I Need a Camera and a Scooter!

Okay readers, this is the final installment of the marginally-white, never forget, clam shucking, body glitter extravaganza.  Not a moment too soon… don’t know ‘bout y’all, but this parade of unstable wigs and oxygen restricting Spanx has grown tiresome.  We all witnessed the play-by-play of this season and the perpetual screaming match that is Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene and her Petco Choppers – so I will approach this by hitting on my personal favorite moments.  Let’s take a shallow dive into the wading pool:

  1. Wigs-n-Cigs vs. Nene – Face it Wigs, this is a fight you will not win. Yes, Nene gets on my nerves at times, but she remains the Queen Supreme of the ATL.  Sorry bitch – fasten your wig glue and keep it movin’!  Kandi is laughing her saggy teets off and P-Willi is smirking whilst straightening her crown – both glad to be off the hot-seat!  Key takeaway:  Your floaters on your chest ain’t workin’, get that double chin filed off next time you see your plastic surgeon, and WHERE IS YOUR SCOOTER?  WHERE IS IT!  I can see it now, Wigs barreling down the causeway, wind in her acrylic wiglette, a red Solo cup sitting snugly in the retrofitted cup-holder, Kroy in the side-car so he can finally have his own DRANK, her pink iPod plugged into the jack, jammin’ some John Legend.

scooter

  1. Solitary Confinement – We revisit with “Me-by-Shereé”, who apparently is dumping Prison BAE if he doesn’t get paroled. Wait – this is the love of your life, the soul to your mate, the tingle to your toes, the cure for all your woes!  You spent thousands of un-earned Jogger dollars on relational therapy with Jack Daniels, you spent 3 million Thelma dollars constructing a customized man-cave, a home gym, and a She by Shereé Shed complete with Rent-A-Center furniture… what gives?  She-by-She-Done… Joggers.  Key takeaway:  SBS is squirming all over the couch as OHAC questions her about Prison BAE.  Her Spanx are at hospitalization level tight or she really needs to pee.  Annnnd… Nene saying she conducted an oral transaction for John Legend tickets with “Lierone” was a joke on Twitter, of course.  Meanwhile, Kenya quietly urps up between the reunion couch cushions at the thought of it.

 

  1. There’s a Clip for That – Kenya takes a strategic position on the opposing couch so she can go at Wigs face full o’ fillers. She goes after Kroy – the valet, the driver, the wiglette-stand maker.  Wigs goes at Kandi for saying that Wigs drinks too much.    THE.  EFFING.  TAPE.  Wigs telling Kandi at their lunch that she makes Kroy drive so she can drink, drink in the car, drink while getting stuffed into her Spanx, drinking and Tweeting, can’t do anything without a drink.  Viewers can play the Wigs drinking game at home, take a drink every time Wigs strokes her acrylic locks, take a drink every time the red Solo cup appears, take a drink every time Wigs accuses others of being jealous, take a drink every time she LIES and summon your driver to cart your drunk-ass to the ER!

Wigs denies saying all the unsavory things this season, which are memorialized on camera.  Nene goes off, Kandi goes off, P-Willi and 50-Cynt inch over to the opposite end of their couch… Wigs sits on the sidelines like a “motherfuckin’ fan” judging everyone like a troll who lives behind the washing machine in their parents’ basement.  Key takeaway:  We need Andy and an automated external defibrillator for Nene and Kandi.

throne of lies

  1. Step into my Office – Wigs flees, red Solo cup full o’ dumpster juice in hand. OHAC wraps it up by going around the semi-circle of the damned asking the cast-mates to state what they have learnt this season.  Suddenly the Bravo intern appears and summons OHAC backstage, Wigs is demanding to speak with him in the ladies room her office.  Props to the production assistant who gets on the walkie, “I need Andy and a CAMERA!”  Wigs is crying to OHAC, Kroy is playing body guard, putting his hand in the camera.  Wigs wails on… nothing positive was said to her, they are all so MEAN!  OHAC explains that she has been nothing but combative this season and didn’t show anything positive about her dayum self.  We hear Nene bellowing “the door is CLOSED!”

