Just Desserts

Oh where oh where is Caroline Manzo, voice of reason, when you need her?  She advised us very early on during the RHNJ franchise “When you hang around garbage, you start to stink!”  That won’t stop little Joe Gorga, the li’l entrepreneur with spray on hair in a can that could.  He has invested a ton o’ cash into the garbage bidness, but wait…it’s not disposal of old meat trimmings and banana peels, the Gorgas are now in the “extremely important document smushing” bidness.  It’s much more L.A. Chic and certainly conveeeeenient, now that his sister and brother and law are headed to the pokey for, among other things, falsifying federal documents.  Joe is giddy over creating pulverized paper that is worth millions.  At least he hopes, he calmly tells Melissa that they are going to have to sacrifice, stay in their 5,000 foot rental home of squalor, and possibly lose everything if the document smushing doesn’t prove to bring home da’ sausage.

Meanwhile, across town, Amber Alert and her wormy hubby, Jim, are at their formal dining table trying to teach their kids manners and discussing their next fambly commercial for his residential mortgage company.  We get to see a clip of his prior commercial, which fits right in with the low budget, hokey commercials you see at 3 a.m. when you can’t sleep and you’re stuck watching re-runs of “Cheaters”.  If you’re going to call Jim for a mortgage, might as well stay tuned for the Peter Francis Geraci commercial.  Amber demonstrates her “look at those low rates hair flip” she did at the end of the commercial, which they claim made them “millions”.  Jim is ready to put the kids to work as talent in the commercial, nothing says love like exploiting your fambly.

At the Goo-boo-chays, guess what?  It’s another freakin’ photo shoot.  This time it’s for Teresa’s Fabulicious dessert line.  As usual, Milania is sassing and trying to break the photographer’s camera.  After he fights her off, she lunges at him, hisses, and calls him a “butt hole”.  Ahhh…a girl after Sean Penn’s heart.

Tre-Desserts

Tre has invited the ladies over to taste her desserts and while en route to the dessert tasting of doom, Melissa and Amber are rekindling their frenemy-ship status by talkin’ trash about the Non-Dynamic Duo, Nicole and Ter-esss-uh.  Amber labels them as party crashers, even though she invited them to the Fall Festivus.  Nicole’s ex hubby, Bobby is Jim’s bestie, so Amber Alert is in the know and says there was some cheating going on there and calls Nicole a home wrecker.  Amber Alert certainly doesn’t mean to be a gossip (yes you do bitch), but she trusts Melissa (tactical error #1).

At Tre’s home, we flash back to the birth of Gabriella and we are reminded that Dina is Gab’s god mother, which explains why she has remained so close with Tre.  We see production ask Dina in confessional if she is closer to Tre than her own sister and Dina answers “I’m not goin’ there.”  Tre feeds the ladies desserts while they are blindfolded so that they can’t tell the desserts were purchased from the Kathy Wakile hour on QVC.  Melissa admits she is a big fan of “being blindfolded and having things stuffed in my mouth”.  Ugh…WTMI.  Amber Alert can’t let anyone else have her spotlight, so she takes the moment to apologize to Tre if she felt offended by anyone at her Fall Harvest party.  Tre gives a diplomatic reply and she and Amber tear up because they can relate so much to each other.  Amber Alert compares her cancer survival story to Tre’s situation.  Hmmm…surviving breast cancer vs. being indicted on 489 federal charges?  Yeah, same shit.  Amber is waxing philosophical about fambly, cancer, blah, blah, blah.  Tre gives her the triple eye blink, “You’re okay now?”  Yes, ok…moving on.  Dina is annoyed that Amber Alert keeps playing the cancer card and it reeks of trying too hard to fit in the group.

