Tongue Lashing

It’s the last day of Glamping and Kandi has arranged for she and Hazel to ghost the scene via Uber, she is all the way over it and won’t be setting foot on the party bus from hell.  The rest of the assholes pile on the flaming party bus of horror, everyone appears hung over as hell from a combination of Hennessey, emotions, and burnt marshmallows.  Except SBS, who is as alert as a kitty cat and appears to have snuck in an extra bicep workout in the a.m.  Kenya starts the shit, asking Porsha how she feels after getting her head blown off the night before.  Porsha has owned up to throwing shade, even though it took her awhile to admit, but she laughs it off as if it was all in good fun, a prank if you will.  Sorry Porsha, a prank is putting Vaseline on someone’s phone earpiece, or taping down the handle to the spray attachment on the kitchen sink.  To make matters worse, Counselor Parks still claims ignorance, stating “I was not part of those conversations”.  SBS doles out a heavy dose of stink eye, this is far from over.

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Cynthia arrives home to the lake house and for some reason decides to inform her daughter, Noelle and her assistant, Vikhe about the lesbian gossip and that Cynthia may also be a lesbian according to her cohort’s definitions.  Cynthia admits to experimenting, which she defines as “kissed a girl, or if a girl has kissed you in places.”  The word “places” causes Noelle, (as well as myself), to shudder and Noelle is about to die of embarrassment and seeks solace in Vikhe’s bosom.  I hope that doesn’t make Noelle a lesbian!  OY VEY, these ladies are so stupid, inappropriate, and politically incorrect!

To further confirm that they are “strictly dickly”, Kenya invites Cynthia and Malorie to the medical spa to treat Cynthia to a vaginal rejuvenation.  Kenya runs down the benefits, not that she would know or need such a procedure.  Cynthia really needs a laser carrying the heat of 1,000 suns jammed up her hoo-ha, she will be tight and right and will acquire the ability to pop an orgasm while taking a small speed bump in her Land Rover.  Cynthia asks the good doctor about the side effects, which are “extra juices for a few days”.  Throw on a panty-liner and hang on to your wigs and keys – life as you know it is about to change!  They throw a fuzzy blanket from the Target Home collection over Cynthia’s knees and get to work.  Cynthia has visions of flowers and butterflies until the red-hot laser makes contact with her vaginal walls.  The smell of her burning innards permeates the room and they all want to vomit.

After Cynthia is on the mend from her vagina resurfacing, she sits down with her partner at the Bailey Agency Skewl of Fashion for Wayward Models to plan a fashion show debacle for her new Cargo line.  She is going out on a limb and inviting SBS to stop by and discuss the possible involvement of Kairo.  Before SBS arrives, Cynthia has just enough time to explain to her partner that SBS has some lofty expectations that must be crushed like a paper cup!

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SBS transforms into “Momager” mode with a dash of psycho as soon as her ass hits the vinyl seat.  She wants compensation and free product.  Cynthia informs her there is no paycheck and he will receive one backpack and the priceless exposure.  SBS pushes for two backpaks, but Cynthia ain’t budging.  Cargo is a small company and those Mexican sweatshop workers can only sew so fast.  SBS lays down further demands, Kairo can only work on weekends because he’s in school.  Cynthia has to restrain herself from laughing, imagining how far she would have gotten if she had gotten Calvin Klein or Ralph Lauren on the horn and told him she could only work at 2 p.m. on Tuesdays and Thursdays after her Chem Lab.  She urges Momager to allow Kairo to make the decision, but SBS emits a hearty chortle and says he will do what she tells him.

Across town, Kandi gathers her staff at the Kandi Factory and they sit in the obnoxiously oversized pleather chairs to hear the latest gossip Porsha is serving.  Kandi admits that on one drunken evening, Porsha kissed her and offered to perform an oral transaction to Kandi’s full 100% satisfaction.  Don Juan hurtles into outer space at hearing this news.  Clearly Porsha has graduated from wearing her water wings when it comes to the Lady Pond.  Kandi had kept the encounter between them on the DL for years, besides it was a fun night and they went to the Waffle House afterwards.  What could be better?!?!  Well, Porsha done f*cked up, now, the cat is outta the bag and Kandi won’t be holding back.

Later, there is a short bit where Kandi takes Riley to the studio to record a new song.  She wants Riley to pour her anger toward Block into a song and turn that pain into some serious coin.  Riley looks like she would rather have a back alley Brazilian wax than be at this studio.  Of course, Block never came through after his latest promises to visit with Riley, SHOCKING.  This song will not be a hit.  I repeat.  THIS IS NOT A HIT.  Sorry Riley, you can’t sing like your mama, stick to what you do best, sulking around like a moody pre-teen.  You’ll have plenty of time to mismanage your anger due to daddy issues when you reach your 40’s.

