Oh where oh where is Caroline Manzo, voice of reason, when you need her? She advised us very early on during the RHNJ franchise “When you hang around garbage, you start to stink!” That won’t stop little Joe Gorga, the li’l entrepreneur with spray on hair in a can that could. He has invested a ton o’ cash into the garbage bidness, but wait…it’s not disposal of old meat trimmings and banana peels, the Gorgas are now in the “extremely important document smushing” bidness. It’s much more L.A. Chic and certainly conveeeeenient, now that his sister and brother and law are headed to the pokey for, among other things, falsifying federal documents. Joe is giddy over creating pulverized paper that is worth millions. At least he hopes, he calmly tells Melissa that they are going to have to sacrifice, stay in their 5,000 foot rental home of squalor, and possibly lose everything if the document smushing doesn’t prove to bring home da’ sausage.
Meanwhile, across town, Amber Alert and her wormy hubby, Jim, are at their formal dining table trying to teach their kids manners and discussing their next fambly commercial for his residential mortgage company. We get to see a clip of his prior commercial, which fits right in with the low budget, hokey commercials you see at 3 a.m. when you can’t sleep and you’re stuck watching re-runs of “Cheaters”. If you’re going to call Jim for a mortgage, might as well stay tuned for the Peter Francis Geraci commercial. Amber demonstrates her “look at those low rates hair flip” she did at the end of the commercial, which they claim made them “millions”. Jim is ready to put the kids to work as talent in the commercial, nothing says love like exploiting your fambly.
At the Goo-boo-chays, guess what? It’s another freakin’ photo shoot. This time it’s for Teresa’s Fabulicious dessert line. As usual, Milania is sassing and trying to break the photographer’s camera. After he fights her off, she lunges at him, hisses, and calls him a “butt hole”. Ahhh…a girl after Sean Penn’s heart.
Tre has invited the ladies over to taste her desserts and while en route to the dessert tasting of doom, Melissa and Amber are rekindling their frenemy-ship status by talkin’ trash about the Non-Dynamic Duo, Nicole and Ter-esss-uh. Amber labels them as party crashers, even though she invited them to the Fall Festivus. Nicole’s ex hubby, Bobby is Jim’s bestie, so Amber Alert is in the know and says there was some cheating going on there and calls Nicole a home wrecker. Amber Alert certainly doesn’t mean to be a gossip (yes you do bitch), but she trusts Melissa (tactical error #1).
At Tre’s home, we flash back to the birth of Gabriella and we are reminded that Dina is Gab’s god mother, which explains why she has remained so close with Tre. We see production ask Dina in confessional if she is closer to Tre than her own sister and Dina answers “I’m not goin’ there.” Tre feeds the ladies desserts while they are blindfolded so that they can’t tell the desserts were purchased from the Kathy Wakile hour on QVC. Melissa admits she is a big fan of “being blindfolded and having things stuffed in my mouth”. Ugh…WTMI. Amber Alert can’t let anyone else have her spotlight, so she takes the moment to apologize to Tre if she felt offended by anyone at her Fall Harvest party. Tre gives a diplomatic reply and she and Amber tear up because they can relate so much to each other. Amber Alert compares her cancer survival story to Tre’s situation. Hmmm…surviving breast cancer vs. being indicted on 489 federal charges? Yeah, same shit. Amber is waxing philosophical about fambly, cancer, blah, blah, blah. Tre gives her the triple eye blink, “You’re okay now?” Yes, ok…moving on. Dina is annoyed that Amber Alert keeps playing the cancer card and it reeks of trying too hard to fit in the group.
