out” since 8th grade.  Christopher teases her about not having any friends, but based on her wardrobe selections, that may be true.  Clearly Kim’s definition of “Getting the Look for Less” is looking like a broke down, blind, Mrs. Roper.

Kim - Getting Ready

The Kenya Moore Hair Care Experience is underway and the guests are sweating their weaves off.  Porsha and her friend Shamea climb up three floors of rickety stairs to enter the burning inferno, only to discover that the product bottles are filled with water.  Apparently Kenya’s staff of one (Brandon – that means you!) thought this was a bottled water line!

Kandi arrives and we learn that she is actually good friends with Shamea.  Kandi asks the bartender for water, but he doesn’t have any.  Apparently Brandon used all the available water to fill the purple hairspray bottles that he picked up from Dollar General.  I bet they are out of Beer Nuts too!  Shamea doesn’t have any qualms about chugging the water as if it were real Jeri curl just to drive her shady point home.  This chick seems like she’s a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho.  Since there isn’t any actual drinkable water to be found, Kandi is ready to take a knee due to pregnancy exhaustion and she decides to bolt.

Phaedra shows up to support Kenya’s “square booty”, and the rest of the ensemble trickles in.  Phaedra and Cynthia are dressed like they are going on an undercover safari.  Kenya finally arrives with her date Eugene, who looks like he would smell like Pappy Van Winkle bourbon, pine, and seeing a man about a dog.  But we all know this “date” is about as real as the hair care products on the cocktail tables.  Phaedra is happy that Kenya finally met someone at her dermatologist’s office…OUCH!  The crowd may be able to find some relief from the heat under the shade Phaedra is providing.

Kim is getting to know the gang and they are excited to meet some other couples and make potential real life friends.  HA, plans foiled… Phaedra, without hesitation, launches her introduction with “my husband’s in prison” and Cynthia reveals she isn’t speaking to hers because he has been MIA for ten days.

Phaedra - Safari Hat

Kenya twirls into the party and greets She by Shereé cordially, but She by Shereé isn’t sure if she can trust a bitch who “still wearin’ colored contacts in 2015.”  She by Shereé compares the event to her fashion show with no fashions, “it’s a hair care event with no hair care products.”  Kenya asks She by Shereé to step outside so they can talk without sweating like farm animals.  Kenya acknowledges that they got off to a bad start and they realize they have a lot in common.  They are both strong-willed, they both own unfinished homes, and they both sleep the same brand of air mattress.  They decide to start fresh and air-hug it out.

At the end of this three ring shit show, Cynthia finally gets some face time with Papa Smurf and she confronts him about his poor conduct at the eyewear launch party.  Peter admits he got good and hammered before he showed up.  Peter feels like they are both putting career before their marriage, and blames Cynthia for not making time for his ignorant, phantom ass.  Cynthia reminds him that she uprooted herself from NYC to move to the ATL and marry him and now it’s been non-stop challenges, empty bank accounts, and incriminating Instagram videos.  Cynthia drops the bomb and tells him she isn’t sure if she is still in love with him and they may not be compatible.  He professes his love for her, but homegirl ain’t feelin’ it.  Peter sheds some tears that cut through his thick stage makeup, but he seems genuinely upset.  Peter doesn’t feel divorce is an option, but Cynthia is on board with having an escape route.  They agree to give it one more chance, but if it doesn’t work out, it’s curtains for Papa Smurf.

Cynthia Peter Divorce Talk

Next week, what makes Kim tick?  A boat outing goes awry, it’s Kenya vs. Sheana and Cynthia vs. Porsha.

Sip-N-She’s A LOT, BRO!

The feud atop the Hilton Garden Inn picks up where we left off last week and all we could hope for was a shot of Kenya and She by Shereé careening over the top balcony ripping at each other’s weaves.  But, our hopes and dreams have been dashed, the rest of the ladies manage to break it up and Porsha, of all people, thinks that She by Shereé gets “turnt up quick” and she is a bit put off by She by Shereé’s man veins poppin’ outta her neck.  This from the woman who dragged Kenya by her weave all the way off the reunion stage and back to the cookie basket at craft services.

Peter and Cynthia don’t fare much better, he’s heated about everything he can come up with, including his wife showing off her junk in the trunk in front of the whole eyewear launch party going audience.  Never mind the double standard, Cynthia must lament… their issues run deeper than the ditch where Kenya’s new house is located.  The incriminating video of Peter manhandling a bar patron over mozzarella sticks is just a symptom.

