GTF (Gym…Tan…Find out Who is Texting Jacs)

We pick up right where we left off at the Hot Ass Mess Posche Fashion Show.  Angelo (a.k.a. Mr. Clean) is still talking to the ladies and Kathy gets an uneasy feeling.  Teresa sits there saying nothing and Melissa pretends like she can’t remember who he is.  Teresa’s heart is still beating 500 and Kathy asks if she had too much coffee.  The conversation dies down and the fashion show starts.  Jacs notices that everyone is having fun except Teresa and she senses something is “off”.  The ladies watch the skanks parade down the runway in the highly flammable acetate glitter gowns.  Melissa is not impressed and if she doesn’t like it, well then you know the shit is bleak my friend…the shit is bleak.

Kim D. screams into the mic… “we’re gonna dance our asses off and have f*ckin’ fun…F*CKIN’ FUN!”  Way to class it up Kimmy D.  Teresa and Melissa take a bathroom break and Teresa plays dumb and starts pummeling Melissa with questions about Mr. Clean.  Teresa forces Melissa to feel her heart beating 500, but Melissa can’t feel it.  Well you can’t feel what she doesn’t have!  Teresa comes clean about Mr. Clean and tells her Melissa she met him at the salon that day and relays what he said about her being a dancer at his club.  Melissa gives her a look like “guuuuurrrl please” and she explains that she was a bartender at a club and she clarifies that it was not a strip club, but a bikini bar where they made big tips and it would have been stupid not to work there.  She says Joe knew all about her past working at the club, but when they met, Melissa was teaching 2nd grade.

Meanwhile, Mr. Clean is bee-bopping around the party telling some unknown person that Melissa used to dance for him and says “Johnny calls me up and says something like Kim and Teresa wanna blow the whistle on her because she plays like the holier than thou.”  Jacs is receiving a text from a mutual friend of hers and Teresa’s stating that drama is gonna go down, stick around.

Back in the bathroom Melissa swears on her children that she never danced.  Teresa tells the camera (in her scary outfit) that she isn’t so sure, it seems kinda “cowinkadinka”.  Melissa is questioning why Teresa didn’t tell Mr. Clean to get lost and she feels set up.  Melissa calls Joe to see what he thinks about this chach-bag and Teresa flips out at the thought of her brother’s involvement.  Melissa says this is what you get for even entertaining this crock of shit, and Teresa quickly flees the scene.  Teresa looks guilty now as she wields her sequined machete through the crowd.  She must tell Mr. Clean to split before Joe shows up.  Sidebar:  Teresa running frantically through the crowd at the fashion show is reminiscent of last year when she left the baby UNATTENDED!

Of course Joe thinks the whole thing is crazy, Melissa won’t even dance for him, let alone in a club for greezy bald men.  Joe says he is on his way and Teresa is still searching for Mr. Clean.  Meanwhile, Jacs gets more texts indicating that Melissa is the target of whatever is going down.

Teresa finds Kim D. and she tells him Mr. Clean left and Teresa storms off.  She goes back to the booth and sits down rather ungracefully (she pulls a Britney)…ugh.  Teresa and Kathy start discussing and Lauren, Mama Manzo, and Jacs are smirking as they listen.  Kathy points out that it makes no sense that Mr. Clean started this shit and then just left.  If what he was saying was true, he would have no reason to flee.

Kim D. comes running up to the table and apologizes for the scene with Mr. Clean, which couldn’t have been more fake since she knew all about this.  She was salivating like Pavlov’s dog when she got the dirt at the salon.  This mess has Kim D. written in graffiti all over it!  Melissa tells Kim skank to “shut up and take a walk”.  Teresa fesses up that she and Kim D. saw him at the salon earlier, so Melissa is uber-pissed that Teresa was fully aware of this prior to the event.  Teresa’s brother in law, Juicy Pete, comes by and grabs Teresa from the table and they go to the bar and do shots.  The gals at the table show Melissa the texts Jacs received and she says “un-f*ckin’ believable!”

