Booty Call

We start this week with a continuation of Kim’s moving ordeal, which is over played.  If she would actually move her ass instead of standing in various doorways complaining about it, she might actually make some progress.  What is humorous about this moving segment is that Kimmy has thrown in a new twist to veil the real reason she must move…all the sudden the “Dream Home” has turned into the “Haunted Mansion”.  Kim is just trying to take an embarrassing situation and dip it in magic shell to make herself look like less of an idiot, which I don’t think is possible at this point.  Kim stands in yet another doorway arguing with Sweetie about not having her necessities for her hair, makeup, and washing her ass.  This sends Kim into a tailspin and her head starts turning around and she takes it out on the movers in the basement.  They are throwing her already ill-organized stuff into boxes and labeling them “basement mix”, which sounds like a bad mixed tape you may have made in the ‘80’s.  In one box, she finds a Margarita maker Santa Claus statue and in another box, we have a car seat and lampshades.  After Kim goes off, Sweetie lectures her about being a bit more courteous to the movers.  Nene gets a moment off camera where she breaks it down for the audience, the truth is Kim can’t afford the house so now she claims it is “Hunted”.  Haunted…Hunted…Tomato…Tomahto!

Meanwhile, across town, Phaedra takes Ayden for a haircut.  Ayden keeps saying “I’m sleepy!” which is code for leave me the hell alone.  Maybe that’s where Kim learned that, anytime shit gets complicated, she needs a nap.  We learn here that repo man, nutritionist, fitness trainer, Apollo, is a master barber by trade.  The work release program at the Georgia Department of Corrections must be excellent.  While Ayden squirms in the barber chair, Phaedra discusses the upcoming $20,000 burfday party experience.  Yes, you read that right…Burfday.  Ayden is turning two, so they must feel the need to spend $10K for each year.  Apollo finishes Ayden’s haircut, which makes me wonder why they took him to a barber shop when they could have done it at home.

While Kim is in the midst of a nervous breakdown, our girl, Kandi is leisurely unpacking her stuff and tells Mama Joyce how Kim dissed her new neighborhood.  Kandi gets the line of the night “At least all the people in my neighborhood OWN their homes.”  Oooh…burn Kim, burn!

Porsha gets a small, excruciating segment, where she discusses the difference between Miss USA, Miss America, wha?  Hubby Kordell points out that it was janked up of his wifey to introduce Kenya with the incorrect title, but he hits the nail of dysfunction on the head when he chalks up Kenya’s anger to something deeper.  Porsha is happy to throw the seeds of “low self-esteem” at Kenya’s issues, but Kordell is right…Kenya’s issues run deep.

Kenya “Cray Cray” Moore is taking Walter to meet her aunt Lori, uncle Mark, and cousin Milan.  Kenya seems to have a bit of laryngitis during this scene, PRAISE JESUS!  Walter bills himself as the “Martin Luther King of towing.”  Really, this is what we’re doing now?  Kenya’s cousin, Shay, is a chef at the restaurant where they are dining and she comes out to meet Walter.  Shay asks how they met, but the stories are a bit different.  Walter downplays the whole ordeal, said they met via a mutual friend while they were bowling.  Kenya insists he chased her for a while, in her dream.  Walter has no recollection of this and aunt Lori sides with him.  Kenya throws stink eye and as they discuss marriage, Walter makes it clear that he doesn’t want to rush things.  The fam loves him and his ol’ fashioned values but methinks he and Kenya are not only not on the same page, they are not reading the same book.

We are treated to a reprise of Dwight, experience coordinator extraordinaire, with an even more janked up nose.   He has planned Ayden’s second burfday party at the aquarium.  Phaedra and family make a grand entrance with a marching drum band and they ride in on a train, the Hot Mess Express.  In some bizarre southern tradition, Kandi attaches $100 bill to Ayden’s shirt with a binder clip.  Shocker of the night, Kim calls, Phaedra puts her on speaker, and Kim can’t make it to the party.  Phaedra and Kandi say things to stroke her battered, evicted, ego and then proceed to talk shit as soon as they hang up.  Dwight moves the guests to phase two of the burfday party, which is a private dolphin show that Phaedra equates to Broadway.  Everyone is falling asleep and Dwight is poking his botoxed cheeks in order to stay awake.

Kim still dicking around with her move and Kandi comments to the camera that Kim should have kept the “dream home” debacle on the DL instead of engaging in a twitter war with the land lord.  It’s bad publicity for the wife of an Atlanta Falcons Football player.  Kim sits her ass in the kitchen and chalks it up to “the higher you climb, the more people want to tear you down.”  I think it’s more like, the less often you pay your bills, the more your land lord wants your ass out on the curb, pregnant or not.  Sweetie is the shocking, ball busting voice of reason here, cracking down on the movers and making a small bit of progress.  Kim’s daughter Ariana finds an empty cardboard box, which could be foreshadowing of what her future home will be like.  The smart kid decides to meditate in said box and stay the hell out of crazy Kim’s way.

