Take A Woosah

We pick up where we left off at the Kandi Koated housewarming with Kenya twirling and whirling out the back exit because her “stalker”, Walter was at the party.  Turns out Phaedra invited Walter and Cynthia seems perturbed that Phaedra didn’t alert the authorities.  Kenya has a thing for having full on meltdowns in parking lots and poor Don Juan has been tasked with walking her out.  After he tells her to “take a woosah”, (JFGI – Just F*ckin’ Google It), she shuts up and gets in the car.  Poor Don Juan walks away as he mutters “she’s dramatic as a mutherf*cker”.  Can someone call 911 and put this bitch on a Britney Spears 5150 hold?!?!?

Camera two to Bar One, where Cynthia and Lawrence have a sit down with Koo-Koo Kenya.  Cynthia has grown a backbone and she lays it down for the twirling maniac.  Atlanta is small, Walter is not stalking her, he just lives there.  Kenya is going to have to be in rooms with people she doesn’t like, suck it up, and stop dealing with it by being “dramatic and unnecessary.”  While Cynthia talks over Kenya’s whining, Lawrence says “At the end of the day, you shoulda been like ‘I’m coming to get my Oscar for playing my role with that fool!’ cause that’s all it was.”  Oh snap…good thing Kenya didn’t quite hear him.  Although, I think Lawrence may have jammed a tranquilizer dart into Kenya’s booty because Kenya quickly calms down and accepts Cynthia’s friendly advice, for now.  Woosah!

In other housewives needing counseling, Porsha skips on over to Dr. Sherry, who we have also seen on “Braxton Family Values”.  Shit, if Dr. Sherry can counsel Tamar Braxton, handling Porsha should be a walk in the park.  Porsha discusses her miscarriage and she tears up because it was very difficult for her, but her mouth-breathing meat-head hubby didn’t seem to understand the loss she suffered.  Porsha has finally shown a real side of herself, rather than her breathtakingly stupid self, and maybe her life is not so “picture perfect”.

It’s time for the Bedroom Kandi Boutique launch party where she is meeting the consultants who will be forming a marketing pyramid and selling her products.  Kandi wins an AVN (Adult Video News) award (translation = porn award) and delivers an emotional speech because she is living her dream.  What dream?  A porn award next to your Grammy?  In all fairness, Kandi is really gettin’ it done and amassing her fortune so she can buy that flashy engagement ring.  Can I get a Woosah?!?!?

On another day, Kandi and Todd are starting their day and they discuss various items.  Mama Joyce will eventually move into the guest house…check.  Todd likes the ring Kandi picked out in Vegas…check.  Todd is down with Kandi using a surrogate so she can “keep it tight, keep it right” (translation = not gain weight)…high fives and check.  Annnnd Todd is cool with a prenup so Kandi can protect her dildo fortune, as long as he’s taken care of on the back end when this thing goes bust…double check, woosah, and pun intended.

Kenya arrives at a studio where she will be filming her work out video.  Meanwhile in L.A., Phaedra is prepping to film her DVD and we are treated to dueling scenes of Home Depot Booty versus Spongebob Squarepants.  Lawrence is styling Kenya’s hair and throwing some serious shade on Phaedra the Phatty.  He has turned into a Grade-A Sketchball.  Kenya wants us to know that she is “serious about her workouts, while Phaedra is serious about her meals”. 

Kenya-workout

We are back to Phaedra in her lime green unitard.  Phaedra chose it because it’s body hugging and she doesn’t want to look like a washed up hag.  Wow.  Just.  Wow.  No she chose it because she can’t afford a stylist and she has a delusional sense of her own image.  Kenya’s video seems more serious, while Phaedra is just goofing off, bouncing around to Romper Room music like it’s 1980 and she is totally winded after two minutes.  Kenya clearly scored the better edit.

Phaedra-Green

Nene and Gregg go out for a romantic dinner and he attempts to have a serious talk with her, you’re the wind beneath my wings, my purpose for living, blah blah blah.  Nene can’t be bothered, she has 28 text messages coming in that demand her attention.  Gregg is on a mission to tolerate her put the family back together and he asks the self-absorbed Nene to marry him again now that their fake divorce is final.  After she chokes on her martini, he tries to get down on one knee and officially propose, she says yes as if she had any other choice if she wants Bravo to pay for their fake wedding.