Counselor Parks arrives at her lawyer’s office and they show her getting out of her Mercedes and walking up to the office in slo-mo, ‘cuz everybody knows, Phaedra is a straight up G!  The lawyer informs her that the judge signed the order and the divorce is final!  Phaedra runs down her checklist of psychological damage control measures, which she must deploy tout de suit!  The lawyer then informs her that the court only served Apollo, they do not notify him of the outcome, so our good Counselor is tasked with delivering that fun li’l nugget of information.  Bring a power drill and a bucket o’ hinges for him and hopefully he will remain clam.  As Phaedra slips off her wedding ring and beats feet to “CASH 4 GOLD”, we are treated to a flashback of all the disgustingness that was Apollo.  Complete with the pickle photo shoot, sucking face like rabid otters in public, Apollo blatantly flirting with Kenya, and we cannot leave out the garage freak out of terror.  Have fun dropping dat bomb, Counselor Parks!  I sure hope commissary stocks popcorn in the vending machine on visiting day!

Later Phaedra drops by Porsha’s new multi-million-dollar home and she comes bearing Hennessey to see if Porsha will take a few shots and then offer up an oral transaction that would blow the Counselor’s mind.  They tour the house and oddly enough end up sitting on the bed discussing Phaedra’s divorce.  Phaedra delivered the news to Apollo and he wasn’t happy, but Phaedra doesn’t know what his fuss is about, seeing as how he has a prison pen-pal turned girlfriend, turned fiancé.  Yea, what could go wrong there?

Later, Porsha meets up with her pseudo-boyfriend, Todd, to determine if he is ready for a mature, adult relationship and some snuggie-wuggies and kissy-wissies.  Todd has brought her a diamond necklace, indicating he is fully aware that he is in the dawg house.  Porsha accepts the gift and then rips him a new asshole.  This is HER VISION, DAMN IT, and he had better follow the script to the letter or they are dunzo!  Todd hangs his head in shame and agrees to fill out an application at Domino’s so he can earn some walkin’ around money.

The final act is the Kandi vs. Porsha showdown, where Porsha’s plan of attack is to act like she threw Kandi under the lesbian bus because she was mad and didn’t think it would be repeated.  Jezzuz Porsha, have you seen this show?  In true Kandi fashion, she proceeds to call Porsha out, stating she is playing dumb and she is the one keeping her life activities as secret.  Kandi has always had her freak flag fully on display, if she was hookin’ up with women and had a sex dungeon she would make it know, because that would be FLY!

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Kandi admits to having some romps with women and one time Todd was involved, but it was only once.  There is no sex dungeon, just li’l Todd doing his best between taking care of Baby Ace and trying to get the OLG project off the ground.  Kandi then confronts Porsha about her proposition, “you tongued me down, bitch!”  Porsha brings up some woman she claims Kandi has had relations with for seven years and asserts that Kandi slept with several R&B groups to get to the top.  Kandi reveals that Porsha met Block because she was ho-in’ around with another rapper who knew Block and Porsha was a “pass around”.  The insults are flying around like ping pong balls, “I’m not into teacups, short and stout”, “Todd uses an Alias, Marvin, so he can cheat!”, “flip floppin’ women in yo’ bed like pancakes, You an International STANK HO!”

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Porsha claims that she has the phone number of the woman claiming she had a seven-year relationship with Kandi and says she will text it to Kandi so she can deal with it.  Kandi can’t take anymore, so she walks out while Porsha mutters “toodles, bitch!”

Next time, preparations and a lot of waxing for the Bravo mandated trip to Maui.  Kandi and Porsha continue to fight, and what is Papa Smurf doing on this trip?  Does he want to try out Cynthia’s vaginal rejuvenation?

Pitchin’ and Bitchin’

The ladies are still on the party bus of doom, careening off the rails, straight to the campground of sweltering obliteration.  When they arrive, Phaedra announces she only planned for six rooms, so a few attendees with their un-invited plus ones will need to bunk up.  Marlo swiftly guarantees her single room status by announcing that she has horrific gastro-intestinitis, sphylkis of the ganectagazoink, which leaves everyone immediately revolted.

Luckily, Phaedra has planned the first night to be spent in the wild sleeping in tents, so Marlo’s gaseous emissions will be able to become one with the wind.  Before they head out to pitch tents for two hours, Marlo and SBS take a quick moment to caucus and decide that at some point SBS will bring up the latest gossip about Kandi dippin’ in the lady pond.  SBS is doing a public service, really… how can these “frienemies” bond when they can’t be honest with each other.  SBS, you are a Bravo producer’s dream.

The ladies re-board the party bus to hellfire and attempt to set up camp.  Everyone struggles with their tents, except Phaedra who decides to just camp out in her party print maxi-dress.  In the first low blow of the night, Kenya asks SBS for help with her air mattress since SBS has extensive expertise.  Let’s not leave out Phaedra, who used to kick it with Apollo on his air matters for their 2:00 a.m. booty courtship calls.

