Queenage Dream

First we must note  that JHO is dressed like C3PO and she has MC Hammer pants.  These are the same pants she had on last year when she performed.  I sure hope another performance is not in store for tonight, it’s more than my little heart can take.

I also understand that OHRS was extremely ill the night of this show, but what a trooper.  I bet that damn Brian Dunkleman released germs into Ryan’s hyperbaric chamber, hoping to get his “gig” back.  It’s Queen tribute night and we are treated to a flashback retrospective of the band, Freddie Mercury’s unitards, his unique singing voice, his guyliner, and his commanding stage prowess.

Brian May and Roger Taylor sit down with the idols to discuss how they can pull these songs off.  I love that no matter how wiry and grey Brian May’s hair has gotten, he has not surrendered his rock and roll mullet.

They start the show with a medley performed by the top six.  They muddle through it all, but the real star of the medley is Brian May with his guitar solo.  DAWG gives them a Wayne’s World style “we’re not worthy” bow.

First performance will be a Queen song and the second performance is contestant choice.  BB Chez is up first, taking on “Bohemian Rhapsody”, tough song for even the most talented singers.  I am not sure how to address the special effects here, she is in black and white and the background singing faces are all of BB Chez, creepy at best.

She breaks out into the rock part, she is in full color, she does the fandango, the tempo changes quickly, then it slows down.  There is no good way to sing the song in 90 seconds without hacking up the arrangement, which made it sound completely disjointed.  Throwaway performance.  Let’s see what our panel of esteemed judges thinks…Steven thinks rock is not her forte, but she was good.  JHO said she sounded beautiful, but the rock part was not there.  DAWG noted that she didn’t sing any runs, but he thought it was great and told her to channel some Tina Turner.

For her second performance, she chooses “Dance With My Father”.  It’s a typical Jessica performance, but she added the wind machine.  JHO starts the judging by saying it’s the best version of that song she has heard on the show.  Steven says she can’t ever sing bad, it’s a “joy, pleasure, and an honor” to watch her.  DAWG loved it too and can’t find a thing wrong with it.

Skylar will sing “The Show Must Go On”.  She actually did a really good job with it, Steven called it “over the top”, JHO got goosies and thought it was powerful and great, DAWG called it “incredible” and one of her best performances to date.  He brings back his phrase “she’s gotta have it!”

Her second performance is “Tatoos on This Town”, it’s in her “wheelhouse” and she sounds good.  DAWG is a “ginourmous fan” and thought it was great, JHO wants her to keep “wowing”, and Steven gives it a “ditto”, but said he missed some of the “flair”.

Mantasia takes on “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”, he puts a bit of a big band, throwback vibe on it, of course he gets a standing O from the judges, but JHO is a little slow on the take.  The bucket of concrete in her hammer pants must be weighing her down.  DAWG gives him “four checks” for all areas of his performance and calls him a “Sam Cooke, Wilson Pickett young dude in the making”.  JHO looks forward to his performance because they surprise her and are always inspiring.  Steven says he sounds like nobody else and says Freddie would have loved it.  OHRS notes that the security guards were even dancing.

His second performance is “Ready For Love”.  Again, a standing O from the judges and a flawless performance.  Steven actually turns around and encourages the audience to scream more.  DAWG is speechless and calls it “unbelievable, crazy good”.  JHO is also speechless and calls it “transcendent”, Steven says it takes him to another place and says he can “smell the finish line”.  Wonder what that smells like, pennies and feet?

Elise sings “I Want it All”.  JHO is rockin’ out, but Elise looks a bit somber after her performance.  Steven enjoyed it “over the top”, JHO thought she was in her element, DAWG thought it was unbelievable and the song was so right for her, one of her best.  Elise says this was really her “wheelhouse”.  There is that damn word again.

Her second song is “Bold as Love”, she has an interesting scarf thingie that is attached to her ring and the back of her dress.  She does a half-singing, half-talking performance, it’s not great and I’m guessing she will be on the stools of death.  The judges have an interesting reaction, Steven doesn’t even applaud.  He liked the Jimmy Hendrix song, but she has to do songs that people know… “you can’t pick the cherries with your back to the tree”.  Elise is stunned, she thought everyone knew the song.  JHO didn’t care because she thought Elise “slayed that song”, DAWG is a fan of her and Hendrix, but it wasn’t right and he did not love it.  JHO keeps saying “NO, NO, NO” as OHRS creeps on to the stage to wrap up this insanity.

Dave Matthews is up next with “Fat Bottomed Girls”.  I am not sure this was the best song for him, but it’s definitely different than his usual style.  Steven launches into a “bigger the cushion…”, but he stops himself, then JHO takes offense that he is looking at her.  He loved it and so did JHO.  She was glad to see a different side of him that didn’t remind everyone of Dave Matthews.  DAWG is being “really honest” and said he didn’t love it, but it was good.

Determined to remind everyone that he is exactly like Dave Matthews, Phillip selects an obscure Dave Matthews song, “The Stone”.  He delivers a way too literal version and the judges don’t look thrilled.  Steven thought it was entertaining and off the wall, he loved the female fiddler, of course he did.  JHO thought it was too obscure and artsy, she tells him there will be a time and place for that.  DAWG disagrees somewhat and likes his artist side.  It spoke to him “a hundred million percent”.  OHRS embarrasses his girlfriend, saying she sighed, blushed, and said “yummy” when she saw Phillip backstage.  They cut to a shot of Julianne Hough laughing and she has no clue she is on camera.  When she figures it out, she dives behind some equipment with her ginourmous purse.  It must be what she carries around OHRS in.

Hollie is singing “Save Me”, which is an emotional ballad, I am not sure she is pulling it off.  Her robotic Celine Dion ways just aren’t cuttin’ it.  If you ever hear the original song, Freddie conveys this feeling of just being absolutely broken.  Little Hollie is too young and inexperienced to connect to the song.  Just my humble opinion…Steven thought she did a good job, JHO struggles to find her words, but doesn’t feel she connected or enjoyed it.  She does give Hollie some good constructive criticism about performing.  DAWG didn’t feel she had a “moment” with the song.

Her second attempt is “The Climb”, it will chronicle her climb over to the stools of death.  I think Hollie and Elise may be in trouble this week.  She actually redeems herself on this one and she receives a standing O.  DAWG says “Hollie is back!”, JHO thought she really stepped it up, and Steven thought she sang it like it was “going outta style.”

Time for results where “another one bites the dust”.  First to face their fate is BB Chez and Elise.  Jimmy felt the “Bohemian Rhapsody” was a mistake and the creepy faces of Jessica in the background scared him too.  Glad I wasn’t the only one.  He felt her second performance was much better and she understood her audience.  Jimmy also thought Elise made bad choices, he felt like he was “in a nightclub somewhere in the back of beyond”.  That’s where Elise was performing before she auditioned for the show.  It was a “double down” on bad choices of the night.  OHRS announces Jessica is in the top three and he sends Elise to the stools of death.

OHRS has Casey Abrams on hand when he returns and Casey is sporting a full on frizzed out do.  Stefano is back to perform and it’s almost like something I wish I could un-see.  It’s beyond cheezie, he really belongs in a boy band or on a Carnival cruise ship.

Hollie and Mantasia are up next and Jimmy comments that Hollie may have chosen “Save Me” as a subconscious plea to the audience.  She redeemed herself with the second song.  Jimmy was impressed with Joshua and sees him making it to the final.  Hollie is sent to join Elise and Joshua goes to safety.

Sidebar:  I never thought I would see the day where Steven Tyler was hawking Burger King.  Wow…just…wow, it is the end of civilization as we know it.

Another quick sidebar on the Katy Perry performance:  The performance was military themed with nigh vision camera work, good shout out to BB Chez’ dad who is shipping out the next day.  Also, Katy Perry can’t sing live, she sounded terrible without auto tune.  Although, we have to give her props for not lip-synching.

Next up are Skylar and Dave Matthews.  Jimmy thought Skylar did a good job and was confident, but he felt the second song was indulgent.  Jimmy revealed that Phillip has also not been feeling well and it’s taking a toll on him.  He felt that the Dave Matthews song choice was a mistake, but he enjoyed seeing the judges disagree so he didn’t fall asleep.  OHRS sends Skylar to the final stool of death and Phillip goes to the couches.  He summons Hollie and Elise back up and sends Skylar back to safety.  The lights dim and Elise bites the dust.  Hollie gets one more chance, but my guess is it will be short lived.  Elise looks a bit shocked, but she actually got to do some pretty cool stuff throughout her journey and OHRS reminds her that Stevie Nicks wanted to hire her.  She sings us out with her Led Zepplin song and JHO rocks it out with full on stank face.

Mixed feelings, while I knew she wouldn’t win, I really thought Hollie had hit the end of the road.  See y’all next week, when that will likely happen.

Not So Shore

We have closed the Atlanta chapter for now, but as they say, when one door of crazy closes, another bat-shit crazy one opens and boy OH boy, it certainly has.  The Real Housewives of New Jersey season premiere begins with some quick shots of the drama highlights.  Who could forget, the Christening brawl, “you pushed me away”…“you gave me no choice”, “you put the wedge in”, the forbidden word “detaching”, “coo-coo, coo-coo”, “You know I’m gonna have a drink on a Saturday night”, “ingredientces like cumin”, “you don’t appreciate a god-damned thing”, “Asslee is gonna stay!”, On Display, On Display, On Display!, Italian as the Olive Garden.  My head spins, without further ado, let’s make some new memories!