Nene-Gregg-Kiss

Next week, stun guns, Kordell faces the wrath Dr. Sherry, Kenya throwing someone out of her “coming out” party, and Peter and Kordell need to take a woosah in the parking lot.

Advertisements

Putting on Appearances

 

We open this week with the Porsha/Kordell Brain trust and Kordell finds the pregnancy test she received in Vegas as a joke.  Kordell wants her to take the test, but of course, she doesn’t know how to do it, she thinks she needs to pee on it for two minutes straight.  OY…Kordell tells her to wait in the bathroom for the full two minutes “don’t come bring that thing up in here wet”.  Uggh…she should bring it out and flick the wet part of the stick on his forehead.  The test comes up negative and Porsha seems genuinely disappointed, but even more disappointed in Kordell’s reaction because he has exactly zero f*cks to give.

Po<code>rsha-EPT

 

Kandi and Don Juan head over to look at her new office space.  Now that she’s running a full-blown empire, she needs a space for Bravo to film her spin off show to run her business.  Kandi feels a bit overwhelmed taking on her new office and her housewarming party as if she isn’t running poor Don Juan into the ground.

 

We travel north to find Miss Nene in NYC promoting “The New Normal”.  She arrives at “Live!  With Kelly and Michael” and she quickly attends to her ashy heels and changes into a flirty black dress.  Nene is ready to light up like a “light bub” when she takes the stage for the live show.  She gives a quick schpeel and then she jets off to the “Today” show.  Clearly, Nene is just popping in to collect her Bravo paycheck this week as we do not see her again this episode.

 

Nene-Today_Show

Cynthia is gearing up for some Men’s Health event that Peter is having because he is the epitome of all things healthy for men???  She is trying on dresses as she and Peter discuss the fact that Walter is invited to the event.  Cynthia feigns concern for Kenya and Peter finds it “juvenile” and suggests Kenya “keep it movin’.”  Cynthia tells Peter they all had fun in Vegas and that she rode a mechanical bull, but he can’t believe her “spastic ass” rode a bull.  Not only did her spastic ass ride a bull, but her naked crotch rode a bull.  Cynthia settles on wearing menswear for the event and then she scurries off to the free clinic to get a diagnosis on the itchy rash between her thighs.

Kordell is being fitted for a suit, and I have to say my eyes were fixated on the wall size photo of Porsha and Kordell.  What is with these ATL folks and garish self-portraits?  Anyhoo…Porsha decides to tell Kordell what the ladies said about their marriage and Kordell being controlling.  He insists he is “in control, but not controlling, big difference!”  Oh yeah Kordell?  You don’t have any confidence in your wife regarding handling a career and a baby.  You don’t want her to hire a nanny and you want Porsha at home being a full-time mom and housewife.  Nah, this is the way all husbands are, in 1950!  He tells Porsha she needs to let him go out and bust his “head wide open down to da’ white meat” and let Porsha fry it up in a pan.  Maybe non-controlling Kordell will do us all a favor and not “let” Porsha return to the show next season.  Gotta love that derp face…

Kordell

 

It’s the night of Peter’s black tie party and Kandi arrives in a rather unflattering, green, snakeskin, feathery frock that Johnny Weir wouldn’t wear to a dog show and Porsha is dressed like a slutty Pocahontas.  Kenya breezes in with her date, Jamal Anderson who is a former NFL star and apparently a prop.  Kenya insists she and Jamal are “just friends” even though Jamal wants more, of course.  Cynthia debriefs Kenya about the Walter situation and reinforces that Kenya will handle it with grace.  Kenya describes Walter as “some groupie just tryin’ to hang on”.  Porsha arrives in a pepto pink dress about two sizes two small.  I know they say rouching helps to disguise figure flaws, but Phaedra is overdoing it and the circulation to her upper body is being cut off.

