And Two Become One

We begin with a retrospective of our American Idols when they were little.  It was a wee bit freaky to see an 8 year old Scotty saying “please welcome our next American Idol!”  Hard to believe the show has been on that long!

Judges emerge, what in the ice-dancing hell is JHO wearing?  Our diminutive Peaches descends the Hasbro’s slippery steps for the last time this season.  Scotty and Lauren, the youngest final two matchup in AI history, come out to get the festivities underway.  Lauren clears up a rumor about trouble with her voice, Peaches summons the doctor out to explain the issue.  Apparently she blew out one of her vocal cords.  They drugged her up and she is ready to run with the big DAWGS.

Scotty won the coin toss and allowed Lauren to choose the order of performance.  What a sweet boy.  He is up first with “Gone.”  He does a good job and as Peaches announces his call-in numbers, Scotty looks like he is drugged up.  Maybe it’s just the adrenaline rush.

Lauren is up next with “Flat on the Floor.”  It looks like she has a Littl Lauren stumble on the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Well, it is a slippery slope!  Anyway, she does okay, but I was not wild about this song the first time she performed it.  JHO got da’ stank face on, so she’s diggin’ it.  JHO is rockin’ out and then she stops abruptly, as if she knew she was on camera.  Lauren gets a standing O from JHO and DAWG.  You would think Steven could muster up some energy for his favorite contestant!

Next is Celeb picks and George Strait has selected “Check Yes or No” for Scotty.  This must be a song about a note he wrote in 3rd grade.  Ha-ha, the first line of the song says “3rd grade.”  How funny, I have never heard this song before.  It’s cute, he seems to enjoy it, but then for some reason he appears nervous or uneasy.

Sidebar:  Oy vey, a commercial about Oprah’s last show.  Okay, okay people, we know, she’s a national treasure, but didn’t she announce the end of her show last year???  Why is she still on TV?  Maybe I am just grumpy, but I am O-Ver the O!

Carrie Underwood picks “Maybe it Was Memphis” for Lauren.  What in the hot holy, ice-dancing, toddlers-n-tiaras, HELL, is Lauren wearing?  I do not like it and I am pissed off…about it!  This is just sick and wrong, she looks like she is wearing a tutu.  What the hell is wardrobe smoking?  I can only imagine that convo… “Lookie here Cletis, I done found this goldenrod metallic Christmas tree skirt at Big Lots right next to the dollar bin where I found these pewter cowgirl boots.  Lets’ put these puppies on Littl Lauren!”  Brilliant, just brilliant, they must have stopped at the head shop on the way home from Big Lots and gotten a hold of a tub o’ those fancy “bath salts”.  Despite the wardrobe malfunction, she does well with the song.  We are treated to the third camera shot of her mom, Brit-Brit.

Peaches defers to the judges and DAWG gives his feedback.  The collar on his jacket is ridiculous.  He looks like he is about to take flight.  DAWG gives Scotty round one, but round two goes to Lauren.  JHO concurs with the DAWG.  Steven gives both rounds to Lauren because she is “prettier.”  Steven’s jacket looks like reptile vomit.

Oh lord, Peaches is stalling and he asks the audience how they feel about the last Oprah.  We cannot escape her ubiquitous spell.  We get to hear this song, something about being positive.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, save the tap dance suck knob, just get on with the show!

Jimmy I. introduces the song written for Scotty.  The song is called “I Love you This Big.”  That must be a song about how a toddler expresses his love.  Maybe Scotty belongs on toddlers-n-tiaras.  It’s an okay song, but I am not crazy about it.  I think it’s nice that they finally wrote unique songs for both of the finalists instead of making them sing the same song.  DAWG says he is “in it to win it.”  Really DAWG, really?  This all you got???  JHO talks about Scotty’s “storytelling.”  Steven looks on as if she is giving a monumental speech.  Peaches comments on how Scotty is so “chill.”  I think that is what I am noticing, he doesn’t seem as animated as he has been lately.

Jimmy introduces “Like my Mother Does” for Lauren.  Ohhhhhhhh boy, this must be a song about a helmet hair do.  Seriously, Brit-Brit is going to be crying off the 12 pounds of mascara she has on.  Peaches gingerly assists her down the stairs so Littl Lauren can give Brit-Brit a serenade.  Brit-Brit is all smiles, no tears, what is she a robot???  Oh my gosh, this is so ironic.  All season I have been making fun of Brit-Brit, and now here is this incredibly moving moment for all.  Finally, Brit-Brit emotes.  DAWG loves it and calls it the “exact summation of her journey” and she gets a standing O.  JHO says she “may have just won.”  Steven says she is “it” in his eyes.  He really did call it from day one when she auditioned and I had a feeling about her too.  I hope Littl Lauren can pull it off!  Peaches says “the makeup is runnin’, but that’s okay!”