Cynthia and Nene meet for lunch and Nene revisits the run in with Kim and Sweetie at the “Let’s gush over Nene’s success party.”  Is it just me, or are these party themes getting out of hand?  Nene does an impression of Kim and yammers on about her excuses for moving, the dream home is “hunted”.  Hunted, hunted, hunted…Nene says it enough times, I start to believe it’s hunted.  Nene swiftly changes gears and informs Cynthia that Phaedra hates her guts and she has the incriminating voice mail to prove it!  Phaedra apparently butt dialed a mutual friend of her and Nene’s and left a message saying “I don’t give a f*ck about Cynthia coming to Ayden’s party.”  Cynthia needs to hear it one more time, “she really said I don’t give an F-U-C-K about her coming.”  Phaedra is caught red butt handed.  Cynthia thought they were cool after the dust up between Peter and Apollo, but apparently not.  Cynthia and Nene bag on Phaedra, “I don’t drink, smoke, curse, I just walk around with my prayer cloth and sit here with my hands clasped.”  Nene hollers “Lord Jeezuz where’s Willie Watkins!”  The two have a good time poking fun at Phaedra, but Cynthia plans to call her out.

We learn a bit more about Porsha, she has younger sister, Lauren.  Lauren is six years younger and they are competitive.  They take on a climbing rock wall and Lauren smokes her like a crack pipe while Porsha falls to the ground screeching about her va-jay-jay be painin’.

Shift back to bat-shit Crazy Kenya feverishly stabbing at two frozen dinners and dumping pre-prepared salad in a bow.  Walter is eminent and she hides the Trader Joe’s bag of evidence.  She even has the audacity to put some of the cooked pasta in a frying pan to give the appearance that she cooked the meal.  Sheesh…EVERYBODY KNOWS…you don’t cook pasta in a frying pan.  This chick is full-blown bunny boiling psycho and she will do whatever it takes to get Walter to put a ring on it. 

Walter arrives in his “DeKalb Auto Towing” shirt and they descend the steps to dine outside.  Kenya freaks about the sounds of the bugs and frogs, but really she knows they are chanting some secret frog message to Walter advising him to GET OUT WHILE HE STILL CAN!  She perpetuates her bullshit lies and claims she would stab at frozen meal trays like a serial killer cook a fabulous dinner for him every night.  She drones on about how much time it took her to make this meal…what part of YOU ARE ON CAMERA are we not getting?  The rest of the dinner convo goes like this “I want a baby like yesterday, laser focus, no pressure, not ovulating, trying to be subtle!”  This bitch is like an oxymoron stream of consciousness.  She drops hints about wanting to be preggo in five and a half months and Walter responds “keep on drinking boo, keep on drinking.”  Translation, I have no plans on marrying you, you nitro burnin’ hose beast.

Cynthia and Phaedra meet for a drink and Cynthia presents her with a burfday gift for Ayden and proceeds to call her out.  Cynthia confronts about the butt dial, carefully spelling out the curse word, which I think is funny.  Phaedra quickly deploys the first lesson from law school, deny, deny, deny.  Cynthia offers to play the voice message, and Phaedra defers to the second lesson of law school, “I don’t know, I don’t recall.”  Cynthia gives her the death glare and Phaedra finally pulls her chute, “Hmmm… somethin’ bit me on the boob, do you see that!?!?!”  Cue Cynthia eye roll, annnnnd scene.  Score one point for Phaedra her “somethin’ bit me” diversion tactic.  Minus two for Cynthia for not having the sack to steer Phaedra back on confrontation course.

The Zolciak clan arrives at the rinky dink Townhome and it’s a hot ass disaster with more shit-n-wigs everywhere.  Kim and Sweetie hog down on donuts and Kim waxes philosophical about how God has bigger, better plan for her.  The moving truck arrives with her dead palm trees and murdered plants, and this is a living breathing example of cutting off your medically altered nose to spite your botoxed face.

Next week drama starts to percolate with Kim shoving cameras and Kenya flirting with Apollo.

