Chuckelina of the Desert

Teresa is doing a cooking demonstration at Chef Central, she throws some kale and bacon in a pan and Kathy shows up to give her undying support now that they have officially swept their ugliness under the Persian conversion rug.  Teresa immediately rehashes the Milania Hair Care launch, Jan-n-Penny fiasco, and Kathy is a bit outraged.  Teresa’s take on it is that the event went swimmingly because she is vindicated and has proof that she had nothing to do with the rumor spreading about Melissa.

Everyone is packing for the Arizona getaway and Melissa whines that she would rather “go alone to get away, not for nuthin’.”  Joe gives her the “it is what it is” speech and Melissa looks about as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library.  Richie and Kathy are packing up and Richie is dancing around with his popped collar and snakeskin boots, bitching about how Kathy is as cold as ice.  All he plans to do is be a real pain in the ass on this trip.  The Manzo’s pack it up with such enthusiasm, as if they are travelling to watch paint dry.  Teresa, of course, thinks she is heading out for MTV’s spring break and she packs all of her skimpy, glitter encrusted bikinis.  G to the ia is disgusted that her mother wants to dress like a first shifter at “Heavenly Bodies”.  Milania gets line of the night “ewww, why your chuckelina full of sparkles?”

Teresa-Chuckelina

Everyone’s flights arrive on time except for the Manzo/Laurita plane, who are delayed five hours or some shit.  The best part of this montage is Juicy standing outside at the airport in his Juicy Couture velour track suit that he garbage picked at Ceelo Green’s house.  He looks like the cookie monster after a hard night at the craps table.

Juicy-velour

The loud gang arrives at the Miraval resort and they are greeted with smoothies and silence.  Richie forgot to pack his “indoor voice” and he rips a cheek slapping fart in the quiet area for good measure.  Melissa is very sick and she lays in the bed whining to Joe that she needs “like a throat lozenger.”  Teresa is screaming about bugs, and the two Joes whoop it up like ol’ buddies.  Teresa decides she needs to pump up her guns and does push-ups in her bikini next to the hot tub.  Richie turns into “Debbie Downer” and bitches about his shitty accommodations, but is soon distracted by Melissa’s camel toe.

Teresa-pushup

The gang gathers for dinner and Melissa announces that an “energy healer” will be coming by.  The healer tells the group she is actually a “medium”, Sidebar:  oh where is that crazy fake smoking medium, Allison Dubois, from RHBH when you need her?

AllisonDubois

Allison-Bitch

Everyone is skeptical, and rightfully so, the medium is off to a rocky start.  She senses Melissa’s birthday and she should enjoy more.  No shit.  Then she talks about wanting to forgive, things misconstrued, it’s a telephone game, blood is thicker than water.  Hmm, sounds to me like she watches the show.  The medium hears from Richie’s late father and Richie goes into the ugly cry.  The medium senses cancer in the front of the body (not too vague), which is Kathy’s father and she actually hits some really personal stuff right on the money.

The next day, the gang goes for a wilderness hike, except Melissa who stays behind because she feels like ass on a stick.  Nothing a little sun therapy won’t cure.  The rest of the gang trudges through the desert and horse shit, along the trail to bliss and enlightenment.  The hike concludes with a cleansing and purifying ceremony.  They have to write on paper what they are letting go of and then burn it.  Al decides he is not going to participate, but he has a deep, dark secret written on that crumbled piece of paper…I just know it.

Caroline jumps up to go first.  She is releasing “worry”.

The rest of the gang follows suit…Joe = “anger and hate” (good one!)

Kathy = “putting everyone else’s needs before my own” (as she tosses Richie in the fire)

Jacs = “reacting to negativity or letting go of ill feelings toward people who have hurt you” (oh Jacs, why is it always all about you?!?!)

Teresa becomes emotional because, of course, everyone is talking about her rottenness.  She calls most of the gang up to the fire to join hands in a circle and wish for happiness and health.  Teresa asks Jacs to go for a walk and Jacs confesses she misses Teresa.  Leave it to Teresa to put her foot in her mouth and say that she wants to make things right so that she doesn’t experience any bad Karma, or worse yet have Karma skip a generation and kick her daughters in their tiny assess.  Jacs is trying to process this comment in her little nut brain and her CPU shoots out this translation… “Jacs, you’re a raging cunt bag and that’s why Nicholas is suffering.”  Ouch…I think that was the final nail in the coffin for these two.