DAWG gives round 3 to Lauren, JHO evades the question and Steven gives it to Lauren “hands down.”  Past winner David Cook sings us out with “Don’t You Forget About Me.”  We are treated to a video montage of some of the memorable moments and characters.  Off to vote…catch everyone on the flip side for the grand finale!

Peaches makes his way out to the stage one last time this season, still wearing the same tux he rented the night before.  Peaches asks who is there for Scotty and then Lauren.  They show Scotty’s family and then Lauren’s family, just sitting silent, not clapping or howling, nuttin’.  I find this bizarre, did the Fox Mafia forbid them from cheering?  DAWG is dressed so totally ridiculously, I can’t stand it.  Lauren and Scotty are clad in white.  The Fox Wardrobe Department must have gone shopping at Black House / White Market.  The top thirteen sing “Born This Way” by Lady Caca.  Girls strike a pose, Jacob is grabbing his schmegegle with reckless abandon.  The girls look like robots performing their choreography.  The one girl, whatz her nut, looks different, I can’t think of her name.  Dallas or something?

James performs with Judas Priest and they seem to have a good time.  It’s a far cry (pun intended) from James’ group performance in his tighty-whitey costume.  They get a standing O from the judges and DAWG is throwing gang signs.

We are treated to a DAWG montage where he repeats his over used catch phrases.  It was a whole “Minute to win it” of DAWG saying “In it to win it.”

Lusky Stank is up next with some duet of sorts.  The piano player keeps spouting off shit and then he is joined by Gladys Knight.  Maybe the spouting guy is a pip.  Oh now I get it, all the stars that are singing tonight have tours to promote.  You can check out Gladys Knight at the trashy Tropicana Hotel.

Creepy Casey Beardy Weirdy is up next.  He is singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and whadda ya’ know, Jack Black is lounging behind the prop couch.  Jack is doing a jungle gyration behind him, I think we know who is going to steal this performance.  What in the jazzercising neon camel toe?  These girls come out on bikes and do a little spandex dance.  Go see Jack in “Kung Fu Panda 2.”

The girls come out and perform a Beyoncé medley.  I think Austen thinks she is Beyoncé.  Oh man, they totally just slaughtered “If I Were a Boy.”  This is getting outright painful to watch.  Here we go, Mrs. Jay Z makes her way down the Hasbro’s slippery steps to shake her Popeye’s chicken ass.  Okay, I had to look up that contestants name that I keep calling Dallas and now Austen, I was close…it’s Ashton.  Sorry peeps, it’s been a long day!

Peaches rolls the clip extravaganza of our resident “Loose Cannon” Steven.  Cute, but I am sure the stuff they couldn’t show was funnier.  Haley is up next with Tony Bennett.  She does well, but her dress looks like one of those Rorschach ink blot tests.  Another standing O from the judges.

JHO is getting her moment in the sun now.  All of the contestants are crushing on her and making her feel old.  DAWG keeps trying to HAWG her compliments.  JHO’s wardrobe is not always up to par, but her hair and makeup team are faboo.  Loving her hair tonight.

Now we are treated to a perf from Li’l John, fresh off his stint on the Celebrity Apprentice.  Then TLC performs “No Scrubs”, which was actually written by Real Housewives of Atlanta star, Kandi Burrus.  The ONLY NORMAL “real” person on the whole Bravo “housewives” franchise.  Actually, TLC was one of those bands that sold millions of records and ended up totally flat, bitch-busted, broke because they didn’t read their contract.  Note to self AI winner…whoever you may be!  Make sure you get more than 1/16th of a cent on each album sold.

Scotty is up next with Tim McGraw.  They did a very nice performance and again a Standing O from judges.  I think the standing O’s are gratis tonight.

We are back and JHO is missing from the judges table.  I sure hope she is not coming out in her hammer pants again.  We are treated to a montage of some of the worst auditions.  You gotta love the pissed off people.  I like the mom that yells at the camera guy “get out of my way before I kick you in the dick” and then she tells her crying daughter to “shut up.”  The compassion is overwhelming.

