Insane Search Terms That Turn Up My Blog – Volume I

I can’t take credit for this idea, I have to give props to the Goddess that is “The Blogess”.  You will find a link to her blog on my blog roll on the right hand side of this page.  Check out her blog and her best-selling books, she is truly talented and delightfully hilarious!  I command you to read her shit, you will not regret it.

WTF

She posted a column a while ago about “utterly fucked up” terms that people type into their search engines, which led them to her blog.  I took a gander at my own statistics to see what search terms lead people to realityweecap.com.  After I re-hinged my jaw and blotted the tears of laughter from my face, I decided I would share these with the world.  You’re welcome America…

  • Close up war prisoner boob suck (because if I was a war prisoner – I would definitely want my boob suck to be as close up as humanly possible)
  • Janky jeggings (as opposed to the non-janky kind)
  • Christian ponder penis (yea, well you don’t need to be a Christian for that!)
  • You need bleaching you need to trim down those donkey teeth real who invited all these tacky people painting? (judgmental internet troll…anyone?)
  • Pimpin ain’t easy dentist (no, it ain’t easy, just ask my dentist!)
  • Wearing white pants tame the beast (oh, so that’s how you tame the beast)
  • Chaka Khan nipples (insert sound of needle scratching off of record here)
  • Cornball ass rodeo (finally, a place I can wear my janky jeggings!)
  • You smell like ulterior motives (ah, yes I love the smell of ulterior motives in the springtime)
  • Somebody stole his shoulders (I was wondering where they went!)
  • Joy air compressor (spreading happiness around the world since 1650)
  • Lord have mercy, i know before the end of this lovely luncheon flipping flapper knacks baby banana snausage kerfuffle hey nice claws that tree was unattended just like you said my kid was (have you just completely given up on life?)
  • Hand crank meat slicer (a staple in every household!)
  • The argument peachy keen strangle (someone call a doctor)
  • Julie wolf tranny (I met her at the cornball ass rodeo, she was wearing janky jeggings)
  • Black ass wet (white ass dry?)
  • Low down dirty bitches (single handedly reviving the Bravo television network)
  • Middle aged in hot tub (must have been searching for “Extreme Cougar Wives” related material)
  • Slam dunkin’ like Vladimir (The Russians are so good at basketball, they now have their own idiom)
  • You gotta get low to get high (TRU ‘DAT!)
  • Mature Mexican bitches (never met one I didn’t like)
  • Is blood thicker than Jaegermeister (you terrify me)
  • Small moobs (because if you’re a man with moobs, one would hope they are small)
  • Big pimpin’ pappy Florida (yeah, I saw him big pimpin’ with my dentist)
  • Jim Carey moobs (I hope they are small)
  • It is disgusting to jump out of a box (yes, so gross)
  • Girl 2.0” tranny (BFFL to Julie, the wolf tranny)
  • I ain’t got no time for no bacterial vaginosis (yea, well…who does?)
  • Girl with a plunger that says it keeps brining up old shit (no shit, pun intended)
  • Skinny with moobs (even better)
  • You dumb homo tool you’re snapping wrong (he needs to go back to the Tool Academy)
  • Phaedra booty is eating my g string nom nom (somebody grab the jaws of life!)
  • Hillbilly handfishin’ moobs (now we’re gettin’ somewhere!)

Burn Baby, Burn

The ladies have returned from Puerto Rico and Nene only has a small showing this week, which is okay because I’m sick of looking at her ill-fitting wigs.  Man servant Gregg has been let out of the basement for some sunlight, exercise, and to pick up Nene at the airport.  As she teeters through the parking garage, she begins to rehash the vacation drama as Gregg just nods and smiles.  That’s right, agree with everything she says and you might get an extra blanket to keep you warm in the basement.  Nene actually does acknowledge that her comments about Claw-dia’s va-jay-jay were way out of line and Gregg nails it, “sounds like NayNay came out!”  WORD!