We start out at the tail end of the last reunion show where it was revealed that Jacqueline could not attend the reunion because she couldn’t look at Teresa.  Not that it requires an explanation, but why oh why would Jacqueline and Teresa be feuding.  This season promises to explain, let’s flashback to four months earlier…most of the gang is gathered together at the Wakile’s for a pool party and a hit o’ da’ Hookah pipe.  Brass Knuckle Rosie is serving up drinks while the Wakile kids lurk in the corners waiting for the adults to get sloppy.  Richie is stirring the pot asking Joe Gorga if he knows what Teresa wrote about him in her cook book, but little Joe doesn’t want to “re-hatch” their problems.  Oh I love thee…Joe Gorga, you are comedy gold.  They discuss how childish it is and Richie says “I think we should burn the bitch on a stake”.  That should get the ball rolling in the right direction.  Joe thinks it’s a matter of misery loves company and Brass Knuckle Rosie says that if someone came after her family, she would go into attack mode and “rip your heart out and eat it.”  How’s that for a damn cookbook!  Yeah, Rosie is a good time.

The Manzo’s and the Laurita’s are having a get together and have invited Teresa and Juicy, but Caroline has not seen her since the cook book came out.  They debate about confronting her, the Boyz II Manzo’s joke about how they are too full to eat because they just came from the Olive Garden.  Teresa arrives and takes Caroline aside to explain that what she wrote in the cook book was all in good fun and she was joking.  “If you really read it good, I didn’t insult you”.  Then she turns it around and tells Caroline how hurt she is that they took it the wrong way.  Caroline finds it screwed up because she stood by Teresa during her difficult times and this is what she gets.  Well Caroline is nobody’s fool, but she handles it calmly and cool as a whistle, to use a Teresa phrase.  Teresa says she stands behind what she wrote in her book 110%.  Teresa got that from Lou Ferigno while she worked with him on the Celebrity Apprentice.  But the “Incredible Hulk Mind Trick” isn’t going to fly here!  She presents Caroline with her own personal copy of the very cookbook where she bashes Caroline and her sons.  Teresa tells Caroline she loves her, but Caroline noticeably does not return the favor.  Well played, Caroline, well played.

Joe Gorga is assisting his son, Gino, with potty training and teaching him how to wiggle and keep his nut sack off the toilet rim.  Melissa is packing in the closet and they prepare to go to their Jersey Shore house.  He finds some “adult toys” and takes them out in front of Gino.  Melissa convinces him they are “cat toys”.  Wildly appropriate!

Meanwhile at the Wakile’s, Richie packs some “enhancement gel” in his travel bag and Kathy yells at him repeatedly to “stick it deep in the back, stick it deep”.  OY VEY.  They too, are headed to the Jersey Shore and she is ready for the leopard print, ripped bodies, and coconuts?  I didn’t know there were coconut trees at the shore.  Maybe she meant coo-coo-nuts, because that will definitely be there.

The Giudice’s are packing up the family as well and Milania is proving to be her usual self, a handful and quite hilarious.  She calls her older sister a “stupid whore”.  Juicy Joe is in the back feeding the wolves dogs, and for some reason in the back of their house they have several tents full o’ shit. 

Joe is tying up a tarp full o’ shit that he pulled out of the tent full o’ shit and he throws it on top of the car and little Milania is amazed “you’re like a dragon”.  Still doesn’t compare to last season when she said “give me pizza, you old troll!”  Classic Milania.

Asslee cannot figure out the vacuum at the Laurita house, but who the hell cares, Life Coach Jack Bradshaw is here!  Apparently, he is Jacqueline’s life coach and they sit down to talk about her and Asslee.  Jack looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys.  Jacqueline expresses her frustration over Aslee and her inability to do anything.  During this heartfelt life coach sesh…we cut away to Aslee still trying to figure out the vacuum cleaner.  Sidebar:  Asslee has modified her look, changed the spelling of her name, and she is platinum blonde with duck lips.  In case you missed it…

Joe and Melissa have a closet conversation and Joe reveals that Teresa said “if a richer guy came along, your wife would leave you.”  Melissa is stunned, shocked, appalled, and a bit pissed that he even told her.  She wants to “make pretend” he did not tell her.  She decides to let it go and Joe walks away aggravated.

Within the confines of the Giudice car, Teresa yammers on about her book signings, little tyrant Milania yells “whatever, whatever, I don’t care!”  Can I get an AMEN?  Teresa asks Juicy Joe who he was with the night before, he rattles off “a girl, whatever, another girl, whatever, I forget their names.”  No Juicy, you never knew their names…you just left the money on the nightstand.  Gia gets upset and questions him about being with ladies.  Gia is old enough to know what is going on and she sees all the tabloids reporting that Juicy Joe is cheating.  This is actually sad, and just wrong.  The poor girl is being damaged for life on national television.

Caroline goes to see her doctor to discuss her migraines.  She has terrible symptoms, she’s impatient and her mind is racing.  She wants to believe it’s stress related, but he drops the bomb that it’s menopause.  If that wasn’t bad enough, he follows it up with the coup de grâce, “you’re getting old”.

The Giudice’s arrive at their shore house and Juicy starts tearing apart the hot ass mess o’ shit he had on top of the car.  Milania starts screaming because she saw a rat inside of the tarp.  Everything is completely chewed up and torn apart.  I don’t know what he expected when he stores shit in tents in the back yard.  Durr!  Juicy Joe, not the brightest candle on the cake!

The Gorga’s arrive at their modest shore house and Melissa is shocked to find that Joe has not finished the house and it’s completely under construction.  Joe brags about the sound proof insulation he blew in so they can have “Gorgasms” and the kids will be none the wiser.  The thing is a total wreck, Joe takes them out by the pool and the water is green.  The girls want to go swimming and Melissa screams “No, they’ll get impentago”.  That is not a spelling error, that is what she said im-pen-tay-go.  Joe just sealed his fate, Melissa is not going to having any good times here for the weekend.  Looks like it will be a one-man job, Joe.

Juicy Joe is lifting some 8 lb. dumbbells in the bedroom and let me tell ya’, his pain is our gain.  This is some funny shit, thank you “Television Without Pity” for this line:  “He looks like the Mucinex slug.”  Priceless, and oh so true!

Teresa comes in to talk to him about the issues in the tabloids about Joe going to jail and how to address it with the kids.  He’s about as receptive as a brick wall and tells her “it’s the life you chose”.  He keeps dismissing her and she says she supports him…whoa…time out…there is not enough support on the Jersey shore for those moobs.

The Wakile’s and Gorga’s are enjoying their dinner and discussing the tabloid stories, Juicy Joe is likely going to jail for trying to obtain a license with false information and Teresa keeps appearing in magazine articles.  Joe stands firm that he will be there for her and the kids no matter what “cuttin’ a check.”  He brings up the thing Teresa said about Melissa being a money grubbing whore and Brass Knuckle Rosie won’t have it.  Rosie says “she royally screwed up and she should have married somebody more like you [Joe].”  Rosie knows she is not a threat to Teresa because she is chubby, has short hair, and lives with her mother.  The gang gets a good laugh, so glad to see Rosie with more of a speaking role this season.

Jacqueline, Caroline, and Lauren all go for an afternoon stroll and sip BLK water, which the Boyz II Manzos were shilling last season.  Jacqueline says that Caroline won’t hear excuses, but the Giudice Mind Trick does work on Jacqueline.  They change the subject to Asslee and Jacqueline says that she and Chris are at the end of their rope.  Jacqueline feels like an old woman because the nearby construction workers won’t even holler at her.

The rest of the gang is at the Jersey Shore beach and the kids are all having a good time because they have not become bitter and tainted adults.  Richie suggests that Joe reach out to Teresa to let her know that he’s there for her when if Juicy goes to jail.  Joe tries to have the conversation with her, but we don’t talk about these things on Planet Denial.  He is trying to reach out, say he’ll be there, and she goes on the defense immediately.  Oh lordy, forget about the Giudice Mind Trick, it’s the Giudice Back Peddle.  She is a master.  Joe calls her out about the “Melissa would leave you for a richer guy comment” and she claims she heard it as a rumor and tries to turn it back on Joe.  She claimed Joe repeated the “Juicy cheating rumor” to her.  Joe swears on his “friggin’ kids, they will die today”, that he did not say it.  He is trying to put the past behind them and move on and they take Adriana down to the beach and she won’t hold Joe’s hand because she doesn’t know him.  Wah wah…

Meanwhile, back at the Laurita’s, Chris calls Asslee down for a talk about kicking her out.  He says that he feels like he’s talking to a stuffed clown animal and her Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary have agreed to take her in.  She has go to Vegas and leave tomorrow, because that is the perfect city for a young bleach blonde girl named Asslee with lips of a bass fish to get her head out of her ass and find a direction in life.  Hello pole…meet Asslee.  She immediately flips out because, well she has plans with friends!  Chris tells her she has plans with a pole.  Either go to Vegas to her Aunt and Uncle’s or she’s in a van down by the river.  Maybe she can put a stripper pole in the van, maybe she can hide out in Juicy Joe’s back yard tents, or maybe she will go to Vegas and find her true calling.  She agrees to go, but I am not so shore it will be that easy.

