This One Time at Band Camp…

Hello all – I really enjoyed last week’s style of breifcapping, so I think I am going to stick with it.  If it works…roll with it…AMIRIGHT?!?!?!

Tre in “world-wind”, can’t get enough endorphins and saratogans!  Juicy Joe sucks at side pony.  Good thing Tre back in action, getting shit done, wants to do yoga….buuuut…Juicy Joe caught putting bills and mail through shredder.  Tre not having it, has learned bills mean PAY UP BITCH!

Jacs awaits Tre to sign friendship contract, check box, “yes” or “no”.  Can’t wait and Chris can’t pretend to listen any more.  Jacs showing up at Tre’s door with peace offering by way of Starbucks.  Two trenta, no foam, five shot, half-caff, no foam, triple caramel bottom, spice top, NO FOAM, at 210-degrees.

Tre pissed, Jacs persona non grata.  Tre no makeup and looks descent, should go with this look more often.  Juice man happy to see Jacs, means he doesn’t have to do yoga.  Jacs feeling dissed by Tre.  Tre learned a lot “at camp”, prayed, read books, learned to forgive, learned to fashion dildo out of common household items.   New beginnings, we shall rebuild, possible new dildo bidness.  Lucy and Ethel, my ass.  Tre showing off yoga moves, glimpse of house arrest anklet in need of bedazzling.  Tre in good shape, Juicy like, Tree sore knees, um…EW!  Jacs shows Tre how to fashion knee pads out of provolone rinds and cooking twine.

Tre - no makeup

Melissa and bidness partner buying clothing for ill-fated boutique.  Melissa only want short and tight selections, partner clad in items from “Sex and the City” clearance bin, wants to appeal to older customer.  Agree to disagree, what the hell, who cares?

Envy

Siggy helping Dolores overhaul house and cleanse it of ex-hubby stank.  Siggy face de-puffing, excited to meet Tre.  Jacs shows up, more screeching, caterwauling.  Dolores spots blotches, hives.  Jacks all aflutter, she is rebuilding friendship with Tre.  All right with world.

Meet Dolores’ ex hubs Frank.  Frank hotter than stripper on mid-day pole.  Wagering Dolores and Frank are “friends with benefitting”.  Dolores’ kids nice.  Scene stealer is Elizabeth, Dolores’ grandmother, 102 years old.  SHE.  IS.  EVERY.  THANG.

Tre allowed out of her McMansion to meet Siggy for first time.  Siggy over the top, but Tre diggin’ her leopard-print fashion and leather fringe halter top.  Learn Siggy has two kids and on second marriage to “real man on EVERY LEVEL”.  Party planning for Dolores.  Day of party.  Everyone all leoparded out.  Kathy and Rosie arrive, awkward leopards.

Weird party game ensues.  Melissa tell bizarre story how Joe want to give Dolores bone back in day.  Tre’s turn, makes Dolores and Jacs act out story from prison “camp dorm”.  All women drunk as f*ck, except Tre who can’t drink, pesky thing called probation.  Story about women getting it on at “camp”, Jacs licks Dolores’ face.  Tre continues story, she smelled fish and witnessed heinous act.  All non-drunks categorically mortified.  Highlight of episode, Rosie’s gruff voice in the background “why would it smell like fish?”

Drunk Melissa

Drunk Melissa mother*ckin’ Gorga is out in full force and effect.  Tre drives drunk Melissa home.  Next week, Joe worried Melissa will fail, Jacs and Chris still broke, tabloid rumors threaten rock solid foundation of Tre and Juicy Joe.

You Do the Time

Sorry I am so late this week, my actual job was a real bey-otch on wheels and delayed my RHNJ recappin’!  Since this is now old news, I will do a mini-cap:

Jacs crying, Dolores comforting, Tre new lexus getting.

Tre bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess.  Waxing Milania’s eyebrows.  Gotta look good for Holiday pics to be sold exclusively to People Magazine rags.  Tre flat beyotch broke, bidnesses in da’ crapper, gotta pay da’ billz.