Wigs continues shrieking at the man who signs her Paychex by Bravo – you haven’t found another white woman to sit on the couch with these women, nobody is dumb enough!  Then something about how racism didn’t exist before social media!?!?  Now this is where everything went left… we see the exact moment it comes across OHAC’s face, like “uhh yea, I’m gonna fire you right after I smoke a fatty in my trailer.”  Sensing this is some next-level delusion, SBS dips out.  Key takeaway:  Walkin’ papers will be drafted faster than she changes into her Wal-Mart Joggers.

Kim and OHAC in bathroom

Next week is a 10th anniversary of best moments, which I will be enjoying with a tub o’ mint cookie crumble ice cream.  Signing off, dear readers!  Thank you for following me and reading!

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The End-Game Remains the Same

Welcome to another installment of glittered clavicles, where the acrylic nails are waving all up in our bidness!  Let’s get to the roundup – and no, I do not mean “The Roundup” of RHOD fame!  Focus people, minds out of the gutters!

  1. Prostitution Moratorium – Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is tired of being called a whore ladies and gents! If she is to be called a prostitute, she wants receipts damn it!  OHAC asks what her actual job is, it’s basically dating wealthy men who pay her bills and running an Etsy site where they sell SBS lifestyle joggers.  The IRS Standard Occupational Classification would be “service industry”.  The ladies finally agree to not call each other prostitutes unless they have hard-n-fast proof.  Pun intended!

prostitution whoah

  1. Rape-Gate No More – Porsha and Kandi have a moment where they agree that drug-n-rape-gate shall never darken their doorway again. Porsha tries round 8 of her apology and has finally refined her process.  Kandi agrees to let it go in the interest of not breathing any more life into it.  They agree to shake on it, 50-Cynt pushes for a “hug it out” moment, but let’s not get nuts!

 

  1. Hang on to your Wigs-n-Cigs – Wigs and her entourage of one (dejected former NFL bench-warmer Kroy) are in the building. He has even brought a full cooler of drinks, I love how he blends the football tail-gating tradition with his wifey’s half-ass career.  This fucken’ guy is incredible… Kroy of all trades – trusty assistant / chauffeur / stylist / bell-boy / bartender / baby-sitter / wig-master!  Showing where her loyalty lies, SBS slides behind the makeshift curtain to warn Wigs what she’s about to walk into.  This was SBS first tactical error this season, hitching her lifestyle wagon to this shit-show person.

Kroy servant

  1. Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist – Oh 50-Cynt, good thing you are strikingly gorgeous, otherwise I would throttle you in the neck with an open fist through my television. Eva joins the group and they re-hash Will-gate, but 50-Cynt still believes Will was single when they met.  Eva knows what she saw and was introduced to Will’s “girlfriend” about 24 hours before 50-Cynt’s Tinder date.  Eva has no time for this messiness, she’s about to go into labor.  Alert to 50-Cynt, your showmance is showing!  She is no longer seeing Will and a new dark chocolate selection in her candy dish.

 

  1. End-Game – Wigs waddles out with her red Solo cup, as Kroy gives her the push-off from back stage, he breaks the fourth wall – “she’s hot, right?” As if he’s trying to convince himself.  Yes Kroy – ya’ done good!  Ya’ strapped the ol’ broad into her spanx within an inch of her life, and stuffed her in that Forever 21 spandex dress as if she were stuffed sausage!  #LifeGoals!  There’s a lot of chatter back and forth, but I just want to hit on the highlights that made this last hour worth it – Wigs is called out talking crap about 50-Cynt and Nene, she denies it and then the Bravo Intern rolls the effing tape.  OHAC compares Wigs’ pivoting ways to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Wigs has no clue who that is.

    OHAC asks Wigs “what’s the end game with the lips?”  To look like a baboon’s, swollen, irritated asshole – #LifeGoalsCrushed!

End-game

Photo Cred:  thegoodthebadandthefake – Thank you for THIS!

Next week is Only.  Part.  Three.  Of.  These.  Unstable.  Slut-Tards.  The women go hard at Wigs and she walks out.