Melissa and Kathy walk outside to get some air and while Melissa gives her the story in a nutshell, Kathy gives her some Billy Idol lip.  Seriously, what was up with Kathy’s lip?  Jacs and Mama Manzo come outside and they spot Richie and Joe.  Richie is sporting a white polo shirt, collar popped, moobs protruding.  Joe is sporting his cat burglar knit cap…they are ready to f’n rumble.  Mama Manzo talks Joe down and Melissa tells Joe that Teresa set him up.  “Buckle up bitches!”  Joe goes inside and they find some guy who knows Mr. Clean and says he worked for him for a day and they try to call him???  This just keeps getting WTF-ier.  Melissa tells Teresa she heard that it was a setup and Teresa starts flipping out again.

Kim D. comes outside and asks “what’s the problem” in her best Benson & Hedges voice.  She is on this shit like a drunken hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Joe has his “ah-ha” moment… “this is Kim D’s fashion show, she and Teresa are “butt buddies, the whole thing is f*cked!”  He tells Kim D. to “go sniff a line” and calls her “scum of the earth”.  Well, now that you mention it little Joe…Kim D. does look like she’s cut more lines than a crippled kid at Disney Land.  Kim D. retorts “you’re a midget, you are nothing!”  They continue to hurl insults and he says “go sniff another line, ya’ dirty ass f*ckin’ whore.”  Oy zio Joe, keep it classy!

In typical Teresa fashion, she is inside whoopin’ it up with her brother in law while all this shit is unfolding in front of the restaurant.  This proves Teresa knows she is going to get her ass handed to her, the shit is about to hit the fan so she will pretend like it’s not happening.  Jacs tells us that a mutual friend told her that Teresa knew this was gonna go down two weeks ago.  She finds it ironic that this is happening when Teresa and Melissa have never been closer.

Joe starts yelling that they are never coming to this fashion show again, Mama Manzo tells them to go home.  Lauren and Mama Manzo tell us that Teresa had told them some time ago that Melissa was a stripper.  Joe asks Jacs for her synopsis of the sitch and it boils down to a setup and Jacs will forward him the text messages.  I still want to know who is texting Jacs!

Teresa emerges in her purple disco dress and she confronts Jacs about telling Melissa that it was a set up and Teresa knew about it.  Of course, Teresa swears on her kids she didn’t know the guy, blah blah blah and she looks at Jacs and says “obviously someone is trying to set ME up and maybe you’re involved!”  Teresa tells the camera that Jacs is a C-U-Next-Tuesday.  Wooh…clearly the wheels have fallen off of this crazy train.  Jacs finally has her “ah ha” moment and she realizes Teresa is scum for trying to turn this around on her.  Welcome to the planet, Jacs!

Melissa tells Joe to shout at Teresa out the window of the car and he does, so now Teresa runs over there and they start screaming.  Joe is pissed that Teresa didn’t stick up for Melissa and he brings up the fact that he threw the female lawyer out of his Christmas Party for Teresa.  Oooh…two points Joe!  Then Joe yells “you take him by the hair and throw him out!”  Hmmm, Mr. Clean has no hair…minus two points Joe.  They finally drive away and Teresa is wandering around plagued by a mixture of exhaustion, drunkenness, and general hysteria.  Wow…just…wow.  What a waste of an outfit and a wig (shout out to my ATL Housewives!)

Sidebar:  Where is brass knuckle Rosie in all this runway melee?  She would have set these beyotches straight!

Teresa goes back into the party and Kim D. and her friends start gossiping immediately.  Teresa tells the camera that maybe Jacs started this because she feels guilty about her own stripper past.  Ahh…Teresa Giudice, you are the queen of delusion. 

Teresa finally walks away from the people at the party and says she doesn’t want to hear it.  We cut to 12 hours later at the Season 3 reunion when Jacs was not present and Caroline explained Jacs couldn’t look at Teresa.  So that ‘splains that.

The show ends with updates on each housewife:

Caroline has not spoken to Teresa since the Reunion was taped. (Well, like, duh!)

Lauren had the LAP-BAND surgery and Cafface is thriving.

Albie and Lindsey broke up. (Well, like, double duh!)

Kathy’s homemade cannoli kit has hit the shelves and Victoria decided to go to college locally.