Marc Anthony comes out next to strut his stuff, but that still doesn’t answer our question of JHO’s whereabouts.  Sheila E is hammering away on the drums, but where-o-where has our JHO gone?  DAWG is rockin’ out, keeping her seat warm, but where-o-where has JHO’s caboose gone?  Marc Anthony has really bad facial hair, he has a moustache that looks like it belongs on a smarmy used car salesman with a sweaty upper lip.  Annnndd….mystery solved, there is our JHO.  She dances out in her carwash outfit, she creeps up to her hubby like a savage beast.  She shakes her ham-hocks like nobody’s bidness.  No wonder JHO had the big lion mane hair tonight.  She is burnin’ da’ shit down.  Crowd goes wild, she gives Marc a kiss and Peaches says “now we know what they do at home!”

James and Casey fight over who had the most shocking elimination and Pia shows up in a “Miss Shocking” sash and tiara.  HAR-DE-HAR-HAR!  The guys are up next with a Prince/Tom Jones extravaganza.  It’s clear that James and Casey have a very “special” relationship.  Whoever choreographs these group numbers should be hog-tied.  Tom Jones comes down the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps, Barbie-N-Me Version.  He sings his song, the boys shift, snap, and sway.  The best snapper is Stefano and I still contend he should be in a boy band.  DAWG is rockin’ out and Steven just sits there with that face on that makes him look like a tranny catfish.

We have a flashback to the final two and their journey, which is really just another shameless Ford plug.  They get to invite their favorite teachers to the finale.  Peaches comments on how “hot” the teachers are.  The final two present the teachers with new Ford Focus cars.  Scotty’s teacher looks like Jenna Elfman.  Lauren’s teacher has helmet hair, must be a southern thing.  Scotty and Lauren get their pick of any Ford car they want, hell new cars for everyone!  Now Peaches makes a curious comment, he congratulates the teachers on the new cars and then he says they “did their hair for American Idol tonight.”  Now I am not sure how to take this because one teacher with the helmet hair, has clearly spent a lot of time and a bucket o’ Aqua Net on her coif.  The Jenna Elfman teacher kinda looks like she just came from the grocery store where Scotty used to ring up the granny smith apples.  If I didn’t know any better, I would say Peaches was taking a chach-tastic jab, unbeknownst to the teachers.

Next, we see Lady Hep-C perform.  Excuse me while I go pour acid in my eyeballs.  She is clearly lip synching and she’s writhing around on some fake boulders with a male model.  Then they jump off, maybe they will be trapped down there for 127 hours.

Lauren is up next singing with Carrie Underwood.  Carrie looks like she dipped her legs in a vat of spray tan, shade “Oompa Loompa Nights.”  The audience goes wild, Brit-Brit is on her feet clapping, but the helmet hair ain’t movin’.

Beyoncé is singing again and I’m over it, I just wanna know who wins!  OH holy Spiderman song, now I am just going to have to fast forward.  Now Steven is missing from the judges table, so now he is going to sing?  Of course, we are treated to his infamous song “Dream On.”  Best part of the show, if lovin’ Steven is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!  JHO and DAWG are loving it too.  Now if the producers at Idol really wanted to be cool, they would have had James do a duet with Steven!

We are ready for the announcement, Scotty and Lauren both look like they are about to blow chunks.  Once again, the wardrobe department has Littl Lauren dressed like some sorta geegaw in another tree skirt from Big Lots.  Wow, just wow, Scotty wins.  I am happy for Scotty, but I am a bit surprised, I really thought Littl Lauren had it.  Scotty sings us out, but he is having a hard time as he adorns his family with hugs.  Well our top two li’l youngins are off to a life of superstardom.  Scotty is down on the ground, looks like he might go into the ugly cry, but then he sticks out his tongue to catch confetti, just like the Peanuts gang catching the snowflakes on their tongues.

Well, that’s a wrap…film at 11.  Off to find another show to blog about until Idol returns in January.  Thanks for reading!

And Then There Were Three

Our final three went to their hometowns for a visit and I must ask, what is up with the decals being put on the cars to transport the contestants?  You mean to tell me that the multi-billion dollar AI machine cannot afford their own fleet of exclusive AI limos?  We have to put stick-on AI logos on the side?  Oy vey Fox, part with a buck, will ya’?

Judges enter, Dawg looks like an ol’ librarian or nutty professor, JHO is sporting the uber-short glittery dress, and Steven…well he just looks kinda over it.  The always dapper Peaches glides down the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  James Durbin received a warm welcome home and that was nice to see, he will do just fine.

We welcome our three remaining contestants, uh when did Little Lauren become a space cowgirl?  For our first song, it’s contestant’s choice.  Beyoncé is our maven mentor.  C’mon Beyoncé, rock those ham-hocks like nobody’s bidness.