Just Gettin’ Warmed Up

Hey everyone, so sorry I am late this week… this damn, pesky, full-time job thingy is really getting in the way of my reality television habit.  This part one reunion was like amuse-bouche of sorts – just a li’l nibble before the main course.  It was a random, mixed-bag of tricks, so let’s approach this recap in the trusty, top-moments style:

  1. The Outfits and Looks Over the Years – Party City is the place to be and Porsha made a stop on her way to this reunion and purchased the best Disney villain props she could find. She displays her plastic crown with pride, but she left the scepter at checkout!  The rest of the ladies are adorned in truly awful gowns, I mean really… this is some uggo shit from the 70% off rack at Marshall’s.  It’s been 10 seasons ladies, get it together.  And while we’re airing our grievances, do we really need to coat our clavicles with 50 shades of body glitter?  We are also treated to a stirring retrospective over the years [thank you Bravo Intern for throwing this footage together] – Nene hits it on the head, Wigs-n-Cigs got her wigs from Party City.  The early years of Wigs-n-Cigs are pretty pitiful, her wigs are made of plastic Barbie hair that melts on contact with a lukewarm hot roller.  This all reminds me of one of my absolute favorite memories of RHATL – early reunion footage of Wigs-n-Cigs, discussing how a friend of her trainer’s first cousin, thrice-removed, knew a man who sat next to her grandfather’s brother-in-law during medical school, thought maybe…was about 90% sure that she had cancer.  BUT THEN… as she waited her test results, that fateful phone call came as she pulled into a Chili’s parking lot… and she learned that she DID NOT have cancer!  WOO HOO – AWESOME BLOSSOMS for EVERYONE!

Wigs cancer

  1. Kenya’s Cavalcade o’ Lies – Oh Kenya, you have been demoted on the reunion couch to last seat, hovering on the arm-rest at best. Kenya hints at pregnancy rumors, a baby is due “later this year” as if it’s a home improvement project she might get to in the fall.  She backpedals a bit, doesn’t want to say much, but she and Question Marc are definitely expanding their family.  Never mind that they don’t live in the same state, oh and she’s never met his parents, but alls good in da’ hood!  OHAC asks how Question Marc feels about being on the show, considering he believes it’s a ghastly representation of African-American Women.  Kenya states that Question Marc never said such things and this was stirred up by the bloggers, but OHAC pulls the ace out of his sleeve – “he told my colleagues that” – he hates the show.  Never have I EVER seen Kenya just sit there with the stare of a murderous muppet!  Caution – Awkward Silence Ahead!
    Awkward silence
    Kenya also takes a moment to diss her alleged BFF, 51-Cynt by stating that she “can’t hold water” – translation she can’t keep fake news to herself.  Caution – Article IX, Section 9(a) (iiv) is shouldering behind the couch.  Even Nene backs up 51-Cynt on this one, noting that her former BFF can keep a secret when it matters.

 

  1. The Door is Klosed – Kandi still gets that wobble in her voice when discussing the Porsha rape-gate situation from season 9. The rumor could have killed her whole, wobbly, Kandi-Koated Brand.  Porsha still doesn’t get it, she thinks she was just throwing out some innocent shade – like “your husband is short”, or “your dress is too tight and you look like overstuffed sausage casing”, she truly has no clue how much damage she caused.  As we’ve always known with P-Willi, the wheel is a turnin’, but the HAM-ster is dead!

Ham-ster

  1. Lifestyle Joggers – We finally address another elephant in the season regarding She-by-Shereé and her Wal-Mart, Garanimal sweats. SBS reveals that she was going for comfort this season – translation, my man is in Prison and I’ve completely given up on life.  SBS claims that She-by-Shereé will be dropping some hot, new fashions… well it’s a “lifestyle brand” … “joggers”, “athletic lifestyle”.  OHAC asks when the world will receive this scintillating new collection, to which SBS stammers… “late summer, fall, winter really, maybe 2040.”  Put it this way, Baby Twirl – the human version, will drop before She-by-Shereé anything hits the scene.  Somewhere in the green room the Bravo Intern is radioing headquarters – “yes, if you could prepare walkin’ papers for Ms. Whitfield, yeah… that would be grrrreeeeaaat!”

Paperwork

  1. Blackmailing Slut-Tards, Read for FILTH – Marlo trots out lookin’ like a Shetland Show Pony, and no sooner has she scooched in underneath SBS’ magenta skirt, and Kenya goes for the jugular – “you’ve got a code reader between your legs!” Apparently, that “John the Pizza Guy” who Nene dated back in 2011 or some shit… got caught in Marlo Hampton’s snare of slutfuckery.  After Nene raided his pocketbook, Marlo went in for seconds.  Annnnd we’re not talkin’ the good kind of leftover cold breakfast pizza, but the flavorless crust that everyone leaves on their plate.  Marlo took photos of his phone, containing texts betwixt he and Nene.  Marlo attempted to blackmail Pizza Guy with said texts, but all she could score is a payment of $20,000 on her Neiman Marcus bill, to which Nene responds, with a master-stroke of bitchery… “I’m surprised he had $20,000!”