Kenya meets with new cast mate, Kim Fields, who has an actual legit career in show biz.  Kenya worked with Kim on Tyler Perry’s “Meet the Browns”, and she insists that Kim take a look at “Life Twirls On” and possibly direct.  We learned that Kim Fields is good at playing along because she doesn’t laugh Kenya out of her place of bidness, and we learn that Kim is not a big drinker.  By the end of this season however, she may be.  I’m not sure how she is going to fit in with all the drama and ill social skills of her cast mates, but that will be a fun part of the unfolding journey ahead.  Kenya takes a few stabs at “Tootie”, implying that her old roller skates are not at the Smithsonian, but rather being hocked on E-Bay.  Kim is deft at ignoring Kenya, we’ll see how long that lasts.

Kim Fields

In other bidness ventures gone awry, Cynthia is skyping with her bidness partner, but she can’t focus on rehashing the eyewear launch party.  She is troubled by the fact that Papa Smurf hopped on the first plane back to Charlotte and that he is more focused on serving up sub-par liquid cheese covered nachos at Sports One rather than cultivating his marriage.

Porsha has also spearheaded a new venture, “It’s a fine line between trashy and classy lingerie”.  She too is having difficulty focusing, not because she failed her “Shapes and Colors” test earlier that day, but because she is straight up lovesick.  All she can think about is her man of the month, Duke, and she decides to throw a “sip-n-see” so everyone can meet her baby man.  Time is of the essence for Porsha in this relationship, especially since there are only 265 days in her calendar year.

Later, Phaedra meets up with Cynthia at a tea shop so they can hash out precisely how ugly Cynthia’s fuchsia and red dress appears to be, oh and also to repair their damaged “friendship”.  The two have much more to relate about, now that Cynthia has come to terms that she too married a deadbeat, lying, asshat.  All Peter needs now is a Cynthia Bailey Backpack.

Now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for, the “sip-n-see”!  Porsha is getting ready for her big event and finds out that her sister, Lauren, is 13 weeks pregnant.  Porsha is a bit stunned that Lauren got knocked up before she did and she hopes this won’t damper the enthusiasm over the party.  Of course not Porsha, Lauren won’t let this get her down.  She will show her utmost enthusiasm over your flavor of the month and she will put her silly little woes aside.  Everyone assembles for the “sip-n-see”, but when Duke arrives, they all yell “surprise”.  I guess it’s a “surprise-n-see”, am I the only one not understanding the purpose of this party?  It appears that Duke is on his way out of town and this visit at Porsha’s was intended to be a quick stop before his friend Ken dumps him off at the airport.  Ken pulls Duke to the side of this three ring shit show to refresh his drink and say…“She’s a lot, Bro!”

Porsha-Party

We are treated to snippets of everyone in Porsha’s camp talking about how the relationship is doomed.  Someone even took it to the next level and Googled “Duke Williams”, only to find he enjoys long walks on the beach and hanging out with transgender porn stars… not that there’s anything wrong with that!  Porsha tops off the night by taking the microphone and awarding Duke an “MVP” trophy, because he is the MVP of her life.  Then she proceeds to actually present him with a Lucite plaque that she had made for him.  Meanwhile, Duke is doing some Googling of his own, “Does the ATL airport have a “Quick Retraining Order” kiosk?”

Surrounding all of this were some happenings at the Kandi Factory, the staff gathered around the kitchen for a bacon snack and Kandi announced that the doctor has ordered her to “slow down”, but the restaurant opening is still on track.  Wait, wha?  A soul food restaurant that serves everything on paper plates and drinks in red Solo cups.  Brilliant!  Then the staff is tasked with planning a baby shower and Todd asks that Phaedra’s invitation be engraved with the words “Bitch Better Have my Money”.  Trusty assistant, Don Juan, offers to personally collect what Phaedra owes Todd for a percentage.

Bitch Money

In other happenings at the Kandi Factory, Phaedra and Kandi have a sit down in the plush cow-hide chairs to finally bridge the great divide of season seven.  Kandi starts out the conversation and starts tearing up immediately.  Let’s do a mini recap:  friendship one-sided…hurt me…hurt you…FBI…Apollo’s motorbike…can’t visit prison…too expensive…bitch you work four jobs…owe Todd $8,000… $5,000… $8,000…going once…going twice…AT THE END OF THE DAY…we were BFF’s…you saw the birth of my sons…I wouldn’t let just anyone see my coochie!  At this time, Don Juan returns from his break, overhears them, and walks away laughing.  The ladies hug it out at the end of the day, and call it a day.

