Namaste, Bitches

Crazy caterwauling broads heading out for mandatory Bravo sponsored vaca from hell.  Melissa packed her entire hair and makeup team in her largest Costco Louis Vuitton knockoff.  Tre looking forward to celebrating the removal of her bedazzled ankle bracelet and knockin’ a few back, but alas…Jacs will be there and hell hath no fury like a broke ass beyotch who sits at home behind washing machine in basement dreaming up ways to make your prison life look like a productive trip to Wal-Mart.  Siggy has sufficiently analyzed everyone, stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts, and made she and Jacs late to the party.  They get shitty rooms in basement at Crystal Springs Resort, which is about 1/8th the size of one of their McMansions.

Handshake

Jacs giving Tre the cold shoulder even though not wearing cold shoulder top.  Siggy awkwardly introduces Tre and Jacs, as if they have never ripped out each other’s weaves.  Jacs extends a hand.  Tre appalled, clearly expecting fake-ass hug and air kisses.  Ladies sit down for dinner, discuss financial difficulties.  Is this really best subject?  Siggy’s hubby down and out when they met, stood by her man!  In 2008, Melissa faced the great diaper and Costco membership famine.  Rather than halt construction on their re-done home to meet the basic necessities of life, they decided to add on a 15th bathroom, for resale value y’know.

Ladies head outside for fireside chat, more drinks, s’mores, and some blankies-n-cuddles.  They discuss being career oriented and balancing fambly.  Welcome to the world, so nice of you to join us.  Jacs has overwhelming need for facial tissues.  Tre tries to turn mood around and invites everyone to her book signing party, which is hopefully foreshadowing for throwdown of some sort.  This Kumbaya shit sucks donkey ass.

Jacs hatches plan to phone the house husbands and trick them into thinking the women are brawling, which reflects faux-drama from the previews.  Thanks for nuttin’, Bravo!  Melissa livens it up, let’s play wine pong!  They all get hammered from chugging wine out of red Solo cups and go night-night!

Next day, everyone looks like they just barreled out of Willie Nelson’s tour bus, they sit, hungover, eating breakfast.  Jacs in basement, crying her false eyelashes off.  Siggy instant counseling sesh reveals Jacs has case of sads.  Housewives tawwwwlk about their kids, sports, sending Jacs into chasm of despair over Nicholas and his different types of victories.  Tre makes lame attempt to comfort, twirling Jacs’ ponytail, while promising her that Nicholas will someday make it to the cheer leading squad, for realz.

Jacs crying

Ladies head out to the pool, Melissa and Dolores have a poolside chat about Tre and Melissa still walking on eggshells around her beloved sissy-in-law.  Jacs can’t stop herself from being annoying.  She thinks they are talking about her and Tre, “would you like to share with the rest of the class, secrets don’t make friends!”  Neither do adults who ride the hot mess express.

They head inside to have spa treatments, not a moment too soon.  Jacs becoming more annoying by the sip.  Tre and Jacs in private room for body brushing mud treatment.  Tre offers herself to Jacs, “call me, I’ll drop Milania off at your house until she’s 18 everything for you and give you a car ride since you can’t act normal don’t like the highway, we’ll go to Cowwwwwstco!”  Jacs gets a case of all the feels…aww so sorry for inviting you to dinner at my house and launching a full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ bitch attack.  Watch out, the BFFL are back!

Everyone cooking dinner, group effort, all eyes on Tre and Jacs and the progression of their friendship renewal spa treatment.  That must cost extra.  Friendship contract not included.  Jacs waxes philosophical about friendship with Tre, they will grow old together, pluck each other’s’ mole hairs.  Siggy performs a rather bizarre demonstration, dumping olives in and out of a jar, basically calling Jacs deep and Tre simpleton.  Jacs about as deep as a bird bath and Tre too simple to pick up on the backhanded insult.

Tre feeling playful, Tre feeling like flipping something.  She flips tray of chocolate out of Melissa’s hands.  Melissa kinda pissed, Tre gets what she deserves, melted chocolate all over the ass of her Sears catalog velvet tracksuit.