Next week, equine therapy reveals some possible abuse in Al Manzo’s past.

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Penny for your Thoughts

Teresa and her clan arrive at Melissa’s house bearing store bought cupcakes, I hope they don’t have sprinkles on them.  Shocker, Teresa is promoting another crappy product, her hair care line called “Milania”.  I think Weavalicious would be a better name.  Teresa critiques Melissa’s book cover and gives off negative vibes because Joe isn’t in the photo.  Teresa should worry about her own self, promoting a hair care line while sporting that hot mess helmet hair, fishtail braid pin on ramshackle disaster?  Really Teresa, this is what we’re doing now?  Melissa brings up the cheating rumors being publicized on “Life & Style Magazine” and all Teresa can do is blink her 10 lb. eyelashes.  Her advice was to “ignore it and it will go away.”  Just like her 839 indictment charges, blink, blink, nod, click your $800 red bottom heels, and poof they are gone.

Kathy and Richie are grocery shopping and Richie is overly fascinated by the yams.  He gets a text from Joe to go hang out at a “cigar bar”, which he tells us is code for “strip club.”  Kathy is trying to chat with the women at the bakery counter and Richie keeps interjecting stupidity.  Kathy wants to change the way the world thinks about cannoli.  Really Kathy, why?  Everybody knows that cannoli is awesome!

Richie finds himself at an actual cigar bar and he, Chris, and Joe enjoy some salads.  MMMM rugged!  Joe jams a knife into the bar like a li’l psycho and announces that he wants to get Melissa something special for her birthday.  Richie suggests “a break from that little pea shooter you call Tarzan.”  Apparently, she does need a break because Melissa texts during the act, bringing a whole new meaning to “sexting”.  Chris suggests vacation to Arizona, sponsored by Bravo, they will all go together, and Richie reminds Joe to make sure that the resort has wifi so Melissa can keep texting.

Vito and Lauren are out for a Greek meal and they start talking about why Lauren doesn’t want to get engaged.  She lays a line on him about her “career” at Cafface, but she tells the camera that all Vito wants to do is “sit on the couch and get fat.”  This doesn’t bode well for these two, especially since Lauren is just about ready to squeeze herself back into her spandex onesie.

Joe and Melissa go out to Aladdin, which appears to be a hookah bar.  Joe tells her about the Arizona trip idea and she likes it until he suggests inviting Teresa and Joe.  Her face looks strained under the weight of her eyelashes as the rest of the gang shuffles in to join in the fun.  Joe makes an announcement at dinner about the trip, the gang all cheers, smokes the hookah, and they make it rain for the belly dancers, and Melissa.

The next day, Joe and Melissa are hanging out on their driveway throwing snow balls at each other.  Joe throws a snow ball at her and she is royally pissed because she just “did her whole hair.”  C’mon Melissa, you are used to having balls hurled at your face.  Teresa calls her to invite her to a launch party for the hair care line, but there’s one li’l snag…Penny and Jan will be there.  Teresa spins it as an opportunity for Melissa to confront them about the cheating rumors.  Sidebar:  Penny owns a salon and she is Angelo’s cousin, A.K.A. Mr. Clean who claimed Melissa used to dance for him.  Teresa ensures Melissa that she will be there to “back her up” in what is likely to be a hairy situation.  Translation:  Blink, blink, blink.

Kathy and Caroline take a stroll around Hoboken and commiserate about having their hubbies hovering over them all the time.  Kathy shares her fear about her business coming between she and Richie.  Of course, Caro gives her the advice on how to lay down the law and set him straight.  And this is why Caroline earlier had to ask Al for grocery money?  C’mon Caro…who wears the pants?

Teresa and the girls are getting ready for the launch party and Milania slides down the banister and she has a stuffed bra under her bedazzled tee-shirt. 

MilaniaBanister

This moment of the episode makes this hour of my life, which I will never get back, worth it.  She is ready to roll with her newfound undergarments, but Teresa tells her she cannot attend the party even though the product line is named after her.  Tactical error #1, Teresa must have missed Ramona Singer’s Marketing 101 seminar at the Learning Annex, cute kids can pimp your sub-par product lines.