Scotty starts us off with “Amazed.”  Beyoncé says his voice is so full and warm, kinda like a 10 piece bucket o’ Popeye’s chicken.  Scotty’s eyebrows have a show all their own going on here, they are doing the wave or some shit.  The judges all bob their heads as if they are being lulled to sleep.  Steven was glad to see Scotty “get angry”, JHO likes the “vibrato” (Oh, you know she does!) and DAWG says he knows where his “lane is” and he “put a period on the end” and Scotty’s “got money!”  He’s got money and punctuation, DAWG must have been reading the message boards saying he needs some new catch phrases.

Little Lauren is up next with “Wild One.”  Beyoncé gives her props and claps with her janky, clanky, jewelry.  She gives Lauren a pep talk and tells her to be a Diva on stage.  Lauren is too young, maybe she could be a Wee-va!  Holy earrings Lauren, what the flip?  She has space ball earrings too, sparkly boots, and then some sort of cape/halter top.  I think hair and wardrobe got a little crazy with the glitter glue.  JHO gave her props and DAWG admires her connection and having fun.  Good lookin’ out.  Steven gives her a smile and says she is ready for “America to be all over you.”  Peaches asks her what it feels like on her brain.  She gets chummy with the Peach and he says that’s what he’s there for.  Where would we be without the shot of Lauren’s mom-mom, Brit-Brit?  Just look for the platinum blonde helmet hair and the hot pink bedazzled tee-shirt.  I am not digging the dark hair underneath Lauren’s toddlers-n-tiaras weave.

Haley will sing “What Is and What Should Never Be.”  Beyoncé says it shows her *bleep*.  Well bring on da’ BLEEP…Haley is hoping to have her dad play guitar with her because “he rips pretty good.”  OH LORD…so many jokes, so little time.  Haley emerges slowly from the tippy top of the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  It looks like her dad is “ripping”on stage with her.  I am not sure if I like this song choice for her.  Judges appear to be rockin’ out.  There is just something very incongruent about Haley’s look and her singing.  Is she a rocker or a cute little song bird in a flouncy dress?  I guess that’s what the judges mean when they say “who are you as an artist?”  Thank God we don’t have to hear Kara Dioguardi say that anymore.  DAWG gives her a standing O and we see Haley mouth the words “OMG”.  Steven drags his lazy ass out of his chair to give a squatting O.  DAWG called her “fearless”, said she “slayed it” and gave her a “best performance ever.”  Steven says “superb” and asks her if she fell for him.  WTF, now I have to re-watch…one moment please…hard to type and watch.  OH hahaha!  I am going straight to hell for laughing at Haley’s fall, but that was kinda funny.  Hmm…now you see her, now you don’t!  You look away for a minute and you miss the funny sh!t.  Okay, all things considered, she recovered nicely.  Peaches gathers Haley and her rippin’ pops together, tells them to scoot off stage, DAWG gives round 1 to Haley.  Steven said Lauren got her freak on and JHO went with Haley and said she “created a moment.”

Jimmy I’s picks are up next with Scotty.  As we go to break, we see Priscilla Presley next to Scotty.  I thought that was her earlier when the show opened.  What is up with the dude in the dog costume in the audience?  What is going on tonight?  A full moon must be eminent.  He will sing “Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?”  Scotty seems about enthusiastic as a sea turtle, maybe he is nervous, or tired.  He does okay, now really Jimmy I., you need sunglasses in the studio?  Oh these Hollywood d-bags.  We are treated to some creepy Scotty eyes at the end and the judges go nut-ballz.  JHO is making about as much sense as Steven.  She asks him to shave his head for the finale.  WHA???  DAWG said Scotty approached “Garth level.”  Scotty’s in it to win it.  Wow, surprises, cheers, hurrah!  Peaches-n-DAWG exchange some waxing jokes.  Wax on, wax off.

We return from break and Scotty is waxing philosophical.  Enough with the wax, NEXT…Litt’l Lauren is having a wardrobe malfunction and she ripped her panty hose so the FOX intern is feverishly applying body makeup to Lauren’s Li’l Drummies.  We flash back to Lauren’s audition and thank goodness they got a hold of her hair.  Lauren’s hair do was a hair don’t.  Someone needs to work with her mom’s Brit-Brit helmet hair next.  Lauren is sitting with Peaches, hope she doesn’t get body makeup on the stool.  Jimmy has Lauren sing “If I Die Young.”  Her legs are glistening brightly, they’re like the sun, you can’t look directly at them.  I am not sure why they had her sit down on the stage with such a short skirt on.  That was awkward, anyway on to the critique.  JHO says she had an “honest moment”, when she screwed up.  Oh boy, Brit-Brit has a microphone, what pray-tell will she say???  DAWG said she has a nice tone and liked the song choice.  Steven and his usual gibberish with the bird in his hair, blah blah blah.  On to Kristy, Lauren’s Brit-Brit mom.  She says she’s aged 20 years.  Ok, so then you’ll stop dressing and doing your makeup like Brit-Brit?