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Two Scoops of Poise

We start episode three with Nene, so far she has had the opening sequence on all episodes this season.  I’m sure the break out star has it in her contract with Bravo and she is clearly Andy Cohen’s favorite housewife.  Nene and Gregg are at “Prim and Polished” getting manis and pedis.  Gregg is trying to woo her still, he drops the “L” bomb, annnnnd cue eye roll from Nene.  He is complaining about the foot water being too hot, it’s so hot you could boil a chicken.  Because.  That’s.  Romantical.  Nene is headed out to NYC and Gregg asks her for a key, not only to her house, but to her heart.  Cue eye roll #2 and throw in a little vomit in mouth for good measure.  He flaunts his heart shaped key ring, there are two silver keys, for the front and back door, and one gold key, for his heart.  His heart, which is gold, and old, and desperate for Nene now that she is a D-List celeb.  He recites a poem he wrote “I want a key to your door, like I never have before!”  Nene tells him to “keep it real”, and she will make him a list of things he needs therapy for.  “Change will get you a key”, she tells him, which spurs another poem.  “This time I’m going to do it right because again, I will make you my wife.  Runtelldat.”  Miss Nene has no intention on running or telling dat to anyone.  The whole time, the pedicurist is cracking up at this shit show.  Gregg commandeers the lotion from the pedicurist and starts massaging Nene’s feet.  Lawrence walks in as Nene is about to die from embarrassment.  Lawrence doles out some advice, “be sincere and genuine, and you wait on the universe to respond back.”  Gregg likes the “elementary” knowledge and threatens to write another impromptu poem.

Meanwhile, at Phaedra’s House of Booty, Apollo is fixing a snack and he tells Phaedra he received his certification for being a nutrition specialist and a personal trainer.  I guess the funeral gig isn’t going to pan out for him, but now he can assist her with the donkey booty workout video.  What won’t can’t these two do?!?!?!?  Phaedra wants the video to be for beginners so she doesn’t have to sweat and let her hair go into “stages of Afro-isms.”  Her concern is that Apollo will go all “Arnold Schwarzenegger on baf salts” during the work out.  (yes, you read that right…baf salts).  Apollo goes on about something about black people having big butts because of Brazil and something something…Phaedra says she was born with a donkey booty, she asked for “two scoops”.

Meanwhile in da’ ghetto, Kim, Sweetie, and Kroy continue to squat and act like they are not being evicted.  Kim finally concludes that they will go back to Big Papa’s the townhouse.  Kim is dictating notes to Sweetie, telling her to “rip every last mother f*cking flower out of this house”.  Kim can’t take all this move talk any longer she needs to go get some pizza and retire to her room.  At this point, Kim really should move off the show.  She is boring these days and if she isn’t acting ass bag crazy, get her off my TV.

Finally, we meet our newest housewife who has arrived to the series fashionably late.  Picture perfect Porsha Williams is married to Kordell Stewart, she’s very rich bitch, and she’s as vapid as they come.  Good thing I set my sights low, that way I won’t be disappointed.

Kenya meets with Porsha and right out of the gate Kenya insults the café they are having lunch in.  Bitch, puh-leaze.  Porsha explains that she is the granddaughter of the founder of the Hosea Williams foundation.  Her grandfather was Martin Luther King Jr.’s right hand man.  Being a celebrity, Kenya is happy to oblige Porsha’s request to attend her upcoming benefit for the foundation.  Porsha takes a left turn at Valley Girl and Dumb Hooker and starts asking like personal questions about like marriage and like children.  Kenya wants to stab Porsha in the neck with her fork.  Seriously, Kenya is visibly rattled by the marriage-n-baby like conversation.  She should be, when she broached that subject with Walter at dinner the other night, he proceeded to dump a gallon of tequila down his throat and it went less than stellar.  She has all her eggs in one non-committal basket, pun intended.  Porsha tells Kenya she wants to be done having her babies by age 35 and Kenya gets the “unhinged” look in her eye.

It’s the same look she gave Walter when he said he asked Kandi out in the dark ages.  Porsha offers to get some info from her aunt who is 45 and is seeing an Asian fertility doctor.  Kenya immediately orders everything on the dessert menu as she listens to Porsha drone on about the event.  It will be women only, but Kenya gives her a push otherwise in case there are men that would like to come and donate sperm to Kenya’s cause to the Hosea Williams Foundation.

However, our little Porsha insists, women only women in power, women with influence, women in spanx.  Great, we know where this crazy wonder woman train is headed.  Kenya talks about the other ladies she will invite, but Porsha is familiar with Kandi, Nene, and Phaedra.  Those bitches come, take pictures, and leave.  Porsha asks Kenya her to wear her tiara and “satchel” and Kenya tells her “hell no” that shit will cost her extra.  Kenya pegs Portia as the cheerleader type and give us her best valley girl impression.

Cynthia and Nene are in NYC and they sit in the hotel room and gush over Nene’s success.  Nene says “the higher I go the less I have to concern myself with petty jealous people, like Kim.”  You know what else Nene is not concerned about?  Reprising those Fred Flintstone bong water grey pajamas for the second episode in a row.  Cynthia is already talking Emmy nomination for Nene as hair and makeup arrive to apply more makeup and do more hair.  Cynthia is determined to get Nene to ride the subway instead of taking a car service.  She wants Nene to see NYC the “broke” way.  Nene concedes, but she draws the line at eating a hotdog on street and trading her spiked Louboutins for flats.  Cynthia – minus one for acting like a dorky tourist.  Plus one for Nene – I would rather be chauffeured around NYC in a Town Car too, have you been on the subway?