Meanwhile, Cynthia rehashes with hubby Peter and her trouble making sister, Mal.  Cynthia serves up a mix of Puerto Rican rum and Welch’s pink lemonade as they enjoy hearing about the epic reading delivered by newcomer Claw-dia.  Yes, she read the legendary Nene within an inch of her ass and Peter decides he likes Claw-dia already, struggle toes unseen.  Mal, handling the bidness end of things, inquires on the status and validity of the infamous friend contract and we are treated to a flash back of the signing ceremony.  Hair and makeup was much less complicated back then.  Mal runs to Cynthia’s Rubbermaid tub of important papers and discovers the friend contract, Cynthia grabs it and deems it appropriate that the friend contract leave this world the same way it came in, ready to spontaneously combust like flammable adhesive barely holding on to a ramen noodle wig.

Burn Contract

In Kandi and Todd news, they pay a useless Bravo cross-over visit to Dr. Jackie from “Married to Medicine”.  Apparently Todd needs to have his swimmers tested since Kandi is ready, willing, and able to conceive.  Dr. Jackie gives Todd his choice of sample container sizes, junior miniature, passable intermediate, and “Mandingo style.”  Umm… Eww.  Todd is sent marching to the “mastrubatorium” and Dr. Jackie furnishes him with EZ glide and hand sanitizer so he can serve up a sample.  After finding out that Todd is cleared for takeoff, Kandi summons Riley and Kaela to the kitchen for the awkward moment of the night.  She asks the girls why they are avoiding each other, and oh by the way, get out the glitter glue and help mommy create her ovulation calendar!  Umm…Eww.  Kaela addresses why she and Riley don’t hang out, it seems Riley spends most of her time holed up in her 400 square foot bedroom staring at her 60” flat screen TV which receives 4,832 channels.  Later we see the gang having some family time at the go-kart track and Kandi surprises Todd with a belated birthday present, a brand new Corvette.  Todd seems less than enthused and they clearly have a skewed family dynamic.  It seems Kandi’s solution to strained family relationships is to buy their happiness and love with lavish presents.

In Phaedra-land, she is checking in with her latest client, Derek J., to remind him to keep documentation to prove the “hair burglar” claim is hurting his bidness.  Everybody knows all we have is “our good name and a good pair of pumps, girl.”  Her mother drops by to shoot the shit and they discuss Apollo’s impending self-surrender date.  Meanwhile, Apollo attempts to soften an awkward discussion by plying his boys with fro-yo.  He explains to Ayden that daddy is “in trouble”, which is why he will not see them until they are teenagers and have children of their own.  All this translates to in li’l Ayden’s mind is that daddy will be in permanent time out.  He is trying to impart to the boys that he loves them, blah, blah, blah, but Ayden has such a cheerful disposition, all he can focus on is his brother and his tub o’ fro-yo topped with gummy bears and sprinkles.  Apollo needs to relinquish his place on the show, do this shit in private, and just go away.

Ayden-Yogurt

Cynthia is planning a road trip to Charlotte, NC for the grand opening of “Sports One”, which is Peter’s new sports bar version of “Bar One”.  As we like to call them “Failure #1” and “Failure #2”.  Cynthia dials up Kenya, who answers the phone “this is twirl”.  Umm… Eww.  It’s a three hour drive to Charlotte, which Twirl scoffs about, and then she demands a five star hotel, wardrobe, and a full hair and makeup team.  Cynthia bursts her twirling bubble by telling her they will be at the Holiday Inn Express with some wet-naps and a comb.

Later, Kenya arrives at Cynthia’s house for the road trip and Cynthia reveals that she has packed extra clothing to include a few pieces for Claw-dia in case she needs to borrow something.  Translation, Claw-dia is a bit challenged in the fashion department, which would mean that Nene’s Puerto Rico insults may have been on target.  They pile into Claw-dia’s rental car and realize they can’t possibly make it to Charlotte and spend 12 hours applying makeup, gluing on hair, and be on time to the opening of “Failure #2”.  Cynthia calls Phaedra to see if she is en route, but Phaedra has a “dentist appointment” that she can’t cancel and then she has bible study.  Kenya reaches for Cynthia’s phone and hangs up on Phaedra and calls bullshit.  But really, who wouldn’t rather have a root canal than attend yet another opening for yet another one of Peter’s doomed bidness ventures?