They all take their seats and Kenya is concerned that Peter will stir up shit and may seat her by Walter.  She ends up at table “number one” and Walter is at “table oblivion, which where he belongs”.  Way to move on gracefully, Kenya.  Peter introduces Leon, Cynthia’s ex, and he says a few words.  Phaedra feels Kenya’s death stare from across the room.  I thought those two agreed to disagree last week, they will never, ever, ever get back together.  Kenya grabs Kandi’s attention to tell her about an event she is planning to honor iconic black women in film and it will be a costume ball.  Kenya announces that Cynthia will be dressing up as Diana Ross and she instructs Kandi to come as Tina Turner from “What’s Love Got to Do With It”, which actually would be Angela Basset.  Tina Turner did not star as herself…oh those pesky details.  Kenya throws in a complimentary dig by telling Porsha, even though Kenya wasn’t invited to Porsha’s recent soiree, she really wants Porsha to come as Halle Berry from “Baps”.  Of course, Porsha is offended because she doesn’t want to wear an orange prostitute outfit and she takes it as an insult, which I am sure it is.  Porsha wants to come as Halle playing Dorothy Dandridge, but Kenya pulls the “it’s my party” card.  Will she or won’t she?

Baps

Kenya leaves and then Walter makes his rounds.  The guys go off for a pow wow and Peter cuts to the chase and asks Walter what went on between him and Kenya.  Walter says “it’s just not for me”.  Walter doesn’t go for women over a certain age, “I like my women like I like my rims, 22’s, 24’s, 26’s.”  Okay, so we’ve established he’s a pig with big pork rind ears.  Kordell asks Walter how he feels about seeing Kenya with Jamal and now it’s Walter who has exactly zero f*cks to give.

Meanwhile, Phaedra has shuttled her wrinkly pepto dress-wearing ass over by Kenya to say hello.  Kenya asks Jamal to excuse them and they talk about their ups and downs, moving forward, baby steps…HOLY SHIT…who put blue cheese under Phaedra’s arms?!?!  It’s the twentieth century girlfriend, get some of that invisible no residue anti-perspirant.  So this is three weeks in a row that I have been disgusted by Phaedra Parks’ pits.  Kenya invites Phaedra to the costume ball and assigns her to be Ertha Kitt.  Seriously, now we have to see Phaedra in a cat suit?!?!?  My eyes can’t handle the truth.

Kenya, her dog Velvet, and Cynthia go to a costume shop to look at outfits for the pretend costume party.  Cynthia asks Kenya about Jamal, but Kenya assures her, they are just friends.  Way to dodge a bullet, Jamal.  Cynthia appreciates her attendance at the party, despite Walter’s presence, but she explains that Kenya is going to need to adjust because the ATL is small and Walter is going to be around.  Kenya doesn’t want to hear his name ever again, so of course, Cynthia gets out her matches and gasoline and tells Kenya what Walter said to the men.  Kenya floats the “gay card” ever so gently and it’s on.  The Walter is gay storyline has officially launched.  Kenya tells Cynthia she wants to be set up with a new man, but not with anyone on the “down low”, because she has had enough of that.

Kandi’s housewarming party is underway, but it’s only for the guest house.  She won’t be having these commoners in her main mansion.  Everyone filters in, including Walter who brings his own beard date, who he totally ignores.  Apollo starts gossiping with Peter about the “Walter is gay” rumor and how Walter is going to go ape shit on Kenya.  Peter is ready to sit back and watch the show.  These men make Slade (RHOC) look like a good guy.  Kenya walks in, cue the dramatic music…Kandi whisks Kenya downstairs to get her away from Walter and to tell her what’s up.  Kenya flips out and tells Kandi it’s not cool, Walter is a stalker, she doesn’t have security with her, and could someone please, please show her to the back exit so she can flee.  Next week, poor Don Juan is stuck escorting Kenya out of the party and more drama is a-brewin’.

Stripped to the White Meat

The Peaches are concluding the L.A. leg of their trip and they are heading to Vegas where absolutely nothing can go wrong.  Cynthia shares some lotion with Kenya so she can de-ash while they re-hash the dinner convo about Walter, but first a sidebar:  Cynthia’s hair looks like absolute shit for the first time in the history of ever.  Kenya was miffed that the gang talked about her personal Walter debacle at the dinner table, especially in front of two people she despises.  Cynthia keeps forgetting about all the beef because in the group setting, Phaedra is all lollipops and rainbows.  Brace for impact everyone, the bus ride to Vegas is paved with hell.