Haley is on deck with Jimmy’s pick of “Rihanna.”  She starts out okay, the Fox intern cues the wind machine…Haley is a little too into the wind machine.  I’m not *blown away* by her perf.  Pun intended.  DAWG says she was cracking him up because she was looking up.  Haley admits she had trouble remembering the words.  DAWG says he would grow his hair out if he could have a wind machine.  Steven could let the birdies blow in the wind, JHO has her locks wound up tighter than a stage mom on crack, so no wind machine for her.  Peaches tells Haley to slip off and Steven says Lauren took round 2.  JHO goes with Scotty and DAWG echoes her sentiment.

Now, for the crescendo, round 3 Judges pick…but first we must watch Beyoncé’s new video.  Does anyone come on this show without anything to plug.  Just DAWG and Peaches, they are the only plug-less ones.

Judges choose “She Believes in Me” for Scotty.  JHO is singing along with that distressed look on her face.  Steven compliments him on the chorus, JHO agrees and DAWG calls him “sweet and tender.”  DAWG…enough with the food references.  Peaches throws to Scotty’s dad who sings his version of “Baby Lock Dem Doors.”

We come back from break and Scotty is saying something about his dad singing and he says “Mike” and then something very strange happens.  He sort of *snaps* and says “don’t say Mike.”  Looks like Scotty went a little Cybil on our asses.

Lauren will sing “I Hope You Dance.”  She sounds a little weak on the song, a bit pageanty, she needs to beef it up.  JHO has goose bumps and gives her round 3 already.  DAWG loved it too, why was I not floored?  Steven is fed up with the banter between Peaches-n-DAWG, he is so happy with Lauren’s perf.

Haley is next with “You Oughtta Know.”  Too bad DAWG didn’t get Haley good-n-pissed earlier.  She will have to emote those old feelings she had for Casey.  Oy, she sounds like she is stumbling on the lyrics and struggling a bit with her vocal.  Judges heads bob in anticipation, can she be saved???  DAWG loved it, but noted her fumble.  Steven loved the choruses again and good ol’ JHO with feedback of little substance.

I am tepid, I don’t think I even wanna vote.  Oh well, Peaches emphasizes the importance of voting, so I guess I will.  I was just not wowed this evening.

Final three results…Jimmy I. predicts that there will be a guy in the finale.  Well, that could mean Scotty, or it could mean Peaches, DAWG, or Steven.  Judges emerge, JHO is sporting some short shorts that don’t seem to fit quite right.  They are riding up and she is trying to keep them at bay and when she turns around, she reveals a serious wedgie.  Peaches emerges from the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  We see all of our former contestants in the audience waiting with baited breath.  The crowd is going wild, Peaches announces 95 million votes came in.  Don’t miss the action a day early next week, AI is on Tuesday night!

Lauren is in her space cowgirl boots again.  Haley has a halo or something on her head and Scotty looks all laid back in his Member’s Only jacket.  We flash back to the final four and they visit J.J. Abrams and he gets to plug his new movie, Super 8.  It’s about a low budget, seedy, no-tell mo-tel chain.  No, just jokes…it’s about some kids that make movies with a Super 8 camera.  Given J.J.’s history with film and television production, I am sure it’s full of twists and turns and unexplainable events.

Peaches is talking to some actress from the movie and asks her who her favorite is.  She goes on and on and on about her cousin’s favorite and they want to see this person sing and she … just… can’t… get… her …words …out.  Good Lord, Peaches looks at his watch and throws to commercial break.  They say that live television is very stressful for the host because the timing is so crucial.  I think this chick just single-handedly sent Peaches into orbit.

We get to see Haley go back to her home town in the rain, big surprise.  It’s still raining here in Chicago.  She is going to the lovely town of Wheeling where the fans are out in full force.  Did Haley just say “Holy Schnikes”?  Wow…just…wow.  Haley heads home, then to the pep rally at the high school, then off to the race track to perform, in the rain.  The big security guard is fake-weeping and we take another commercial break.