The Non-Dynamic Duo couldn’t attend Tre’s dessert party so they invite Tre and Juicy out for a couples dinner at one of Rino’s restaurants.  Ter-ess-uh broaches the topic of what Tre and Juicy are “going through” and that they will be there to support them in any way, except financially of course.  Bobby invites Juicy out for a “guys nite” and he accepts.  They all cheer and have a nice evening, no drama here…

Amber Alert and Melissa meet for dinner, Melissa has selected her outfit from the “Rhythm Nation” collection.  They discuss how much they enjoy being housewives, Amber Alert “gets the whole women’s lib thing”…(and shit), but nothing beats being a housewife in Jersey.  Amber Alert alerts Melissa that she is also an actress and is well aware of Melissa’s singing incapability.  Amber Alert really wants to know what makes Melissa tick, besides a couple of worn out AAA batteries.  She asks Melissa, if she were faced with cancer, would she choose singing or her family.  Duh…obvi!  Amber Alert’s point is that she has learned so much from this “cancer thing” and when she didn’t hear from Melissa, she wrote her off as a cold hearted bitch.  Melissa asks her to be clear about the expectation of their “friendship” and doesn’t want to continue to nit-pick and would rather move on.  Amber Alert is in full agreement, but something tells me this won’t be all cheese-n-bacon for long.

Jim and Bobby get together, as long as Amber Alert is out with the cold hearted bitch, they get to have some fun.  They feed the kids some McDonalds and non-organic ice cream.  Clearly Jim is terrified of Amber alert, hell so am I.  She is a full throttle, pedal to the metal, nito burnin’ bitch.  But Jim is just a stupid douche, Amber Alert is going to see her kids on national television sucking up happy meals like it’s black tar heroin.  Bobby and Jim send the kids away to play off their sugar buzz and the two “adults” discuss their upcoming “guys nite”.  Jim tells Bobby he won’t go because the two Joes “brawl like every five minutes”, and lord knows Jim the wormy worm boy can’t defend himself in a slapping fight to save his life.  Jim gets down to the real reason and feels that since the Goo-boo-chays are under indictment for mortgage fraud, it would be a conflict of interest (as a class D mortgage banker) to hang out with Juicy, or to join the cast on the same show?  HYPOCRITE!

There is a small scene showing Lexi reading the rejection letter from NYU, but never fear, mom Dina has a small BVLGARI bag containing a red snake bracelet as a symbol of shedding her skin and changing.  I wish everyone on this show would change…

Guys Nite is finally upon us and they gather at Lucky Strike bowling alley.  Lo and behold, ROSIE tags along and Rino takes an immediate liking to her.  The Joes inquire about Jim’s absence and Bobby uses the excuse of the two Joes being too violent.  Gorga already thinks the guy is a “prick”, yeah us too.  Bobby changes the subject by announcing his upcoming “first responder party”.  I swear these idiots can throw a party based on any theme they pull out of their ass.  The Goo-boo-chays should throw an “Icing on the Indictments Winter Wing Ding”.

Meanwhile at Dina’s, she has welcomed a medium named James.  All I can hope here is that he is as nasty and deliciously repulsive as that medium from RHBH, Allison DuBois.  Tre arrives in her fuzzy “read me like a trashy romance novel” fedora and James begins receiving vibes right away.  He sees Tre moving soon and says Juicy is going through his own personal hell.  He also asks if Juicy’s father had passed, which is a bit eerie because this would have been filmed shortly before he did pass.  James sees that it will work out fine for Tre, but not so sure about Juicy.  He sees doing time or paying some sort of restitution.  Tre is stunned, but I don’t know why.  She actually looks awful, as if he has been crying for days.

Real Housewives of New Jersey season 6 ep 3

Melissa and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a store that is not Posche to do some shopping and gossiping.  The twins tell Melissa that Jim doesn’t want to be around the Joes because they fight too much and because Juicy Goo-boo-chay is a future felon.  Melissa goes from zero to pissed in a matter of two seconds and it’s turn up time!  She immediately spills the beans to the twins that Amber Alert not only said they crashed her party but that Nicole kinda like “wrecked a fambly” like…

Melissa-Home_Wreck

 

Annnnnnd the Non-Dynamic-Duo flip out in tandem, leave the store wearing clothes they haven’t paid for yet, and plan to drive to Amber Alert’s house to confront her.  Thank goodness they had to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and the gas station, because it gives this mess on wheels a bit of cool down time and they have a transitory moment of common sense.  They sit in the driveway and decide it isn’t the right time to put Amber Alert on blast.  Better idea to confront her at the first responder’s party when everyone is present in their slutty first responder costumes.  At least there will be plenty of first responders to break up the fight.