Heck, these gals are on a road trip, and they need to do road trip like things.  To hell with being late!  They need to make a pit stop at the Chic-Fil-A to order the entire menu twice, Kenya needs to wedge her stallion booty out the window of the moving car, and she must request to hear her own song at the gas station so she can twirl out of the sunroof while singing off key.

Road Trip

Meanwhile, in Charlotte, the opening at “Sports One” is on and poppin’ and Peter has invited his buddy and new bidness partner, Kordell Stewart.  Ugh…I can smell Kordell through the TV, it’s a hard mix of designer imposter Drakkar Noir and damp dog.  Back at the hotel, Cynthia and Kenya start dressing up Claw-dia, as if she were “Completely Given up on Life, Hot-Mess Barbie”.  Cynthia is hoping Claw-dia can meet a quality man at the new sports bar because “sports bar means ballers”.  Actually, Cynthia, sports bar usually means hammered overgrown man-babies playing darts and pissing on their Nike’s in the parking lot.

The ladies finally show up to the bar, albeit three hours late.  Kenya and Claw-dia latch on to Kordell immediately and eventually, all five of them sit down at an oversized table.  They have drinks, but don’t need appetizers, because they throw Kordell on the grill with a li’l basting sauce, and ask about his dating status.  Kenya is pushing for Claw-dell to become an actual thing, but we all know that our resident twirling nut job only wants to see Claw-dia and Kordell unite because it would send Porsha (Kordell’s ex-wife and Kenya’s mortal enemy) into such a tailspin she would wave a scepter at herself and proceed to rip out her own weave.

Kordell hints that he would be interested in the formation of Claw-dell, but single Claw-dia exercises her good judgment skills and notes that it could get a wee bit messy since she and Porsha ignore each other in the bathroom and kitchenette area at work.  Peter cannot get enough of Claw-dia and as he gushes over her, Cynthia tries to reel him in.  Proving Claw-dia is our winner this season, she makes light of Peter’s drooling affection toward her and jokes that she has bad feet and corns on every toe, thus diffusing the situation.  The gang leaves Claw-dia and Kordell alone and they decide to take a selfie and exchange numbers, with the caveat that Kordell cannot be calling Claw-dia after 11 p.m. and be all heavy breathin’ an’ shit.  Claw-dia later rejoins the girls and they toast to friendship.

Selfie

Next time, Kenya takes another fake meeting with Roger Bobb, Kandi has a meltdown over a staffing issue, Porsha and Claw-dia engage in a good ol’ fashioned meow-down, and Apollo threatens Phaedra.

Keepin’ it 100

It’s the tail end of the heated read-off and the insults continue to fly between NayNay and Claw-dia like ravenous tropical gnats.  What I find comical is that everyone is distracted by the revolting read-off, except Kandi.  She is grubbin’ down like the li’l food-savvy opportunist she is.  She is gonna pounce on them cheese fries while the gettin’ is good!  One of the best knock-backs here is when NayNay rips on Claw-dia’s Forever 21 spaghetti strap dress, and Claw-dia counterblasts by suggesting NayNay consume less spaghetti in her diet.  All NayNay can come up with is “Girl…BYE!” to which Claw-dia responds, “really, are you leaving?”  Annnnnnd it’s Claw-dia for the win.

Nene-Reading

Team Beauty retreats to a separate corner to regroup with their constituents and find another bar.  Claw-dia apologizes to Demetria, Kenya, and Cynthia for being so ratchet and she can’t believe she sunk to the depths of NayNay vileness.  But read that raggedy ass bitch, she did, and quite adeptly I may add!