Kandi is getting around to packing up her Grammys and framed platinum records to move to her new house because a tenant is moving into the old house.  She is very rich, bitch because she didn’t have to sell the old house.  Heck, she could have rented the old house to Kim and then evicted her just for shits and giggles.  Kandi’s Uncle Robert is on hand talking about various crazy things like lifting a refrigerator by himself using a “hump strap” and then Kandi finds one of her “Bedroom Kandi” boxes in the mess of things.  Uncle Robert says he would have no need for her product, he subscribes to taking “boar hog root”, it’s better than Viagra, he claims.  WTMI Uncle Robert, WTMI.

Phaedra meets her new bestie, Kenya, at a bar and where they drink and eat gelato.  Kenya is screaming “barkeep” over and over in her outdoor irrational skank voice.  What’s with the old timey words Kenya, Barkeep?  Were you born in 1920?  Anyhoo…Phaedra tells the camera she likes Kenya even though “she’s an odd bird”.  Phaedra embraces the crazy, because hell, she’s a bit bat shit her own self.  Phaedra speaks of her workout video and Kenya jumps in and offers to film it because after all, she has her own production company.  Do I smell a recipe for trouble a cookin’?.  They start talking about having kids and Kenya tells Phaedra her story.  Given up by her psychotic mother, raised by her grandmother, terrible things done to her.  I want to feel bad for Kenya, but her abhorrent behavior makes it hard.  Kenya claims she has worked through her anger and said she used to be hell on wheels.  Really, used to be?  Kenya discusses pushing Walter in the direction of marriage and family and Phaedra says “hey, a closed mouth don’t get fed.”  Kenya leaves out the part about going bunny boiling psycho on Walter when he spoke about asking Kandi to go out for a milk shake in 1982, but seriously, she’s ready for a mature, committed relationship.

Meanwhile, back in NYC, Nene is on the subway and about to vomit, but some kids from a performing arts school recognize her from “Glee” and Nene perks up and tells them to follow their dreams-n-shit.  Cynthia and Nene disembark after two stops and Cynthia chows down on a hot dog from a street vendor.  Wah wah…these two are boring the hell outta me.

Kenya arrives at Porsha’s event with her overblown ego and her friend named “Kanya”.  All she needs now is Kanye to show up, oh wait, no men allowed.  Except for Porsha’s hubby, Kordell, who shows up with a Chanel Bag for Porsha and a donation.  Porsha does kick him out and then she stammers through her unrehearsed valley girl speech and she makes a huge blunder by introducing Kenya as Miss America 1993.  Kenya corrects her, “Miss USA” and is clearly annoyed.  She equates it to introducing Michelle Obama as the First Lady of Zimbabwe.  I equate this to Kenya grasping at the straws of relevance.

Porsha notices Kenya’s disdain, then Kenya leaves claiming she is too cold.  Kenya calls Lawrence and squawks “that heffer called me Miss America!”  Porsha walks up on the shade throwing and goes back in, but then comes back out again and they start arguing.  Kenya calls her event “whack” and they argue about who is being more disrespectful. 

I can understand Kenya being a bit miffed that Porsha couldn’t even get her title correct, and the event was a tad hokey, but isn’t a Miss USA supposed to handle these situations with grace and poise.  Isn’t that the first rule of pageantry…POISE COUNTS!  If you stumble, if you hesitate, you can kiss the crown goodbye.  Now if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times – poise counts!  It’s just as important as the others.  Swimsuit!  Evening wear!  Talent!  POISE!  (See Seinfeld, The Chaperone – It’s a classic!)

A somewhat uneventful episode, but certainly setting the stage for drama.  Next week, looks like a donkey booty butt dial starts a fresh controversy.

Ham and Cheese

We begin this week with Andy Cohen’s America’s favorite housewife, Nene.  She is gearing up for the L.A. Pride Parade and her fans are out in droves as she throws “I’m Very Rich” tee shirts to the crowd.  As the heat from the L.A. sun beats down on her in the back of “The New Normal” convertible, it melts the ice around her cold, black heart…she gets a bit emotional at all of the fanfare and recognition and it actually seems sincere.