Peaches returns with this little girl he calls his assistant.  She says something into the microphone and then she is just exasperated, like seriously gasping for her breath.  She must have been overly excited to make her television debut!  There’s a musical performance, which I will FF through.  Now we go with the cameras to see Scotty’s hometown visit, he starts eating a donut handed to him by a random, crazed fan.  He goes to his high school and now he is sobbing.  Oh, oh, wait for it…holy shitballz, Scotty breaks out into the ugly cry!  Meanwhile, back at the grocery store where Scotty rang up granny smith apples like nobody’s bidness, we have more fanfare and sobbing.  What Scotty film package would not be complete without some “Baby Lock Dem Doors”, with the original artist, Josh Turner?

Next, our eyeballs are tortured with a performance by Nicole Scherzinger.  Auto-tune at its finest once again.

Sidebar:  It’s GAME TIME!  Let’s play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon!

We saw the new video from American Idol judge, Steven Tyler (1st degree), which featured Nicole Scherzinger (2nd degree), who is also slated to host the upcoming “X-Factor”, which will feature former AI judges Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul (3rd and 4th degrees).  Current AI judge JHO (5th degree), had a guest star appearance playing herself on “Will & Grace” (6th degree), which leads us to KEVIN BACON (who also guest starred on “Will & Grace” playing himself!)  See how easy this game is???  Try it at your next Barbecue or Bar mitzvah!

We go home with Little Lauren and it appears many of her fans are little girls.  I am so glad that her mom Brit-Brit had her hair and makeup team on hand.  On a much more serious note, they take a ride to see the damage from the storms.  She goes to visit this little local hero who saved his family from the storms.  This is actually very sweet, it’s tearing the ass out of poor Lauren.

Peaches summons the final three to center stage.  Peaches throws to another commercial break, now the suspense is killing us…Scotty is in and he will go against LaurenHaley looks like the cheese just got KICKED off her cracker.  She is on the verge of going bunny boiling psycho.  Peaches grabs her hand and she seems to recoup her composure, but she is in shock.  She sings us out with “Benny and the Jets.”  Well, it’s a wrap for this penultimate weecap!  See you next week for the finale!

Final Four

It’s getting down to the wire and the judges are situated as Peaches emerges from the Hasbro’s slippery steps.  Looks like Peaches has parted his hair on the other side this week.  The Fox intern must have had to send the cryogenic tank out for a good cleanin’.

The final four come out and James almost takes a powder because he steps on the back of Lauren’s dress.  Why on earth they have Lauren dressed in drapery is beyond me.  It’s way too much fabric for her to carry off.

Lady Gaga is our mentor this week and they will sing songs that inspire them.  Oy vey, this could be really awkward.  Thank goodness this crazy thunderstorm is over and we did not lose electricity!  I would really have to freak out if I missed the show this week!

James is going to sing “Don’t Stop Believin’.”  James asks if we know this song, well, yes of course we do.  It’s the song that was playing when the series finale of the Soprano’s went “black” and America was left wondering if Tony got whacked or what.  DAWG must be thrilled, but James sounds a bit off tonight.  A bit pitchy DAWG.  A fan in the audience is holding up a poster with some really creepy eyes.  Anyway, let’s see what the judges think…I am not sure if Steven swore or if there was something wrong with the sound, but something was bleeped out and I don’t know what he said.  JHO said “great job” and DAWG loved it because it was his old band.  DAWG loved it!  Maybe my ears are off tonight!  James makes a fish face and we are on to the next performance.

Peaches is touting Steven’s new book and the new Coca Cola cups.  Next up is Haley with “What About Us?” by Michael Jackson.  Haley is on the Hasbro’s slippery steps, junior me starter kit version.  I am not wild about her performance at all, she sounds like she is screaming.  JHO said she could feel the inspiration, but James set the bar.  DAWG agrees emphatically off camera “Hmm, mmm, hmm.”  Stop thinking about Burger King, DAWG.  He keeps it real and tells her all the things he doesn’t like about it.  He agrees that she was screaming and she didn’t deliver.  Haley looks like she wants to stab his eyes out and she argues with the DAWG.  Steven tries to run interference and tells her not to listen to them and a full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ beat-down ensues.  Haley gets lippy and of course, Steven is her cheerleader.  Peaches asks what she is supposed to do with that “concoction of feedback.”  Haley looks like she wants to cry and Peaches offers her some consolation.  Wah wah wah!  Haley comes back to say that she didn’t want to get “emo” on the show, I presume she means “emotional.”  In the meantime, the Fox intern rushes by her to make sure Peaches’ cryogenic tank is back from the cleaners and cooled down to the proper temperature.

Scotty is next with “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning?”  The crowd goes wild in light of recent events.  The judges all enjoy it and they seem very somber.  Between the commercials, Scotty says, “People out there really touched me.”  So many jokes, so little time.

