F*ck It!

Caroline is reflecting on the Teresa blow out and how she feels she walked into a pile of bullshit.  Well she can thank Bravo for that, they clearly scripted that moment when she came sidling up from the bushes.  Meanwhile, older Chris Manzo is shooting the breeze with the Boyz II Manzo’s, Sassy Roommate Greg, and Lauren and they discuss the Teresa debacle.  Chris hopes Jacs is finally done with Teresa.  The whole gang is hurt and now Chris worries about the Napa trip and may un-invite the Guidices, which he should.  Christopher, knowing that Bravo mandated, booze fueled, group vacations are what keeps the paychecks flowing, suggests they leave the Napa trip as an open invite and the girls just have to deal with their shit.

Jacs is locked in her bedroom, having a total breakdown.  She has no regrets, but is sad the way her friendship with Teresa turned out.  Chris explains that when men have problems, they just take a swing at one another and then wrestle (in a non-sexual way of course), women on the other hand are emotional.  I myself, am actually not so sure why Jacs is such a wreck over Teresa.

Meanwhile, Teresa is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess discussing the situation with Juicy, the ever compassionate dick wagon.  Teresa finds solace in applying way too much lip gloss and running to Dina, Caroline’s estranged sister, to vent about the throwdown.  This is screwed up on so many levels, hopefully we will find out what is up with that.  I don’t know why Dina would entertain Teresa’s bullshit for a hot second, or Grandma Wrinkles for that matter.  Teresa whines to Juicy about Jacs and he bombards her with his oh so helpful Juicy Guidice solutions to every problem:  you have me, what else do you need?  Fuggedaboudid, whadddayagonnado, screw them, shaaaddddddup, they’re all idiots, dodo birds.  He goes on to bitch about having to go to Melissa’s song release party, but he will support her in working things out with “the knucklehead” (a.k.a., Joe) because he’s family, but not Jacs…friends like her come and go.  He cuts Teresa off when she tries to continue venting and says “enough, I already told you what to do”.  He’s about as supportive as Larry King’s diaper.

Kathy is working in her garden and gets a call from Teresa inviting her to lunch.  Kathy is suspicious there are ulterior motives.  Hmm…could Teresa have ulterior motives?  That’s like saying this woman could be a little tan…

It’s painfully obvious that Teresa has no friends left and she needs to rally some unsuspecting peeps in her corner.  They meet at the Garden Café and Teresa goes on about how they used to be like sisters.  Teresa rehashes the ambush with Jacs and Caroline and Kathy immediately knows what’s up.  Kathy is stupidly optimistic that things are going to get better, she starts showing Teresa some old photos and a little pair of underwear?  A little pair of bedazzled underwear that Teresa gave to Victoria when she was a baby.  Teresa tells us how she hopes things with Kathy can work out, “You can’t nitpick and be petty on every little thing, then you’re never going to have a family.”  Really Teresa?  Three words for you… “unattended” and “sprinkle cookies”.

Melissa is putting on makeup so she can call Ryan Seacrest.  Yes, a full face of makeup for a phone call, you read that right.  There is a fine line between wearing make-up and looking like Crayola gang banged your face.  But I digress, Joe is rough housing with Gino and he takes a page out of Milania’s book and gives Joe a pretty good punch in the face with his teeny tiny little fist of fury.  Ryan Seacrest’s radio show is debuting  the dance version of “On Display”, because lord knows we need yet another version of this auto tuned piece of donkey shit.  Ryan’s trusty assistant gives him an intro to Melisa over the phone, as if Seacrest is soooo important.  He conducts a brief phone interview with her, which he clearly couldn’t care about less if he tried.  As the song plays, Joe and the kids are dancing around and enjoying themselves.  There is one cute moment when Antonia gives her dad a kiss and Joe tells her she can’t wear lipstick until she is 21.

Teresa summons the Juice man for a sit down by their pond, but Juicy is preoccupied with the missing koi fish.  Teresa points at a nearby heron and says “maybe the stork ate them”.  Maybe the Hillbilly Handfishin’ clan came and repoe’d ‘em!  Anyhoo…she tells Juicy that she has decided to try therapy with Joe.  Juicy tells a story about when he was a kid and had to go to therapy and he had a bad experience with it, hmm wonder why.  He seems like he was that kid that blew up squirrels with firecrackers.  Teresa decides that she loves Joe and if therapy is needed, she will go.  Juicy still tries to shame her out of doing it, but he finally concedes, but not without the final insult.  As far as he is concerned, Joe is no longer her brother, but her sister.