Meanwhile at the corner of Peachtree and Peachtree, Kandi and Phaedra hook up at the BBB Bottle Bar Buckhead.  Kandi has invited Kenya to join them so they can immerse themselves in crazy.  When Kenya shows up, the first thing Phaedra zeroes in on is her big ol’ donkey booty.  Phaedra makes tactical error number one and calls her “Miss America”.  Sheesh Phaedra, NOBODY CARES EVERYBODY KNOWS she was Miss USA!  Get it straight, girlfriend.  Kenya mentions she is originally from Detroit and Phaedra says “so you will go ham and cheese on somebody”.  Translation:  She’ll cut a bitch.  They get into a perfectly scripted discussion about the JET Beauty of the Week judging at Cynthia Bailey Agency.  Kenya said Cynthia didn’t speak up, but her little minion did.  She has no shame in admitting that she was all like… “bitch please” and had her security guard throw Cynthia’s assistant out.  Gay assistants who weigh 105 pounds are a real threat to this beauty queen!  At least she recounts her behavior somewhat accurately, so you can’t call this psycho self-unaware.  She stands in her truth crazy.  Phaedra sucks up the drama like filling from an oversized éclair and tells us this is the funniest shit she has heard all day.  Kenya equates Cynthia to the scarecrow looking for brain and Phaedra says “I am enjoying you!”  Yes for now, until she sinks her teeth in to your man like a rabid meerkat.  Previews lead us to believe Kenya sets her sights on Apollo, but that could all be editing.  More will be revealed…

Meanwhile Kim plays with KJ for 2.8 seconds before sending him off with the nanny for a nap.  Sidebar:  KJ is a spitting image of Kroy.  Kim and Sweetie take a meeting in Kim’s office to break down the housing situation.  Yes, Kim the unemployed, has an office, I guess she uses it to count her wig money.  Sweetie, the unexpected voice of reason, suggests that Kim go back to live in her townhouse.  Kim is very concerned, it’s not the 70,000 square feet she’s grown accustomed to waddling around in.  The townhouse doesn’t have a pool, a basketball court, or doorways wide enough fit her head through!  She would rather rent the top floor of the “W” Hotel.  Spoken like a true homeless person.  All of this crazy talk of Kim living in such squalor has tuckered her out she calls for her nanny, she needs a nap.

Kenya greets her aunt Lori, who brings flowers and Kenya immediately criticizes them and calls them Wal-Mart flowers.  Kenya shows Lori her office and explains how she will hang pictures of herself everywhere.  Lori calls it “narcissistic but that’s you!”  The pair sit down over champagne and strawberries to discuss Kenya’s love life.  Lori is pissed that she hasn’t met Walter yet and they have been dating two years.  Lori brings up Eric, “a real man”, and Kenya defends Walter and turns on the water works.  Disapproving Lori is not yet immune to crocodile tears, and she caves in “if you like him, I’ll like him”.

Cynthia, Nene, and Phaedra all get together for a faux-workout with Dexter the trainer.  Nene shows up in grey pajamas and no shoes.  After about two minutes, they’re all exhausted and they cop a squat on a germ ridden floor mat and sip Perrier.  Cynthia wants to throw a “Women in Power” party for Nene and even Kim will be invited.  Nene inquires on the status of Kenya, asking “Who is she what she all about?”  Nene’s shampoo girl spotted Kenya, Phaedra, and Kandi and the bar having lunch.  Cynthia gives her version of how the Jet casting went and asks Phaedra what was said about her at the lunch.  Cynthia gives Phaedra a sassy smirk, and Phaedra responds “I’m not one for gossip…”  Nene puts her eyeballs back in her head and Phaedra brings up Miss America.  Nene gets line of the night so far “Child, where was she miss America honey, how many years ago was that, this year is 2012!”  Phaedra wants them to give Kenya the benefit of the doubt but Cynthia is a no go.  Everybody knows there’s two sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.  Word up sista!  Dexter returns after running 12 miles to tell them social time is over.  Now Dexter, you know they only came to the gym to gossip and so Phaedra could make her ass wink at you.

Kim and Kroy take a romantic dinner on a docked boat for her birthday.  He has all of her favorite hillbilly foods and Dr. Pepper on ice.  Kim has decked herself out in an ace bandage and a skirt.  He gives her a gift, which is the diamond bracelet she wore on their wedding day.  The bracelet was her “something borrowed” and Kroy spent that last rent payment on it, so it is no longer borrowed.  They have no home, can’t afford to take the boat for a cruise, but he’s buying expensive jewelry.  Whatevs…the birthday scene is so hillbilly, in case you missed it…

Kenya and Walter sit down for their own romantic dinner and she tells him a story about a big black snake she encountered while hiking and she immediately called her aunt Lori.  Somehow she Oprahed the situation into being a sign that Kenya is adjusting well to change.  She’s 40 years plus and she wants to see where she and Walter are going.  Sidebar:  up close Kenya has horrible skin, either that or a blind makeup artist.  