Kandi Phaedra - Good Cry

After Phaedra leaves, Don Juan creeps back into the break room and shoots their heartfelt dialog to shit and he gets line of the night, “Y’all just sat here and cried like two girls from The Color Purple.”

Don Juan Color Purple

He feels that Phaedra’s performance was as thick as the bacon grease residue on the Kandi Koated walls and Kandi begins to question the entire conversation.

The Future is so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Well everybody, the shady ladies of the ATL are back and who the hell needs a NENE when you have a TOOTIE?!?!  That’s right ladies and gents…we have a new ATL housewife in the ranks.  Kim Fields from the 80’s hit show “The Facts of Life” has joined the cast, although she is not joining the drama until next week.  We got a brief preview of the drama packed season and there isn’t enough false eyelash glue in all of the ATL to keep this shit together.

Let’s start with the taglines:

  • Phaedra: “Only God can judge me, and he seems quite impressed.”  That is sooooo Phaedra.
  • Porsha: “I’m about to give you life, so stay outta my way.”  She hopped off her crazy train and fought her way out of the Underground Railroad to reclaim her peach!
  • Cynthia: “Seasons may change, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style.”  Annnd…Cynthia Bailey is now talking about herself in third person.
  • Kandi: “I’m a hit maker, and this year I will reveal the best one.”  Baby on the way, sure to be her biggest hit (and weight) yet.
  • Kenya: “Don’t come for me unless I twirl for you.”  This twirling shit is soooo season five…

She is not on the intro reel yet, but Kim’s tagline will be:  “Faith, family, and career, those are the facts of my life!”  She and Phaedra will surely bond…FIX IT JESUS!

We get a brief catch up on each lady, Kandi is cleaning out her closet with fervor.  Many things must go to Goodwill because she has a baby bump and her 80’s clothes no longer fit.  During her doctor visit, we learn that she and Todd went through IVF and her bun in the oven is 12 weeks along.  We also learn that Todd did not have a relationship with his own daughter until she was older, must have been a real hood-rat, baby mama situation.  They are hoping for a boy, but may just have to settle for 10 fingers and toes…Dr. Jackie tells Kandi to cut back on her schedule and slow the hell down.  Well there goes the Kandi Koated Empire, down the drain!

Later, Kandi and Todd are cleaning out their garage, but Todd is storing a bunch of Apollo’s personal artifacts.  This segues into the fact that Kandi and Phaedra are not in a good place and Phaedra apparently never paid Todd for his work on a secondary fitness DVD.  When will these two learn to stop “helping” friends with work and expecting to be paid?  Have we learned nothing from “Tardy for the Party”?!?!?  Todd pushes Kandi to say something to Phaedra, but she is with child damnit, and refuses to be his goon.

Still later yet, Kandi prepares for Cynthia’s eyewear launch party drama brawl and struggles to find an outfit that will flatter her ever-changing figure.  The only thing that makes this scene worth mentioning is what Todd says, he scoffs at the dress sized “small” that Kandi has laid out for herself.  She claims that’s “all she has” and he says “babe you been to medium, stop playin’!”  Poor Kandi can’t even wear something and look cute.  She throws on a tent dress and looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha rolls up to Phaedra’s home in a Rolls Royce, hmm…Dish Nation must be paying her too much.  Phaedra says she and Porsha have “become bosom buddies, got milk?”  Ummm…I don’t even know what that means, but EWW!  Phaedra gives us an update, she is making her way through the craziness of life and if she can survive “garage mania”, she can survive anything.  We are treated to a revisit of one of my all-time favorite scenes in ATL history, when Apollo went nuts throwing around a bucket o’ hinges and revving a power drill at his soon to be estranged wife.  In Porsha’s world, she has a new 24 year old man who picked her up via Instagram, but she doesn’t know if she’s attracted to him with his clothes off, yet!  But enough about that, Porsha is ready to dish on Cynthia…

We see Peter barking at Cynthia while she is downing a glass of colossal wine and staring at her smartphone.  There is a video on Instagram of some chick whispering in Peter’s ear while he has his hand on her neck and then he runs his hand down her chestal region and there is clearly a boob graze.  FOUL ON THE PLAY!  “Papa Smurf is a little horny”, declares counselor Parks.

Peter is trying to minimize his behavior on the damning video, but Cynthia is dressed in black and ready to plan his Phuneral by Phaedra.  “It’s inappropriate and embarrassing!” she shrieks.  Cynthia has heard cheating rumors before and now she is a doubting Thomas.  See what I did there… with Peter’s last name being Thomas, and all…

Cynthia - Peter

Anyhoo, Papa Smurf has been spending a lot of time in Charlotte at Sports “I drained my wife’s bank account” Bar One, and Cynthia can’t keep tabs on him like she used to.  She is distraught about this video, more because of the gargantuan amount of shit she is going to catch from her cast mates.  However, the new sunglass mogul must soldier on… she has an eyewear launch party to plan, damnit!