You Don’t Know Shi!t About My DO!

We pick up right where we left off with the final part three of the reunion, which did not disappoint.  The insults were hurled through the air with blatant disregard for direction like a drunken shot-putter.  Let’s begin:

Mystery Date:  Is she a mistress or a whore?  Kim tries to defend her relationship with Big Papa and she maintains that he was legally married, but going through a divorce, much like Miss Nene.  Cynthia decides this is her moment and she goes ballistic on Kim.  “Cynthia is so big and bad, Cynthia’s got a backbone!”, Kim shouts along with a little dance in her seat, while Cynthia continues to scream like a cat on a waffle iron.

Sugar Mama:  Kandi says that she thought Marlo’s comment about Kandi taking care of men was humorous because she admits she is way too cheap to do that.  They get into it and Marlo incites ugly Kandi.  She goes off and shuts Marlo down like a tilt-o-whirl with missing parts, “YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT MY DO!” 

Nene jumps in to try and calm Marlo down and OHAC notes that Nene has been a peace maker when it comes to Marlo.  She says Marlo is like her little sister, a “Baby Nene” of sorts.  Kandi sums up the segment by saying “I don’t give a damn, if I wanted to take care of every motherf*ucker in here…I COULD!”  Damn strait…’nuff said.

Out of Africa:  We revisit the bat shit crazy fight between Marlo and She by Shereé.  OHAC asks what the fight was about and Marlo brings up the lack of invitation to the dinner party that She by Shereé’s friend was hosting.  She by Shereé explains that it was a planned sit-down dinner party and Marlo cannot believe that She by Shereé’s gay man-friend would object to the fabulous Marlo attending the party, “he would have pulled up a seat for me!”  Yes Marlo, right after you told She by Shereé to go hang out with her mo-fo-ing f*ggots!

She by Memory Lane:  We take a trip down memory lane to revisit She by Shereé’s deplorable behavior and we are treated to the infamous “wig-snatch” attempt she made on Kim early in her housewives career. 

And who could forget screaming at the party planner “who gon’ check me, Boo?”  “Eat me darlin’!”  Screaming at Nene in a restaurant “you better get your mo-fo-ing teeth fixed…wasn’t your car repoed?  Repoed at the Home Depot?”  And then there’s the Marlo fight, who could forget these two going at it like two feral cats in a pillowcase?  OHAC questions She by Shereé about that fight in particular and she admits that she has no memory of the fight with Marlo because she gets black-out angry.  Sounds like Drita from Mob Wives, she claims the same thing, she blacks out while she’s pummeling a bitch on the bar room floor.  Well She by Shereé, since you have left the show…we bid you adieu and thanks for the memories!

Freaky Friday:  OHAC discusses how it seems like Kim and Nene have swapped places.  Nene used to be happily married while Kim was dating Big Papa and now Kim is the settled married woman and Nene is a free agent accepting lavish gifts from her new Big Papa John the greezy pizza dude.  OHAC tries to hint around that Nene should feel a bit uncomfortable accepting the gifts from John, but Nene doesn’t see the problem with it.  In the next breath, she agrees that it has made her uncomfortable.  But hey…what’s a little uncomfortable moment in exchange for a new Rolex?  OHAC asks Nene how much “contact, contact” they have, Nene pleads a deft fifth.

Everything Happens for a Reason:  Nene discusses how she had been an actress well before the show and she was responsible for bringing Kim and She by Shereé to the show.  Nene reveals that she went to bat for She by Shereé because the producers thought she was boring.  She by Shereé maintains that she got season one “jumped off”.  She by Shereé and Nene argue a bit more, but Kim expresses that she is very grateful to Nene for thinking of her for the show and without it, she never would have met Kroy and had KJ.  We wind it up with a Kumbaya “everything happens for a reason”.

We conclude with OHAC gifting the girls some respective tee shirts that say “I’m a TALL” or “I’m a SMALL”.  Kim says “I’m not that small” and we see OHAC drooling over her breasts just hankerin’ for an invitation to motorboat.

Overall, it was a ho-hum season, it ain’t the same without the adventures of Kim and Nene, but these two do not appear to be on the road to repairing their friendship.  And with that we will migrate for the season to the housewives who are headed to the Jersey Shore…


Part two of the reunion promises to be a real doozy as Miss “Bitch Better Check My Charges” Marlo will make an appearance.  OHAC is on hand to referee the proceedings, but at this point he is about as noticeable as the wallpaper as the ladies blow open the box-o’-crazy.  Let’s hit the high points:

Cynthia’s Marriage:  We revisit Cynthia’s strained relationship with sister Malorie and it would appear the sisters are headed for divorce.  Peter joins the fun to discuss the issues and tries to pretend that his constant tormenting of Malorie is not mean spirited, but he is just “having fun with it”.  Nene weighs in and she believes Mal has crossed the line and Nene supports Peter and Cynthia’s marriage.  She can’t leave well enough alone without making it about her so she derails the conversation to focus on what the other ladies were allegedly saying about Nene and Peter flirting.  She starts up with the smalls and it goes off the rails like a crazy train.  OHAC jumps in and changes the subject.  He asks Peter what he thought about Phaedra calling him “Papa Smurf” and he thought it was “funny as hell.”  At this point, Nene should probably move on from the show and she may as well take Peter and Cynthia with her.

Strong Silent Types:  Apollo and Kroy have joined the mix and Kroy has his hair combed over like a little Dutch boy.  Kroy and Apollo don’t have much to say, they are men of few words.  They chat about this and that, but it’s a lot of talk about nothing.  OHAC asks Kroy if he watched the show or knew anything about Kim before he met her and he said he did not watch or Google Kim because he wanted a “fresh plate”.  A fresh plate o’ crazy, that is.  Kim does reveal one juicy nugget, on her new show “Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding”, we will get to see Kim’s real hair.  Now if OHAC is done exploiting these two men, they would like to go back to watching paint dry.







Make no mistake…these two gents are as calm and cool as a whistle!  Hehe!

Black Baby Gate:  Kandi’s got a whole new gripe with Kim because she was offended by the fact that Kim compared watching Riley for a week to holding a baby at an orphanage.  Ha!  Take that Miss Kim, you’re not the only one who can get it twisted and flip your wig.  Kandi said that watching the “black baby” conversation between Kim and her decorator Kendra made her want to jump through the TV.  They discuss it more and She by Shereé actually apologizes for mis-con-screwing Kandi’s words.  She should have just kept her flapper shut in the first place.  While she apologizes, it wouldn’t be complete without a She by Shereé back pedal because of course she only told Kim all of this garbage about the non-existent “black baby” comment it up to protect her dear friend Kim.  She wanted Kim to know what was said about her, but bitch, it was NEVER EVEN SAID.  I have never seen a woman manipulate logic, reason, and consistency with more skill and aplomb than She by Shereé.  I am so glad she was shit-canned from the show.

Don’t let the door hit ya’ where the good Lord split ya’!

OHAC asks Nene her opinion on the “Black Baby Gate” and we arrive at a consensus that Kim doesn’t like to fly and she had the new baby.  So no, Kim would not have ultimately gone on the Africa trip, new baby, no baby, or black baby.

Pimp my Funeral:  Phaedra is in mortuary science school and she is well on her way to putting the boom in the tomb.  Phaedra discusses why she got interested in the business and Nene rolls her eyes for the 10th time because the attention is not on her.

When she walks in the room she almost owns it:  Bitch better check my charges.  Marlo arrives with her felony weave and she gets into it with Kim right out of the crazy box. 

Marlo gripes about Kim of saying Marlo uses her hole to make money.  It’s a hole lotta drama when Marlo’s response is to call Kim a whore.  Of course this would erupt when there are only three minutes left in the show!  Marlo brings up Kim and Big Papa, Kim calls Marlo an escort, and then Marlo fires back saying Kim traded in the ring from Big Papa to get the new one because Kroy couldn’t afford it.  Kim says “You’re sadly motherf*ckin’ mistaken!”

Part three promises more fighting with Marlo and her felony weave, and it looks like she is going to tangle with Kandi.

You Gotta Get Low to Get High

It’s the top seven tonight performing some current songs from today and some older soul songs of yesteryear.  The judges enter and JHO has taken quite a few liberties with her dress tonight.  It’s spray painted on and there are some crazy side cut outs that show off her marvelous abs, but if anyone can pull that off, she can.  I can usually spot an Herve Leger when I see it, but I am not sure who designed this.  I am sure it will be all over “The Fashion Police” this Friday night.

OHRS kicks off the night by acknowledging the passing of Dick Clark.  But OHRS knows Dick would want the show to go on, so without further ado we proceed to the festivities.  Each contestant is doing two songs and little Hollie is kicking it off with “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele.  Oy vey…why is everyone singing this song?  Jimmy is working with Hollie on her nerves, and the judges seem happy, Steven said she finally came out of her shell and she was perfect, JHO is thrilled, and DAWG said it was close to perfect, a bit pitchy, but she has finally “arrived”.