Someone needs to come out and shake it up in this bee-otch!  Casey and Paul are in the audience to plug the AI tour.  Little Lauren will perform “Anyway.”  She sounds great, but I am still not over the drapery dress.  If the dress was all one length on the shorter side, it would be fine, but the big long train is overkill.  Steven says she delivered it like “a blue plate special”, he loves the buckles on her shoes and the dress.  JHO says Lauren is listening to their advice and it was a great vocal perf.  DAWG admits he was worried, but says she is back in it to win it!  We are treated to the token shot of Lauren’s mom, Brit Brit.  Lauren says the song means so much to her and she and Peaches share a moment.

Peaches preps for round 2…he calls all the contestants out for a recap and asks JHO who took round 1.  She tap-dances around and doesn’t really answer, the audience screams “James” and saves JHO from having to commit.  DAWG says it’s a tie between Scotty, James, and Lauren.  Haley looks like she wants to cut DAWG up with the shiv that Naima fashioned out of the empty coca cola can.  DAWG says she needs to up her game and she gives DAWG the biggest snot face EVER!  Peaches goes to commercial and Haley is turning away from the camera because she is about to go off the rails.

Well Miss Hay-Hay, gityershitogether and blow the roof off the dump!  JHO is punching DAWG and they say he is being mean.  He’s the new Cowell, what do you expect people???  Peaches introduces the “Music Monster” Lady Gaga.  She is there to “be a friend” to the contestants.  She looks like she fell into the dollar bin at the costume shop three days after Halloween.

Gaga tried to back the banana bus up by asking Haley go bunny boiling psycho with the performance so that it’s not too bland.  Haley says she loves acting, maybe she can snag a gig on the Disney Channel.  She delivers her “theatrical” performance of “I Who Have Nothing” and we get a close up of Haley.  It looks like she is getting some nasty break outs from all of the makeup.  Judges give her a standing O and JHO gives her a mini-lecture about why they are so hard on her.  DAWG says she had a “moment.”  Steven says she just “Reinharted” herself into next week.  Haley got some mad-ass skills when she really uses them.  Peaches brings Haley down to the judges table to they can kiss and make up.  Well, not you Steven, even though you would like to.

Scotty is up next with “Young Blood.”  Lady Caca says he’s “gotta get right into the center of that hot dog.”  He must envision the microphone as his girlfriend.  Hmm…no more Scotty side-eye tonight???  He delivers a bit more personality and he has a little pep in his step.  While the Scotty side-eye has taken a break, it appears to be replaced with Scotty crazy-eye.  He looks like Ramona from the Real Housewives of New York when she strutted down the catwalk.  DAWG says we saw “both sides of a Scotty concert.”  Steven said he made “Gaga’s yaya go lala.”  JHO, bring it back to planet earth please…she wants to see another side of him next week.  Peaches implies that Scotty was flirting with Gaga.  That is just wrong on so many levels.

Little Lauren is back with “Trouble.”  She is grappling with calling herself “evil” in the song.  You and your pure morals Lauren!  Those will go out the window when she gets into the music industry.  Gaga says she was “way too weird” to be on Idol when she was 16.  REALLY????  NO SHIT GAGA!  Not only is Lady Gaga a revolutionary performer, but she amazes me with her mastery of the obvious!  Lauren is all bedazzled in her outfit, but I am not sure why they have her in a Maitre D style jacket.  The outfit made her look a little Vegas loungey and the performance was so-so for me.  Steven loved it and JHO saw another performance quality in Lauren.  Then she says she “lost” her because she went behind her.  What up JHO, apparently the most beautiful woman in the world can’t be bothered to turn around???  Aye Carumba!  DAWG said she was workin’ it and gave her “big ups.”

James wraps up the show with “Love Potion No. 9.”  Gaga is trying to get James to gyrate, or as Bruno Tonioli would say “move those hips like a piston.”  James makes his way down the slippery steps and he’s rockin’ out.  He runs around in the audience a bit, but I don’t really see the hip action he was supposed to give us.  Oh well, still a good James performance.  Steven seems a bit subdued tonight, like a sleepy sea turtle, as if they didn’t put quite enough tranquilizer in the blow dart.  JHO says he can sing anything, DAWG says he is peaking at the right time.

Sidebar:  Steven has got to do something with his hair.  He is the victim of a low flow shower head or something.  He needs some bounce in his coif.

Peaches urges us to vote and reminds us this was the week that Daughtry went home.  Looks like tomorrow’s results show is chock full o’ shameless plugs.

