Gator Junction of Dysfunction

The ladies are still poking around in Boca Raton…they dress up in their finest Jimmy Choo’s so that the gators can see how useful the skins of their former fambly are being put to good use.  Nothing much to see here except that Dina becomes attached to a baby disabled gator that was born without a tail.  Little do the ladies know, the real danger in the water is lurking back at the Miami Vice vacation home of hell fire.

Gators

Back in Jersey, Tre and Juicy discuss the “texteses” that Juice Man received from Chris Laurita.  No matter how many boxes of wine it takes, the Laurita’s are gonna work their way back into the Goo-Boo-Chay friendship of dysfunction.

Kathy and Richie go over the plans for their new house with their general contractor, who happens to be the highlight of the episode.  It’s Kevin Jonas!  Rosie is all like “didn’t you used to sing-n-stuff?”  Hells yea!  Rosie is all in, “let’s get N*SNC-n-Lance Bass in on this sh!t!”  Later we learn over an emotional fambly dinner that Rosie has parted ways with her Bravo mandated girlfriend, Ellen.  She is back on the prowl to find her ride or die bitch, but they just don’t make ‘em like they used to anymore.

Back in Boca, Dina alerts Amber Alert that she knows about Santa-Rinogate.  Meanwhile, Jim is in the living room paying compliments to the Non-Dynamic Duo, but then it turns ugly and he goes after Bobby, basically telling him to “sack up” when it comes to committing to Nicole.  Jim decides to go look for more booze to fuel the drama volcano that is about to erupt like a river of ferocious hot liquid magma.

Melissa and Jim go into the kitchen together so that the Non-Dynamic Duo can set up the next scene.  They are going on and on about Bobby’s commitment phobia and Bobby storms out with Nicole on his heels like a rabid Chihuahua.  He mutters something about “you play into this one more time, I’m leaving”, and then he calls her stupid.  Keep it classy Bawwwby!  It actually sounds like sound-bytes taken out of context and dubbed over the scene to add drama.  He locks himself in the bathroom and hides behind the toilet.  Apparently, he has his vodka soaked tampon on backwards.  Everyone is gathered in the living room and Dina appears to be a stress eater because she has a box of donuts in her lap that she is snarfing down like black tar heroin.  Ter-esss-uh is in full first responder mode and she tries to break down the bathroom door and retrieve Bobby.  Jim continues to trash Bobby and alludes to having information from Bobby about the Non-Dynamic Duo’s fambly.  Amber Alert’s eyes bug out of her head and she tries to shut him up.

Jim-Amber

He won’t let up, so Amber Alert flees the scene and Dina tries to talk her off the ledge.  Amber Alert wants Bobby to come out of hiding, she demands “bring me him!” with all of her dramatic psycho flair.

Dina-Amber

Ter-esss-uh storms at Jim “what is going on!”  I want to know what is going on too, I think the editors must have been suckin’ down some contractually obligated expired Fabellini.  This is a hot mess.   I also want to know what is going on with Melissa’s yellow dress and royal blue shoes.  She must be working on shapes and colors this week.  Anyhoo…Jim reveals that Bobby has been cheating on Nicole for the entire time they have been dating, he’s got some chick stashed away in a secret condo, process that.  Joe tries to take Jim out of the room, he explains that “in a man’s world, Jim is a bitch.”  WORD!  Bobby finally emerges from the bathroom, sweating like a farm animal, and he is ready to throw down with Jim.

Bobby-Fight

Annnnnd we are out of time folks, tune in next week for the possible fight or to see another dragged out shit show.  I guess the Bravo intern hasn’t pumped the cast up with enough vodka to properly execute the fight, and why milk the drama for only two episodes when you can cash in on the drama cow for three?  It’s the Jersey way!

Badmouthing in Boca

The hags are headed out to Boca Raton, Florida for some drama in the sun.  The ladies offer up a Bravo mandated toast to Tre, who cannot leave the great state of Jersey.  It’s no sweat off of anyone’s ballz that Amber Alert can’t come either, she can keep her drama at home.

Meanwhile, in snowy Jersey, Tre and G to the ia begin house hunting since they need to downsize.  The realtor keeps telling Tre that the house just can’t compare to her current home, which is not the way to sell, but must be for dramatic effect.  It’s pure tragedy that she has to downsize to an 8,800 square foot house.  We are treated to an early Tre flashback saying she gets “scheezed” looking at used houses, “that’s gross” she tells us.  Yes, it’s 8,800 square feet of pre-owned pure squalor!  She really has no choice in this matter…and oh look a urinal and bidet in the master bedroom!  The realtor suggests she market her current 12,000 square foot home for $4 million.  Hey, at least it’s bigger than Melissa and Joe’s re-done rental home of squalor and despair.  I think Tre better prepare herself for some “downsizing” to an 8 x 8 grey cell.