Walter keeps raising eyebrows, pulling faces, and taking triple shots of tequila.  Kenya asks him about skeletons in his closet and he tells her he “axed out Kandi, but she shut me down.”  This sends Kenya into complete and total orbit.  He doesn’t see what the big deal is because Kandi turned him down.  However, in Kenya Land, this is even worse because now Kandi has that juicy nugget in her back pocket.  Kenya gives him some big ass speech about big asses and tells the waitress to pack her food to go.  Walter is wishing with every fiber of his being that he hadn’t told her this and he says “pump the brakes”.  There are no breaks Walter, this bitch is careening down the crazy trail.  Kenya leaves for several minutes and finally returns from pouting in the bathroom.  Walter placates her with sweet talk and as soon as he says he loves “all that chocolate” she melts, pun intended.  Her face looks like a Nestle Crunch bar that’s been in the sun too long.  They toss another half-gallon of tequila down their gullets and call it a night.  Something tells me we may see Kenya portrayed on an episode of “Snapped”.

Kandi and Todd welcome Phaedra over to their new home and we learn that Phaedra is afraid of dogs, but only live ones.  Phaedra is very excited about the new home and responds completely opposite of how Kim did during her visit.  The two get to talking about the faux-workout Phaedra had with Nene and Cynthia and she throws out the invite to the “Women in Power Party”.  Kandi has a laugh, if the party is for powerful women, she better be there.

The power party is “very highbrow and very pedestrian”, Phaedra says.  They wait around hours for Cynthia and Nene to show up.  Nene has a wardrobe malfunction and Cynthia has no excuse.  Kim and Sweetie arrive and get pissed off and bored within 45 seconds.  Kim is sneaking out and runs into Nene and it’s a Mexican standoff at the elevator.  Nene tries to convince her to stay for a few minutes and Kim finally concedes, but says she must “go Tee Tee first”.  Then Kim and Sweetie bolt out the door like assess.

The rest of the ladies gather by the pool and Cynthia gives a toast to Nene while Kenya mercilessly mocks her the entire time.  Cynthia calls Nene a “real grinder” and I am not sure what that means.  Is Nene a hoagie, is she a slutty dancer, is she a gay man lookin’ for love in aisle four of Wal-Mart?  I’m so confused.  Kenya grabs the microphone and says “enough of the clown show” and gives her own speech.  In all the years of housewives, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a new castmate behave so ballz out, over the top, obnoxious.

Kenya then takes Nene aside to make sure that they can be BFF despite her and Cynthia’s rough start.  Cynthia pops over like Honey Boo Boo on Go Go Juice and Kenya calls her a “talking head”.  Cynthia hits Kenya where it hurts (her age) and asks her what year she was Miss America (ahem…she wasn’t) and if she was before or after Vanessa Williams (1983).  Nene tells us that Cynthia can “read people, I mean reeeaaad!”  Cynthia demonstrated that by zinging Kenya about her age, and it was actually a good one.  Nene gives a quick, blunt speech, and high tails it out.  Could our Nene really have turned over a new leaf?  Looks like next week the new housewife shows up to tangle with Kenya.

Kenya Be Moore Bath Salt Cray Cray?

Welcome back ATL fans…oh how I have missed these crazy broads and now we have two new ones to boot.  Let’s start by remembering our fallen housewife, She by Shereé.  The ride was good while it lasted honey, but if I had to look at your man face and listen to you talk about the pile of dirt that is Chateau by Shereé and your ill-fated clothing line for one more season, I might stab myself.  And thank goodness, we are rid of the insidious Marlo, although she was never a real housewife!

We have some new tag lines for the opening this year.  Nene has arrived, Kandi is small, but her empire keeps on growing, Cynthia knows that beauty fades, but class is forever (Tell that to the countess!)  Kim asks, believes, and got herself a wide receiver (actually a defensive tight end), and Phaedra is still our southern gal…brains, booty, and all business.  Kenya Moore is the latest addition and she is letting us know up front, she won Miss USA, not miss congeniality!  And boy does she set out to prove it in the season 5 opener.

We catch up with Nene and Gregg, he comes in the front door with some mail and he is reciting her catch phrase from last season “I’m rich bitch!”  I’m guessing there was a Trump check in the mail.  He wants Nene to “kiss the mail man” and he says she has a “beautiful back, but I need to see yo’ front”.  Eww…Gregg…Just…Eww.  Can’t you two just go back to having tension ridden stare downs while sitting at the breakfast nook?  What is all of this gratuitous fawning???  Apparently, Nene and Gregg are “dating”, whatever that means.  I think it’s more like “estranged spouses with benefits” if that is even a valid status.  Nene discusses her plans, which don’t include Gregg.  She’s got the bug and she is going to move to L.A. to shoot her new show “The New Normal”.  Sidebar:  If you have a chance to check out “The New Normal”, it is quite funny, but Nene is a minor player here.  The real stars of the show are Ellen Barkin and Andrew Rannells.