Juicy Joe idiot.  Thinks Christmas is celebration of Jesus’ resurrection.  Flames shoot down from skylight, set his tank top and back hair on fire.

Tre follow Melissa into kitchen where knives are kept.  Tre no change one bit.  Tre dragging up painful Christening memory.  Tre stranded on Gilligan’s Island?  Melissa think Tre should have shut down rumors about her like illegal day care.  Argue, screech, pinky swear, hug it out, got your back…for now.

Tre Melissa Kitchen

Dolores in therapy, bad luck with cheating men, she is detective by nature, apparently Dolores did not sign HIPAA form at reception desk.

Jacs too many espressos, Ass-lee puffy face like her mom.  Moving out, Jacs recklessly loud when she gives Chris monthly sexy time.  Ass-lee, Pete, and her cold shoulder sweater have their own needs that cannot be fulfilled in the foreclosing McMansion.

Melissa’s boutique taking too long, Joe irritated with part-time wife status, Joe turning into Mr. Mom and he has begun lactating.  Ummm….EWW!

Tre had to cut own toenails in prison, received ingrown toenail, hurt worse than child birth.  But she didn’t let the time do her, she did the time!  Tre invites Dolores for New Year, Dolores wants to have “girls’ dinner”, invite Jacs, stage set for Tre/Jacs face off at another Bravo mandated dinner from hell.

Jacs hosts sad reject party for the non 36 people invited to Tre’s.  Jacs sporting serious camel toe in pleather pants looking like stuffed sausage, nasty yeast infection of epic proportion ensues.  Rest assured Ass-lee, your step father won’t be getting any loud action for the next 4 – 6 weeks.

G to the ia wants to go out with friends for New Year’s Eve after being catapulted into adulthood.  Girl wants to cut loose.  Her drunk Juicy Joe father doesn’t care and wants the “little fathead” home by midnight.  Dolores must make getaway as well, invited to two parties, what to do?  I know, have hostess of Bumpin’ Party A call hostess of Reject Party B and have incredibly awkward speaker phone conversation.  Cousin Rosie hears convo on speaker phone, Rosie spurned.  Rosie slosh her bourbon all over floor while making resolution to be the biggest beyotch on wheels in 2017.  GO ROSIE!

Jacs reject party

Shout out here to Jacs’ friends, Herman and Mina.  Two sit quietly in the corner wondering what the hell this camera crew is doing around them.

Dolores arrives Jacs’ reject party.  Ponders returning “Li’l Snooki Bump-It Kit” to QVC.

Dolores torn

G to the ia gets home by 12:15 a.m.  Juicy Joe level of intoxication = sobbing mess.  G to the ia cries in her grandmothers arms at the thought of the year ahead.  This gives me a case of the sads.

Next week… Dolores birthday party, Melissa mother f*ckin’ Gorga comes out to play, Jacs pulls a “pop in” on Tre with two hot, steaming Starbucks in her hands.

Back in Black

After being on lockdown for over a year, RHNJ is back beyotches.  Not much to see in the premiere episode, except for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the jailbreak of Teresa Goo-Boo-Chay!

Melissa has finally realized it’s not 1952 and she is opening her own boutique, which is just what New Jersey needs…Posche 3.0.  Melissa will call her shop “Envy” and they will feature all of the clothing they can shop lift from the clearance bin at “Forever 21”.  Melissa is legit with a bidness partner and all, but oh poor Joe.  There is no one at home waiting for him with a platter of freshly prepared chicken cutlets!  He has to strip down naked ON CAMERA and soap up his private parts ON CAMERA, just to snag a little attention from his modern wife.

Jacs is back as full time housewife, and SIDENOTE – there is no other Manzo featured.  I guess Caroline finally had enough, and smartly so.  With Tre back on the scene and a year of hard prison time under her weave, better to lay low.  At any rate, we catch up with Jacs…Nicholas is making strides and communicating a bit better verbally, which is good to see.  Jacs has roped in two of her besties for the show, one friend named after a female body part…Dolores!  The other is Siggy Flicker, who had her own matchmaking show on VH1 back in da’ day.  Apparently, Dolores was friends with Caroline, Dina, and Tre…they all go wayyyy back, but signing on for this slapdash shit-show is a sure way to end that.