Tre chocolate

Jacs acting crazier than a road lizard, accusing Dolores and Melissa of tawwwwlking about her again.  Siggy hears, rushes from kitchen to mediate situation.

Jacs Pointing Again

Melissa tired of the paranoia, foreshadowing for Melissa Jacs feud.  Next day, Tre leads yoga sesh, everyone wants Jacs to simma the fuck down.

Simma

Tre announces yoga stimulates farting and queefing.  Siggy stops in tracks, hold up, what’s queef?  They explain, oooh “vagina fart”.  Annnd…Namaste, bitches!

Yoga fart

Next time, Dolores finally lets Boo go and the non-dynamic duo makes an appearance at Tre’s book party.

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Home Improvements

Snow is falling in Jersey, we start with Dolores “I want to stand on my own two feet right after I squeeze every last dime out of former Mr. New Jersey for my kitchen remodel”.  While Dolores was out having her weave refreshed so it no longer smells like spaghetti O’s, Frank got to work.  No kitchen remodel for you.  We are refacing the cabinets with a kit we bought on clearance at Home Depot.  You’ll get nothing and like it.

Jacs is busily relieving her Teresa induced stress by shoveling her drive for the impending arrival of Siggy and Dolores.  Must rehash the Jacs/Tre rematch.  Jacs recounts.  Tre poking, bringing up four-year old fight, which they made up from three times.  Maybe they need to make up for each year?  Siggy analyzes.  Trigger points.  Verbal fencing.  Bill for $575 in mail to Jacs from Siggy’s office.

Dolores has bigger fish to fry.  Her beloved dog, Boo, is having kidney failure.  Throwing up all over her Versace sheet set.  Why she keeps him laying around the house is beyond me.  Siggy and Jacs show up in their finest bandannas and pigtails to throw some sledgehammers into flimsy drywall.

Jacs Pigtails

Dolores receives reality check phone call from her bidness partner, Maz, who wants her financially dependent on Frank ass at work.  Dolores admits she is riding gravy train with biscuit wheels and intends to ride cowboy Frank until he dies.  Dolores, seriously…get into your gym, do some squats, a burpee or twelve, and inspire your customers.  Siggy lays it down, do some adulting.  I’ll send a bill, or shall I just direct debit Frank’s checking account?

Meanwhile, Melissa feathers ruffled.  Cannot believe that see you next Tuesday, Jacs, put her hubby Joe on THE SPEAKER PHONE OF TRUTH.  Melissa summons Jacs for tête-à-tête so she can “nip it in the butt”.  Good luck with that.  Nipping butts = no storyline, no drama = no Bravo paycheck.

Jacs and Melissa have Mexican standoff.  Jacs fires up, waving acrylic nail of death in Melissa’s face.  Jacs isn’t buyin’ the “new Namaste Tre”.  They agree to discontinue tawwwlking about Tre.  Waiter intrudes.  Shut the hell up and eat your salads in awkward silence.

Jacs Finger Point

Siggy trying to establish traditions with her family, seeking advice from her parents.  Mother from Iraq and father survivor of holocaust.  Siggy feels she has compromised her heritage and has adopted being Italian.  Siggy’s father assures her that one day her sanctimonious children will appreciate the overbearing mothering.  Parents seem like sweet people, what the hell are they doing on this three-ring shit show?

Siggy talking with her son, apparently doesn’t know who Andrew Jackson is.  Siggy must not deal in $20 bills.  She announces the fambly will be having kiddish once or twice a month.  Kids are thrilled, not allowed to have their phones.  It’s FRIDAY NIGHT SIGGY, have you lost your dayum mind?!?!  Sophie protests, NO PHONE FOR YOU – ANOTHER WEEK!  Siggy is phone Nazi.  Wow, that joke in bad taste.  I appall myself.  Josh gets busted with his phone under the table, NO CAR FOR YOU!