Melissa and Joe head out to the “On Display” release party and Melissa is stressed about the negative twatting.  She finally gets some positive twats from Caroline and Jacs and decides to ignore the negatives.  Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy revel in the negative twats and the five exclamation points one twatter put after “On Display sucks!!!!!”  It’s short lived because Teresa’s attention is focused on her own welfare and how she is going to deal with seeing Jacs and Caroline.

All the peeps arrive to the release party and there are copies of “Boardwalk Journal” with a photo of Melissa and it says “Lady Gorga”.  Wow…just wow.  Jacs is a bit unsure of herself since Teresa will be there and it is mostly Teresa’s posse.  Kathy and Caroline discuss some of the magazine articles and they rehash the ambush.  Teresa and Juicy arrive and snub Jacs, Teresa makes a beeline for Joe, because of course this party is the appropriate time to tell him she will go to therapy with him.  Joe is happy, he is not sure who “this Teresa” is, but he’ll take it.  Guess what Joe, “this Teresa” is still the same two-faced fame-whooah that, in a blink of a false eyelash, will turn to the camera and tell all of America that she hopes the therapist will help YOU see that YOU are the one with the problem!  Good luck wit’ dat!

Good ol’ Rosie is hammered out of her Gorga and I love it.  We need more of her drunk, sloppy ass.  Melissa is introducing her song as Joe showers her with what appear to be fake flowers.  Everyone is half-heartedly dancing about and Jacs decides to approach Teresa and ask her where they stand.  Ugg…Jacs, have you learned nothing?  You decide where you stand, stop letting Teresa dictate how YOU feel.  Caroline notes that Jacs is unsettled and that is why she needs to talk to Teresa, but Teresa couldn’t care less.  Poor Jacs, will she ever learn?

Jacs admits she cried for two days and Teresa said she cried so hard she thought her brains were going to come out of her head.  Hmmm… I think that happened long ago.  Now this is where it gets good.  Jacs says she is sorry and Teresa gets that table flippin’ look on her face and says “Sorry?  Jacqueline, you f*cked up!”  Jacs “let’s make up face” turns to angry drunk, deeze bitches about to fight like bobcats in a pillowcase.

The Boyz II Manzo’s actually deliver a humorous impression of Teresa and Jacs.  But let’s get back to the real idiots of New Jersey…Teresa puts Jacs in the category of the fight she had with Joe at the christening.  Jacs tells her she can’t flip the script on her and Teresa tells us that she should have punched Jacs in the face.  C’mon Tre, that ain’t your style, you flip tables.  But of course, it’s a perfect segue for Teresa to bring up the fact that Jacs punched Caroline in the face way back when.  Can someone get this stupid bitch a plunger?  She loves to bring up old shit.  Over at the bar, Chris and Juicy start talking about the situation Chris explains that the beef is about Teresa bringing Danielle back into the picture.  After all, just when we thought we were rid of her, she prostitution whooahs her way back on to the scene.

Joe and Caroline rehash the fight and Caroline hopes that with her out of the way, maybe Joe and Teresa can fix things.  Joe realizes that the fight with Caroline and Jacs is what pushed Teresa his way, but he is as desperate as a stripper that works the lunch buffet crowd on Tuesdays and sometimes gets to take the leftover tater tots home, he’ll take what he can get.

Melissa intervenes into the Tre/Jacs debacle because they are yelling and everyone can hear them.  Teresa brings up the Danielle thing again, Melissa was talking to her two years ago, blah blah blah.  Jacs is over it, slams her drink, says “F*ck you”, and walks away.  Melissa and Teresa continue to rehash the two-year old Danielle crap.  At least Melissa is honest and she admits at the time she did tell Danielle things, she was in a bad place and she hated Teresa.

Kathy’s friend Heather, who is clearly vying to be cast as a real housewife, calls Jacs up to the bar to do a shot, which is a fabulous idea.  Heather plies Jacks with her platitudes and some tequila, “stop taking on everyone’s problems, you’re not a goddamned psychiatrist!”  True dat!  Heather and Jacs take a shot and Heather teaches her to just say “F*ck it!”.  I hope they leave the party and go get matching “F*ck It!” ass tattoos.  Even though Heather is gacked to the nines, she has a valid point.  Maybe she can be Joe and Teresa’s therapist.

Drunken Rosie is chattin it up with Juicy and has a solid plan to “get back to basics”, she loves everybody and starts giving kisses.  Teresa can’t believe how the tables have turned and now she is besties with Kathy and Melissa and feuding with Caroline and Jacs.  Melissa is trying to be optimistic about Teresa’s change of heart, but deep down we all know, this too shall pass.  F*ck it!