The Non-Dynamic Duo couldn’t attend Tre’s dessert party so they invite Tre and Juicy out for a couples dinner at one of Rino’s restaurants. Ter-ess-uh broaches the topic of what Tre and Juicy are “going through” and that they will be there to support them in any way, except financially of course. Bobby invites Juicy out for a “guys nite” and he accepts. They all cheer and have a nice evening, no drama here…
Amber Alert and Melissa meet for dinner, Melissa has selected her outfit from the “Rhythm Nation” collection. They discuss how much they enjoy being housewives, Amber Alert “gets the whole women’s lib thing”…(and shit), but nothing beats being a housewife in Jersey. Amber Alert alerts Melissa that she is also an actress and is well aware of Melissa’s singing incapability. Amber Alert really wants to know what makes Melissa tick, besides a couple of worn out AAA batteries. She asks Melissa, if she were faced with cancer, would she choose singing or her family. Duh…obvi! Amber Alert’s point is that she has learned so much from this “cancer thing” and when she didn’t hear from Melissa, she wrote her off as a cold hearted bitch. Melissa asks her to be clear about the expectation of their “friendship” and doesn’t want to continue to nit-pick and would rather move on. Amber Alert is in full agreement, but something tells me this won’t be all cheese-n-bacon for long.
Jim and Bobby get together, as long as Amber Alert is out with the cold hearted bitch, they get to have some fun. They feed the kids some McDonalds and non-organic ice cream. Clearly Jim is terrified of Amber alert, hell so am I. She is a full throttle, pedal to the metal, nito burnin’ bitch. But Jim is just a stupid douche, Amber Alert is going to see her kids on national television sucking up happy meals like it’s black tar heroin. Bobby and Jim send the kids away to play off their sugar buzz and the two “adults” discuss their upcoming “guys nite”. Jim tells Bobby he won’t go because the two Joes “brawl like every five minutes”, and lord knows Jim the wormy worm boy can’t defend himself in a slapping fight to save his life. Jim gets down to the real reason and feels that since the Goo-boo-chays are under indictment for mortgage fraud, it would be a conflict of interest (as a class D mortgage banker) to hang out with Juicy, or to join the cast on the same show? HYPOCRITE!
There is a small scene showing Lexi reading the rejection letter from NYU, but never fear, mom Dina has a small BVLGARI bag containing a red snake bracelet as a symbol of shedding her skin and changing. I wish everyone on this show would change…
Guys Nite is finally upon us and they gather at Lucky Strike bowling alley. Lo and behold, ROSIE tags along and Rino takes an immediate liking to her. The Joes inquire about Jim’s absence and Bobby uses the excuse of the two Joes being too violent. Gorga already thinks the guy is a “prick”, yeah us too. Bobby changes the subject by announcing his upcoming “first responder party”. I swear these idiots can throw a party based on any theme they pull out of their ass. The Goo-boo-chays should throw an “Icing on the Indictments Winter Wing Ding”.
Meanwhile at Dina’s, she has welcomed a medium named James. All I can hope here is that he is as nasty and deliciously repulsive as that medium from RHBH, Allison DuBois. Tre arrives in her fuzzy “read me like a trashy romance novel” fedora and James begins receiving vibes right away. He sees Tre moving soon and says Juicy is going through his own personal hell. He also asks if Juicy’s father had passed, which is a bit eerie because this would have been filmed shortly before he did pass. James sees that it will work out fine for Tre, but not so sure about Juicy. He sees doing time or paying some sort of restitution. Tre is stunned, but I don’t know why. She actually looks awful, as if he has been crying for days.
Melissa and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a store that is not Posche to do some shopping and gossiping. The twins tell Melissa that Jim doesn’t want to be around the Joes because they fight too much and because Juicy Goo-boo-chay is a future felon. Melissa goes from zero to pissed in a matter of two seconds and it’s turn up time! She immediately spills the beans to the twins that Amber Alert not only said they crashed her party but that Nicole kinda like “wrecked a fambly” like…
Annnnnnd the Non-Dynamic-Duo flip out in tandem, leave the store wearing clothes they haven’t paid for yet, and plan to drive to Amber Alert’s house to confront her. Thank goodness they had to stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and the gas station, because it gives this mess on wheels a bit of cool down time and they have a transitory moment of common sense. They sit in the driveway and decide it isn’t the right time to put Amber Alert on blast. Better idea to confront her at the first responder’s party when everyone is present in their slutty first responder costumes. At least there will be plenty of first responders to break up the fight.