Kathy is speaking to Teresa, but only via text.

Melissa’s single “How Many Times” hit #4 on iTunes.

The Gorga house is on the market for $3.8 million and they want to move far away from Teresa.

Teresa wrote another NY Times bestseller.  Juicy is waiting for trial date, if found guilty…greybar hotel.

Teresa has not spoken to Joe since the Posche blowout, except for a text he sent her saying “you’re dead to me”.

Teresa recently apologized in a magazine to everyone except Kathy.  WTF-ery at its finest!

Poor Jacs is alone in her mansion crying like a baby over losing a friend.  Oy vey Jacs, what have you really lost here?  Once she comes out of the fetal position, Jacs will be focusing on CJ and Nicholas and her relationship with A$$lee is thriving.  She has not seen Teresa since the blowout at the fashion show.

Season 4 reunion part 1 of 43 should be a real barnburner.  Teresa is going to get nailed to the wall.

Bindi, Baldy, Bitchery

Melissa is preparing to meet a VP of a record label and she enlists the help of her makeup artist, George Miguel, to help her decide which skanky heels to wear.  The choices are diamondy or leapordy.  He votes for the leopardy and they are ready to call it a day.  But not so fast!  Kim “D.” from Posche calls and she starts out with a half assed apology to Melissa for trash talking her hubby.  Then she invites Melissa to the Posche fashion show and Melissa says she will think about it.  Melissa doesn’t feel that Kim D. was sincere, but hopes that her motive for inviting her is because Melissa is the biggest celebrity Kim D. knows.  While that statement may be true, you are hardly JLO, Miss On Display.

At the Goo-duh-chay house, Teresa is giving the girls Italian lessons.  This will be Teresa’s next business venture, “Learn to Speak Italian, The Joo-Duh-Chay Way!”  Milania is resisting with all of her might and G to the ia can’t stand her mother’s gross ineptitude anymore.  She shoves her mother aside and takes over, teaching the girls how to say “Prostitution Whoo-ahhhh” en Italiano.  Milania’s interest is piqued and she stares intently while eating her pencil eraser.  Saved by the bell, Kim D. arrives to talk to about the Posche fashion show.  Teresa can’t wait because it’s always a ball-busting good time.  We take a sashay down memory lane and we are reminded of all the fun, Danielle Staub getting her extensions ripped from her head and Kathy saying one of the many forbidden words to Teresa, “unattended.”  Sidebar:  Can we talk about Kim D’s weave?  I don’t know who Kim thinks she is fooling, but the weave is as haggard and broke down as she is.  Kim D. tells Teresa that she will invite the whole gang, including Caroline.  Teresa reminds us how she feels about Mama Manzo…“In my eyes, you’re dead” she says in Italian.

Boyz II Manzos are hosting brunch for Mama and Papa Manzo and their little wayward sister Lauren.  Albie’s girlfriend Lindsey is cooking away and Christopher serves up his “Manzolini” cocktail and some breakfast sandwiches.  Mama Manzo starts reflecting on how far her children have come and Lauren announces that she has signed a lease at the old Chateau Salon for her new business, Cafface.  Mama Manzo gloats that she and Albert are free to retire.  Albert, who has remained silent, pipes up with “what if we retire and realize we can’t stand each other!”  Ouch, no wonder Mama Manzo is such a bull dog!

The Wakile’s walk into Bindi to pitch ideas for Kathy’s desserts.  She presents a poster with her mug on it and it says “Dolci della Dea” (Goddess Sweets).  I think it should have a picture of her riding down a unicorn on a rainbow, just to class it up a bit.  Kathy has to remind Richie to zip it because he is notorious for busting out his vulgarities during her business meetings.  Kathy talks about “happy endings” and Richie makes a typical “Richie” comment.  Kathy loses points on that one, she should have known better than to use that phrase.  She says, “let’s call it sweet finish”.  Richie makes a comment to the camera about Kathy being his favorite dessert and then there is some dubbed in comment “tastes like fish and she gets it done”.  Clearly, that was dubbed in out of context.  If not, well he deserves to be kicked in the ballz for that.  Kathy seals the Bindi deal, despite her inappropriate hubby, and she is excited that she will finally be able to afford the nose job she wants.