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Morally Bankrupt

The Guidice home is under construction and Teresa describes it as a junkyard, and it is, complete with those junkyard dogs lurking behind the chain link fence.  She thinks Juicy looks “damn sexy” while he remodels the home in his wife beater and shorts.  Just as her voice over says “damn sexy”, we see the Juice man rip a chunky mucinex sneeze.  Mmmmm…damn sexy.  She explains all the creepy tents in the back yard and apparently, that is where Juicy stores all his tools, backhoes (I could go so many directions with that), jugs of Carlo Rossi, and homemade cigars.  So does this mean that Teresa will have a re-done home?  I hope so, then all of these bitches will finally be even.  Teresa also explains that just because “you do bankruptcy doesn’t mean you have to crawl and die in a hole”.  Well, actually in her case, I wish she would.  Teresa and her girls marvel at the frogs that are in the holes that Juicy dug and leave it to him to put a damper on it by saying they are going to be dead and covered with concrete.  I guess they are going to die in a hole.  Does that mean the frogs filed for bankruptcy?  Sheesh…I have been watching this show too long, I am starting to think like Teresa.

Across town, Joe is meeting with his architect and he finds out that he is also assisting Teresa and Juicy with a project to add a carport and he says “yea, just like your house has”.  Who’s copy-catting now???  He also tells Joe they are adding a garage with an apartment above it and they plan to put their parents in there.  Joe scoffs at the thought, he has been renting a home for his parents and he is looking for a small home for them that doesn’t have steps.  But he says it will be perfect because the parents are there so much and they are practically like nannies.  SLAM!

Caroline and Lauren stop for a bite to eat and Lauren orders a fruit cup and Caroline looks at her like she ordered a hot fudge bacon sundae.  Lauren decides that she is going to try and eat healthy for the summer and take the Perricone diet “day by day”.  Let’s face it she is not going to be able to live on liquid egg whites, so the diet was really bunk to begin with.  Caroline tells the camera that Lauren is a food addict and will likely fail, but she doesn’t want Lauren to know she has no faith in her.  So, just tell all of America on camera instead.  I swear these people forget they are being filmed.  They discuss how Lauren sticks out from the rest of her family now that everyone else is thin.  Albert tells us that when all else fails, “daddy will get you the lap band”.  It’s already confirmed that Lauren has taken him up on that offer and she has sold out to what she once termed as “the easy way out”.  Caroline delivers some lip service and tries to tell her “be happy, be healthy, be yourself”.  She then proceeds to call her “chunk-a-munk”.  Uggh Mama Manzo, kick a girl while she’s down, won’t you?

Jacs is skyping with Matt, A$$lee’s father, to get an update and she is back to her ol’ self, she is “up all night and sleeping all day”.  Jacs can’t handle it so she runs to grab a mega size bottle of Bailey’s and adds some to her coffee.  Matt has had it and told A$$lee to “get the f*ck out”.  Chris is just standing there staring at poor Jacs as she woefully swigs down her spiked coffee and he feels bad because he knows Jacs is hurting.  The reality of her only daughter becoming a stripper at a car wash is becoming more and more real.

The Boyz II Manzos, their sassy roommate Greg, and Lauren are hanging out at their apartment on a rainy day.  Nothing else to do but order everything on the menu from a local pizza joint.  The boyz pig out on a pizza and sandwiches only a mastodon could eat.  Lauren has a salad with a little greezy meat and cheese, even though she shouldn’t eat the meat and cheese, she goes for it.  Chris says she needs “Italian Rehab”.  As they stuff their faces, they wonder how Mama Manzo is doing and are worried because she hasn’t tweeted yet.  They call her to see if she is alive, and when she answers, they hang up on her.  Oh those little scallywags!

Jacs and Chris discuss yet another article in a tabloid about Teresa.  She allegedly withheld assets during her bankruptcy filing, translation = it could be greybar hotel for the Guidices.  Flash to Teresa and Juicy talking to their lawyer, Juicy’s bankruptcy is moving toward a conclusion, but Teresa’s matter is not because her offer was rejected.  She waxes philosophical about how God is testing her and it’s making her stronger and showing her who the true friends are.  Will she still have this positive outlook when she realizes there are no tanning beds in the hoosegow?

Jacs is #1 on Teresa’s list of true friends, but little does she know that Jacs has planned to put her on full blown bullshit blast regarding the tabloid articles.  Chris tells us that he had planned to buy all of the Giudice’s furniture in the auction and give it all back to them.  So here are the Laurita’s ready to help their “friends” and Teresa won’t even be straight with Jacs about what is really going on.  She has to read it at the checkout stand while she buys her giant bottles of Bailey’s.