But I digress, Nene’s commentary about the “New Nene Normal” wouldn’t be complete without a Kim insult, she said she will move into her trailer where Kim was raised, oops…where she will shoot the new show.  Nene and Gregg review the status of their relationship and what went wrong we are treated to a flashback of Kandi and Kim listening to a sound byte of Gregg trash talking his then wife on the radio, saying she squandered $300K of his money and that she turned into a fame whore.  Slightly fightin’ words…however, Gregg vows to get his “sexy back” and to not only get Nene back, but to see her front.  If that wasn’t repulsive enough, let’s throw in some platitudes Greggy, “We may have given out but we didn’t give up.”  He asks for a house key so he doesn’t have to ring the bell like a UPS man but, Nene laughs at him and exits stage left.  Sidebar:  What’s up with Nene’s crazy wig from the Brett Michael’s collection?  In case you missed it…

Kandi sits down to dinner with her new boyfriend Todd.  Her boo, her love, all of that and above.  And can we just say America, he is foyyyyyynne!  Kandi spoke about him briefly at the reunion last year and Todd was part of the production crew during last season’s Africa trip.  At dinner, they talk about moving into their new house, marriage, and children.  Todd and Kandi have one daughter each so they would like to have a son together and name him Kash, which Kandi points out is also how they paid for their house, in cash.  Now who’s rich, bitch?  Actually, we’ve known that Kandi is the richest one on the cast, her net worth is about $35 million.  Sidebar:  We learned at the reunion last season that Kim was pregnant again and she has since had the baby and named him Kash.  Hopefully Kim’s stupidity will save Kandi from giving her child a ridiculous name and they will name him something sensible like “Icouldbuyandsellyoubeeyotch”.  In all seriousness, happy for Kandi and thankful she is keepin’ it real!

Speaking of Kim, we catch up with her and she is wearing the same shirt as Nene, bright blue with shoulder cutouts.  Foreshadowing?  Will this dynamic duo of hate reunite this season?  Kim is opening presents for KJ’s first birthday and she receives a card from her parents with a $25 check.  She tosses it aside and we learn that she has not spoken to them since her over the top wedding where Kim practically threw her mother out for using the indoor bathroom.  Kim should have known better, it’s hard to smoke meth in a port-o-potty no matter how crafty you are.  We see that Kim has also re-hired Sweetie the Slug and they are prepping to move, again.  The house they are renting and were planning on buying apparently appraised for 1 million less than the asking price and the evil landlord, Kendra the decorating witch, will not extend the lease.  They need to move in two weeks or be evicted.  Kim receives a call from a moving organizer with a quote on moving costs of $101,000.00.  She laughs herself right off her chair and calls him a douche.  Kroy is kneeling at the counter, shoveling corn chip rounds and jarred salsa into his mouth and doesn’t seem to care much.  He’s ready to knock Kim off her pedestal, return it to Rent-A-Center, pack up the Escalade with only what it can hold, and just drive.  Kim can’t deal with all of this activity, she has a headache and needs a nap.

Phaedra and her donkey booty visit a veterinarian to discuss her next business venture.  Phaedra does not want to limit the mortician business to just people, she wants to expand it to everything that can be buried.  Phaedra explains to the vet that she’s from the old school, her dogs “just went for shots and just kind of died”.  She doesn’t really know what they did with the dead pets, for all she knows they could be laying in the creek.  She tells the vet she wants to be the go to source for any of her clients that have a need for a pet funeral.  The beleaguered veterinarian smiles, “It’s a deal, let me show you out.”  Annnnnndddd…scene!

Cynthia and Peter are getting ready for dinner and her ex-husband, Leon, comes down the stairs to join them.  Peter decides he wants to heat up some leftovers instead of eating Cynthia’s meal and she flips her lid.  Leon lectures them, “why don’t you two act like you got company?!?!?”  Leon asks Cynthia about their daughter Noelle’s schooling and she explains she is still being home schooled because Noelle was not flourishing at school and was sad every day.  Weren’t we all sad about going to school every day when we were 12?  What is truly sad here is the thought of Cynthia homeschooling anyone.  Let me guess, lesson number one:  Friendship Contracts, The Do’s and Don’ts.  Leon wants Noelle in regular school and be around other kids.  Cynthia implies that Leon is not around enough to be making these kinds of judgment calls and they decide to ask Noelle what she wants to do.  Noelle lays it down, “I never wanted to be homeschooled in the first place, I want to go back to school!”  Leon:  1 and Cynthia:  minus 10 for being so out of touch with her daughter.