The Gorgas arrive at the Russian Tea Room to meet with Corte Ellis and Jason Kpana from the record label.  Kpana orders a Ciroc and something and Melissa says “Ciroc, oooh are you P Diddy?”  Not. At. All. Racist.  Kpana is impressed by the fact that the Gorga’s want to do the singing career thingy on their own, but Melissa is worried about not being as successful without the backing of a record label.  They converse until Melisa sees stars, she is ready for her “THS” on the E! Channel.  Whoa Meliss…you’re putting the cart before the horse.  How about you perform at a real venue and not some rickety side stage at stompfest.

Jacs and Caroline arrive in the rain at Posche and Jacs immediately gushes over Kim D’s weave.  Jacs tries on a polyester mini-dress and she comes out with her jeans around her ankles over her ankle boots.  Flattering look.  Kim D. launches into her hard sell on getting them to attend the fashion show.  Caroline reflects on the history of the fashion show not turning out well combined with coming off the heels of a huge blowout.  Recipe for disaster, bad ingredientses, nothing good can come from this.  Jacs seems to think things are fine between her and Teresa and the fashion show should go off without a hitch.  Caroline is indifferent at this point, she can be cordial…“pass the salt, nice dress”.

At Casa de Joo-Dee-Choy, Milania is busily applying temporary tattoos and Teresa tells her she looks like a freak.  Really, Tre…isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black?  Jacs arrives with Nicholas so they can have a play date and Melissa arrives with her little ones and two boxes of sprinkle cookies.  Milania and Antonia walk hand in hand out to the water slide/bouncy house.  Too cute…the bouncy house thing is pretty cool, too bad it will likely be repo-ed soon.  Jacks isolates herself on the swing set with Nicholas in order to give Teresa and Melissa some alone time.  Teresa and Melissa sense the tension and think it’s weird.

Lauren and Caroline go to the rental space and we reflect back on Lauren’s journey.  Caroline is hoping the salon will give her a jump start and she wants the real Lauren Manzo to please stand up and realize how fantastic she is.  I think that is the first compliment Mama Manzo has dealt her daughter this season.

Meanwhile, Jacs is skyping with A$$lee and A$$lee talks about her high gas bill because she didn’t, like, turn the gas to the stove all the way off, and it like, ran for three days in her apartment.  Jacs comments how she could have died or blown up and tries not to make the cringey, oh migawd how could you be so stupid face.  At least for those three days, A$$lee smoked her blunts elsewhere, so the building didn’t blow up.  Jacs asks about her new job and A$$ talks about how she got to interview one of her favorite bands on her second day of work.  A$$ shows off her new skull tattoo on her wrist and then fesses up to another new tattoo, “Veni, Vidi, Vici” on the back of her neck.  Jacs is pissed, but keeps it at bay because the A$$ is doing well and they are improving their relationship.  Once the Skype connection cuts out, Jacs throws herself down on the couch agonizing over the additional tattoos.

It’s the day of the Posche fashion show and Melissa is already in hair and makeup and Kathy arrives to have her face sprayed on as well.  Kathy hopes there is no drama, she just wants a cocktail and a little conversation.  Good luck wit’ dat’!  Melissa is prepared to drop the Kim D. grudge and let it go.  Across town, Teresa and Kim D. go to Allure Salon to get themselves done up for the big night.  Angelo, the PR Manager for the salon, escorts the ladies upstairs to get their makeup done.  Then we see Teresa, once again in her Johnny Weir and Bjork had a baby outfit, saying that she usually has her makeup done at home and hopes that she doesn’t look weird.  No Tre, you would never look weird with that Herman Muenster hairline and shiny face.