Melissa is hanging out with her sisters hula hooping in the driveway.  We get it Melissa, you have a fabulous body, do you really need to shove it in our faces every chance you get?  Kathy shows up for a visit and they discuss the latest magazine article.  Kathy pours out her emotions while Melissa powders her nose and tells her to talk to Teresa about it.  Melissa really gives zero f*cks about it and knows none of it is true, everything is rainbows and lollipops, and Teresa is just doing the articles to make money.

Teresa arrives at Jacs and immediately starts over complimenting her, translation = Teresa knows she is in hot shit.  Jacs has a hard time starting the convo with Tre about the articles and is already tearing up.  Jacs is upset that Teresa doesn’t confide in her and she has to read this crap in a magazine.  Teresa offers her the attorney’s phone number if she wants to speak to him.  NICE.  She laughs off the possibility of going to the clink and says she would flee to another country if that were the case.  Teresa maintains her innocence and then denies that she is getting paid for the magazine articles.  Chris tells us that Teresa calls Jacs every day at 8:00 a.m., like clockwork, and it’s all about Teresa and she never bothers to ask Jacs how she is doing.  It’s very clear that any “friendship” involving Teresa goes one way.

Teresa thinks Jacs is psycho, she acts sad and then she attacks, she is like “Heckyl and Jyde”.  Yes, she actually said that.  I’ll give you a moment to re-hinge your jaw.  Go ahead…I’ll wait.

Jacs calls her out about twatting Danielle Staub the night before, something about loyalty, and then we see twats from Danielle accusing Melissa of contacting her constantly and Teresa explains that was two years ago.  Teresa denies any wrongdoing in the Twatgate and tells Jacs that Danielle twatted her first, wah wah wah.  Teresa goes off about how Melissa was “maliciously” attacking her.

Jacs finally unleashes, Teresa claims she wants things to be better with Melissa and Joe and move forward and not rehash the past, but she will continue to rehash the past when it benefits her.  She calls Teresa a hypocrite and points out how maybe Melissa was trying to hurt her two years ago, but Teresa is doing that now because she is hanging on to the past.  Teresa explodes and says they are FREAKIN’ JEALOUS of her and says “are you kidding me” about 18 times.

Caroline sidles around the corner like a freakin’ ninja and says “why are you screaming?”  Teresa makes a face like she knows the jig is up, Caroline gives her the death stare and it turns into a tele-novella.  Teresa says “whatever, I feel ambushed”.  Caroline revs up the motor once again and tells Teresa that they heard it straight from her that she is selling the stories and has a contract to put out the articles.  Teresa denies, Caroline flies into a rage, there is more crazy finger pointing and arms circling in the air.

Jacs hides under the magazine, and Teresa keeps backpeddling.  Jacs takes a new tactic and tries to put on a little puppet show, Housewives Theater of sorts.  Jacs will be playing the role of Teresa.  She demonstrates how it should have been handled with Caroline.

Teresa doesn’t know what more she can do and thinks her apologies were sufficient.  Caroline lays into her again and now they go back to the whole Fabuliciouscookbookgate.  Caroline calls Teresa a liar and tells her she is crazy.  Caroline admits she does enjoy blindsiding Teresa and catching her in the lies.  Teresa accuses Caroline of turning on her just like she did to her sister, Dina.  They really need to just cut off all contact with Teresa, this chick is so full of shit, she is morally bankrupt, and I don’t want to look at her Herman Muenster forehead anymore.

Caroline says she will be cordial and Jacs is going to distance herself.  Teresa feels like she is going through a “friendship divorce” and thought she and Jacs would grow old together, drink wine out of a box, and bedazzle each other’s walkers.  Teresa gets up to leave, but asks Jacs for kisses, once again proving she is full blown batshit crazy.  They just had a huge blow out and she wants kisses?  Jacs begrudgingly obliges and air kisses Teresa on the cheek, and in a blink of a false eyelash, Caroline sees Teresa’s Louis Vuitton and slides in her final jab, “nice bag”.  Next week it looks like we can prepare for more caterwauling…

The High Road is Paved with Reddi-Wip ®

The clan is still enjoying their stay in Chicago at the Hotel Sax.  Chris and Jacqueline are getting ready for the wedding and ponder over a cover of “In Touch” Magazine featuring Teresa with a dog.  The headline reads “I’m Terrified of Being Poor!”  No, Teresa is terrified of dogs, so we thought after last week.  The article talks about the “friends that are bullying them about being poor”.  No, Teresa, your “friends” are bullying you because you’re stupid and you’re on the cover of a rag with a dog that isn’t even yours!  They aren’t even bullying her and that word is being over used, just like the DAWG over on Idol over uses “wheelhouse”.