Her second performance of the evening was “Son of a Preacher Man”.  DAWG said she “dug in” and said she “worked it out”.  JHO liked the performance better than the first and said she is showing a new composure.  Steven says she has the vehicle, but thinks she can push it even more.  DAWG cries out “drive the car!”

Colton is next and OHRS brings up his sister Schyler, who Colton completely upstaged during the auditions, but she is fully supportive of him.  Never mind the Colton voodoo doll in her purse.  He is tackling “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga.  Jimmy’s advice is to “look at the camera, when you look at the camera, they vote”.  If he’s referring to Colton’s rock star wannabe dead in the eyes stare, well Colton has that down pat.  He has also added a splashy red patch to his hair this week.  I am not a big Colton fan, but the judges sure seem to love him.  DAWG said he was “so in the zone”, JHO loved, and Steven said he needed “to get low to get high”, err?  “when you’re trying to get to the other shore, you gotta lose sight of this one”, etc.  Steven’s got his can o’ clichés out tonight.  Colton tells OHRS that he plans on “expanding his box every week, so I can include everyone in on the party.”  Sorry…no thanks.

His song for round two was “September” and he will give us his “signature stare”.  Steven dives on it and says that his voice is too powerful for the song, JHO agrees and said it didn’t come together, DAWG said it sounded good, but not too exciting.

Jimmy says Elise has a vacation home in the bottom three.  She is going to sing “No One” by Alicia Keys.  She’s got the wind machine on her side and for some reason she keeps squatting down while she sings.  She really should stand upright in her tangerine dream dress.

JHO got her first “goosies” of the night.  No JHO that is just a chill you got from wearing those massive cut outs in your dress.  Can the Fox Intern get JHO a Slanket?  Steven says that he loves her a lot and she sang her “little tushie off”.  DAWG thought she did great and appreciated that she stayed with the melody, which showed a great lesson in restraint.  OHRS grills her about her emotional rehearsal and she reveals that she found out that her dog is sick and may not make it.  Way to garner the sympathy vote.

For round two, Elise tries to get it on with “Let’s Get it On”.  She starts out on the Jimmy Iovine make-out chaise and delivers a typical Elise performance, slow-paced and in her hunched over stance.  The judges don’t look too pleased, JHO starts out and says she has a hard time critiquing her and wants to see more emotion.  Steven thought it showed versatility and broke a few more hearts, but take it up a notch.  JHO says it’s like “when you sang ‘Somebody to Love’ by Zepplin”…uh…JHO, that was “Whole Lotta Love” by Zepplin.  Not “Somebody to Love” by Queen.  Get it straight glamour girl.  DAWG felt she oversang it and he makes an error too and says when “Al Green sang that song”, but he corrects himself.  Elise over thinks her over thinking and she is having a hard time baring her soul in a minute and a half.  She gives OHRS a hug, which I have not noticed her do before.

Dave Matthews is singing “You Got It Bad” by Usher.  Should be interesting, Jimmy thinks he may pick up some new fans.  I actually enjoyed his performance, he did a great job…could it be a standing O?  YES indeedie, a standing O from the judges and I am sure Steven is thrilled to see the blonde saxophone player again.  Steven says he feels like a “chump”, he never knows what he’s going to get.  JHO jumps in and calls it “so sexy” and loved his versatility, DAWG (in his snazziest lilac jacket) calls him a “true artist” and he is original.  He is Phil Phillips and he is “Da’ BOMB!”

“The Midnight Hour” is Phil’s second take and he really seems to be shining tonight.  DAWG loves it and says “exactly what you need, is always what you have”.  JHO wants to get up and dance with him and Steven calls him “brilliantly awkward.”

BB Chez is up next to show us what she’s got, other than a second chance.  Jimmy needs her to figure out where she disconnected with the audience.  She will sing “Fallin” by Alicia Keys.  She starts strong in her “I Dream of Genie” outfit and the whirling red umbrellas in the air are helping too.  She actually stands just fine on her own, no doubt the girl can sing.  The crowd goes WILD and Steven can’t even get his critique out.  He says she has the right to “get mad at that song”, JHO saw her vulnerability and said she played with the song like juggling ballz, err?  DAWG echoes and gives an AMEN for using the save and calls her talent “other worldly”.  DAWG then gives us his own medley with something like “Yo Alicia [Keys], holla at the DAWG man, the girl blew the box out of the song yo!”  OHRS asks her what she was thinking last week when JHO wrestled her to the ground and grabbed the mic.  Jessica thought she was going home, but she couldn’t have been more wrong.  What a ratings stunt that was.

Jessica also wants us to “Try a Little Tenderness”, although her voice was a bit more “Benson and Hedges” than tender.  Judges loved it, well, because they love Jessica.  Steven likes the fact that she’s “steppin’ out”, JHO felt BB Chez coming out, but she needs to start pushing so the audience can connect with her.  DAWG agreed with them “absolutely the correct”, she needs to connect with the emotion and the lyric.

Skylar is up next and Jimmy wants her to take it a step further.  She is doing the country version of “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga.  She does a good job and JHO is psyched, she loves her version and calls Skylar a “fighter”, Steven says she is giving the other girls a run for their money, DAWG also likes her crossover appeal and calls her “amazing, dude”.

Her second song is a Marvin Gaye classic “Heard it Through the Grapevine”, she puts her own country flair on it.  DAWG notes that she and Phillip have no problem connecting with the audience.  He calls it the “Skylar Laine Rock and Roll Country Party”.  JHO loves her spunkiness and Steven calls her “a wild horse that refuses to be tamed.”

“I Believe” by Fantasia will be sung by Mantasia.  Jimmy grills him about why he was in the bottom three and tells him to dig deep and sing his butt off.  He’s dressed like a straight up pimp and he delivers a standard Josh performance.  He gets the standard standing O and DAWG calls him one of the most gifted singers ever on the show.  He sees the mark of true growth by Josh’s restraint.  JHO said he leaves it all on the stage and she feels blessed to get to watch him.  Steven says he could sing the phone book, he is so good there’s just nothing to say anymore.  OHRS starts prompting Josh and asks him if singing Fantasia’s victory song was “foreshadowing” of his own victory and Josh awkwardly doesn’t answer him.  That’s the one thing Josh struggles with and if he wins, I am not sure how he will handle all the questions and attention.  Someone get this kid some media training, STAT.

Mantasia goes for round two with “A Change is Gonna Come”.  As always, love him and of course he gets a “slow on the take” standing O.  I think the judges have stood up so many times for him, they forget to.  Steven liked his restraint in the beginning and it really made it pop.  JHO says she still wants more and begs America to vote for him.  DAWG said the song was perfect and liked the way he let it “marinate”.  Joshua cops to staring at JHO’s abs the whole time he was singing.

Time for results…OHRS emerges from his hyperbaric chamber and descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  We start the night with an excruciatingly cheezy group number of “Dancin’ in the Street”.  Thank goodness for DVR and fast forward.

Besties, Mantasia and Hollie are up first.  Jimmy commented that Josh stayed in his “sweet spot” and Hollie also came out of her shell, but does predict that Hollie may be in the bottom three.  OHRS discusses how Josh almost didn’t come to Hollywood because he was afraid to fly, could it be “foreshadowing” again?  It seems like there is always some “twist of fate” story with some of our past winners.  They try out on a fluke or didn’t even intend to audition.  At any rate, Josh is safe and little Hollie is sent to the stools of death.

Skylar and Elise are called center stage and Jimmy felt Skylar delivered, but Elise fell flat.  He predicts Elise will return to her vacation home in the bottom three.  OHRS discusses how hard the judges are on Elise and she gets a moment to vent before he sends her to the stools of death, but not without another hug first.  Skylar is sent to safety.  OHRS seems to like Elise, she is the only one he hugs.  Maybe because they are close in hyperbaric age.

Dave Matthews, Colton, and BB Chez are called up.  We are treated to some back stage footage of Phillip’s reaction to JHO thinking he is sexy.  He says “hey what’s your number, does your daddy let you date?”  With JHO it’s more like “does your son let you date?”  No, Phillip, Casper the friendly ghost does not let JHO date.  Jimmy comments about Jessica singing songs that are too old for her and that could be why the audience is not connecting.  He thought Phillip and Colton came out on opposite sides.  Jessica is sent to safety along with Phillip and Colton is not safe.  He brings up Hollie and Elise and we have the bottom three.  OHRS takes Elise’s hand and walks her towards the stools of death in another lame fake out.  Annnnd…she gets another hug from OHRS and she is safe!  He is such a germophobe and he doesn’t touch anybody, this is amazing.  OHRS announces that Hollie is safe and the one going home is COLTON.

Yes, really.

I can’t say that I’m surprised or disappointed, I was not a big fan of his.  His performance last night was not great and I find him to be too big for his skinny rocker jeans.  Colton takes a moment to apologize to the audience because he was not himself last night and when he makes a record he will take the judges advice.  In a completely histrionic Colton moment, he gets on his knees to sing his last song on the Idol stage.  He is what Simon Cowell would call “highly affected.”