Angelo brings Kim D. and Teresa some champagne and conveniently strikes up a conversation about how Melissa used to dance for him at a gentlemen’s club.  I have to give Teresa some miniscule props for putting the kibosh on the conversation and saying she didn’t want to talk about her family like that and she dressed Angelo down a bit and told him to shut his pie hole.  It feels weird saying something nice about Teresa.  Something tells me, however, that Teresa will turn this on Melissa at some point.  It wouldn’t be a Bravo show without some overblown scandal.  Kim D. keeps instigating the conversation and says she thought Melissa was a bartender at this gentlemen’s club, not an air dancing, thong wearing, prostitution whoo-ahh.  She says maybe Melissa went from “porn again to born again” and that’s why she’s all with the Jesus-n-stuff.  Angelo returns to apologize to Teresa, but Kim D. won’t let it go and starts asking pumping him for the deets.  How long ago was it, how long did she work there, what was her stripper name, did she nail the dismount?  Teresa flees the room to slug her champagne in the corner.  Angelo tells Kim D. that it was about 7 or 8 years ago and she only worked there about 8 months.  He said she was a pretty hot commodity and the customers were sad to see her go.  Shocking!  Melissa, who likes to dance around in shorts the size of an air mail stamp…a former stripper?  Teresa comes back and tells Kim D. to “shut the f*ck up” and she doesn’t want to hear it.

Everyone starts arriving to the show and it’s all pleasantries, for now.  Melissa does an impression of Kim D. for the camera, which is amusing.  It makes up for her hideous outfit from the Reynolds Wrap Collection of horrors.

Caroline and Jacs arrive and all the ladies are seated in a big, round, cozy booth.  The cocktails are free flowing, which is always a good way to avoid drama between beyotches that hate each other’s guts.  Teresa’s brother in law, Juicy Pete, comes up to the women saying hello, giving kisses, etc.  Kathy is pissed because she could have brought Richie if she knew that men were invited.  No Kathy, this is a GIRLS NIGHT, oh wait I am confusing cities, that’s New York where bringing a man to girls night is a cardinal sin.  Teresa asks Kathy if her face is shining, well at least she is aware of it.  Buy some blotting papers, Tre.  Oh wait, I forgot, you’re broke!

Creepy Angelo saunters up to the table and pours on the smarm.  “Melissa, do you remember me?”  A look of sheer terror comes over Melissa’s face and she nods her head and says “hello, how are you” through her clenched veneers.  After he finally leaves, she whispers to Kathy that she doesn’t remember where she knows him from.  Teresa comments that her heart “beating 500 again” and we get a “To Be Continued…”

That’s all for this penultimate episode, previews for the finale would lead us to believe that Teresa set this all up to expose Melissa’s sordid past and Joe is dragged into it and another feud erupts.  There’s speculation, texting from a mutual Teresa cohort, shady, disgusting behavior is going down in large quantities.

Gettin’ Schooled

School is back in session!   Melissa packs lunches while Joe serves the kids some pancakes before sitting down to their morning coffee with a side of scripted conversation about the end of the Napa trip.  Joe felt Caroline ruined the trip and Melissa has plans to call Jacs since she didn’t get to say goodbye before they hastily cut out of Napa.  Jacs had become a full-blown narcoleptic the minute the argument between Tre and Caroline erupted.


Across town, Teresa is waking her girls up for school and we learn that Milania is starting kindergarten and Teresa is worried about what will come out of her mouth.  Be afraid…very afraid…about as afraid as I am of that crazy feathered dress we see Teresa in, AGAIN!

Teresa calls to Juicy “you making the girls’ sangwiches?” and we see Juicy in a dead sleep underneath the leopard print sheets.  In the bathroom, Teresa is prepping the girls and it looks like Milania is going to wear a purple tutu on her first day.  Way to make an entrance, kid. 

There is an exchange between Milania and her older sister Gabriella.  Milania asks Gabriella if she will see her during the day and Gab explains that they will see each other at recess.  She quickly adds, “I cannot play with you, but I can see you.”  Solid plan, ice out your bat shit crazy little sister on the playground.  I can picture Milania behind the jungle gym, smoking a cigarette, “yeah, my older sister, she’s a real troll!”  Careful with that cigarette Milania, it will melt the tulle on your tutu faster than your mother can spin another “In Touch” story.