Meanwhile, in the Manzo hotel room, sassy Greg is scrounging for toothpaste and Lauren orders up Bellini’s, a fruit platter, and coffee.  Caroline stares at her as she racks up the room service bill.  Sassy Greg can’t bring himself to borrow Caroline’s “disgusting” toothpaste so he saunters down to the hotel store in his bathrobe, which is not cute.  While there, he conveniently picks up the “In Touch” magazine.  Caroline, Kathy, Melissa, and Kim G. are featured in the article with the headline “THEY CAN’T STOP PUBLICLY INSULTING HER”.  Well, who can’t really?  Teresa is an easy mark.  Caroline doesn’t notice the prop dog on the cover, we go right from the furry to the fury and Caroline feels the article is a slap in the face.

Juicy could live in a cardboard box as long as he has his home-made wine and cigars, Teresa is the one trying to keep up appearances.  Caroline sums it up by saying Teresa is a coward, she “hits and runs when there is an audience” making herself look like the victim and everyone else is a loose asshole.  Caroline, Sassy Greg, and Lauren toast with their Bellini’s to taking the high road.

In a rather gross scene, Teresa is trying to get frisky with the Juice man.  She inquires about a bottle of KY lubricant he has on the nightstand.  He explains that he wanted to know what it felt like (EWWW) and sometimes he just has to go to the bathroom and take care of business.  We learned this lesson last season, see my post, “Rub One Out”.  She shrieks and starts jumping on him, but he doesn’t want to get up.  He yammers on about the wedding not being real, but he’ll go hang out with the gays ‘cuz they know how to do it up.  He comments about Teresa’s breath smelling like “last night’s hot dogs” and she says something about Juicy’s hot dog… And.  I.  Just.  Threw.  Up.  In.  My.  Mouth.

Jacs is expecting Teresa up to her room and they will get ready together.  She strategically places the “In Touch” magazine on the coffee table and she plans to ask Teresa about the dog, but she isn’t going to discuss anything further for fear of a bad reaction.  Teresa arrives and lays on the doorbell about 18 times.  Teresa tells Jacs to put her hair in a low pony tail because the hat will need to go on top of her head.  Damn, she is brilliant.  She then she proceeds to tell Jacs that she reminds her of the princess, “Kate Hudson”.  Teresa is why other countries hate the United States, I swear.  Jacs asks if she got a puppy and refers to the magazine and Teresa explains the dogs were from “In Touch” and she has no say so on what is written.  Jacs decides to walk the plank and confront her about the bullying comments, but Teresa does a side-step, a shuffle, and the hustle and says “they ask questions, I answer.”  Teresa tells the camera that the ladies don’t know how it works with these magazines because they don’t get asked to do covers.  Oooh…burn…Sorry Tre, but if broke and desperate were attractive, they would be Calvin Klein fragrances.  Teresa tells Jacs there will be another cover coming out and in order to put the divorce rumors to rest, they will be renewing their vows.  Maybe “Out of Touch” Magazine will cover that hot ass mess of a story.  Juicy comes to the door and rings the bell incessantly just like Teresa did, Chris answers the door and says “your family has issues with tables and doorbells.”  Haha, well played Chris, well played.

The gang is on their way to the wedding on the party bus and the men are already hitting the wine.  Chris comes up with a fun party game and requires everyone to speak in a British accent.  Lauren tells Juicy “why don’t you go f*ck yourself” in the accent and it’s downright hilarious.

Teresa attempts the accent, but she can’t do it, because she’s a damn buffoon.  Teresa makes a comment about Melissa’s shore house being done now and Jacs chimes in with “so now she has a re-done home?”  Aaaaannnnddd…Jacs is BACK…way to wield the passive aggressiveness with a dig that takes us down memory lane!

Back at the Jersey Shore, Melissa is showing off the re-done home.  She is chatting it up with her 80 year old neighbor in her re-done fringed bikini and re-done boobs.  She warns him about the impending rowdy party that is about to commence and allows him to motorboat her in order to dissuade him from calling the cops later.  Hey…is that “Ham Linky” I see in the background?

Kathy and Melissa’s sister, Lysa, arrive and they pour a gallon of Malibu Rum into the blender, then Joe arrives with a copy of the “In Touch” magazine!  What are the odds?  Melissa knows Teresa is just doing it for the money and Kathy struggles with who the real Teresa is.  Well, let me just clear that up for ya’, SHE IS A GOD DAMNED PSYCHOPATH!