MilaniaBoob

Teresa is getting her makeup done and Kim D. shows up to pre-party shit stir.  Meanwhile, Melissa is with some of her other friends discussing how Jan stabbed her in the back by saying that Melissa had an affair with an ex.  After all hair is done and makeup is heavily applied, they head off to the launch party and things are on and poppin’.  The wicked witches are at the bar ready to attack.  Kim D. calls Melissa over and wants to put things behind them.  Jan walks up and it’s all sorts of awkward.  Jan confronts Melissa and they get into it and Teresa just stands idly by, blinking.  Then the crypt-keeper, Penny walks up to congratulate Teresa on her “hairline.”  Ahem…I’ll give you a minute.  Penny looks like she wobbled out of the Dolly Parton irregular wig factory.  Penny admits someone was questioning her about Melissa’s past, but won’t give up her source.  Teresa keeps interrupting and is more concerned about clearing her own name and blinking the hair tinsel out of her eyes.  She prompts Penny to say 1,000 times that they are not friends.  Penny obliges Teresa, but Melissa presses for more info.  Penny’s lips are sealed, but her eyes tell a different story.  This frail broad is hiding something and Melissa knows it has T-E-R-E-S-A written all over it.  They go back and forth a bit more, declaring that BREAKING NEWS…Penny and Teresa are NOT FRIENDS! 

Tre-WeNotFriend

Does someone have “Life & Style” on speed dial up in dis beyotch?!?!?  I smell a cover story.  Melissa tells the camera “someone must be pulling Penny’s leash”, as if she is an actual dog.  They conclude the episode by staring at each other and blinking.  IT’S A MOTHERF*CKIN’ BLINK OFF!

Pole Position

We return to our intellectual free fall with Teresa and Jacs at the unpopulated restaurant.  They are still hashing out their pre-school issue, while their hubby meatheads smoke and drink in the bar.  Teresa gives some canned bullshit about how they are going around in circles and they need to agree to be civil.  The ladies conclude their talk and then beeline for the bar to knock back a few.  Juicy seems to want to let bygones be bygones, I swear production must be slipping Xanax into his li’l bastard steroid juice packs.

Kathy and Jacs hit WOB Lingerie to try on fake butts and big ass bras.  Kathy needs to go to World of Blouses and find one that fits.  Damn, those buttons are hanging on for dear life.  Jacs is looking for some front loading pajamas so that she can rest in comfort after her tummy and neck tucks, which she plans to fly to L.A. to receive.

Joe arrives at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors to pick up G to the ia for a “date” at the go kart track.  Meanwhile, Milania has monkey climbed her way up the outside of the staircase and bazooka’ed a foam ball into the chandelier.  Teresa actually reacts quite calmly to the mass chaos and it’s good to see her having fun playing with the girls, even if it breaks her repo’ed chandelier.

Boyz II Manzos are “bro-ing out” with their buddy Greggy Bennett.  He is moving to L.A. for a new job.  Gregg affectionately calls their time together a “cancer hang” meaning, when people have cancer and then others want to hang out with them all the time.  Politically incorrect, but funny.

Joe and G to the ia race around in their respective go karts at Pole Position Raceway.  They sit down to enjoy a slice of pizza topped with brass tacks.  Joe asks if she has teenage, eye rolling disorder or if she is purposely distancing herself from him.  G to the ia consults her Hello Kitty diary to review the various feuds, let’s start with the Christening, shall we?  G to the ia straight up READS him.  It wasn’t the “time or the place”, “it was your son’s christening and it hurt Nonni and Poppi the most, not to mention everyone else, you weren’t raised to behave that way”.  DAYUM!  If G to the ia didn’t look exactly like her mother, I would swear she was adopted.  She is the only one in the family with any common sense or level headedness.  Joe tells her that he doesn’t just “jump off the handle for no reason, there are two sides to every story”.  G to the ia senses he is uncomfortable and he gives her the “I love you”, sweep it under the Persian rug, it’s all good speech.

Joe-Gia-Chat

Teresa is rounding up the troops to go to a Zumba charity event and everyone meets at the Goo-moo-flay Persian conversion house of crap.  Teresa’s younger daughters don’t remember any of the Wakile’s, not even Brass Knuckle Rosie.  Of course, the outing wouldn’t be complete without a party bus containing a stripper pole.  Once in the party bus, everyone starts knocking back some vino and reminiscing about all the names they have called each other.  Teresa asks Jacs to explain what “sociopath” means, and tells her to J.F.G.I (just f*ckin’ google it), but Tre does it one better, she asks Siri.  While Teresa’s brain short circuits and sizzles out, the other adults are all laughing about their atrocious behavior.  Leave it to Milania to shimmy her way up the pole and announce she is impersonating Melissa.