Realtor

Other happenings in Jersey, Kathy pops by to see Jacs in her own house of horrors and we catch up with her nightmare.  While Jacs inhales the desserts Kathy brought, she updates us on her son, Nicholas.  He has progressed quickly, but not as quickly as Jacs jams that cannoli in her pie hole.  The only other thing we learn her is that Jacs’ makeup artist must have been workin’ overtime with the contouring brush.  Jacs and Kathy discuss the Tre situation and Jacs is crushed that Tre did not respond to her gushing, heart-felt texts with the same enthusiasm.  Jacs got a “thank you, hugs-n-kisses” and that was about it.  Kathy seems a little annoyed and tries to translates that Tre’s flat response is telling, Tre wants to close the book on Jacs’ contoured nose.

Later, Kathy takes Jacs to the construction site of the home that Kathy and Richie are building.  Kathy explains that she and Richie want to live within their means, what a novel concept.  Jacs can’t leave well enough alone and she announces that she and Chris are selling their home too.  Good, move away, move far…far…away.

Back in Boca, the non-dynamic duo check out the house they are staying in, it’s very “Miami Vice” and they think the hot tub will give them Legionnaires disease.  The gang finally settles by the pool and enter Jeff, the pool boy.  He will dote on the women hand and foot, and what a co-wink-a-dink, he is single and so is Dina.  Nicole thinks he is perfect with the exception of his hairy nipples???  Wha????  Anyhoo, Melissa is getting her serious drink on, now that she is away from her four children and isn’t contractually obligated to consume that Fabellini swill.  The non-dynamic duo think Melissa is showing her fun side, but Dina thinks Melissa is just showing off her body.

Melissa-showoff

Maybe so, but more power to her and God’s speed to her plastic surgeon.  She looks great for having four children, one of which is a grown ass man.  Later, the ladies go shopping in order to cook a lovely meal and the non-dynamic duo cannot stop saying “long hots” in reference to hot peppers.  I’m waiting for one of the women to find a 20 lb. sack of Fingerling potatoes and beat these two senseless with it.

We get a brief snapshot of what is happening at the Gorga home, Joe is holding down the fort “babysitting”, as if this is his part-time gig to make extra walkin’ around money.  That pesky irritant called “parenting” is just too much for him to take on.  Joe is having a pillow fight with his kids when Melissa calls to check in.  They are jumping all over the couch, throwing a football in the house, and destroying art work on the wall.  After Joe gets off the phone, he has a talk with his daughter about boys, but she is a bit young for it, and so is he frankly.  Joe says he isn’t ready for that discussion and he will “break the internet” so his daughter doesn’t find out about Justin Bieber and shit.  Good lookin’ out, man.

I suppose we have to throw in the update on Amber Alert, her bloodwork is fine and the outlook is optimistic.  So once again, much dramatic buildup about nothing.

The non-dynamic duo suggest that they call Amber Alert to see how she is doing.  What another co-wink-a-dink, a call from Amber Alert pops up like herpes in a public school.  Dina answers and Amber informs her that her bloodwork is perfect and she and Jim are headed to Boca tomorrow!  Dina’s face goes blank, like she had just seen a ghost wearing last year’s Jimmy Choo wedges.  The impending arrival of Amber Alert threatens Dina’s “zen” in a big way.  Amber Alert may bust open that stocking full o’ goodies about Rino and Santa, which Dina is holding.

The ladies sit down to their meal and Melissa is already half in the bag.  Dina decides to play a fun game of “tell us a random fact about you, like who likes a golden shower”.  Oh okay, yea, because that’s great dinner conversation?  Melissa doesn’t understand it at all and starts yammering about peeing in the shower.  Dina quickly corrects her and explains what the “golden shower” is.  Nicole suggests that Melissa enjoys a “pearl necklace” and Melissa is about as confused as Paula Abdul after a box of wine.  Dina goes to get her phone to show them these things in action, translation = porn, although Dina claims to just watch it for the décor.  Well, who doesn’t?