Meanwhile, back on the party bus…Juicy tells Teresa that her “nipples are about to hang”, and then everyone notices.  She is pissed that he said it so loud and then he calls her a “whore”.  These two are such a lovable pair.  Chris tries to break the tension and he makes an announcement about expanding his BLK beverage company.  They will be representing a wine company and he wants everyone to take a trip to Napa.  Jacs is confused as to why Chris would announce this and invite everyone on a trip.  And quite frankly, I think she would rather co-star in a Tijuana Donkey Show than take a trip with the Giudices.  Teresa keeps trying to chat it up with Caroline and she is ready to choke her out, “you and your hat shut up!” she quips.

They disembark the party bus and the ladies have a hard time navigating the turf in their stilettos.  The happy couple rides in on a horse drawn carriage complete with Disney princesses.

The ceremony begins and it is so ungodly hot, their assholes are sweating like they are being paid to.  They share some very heartfelt vows and cry like babies.  The dogs keep barking on cue as if they are part of the ceremony, which is kind of cute.  Now those are REAL dogs, not some makeshift “In Touch” prop dogs.  Caroline saunters up to deliver her speech, which is short and very sweet.  Something about moving mountains, moving minds, making a mountain out of a Mojito…The happy couple wraps up the ceremony by opening a box of butterflies to release them into the air.  Cue the rainbows and prop unicorns!

The party is in full swing back at the Jersey shore and Joe makes an announcement about Melissa’s new song “Auto tune Stars” “Rock Stars”.  They play it and everyone starts dancing and jumping around.  Richie takes the opportunity to pull Joe aside and ask him about Teresa, but Joe hasn’t heard a word from her.  Richie convinces Joe to text Teresa again in front of him so that he can be a witness.  Good thinkin’ Richie, it’s always a good idea to text someone you are having a heated feud with right after you have thrown three red solo cups of vodka down your throat.  He suggests that Joe term it nicely and refer to “mediation” rather than “therapy”.  Perhaps Tre will think “mediation” is a meatball making technique and she will finally come around.

The gang sits down to eat back at the wedding reception.  Teresa announces that she got a text telling her that her book is on the New York Times best sellers list.  Caroline is offended that she felt the need to announce anything about her stupid cookbook during her brother’s wedding, “Can’t anybody have anything?”  NO CAROLINE…YOU’LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!

While the wedding is a classy affair, the shore party, by contrast, is a bit sloppy and loose.  The rough housing begins, Joe tries to throw Rosie in the pool, but she gets away and yells “I will f*ck you up!”  No shit she will!  Rosie has really belly flopped her way into our hearts and minds this season, we just can’t quit her.  The men start spraying each other with Reddi-Wip ® and Joe jumps in the pool to rinse off.  In other words, it’s just like a typical Monday night at the Gorga’s re-done home…

Back at the wedding, Jacs and Teresa take a stroll over by a Buddha statue located in the land of gnomes and fairies.  She reads the text from Joe and whines to Jacs about the same shit over and over.  Teresa doesn’t want to bring up the past in therapy and she wants to start fresh.  Really, is that why we had to hear about the GD sprinkle cookies for the first six episodes last season?  AND THE RE-DONE HOME?  She claims Joe is the one holding grudges, but of course Jacs doesn’t really say what’s on her mind and she tries to couch her opinion with the same bullshit “it’s been two years!”, “it takes two”, blah, blah, blah.  Bottom line, Juicy doesn’t want Teresa going to therapy and she will not go against him.  Maybe in her vow renewal she can read “love, honor, and obey thy controlling douchetard”.

Jacs is doing the drunk girl extended eye blinking, or perhaps her false eyelashes are just getting too heavy.  She seems to be running out of nods and smiles and tells the camera Teresa is “too far gone”.  Does anyone else find it ironic that Teresa is adamant about standing by her husband’s wishes about not going to therapy with her brother, yet she is constantly pissed at Joe for siding with his wife?  Not only is she delusional, but she can add raging, ass-f*cking, hot dog eating, hypocrite to her skill set.  Hey… if the hat fits…

Jaime and Rich send up some lighted wish lanterns and invite their guests to do the same.  Juicy wishes for peace, help for all the sick people in the world, and for a boy or some shit.  Juicy says this is the best wedding he has been to and Jaime tells him he looks just like his ex-boyfriend…and cue fireworks!  If this was “The Bachelor”, they would make out and Jaime would give Juicy a rose.  But alas…it’s dirty Jerz…next week Teresa calls Jacqueline “Heckyl and Jide” and Jacs finally grows some “kahunas”.

