Caroline is reflecting on the Teresa blow out and how she feels she walked into a pile of bullshit. Well she can thank Bravo for that, they clearly scripted that moment when she came sidling up from the bushes. Meanwhile, older Chris Manzo is shooting the breeze with the Boyz II Manzo’s, Sassy Roommate Greg, and Lauren and they discuss the Teresa debacle. Chris hopes Jacs is finally done with Teresa. The whole gang is hurt and now Chris worries about the Napa trip and may un-invite the Guidices, which he should. Christopher, knowing that Bravo mandated, booze fueled, group vacations are what keeps the paychecks flowing, suggests they leave the Napa trip as an open invite and the girls just have to deal with their shit.
Jacs is locked in her bedroom, having a total breakdown. She has no regrets, but is sad the way her friendship with Teresa turned out. Chris explains that when men have problems, they just take a swing at one another and then wrestle (in a non-sexual way of course), women on the other hand are emotional. I myself, am actually not so sure why Jacs is such a wreck over Teresa.
Meanwhile, Teresa is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess discussing the situation with Juicy, the ever compassionate dick wagon. Teresa finds solace in applying way too much lip gloss and running to Dina, Caroline’s estranged sister, to vent about the throwdown. This is screwed up on so many levels, hopefully we will find out what is up with that. I don’t know why Dina would entertain Teresa’s bullshit for a hot second, or Grandma Wrinkles for that matter. Teresa whines to Juicy about Jacs and he bombards her with his oh so helpful Juicy Guidice solutions to every problem: you have me, what else do you need? Fuggedaboudid, whadddayagonnado, screw them, shaaaddddddup, they’re all idiots, dodo birds. He goes on to bitch about having to go to Melissa’s song release party, but he will support her in working things out with “the knucklehead” (a.k.a., Joe) because he’s family, but not Jacs…friends like her come and go. He cuts Teresa off when she tries to continue venting and says “enough, I already told you what to do”. He’s about as supportive as Larry King’s diaper.
Kathy is working in her garden and gets a call from Teresa inviting her to lunch. Kathy is suspicious there are ulterior motives. Hmm…could Teresa have ulterior motives? That’s like saying this woman could be a little tan…
It’s painfully obvious that Teresa has no friends left and she needs to rally some unsuspecting peeps in her corner. They meet at the Garden Café and Teresa goes on about how they used to be like sisters. Teresa rehashes the ambush with Jacs and Caroline and Kathy immediately knows what’s up. Kathy is stupidly optimistic that things are going to get better, she starts showing Teresa some old photos and a little pair of underwear? A little pair of bedazzled underwear that Teresa gave to Victoria when she was a baby. Teresa tells us how she hopes things with Kathy can work out, “You can’t nitpick and be petty on every little thing, then you’re never going to have a family.” Really Teresa? Three words for you… “unattended” and “sprinkle cookies”.
Melissa is putting on makeup so she can call Ryan Seacrest. Yes, a full face of makeup for a phone call, you read that right. There is a fine line between wearing make-up and looking like Crayola gang banged your face. But I digress, Joe is rough housing with Gino and he takes a page out of Milania’s book and gives Joe a pretty good punch in the face with his teeny tiny little fist of fury. Ryan Seacrest’s radio show is debuting the dance version of “On Display”, because lord knows we need yet another version of this auto tuned piece of donkey shit. Ryan’s trusty assistant gives him an intro to Melisa over the phone, as if Seacrest is soooo important. He conducts a brief phone interview with her, which he clearly couldn’t care about less if he tried. As the song plays, Joe and the kids are dancing around and enjoying themselves. There is one cute moment when Antonia gives her dad a kiss and Joe tells her she can’t wear lipstick until she is 21.
Teresa summons the Juice man for a sit down by their pond, but Juicy is preoccupied with the missing koi fish. Teresa points at a nearby heron and says “maybe the stork ate them”. Maybe the Hillbilly Handfishin’ clan came and repoe’d ‘em! Anyhoo…she tells Juicy that she has decided to try therapy with Joe. Juicy tells a story about when he was a kid and had to go to therapy and he had a bad experience with it, hmm wonder why. He seems like he was that kid that blew up squirrels with firecrackers. Teresa decides that she loves Joe and if therapy is needed, she will go. Juicy still tries to shame her out of doing it, but he finally concedes, but not without the final insult. As far as he is concerned, Joe is no longer her brother, but her sister.