Cynthia-Hair

Nene used her superstardom to arrange for a party bus to transport the precious Peaches to Vegas.  The bus comes complete with a stripper pole, but make no mistake, Nene will not be riding the bus or the pole.  She has to work and then will be flying to Vegas, ahem…first class.

Kenya heads up the activity committee on the party bus of doom and she wants all the women to pick a housewife and do a 30 second impression of them.  Cynthia does her finest Kandi and Porsha demonstrates Nene with a head bob and a finger wave.  Phaedra imitates Kenya and does a gone with the wind twirl.  After three hours on the bus to hell, the ladies ponder the Vegas activities in which they will partake.  Kenya wants to ride a mechanical bull and Cynthia suggests going to the “Crazy Horse”, which she thinks is a strip club.  Duh…even I know that it’s a strip club, why you gotta front, Cynthia?  Porsha is immediately repulsed and will not be part of such debauchery.  Phaedra tries to class it up by describing the Crazy Horse as an “exotic extravaganza with lovely ladies of all textures and colors, it’s bountiful with nude beautity.”  Way to sugar coat it, it’s a raunchy ass strip club with textures and smells that will rock you to your core.  Sidebar:  Phaedra still needs to shave her armpits.  Maybe they have a waxing station in the Champagne Room at the Crazy Horse.

After riding on the death bus for six hours, they stop at a Mega Mart to fuel up and the driver is so sick of their asses, he gives them a little scare by leaving them at the Go to Hell Mart for a few minutes.  He finally returns and Kandi declares that next time she will be traveling “rich bitch” style, like Nene.  There’s going to be a next time?  Speaking of Lenethia Leakes, she has already arrived in Vegas and can’t believe the rotten Peaches are still on the stank bus.  Porsha is eating pickles and the ladies start in about her being knocked up.  Phaedra starts up some bat shit craziness about the ancient pregnancy test involving pee and rabbits, you’ve heard the old expression “the rabbit died” meaning if the pee of a pregnant woman was given to a rabbit it would die.  Kenya’s inner animal activist gets worked up about it, Phaedra basically tells her to shut her face, and the tension escalates.  God I miss Nene and Wigs-n-Cigs…

The gang finally arrives in Vegas and they have a minute to change and throw wigs on.  Cynthia is giving us Diana Ross realness with her gargantuan afro wig.  Porsha is under the impression that the Crazy Horse is going to be a burlesque show and Kandi is hoping for some good grub.  Well I hope they like steam trays full of cocktail weenies and tater tots, ‘cuz that’s what the strip club grub is.  Nene announces that she doesn’t like eating in strip clubs and Porsha’s feathers rise.  She is not okay with going to a strip club because King of the Jack Wagons, Kordell, would not approve, oh and women selling their bodies give Porsha a mean case of the sads.  Cue mega eye roll from Nene.  Kandi wisely suggests a “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” approach, but there is not enough body glitter on the planet to get Porsha into that club.  Porsha bids them adieu and Kenya teases that “Papa Kordell didn’t sign her permission slip.”  I have to give our resident ditz, Porsha, some credit here, it’s not totally abnormal for a woman to be uncomfortable with this.  Naked, sweaty, strange women are not everyone’s cup o’ entertainment tea.  I guess “Thunder From Down Under” was booked.

Once in the club, Phaedra starts making it rain for a stripper, practically gives her a pap smear and compliments her on her shaving habits.  Later, the gang has a heart-to-heart talk with one of the strippers about how difficult it is to sustain a relationship when working in this profession.  The convo provides a segue for Nene to share her former stripper tales and how she sprung it on Gregg by inviting him to the club where she worked, and then performing for him.  Nene wanted to maintain her independence and find a partner who would support her in what she did and she had no plan to quit stripping until Gregg married her.  In fact, Nene recited their wedding vows for us:  “Your marriage is supposed to complement and enhance who you are.  Like if you want to jump over the damn moon, your partner should support you jumping over the damn moon.  Now they don’t need to like it, but they just need to stand there and watch your ass jump over the damn moon, mmmmkay.”  WORD!