Everything’s Coming Up Rosie

We start out this week with Milania and her usual routine, GTF.  Gym, Tan, Find out who G to the ia is texting.  When she accuses G to the ia of texting her boyfriend, G to the ia says “are you fff…” and she stops herself.  I am sure she was going to say “are you for real?”  She quickly remembers that she is on camera and delivers Milania a dose of serious side eye instead.

Teresa is still reeling in shock over G to the ia’s lash out at the field day so she decides to broach the subject over some Eggo waffles.  The perpetually clueless Teresa doesn’t understand why G to the ia behaved that way, but of course, the convo is all about Teresa.  She is basically trying to find out what Joe was talking to G to the ia about and is grasping for validation of her own bad behavior from her ten year old daughter.  Teresa tells her that she never wants to see G to the ia fight with her sisters.  Good thing Teresa was too busy styling her weave a moment ago when G to the ia was ready to lunge at Milania’s throat with an open fist.

Kathy and Rosie sit down to talk about Rosie’s ten-year struggle with her sexuality.  For some reason Kathy seems a bit wobbly about how Rosie will explain it to Joseph and Victoria, but Rosie assures her that it’s best she tell them herself.  Are we really supposed to believe that Joseph and Victoria don’t already know that Rosie belly flops in the lady pond?

It’s take your Real Housewife to work day and Joe takes Melissa to see an old creepy warehouse that he plans to convert to luxury apartments.  Melissa is so proud of Joe and his “big kahunas”.  OY VEY… clearly she means “cojones”.  Melissa feels like she is on the set of a scary movie and she busts out her acting chops in what she calls a “Grammy” winning performance.  No, Melissa, the Grammy is the other award you will never receive.  Unless they come up with a category for “Best Auto Tuned Performance by a Fame Whore”.  As they Melissa moves about the deteriorated floor in her stilettos, they discuss unfortunate accidents, insurance policies, and the Joe and Teresa feud.  He decides in that moment to send Teresa a text and suggest they go to therapy.  I guess the empty, broken down warehouse is a metaphor for their relationship.

Teresa and Kim D. are headed off to Kim’s empty community pool.  Teresa says Kim D. is one of her biggest fans and she likes it because Kim agrees with her all the time.  Kim is pouring what she calls “Veev Clo”.  Oy, maron…it’s Veuve Cliquot.  I guess it doesn’t matter, all champagne is made from the same ingredientces.  As they are about to drink, Teresa receives Joe’s text and reads it aloud to Kim D.  Kim tells her that there may be underlying issues that she doesn’t even know about and Teresa immediately brings up how Joe was engaged three times.  That’s right, Teresa hates engagements, oh shit, she may flip that picnic table right into Kim D’s community pool!  Kim thinks the therapy may help Joe with his big problem of telling his wife things.  She continues to stroke Teresa’s ego and says “nobody’s got their shit together more than you.”

Caroline and Lauren are trying to decide what to pack for their upcoming trip to Chicago to attend nuptials of Caroline’s brother, Jaime.  The theme is pastels and hats, he really should have called it “pastels and fascinators”, it’s way hipper.  Lauren calls Jaime for some wardrobe 911 and Caroline speaks to him briefly and he asks her to do a reading or to write something for the ceremony.  We will not be seeing sister Dina at the wedding, something is a-brewin’ there that we will discover soon.

Jacqueline is at Teresa’s to assist her in wardrobe planning and Teresa has taken gladiator sandals to a whole new level, they are “workin’ girl” gladiator sandals.  Teresa allows her younger daughter to clop around in some platform scoots and I am just waiting for her to take a tumble and start screaming, but she doesn’t.  Teresa tells Jacqueline about the text from Joe and that he wants them to go see a “physical therapist”.  Yes Teresa, a physical therapist.  He’s going to work you and Joe through the stretching machines, hit the pool for some water aerobics so it’s easy on the joints, and the two of you will be getting along like gangbusters.  Teresa tells Jacqueline she doesn’t need no stinkin’ therapy and she continues to reign supreme as the queen of denial.  Jacqueline won’t come out with how she really feels…again, but says she has tried therapy.  Teresa jabs her again and says she could understand Jaq and A$$lee going to therapy, because they are a hot mess and after all, it’s Jaq who is drinking wine in her closet in the middle of the day.

The Wakile’s are out for pizza with Rosie, and Richie gives her some time alone with Joseph and Victoria.  She tells them how she went through her life struggling with her sexuality and she finally came out with it because she was born this way.  Joseph and Victoria are very supportive and Rosie opens the floor for questions.  Joseph wants to know how “gaydar” works, but Rosie doesn’t have “gaydar” either so she can’t really help him.  All in all, a good talk…well played Rosie, well played.