Never Land

Part one of the three part Atlanta reunion begins and OHAC (Our Host Andy Cohen) dives right in by admiring Kim’s wig and ring, he asks She by Shereé if she is wearing She by Shereé, but we all know that is impossible since her clothing line does not exist, much like Chateau by Shereé.  More on that later…Phaedra is looking “donktacular”, Nene is feeling “Gleeful” due to her “Glee” fame, which has made her very rich, and Cynthia and Kandi are both sporting totally new weaves.  The fur was really flyin’, therefore, we will break it down into sections:

Label Whores:  Cynthia comments on the focus on labels and finds it to be an ATL thing.  They talk about Africa, Nene totally denies she is a label whore and Kim looks beyond horrified at the denial.  Cynthia takes round one for being the only one appropriately dressed in Africa.

Bedroom Kandi or Growth is a Beautiful Thing:  We re-visit the Bedroom Kandi journey and the infamous “ReDICKulous” incident.  This shit just never gets old.  Nene has one of the lines of the season “It is disgusting to jump out of a box, on top of a table, when guests are dressed in their nice Versace, and you are sucking your penis.”  Then we are treated to the classic Mama Joyce moment “I mean…that’s…that’s…that’s f*cked up!”

Well Kandi is laughing all the way to the bank, her toys are selling out.  She is drawing crowds from all walks of life, including geriatric patients.  OHAC makes the first tactical error of the night by asking Nene her opinion of all this.  She has grown and she has no time to sit around with 40 year old women gossiping about bull shit.  Kandi says she is coming off judgmental and I knew she would whip out the “you used to be a stripper” card.  They argue and the bottom line is that Nene doesn’t care if “I stripped when I was 20, 30, 40, or 50…I do not want a dildo up my ass, today.”  Round two goes to Kandi, because despite Nene’s line of the night, Kandi is the real deal rich bitch.

Make no mistake, there will be NO dildos of any kind up her ass…TODAY!

Kandi’s New Man and Kim’s New Baby Bump:  Kandi’s new beau is Todd and he’s a production manager for the show.  She is very much in love and they are moving in together.  Good for Kandi!  OHAC transitions to Kim’s newfound love life and she announces that she is four months pregnant.  She receives some half-assed “congrats” from her fellow bitches.  OHAC finds it hard to believe that Kim is off the cigs and wine for good and he worries about her blowing through Kroy’s money.  Kim has been spending, the Porsche, the house, and whoa, a boat!  Kim also defends her new nanny choices, her relationship with Sweetie is all good, but Big Papa questions are off limits.  Nene has rolled her eyes about 19 times and we are only 23 minutes in.  Round three is all Kim’s, she has really changed a lot for the better and seems genuinely happy, when she is not arguing with Nene.

She by Sherage:  She by Shereé spent most of the season fighting Teflon Bob for child support and she has not made any progress with that, or her broke down weave.  She becomes emotional and Phaedra offers comfort via a tissue and a caring hand on her back.  As soon as She by Shereé starts to blame Phaedra for not handling her case properly, Phaedra quickly removes the comforting hand and prepares to explain basic family law…AGAIN.  Phaedra was waiting to be retained (paid), but She by Shereé claims Phaedra was waiting on cameras and had to be counseled by another attorney because she did not know what to do.  They argue about what Phaedra knows or doesn’t know…bottom line Phaedra name drops that she worked in family law for Bobby Brown, points out that She by Shereé’s case is in the same place it was before, but ultimately she will let She by Shereé wear the crown because she is the queen of throwing everybody under the bus.  Oh I can’t wait until we get to the Black Baby discussion.  Round four goes to our donkalicious Phaedra.

Chateau by Shereé, or Lack Thereof:  She by Shereé claims that she had a problem with someone who was misappropriating funds and she had to hire a new contractor and OHAC will be the first one over for tea.  He asks Phaedra what she saw at Chateau by Shereé and she replies she saw “dirt and grass”.  He addresses some tweets from Nene and she called it “Neverland” because nothing was there.  She says NEVER LAND a few times, which sets us up nicely for the next segue…Round five Neverland Nene.

Nene is VERY Rich Bitch or “What Time is It?”:  This segment was so nonsensical I couldn’t stand it.  Nene and She by Shereé argued about why Nene said she was rich and it basically winds down in petty insults… “you could use a bleaching”… “you could use a trim down on those doggie teeth”… “those big ol’ calves could use a trim down, they could bus’ a ball any day now boo boo, and those thighs.”  She by Shereé accuses Nene of trying to change what she said and Nene says she has no need to back pedal and they start arguing about finances and She by Shereé plays the “Bryson shop lifting at Wal-Mart” card and Nene goes ballistic.  She gives her “the hand”, which appears to be a sardonic dismissal akin to “f*ck off.”  Round six also goes to Nene because, well there was no need for She by to bring up Nene’s son and the calf comment was just funny and true.

Kandi the Complete Snitch:  Kandi defends her position about her behavior after the Miami trip.  She said “Nene is rich” to the other ladies behind her back.  Nene felt Kandi was trying to take a shot and Cynthia said it appeared to be instigating.  Kandi further confirmed that she has said Nene has done well and taken advantage of her opportunities.  Kim seals it with a kiss and says Kandi is the real rich bitch.  Round seven goes to Kandi because she has brains, has an established career, and a fat bank account.  This ATL bullshit is just milk money for Miss Kandi.

So that’s it in a nutshell, part two looks promising with an appearance by Peter the Crab and Marlo the escort.  Until then…

It Just Kinda Laid There

We start out this week mourning the loss of Milli Vanilli, but somehow the final seven find a way to carry on.  Each week, these intros reflecting on the latest casualty are getting more and more melodramatic.  It’s not like the boy died, his hair will go on!  OHRS descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps and the audience is going extra crazy, but certainly not for the shameless Tommy Hilfiger plugging.  After those two minutes of obscurity, we get on with the show, music from 2010 to today, so in other words, songs these kids actually know.  Akon is our guest mentor this week and we will get a view of the Idols’ hometowns.

We start in Mississippi, which is where Skylar hails from.  Her granpaw can’t wait until she gets home so they can kill dat big deer!  Skylar is taking on a Kellie Pickler song “Didn’t You Know How Much I Loved You?”  Jimmy is a bit hesitant at first but she blows the roof off the dump in rehearsal.  Akon calls her voice “F*ckin’ stupid”, but in a good way.  Kinda like when bad means good.  Skylar decides to play the guitar for her performance and she does a pretty good job, but I think she should have forgone the guitar.  DAWG said it was so in her wheelhouse, crazy hot, crazy good.  JHO said the pitch was perfect and Steven says “the crows may crow, but the hens deliver the goods”.  Way to start the night.  Cluck, cluck, cluck…

Tennessee is the next stop where Colton hangs his hat.  He is going to sing “Love the Way You Lie” by Skylar Grey.  Jimmy says “it’s you against Phillip, let’s cut the shit”.  Colton doesn’t like Jimmy’s comparison one bit, so he has to think outside the box.  Unfortunately, this was very reminiscent of his “Piano Man” performance, so in essence, he did not find his way outside of the prom invitation box.  It was okay, but not the “game changer” that Colton hoped for.  It looked like Steven was going to stand, but his mangled toes kept him grounded.  JHO felt he did the song his way, it was very “Colton”.  Steven admired his jacket and said his perf was record-ready.  DAWG liked the subtlety of the performance.

Elise and Dave Matthews are teaming up for another duet on “Somebody That I Used to Know”.  Sidebar:  Elise looks unusually orange tonight, someone set the spray tan gun to “Snooki”.  Steven loves the song and loved their rendition, JHO tries to politely say that Elise kicked the shit out of it and Phillip, just kinda laid there.  (Yes, I realize my inappropriateness).  DAWG gives the round to Elise.

BB Chez is up next and we visit California to see all of her fanfare.  The song choice is “Stuttering” by Jasmine Sullivan.  Jimmy tells her a story about Akon predicting that Jessica was “the one”, he said “feed her a few more hamburgers, and she’s ready to go”.  Whatever that means, probably that he would like to see more junk in the trunk.  She is an amazing singer and once again delivers a great perf.  DAWG will love the skatting.  DAWG jumps in first and said she set the bar really high, superb.  He says she “slayed the biggest fish of the night.”  Are fish really slayed?  JHO wants her to take us on a “Joshua” kind of ride.  Steven has forgotten where he is again.  OHRS comments on the “fish slayer” feedback and DAWG clarifies that she took down a whale and Steven pipes up “dragon slayer”.  Yea yea…stay in your lane homeboy…Steven’s got this.

Mantasia is celebrating his 20th birthday and OHRS has a surprise video from Fantasia for him.  She is in what appears to be a studio, to make it look like she is still actually a working performer.  Louisiana is Josh’s home state and the whole town is wearing “Team Josh” tee shirts.  He will sing “Runaway Baby” by Bruno Mars.  It’s good to see him do something up tempo, but the 60’s mod vibe doesn’t seem to really suit him.  It must have sounded better in person because he gets the first standing O of the night.  Steven said it was a work of art and he pushed Josh to get a phone number from the 6’ tall backup dancer.  JHO labeled him as a true performer and DAWG says he is in the zone and he has gotta have it.  I say it looks like Josh’s pants were a wee bit too tight.