The ladies move their party outside and contemplate how the dynamic will change when Amber Alert arrives.  Dina and Ter-ess-uh walk away to investigate an anorexic palm tree and Dina uses the opportunity to give Ter-ess-uh a vague heads up about some gossipy information she is holding.

Dina-Teressa

Ter-ess-uh cuts Dina off at the knees and tells her not to say anything, she doesn’t want to know.  Leave it to Nicole to squash any sense of reason, because once she gets wind of this, she demands to know.  The twins argue about knowing vs. not knowing, which is a perfect build up to next week when Jim and Amber Alert arrive.

A Bird in the Hand is Worth Santa in the Bush

A hush falls over the fresh, crisp white snow in front of the Goo-boo-chay mansion.  Teresa is stirring about, trying to carry-on her normal routine by getting the girls ready for school when tragedy strikes!  The automatic coffeemaker didn’t turn on!  Tre can only muster the brain power to throw in her clip on extensions and rush the girls off to school.  She is driving a large white Mercedes SUV that looks like she could live in it.  Jus’ sayin’ – #worstcasescenario.

Meanwhile over at Dina’s house, her assistant Luke and daughter Lexi come to find that their paraplegic pet, Gracie, has gained too much weight to fit in her wheelchair.  Luke suggests having the wheelchair widened, and what a fabulous first assignment for the new assistant.  Yes, much to Dina’s chagrin, Luke is leaving the nest.  He is moving to his homeland in Ireland because the Jersey “Match.com” pool can’t be any more shallow.  Although Luke offers to “consult” with Dina for a mere $100 per month so he can help her recall her passwords.  I can see Dina’s “Craig’s List” ad now:  “Wanted:  Personal Assistant:  Skills require ability to care for 19 disabled pets and two hairless feral cats who reek of bacon and feet.  Ability to apply roll on body glitter evenly.  Advanced plumbing skills including artificial hair weave clogs.  Willingness to listen to disturbing fambly secrets.  Must be willing to live in my closet and sell soul to devil while being extremely photogenic agree to be on national television.  Ability to maintain “zen” at all times a plus!”

Rino and Ter-esss-uh are having a discussion of the medical variety.  Rino has prostate issues, says the doc did a “finger lickin’ good” probing finger examination on him only to find that his “anal rectal region is enlarged”.  Wow…WTMI, my friend.  Rino will be having a colonoscopy soon and wants to make sure he lives long and strong so he can make up for lost time with Ter-esss-uh.  He decides there is no time like the present and he comes into the bedroom wearing a thong that Ter-esss-uh no doubt received as a gag re-done wedding gift.  “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!” he tells his lovely wife while flapping around in his Toucan thong.

Rino-Thong-2

Joe and Melissa visit their architect to see the views of their new home, which looks like a castle that could house a fambly of 20, it’s 9,000 square feet including a swim up bar, cave underneath the pool, a grotto, and six bedrooms.  Not sure if this is the Playboy Mans or a home to provide shelter to four, soon to be orphaned, girls.  Joe reveals that he can only handle this new and improved squalor for one year, then he want to build another, bigger house.  #napoleoncomplexanyone?

We check in with the ever-annoying Amber Alert who is heading to church with her fambly for Ash Wednesday, “the start of the lentil season”.  Ahem…is this the season where we give up the chick pea?  Her five year breast cancer check-up is looming, so she had better cram in a few fox-hole prayers.  Amber Alert will trow in a few prayers for Tre and her troubles.  After all, Tre is going through a very dark time, much like Amber Alert was five years ago.  Because again, cancer is so comparable to federal indictment fraud charges…tomato…to-mah-to!  Amber Alert walks out of church to call Tre “check my charges”, and do some finger probing of her own.  Tre is in the middle of a work out at the gym, but Amber Alert won’t let up with the questions, how long will this take exactly, how long will Amber Alert have to pray for her exactly, what exactly should she ask for in her prayers EXACTLY, and seventy other exactly lunatic questions.

Amber-Call

Tre’s trainer, a sturdy looking German woman, prompts her to get the hell off the phone.  Tre tries to explain to Amber Alert that she can’t speak about any of this and Amber Alert attributes her annoying question to having diarrhea of the mouth.  Admitting it is the first step.  Tre says that Amber Alert’s constant questioning reminds her of a friend she used to have who asked too many questions.  We flash back to the moment when Jacs and Caroline ambushed Tre on Jacs’ back patio.  Fun times were had by all.