Back at the table, NayNay continues to insult Claw-dia and her “folded under bob”, but that doesn’t compare to Nene’s “ramen noodles glued to her forehead.”  In addition, we still have to look at that janky ass wig that Nene has been sporting in her one-on-one interviews with the camera.  If Ms. Leakes is raking in all that coin as she asserts, it’s time to find a new wig gay.

When harsh light of day hits, Nene expresses a morsel of remorse over lunch with Phaedra and Porsha.  Maybe the root of the problem last night was a phenomenon known as “Hanger” – being extremely angry when hungry.  Dayum bitches need to eat some spare ribs.  Kandi informs us she has planned a Bedroom Kandi re-do party on the beach for later (not to be confused with RHNJ re-done home).  The beauties hit the town for some drinks with high concentrations of alcohol and they are still reveling over Claw-dia’s legendary read.

Later, Demetria pays a visit to Phaedra to clear the air with her prior to the do-over beach party.  Demetria apologizes for crossing a boundary and Phaedra states that the Apollo bashing was “day old” stuff, she compares Demetria to a pigeon scavenging for crumbs, and wants to let bygones be just that.  However, our resident southern belle will not offer an apology to save her wig or her Targét (pronounced Tar-zjayyyy) undies.  They do the Bravo mandated “agree to move forward and hug it out”, but Phaedra still manages to throw a jab by questioning Demetria’s choice of boy shorts as undergarments.

The gang heads to the beach re-do party and Porsha is dressed like a blind hooker walkin’ the third shift stroll.  Kandi starts out with a game like hot potato, but they have to pass a dildo to each other using only the fleshy part of their thighs.  There is no music, so Demetria has to sing and when she stops, whomever is holding said dildo between the fleshy part of her thighs is out.  As if this was not odd enough, Kandi also has a bottle of Bosco and a pyramid of Bubble Tape on her prop table.  Porsha is successful at the game, because according to Kenya, “she is holding on to the dildo like it had bought her a Rolls Royce”.

It’s the day of Demetria’s big performance and the Beasts are lounging on the beach, while the Beauties (and Claw-dia’s struggle toes) hang out at the hotel pool shouting “Arrivederci!” to the barely legal bartender.

After the day of separate relaxation, the gang boards the party bus to hell Demetria’s big night.  Nene starts out with a speech about all the shots that have been taken at one another, yet they cannot take each other’s acc-oo-lades away.  Heck, she is feeling sooo good that she is going to give everyone two tickets to see her on Broadway!  Claw-dia attempts to offer a similar statement about acc-oo-lades, but the two quickly lock horns.  Nene, still weak from being read within an inch of her life, actually apologizes to Claw-dia.  Cynthia nudges Claw-dia to just accept the apology and run because it’s more than anyone else has ever gotten from Nene.  Claw-dia then removes her earrings and goes after Porsha for accepting a car from her married African boyfriend and Kenya jumps on this like it’s an oversized genetically modified chicken wang.  Porsha says to Claw-dia “you’re a contradictory!”, and Claw-dia laughs at Porsha for fumbling a two-syllable word.  Somehow all the fighting has caused the party bus driver to have a seizure and the gang arrives at Club Caribe about 20 minutes late.  Demetria is half way through with her ballad, her misguided ice dancer mullet dress is fading fast, and LAWD would someone please get her some blotting papers, STAT!?!?!?

Demetria-Sing

Demetria finishes the ballad and strikes up her bound to be hit song “Keepin’ it 100” and Da’ Bratt makes a 10 second cameo appearance.  Phaedra admits that Demetria “can blow” (actually sing) and the gang gathers after the show to congratulate Demetria and take a group photo, as if they actually exist in harmony.  Next week, Kandi and Todd have some fertility tests, Cynthia finally burns her friend contract with Nene, Phaedra prepares to bid Apollo adieu, and Claw-dia says “Well, Hello” to Kordell Stewart.