Colton and Skylar are duetting again and little Skylar must have missed her mark because she is wandering around on the stage behind OHRS before the Fox intern grabs the cane and yanks her out of sight.  They will sing “Don’t You Wanna Stay”, but first they confirm that there is no romance between the two of them.  They do an okay job, but I think Skylar took the round.  Steven basically says they had “sing sex”.  Please the girl would snap him in half like the little turd-stick that he is.  JHO enjoyed the harmonies and DAWG just thought it was okay, a little pitchy.

Up next is Hollie from Texas.  She is ready to start fresh with “Perfect” by Pink.  Hmmm…big shoes Hollie, big shoes.  Jimmy thinks she is missing some experience and really needs to “turn the gas up”.  She does an acoustic version of the song and she has a great singing voice, but she doesn’t have the grit.  The wardrobe department has her dressed like a tragic ice dancer, which isn’t helping her case.

In a word it was “nice”.  JHO starts out with the “you look beautiful tonight” kiss of death, Steven says it “wasn’t perfect, it kinda laid there for me”.  I don’t think he realized how totally inappropriate that sounded.  DAWG agrees, but said she did better than last week.  Poor little Hollie, she just doesn’t have the chops and I think this little lamb may be going to the slaughter.

Dave Matthews is up next all the way from Georgia.  He’s come a long way from the Sanford and Son Pawn shop where tons of local people are clamoring to get their hands on some of the crap that our magical Phillip has touched.  He will sing “Give A Little More” by Maroon 5.  Akon and Jimmy give him some pointers in the coaching sesh and once again pitting him against Colton to stir things up.  He does a good job, but he sounds consistently the same.  Steven jumps in first and notes how he is evolving and calls him a Steve McQueen/Johnny Cash kinda guy.  Oh Steven, go back to daydreaming about waterskiing squirrels, will you?  JHO agrees, but felt it was underwhelming and has seen this performance before.  She actually crystallized my thoughts eloquently.  DAWG concurs and said it started out strong, but then “normalized itself”.  Phillip is his usual self and is like “whatevs, man.”

Hollie, BB Chez, and Mantasia are up next with a group number “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson.  We learn that Hollie and Josh are besties and BB feels like a third wheel.  Jessica actually sounds a little shaky and overall it’s a bit disjointed.  Like three drunk friends who thought they were going to 80’s karaoke night.  I understand “sorbet jeans” are in, but the outfit choices were hideous here.  JHO said she is proud, Steven says it was beautiful, and DAWG thought it was great, but gives the edge to Josh.  I would agree.

Elise from New Jersey is up next and OHRS surprises her with a video message from Jason Segel.  Of course, OHRS says he sent Jason an e-mail and he sent the video right over.  Geez Ryan, we know you are all powerful, but you don’t have to flaunt it.  When they said she would sing Lady Gaga, I knew she would go with “You and I”.  It’s actually a good song choice for her, but Jimmy and Akon are riding her like a cheap suit.  She has to nail it and stay out of the bottom three.  This isn’t my favorite Elise moment and the wardrobe choices are not flattering either.  Haley Reinhart got a lot of crap last year for singing this song, which I happened to think was a good Haley moment.  The judges love Elise on this pick, DAWG shouts “Elise is back!”  JHO and Steven loved it as well.

We are ready for the results and OHRS is wearing an azure blue pocket square, a tie clip, and a vest.  He looks utterly ridiculous.  Don’t …like…tie…clips.  The top seven perform Pink’s “Raise Your Glass” and let me just apologize to all of America.  The whole number was ghastly.  The only redeeming moment was a shot of Colton laying in Dave Matthews’ lap having his precious hair fondled.  Although I think this crosses the Colton Dixon line, people.

The whole performance is cornier than a bucket of wet cheese and it reminds me of a bad high school production.  I think Pink needs join Alicia Keys on the American Idol blacklist of artists whose songs are verboten.  Somewhere across the pond, Simon Cowell is huddled under a blanket with his pet Rachel Crowe, he sips a cocktail, strokes his moobs, and thinks “thank God I bailed on that train wreck.”

OHRS starts presents Colton with some fan mail, which is a prom invitation in a scary box from a girl in Wichita, Kansas.  We do not get to see the contents, but it appears to be a “dream book” with pictures.  Colton says “oh snap, it’s a strong maybe”.  Hollie gets an invitation to a spring formal in Mississippi and they flash a photo of the young Tate who is asking.  Elise received some feather earrings from a fan, she presents one to Steven, and he puts it on his ear.  Sidebar:  Steven is sporting a half pony up-do this evening that makes him look sassy and well, odd.

OHRS summons Hollie and BB Chez to the stage first.  Jimmy said they are both very good technical singers.  Hollie has some bad habits that make her too stiff and calculated while Jessica is effortless.  OHRS directs each to an opposite side of the stage to start a group, obviously the haves and the have nots.  But which is which?  I think the answer is fairly self-evident.

James Durbin returns to the stage to perform his new rock song.  He seems to be taking after Colton in the hair department, but the question remains, foil or one step?  Little James has gotten married and he is also going on tour and just sold 100,000 records.  Glad to hear he is doing well, but he looked better with dark hair.

Thank goodness OHRS re-explains the two group formation thing, whew…I was so lost.  Anyhoo, Elise and Dave Matthews face the music and Jimmy describes them as singer-songwriters, which are “character singers” not technical singers.  Jimmy’s little rant describes exactly what I feel about Phillip.  He sounds like Dave Matthews singing a Maroon 5 song and Jimmy predicts he will be bottom three.  Elise did all right by Jimmy, but not enough.  Phillip is sent to join Hollie and Elise is sent over to Jessica.

Colton and Mantasia are up next and Jimmy felt both did well.  OHRS discusses how the judges have not given Colton a standing O yet, but the judges vehemently deny that.  He divvies them up between the two groups of impending doom.  Skylar is still pending and we reflect on her evening.  I thought she actually did really well, Jimmy is afraid she may be left behind, but compliments her by saying she is both a singer-songwriter and a technical singer.  OHRS sends her back to safety, but asks her to pick the group she belongs with.  She refuses to choose so OHRS puts his meaty paw on her and puts her with Hollie, Phillip, and Colton.

Joshua, Elise, and Jessica are the bottom three and a mass upheaval of shock takes over the audience.  DAWG says America got it wrong.  Interestingly, Steven speaks for the group and says they will definitely use the save tonight, which actually makes the last part of the show a bit anti-climactic.  OHRS dims the lights and sends Joshua to safety.  The shocking twist here tonight is that Jessica is in jeopardy and Elise is safe.  JHO charges the stage and grabs the mic from Jessica.  DAWG and Steven follow suit, they tousle Jessica around like a little rag doll and shove her over to safety.  I don’t know how you do it on Q’Viva JHO, but here we don’t physically shove the kids around.  The studio is all atwitter, OHRS lunges in to “break it down”, DAWG says they are using the save and compels America to vote for the best and Jessica is one of the best.  As I sorta predicted, the judges would use the save for Jessica.

Ends with Benefits (a.k.a. Escape from Dickland)

We start out the season finale of this rather blah season with Nene and Cynthia in an upscale furniture store.  Nene wanders aimlessly through the store wondering to herself, “Do I need a new bed?”  “How about an overpriced sectional to replace the one I have?”  “Do I really want to divorce Greg?  The ‘friends with benefits’ thing was working so well for us!”  Cynthia sits her down in the nearest overpriced sectional floor model, poor Nene, she just can’t focus.  Going through this divorce is like a death.  Well at least Phaedra is close on hand to throw a funeral to die for.  Cynthia tries to give her a pep talk…as if.  Cynthia needs to give herself a pep talk, she has been heading for divorce the moment she said “I do”.  Oh Nene, to hell with Greg, just call on Kandi.  She has all the happiness and joy you need!

Indeed she does, Kandi has a large shipment of happiness and joy.  Do you see how this has all come full circle, people?!?!  Only five months and she has gone from idea to fully executed concept of the world’s best adult toy that dances to your favorite songs.  She is planning a big launch party, ladies only, but plenty of male models on hand to deliver pampering massages and attention.  I have to actually give Kandi props, she actually lives within her means, is extremely talented, and has a legitimate career and business ventures that make money.

Meanwhile, at the Bailey Agency, Peter is greasin’ the wheels with the local police department so they won’t receive any citations for being over capacity.  Cynthia is conducting a model search and she has assembled a panel of judges.  Students will participate in a six week master-class given by Cynthia.  She will also coach the less fortunate to pursue careers in hair and makeup.  Cynthia will also have us know that models aren’t just about looks.  They have to be smart, they have to go places, and they have to eat.  They don’t have people doing that for them.  Sheesh, who knew.  I don’t know if Cynthia thinks this is America’s Next Top Model, but gurrrl, you ain’t no Tyra!

Kandi and Phaedra conduct their own casting of sorts in search for men to serve as eye Kandi at the happiness and joy launch party.  They discuss the men’s clothing, or lack thereof.  Kandi warns Phaedra that nothing too risqué can take place as she already got her in trouble with ReDICKulous.  How could we forget?  But leave it to Phaedra to draw some prudent guidelines, the men will wear pants, with liners, and there will be no protruding of any kind!  She by Shereé joins in to bring down the mood.  They all agree no shirts will be worn, but debate about possible speedos.  Kandi is concerned about the possibility of some of the men not being able to fill out the speedo and Phaedra offers to bring baby socks if they need “props”.  Oy, just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse, they bring in this man named Termaine and when he removes his shirt, he has this chest hair that Kandi describes as “taco meat”, nappy, black, balled up hairs, which resemble crumbled ground beef.  Throwing…up…in…my…mouth.