Jacs has taken Ashlee back under her roof and apparently she is behaving for now, running around at the mall with her new hunky boyfriend, Peter Brady.  I give them six months.  Chris Manzo lost his fortune on the ill-fated BLK water deal, now there’s a shocker.  After his surplus shipment of BLK water was returned to him from Flint, MI, he realized that he was a broke ass mo-fo and decided to sell all of his…um, watches?  Just how many watches did he own?  At least this explains Jacs headline status and reason for taking up a lot of our time with her whining this season, she needs that Bravo paycheck.

Probably the highlight of the episode is Jacs meeting Delores and Siggy (Sigs – not to be confused with “Wigs-n-Cigs”) at some desolate “speakeasy” in the middle of the day so that Siggy can hide her healing face lift and sip lobster bisque through a straw.  She is my spirit animal.

SIggy face lift

Later, Jacs hosts a BYOS (Bring Your Own Shit) party that she has assembled out of prayers and chewing gum, however her remote controlled Christmas tree was one item she did not have to hock.  Jacs and Melissa have an opportunity to literally compare the notes they received from Tre.  Earlier, Jacs read the contents of her one line note in her best Tre voice, which is quite hilarious.  Melissa received a note with a back-handed comment about those damn sprinkle cookies from five seasons ago.  Tre finds a way to still be akin to satan’s asshole, all the way from her prison cubicle.  This doesn’t bode well for Melissa and it’s clearly laying ground work for Tre to use her fine collection of shivs that she fashioned in prison.  Jacs…you’re goin’ down like a fat kid on a see saw.  The highlight of Jacs shin-dig is cousin Rosie, who can be seen in the corner, holding a cocktail and playin’ canasta.

sprinkle cookie

The real moment we are waiting for is the return of Tre, fresh outta da’ clink.  She will be home for Christmas, but will have a leopard print ankle bracelet surgically installed for six months.  She has to obtain permission from her probation officer to go anywhere outside of her McMansion, except for Wal-Mart.

The Goo-Boo-Chay household is chaos as usual between the dogs, the girls, and the glitter glue.  As the girls are creating home-made welcome home mom signs, Joe cannot wait to pack his bags as he lurches around like the Mucinex slug he is.  He is shouting at the girls, barking orders, and maintaining nary a semblance of authority.  Oh dear reader, we all know the truth here…Milania is the HBIC up in dis’ hizzou of horrors.  Once Milania gets wind that the TMZ paparazzi are camped outside, she waves her li’l fist of fury at them while shouting “GET BENT!”

Gia packs a prison release outfit with care, so that her mother can arrive home looking tighter than a unicorn’s ass hole.  The fambly attorney heads out on the road to retrieve Tre.  G to the ia starts waking her sisters up at 5 a.m. to be ready to greet mom.  Not only is Milania still a rambunctious li’l ball of fun, but Gabriella has not changed much either.  She has that same unnerving, tortured blank stare as if she knows where the bodies are buried.

As Tre enters the house, it appears she was allowed to get a Brazilian blow out in between the delousing powder and cavity search stations.  She looks pretty good for just getting sprung…she hugs Joe and says “I miss my house”, quite telling.

Tre-Joe Hug

The girls pile on and they all break down, and I have to admit that this scene melted the frost off of my cold, black heart.  Joe offers to cook a meal and she asks for vegetables of all things.  Meanwhile, Tre narrates, “I was very naive, I won’t be naive anymore, I learned my lesson, and I won’t make the same mistake twice.”  I don’t know ‘bout y’all, but I sense that Joe may want to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his natural life.  Word to the wise, do not drink the green Gatorade and don’t get caught alone in the prison shower.

Tre - girls

And that’s a wrap – preview this season indicates more drama and the fambly preps for Joe’s “time away”.