It’s been a hectic week and since we all know what has happened, I am going to mix it up a bit. Our new American Idol is…Phillip Phillips. I highly suspected he would win, and rightfully so, he stayed true to himself, did his thing, took risks, he was original, and he didn’t rock a pageant gown one time. I also read yesterday that during his Idol stint, he went through eight surgeries!?!?! Could this be true? What a trooper.
On performance night, Dave Matthews won the coin toss and he picks the number two pimp position. Off we go…
Round One – Simon “Creator of the American Idol Threshing Machine” Fuller Pick:
BB Chez is doomed to sing “I Have Nothing”. Uggh, I thought Whitney was off limits. When she hit the refrain where she sang “don’t make me close one more door”, it’s a little rough for me, but it’s a tough song to sing.
Dave Matthews sings “Stand by Me”, he gives a typical Phillip performance and it’s actually a bit boring. Sorry, not too impressed with round one.
OHRS goes to the judges and JHO calls it “a battle of the opposites”, DAWG has a definite opinion and gives round one to BB Chez. Steven is ignored by OHRS, which means he is just saving up his canned phrases he learned at Promises, Malibu for round two.
Round Two – Contestants’ Fave:
BB Chez selects “The Prayer” for her favorite moment, and quite frankly I don’t remember her performing this song. I am really disappointed, I had hoped she would be the scrappy, feisty, little Jessica we fell in love with during auditions. I am just not into this Celine Dionnie, Whitney, Mariah, pageanty crap over and over.
Dave Matthews reprises “Movin’ Out”. I do recall this song and it was a descent performance the first time. We are also treated to another reprise of the blonde saxophone player, but this time on a clarinet. He delivers another standard/solid performance, the crowd goes bananas.
OHRS defers to Steven for round two and here we go again. He says “you don’t always have to be a good egg, hatch or go bad.” HUH? He says Phillip has hatched some, but Jessica took round two also. DAWG jumps in with DAWGGED determination that it was a dead heat, while JHO is in Phillip’s corner. No surprises there.
Round Three – Contestant’s Hand-Crafted Hit in a Can:
BB Chez sings us “Change Nothing” and she does adequately, but the song blows monkey balls. She is probably the type of contestant that the mental threshing machine known as Idol is looking for. They can mold her young, impressionable mind into what they want, and spit her out into the world. Phillip isn’t going to stand for that type of treatment. DAWG comments that he did not love the song, but felt she made something out of it. He also comments on how she has her own swag and flavor and was disappointed in the “pop star” performance. JHO echoes and wants to see more soul and blues quality. This is exactly what I mean when I say I want to see the scrappy BB Chez we first met. Steven was not feelin’ it either. BB Chez sort of, half way admits that she didn’t really like the song either, but of course she will do what the threshing machine gods tell her to do.
Sidebar: I miss Josh.
Dave Matthews sings “Home”. It’s more his style and he is accompanied by a marching band, which can only help his case. It didn’t blow my socks off, but it got a standing O from the judges. DAWG and Steven kind of looked at each other like “are we gettin’ up?” DAWG loved it and thought it was perfect, brilliant, genius. JHO thought it was Phillip Phillips, (thank you Senorita obvious) and Steven thinks he is da’ man. At least he was original and showed more of himself.
The results show is a two hour and seven minute star-studded finale event, we will hit the highlights and I will grab Revenge from “On Demand” since I missed the first seven minutes due to this Fox scheduling buffoonery.
Phillip did a nice duet with John Fogerty, but I have to say the real spectacle on this results show was the return of Mantasia with…ahem…Fantasia. At least I think that is what it was. They had horrendous a scream off to an Elton John song. Quite frankly, my ears and eyes could have done without her, she sounded like a cat on a waffle iron. And well…she looked…she looked downright scary. She had an unbeweavable weave inspired by the “Cher Collection” and she was stuffed into a cat suit like smoked marked-down kielbasa.
We enjoyed a gag reel of Jimmy the snapping turtle calling JHO “Jessica” about 80 zillion times. He pretends to care, but he doesn’t and he has no intention of ever giving a shit.
The top six ladies sing with Chaka Kahn. It appears they woke Chaka up from her nap and stuffed her into a chocolate brown onesie. DAWG and OHRS were rockin’ out and JHO is missing from the judges table, which tells me we are going to have to endure the likes of her in a cat suit too. OY, a collective OY. It’s cat suit fever…who wore it best? I would have to give it to Chaka, at least she didn’t have cutouts on the thighs.
Rhianna showed up to perform, which is good considering she recently blew off her Saturday Night Live dress rehearsal. Skylar and Reba gave a nice duet and we also got a tour of Steven’s dressing room complete with a sloth.
BB Chez sang “I Will Always Love You”, which allowed DAWG and Steven to enjoy a stolen “bromance” moment. There was a sorta funny medley inspired by DAWG’s favorite phrase “you could sing the phone book”, where the contestants literally did just that. There were some lyrics about plastic surgery and bratwurst and Josh had to steal the moment and upstage everyone.
JHO delivered not one, but count ‘em, two songs…oh goodie. At least she chose to forgo the cat suit and she went with the sequined hammer pants.
Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo were called on stage and Ace proposed to Diana. Apparently, Diana has turned into a plastic Barbie doll, but she finally speaks and tells OHRS that she is speechless. Ace gives her the “David Webb” ring, because of course nothing is on this show is done without blatant product placement. Well played Ace, the American Idol shameless plugging machine has taught you well. The lovely couple will be back in three years to tell us that “thanks to Huggies, they are having a baby!”
Hollie and Jordin Sparks performed together and all I can say is that Hollie makes Jordin look like an amazon being beamed in by the smoke monster!
The guys gave a shout out to Robin Gibb with a tribute medley and Jessica got a chance to sing with Jennifer Holiday. At this point, Steven has now disappeared from the judges table, so Aerosmith must be up next. Jennifer Holiday is amazing, but she looks a little bunny boiling psycho when she sings.
OHRS introduces Aerosmith, which he says he has been waiting two years to do. Now that they have ironed out their differences and gotten their shit together, the original five are back together. I wasn’t particularly wild about the first song “Legendary”, but it’s good to see them back in action and rockin’ their “wheelhouse”, as DAWG would say. Of course, they pull out a classic “Walk This Way” for their second song. Good for them, I hope the toxic twins can finally put their grievances behind them and continue to perform until they just can’t perform no mo’!
Jessica and Phillip do a final snoozy duet, and OHRS finally announces Phillip as the winner. He hands him a guitar and Phillp starts to sing us “Home”. He is in total shock and then the emotion hits him and he can barely sing. Way to go Phillip.
Well it’s been an adequate season…some good stuff, some boring, some predictable. And this was probably the most low-key finale we have ever seen. We will see what the next round in January brings. Peace, DAWGS!