Siggy Family

In other bratty kid news, Ass-lee tells Jacs that she is so happy she has young parents and Jacs is the “cool mom”.  Uh in what warped universe?  Ass-lee’s boyfriend Pete shows up for fambly dinner.  Jacs and Chris grill them about moving in together, but Chris warns them to slow down.  Pete awkwardly helps Jacs in the kitchen, but has ulterior motive.  Wants Jacs to assist him with engagement ring selection.  They hit “Diamond Jewelry Way”, the search for the perfect ring befitting a rotten, surgically altered, twenty something, with a grossly exaggerated sense of entitlement begins.  Pete zones in on a three carat cushion cut with a thin diamond band.  Hey, go big or go home.  Jacs reminds Pete how they can “upgrade over the years”.  UPGRADE FROM THREE KARATS, PEOPLE.  Great advice future MIL, live beyond your means so you may subsist on cat food and die penniless, while maintaining expressionless face via back alley botox.

It’s a big day at the Goo-Boo-Chay home, Juicy Joe has surgically removed Tre’s bedazzled ankle bracelet.  Milania and Audriana think the removal of the contraption means mommy will no longer have to “work”.  Ugh, these lame explanations.  Later, Juicy decants the wine as Tre greets Joe and Melissa.  Tre is feeling lighter than air, but what would be better is if she could get an “edamame” and have her pooper cleaned out.  Melissa clarifies, ENEMA?  Oy vey!  The term she is searching for is “colonic” and it has nothing to do with steamed, salted soybeans in the husk served at Japanese restaurants.  Tre recounts the blow by blow with Jacs.  Melissa whips out astrological chart and determines Jacs and Tre will never get along.  Melissa will chase them out of the figurative forest if they don’t knock their shit off.

Another unknown day and time, Tre calls fambly meeting to employ tactics she learned from Counselor Healy while “away at camp”.  Everyone must write down fambly improvements they would like to see.  Tre would like to see Juicy be “less rough” with the girls after witnessing him kick/slide Audriana under the bed whilst she was in full downward Ho pose.  Milania wants to eradicate her sisters and everyone needs to stop calling her fat.  Especially Juicy Joe.  Milania proceeds to read him like a trashy novel… “AND YOU’RE SO FAT!  You look like your pregnant and having, like, four babies!”  Milania’s other request is for Tre to put down her phone and pay attention to her.  PREACH SISTA!

It’s G to the ia’s turn.  Juicy Joe must contain his temper and Tre stop over reacting.  Tre shrieks…WHAAAAATTTT?  I’M SOOOOO MELLOW SINCE I’VE BEEN HOME FROM “CAMP”!  SEE, I DO YOGA!  As for Gabriella, she has nothing to say, bitch ain’t havin’ it.  Wants to get back to planning where she will bury the bodies.  The next day, the fambly goes indoor skydiving to celebrate Milania’s 10th birthday, which they are keeping “low key”.  Nothing says “low key” like a hot pink oversized Hummer.  In a sobering moment, Milania announces that she would like to go “real skydiving” for her 11th birthday, but it sinks in that at that time next year, Juicy Joe will be serving his turn “at camp”.  Positive note, Milania won’t have to approach her 11th birthday being called FAT by Mucinex slug of a father.  It’s called the prison diet Juicy Joe, get on it.

The drama is cued up for next week.  Melissa invites Tre to Crystal Springs for a girls trip by couching it as “celebration of the bedazzled ankle bracelet removal”.  We all know the paycheck hinges on drama, so it will be a Tre/Jacs intervention/explosion.

New Beginnings, Same Old Endings

Boring filler on undercard cast mates.  Dolores suspiciously close to her ex-husband Frank, we learn he is former Mr. New Jersey.  Dolores wants to redecorate on Frank’s dime.  Learn that Frank owns six gyms, Dolores partner in three of those gyms, and just launched her own gym.  Explains why she can’t let go of Frank.  Dolores bidness partner, Maz, drops bomb on her, need to sign 2,000 memberships within the first month in order to make the bills.  Also, Dolores needs to show up to work, inspire customers, “you look good for an old lady”.  Dolores lunges across the desk and gives him a right hook.  Most crucial thing learned?  Dolores’ son, Frankie, has abs that make young Brad Pitt look like a disgrace.