Melissa and Joe head out to the “On Display” release party and Melissa is stressed about the negative twatting. She finally gets some positive twats from Caroline and Jacs and decides to ignore the negatives. Meanwhile, Teresa and Juicy revel in the negative twats and the five exclamation points one twatter put after “On Display sucks!!!!!” It’s short lived because Teresa’s attention is focused on her own welfare and how she is going to deal with seeing Jacs and Caroline.
All the peeps arrive to the release party and there are copies of “Boardwalk Journal” with a photo of Melissa and it says “Lady Gorga”. Wow…just wow. Jacs is a bit unsure of herself since Teresa will be there and it is mostly Teresa’s posse. Kathy and Caroline discuss some of the magazine articles and they rehash the ambush. Teresa and Juicy arrive and snub Jacs, Teresa makes a beeline for Joe, because of course this party is the appropriate time to tell him she will go to therapy with him. Joe is happy, he is not sure who “this Teresa” is, but he’ll take it. Guess what Joe, “this Teresa” is still the same two-faced fame-whooah that, in a blink of a false eyelash, will turn to the camera and tell all of America that she hopes the therapist will help YOU see that YOU are the one with the problem! Good luck wit’ dat!
Good ol’ Rosie is hammered out of her Gorga and I love it. We need more of her drunk, sloppy ass. Melissa is introducing her song as Joe showers her with what appear to be fake flowers. Everyone is half-heartedly dancing about and Jacs decides to approach Teresa and ask her where they stand. Ugg…Jacs, have you learned nothing? You decide where you stand, stop letting Teresa dictate how YOU feel. Caroline notes that Jacs is unsettled and that is why she needs to talk to Teresa, but Teresa couldn’t care less. Poor Jacs, will she ever learn?
Jacs admits she cried for two days and Teresa said she cried so hard she thought her brains were going to come out of her head. Hmmm… I think that happened long ago. Now this is where it gets good. Jacs says she is sorry and Teresa gets that table flippin’ look on her face and says “Sorry? Jacqueline, you f*cked up!” Jacs “let’s make up face” turns to angry drunk, deeze bitches about to fight like bobcats in a pillowcase.
The Boyz II Manzo’s actually deliver a humorous impression of Teresa and Jacs. But let’s get back to the real idiots of New Jersey…Teresa puts Jacs in the category of the fight she had with Joe at the christening. Jacs tells her she can’t flip the script on her and Teresa tells us that she should have punched Jacs in the face. C’mon Tre, that ain’t your style, you flip tables. But of course, it’s a perfect segue for Teresa to bring up the fact that Jacs punched Caroline in the face way back when. Can someone get this stupid bitch a plunger? She loves to bring up old shit. Over at the bar, Chris and Juicy start talking about the situation Chris explains that the beef is about Teresa bringing Danielle back into the picture. After all, just when we thought we were rid of her, she prostitution whooahs her way back on to the scene.
Joe and Caroline rehash the fight and Caroline hopes that with her out of the way, maybe Joe and Teresa can fix things. Joe realizes that the fight with Caroline and Jacs is what pushed Teresa his way, but he is as desperate as a stripper that works the lunch buffet crowd on Tuesdays and sometimes gets to take the leftover tater tots home, he’ll take what he can get.
Melissa intervenes into the Tre/Jacs debacle because they are yelling and everyone can hear them. Teresa brings up the Danielle thing again, Melissa was talking to her two years ago, blah blah blah. Jacs is over it, slams her drink, says “F*ck you”, and walks away. Melissa and Teresa continue to rehash the two-year old Danielle crap. At least Melissa is honest and she admits at the time she did tell Danielle things, she was in a bad place and she hated Teresa.
Kathy’s friend Heather, who is clearly vying to be cast as a real housewife, calls Jacs up to the bar to do a shot, which is a fabulous idea. Heather plies Jacks with her platitudes and some tequila, “stop taking on everyone’s problems, you’re not a goddamned psychiatrist!” True dat! Heather and Jacs take a shot and Heather teaches her to just say “F*ck it!”. I hope they leave the party and go get matching “F*ck It!” ass tattoos. Even though Heather is gacked to the nines, she has a valid point. Maybe she can be Joe and Teresa’s therapist.
Drunken Rosie is chattin it up with Juicy and has a solid plan to “get back to basics”, she loves everybody and starts giving kisses. Teresa can’t believe how the tables have turned and now she is besties with Kathy and Melissa and feuding with Caroline and Jacs. Melissa is trying to be optimistic about Teresa’s change of heart, but deep down we all know, this too shall pass. F*ck it!