This leads to more trash talk about Porsha and her controlling, non-supportive, meat-puppet husband.  Cynthia listens intently while cautiously nibbling on a chicken nugget.  Nene feels that Porsha isn’t living her own dreams, but rather Kordell’s.  A little piece of Porsha will die each day and she will wake up in 20 years in her tattered, cotton-candy pink robe and wonder where her life went.  Nene declares the solution, it’s as clear as a Lucite heel.  An intervention is needed, which sounds like an excellent idea and will likely be drama free.

The next day, Porsha is having her makeup done and she calls Kordell to proudly tell him that she did not defy him and she stayed out of the strip club.  Cynthia pops in looking like she hasn’t slept and tells Porsha how much fun they had at the Crazy Horse.  The gang loads into the limo and Nene wastes no time confronting Porsha, who equally wastes no time playing the “I’m a good Christian card.”  Phaedra trumps Christian card and says that going to a strip club doesn’t make you a sinner any more than going to church makes you a Christian.  AMEN.  Nene basically attacks Porsha’s marriage and labels it “traditional bullshit.”  Porsha is forced to defend herself and says that she is lucky Kordell “let her” come on the trip.  BLOOP…the women go nutz.  Let’s not forget that Nene divorced Gregg just to prove a point, and she’ll do it again goddamnit!  She is a strong, independent woman and she only wants Porsha to stand up for herself.  They arrive at the Jubilee Theater, but this conversation has not been forgotten.  Phaedra and Porsha go to the restroom, which allows Kandi to ring lead more trash talk.  The ladies go backstage and meet with some of the show girls, they try on some hats and Kenya starts dancing around and her boobs pop out of her top, so Porsha gets a strip show weather she likes it or not.

Ladies-Vegas

Later, the ladies hit some of the upscale shops and Nene starts prodding Kandi to look at engagement rings.  Kandi finds something she likes and she sends Todd a picture of a modestly priced $7,500 ring.  The ladies make fun of her for being cheap, but this is precisely why Kandi is rich, she doesn’t live beyond her means.  She knows that this gravy train will derail in a Vegas minute.

During the snippet between commercials, Cynthia climbed on a mechanical bull and announced that she wasn’t wearing underwear.  The thought of nothing between her coochie crack and a germ infested mechanical bull in Vegas makes my brain scream.

Cynthia-Bull

In the final, anti-climactic scene, Kandi welcomes the ladies to her hotel room for a Bedroom Kandi pajama party.  Kandi passes around the Kegel balls and OMG, Nene sniffs them.  Ugh…why Nene, why?  Kandi gives Porsha a pregnancy test as a joke and they all want her to take it, but she will not share that moment with these hags.  They have a sexy strawberry eating contest and when Phaedra eats hers, Kenya gives her the “you disgust me death glare.”  Kenya takes her turn and Phaedra makes a comment “nasty noises capt’n crunch, somebody might like it, but it don’t look like Walter do.”  Holy f*ckballz, rude and uncalled for.  Kenya is going to go ballistic.  They play the next game, which is to answer a relationship question.  Kenya puts in a question about what to do when someone who you thought was your friend hurts you and then pretends it never happened, oh and said friend is a dead ringer for a one PHAEDRA PARKS.  Kenya owns up to submitting the question and calls Phaedra up to the podium to answer it.  Phaedra says she also felt hurt and it is a two-way street to bitter town.  Kenya tells Phaedra that she said negative things about her character, “you cut me to the white meat”, which must be reeeeeeeal deep because Kenya is solid chocolate bunny.  Cynthia suggests they both apologize and sign a friend contract in blood, but Nene bulldozes over it by saying they just need to knock the shit off because bitches will never be friends.  Next week, Kordell puts the hammer down on Porsha, reducing her to Barbie tears and Walter shows up at a party where Kenya may be looming.