young brad

Siggy worried about her 13 year-old, received detention for using phone at school.  Siggy at a turning point.  Must revoke phone.  Sophie mouth breathing throughout lecture, asks for Dunkin’ Donuts, momentarily stops Siggy in her lecturing tracks to ponder thought of a chocolate glazed.  Not to be completely foiled, Siggy later takes both her children out for a lay down the law lunch.  Quickly goes south when li’l turds reveal that when they are with their dad for two weekends a month, he allows them to have girls, money, strippers.  Kids ask to talk for five minutes without interruption.  The iPhone timer mocks Siggy.  CANNOT.  CONTAIN.  MOTHERING.  COMMENTARY.  Siggy whips out Scarlet O’Hara fan to halt tears.  Kinda sad, Siggy is the disciplinarian, while dad is the party parent.  Takeaway here – Siggy needs to stop asking Jacs for parenting advice.

Melissa kids in a fashion show.  Antonia has the G to the ia pose down pat.  Geno got his start when he walked for OshKosh B’gosh and did a stint for Garanimals, he’s an ol’ pro.  Tre and Milania attend show for support.  The Gorga kids kill it and Milania actually behaves and stays seated.  Later at celebration dinner, li’l Joey makes an announcement.  “I love everyone at this table”.  Sure kid.  Easy for you to say, everything is rainbows and lollypops when you’re about to crush that glorious pot of mac-n-cheese before you.

Tre is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Psychologically prepping to deal with Jacs.  Her house décor is so hideous, it looks like Wickes liquidated and then donated the leftovers.  Milania wrestles Audriana to the ground, providing her with excruciating noogies.  Audriana runs to mom for safety, but Tre is waiting with hot tweezers, ready to pluck the first errant eyebrow she sees.  Milania puts on her sumo wrestler suit and shouts from the rooftop, “I want a brother!”  All we learn here is li’l Milania has some brawn to her and she takes after her father.  She even uses Juicy’s crazy, cranking, stretching machine and can’t “do yoga” with Tre without breaking her butt.

juicystretchig

Meanwhile, Chris lectures Jacs and urges her to behave.  They must stay on television with their fake storyline if their Li’l Kernel snack system is to ever get off ground!  Juicy Joe and Tre arrive at Jacs’ bearing case of bathtub wine and dry cured meats.  Juicy and Chris slink away to the man cave to hit da’ sausage and sauce.  Tre is left in the kitchen with Jacs and a pot of boiling water.  I have to give Tre props, she looks pretty fantastic.  Prison diet did her well.  Should be her next book.  It’s all puppies and bacon until the two start their journey down memory lane.  They hash, smash, and rehash the past and it escalates quickly.

Escalated quickly

Somehow, Joe Gorga gets brought up for saying something about each of the ladies to the other…don’t trust her, she’s an asshole, or some shit.  Jacs has the solution, get Joe on the SPEAKERPHONE OF TRUTH!  Luckily, Joe is quick on his feet, he slipped and hit his head and has no memory from four years ago.  He can also now speak fluent Portuguese.  Tre on mission to eliminate toxic people from her life, then she should exit, stage left.  Tre tries to put Jacs in her place, she didn’t question Jacs about her legal issues, but Jacs fires back… “mine wasn’t a criminal case, we didn’t file fraudulent bankruptcy like you did.”  Tre is about to flip the kitchen island, but it’s securely fastened to the faux linoleum with liquid nails.  Tre screeches, low blow, let’s go Joe.  Men are clueless, half in bag, cured meat fat stuck between their incisors.  Juicy wants to continue bro-ing out with Chris, he hasn’t eaten enough prosciutto to make the trip worthwhile.  Jacs storming around dining room, pleather pants swishing.  Tre whips on her faux fur, bolts out door.  Chris upset, he senses Juicy was about to ask him to be on his prison contact list!  Jacs throws hands up, “she had a curfew anyway”.  Real winner here is Chris, Juicy left behind his full wine cooler on wheels.

Tre storms out

Next time, Jacs graduates to a pleather top and she gets into it with Melissa.