A man named Jared from Kenya enters and the ladies approve.  Phaedra gets right to the point and says he looks like he “bathed in cup of coffee” and adds that he is almost as “fine as my husband.”  She by Shereé fantasizes about his strong hands.  Phaedra adds “yes, from working in the field”.  Back to reality ladies.  A man named Deshawn brings in a parade of men who specialize in pampering.  They begin to provide a demonstration of massaging and strawberry feeding and Kandi asks if she will get a happy ending.

Kim takes Kroy out for birthday, it’s the big 2-6.  Yeah, I’ll give you a minute to get your brain around that one.  She starts to give him a toast by saying how lucky she was to have him, but then completely derails her crazy train and she goes off on this tangent about Big Papa and how nobody would have left her situation, but buying purses and shoes to fill the void just wasn’t cutting it for her.  I think this will go down in history as most awkward birthday toast for a 26 year old man…EVER.  She cannot wait any longer for Kroy to see the present she got him, so they take their food to go.  She asks the valet to bring around their Escalade, but instead he drives up in a new Porsche.  Kroy is stunned and couldn’t be more pleased.  Geez, Bravo must pay well.  I can now rest assured that Kim has truly learned that material things don’t fill the emotional void.

Nene meets her Big Papa, John the greezy pizza man.  He’s pouring on the charm as they discuss “Lenethia’s Lounge” and the pending location.  He wants to go South Beach or New York.  Nene is not too sure, then he gives her a gift and a schpeel about how she is the “glue that fixed him.”  Uggh…must be Gorilla Glue.

She says he’s too much but in the blink of a false eyelash she accepts the $30,000 Rolex.  She searches for meaning and John says “A Rolex lasts forever.”  Nene thinks the relationship is getting weird.  Getting weird?  She musters up the courage to be okay with it though considering the Rolex.  He tells her that she makes it like Christmas every day for him.  “Great…Sure.”  Nene wearily replies.  She tells the camera it’s too much too soon, but that bitch will run with the watch so fast it will make your head spin.  She says she wants to be a playa, so if accepting lavish gifts from a man you don’t even like is being a playa, then Nene can check that off her bucket list.  With that, she tells John to fetch his black American Express card from the waitress so they can hop over to Jimmy Choo.

Kandi arrives at her happiness and joy launch party with Mama Joyce in tow.  Mama is fascinated by the underwater toys.  The men are oiled up and ready to rock.  Nene, Marlo, and Cynthia are en route in their clown car.  Marlo already be hatin’ because she thought the party was “exclusive”, but it was announced on Twitter.  Nene starts bashing Kandi for not having a man and says that she removed her fabulous gown and put on shorts when she heard Kandi announced the party on Twitter.

Phaedra is already at the party ready to have a fun evening.  She admires Kandi’s booty and proclaims herself as a Donkologist with a PhD.  The talls walk in and Cynthia “knows a Twitter party when I see one”, but she won’t be above trying to recruit some of the male models to come on’ down to the Bailey Agency.

Phaedra and Mama Joyce rejoice over the new products while the talls are huddled in a corner shit talkin’.  Kim and She by Shereé are checking out the products and I can’t help but notice She by needs a fill on her nails.  Kandi is enjoying herself as well, no shirt, no shoes…no problem!

Marlo and Cynthia agree to get a massage, but Nene refuses and says she is “not into dickland” and she quickly plots her escape.  Nene is flat out leaving and tells Cynthia and Marlo they have to find their own way home.  Kim gets line of the night when she says “Nene doesn’t need a dildo, she’s got a dick in her pants.”  Thank you Kim, you have just proved your worth on this entire season.

In conclusion, we get a brief “where are they now” of sorts.  Kim obviously married Kroy.  Happiness and Joy paid for Kandi’s new estate.  Phaedra is developing a makeup line for the dead and creating a donkey booty exercise video.  She by Shereé has put She by Chateau on hold, which makes sense because she is a broke hot ghetto mess!  Cynthia is in full swing with modeling classes and is speaking to her sister again, but not about Peter.  Nene has her recurring role on “Glee” and she finally got divorced, but she and Greg remain “friends with benefits”.  Wow…just wow!  See you next week, the reunion looks like it will be a delicious hot mess.

Gotta Have It or Make It Stop?

It’s the top eight performing hits from the 80’s and OHRS treats us to an old 80’s photo of the DAWG, which is tragic.  Although at the time it was “Fly” as the DAWG would have us believe.  Not the actual photo, but you get the gist:

Milli Vanilli is up first with “I Like It” by DeBarge.  Gwen Stefani is the mentor this week and she thinks he looks scared while he sings.  Jimmy hopes he can conquer the nerves and pre-predicts he will be in the bottom three.  Man, Jimmy has some ballz on him, counting the poor kid out before he even begins.  DeAndre delivers his melodic performance and it’s a bit better than last week and he shows a little more range then just the cat-shrilly high notes.  He gives a final hair flip before JHO digs in and says she liked it A LOT, translation = DeAndre is her type.  She enjoyed the hair up there and Steven found it captivating and said he forgot where he was.  That wasn’t due to the performance Steven, that’s brain damage.  DAWG thought it was one of his best performances.

Elise is going to take the stage with “I Wanna Know What Love Is” by Foreigner.  Gwen says her voice is “sick” and this could be a magic moment for Elise.  Steven weaves back and forth while listening to the performance, with no rhythm whatsoever.  Elise gets her moment at the end with the explosive chorus, but this is not my favorite performance of hers.  Steven agreed it wasn’t the right song and not her best, JHO gives her the “you look beautiful” kiss of death, and DAWG called it one of the greatest songs ever, but she was pitchy the whole song and out of tune everywhere.  I concur.  The only thing worse than her performance was the images of pocket watches floating around behind her.

Contestants will be paired for duet interludes this evening and Colton and Skylar are up first with “Islands in the Stream”.  Colton finally went with all one color on his hair.  To call this performance cheezy would be an understatement.  Colton looks like he is in pain and the corny backdrop and smoke machine are not helping.  I found it painful to watch.  DAWG and JHO enjoyed it, Steven said they were a “match made in heaven”.  OHRS eluded to “dating” rumors, but the only thing Colton has a special relationship with is his hair.

Dave Matthews is next with “That’s All” by Genesis.  He takes the stage in his favorite color, bong water grey, and delivers an equally dull performance with help from his brother on guitar.  Steven loves him, JHO thought it was a bit off at first, but ended up great.  DAWG dives in and thought it was great too.

Hollie and DeAndre perform their duet “I’m So Excited”.  If all else fails, they can probably get jobs on a Disney Cruise Ship.  OY.  This was even more painful to watch than the previous duet and you can almost tell they feel silly.  Steven enjoyed it and liked to see Hollie “let go”, JHO thought it was great, DAWG said “very very very very nice”.

Mantasia will sing “If You Don’t Know Me By Now” by Simply Red.  Gwen and Jimmy help him with the arrangement and Jimmy is confident.  His performance garners a standing O and the DAWG yells out “CRAZY” repeatedly.  JHO says “ask and you shall receive” as she asked for more “powerhouse” right before his performance.  She calls it “spectacular”, Steven said “over the top” and he is in awe of his ability at such a young age, DAWG says it was mature and “so in the zone”.  “Do you gotta have it?” is DAWG’s new catch phrase and Joshua has gotta have it!

BB Chez is up with “How Will I Know” by Whitney.  Gwen coaches her a bit on her movement and dissuades her from using “typical lounge singer moves”.  With that being said, Jessica starts the number amidst a group of awkward looking teens clapping off beat.  I’m not sure I really liked this, I am glad she did something up tempo, but I think it’s a bit pitchy, DAWG.  Furthermore, the background photos that are flashing behind her are of some sort of ancient relic…wait, they are cassette tapes.  Her choreography was also way too literal.  JHO looks a bit uneasy, but pours on the praise and Steven says she is “fantastic”, and the DAWG felt Jessica’s maturity.  She’s gotta have it too!

Dave Matthews and Elise sing “Stop Draggin’ My Heart Around” for their duet.  DAWG welcomes Elise back and says “that was HOT!”  JHO and Steven also enjoyed it and it was the best duet so far.

Hollie is up next with “What a Feeling” from Flashdance.  Jimmy actually doesn’t like the song, but he likes Hollie’s version.  Gwen encourages her to bring an edge to it.  They have a technical difficulty and OHRS has to stall a bit, but Hollie is off and running in her sparkly blue flapper dress she borrowed from Dancing With the Stars.  I am afraid the song choice may take her out and she appears completely crestfallen when she is done because she knows she bombed.  Steven said her pitch was all over the place, JHO wants her to let it go, DAWG agrees she is thinking too much and needs to just live it.

The final duet of the night is BB Chez and Mantasia with “I Knew You Were Waiting For Me”.  They get a standing O from the judges as JHO pulls her skirt out of her ass.  DAWG calls them the best singers in the competition and one of the greatest performances on the show, ever.  JHO has visions of the final in her eyes and Steven called it “so over the top, it defies judging”.