Please Don’t Feed the Animals

Nene is prepping for the visit from the Atlanta Peaches, which is sure to be fraught with peril.  She runs over her list of details and comments that they will need to concoct a special drink for Kandi since she doesn’t drink alcohol.  Gregg suggests “sex on the beach” and she points out that it must be alcohol free, so he suggests “sex on the street”.  Nene ignores his joke, she must be immune to him.  Cynthia calls and Nene asks about the latest drama, “it’s still the Kenya and Phaedra thing”, Cynthia reports.  Nene warns that she has “a little splash o’ crazy and a whole lotta bitch in me” (now there’s a name for a cocktail), so her plan is to remain neutral.  This is the first warning, the Peaches must be on time, Nene’s big dinner party begins promptly at 9:00 p.m.

The ladies arrive in L.A. and they are cruising along in a Hummer stretch limo built for the Jolly Green Giant.  The driver comes to an abrupt halt because the vehicle won’t fit up the windy hills.  Cynthia calls Nene at 7:00 p.m. to let her know that Phaedra missed her flight and they can’t get up the street in their gargantuan ride.  While Nene shuttles down in her Escalade to retrieve the precious peaches, leave it to Kenya to start arguing with the driver about the turning radius of the oversized Hummer.  If they were in Atlanta, maybe they could call Walter for a tow????  Nene gets everyone safely to the vacation house she rented for the Peach squad, because she doesn’t want chunks of weave in her own drains.  The house is spectacular, however I am sure these bat shit crazy bitches will find something to take issue with.  Nene confirms the 9:00 p.m. dinner again, but the girls can barely muster up a crap.

GuestHouse

Three hours later at 10:00 p.m., Phaedra finally arrives announcing she has a headache and she is sleepy, but Kandi tells her to fluff, freshen, and get her glad rags on because they have to get to Nene’s, STAT!  They pile back into the Hummer and since it’s now 11:13 p.m., they are literally tardy for the party.  I am wondering how they got back into the Hummer, maybe it took them an hour to walk down the hill?  Or maybe it’s all production fueled drama.  Cynthia decides to finally call Nene, which is another thing that doesn’t make sense.  The crack rat will call Nene to discuss the color of her coochie crack lint, but in this case, she couldn’t have picked up the phone two hours ago to inform their gracious host that they are running late?  Nene’s splash o’ crazy has already kicked in before she answers the phone, she tells Cynthia they don’t need to come, “just keep it moving” and she hangs up on her.  Make no mistake, Nene may live in the Hollywood Hills, but she still knows how to “get hood!”

Kenya is convinced that once they get there, Nene will soften her disposition, but as the Hummer pulls up at 11:40 p.m., Nene and Gregg are already waiting outside to tell them to get bent.  Phaedra realizes the “Krunk Nene” is resurrected and tries to stand down.  Gregg points out that they spent a lot of money to put together a nice dinner and it’s disrespectful for them to arrive three hours late.  True dat.  Leave it to Kandi to ask for a to-go box.  Nene gives her the death glare, but Gregg concedes and goes inside to fix them a plate.  While they wait, Kenya and Kandi descend on the front of the house like insane trick or treaters, peeking in the windows and marveling at how wonderful everything looks on Kenya’s old dining room table, which she “loaned” to Nene.

Nene holds firm and insists the Peaches bounce back where they came from.  Kandi clearly has no f*cks to give and thinks Nene should have accommodated them.  Kenya defends Nene’s position seeing all the time and money she put into the dinner party.  Still, no f*cks given by Kandi, but I guess that’s what you do when you wipe your ass with $100 dollar bills.  Kandi admits to the camera that she gets pissy when she is hungry, but if that’s the case, throw a dayum Slim Jim in your purse!  Cynthia and Kandi are overcome with bitchiness and hunger and make an executive decision to challenge the Hummer’s turning radius and they re-route to Fatburger.

The next morning, the new and improved “Zen Kenya” is up early having her abs sprayed on and then she makes a full breakfast in order to get the Peach Pits out of bed and keep them on schedule.  She is not psychotically stabbing at film covers on Lean Cuisine trays, she is legit cookin’ it up.  Pancakes, bacon, grits, the whole breakfast enchilada.  Porsha offers to help and Kenya directs her to make coffee, but Porsha can’t figure out the Keurig machine.  The rest of the gang tumbles down the stairs, they have one hour to get out the door.  Phaedra wants to stay on CPT, but Nene has set up an improv class at The Groundlings, which Kenya tries to take credit for by saying she so wanted the gang to have the experience.