Crazy Eights

This week, Claudia’s “struggle toes” reveal themselves and well…they ain’t cute.  Her handsome podiatrist diagnoses her with an advanced case o’ da’ corns and a bunion, which will require surgery and a surgical boot for two weeks.  Since the gals are headed out on an all-expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico (Courtesy of Demetria via Roger Bobb’s mythical wallet), Claw-dia (get it?) decides to forgo the surgery and will bury her falcon toes in the Puerto Rican sand.

Claudia-Feet

Kandi meets Demetria for lunch so she can apologize for the Goche-bomb dropped at the dildo party (because that’s something that never happens at a gathering of this group).

Dropped Bomb

Demetria is very cool about it because she is more interested in kissin’ some Kandi ass.  She proclaims her love and respect for Kandi, calling her a “Mogul” and then suggests they collaborate on something.  Kandi quickly refers to recent case law “Burruss vs. Wigs-n-Cigs”, which prohibits Kandi from working on any project with anyone in the ATL housewives ring of stolen profits.  They continue on to discuss Kandi’s sex toy line… only in the ATL does a lunch conversation over fish tacos wrap up with a consolation prize of remote controlled vibrating panties and the phrase “hold it under his balls.”

Meanwhile, Cynthia is hard at work at the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models when her new BFF, Kenya, shows up to discuss assistance with hiring an assistant.  Kenya needs an assistant because shit-pot-stirring is a full time job!  This whole meeting of the mind (yes, that is singular) is merely a front so these two can firm up their anti-Nene alliance and trash talk her privately (on national television), prior to reporting for duty at the dinner table of death in Puerto Rico.

Nene and Phaedra drop by a studio to confirm that Demetria can actually sing.  They sit down for a pow-wow and the subject quickly turns to Roger Bobb, who by the way, will not be in Puerto Rico.  If we hadn’t seen Roger Bobb taking a fake meeting with Kenya a few episodes ago, I would think he didn’t exist.  Demetria reassures the gals that she confronted Roger Bobb about the gauche Gocha incident, but he pulled a Ross Gellar from “Friends”.  He clarified that his indiscretion with the Smurf-haired Gocha was during a time when “they were on a break”.  Nene and Phaedra roll their eyes in unison and Nene offers Demetria some sage advice “the dog chases the cat!”  Phaedra, with dogged determination, begins drilling Demetria about her career.  She sounds like Simon Cowell… “Who are you?”  “Who is Demetria as an artist?”  “What genre is ‘me’?”  “Aren’t pop stars younger?  You should be doin’ gospel by now!”  They continue to discuss the eight long years that Demetria and RB (Roger Bobb) have been on-again off-again and Phaedra “the hammer” Parks continues to pound… “Eight years, what are you waitin’ for, a liver transplant?”  Demetria defends her relationship, RB knows that she is “itchin’ for something more” to which our deft Phaedra replies “well just as long as it’s not bacterial vaginosis, CHILE…”  They wrap up their review of Demetria’s IMDB page and Phaedra learns that Demetria played a crack head in “House of Payne” and asks if Demetria has ever done crack, because everybody knows that they put gerbils up their butt in Hollywood, so doing a li’l crack is nothing.

Nene-Phaedra-Visiting Demetria

The Hot Mess Express delivers the girls to Puerto Rico in teams, first we have Team Beauties consisting of Cynthia, Kenya, Claudia, and rookie Demetria.  Team Beasts is Phaedra, Porsha, and Nene (or shall we say NayNay, because her unhinged, hood-rat, alter ego is the one actually on this trip), and rounding out the trifecta is Team Neutral:  Kandi, party of one!

As the ladies are arriving and grumbling about the smallness of their boutique hotel rooms, we are treated to a variety of scenes, but the most important is Demetria’s “divide and conquer” strategy when it comes to Phaedra.  She briefs Kandi and Porsha first, stating she “can’t get a fix on Phaedra”.  Of course, Kandi defends her BFF and shoots Demetria down like an asteroid.  Demetria then turns to Team Beast, who she deems “the fun group”, and Kenya spoon-feeds Demetria the straight dope on our resident southern belle and suggests that Demetria confront shady Phaedra as soon as humanly possible.