Kenya meets with Lawrence, who seems to have quickly forgotten about his fallen comrade, She by Shereé.  Kenya gushes over how good he looks and he attributes it to “eating properly and a combo of stress and bullshit.”  Kenya contemplates the chicken queso soup and asparagus fries and her boyfriend, Walter.  Walter sports a 1990’s hi-top fade haircut and he wants to get married, but she’s been proposed to six times and she could ever take the next step.  Her and her 7,000 square-foot house in the country are very happy together.  Kenya, never tiring of talking about Kenya, tells us she is an actor, producer, author, director, a hustler, a model, and the second black woman to be crowned Miss USA.  She’s a tough girl but “don’t let the Louboutin’s fool you, I will beat a bitch down.”  Now there’s a tagline!  Kenya Moore makes Marlo Thompson look like a cuddly kitty cat.  Kenya moved from L.A. back to Atlanta so she can be on the show cultivate her personal life.  Turns out Kenya was raise by her aunt. Kenya’s mom never acknowledged that she even had a child.  This should make for some juicy television, but that is actually very sad and explains her fear of commitment.  Nevertheless, Kenya reveals her ultimate goal is to get Walter to put a ring on it.  Nice stank face…

Kim and sweetie arrive at Kandi and Todd’s new home for a visit.  Kim is literally bitching right out of the gate…really…she is bitching about how only one side of the gate opens to allow her to drive up to the house.  Kim and Sweetie the Slug spill out of the land rover, which is filled with judgment, bitterness, and resentment.  Kim is already commenting about how the house was a foreclosure, it’s in da’ hood, and she is appalled that Kandi doesn’t already have the entire home re-done.  I guess when Kandi finishes the home, Kim will send her a card saying “Congrats on your re-done home”.  (Shout out to bitter, feuding cast members of RHNJ!)

Anyhoo…Kandi gives Kim and Sweetie the Slug a full tour and the insults are tossed around freely.  Kandi takes them over to the guest house (yes, it’s actually two houses) and admits that she is getting a little peeved at Kim’s comments, but it’s likely that Kim is jealous because Kandi is moving into her own dream home and Kim’s dream home is becoming a nightmare.  Kandi shows them the indoor pool and Kim exclaims “well that’s perfect, you don’t need sun.  If I was black I have an indoor pool too!”  Not.  At.  All.  Racist.  Kim announces her brilliant plan it to stay in her home and let Kendra evict.  Kandi points out it will occur right after the baby comes, but Kim is nonplussed, chaos follows her wherever she waddles.

Nene takes a meeting with Ryan Murphy, a real director/producer.  They workshop some ideas for Nene’s character on “The New Normal” and she reveals that she’s dating Gregg again, that’s her new normal.  Ryan is really interested in writing that story line into the show.  Nene Leakes practically writes herself.  Nene decides it would be fun to call Tyler Perry and she gets a disconnected message.  They throw their heads back in laughter, it doesn’t Matter that Tyler Perry changed his number and gave Nene the shake because Nene is a big star now and she is snapping necks and cashing checks.

At the Bailey Agency, School for Streetwalkers, Cynthia has an open call for Jet Magazine, Coochie Crack Beauty of the Week.  She invited Kenya to be a judge and something tells me this will not end well.  They review the various models and find some potentials, but let’s just talk about the girl with the tattoo of a two headed pit bull for a moment, shall we?  They ask her about the tattoo and she says she has multiple personalities all of which have vicious potential.  Foreshadowing???  As if that wasn’t bad enough, it looks like she hasn’t shaved her armpits and she’s got a bad case of the Summer teeth.  Kenya is being an asshole, there’s no other way to crack it.  Cynthia’s patience is wearing thin, and the people from Jet look appalled.  The next girl comes down the runway in a very skimpy bikini and Kenya is going on and on about her ass crack showing.  Then she starts in on her coochie crack and says “clearly you didn’t have time to shave.”  Kenya notes the model also didn’t have time to get her ass to Target and buy an appropriate swimsuit.  Ironically, Kenya is lettin’ all her ugly bits hang out tonight.

Kenya can’t believe that she has to be subjected to these hot ass messes.  At this point, Cynthia’s assistants start speaking up to Kenya, asking her to tone it down and not be so disrespectful and they get into a full blown meow down.  Kenya yells “Bitch PLEASE… SECURITY… SECURITY!” and Kenya’s goons swoop in to cart the assistant out of his OWN PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT!  Cynthia “If I only had a backbone” Bailey should have asked Kenya to leave, but she attempts to keep the peace and lay down some “rules”, which Kenya wipes her crack with.  Without further ado, Kenya jumps up to give a speech to the finalists, basically stealing Cynthia’s thunder.  In a too late attempt to maintain her authority, Cynthia gives a speech basically saying the same thing that Crazy Kenya did.  Kenya spits some side comments “I just said that!”  She tells us that she can see Cynthia is clearly intimidated by her and she doesn’t have an original thought in her own head.  Cynthia is gearing up for a battle…bitch please it’s on.

It looks like it should be a drama filled season, and I’m sure Kenya will bring on da’ noise, bring on da’ funk.  One new cast member, Porsche Stewart, was missing in the premiere, but she looks just as drama filled.