Tre-Gym

Ter-esss-uh shakes up the colonoscopy liquid in a shaker and serves it up in a nice martini glass for Rino.  Nicole, Santa, Dina, and Lexi arrive for dinner being cooked by Rino, who is about to have an atomic ass blast.  Totally appetizing!

Rino-Martini

The dinner convo turns to Tre and her issues, Dina says that Amber Alert was “poking her [Tre] for details.”  Dina is really peeved about said poking, and thinks it’s just a case of Amber Alert being nosy.  The rules for the Florida trip will be to keep the Tre case talk on the DL and the focus will be on whether or not Rino pounded Santa like a chicken cutlet.  The next day, Ter-esss-uh accompanies Rino to his colonoscopy, she claims she is his “calming force”.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  The procedure goes swimmingly and the doctor tells Ter-esss-uh that Rino has the “prettiest colon I’ve seen in a long time”, I think that’s taking it a bit far.

Rino-Colon

Amber Alert’s breast cancer check-up tests were inconclusive and she is a wreck over it and assuming the worst.  She could get her mind off of it by getting a makeup lesson… the chick looks like Crayola gang banged her face.  She is over the edge, cutting strawberries with a rather large knife, venting to her wormy husband, and decides she cannot go to Florida.

Dina drops by Tre’s house, wearing her “I come to gossip Fedora”.  Tre tells Dina she isn’t going to Florida because she wants to stay home with the girls.  Translation = she can’t leave the fine state of New Jersey.  Tre pours herself a Fabellini as she prepares to spill the tea to Dina regarding Rino and Santa.  Tre can’t even tell it like it is, she says Rino “went with” Santa.  Went where?  To get some finger lickin’ good Kentucky Fried Chicken?  Rino went with Santa to get a colonoscopy?  Where, where did they go?  Despite Tre’s vagueness, Dina is a sharp cookie and gets the inference, but isn’t buying it at all and chalks it up to Rino’s personality, of course he was joking.  Tre has a valid point, “who jokes like that” she says in her high pitched howler monkey squeal.  Dina is not feeling very comfortable holding this information, but Tre clarifies that she spilled it only in the event that Amber Alert tries to pull it out of her bag o’ tricks.  Tre wants someone in her corner who knows the straight story.  If the story is even straight!

Dina-Fedora

Next week Jacs is back and things start smoldering in Florida.

Sh!t Shoveling

It’s four days before the plea deal for the Goo-Boo-Chay fambly of wayward felons.  Tre is cooking in the kitchen with her girls, Audriana is chopping onions and Milania decides to eat some raw onions and act like a damn fool, and G to the ia rolls her eyes in disgust at all three of them.  Across town, at the Gorga 15,000 square foot rental home of squalor, they catch their fambly on the television news, while Amber Alert is scouring her go-to news source, “Radar Online”.  Amber Alert preps for her Emmy winning performance and calls Tre, already busting out the histrionics before the call even goes through.  Watch out, Meryl Streep!  Tre is like “wha, what happened”, G to the ia can hear Amber Alert sobbing and she starts laughing.  Tre chalks it up to being pre-menstrual or because she has been through “the cancer”.  Amber Alert is a hot mess express and she really needs to consider waterproof mascara.  Amber Alert keeps pressing her, “Is it true?  Is it true?  I thought you were, like, in the clear!”  I don’t know what version of reality Amber Alert subscribes to, but Tre smartly cuts her off and can’t discuss it further at the advice of her legal counsel.  Jim finds Amber Alert in a puddle of tears all over the clean laundry she is folding, he explains the process of accepting a plea deal and it’s not looking good for the Goo-boo-chays.  Amber Alert equates this to her cancer scare AGAIN, because you know…it’s, like, so similar.  “At least it’s not a death sentence…” she says.  Yeah well, two years without access to body glitter and Frankenstein hair extensions might just be the demise of Tre Goo-boo-chay!

Amber-Hysterics

Melissa calls the “is it true or not true hotline” and Tre maintains it’s not true.  After Tre hangs up, G to the ia questions her mom further, but neither of them can keep it together.  You have to wonder what the hell was going through her mind when she participated in the fraudulent activities, unless she is truly that ignorant or thinks she is that invincible.

Melissa and Dina go for a work-out, which is odd because these two don’t seem to even like each other.  We find out that the weird, cut-rate gym with pulleys hanging from the ceiling is merely the stage to start talking about the Bravo mandated trip, not an actual workout.  They talk about heading to Florida, because hey, Tre broke the law, but we want to see her happy.  I am wondering how Tre could even leave the state with her pending charges.