Demetria-Plea

NayNay and Phaedra arrive later and while NayNay whines about the size of her room, Phaedra straps on her magnifier reading glasses and has them turnt up to atomic blast.

Phaedra-reading glasses

First, she insults Demetria’s stylist, “Oh you’re the stylist… now this you’re on point with”.  Clearly irked by the emphasis and tone on the word this, he waits for Phaedra to leave, gives a twirl that Kenya would be proud of, and calls Phaedra “late, old, and dry.”  Later, NayNay and Phaedra visit with Porsha the dumbass in hopes to trade rooms, but all Porsha has to offer is the fact that Demetria feels somekindaway about Phaedra.  I reckon Porsha was just hitting her cue, we needed to have the beef on the table before the impending mandatory group dinner of doom.

Porsha-Dumbass

At said group dinner, Demetria wastes no time diving into the beef and she confronts Phaedra straight away about the tactless line of questioning about RB and her career.  Phaedra’s plays the “I’m just being honest”. keepin’ it 100 defense, which is about as worn out and tired as the thighs of an old hooker.  In response, Demetria hands her a mathematically challenged, one two punch, “the only thing we have in common is the number eight”, referencing the length of Apollo’s prison sentence and the length of time Demetria and RB have been together (albeit forgetting to carry the one and subtract the pesky li’l breaks!)

The beef between Phaedra and Demetria continues, but we only hear them caterwauling in the background because NayNay starts making cracks and Claudia will no longer hide her hammertoes in the sand.  She dives on NayNay, the “founding father of shadiness” in her “George Washington wig”.  At the other side of the table, Cynthia tries to facilitate an apology between Demetria and Phaedra, then NayNay goes off on her for meddling.  Claudia pipes up and notes they are being bitchy and catty, they need to put the issues on the table, and resolve them like grown ass women.  Oy, Claudia, have you not seen this show?  NayNay labels Claudia as the wanna be “it” girl, “you got the I, but you are missing in the T, proceed with caution.”

Claudia-Disgusted

As NayNay and Claudia trade insults about educational backgrounds, former stripper careers, uncooked hot ramen noodle wigs, having edges at a certain age, half-breed whores, and female body parts that rhyme with Dolores, Kandi comments that Claudia is reading NayNay like hooked on phonics!  Which she is, and props to Claudia for speaking up.  Next week the reading continues, we find out if the damn southwestern eggrolls make it to this dinner table, and the rest of the Puerto Rico trip continues to disintegrate.

Bad Vibes

We start this week with Cynthia and Peter visiting their prospective location for the revamp of the ill-fated Bar One.  They have found an old building that, according to their realtor, is right next to an old funeral home that housed the body of Martin Luther King Jr.  Cynthia takes this as “a sign”, but I take it as “a sign” that maybe he attended the same history class as Porsha.  Cynthia swoons over the outdoor area that looks like it was housing an illegal orphanage, but even though the place is a hot mess, Cynthia sees the dim light at the end of the tunnel.

Meanwhile, at a successful business, Kandi has a brief meeting with Claudia at the Kandi Factory and Claudia is clearly networking and trying to find her footing in this established ensemble of full blown bat shit cray cray.  Kandi tells her that Kandi Koated Nights will be making a comeback and she invites Claudia to be a guest.  On the show premiere night, Claudia asks the Production Assistant fetch her some wine with very specific instructions, “fill it up all the way to the top, don’t be stingy on that!”  The topic of the show is bidness vs. pleasure and Kandi notes that she and Todd have a hard time finding a balance, they are always talking bidness in the bedroom.  Kandi hints at some illicit activity between Claudia and former co-worker Jaimie Foxx, but Claudia insists they were like brother and sister.  They play a little gamelette called “What would you do for the right price?” and Claudia will only go as far as a make out sesh with Kandi for $500, luckily this is all hypothetical.