Downward Dawg

Melissa preps for grand opening of Envy, steps in dog poop, tracks into shop, wipes on low-rent Carrie Bradshaw’s tutu.  Gay assistant not sure what to do.  Jazz hands aflutter.  Back at Gorga home, inmates running the asylum.  Dog wearing British flag coat?  Joe self-admitted cave man, can’t find his way out of parenting paper bag.  Watching his own children for two hours, not in “Marriage Contract of Oppression” – not to be confused with Cynthia Bailey “Friendship Contract of Doom”.  Children being especially rambunctious, producers have plied them with pixie sticks and red bull.  Gorga spawn giving us full-blown, petal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ Milania!  Joe caves, calls Melissa, begging ensues.  “You’re dealing with clothes!”  Melisa match point – “Man up and figure it out!”

Gorga Kids

Across town, Tre headed to studio to record audio book.  Chats with lawyer, Google alerts!  Juicy Joe Mucinex slug is cheating bastard.  Nonsense, nonsense.  What is not nonsense?  Tre has paid restitution in full.  First step toward her independence…you watch.  She will ditch that slug of a husband by season 12.  Tre becomes emotional reading the dedication, can’t move past page vii.  Never mind emotions, smoking sound editing equipment due to mis-pronunciations!  CAN’T.  RECOGNIZE.  WORDS.  Tre faced with selecting book cover photo, reflects on her bad hair in a pick taken after removing prison “corn rolls”.  Tre reflects, prison doubles as marriage strengthener.  Juicy Joe showing more Mucinex slug style appreciation.  Book cover revealed, housewife to inmate, and back again.  Next stop, divorce book tour.

Downshift to Siggy squeaking, meets Jacs to stress eat French fries and drink wine.  Siggy issues, 13-year-old daughter selecting clothing from infant section, son covered in hickeys.  Upshift to Tre, Siggy likes Tre, talks without thinking.  Yea, all carnival fun-n-games until Tre eats your new face lift off.  Siggy rock climb date, plans to confront Tre on tabloid cheating rumors.  Jacs scary face, warns – ABORT – DO NOT ASK ABOUT TABLOIDS!

Later, Siggy confronts Tre about rumors, Tre handles like champ on surface, seething cauldron of psychosis bubbling underneath.  Knows Jacs is behind this.  Siggy offers her “relationship expertise”, here’s my card, I’m closed on Wednesdays.

Dolores’ daughter washing guinea pig in the good Tupperware in the living room.  She is in veterinary school, hence her love of bathing animals in containers to later be used for leftover lasagna.

Jacs and Chris at foreclosing McMansion.  Learn of new bidness venture, Little Kernel, GMO and gluten free popcorn for special needs children.  About as viable a market as alarming black water.  Jacs isn’t in it for the money, must push though, need butt lift.

Night of Envy party, atomic contouring, Spanx screaming.  Everyone exchanging pleasantries, Ass-lee calls out Tre 2.0 – it’s a joke, a fake, will the real Tre Goo-Boo-Chay please stand up?

Joe Gorga breaks ice by modeling red cut out dress.  All he achieves is casting high level of awkwardness over crowd and his lactating moobs destroy dress fabric.

Chris and Jacs elude to “get together” with Tre and Juicy Joe, smoke, drink, get foolish.  Tre can’t drink until February, li’l convict ankle monitor will spontaneously combust.  She may lose leg.

Moment we’ve all been waiting for.  Milania finally relieved of manscaping duty!  Flashback of Milania working the three speed back shaver, tells father, “you smell like raw cookie dough.”  I guess that’s better than smelling like taco grease and ass cheese.

Toenails

Tre assumes prison bitch pose and requests Juicy “DO YOGA”.  Juicy Joe assumes unsavory convict pose.  Flashback, Juicy Joe flexible as silicone oven mitt.  Tre hints cheating is not tolerated as she fastens her protective eyewear, cuts his toenails down to the quick, drawing blood.  Juicy upper lip sweating, snorting, grunting, saved by the bell.  Chris calls to invite them for dinner as long as it’s within the allowable traveling perimeter of Tre’s li’l convict ankle monitor.

Joe Yoga

Two weeks, the inevitable Tre and Jacs showdown.