Juicy, the dumbshit, has stumbled out of bed looking like he just left Mickey Rourke’s hotel room, and he ends up sticking Milania’s name tag on the inside of her lunch box.  Gabrialla “schools” him and says Milania needs to wear the nametag on her shirt!  He mumbles “fo wha?” and Milania shouts “because no one knows my name!”  I am sure by the end of the day, everyone will know and fear Milania!  Meanwhile, at the Gorgas, Melissa is too busy videotaping Antonia’s walk down the three mile driveway and they miss the bus.

Rid of the children over age two, Juicy and Teresa sit down at the kiddie table in their kitchen to re-hash the Napa trip with their kiddie brains.  The episode wouldn’t be complete without these dueling scenes between the Goo-duh-chays and the Gorgites.  Juicy says he enjoyed the attack and Teresa said she is done with Caroline.  Juicy comments that he shouldn’t have said any of the nice things he said in his toast at Caroline’s birthday dinner, he should have told her to go dye her hair.  “Oh, you saw her roots?” Teresa asks.  I swear these two have such meaningful conversations.  They start Kathy bashing and Juicy says she looks like a stress doll, when you squeeze it the eyes pop out.  Teresa says that she trusts her husband in spite of the rumors going on.  We are treated to a flashback of shady Juicy behavior over the past few episodes.  Juicy is ready to leave the teeny tiny table of titillating talk, he has a “meeting” and needs to go.  She tells him if he cheats, she will kill him and he says he will bring a girl to the house, “just like old school”.

Rich and Kathy are having a parenting conversation over a glass of vino regarding Victoria going away to college.  Victoria comes out and Kathy asks what her plans for the day are, “going to the gym, the mawuhl”, oh and she set up a tour at the University of Maryland.  Much to Kathy’s chagrin, she is a bit worried about letting her baby go, but Richie is excited about having Kathy to himself.  Kathy gets teary, but tells Richie as soon as Victoria is gone, he will be a hot mess.  Which is true, we all saw how Richie treated Victoria’s prom date, which is child’s play compared to the open season it will be for Victoria when she is out of her parents clutches!

Jacs visits Melissa so they can break banana bread and re-hash the Teresa bash.  Meanwhile, Teresa stops by Kathy’s house to retrieve her shoes she left at the scene of the crime hot tub in Napa.  Kathy has prepared a salad and miniature quiches with a dollop of spite on top.  Sidebar:  It must be hot and humid in the Garden State, because Kathy’s hair is a frizzy mess and Teresa’s face is shining like a beacon.  Kathy brings up being left out of the toast and Teresa says that she left them out because then she would’ve had to mention Caroline’s kids.  Kathy calls bullshit, but quickly lets it go.

Meanwhile, Melissa and Jacs discuss the difference between being angry and hurt, then they move on to basic shapes and colors.  Bottom line:  Jacs is pissed she hasn’t heard from Teresa since the trip.

It must be the next day, because Melissa arrives at Casa de Caroline sporting her fedora and a bottle of wine in a leopard print gift bag.  However, Miss Caroline has no time to wallow in the Napa shrapnel.  She is working on her talking points for her upcoming Sirius radio show.  Melissa gets excited and wants Caroline to play her song, to which Caroline replies “I don’t know about that!”  She would rather star in a Tijuana donkey show.  Caroline shows Melissa her story board, which is largely inspired by the Teresa experience.  Her main topic is “when to end a friendship”, Melissa argues that she and Tre will get past this, but Caroline assures her she is El Manzo Dunzo.

The Wakile’s take a road trip to the University of Maryland to tour the school.  Richie asks if there is a bar on campus and Kathy tells the tour guides that he will basically be a complete ass for the duration of the tour.  Kathy turns into a freak and asks questions about where kids go grocery shopping and how they learn to do laundry, ummm…is there like, a class?  One of the tour guides says she did her own laundry in high school, “uht oh, someone is behind the eight ball already” says Richie.  The real kicker is the tour of the dorm room.  Victoria is shocked and she realizes how spoiled she is, especially when she realizes that TWO people share a room.  Kathy is dumbfounded by the cramped quarters, small closet space, and cinder block walls.  She compares it to prison and thinks maybe Victoria will back off of the whole “going away” thing.  Hmmm…a spacious room at home and folded laundry on your bed, albeit under Kathy’s clutches, or a life of underage binge drinking, no curfews, and hanging out with boys…unsupervised?  Joseph rather likes the dorm room because it’s bigger than his own room at home.  It’s obvious Victoria is the princess at the Wakile household.