Colton picks a winner with “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper.  He puts a rock twist on it and makes it his own, which judges always love.  I wasn’t particularly impressed with the performance, he was singing in a way that Simon Cowell would call “highly affected”.  Steven loved it, but gave more props to the drummer.  JHO said she felt many different things and liked the ending.  DAWG likes that he made it his own, of course, and said the drummer was “ridiculous.”  OHRS asks Colton if the hair was “foil or one-step?”

Skylar rounds out the night with “Wind Beneath My Wings” and Gwen thinks she could have a “wow” moment.  Well at least wardrobe department didn’t put her in something that makes her ass look ridonkulous, and it appears that they have been shopping at Charming Charlie for ginormous earrings.

She garners a standing O for herself and actual tears from JHO because the movie “Beaches” always makes her cry.  DAWG jumps in with “wow, wow, wow” he loves it and calls it her best performance to date.  JHO said her performance told America “do…not…count…me…out!”  Steven thought it was a great song pick for the end of the night and the beginning of a great career.

Overall, I would say it’s more like “make it stop” than “gotta have it”.  Not the best show, but then again the 80’s were not the best decade.  We start the results show with a premiere of JHO’s new video “Dance Again”.  JHO said it has a “good message”.  I suppose, if that message is “I’m a skank in a wind machine”.  It’s basically JHO covered in body glitter, pretending like she is Madonna, a little bit o’ Auto Tune at its finest, a wind machine, and JHO’s current boy toy, Casper the Overly-Friendly Dancer.

Mantasia is not feeling well tonight and is on the verge of passing out, I think OHRS gave him some tainted crawfish.  Jimmy comments that he talked to Joshua about being overly affected and he has improved greatly.  BB Chez is also summoned to the stage, but Jimmy said her performance wasn’t enough.  Mantasia is safe and he gives hugs all around to make sure to knock out the competition with his bird flu virus.  BB Chez also safe.  No surprises here.

Skylar and Colton are up next.  Jimmy said Skylar proved her worth and has potential to win.  Jimmy thought Colton was good, but not great.  OHRS is going to make these two sweat a bit more and he calls Hollie and Milli Vanilli up.  Jimmy did not like Hollie’s performance at all and she may be fighting with DeAndre for who is packing.  Jimmy felt that DeAndre was not great and he needs to grow.  DeAndre is sent to the stools of death and Hollie joins him.  Colton and Skylar are safe.

Elise and Dave Matthews are up to hear their fate.  Jimmy felt that Phillip was good, but it was his worst performance so far on the show.  Elise apparently sang better in rehearsals and Jimmy called it “an old fashioned choke”.  Of the two, Elise goes to the old fashioned stool of death and Phillip gets to take a seat and just be himself in his bong water grey shirt.  In a last minute twist before the commercial break, OHRS sends Hollie back to safety.

The judges give their opinion and JHO said that America got the bottom two half right.  Sort of a slam to Elise considering DeAndre is JHO’s boy toy in training.  Elise is more talented and experienced than he is and DeAndre has a lot of growing to do.  Elise is safe, so at least America did get that half right.  Eat it, JHO!

DeAndre does his Jamaican jam sing for safety along with his hair flips and bouncing curls.  I think we already know that the hair up there is going buh-bye.  The audience is chanting “Save! Save! Save!”, JHO voted to save him, but DAWG and Steven over ruled and the hair up there has been treated with Nair…poof he is gone.

Waste of an Outfit and a Wig

We open with Kim squawking on her cell phone to She by Shereé about her impending lunch with Cynthia to re-hash black baby-gate.  Kim says that Cynthia has brass balls when she is around Nene, but then no spine without her.  She by Shereé agrees and further fuels the fire.  Meanwhile, in totally scripted moment a highly unlikely coincidence, Cynthia is on the phone with Nene for a gut check coaching sesh.  It’s all the Smalls fault, they tattled and told Kim everything, Kim will play the victim and then talk about you like a DAWG.  Nene basically gives Cynthia a license to put Kim on epic blast, but again we know that won’t happen because Cynthia backs down when she doesn’t have Nene by her side.

The lunch meeting is awkward to say the least.  Cynthia starts in on how it’s a “you said, I said” battle and at least Kim cops to saying dumb shit all the time.  Cynthia is quick to agree on that, but our dear Kim just can’t seem to let go of the black baby.  Ironic, she was accused of never wanting to hold a black baby, and now she can’t seem to extract her claws from the “black baby” (figuratively speaking…of course).

Cynthia reiterates that she does not feel Kim is racist and apologizes again.  Kim calls her out about acting differently around Nene and Cynthia takes the opportunity to broach the Kim vs. Nene debacle, but Kim says it will not happen.  She adds that maybe after five years of therapy Nene can admit fault like grown ass woman.  They each order a pretty sizeable lunch, which is unusual for the typical staged Bravo standoffs.  Usually they order a drink, slam it, put their fingers in each others faces, and bolt.  But not these two, Cynthia ordered “The BIG salad” and Kim had a deep fried plate of everything.

Kim agrees to hug it out, but hopes Cynthia doesn’t spring a “friend contract” on her.  Now that would really ruin her day.  They briefly discuss a possible double date, but Kim doubts Kroy will go for that.  I think at this juncture, we have put the black baby to bed.  We really need to, it’s way past the baby’s bedtime.

Nene is visiting LA to meet with the creators of Glee.  Acting is her new bag and she’s ready for her Oscar.  Talk about putting the cart before the horse.  Her assistant Andre is workin’ her nerves and it’s obvious this is already going to her head.  She is one step and repeat away from throwing her cell phone at Andre’s head.

Kroy visits Joe to ask for his permission to propose to Kim.  Joe is spray painting some wooden shelving unit with hearts cut out on the side.  It’s very “Little House on the Prairie”.  After Kroy’s question, Joe has various questions “are you fully committed?”, “will you take care of Kim and the girls for lifetime?”  Kroy will be committed and Kim and the girls will live off of his football money, yes.  Joe is thrilled to welcome Kroy to the family and I am sure he is happy that the big papa curse is lifted.  Kroy lets Joe get back to his spray painting and by the looks of Joe, I think he needs a rest from the fumes.

We have a brief Kandi-Koated moment as she meets with Mathieu via video conference and he shows her prototypes of her “toys” designed to look like makeup.  It looks like Kandi-Koated gets full on Re-DICK-ulous next week.

Another boring scene between Cynthia and Peter as they discuss the Bailey Agency model search.  Leave it to Peter to set the panic in motion about the casting event.  He warns her the Fire Department will shut her down like a tilt-a-whirl with missing parts if she has more than 30 people in the room.  Quite frankly, I am not sure how she is making any money with this.  Although, these two have a knack for opening up totally unprofitable businesses.

Phaedra is at the funeral home to continue her training.  Her assignment is to meet with her first grieving family to make arrangements.  She starts asking questions in her delicate, hushed tone, and the children tell her that the deceased was married, then Phaedra asks about the mother and they say she has already passed.  This shows you that Phaedra is paying attention, she notices this and wonders why they didn’t say he was a widower.  She gives them a tour of the caskets and sinks them in for $14G’s.  Note to Phaedra:  Don’t say “is there anything jumping out at you” in a room full of caskets.  The jig is finally up when she asks for the birth date of the deceased and they say 4/10/1910.  It turns out to be a mock family who will rate her.  The judges say she is exceptional.

Nene and Andre go out for dinner and Nene is fully confident that she landed the Glee part, which we know she did.  Here she is in her starring role, full set of choppers and all.

They run into Steve Harvey and Nene goes bananas over his wife’s 25 karat ring.  Hosting “The Family Feud” must be lucrative gig.  He warns Nene about the Hollywood pitfalls, “everybody has a bidness card and everyone is a producer”. Nene just needs to clear this with Greg so she can bring Brent out to LaLa land, but I doubt he will go for it.  Nene also sees Keisha Knight Pulliam at the restaurant and asks her for advice and she said Atlanta is really her home.  Remember little Rudy Huxtable from the Cosby show?  Little girl is all grown up and giving Nene advice.

Phaedra and family go to an event honoring the funeral home owner, Willie Watkins.  She invites the Talls and Smalls, but cautions them to forgo any skanky ass clothing.  Kim has no clue why they are there and thinks it’s more of a circus.  Kim sees Kandi and wonders why she is sitting with the Talls, which she calls the moose and the giraffe.  They are quickly realizing this is not Phaedra’s event and Cynthia says it’s a waste of outfit and wig.  Kim is jumping out of her skin and lures She by Shereé outside with her to drop the big news and show her the She by Shereé approved 10 karat engagement ring.  She by Shereé and her Samurai top knot are thrilled and Kim asks her to be a bridesmaid, to which she seems less thrilled.  Funny, I never pictured Kim having a drag queen in her wedding.  Uh oh, that will go down with the black baby comment!  Face it, She by Shereé deserves it, what a skank for stirring up that damn black baby pot to begin with.

Phaedra finally gets her moment and announces her partnership with Willie and the funeral business, funerals worth dying for.  Overall, it’s much ado about nothing.