Jacqueline is stressing about packing for the Chicago trip and Chris alleviates her situation by having some wine with her and they reminisce about Jaime growing up.  Chris talks about how Jaime had girlfriends when they grew up and he really didn’t know Jaime was gay.  Jacqueline gives Chris an update from Matt, A$$lee’s father.  He reports that she is way worse than she was before and he can’t understand how they gave the A$$ so many chances.

Meanwhile, at the Giudice house, Juicy makes a joke about wearing a jacket with no shirt underneath to the wedding.  Teresa asks him where his “luggages” are and he says “up your ass”.  And who needs marriage counseling?  Teresa keeps contending that they “love the gays” and that despite popular opinion, Juicy is not “anti-gay”.  It is here we are treated to some clips of some of Juicy demonstrating his love of gays… “I called the guy a f*cking f*ggot because I think he’s a f*cking f*ggot!”.  But seriously, he is not homophobic in any way.

The Wakile’s drive to the Jersey shore to a rental house and Rosie pulls up in a red Ferrari and says the car is “unbelievable, and it’s a magnet too.”  They are hosting a party and Richie has hired three girls to work the party, serve drinks, etc.  Richie infers to Rosie that the girls are for her, but she can tell they don’t swim in the lady pond.  He says many of the young kids are DTE (down to experiment), but Rosie isn’t down, she wants the real deal.

The gang arrives in Chicago and they board a party bus and head out to Jaime’s house in Barrington, Illinois.  Sidebar:  I don’t live too far from Barrington, interesting to know the Jersey clan was here.  Anyhoo, Caroline mentions that Jaime has dogs and Teresa is overly concerned because she has “sweet blood, and I always get bitten.”  WTF…Teresa keeps trying to chat up Caroline, but Caroline sees right through it.  They arrive at the house and it looks like a miniature golf course combined with munchkin land.  Caroline feels like Teresa puts the wood on her family’s fire while she puts the lid on Teresa’s.  Teresa is immediately terrified of the dogs, but not too terrified to slather on more sparkly lip gloss.

Jaime shows Teresa around the house and talks about how it’s the “tree of life” concept. Teresa tries to describe the house to the camera and she again struggles for her words and finally spits out the words “it’s like a tree trunk”.  Juicy knocks back a cocktail and immediately starts in with the inappropriateness.  He discusses the “gayest” thing he ever did and tells a story about comparing penises side by side with another boy named Jaime.

Teresa meanders outside to interrupt Jacqueline and Greg trying to enjoy some quiet time.  Jaime and Rich run through their rehearsal ceremony and Teresa continues to act like everything is just peachy keen.

Back at the shore, Joe is carrying Melissa on his back into the Wakile’s house.  It’s raining outside and Melissa is very concerned about her hair curling up.  Kathy’s friends Heather and Cliff arrive and Rosie is very taken with Heather and they all get a good laugh about it.  Joe decides to change into his swim trunks in the middle of the street and all I can say is thank goodness for the Bravo modesty patch or we would have gotten a shot of “Tarzan” at his worst angle.  Rosie and Heather continue to chat it up and Heather likes Rosie because she is real.  The martinis keep sliding down and everyone is getting all sloshy and loose.  Everyone is into the hot tub and Heather comes out in her bikini with guns blazing.  Rosie is about to lose her shit and Melissa looks a little pissed off, probably because she isn’t the center of attention.  It quickly turns into “Middle-Aged Women Gone Wild” and Heather is giving Rosie a lap dance in the hot tub.

Rosie is chomping down on her finger in order to keep from swallowing her tongue.  Meanwhile, Joe is fascinated by Heather’s husband, Cliff because he is 6’9” and Joe is very curious about his manhood.  Hubba hubba…oh you kid!

Back in Chicago, the clan boards back on to the party bus to leave Jaime’s where all things grow with love.  Of course, Juicy is all lubed up and he opens up more wine.  Lauren accuses someone of farting and Juicy blames it on Greg because “you got the loosest butt hole here”.  Teresa cackles at Juicy’s joke in poor taste, then he tries to half-assedly apologize to Greg, but Greg is in no mood. 

Caroline tells the camera that Juicy is a shell of the man she met four years ago, he is bitter, angry, and likely has a drinking problem.  Ohh, that is gonna make for some good reunion fodder!  Caroline is trying very hard to keep her feelings under wraps so that Jaime’s wedding is not ruined, but she assures us she is a “ticking bomb.”  Tick…tick…tick…BOOM!