Oh Christmas Plea

It’s Christmas time in Joysey and Bravo’s gift to us is the new taglines from the housewives this season:

• “You never know how strong you are until it’s the only choice you have.” -Teresa

• “I’ve learned to forgive and never regret.” – Melissa

• “You’re not seeing double, you’re seeing trouble!” – The Non-Dynamic Duo, Ter-ess-uh and Nicole

• “I’m a survivor, no one is bringing me down.” – Amber Alert

• “I’m back to bring the Zen. Namaste, bitches!” – Dina

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way, we get to see a slice of each family preparing for the holidays. The Goo-boo-chay family is hauling out the décor in mass quantities, Tre says she is trying to “keep it normal”. The Gorgas are doing the same in their “small” rental home that is not fit for their 12 foot Christmas tree. They are forced to live in such squalor, Antonia hates the “small, disgusting house”. I can’t believe they have to live in that hovel that looks like about a 4,000 square foot brick house that the average American would dream of having.

The Non-Dynamic Duo are dressed in their Santa hats, ready to decorate. We learn that their mother is named “Santa”, which means “saint” in Italian. Ter-ess-uh’s son, Giovanni, discusses learning the restaurant business from his father, Rino. Ter-ess-uh is so proud, almost as proud as she is of her “Diva” wineglass she created with fabric paint and glitter. The father of the Non-Dynamic Duo, Sal starts imparting his wisdom about keeping tradition alive, something about the Hebrews and the Chinese, ehhh…he’s bored with this whole imparting wisdom thing and needs a cigarette. Santa is sitting in the chair, rubbing her eyebrows off.

At Amber Alert’s home, her children are making a hideous gingerbread house and she informs us that her children’s lives are “perfect and controlled”. We’re going to have to bump her up her to red alert. Later on, she conducts a fire drill with her family to make sure they are prepared for a Christmas disaster. She is trying to be prepared, but she is a real ball buster. She horrifies her children by telling them they have failed miserably, the dog is dead and mom and dad are fried to a crisp.

Fire Drill

Dina is putting up some sort of sad Christmas tree made out of nuts, corn cobs, and stray twigs she collected out of her lawn. She has a few wishes on her Christmas list, a bundle of divorce therapy sessions and a handful o’ Percocet. Namaste, bitches. Dina’s sister Fran is there for a visit, she looks exactly like Caroline in a wig. They discuss Lexi’s future, getting accepted to college, and I am dozing off.

Another day, Dina is wearing her “let’s kibbitz over kale and gluten free toast” fedora, and she meets with Nicole to talk divorce and dating. Dina is on the brink of loneliness, divorcing her husband and sending her daughter away to college. They get to talking about Amber Alert, and Dina comments that she thinks Amber is “sweet”. Nicole hesitates to share her thoughts on Amber, just a second too long, which preps us for some impending drama between the two over-tanned hags.

The Gorgas decide to wander around in the vacant lot where their new McMansion is being built. Melissa plans to decorate the new home “L.A. Chic”, and admits she has no idea what that means. Melissa is denying that they moved because of Teresa (flashback to the reunion where she said they were moving to flee the Goo-boo-chay clan), but they are moving so Joe can be closer to work. Out of nowhere, Melissa has the brilliant idea to tell Joe to pee on the property. Tre and Dina happen to be in the area and pop in for a visit. Dina is trying to keep an open mind when it comes to Melissa, but you can tell Melissa already has a check mark next to her name on Dina’s blackboard. Joe and Tre have a heart to heart, brother and sister moment. Tre is optimistic, heck, even strangers at the Costco are praying for her. Joe doesn’t want to hug and get all emotional, so they fist bump it out.