Jim and Amber Alert are making dinner together and discuss the fact that they are pissed off that Bobby repeated what Jim told him in confidence ON NATIONAL TELEVISION about the Goo-Boo-Chays.  Jim can’t wait to spill the beans about his pal Bobby, who allegedly has names of women stored in his phone, just waiting in the wings, one in Florida.  Jim thinks he is so tough, serving Bobby a “cup o’ shut the f*ck up!”  Does he not understand he is ON CAMERA SAYING THIS SHIT!?!?!

Tre and Dina are shoveling snow and Tre is glad that Dina is the kind of superficial friend who doesn’t ask any questions.  All Dina cares about is shoveling snow off of her Buddha statue because it’s really f*cking up her zen.  Melissa shows up to be useless, as usual.  The three stooges walk around to the back of the house for some reason, get stuck in the snow, then they tell Tre that they want to take her away to Florida.  Tre is all in, because after all she may not see the sun for two years.

Snow

The non-dynamic duo are trying to dig out of their own mess and Bobby drives up to shovel out some shit of his own.  Apparently Amber Alert keeps calling and texting him.  Nicole reads the texts aloud, but Ter-ess-uh asks her to apply her theatrical knowledge and use a man’s voice while reading Bobby’s texts and a girl voice for Amber Alert’s texts.  Oy vey…I can’t take these two idiots and their Dunkin’ Donuts obsession.

Dina is hosting a gathering of the ladies to discuss her “Project Ladybug” event that will be dedicated to kids fighting cancer.  Amber Alert shows up in her “I heard some gossip Burbury Newsboy hat”, ready to stir up trouble, more on that later…

The ladies all want to help Dina, heck Tre has a good friend who was just diagnosed with breast cancer and “April 1st she’s gettin’ a vasectomy”.  I’ll give you a moment to wrap your brain around that and shake your head in haughty disdain.  While they all discuss the theme for the party, they come up with “Old Hollywood”, because of course kids are totally into that.  Dina changes the subject and throws out the invitation to Florida, the non-dynamic duo is down to travel, but Amber Alert can’t process going away.  She has all that laundry full of mascara stains to wash.

It is then that Amber Alert decides to pull Tre aside to discuss the rumor that they heard from Victoria Gotti about Rino and Mama Santa having inappropriate relations.  Amber Alert swears she won’t mention it, right as she mentions it within ear shot of Ter-ess-uh.  Tre finally tells her that she has her own shit going on and really doesn’t give a rats ass.  When did Tre Goo-boo-chay become a calm, level-headed player in this debacle?  While the other ladies sit and wonder what they are gossiping about, Nicole takes the opportunity to spill the tea on Amber Alerts crazy texts to Bobby.  When Amber Alert and Tre return to the group, the tension is thick, but neither side will offer up the dirt they were each dishing.

Gossipin

It’s the day of the plea deal and Juicy is tending to his chickens while Tre is laying on the bedroom floor reading prayers out of a book.  We see footage of Tre and Juicy hurrying into the courtroom, bottom line they both plead guilty to multiple fraud charges and are both looking at jail time.  Juicy has the added bonus of facing being deported back to Italy.  Bravo’s sister station “E!” gave the full report.  Because no one delivers hard-hitting reality television star news like Giuliana Rancic.

Tre-praying

We see small snippets of the other cast mates weighing in, Ter-ess-uh is more concerned about what Tre was wearing, Rino confuses a gavel with a mullet and the other cast mates plead ignorance.  They don’t know much about it, how all that crazy laws stuff works.  I think they are all still in shock that Tre admitted to doing something wrong.  Tre’s attorney reads a statement from Tre – she takes responsibility for a series of mistakes, etc., she’s heartbroken, her attorney is pushing for probation rather than prison.  My only sincere hope is that she does get probation.  If she goes to prison, who will teach her girls super advanced pole spins like the armpit hold and the Brass Monkey?  Ugh, there aren’t enough jewel-toned sequins in the world to fix this.  Latest update is that their sentencing was postponed to 10/2/14.  Tre’s Jimmy Choo’s could be sinking into the dry dirt in the yard for up to 27 months and Juice man could be wearing his soap on a rope for 46 months.

Tre-Court

Previews show what’s coming in the season ahead, viewership must be flagging.  Jacs is coming back on the scene and it looks like drama ahead when Jim blurts out that he saw Rino f*cking Santa Claus.