When they finally settle by the campfire, the focus is on Marlo – she has actually taken the time to bedazzle her can of “OFF” and her flashlight.  Phaedra asks Marlo what is on-trend besides bedazzled insect repellent cans and camel toe.  Marlo recommends lashes and suggests Kenya get better ones.  Lauren asks about this underlying rift between Marlo and Kenya and they hash it out over the non-invites to Kenya’s recent parties.  Giiirrrllll…you didn’t miss much!  Kenya has already apologized and isn’t going back down that bedazzled road.  Marlo takes another swing, calls Kenya miserable, her earrings and eyelashes a disaster, you can’t keep a broke man, and your own mother won’t even talk to you.  LOW.  EFFING.  BLOW.  EVEN.  FOR.  YOU.  MARLO.  YOU.  STANK.  ASS.  HO!  Although the other insults were on point.  Phaedra puts the kibosh on the trash talk and delivers an inspirational pep talk about how they should come together as sistas and not call each other prostitutes and ho’s.  Good call, Counselor!  Meanwhile, SBS is huddled up in her sleeping bag, bustin’ at the seams with her lesbian rumor agenda, just waiting for the prime moment to pounce.  She is a mess on wheels.

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The next day, they all sport their on-trend camel toe outfits to lunch and Kenya asks Phaedra how goes the divorce process.  Kandi points out that if one spouse goes to jail, she heard that the state would grant a divorce within 60 days….or some shit like dat.  Porsha comes to the defense of her bestie, stating that Apollo is the one holding up the show because he doesn’t want the divorce.  Let’s leave the legal stuff to Counselor Parks, shall we?  Anyhoo, Cynthia diffuses the tension by updating the crew on her divorce, which will be final very soon, but Papa Smurf wasn’t at the final signing.  Cynthia becomes emotional, she wanted that one last good bye with Papa, but I guess it hasn’t occurred to her that seeing her may be too painful for him considering she rebuffed his invitation to head back to his air mattress, while they said goodbye at Club One.  That was your big moment to get you some break-up sex, Cynthia!  Have these ho’s you are surrounded by taught you NOTHING?!?!?  The ladies rally around Cynthia, reaffirm that she is beautiful, smart, and successful, and will find a man to rise up to meet her standards.  Now there’s some real support!

They head out to meet a camp ground crew dude, who looks like he just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  He orders them into the kayaks and paddle boats, and gives them a good shove into the polluted cesspool they call a lake.  SBS freaks out as if someone set her weave and her favorite Fabletics leggings on fire, I haven’t heard SBS shriek like that since “who gon’ check me, boo?”

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She cannot have non-chlorinated water near her vagina, and who knows what else lurks in those waters.  After the boating bust, the ladies are ordered to free fall into a fiery abyss from 100 feet up.  Most of the ladies participate and do so with grace and coolness, but leave it to Porsha to have a full-blown, hyperventilation, crying, laughing, freak out.  I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you break a toe nail?

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The last 15 minutes of the show concludes with the death dinner of truth.  Kenya apologizes to Marlo once again, Marlo apologizes for the mother comment and they both accept, with a grain of salt.  The gang is barely past their opening cocktail and Marlo asks Kandi if she is a lesbian.  SBS and Porsha must have been attending discount acting classes in between Anger Management and working out, they both act totally shocked by this rumor.

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Kandi demands to know who said it and SBS won’t name names and gives everyone an opportunity to own up to it.  Phaedra is sucking back her wine as if it were black tar heroin.  SBS finally calls out Porsha, and then Porsha admits to insinuating Kandi was a lesbian, but chalks it up to a shady moment.  Production flashes back “Two Minutes Earlier”, to Porsha doing an impression of an unwise owl “WHO?  WHO? WHA? WHO SAID THAT?”  Comedy.  Gold.  Porsha tries to slide Phaedra into the mix with her Shamea comment, accompanied by international hand gesture for sexual intercourse, but it becomes a little glossed over with all the additional pandemonium and screeching.  Kandi clarifies that she is happy with her husband, she admits she has experimented, but she isn’t the only one who has dipped in the lady pond (Porsha this means you!)  It turns into a word-war between Kandi and Porsha about who did what, who knows what, who has been where, who tossed a salad, who performed a reach around, who fully immersed in the lady pond, and who’s full of shit.  In the end, Kandi thanks SBS for letting her know what was said behind her back, but this is not over.

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The groups retire to their respective rooms to hash through their own versions of what just went down.  Kandi gets line of the night, “when she [Porsha] gets drunk, she becomes an aggressive lesbian.”

We have a teaser for “this season” on RHATL, which shows some upcoming drama – a trip to Maui, SBS finally moving into Chateau by Sheree, Cynthia and Peter playing kissy face, Phaedra pulling some shadiness with her divorce, Porsha is pregnant, SBS and Bob falling back in love and then apart, Apollo is engaged, Kim “wigs’-n-cigs” Zolciak returns, and Kandi Vaseline’s her face up, ready to fight Porsha.