Meanwhile, Nene sits poolside practicing her scene for The New Normal.  Gregg tells her not to be angry at the girls for being late and encourages her to move on.  She will workshop that idea.

The gang arrives at The Groundlings class and the instructor asks them about their acting background.  Kenya goes first and rattles off her bit parts, most notable would be “Waiting to Exhale” where she played “Inmate #12”.  Cynthia follows up with her “small spots” on The Cosby Show, which causes the instructor to salivate and Kenya’s thunder is stolen.  The instructor notes one party is missing, and of course, Nene is purposefully late.  The instructor asks Kenya to perform a physical movement and to make a noise, then the rest of the girls have to replicate it.  She makes a pterodactyl noise and does a booty shake.  The only thing I gathered from this exercise is that Miss Phaedra needs to shave her dayum armpits.  She has some serious 12:00 shadow going on.  The next exercise is to yell compliments at each other.  Kenya yells at Phaedra that her “bunions are so beautiful”, which pisses Phaedra off and she whips out the “Home Depot booty purchased in the silicone department” comment.  Nene finally arrives and Kandi thinks she should be locked out, given a plate of cheese, and sent on her way.

The ladies go over to Paramount studios so Nene can drive them around on a stretch golf cart and give them a tour.  Nene is giving us “whale tail” realness with her neon pink thong poking out the top of her shorts.  Nene manages to crash the cart and practically get Kenya decapitated by a security swing arm.  But never fear, Kenya’s ego and rhinestone crown are still intact.  The ladies peer inside of Nene’s trailer, they ooh and ahh, then they walk around taking cheezy photos.  They ask a stranger to take their picture and Kenya all but asks him for a sperm donation.

NeneTrailer

Next stop is Hollywood hotspot, Crustacean.  Kenya and Phaedra are seated together, but Phaedra isn’t worried, she has her “Phaedra Sparks” stun gun.  The ladies note that Porsha isn’t drinking any adult beverages and speculate that she may be expecting, but in an epic editing fail, Porsha is later seen sipping a martini.  Kandi talks about how Kim stole her baby name “Kash”, but stealing seems to be the theme with this group, which is a perfect segue for Porsha to ask Phaedra about the Donkey Booty Video.  Cynthia turns the convo to Kenya and we find out that “Kenya Moore’s Booty Boot Camp” will be out in December.  Kandi asks Phaedra what hers will be called, but she will not reveal.  Although we already know about “Phine Booty”.  Phaedra’s airbrushing team is relentless.

Phine_Body_2

Kenya and Nene exchange snarky looks.  Nene talks about how she loves an independent woman and Keyna says that men use money to control women.  Another perfect segue for all inappropriate conversation topics, Kandi to ask Porsha if “No offense, but do you feel that way sometimes?” (read:  do you feel controlled by your overbearing, bucked tooth, meat-head, misogynist hubby?)  Porsha rebuts that her dream was to be a housewife, so nice try serving that shit cocktail.  Kenya announces that she and Walter broke up, which seems like ages ago.  Cynthia asks what the protocol should be about future contact with Walter and she knows Peter may invite Walter to an upcoming event.  Nene says she liked Walter and Kandi is back at her shit stirring, “he came to Porsha’s party the other day…”, which Kenya was not invited to.  Porsha takes the opportunity to rub salt in the wound by saying Walter had such a great time and Kenya is ready to go HAM on her.  Zen Kenya as we knew her for 20 minutes ceases to exist.  HAM Kenya storms out with Nene hot on her heels navigating the stairway of death in Louboutin’s.

HAM_Kenya

While Kenya explains to Nene why she is pissed, Phaedra talks about Walter to the others, saying that he is quite the ladies man around town, which I find hard to believe.  The guy was about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  Downstairs, Kenya tells Nene she is ready to punch Phaedra in the face, annnnnnd scene!  Next week, Vegas Baby, where the stakes are high and Cynthia’s afro is higher!