I’ll leave it here with a top five, I am about as dizzy as OHAC looks.  The rest is just arguing over loyalty, as if any of them know what that means, and everyone is gettin’ on my nerves, over-handling their weaves and clip-ins.  Next week, Wigs-n-Cigs joins the stage and gets dragged.

Masters of Disguise

It’s the finale of RHATL and we can’t wait for the nine-part reunion, so let’s dive right into the madness!  We learn that Porsha’s co-workers at Dish Nation lovingly call her “P-Willi”, they are live on the air discussing the upcoming nickel-n-dime stage play, starring their own P-Willi alongside the shady Vivica A. Fox.  I must take a poignant pause here and reflect on the “seven degrees of Kevin Bacon” moment we are having – so here’s Miss Vivica on the RHATL for a cameo, she was formerly a guest on WWHL with Andy Cohen, where she claimed that her ex-boyfriend, 50-CENT, is gay.  ALLEGEDLY PEOPLE!  Not to be confused with our own 50-CYNT, who is not gay… as far as we know!  Whew – the world is a rich tapestry, my friends!

Vivica 50

Across town, other housewives with nothing to do are meeting for a play date!  Kandi takes Baby Ace to the pumpkin patch to meet with Eva and her daughter Marley Rae.  Let’s just say that Marley Rae is not DTPD (Down to Play Date).  She’s a bit fussy, but they only have to stay for a few contractually obligated moments in order to lay the groundwork for the hellscape that will be the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Eva is now an official ATL resident, and it’s her BURF-DAY, and it’s HALLOWEEN, so Kandi convinces her to throw a Halloween costume party and invite all past mortal enemies of housewives present.

Later, 50-Cynt and Nene roll up to the mall in Nene’s Rent-A-Royce, but no handicapped parking for them!  They must hobble on their cloven hooves into the Halloween store and select cheezie costumes.  Eva is already in the shop and we learn that the party will be held in an old, decommissioned church.  This parade of unstable skanks may spontaneously combust upon entering.  50-Cynt gives Nene a warning – Wigs-n-Cigs will be in attendance.  Nene tries to brush it off, pretending to be enthralled by some “Nestle Crunch” socks [no… seriously!]  She’s too busy catching checks, no room to catch a case!

SBS welcomes some of the ladies to the Château for a tour of the newly finished basement.  Only Kandi and 50-Cynt show up, but hey… more macaroons for Kandi!  Kandi causally points out that SBS has no doormat at all and SBS tells her it had to be custom-made and is “on backorder”.  As SBS leads them down into the fully furnished home underneath the Château, she is serving up shade left and right.  Nene couldn’t make it to the basement unveiling, which she doesn’t understand since she has free time after being fired from the Xscape tour… and 50-Cynt, who has a home full of IKEA, needs to see what real furniture looks like.  Oh SBS, karma is going to bite you in the bubble-booty when your Château is repoed!  Kandi can’t reconcile the figures in her head, but SBS must have sold a lot of books.  SBS situates Kandi and 50-Cynt in the spa and in come the two ladies from Priv to get their product placement by Bravo, and give some weak-ass hand massages.  SBS takes the floor with her latest drama, apparently SBS heard from Shamea that P-Willi called her after Barcelona and said that none of the women can be trusted, not even SBS!  Not one to ever let things slide, SBS is ticked after she had P-Willi’s back for the last four months.  She plans to open up a can o’ rent-a-whoop ass on P-Willi, but 50-Cynt advises her to talk it over directly with P-Willi before turning loose like a crack-house rat.  Ahem… 50-Cynt, have you seen this show?

It’s the opening night of “two can play that game” and P-Willi is on stage playing a “bona fide ho”, which isn’t much of a stretch.  50-Cynt and Kenya are the only two who show up, and Kenya is there for the sole purpose of throwing shade at the current state of Vivica’s old face.