But we digress… We get to meet Porsha’s new baby man, Duke, who has been sniffing around her wallet for about a month.  She paid for a hotel room near the city so they could meet there and relax, and so she doesn’t have to buy the Costco sized bottle of Oxy Clean to get the unsavory stains out of her own sheets.  Duke plays safety for the Buffalo Bills and he has the couth and sophistication of a kindergartener.  Porsha likes the fact that he’s so “into” her wallet and he appreciates her winning personality.  Sugar mama has the “cupcake” champagne and strawberries ready, but Duke has no idea he’s supposed to feed her the strawberries and he pops one in his mouth and he’s all like “wha?”  Porsha stops him and provides detailed instructions on how to pamper her.  Ugg…Porsha, he’s 24, the only thing he understands is “Netflix and chill”.  I think the final nail in his coffin here is when they trot off to the bedroom and he slings a Charlie Brown backpack over his shoulder.  Have we learned nothing from the Apollo Nida Backpack files?

Apollo backpack

Kenya is twirling down a shady road with passenger Cynthia so she can show off the ramshackle disaster foreclosure she bought in Buckhead, about 500 feet away from the stalled out Château by Shereé.  During the ride, Cynthia asks Kenya for her opinion on Peter Thomas video-gate, but Kenya smartly pleads the fifth.  She does offer to head out to Charlotte and beat his ass, however.  The two arrive at Château by Shereé and surmise that it is about finished, but not lived in.  After they pull up to Moore Manor, Cynthia is a bit taken aback at the structure before her lying in the ditch.  Kenya guarantees it will be fabulous when her renovations are done, but Cynthia is too preoccupied with the brown recluse spider trying to make a home in her weave.

The Cynthia Bailey train is on the move on the Underground Railroad and she meets with her sister Malorie for a quick counseling sesh.  Cynthia straight up asks Mal if she thinks Peter is cheating and, of course, Mal is going to bash the ever lovin’ blue shit right outta Papa Smurf.  Mal starts asking probing questions and she finds out that Cynthia is in love with Peter, but she is not attracted to Peter’s naked, disgusting, shriveled up body.  Ummm…DOUBLE EWW.  Cynthia doesn’t consider the damning video as a deal breaker and she wants to make her marriage work.  Mal holds Cynthia’s weave away from her face while she has a good cry.

Later, the ladies arrive at Cynthia’s eyewear launch shindig, but Cynthia is MIA.  She is applying Preparation H to her under eyes to reduce the puffiness from her Peter tears.  Everyone seems to be getting along well, at least they are being cordial.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton shows up looking like she got into a fight with a roll of UL Certified electrical tape.  Kenya starts up about her house and she renames Château by Sheree as Château She Can’t Pay.

Peter shows up to the event and rolls off the elevator as if he’s Kanye…oh wait, he’s not that bad.  Kenya, the ever talented welcoming committee, launches into Papa Smurf right out of the tree and they have an argument.

Kenya-Peter Argue

Peter walks away pissed off and Kenya and Marlo run off to dish all the Papa Smurf dirt to the group.  Malorie sidles up and has apparently had a few too many glasses of the mystery punch and she tells the group that Cynthia is revolted by naked Smurf man.  While the ladies puke in their complimentary goody bags, Cynthia makes her grand entrance in a flowing white caftan, which she slings over her shoulder to flash her nether regions and reveal she is wearing a white bikini.  Feast your Cynthia Bailey eyewear on dat’ ASS!

She by Shereé arrives and some are excited to see her, some not so much.  Kenya can’t help herself and starts in on She by Cant’ Pay immediately.  She tells She by Shereé that the whole neighborhood has been complaining about her broke ass Château and the fact that it’s not finished.  She by Shereé stabs back at Kenya claiming she has a mold infested house and then we’re off… as if Kenya slashed her air mattress, She by Shereé goes into her howler monkey voice.

Sheree Argue

As the random drama over dilapidated McMansions intensifies, Kandi resorts to her trustiest coping skill and she makes a beeline for a passing by platter of chicken thumbs with dipping sauce.  It continues to get crazy between the two wildebeests and She by Shereé almost throws her drink at Kenya.  WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO?!?!

Check Me Boo

Next week, Kim Fields enters the scene and Phaedra and Kandi finally face off.