Rino is teaching his son Giovanni about his restaurant in Little Italy. He shows him the basic basics, “these are the refrigerators, where we keep the food”. Think that was a given? What is more disconcerting is the comment about the cooking of the pasta and clams, “It’s like a woman, the flavor comes from underneath.” I think I will let that one stand on its own.

Melissa and Joe get together with the cousins for an early Christmas dinner and they exchange gag gifts. Joe gets a fruit cake from Rosie.  Oh Rosie, how we’ve missed you!

Rosie-Fruitcake

Kathy gets some horny goat weed, Rosie gets a strange looking vibrator, and oddly enough, Tre gets a dictionary.  Err?

Teresa-Dictionary

It’s Christmas morning at the Goo-boo-chay home and the girls are showered with an EZ Bake oven from Santa and they all get knit caps that say “HOMIE” on them. Really? Then the girls hear some rustling in the other room, lo and behold it’s a puppy! Way to distract the little ones, jailbirds! Now we have to find an orphanage that takes pets. Too soon for that joke?

Nicole’s boyfriend, Bobby the loser chach-bag, stops by and gives her a wine bottle holder in the shape of a high heeled shoe. Her mom comments that she has “seen that at Colts Neck Pharmacy, that’s probably where he got it!” Nicole isn’t materialistic, but she finds Bobby’s gift a little telling. Yes, it’s “telling” you that he is an idiot who shops at the last minute for your Christmas gift at the local five and dime.

Nicole-Gift

Joe and Melissa are playing outside with their kids and Joe gets his tongue stuck on a pole. Maybe he will stop talking. Uggh…Meanwhile, across town, Tre and Juicy have put the girls to bed with their new puppy. Milania is clutching the dog so tightly, I am afraid she might accidentally murder it in its sleep. Tre and Juicy have some adult Christmas alone time with some Fabellini by the fire. He gives her a card and gives the cameras his “whatever” speech… “y’know if for whatever reason things were to turn out for the worst, you know, whatever, I would have to go wherever, you know, on vacation, or let’s just say, to college, let’s say whatever…” Ugh…yes go to college, please, and take that dictionary with you! Tre notices he is choking back tears, but she is confident that this will not be their last Christmas together. No Tre, you will be bringing him unlimited supplies of soap on a rope for the next several Christmases!

Juicy-Xmas

Fall Festivus

We begin this season showing events from February 28, 2014. Joe has given up on the spray on hair and is going au naturel. He and Melissa are watching the latest news on Tre and Juicy, and they have let bygones be bygones. Once again, they are visiting that “good place”, for now. Melissa calls Tre to check in, but Tre is feverishly rowing her one woman canoe up the river of d’nial. She tells Melissa that none of the reports are true, they have not plead guilty to federal charges and the plea deal is still pending. G to the ia looks on disapprovingly, she tells her mom that she is old enough to “comprehend and understand what is going on”. Tre tries to give her the “mommy and daddy will handle it” speech, but she breaks down and G to the ia follows. Oddly, G to the ia smiles and starts crying just like Caroline Manzo does.

Caroline-Crying

We flash back to “three months earlier” when it was bidness as usual at the Goo-boo-chay house, Milania is sassing everyone within a five foot radius. Gabriella tries to help Milania with some homework and Milania asks if she can go read a book while Gab “does this”. I have to say, I like her delegating wherewithal! Juicy is up to his typical parenting, poking his head around the corner, “do your homework or you won’t eat for a week!” Dina Manzo is at the door, and proclaims, “The Bitch is back and you can kiss my ass.” Dina is apparently Teresa’s “ride or die” pal, but she will not address her relationship with Caroline. Insert eye roll here… Dina presents Tre with a guardian angel bracelet, but there ain’t no guardian angel powerful enough to save her Goo-boo-chay ass from the Feds. Tre confides in Dina that she is stressing about paying for attorney fees, how she will provide for G to the ia to attend college? Hell, that’s what poles, body glitter, and clear heels are for.

Dina claims she is “pretty zen until you f*ck with me.” Apparently so, because her hubby, Tommy, is cheating on her, but she refuses to file for divorce and Dina later confides in her therapist that they have a “friends with benefits” agreement. She fears of dying a lonely hairless cat lady (cats are hairless, not Dina), but Dina does find solace in her variety of disadvantaged pets.