Teresa is preparing to go to her “Fabellini” party and Melissa is babysitting the girls so that Teresa can get hammered and blow smoke up everyone’s asses in peace.  Melissa caravans the girls away for manis and pedis to a special children’s spa that is complete with a runway.  The girls are actually really cute and happy, having a nice time.  They talk about being cousins and Melissa lectures them about how important it is to be special cousins forever and they seal their special bond by purchasing friendship bracelets and posing for the camera, blowing kisses.

The Wakile’s take a tour around Washington D.C. and discuss the fact that the Capital Building is not the White House.  Richie waxes philosophical, reflecting on his first visit to D.C. in the 70’s.  Victoria admits she is a bit fearful of going away, but Kathy is starting to realize what a great opportunity it is.  Joseph does a fake sob and they all bond on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

The Manzo clan is in NYC to do the Sirius radio show and they take a moment to warm up and Lauren brings up the weight issues and how the Boyz II Manzos relentlessly teased her.  For someone so sensitive about that subject, Lauren brings it up quite a bit.  We get it, your brothers are ass brained chucklef*cks.  Serena, the program director, sees that there won’t be a lack of things to talk about.  Yes, it will be riveting.

Teresa is walking the red carpet at her Fabellini party and she has only invited close friends and family.  Which means none of the current housewives, but apparently one of her closest friends is a Liza Minnelli look-alike who is either having a seizure or poorly cutting a rug by the DJ table.  Jacs was not invited, “because she hurded me for no reason” says Teresa.  Of course, Jacs is also hurded by this, but what doesn’t hurded our fragile Jacs?  I wouldn’t want a friend that says “hurded” anyway!  The Fabellini party is hoppin’ and Juicy Joe screams “Give me a Fabellini before I FAB YO’ ASS, mother*cker!”  He is so charming, and socially presentable.

Once inside, Juicy Joe is slamming down some red wine, but Teresa tries to force feed him her latest libation cash cow.  He snubs the drink and says “I want my wine!”  Doesn’t Juicy realize that this sugary, bubbly, sparkly, alcoholy, pink substance that his wife is peddling is going to pay his cell phone bill?  With all that texting he does, he is surely over his data plan.  Outside, Caroline’s sister Dina walks up in some ridiculous shoes that cause her to trip and twist her ankle and the step-n-repeat backdrop, with a very disgusting drawing of Teresa’s face on it, falls to the ground.

Caroline is busy doing her radio show, but the phones are not ringing and she is dyin’ on the airwaves, dead Sirius!  Caroline takes a break to “wet her whistle”, the program director gives her some coaching on how to get the listeners calling.  Caroline tries to talk about the road trip on the radio show and she finally gets a phone call asking about the worst fight they had on the RV trip.  Caroline talks about knowing when to walk away from a friendship.  The next caller asks about Dina feud and Caroline explains that they are “not on the same page right now.”  However, Caroline tells us that she holds Teresa responsible for the wedge between her and Dina.  Because I am sure it was nothing YOU did, bulldog!  Actually, both Caroline and Dina have claimed that their rift has nothing to do with Teresa.

Back at the Fabulicious Fabellini party, Teresa tells Dina about the last night of the Napa trip and she flat out asks Dina if she thinks what she wrote about Caroline in the cookbook was offensive.  Dina soothes her, “no it was lighthearted and fun!”  Teresa says that Caroline doesn’t want to be her friend anymore and Dina says that is so 4th grade and the validate Teresa fest continues.  Although, Dina leaves Tre with this parting thought “If you ever write something bad about me in your book, I’ll f*ck you up!”  And I don’t think she is kidding.  Don’t let that face fool you, she’ll cut a bitch.

Next week, it’s the annual Posche Fashion Show!  Kim D. is back with a broke down road kill weave that even Honey Boo Boo wouldn’t be caught dead wearing.  Melissa’s alleged checkered past creeps up on her like an ill-fitting thong.  Looks like the pole plot thickens as we draw closer to the season finale.