Everyone gives Zumba their best attempt despite being half in the bag.  Joe takes it easy for fear of sweating his hair off.  Teresa and Jacs are pooped and they sit down on the aerobic floor to bring up old wounds.  Teresa brings up the “sociopath” comment and Jacs reminds her that she called her “evil”.  The Zumba class is over ladies, stop throwing jabs.

Jacs-Tre-Hug

The gang arrives at the Brownstone to celebrate the departure of Greggy Bennett.  Caroline gives a speech and breaks down, Gregg opens a gift from the Manzo’s, which is a framed photo.  Gregg had taken a picture of some graffiti which read “take care of each other” and Caroline had it framed.  Jacs arrives just in time to steal his thunder and discuss her trip to L.A. to get her tummy tuck.  The rest of the gang doesn’t seem to give three wet farts and they quickly resume the “Greggy Bennett Cancer Hang.”

GreggyBennett

Jacs has arrived in Beverly Hills and A$$ley is waiting for her.  Of course, their relationship is better than ever and they are BFFLs.  We catch up with A$$lee and find out that she herself has had some work done is a blogger.  Okay, so anyway, Jacs reveals her problem areas and the doctor goes over all the risks.  He tells her to eat light and avoid alcohol, which she has no intention of doing.  She immediately goes out for Mexican food and starts shooting tequila.  A$$lee is actually being mature in front of the camera and refuses to drink and Jacs’ dad keeps talking about how petrified he is of the impending surgery.

The next day, Jacs’ dad and A$$lee (sporting a Kim Kardashian top knot) discuss how scared they are and the procedure is taking longer than expected.  We get to see the surgeon, hacking away and removing two fatty flaps of Jacs’ former stomach, one containing her wayward heart/flower tattoo from her Vegas days.  The two skin/fat flaps lay on the surgical, hazardous-waste table of death, like a metaphor for Jacs’ and Teresa’s friendship.

Tan Together, Die Alone

Melissa and the kids visit Joe at a construction site and she’s appalled at the mud because she has apparently never seen a construction site.  Melissa, think of it as your face before you get into your makeup chair.  You gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet.  Anyhoo…the critical turning point of this opening scene is the call Joe receives from Sizzle Tans to be photographed for a billboard.  Joe discusses this important career move with Melissa and he wants her to join him, but she wisely decides to step aside from the “opportunity” (and we use that term loosely) because she doesn’t want to be accused yet again of copying her sissy in law, Teresa.  As we all forgot, Teresa was the former face of Sizzle Tans.  In case you missed it…

Teresa-Tan

Meanwhile, Teresa is cooking family dinner while the girls help set the table.  Milania and G to the ia are rocking the side ponies in great anticipation of the reuniting of the cousins.  Milania is wielding the butter knives a bit too skillfully and she clues us in that she is never going to cook for a man, but he will cook for her.  Yes, Milania, yes he will…in PRISON!

Caroline, Jacs, and Melissa get together to dish about the retreat.  Melissa is a busy bee today.  She gives Jacs a heads up that everything is back on track now, so Jacs better follow suit.  Caroline tells Jacs about the drunken trust fall make up with Jacs deal she made with Teresa.  Jacs seems about as interested as she does in bleaching her asshole, but Caroline convinces her to take it to a level where they can at least be civil, they don’t have to be BFFL.

Melissa and Joe arrive at the Goo-boo-chay house of horrors and of course the kids are all happy to see each other.  Melissa has a white bakery box, for the love of all that is good and decent, I hope it’s not sprinkle cookies!  Joe can’t believe how much G to the ia has grown, but she reminds him that he hasn’t seen her “in like a year!”  Way to make your uncle feel like donkey shit.  Melissa makes a stabby remark to Teresa in the kitchen and of course Teresa snipes back.  I can see these two are hitting it off like two wildebeests in a pillowcase.