Hypocrisy meter

Okay finally, the last 15 – it’s the night of the Halloween party and this shin-dig is held together with prayers and chewing gum.  In comparison with the other bashes we’ve seen, it’s quite pitiful.  There are some random plastic bowls of Halloween candy disbursed on rented high-top tables and a buffet of airport KFC.

The only noteworthy part is 50-Cynt dressed as 50-Cent and lookin’ pretty dang fierce.  Will trails in, dressed as Poindexter – we could use a little less of him.  Noelle is at the party and this is her first exposure to Will, probably her last since his dating contract will be toast before filming is over.

SBS commits the ultimate Halloween-welcome to the ATL-but no peach for you party-foul and dresses in the same costume as the host.  There is only room for ONE Cleopatra in this decommissioned den of worship!  Wigs-n-Kroy are unoriginal as Hugh Hefner and a rando Playboy bunny, but I’m glad that this is the first episode in the long time that Kroy is not relegated to circling the block in the Escalade!  Marlo shows up as BAPS and some random older man, who she introduces as “Raymond”.  Kenya asks where he came from, to which he replies, “I fell from the sky”… more like fell out of escort agency li’l black book!

mmm hmm

SBS tells Marlo about the P-Willi gossip and Marlo convinces her it’s the best plan in the history of the explored universe to confront her at this social gathering.  Nene and Gregg walk in dressed as roach and exterminator and totally steal the show.  #couplepettygoals!  Wigs is in the corner lookin’ like a rabid bunny, but the joke is on her.  Kroy is laughing and gives Nene props for having a great sense of humor.  Watch Nene float out of this thing and score an endorsement deal for Orkin Pest Control, or some crazy shit!  Nene will be cashin’ cock-roach checks instead of Trump checks – ah well, same difference, right?

Nene-Gregg

At a nearby rent-a-high-top, it’s SBS-n-Wigs vs. zombie brides P-Willi-n-Lauren.  The confrontation begins… P-Willi’s life is just one crushing friendship defeat after another.  She responds as one would expect of any zombie bride – “wha’?”  Shamea, appropriately dressed as “messy mermaid”, wiggles her way up to bring her bestie up to speed on why SBS is comin’ for her.  The whole thing escalates quickly, Wigs inserts herself, there’s a lot of acrylic fingernail waving, and P-Willi suggests they talk privately.  Game over – SBS has already labelled her as a bad friend and she dashes off to burn their friendship contract at the decorative entry cauldron.  Nene takes P-Willi aside and lectures her about giving an “apology presentation ceremony” of sorts to the entire group, with “no buts”.  P-Willi stands her ground and says “NO” to Nene, which is freakin’ unheard of in this crew.  Marlo and her 5 foot wig try to butt in, P-Willi is shoveling Pez or Xanax into her mouth at an alarming rate, but then swiftly walks away because she’s about to erupt into a fiery rage containing the white-hot heat of 1,000 suns!  Marlo the asshole and her 5-foot wig are chasing after P-Willi and she pulls on her zombie-bride train.  Some rando party-goer, or a Bravo intern perhaps, whisks in to aid P-Willi and he helps carry her train so she can escape the idiot-hooker chasing her.

50-cent-porsha

Oddly – this rando looks a li’l like none other than the real 50-CENT!  After P-Willi escapes from the peach-thirsty Marlo, she reconvenes with Lauren and they hoof it out of there.  Poor li’l Fitty – he was hoping P-Willi might split an Uber with him – 50-Sad!

50-Sad

Kandi has had her fill of airport KFC and the dipping sauces have run dry, she is ready to hear the best costume award and be in bed by 8!  Of course, 50-Cynt takes the prize and bids farewell to her alter-ego.  Cynthia has since turned 51, RIP 50-CYNT!

50-cynt-costume

As we wind up, we see the updates of each housewife to tide us over until the bloodbath reunion – 50-Cynt is still “getting to know” Will after nine months of dating.  Nene is still attempting her comedy, P-Willi has the acting bug and is continuing her pursuits, Kandi has an OLG food-truck in the works because she doesn’t have enough revenue streams, Kenya is still waffling with Question Marc about where to call “home”, and we learn that the “Man Cave” at the Château will be empty until 2022.  God’s speed, Prison-BAE!

See y’all next week for reunion roundup, part one!