Dina-Pets

Melissa and Tre get together for a play date and Tre is wearing her “We’re in a good place” fedora. The girls are doing some gymnastics routine and Milania demonstrates that has the twerking down to science, don’t worry about that college fund, Tre. While Antonia does a face plant on the gymnastic mat, Melissa informs Tre that her friend, Amber, has invited her to a fall harvest party. Why don’t Tre and Dina tag along and meet the ladies who will become their mortal enemies?

Tre-Fedora

Annnnd we meet Amber, a fun li’l lollipop dipped in psycho. She is extremely high-strung, bossy, control freak, who sets her makeup gun to “third shift ho”. Her husband Jim brings in a whole raw pig for the upcoming fall festival party and terrorizes the shit out of her and her daughter. Amber appears to be a two-face, she looks like two different people with and without her makeup team. She used to be one of Melissa’s party buddies, but Amber must point out that she went for her education, while Melissa wanted to marry for money, and did! Groundwork being laid for conflict. After Melissa married Joe, she “fell off the face of the earth” according to Amber. Amber alert…don’t we wish.

Giant Pig

Next we meet a new Teresa (pronounced Ter-ehh-suh) and Nicole, they are friends of Amber’s and, as if this weren’t hard enough, they are identical twins. They are both the same shade of Oompa Loompa orange, so they will be hard to tell apart. Ter-ehh-suh is married to Rino, who owns two restaurants and she thinks she is queen of Little Italy. She divorced Rino and then re-married him. Nicole is divorced and has a chach- bag boyfriend of nine months. Nicole makes her impression by saying that “A woman only needs two things: Dunkin’ Donuts and oral sex.” These two are going to be a handful. We will call them the Non-Dynamic Duo (NDD).

Oompa Loompa

At the fall festival from hell, Rino is wearing his best “Good Fellas” suit, he looks like he would smell of bourbon, determination, and seeing a man about a horse. He dominates the conversation by talking about how he was circumcised at 27. Amber is freakin’ about people spilling everywhere and says “what book of ettiqueacy are they reading?” Great, another one with her own language. Tre and Dina walk in and Tre already feels the thick cloak of judgment descending upon her. Dina talks about her cancer foundation, which segues into Amber informing us she is a breast cancer survivor and she is five years cancer free. Tre and Ter-ehh-suh bond over their love of the same restaurants and Dina and the other half of the NDD bond over being divorced, their love of glitter glue, and bump-its.

I am so bored right now, what happened to the magical formula of season three when the premiere featured that christening blow out? This season is off to a slow burn, and then this scripted moment happened:

Amber finally decides to heat up this Festivus flop and begin with her “airing of the grievances”. She corners Melissa to confront her about losing contact. When Melissa tries to flip the script on her, Amber throws down the cancer card. Melissa has no clue Amber had cancer, but Amber is floored because Melissa sent her a FB message about it, which she oddly tried to locate, but must have deleted it. I love it, missing evidence already! Amber retreats her firey eye lasers for the time being, and they both agree to move on. Melissa knows the formula, she runs to confide in her new buddies, Tre and Dina. So it’s going to be the battle of old vs. new.

To wind this up, the Goo-boo-chay clan is gathering to celebrate Juicy’s grandmother’s 80th birthday and to also have a family portrait taken. Tre and her girls are in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess bathroom, getting hair and makeup done. Milania is acting like a little diva, screaming at the hair and makeup team, which she has clearly learned from her mother. There are about 70 people in the house for the picture and Juicy gives a speech from the top of the stairs thanking everyone for their support during the rough times.

Juicy-Toast

G to the ia is breaking down again. She has a little moment with her dad and he tries to make jokes to lighten the mood. Tre, Juicy, and G to the ia have a chat with Juicy’s dad ,Frank, but we later find out he recently passed away in early 2014.

So the premiere was a bit serious, but planted some seeds of drama. Previews would have us believe there will be some house husband drama and the ladies fighting while dressed in village people/stripper costumes.