Teresa-Melissa-Jabs

Joe announces his Sizzle Tan billboard and Teresa doesn’t flip the table.  Melissa is gettin’ her drink on and she tells Teresa that she clued Jacs in on the promise Teresa made during the drunken trust fall make up session of bliss.  Teresa shows signs of drunken trust fall remorse and she deflects by doing some Jacs bashing.  Juicy puts the kibosh on Teresa and tells her to move on from this boring crap.  I reiterate from last week, when in the hell did the Mucinex slug become the voice of reason?

We visit the Wakile’s to find out that Kathy has a case of the sads.  She sits down with Brass Knuckle Rosie to clear up some comments made by Teresa last season about Kathy’s non-acceptance of Rosie.  They chat, Rosie tells her to ease up a bit about being non-approving of Rosie’s girlfriends and they move on.

Al and Caroline are hanging out in their Hoboken apartment and the Boyz II Manzos and Lauren arrive for a good ol’ fashioned family rumble.  Caroline launches into a lecture on the Boyz about being workaholics, especially Albie.  Al Sr. dives on Caroline like a hunk o’ provolone saying Albie “doesn’t wanna get his balls broke” for being motivated.  He frosts her cake with “Just shut the eff up!”  It’s like riding down a rainbow on a unicorn with these two.  Do we sense some marital tension brewing?

Melissa is in hair and makeup again getting ready to “Melissa-ize” her book cover shoot.  Meanwhile, her modest hubby is flexing his guns for Sizzle Tans.  We are treated to dueling scenes of Melissa dressed like an extra in a “Poison” video, demanding “more fan, more fan” while Joe flirts with the female model at Sizzle Tans, something about a filet mignon and a hot dog, a dirty dog…anyway, orange Joe does push-ups with the young lass on his sizzling, tan back.

Jacs is poking around at a toy store with her son CJ pretending to spend quality time with him and buy him toys.  She gets a call from Teresa, her “favorite friend”.  They agree to talk, but they must meet in a neutral, empty restaurant to hash it out.

Meanwhile, the Wakile’s go out to a gay bar to support Rosie in her attempt to find love.  Richie being his obnoxious self, asks if the bar is called the “Clam Hut”.  They walk inside and find out that they all need to select a wristband based on their status, Single, D.T.F., Taken, and It’s Complicated.  Melissa acts like she has never seen “Jersey Shore” and forgets that her husband dressed up like “Snooki” for Halloween.  She asks the hostess what D.T.F. stands for.  It’s certainly not you Melissa, this is D.T.F. …

Joe-Snooki

The hostess gingerly explains the acronym and Joe is immediately on board with a D.T.F. wristband as Melissa gives him the death glare.  Rosie declares that she is definitely not D.T.F., she is not into bisexuals, and swingers need not apply.  Looks like Rosie’s checklist eliminates 75% of the clientele.  Richie finds some single ladies and Rosie chats up a nice woman named “Ellen”, and it is edited to make Rosie look like a drunken buffoon, something like “I’ve got a lot of things going on upstairs, I’m like AHHHH”, and the piece de resistance, “Fried green tomatoes with a slice of bacon on top…”  Ahh Rosie, you had her at “bacon”.

The Goo-boo-chay family is on the way to the mall and while Juicy is driving he preoccupies himself with G to the ia’s lip gloss level.  I am a little preoccupied by the fact that Juicy is driving, last we checked his license was revoked.  Anyhoo…those are just minor details.  The more pressing matter is passing by Uncle Joe’s Sizzle Tans billboard and of course Juicy has something to say about it.  In the Gorga vehicle, Melissa tells the kids to say “congratulations, daddy” about the billboard and Geno says “congratulations, stupid!”  Looks like he’s been hanging out in the garage kickboxing with uncle Juicy.

Joe-billboard

The Laurita’s and Goo-boo-chays come face to face in neutral territory.  The men go to the bar and the ladies sit in an empty dining room.  So away we go on the Hot Mess Express, first stop, rehash the Napa trip.  Teresa wants to harp on the cheating allegations and Jacs won’t go there.  Meanwhile the men’s convo goes like this “pissed off…shit happens…shady…f*ck off…I don’t remember…put it behind us…it’s all f*ckin’ water under the bridge now…cheers!”  If only it were that simple for the ladies.  Teresa calls Jacs “evil” a la Real Housewives of Orange County.  Jacs stares at her as if she wants to drown Teresa in a pool of shallow gravy.  To be continued…