Claudia-Wine

Phaedra is wandering around on her driveway with some contractors to discuss the installation of a fence, preferably electrified with enough juice to jolt an intruder with the white hot heat of 1,000 suns (this means you, Apollo!)  Apollo must sense the jig is up and the locks are about to be changed, because he rolls up off the streets and starts acting like he’s part of this home improvement decision.  The ATL skies start to sprinkle and Phaedra takes her cue, she must get inside because she is “all sugar” and will surely melt.

Phaedra-Fence

Later, Phaedra is hard at work at her jobsssss, she heads off to an event where she will be recognized by the National Bar Association as one of the top attorneys in the nation, or something.  Seeing as how we don’t see much of Phaedra’s lawyering skills, aside from the case of She by Sheeree’s divorce proceedings and the recent hairburglar case, it’s hard to imagine she would be receiving such a high honor.  At any rate, Phaedra says she contemplated declining the award, but her “at the end of the day” speech reveals that she will not let her personal life disgusting, felon, taco-meat chest haired, no good, ne’er do well husband tarnish her professional life.

Kenya and her Aunt Lori (her personal Iyanla) visit a spa to have some cereal put on their faces and drink plant-based green smoothies.  There isn’t much to this interaction other than Kenya taking the opportunity to put Nene on blast for having extensive plastic surgery and to receive some praise from her Aunt Loriyanla for pretending to be the bigger, better person for smoothing things out with Porsha and Nene.  About as smooth as that facial…

Kenya-Facial

Nene is busily ordering around her man servant hubby Gregg, and she has unchained him from the toilet long enough to sift through all of her boxes from Overstock.com.  While Gregg toils away wondering if African soap is only for Africans, Nene gets a call from her manager and he lays out three Broadway opportunities for her:  Chicago, Rock of Ages, and Cinderella.  Nene doesn’t like the idea of being the “wicked step mother” in Cinderella because she is truly delusional such a nice person.  Her agent encourages her to step outside the box, push out of her comfort zone, oh and by the way…it will be a nice check.  Nene is no longer Donald Trump rich bitch, she is Broadway Cinderella rich!

Nene-Cinderella

Kandi is prepped and ready for the Bedroom Kandi party, where only ladies are permitted.  No men allowed, in light of the especially disastrous “Pillow Talk” event, where Apollo beat a defenseless Brandon within an inch of his Gucci loafers.  Nene, who is not even wearing one of her patented “cold shoulder” tops, is certainly dishing out the ice.  She snubs Kenya and compares her to a drunken “one night stand” and she dismisses Claudia as if she were the hired help.  Claudia pulls Nene aside to confront her, but Nene brushes it off as “that’s just Nene” (i.e., why yes, I am an asshole) and Nene also claims that Claudia associates with people she doesn’t like (i.e., everyone else living and breathing in society).  Kandi has a “sexologist”, Dr. Rachel Ross, who will facilitate this strange get together and she wants to start with an ice breaker bondage game.  Confirming their increasingly tenuous relationship, Cynthia and Nene refuse to participate, so Dr. Rachel bonds Claudia and Nene together, which they both tolerate.

Next, the ladies talk about their relationships and Demetria introduces herself and states that she has been off and on with Roger Bobb for seven years, she would accept a honey nut Cheerio glued to a twist tie for an engagement ring if only he would ask, oh and his man parts are exquisite.  WTMI.  Kandi’s friend, blue haired Gocha, chimes in right on cue… she dated Roger Bobb as well, and not that long ago.  When Roger was in Vegas with Demetria, he informed Gocha that Demetria was “just his artist.”

Goche

Demetria looks like the cheese just fell off her cracker and she and her Overstock.com pant suit walk out, with Cynthia trailing.  Nene, the soul-crushing relationship expert, points out to the group that dating for seven years is a red flag, especially when you are 40 years old.  Outside, Demetria insists Gocha is lying about her exquisite Mr. Bobb.

Back inside, Dr. Rachel unintentionally provides a pixelated, multi-racial dildo metaphor – and we see that relationships are not always black and white.

Dildos

Next week, Claudia’s ugly feet make an appearance and the girls go to Puerto Rico and bash each other’s relationships.