Peaches gives the serious introduction of our Final Four.  Our judges enter and it looks like Steven is semi-awake tonight.  Peaches comes out with his hi-pro-glo.  The creepy eyelash James fan poster is back in the crowd.  We get a quick recap of the performances and we move on to the duets.  The guys sing first and James gets some lovin’ from his wife in the audience.  The girls sing second and they actually do very well.  They sound good and they finally have Lauren dressed very cool and not so “toddlers-n-tiaras.”  Lauren does the heavy metal hair flips and Haley looks like she just came from a beach BBQ.

Windows 7 gets a plug so the contestants can connect via video to their loved ones.  Wah wah wah, let’s get to the point.  The golden stools are waiting, although now they are not stools of death, but they are for the top three.  Lauren takes stool #1.

Now the contestants cuddle in to “allegedly” watch a DVD of Lady Gaga singing the song that Haley sang last week and bombed out on.  Gaga looks like a Xeroxed copy of Madonna after being dipped in whiskey and thrown in a crack pipe.  She is playing her piano in the Jersey Turnpike position, oh now she is squatting, what in the hell is this f*ckery?  Some of her songs are kitschy, but she is clearly from planet Absolutelyfuckingnuts.

Sidebar:  I found this out from another blog that I read, I will quote… “Most of the time Lady Caca hobbles around in the same ridiculous no-heel footwear f*ckery, but last night she showed up to mentor the remaining American Idol contestants wearing dick more costly than Calvin Klein’s side piece.”

If you want to see a picture, JFGI (Just Freakin’ Google It – Lady Gaga penis shoes), it’s all over the internet.

The heels are a pair of Lucite dildos and the Fox censors put the AI logo over her heels.  Funny, I thought the heels looked strange when I watched the show last night.  Anyhoo…these batshit crazy kicks retail for over $4,500.00.  Hey shoes that double as a sex toy?  I would say it’s a GD bargain for Gaga.  At least the Lucite can’t contract Hepatitis C.

OYOYOY, next we watch Enrique crowd surf, then Peaches jumps off the stage and falls into the crowd trying to hit a beach ball.  Now the Ford video…blah blah blah.  I am so over this, I just want to know who is booted already.  Jordin Sparks gives us a visit with her new song “I am Woman.”  I entertain this for a few moments, but I am quickly over it, this song and performance was a bit too Brit Brit for my taste.  Thank goodness again for DVR.

Next we get to see the new Steven Tyler video “It Feels So Good.”  OMG, is that a monkey wit’ a wig on???  How chachtastic!  The dark haired girl toward the end of the video looks like former Pussy Cat Doll, Nicole Scherzinger.  JFGI…it is her, I guess she needs something to do before her hosting gig on the “X Factor” starts.  Steven has gone completely commercial.  Crampa knows where his bread be buttered.

Haley takes golden stool #2.  Could my prediction be correct?  Is this the end of the road for Scotty?  James looks like he wants to chunder from down under.  HOLYMUTHERFREAKINSHITBALLZ, James is out and Scotty takes golden stool #3.  I feel terrible, the judges are mortified.  James gives his wife the “It’s OK!”  Wow, I am really surprised.  Well the good news is he gets to go home to his wife and son, he will likely be signed, and he will have the freedom to record the kind of music he wants to.

JHO is weeping and James says he did everything he came to do.  He sings us out and there’s not a dry eye in the house, including this one.  Well except for my dog, he’s tearin’ the ass out of his new toy, no clue that our favorite singer just got da’ boot.  So it’s possible that my other favorite, Little Lauren could take this competition.  We shall see what next week brings.

Gimme a High Five!

The final five will perform and they are ready to get to da’ bidness.  No grand entrance, no Hasbro’s slippery steps, judges are seated, and we are locked, cocked, and ready to rock!

There is a poster being held up in the audience saying “I *heart* the Seacrest side-part”.  Is that what looks different about Peaches lately?  I thought he was dying his hair with Grecian formula or that spray paint stuff you see on TV at 3 a.m.

Sidebar:  Steven Tyler kept saying “Hi Dad”.  After I JFGI (just freakin’ googled it), I found out that Steven was supposed to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner and he had cancelled to be with his 95 year old ailing father, Victor Tallarico.  He was just givin’ dad a shout out…what a good son!

Peaches says it’s an important night and DAWG gives his “in it to win it” come to Jesus speech.  Each will sing two songs, Sheryl Crow is the mentor this week.  I have always liked her, so I am glad to see her coaching our precious peeps.

James starts with “Closer to the Edge”.  I thought he sounded pretty good, but not my favorite performance of his.  Let’s confer with our judges…Steven says he’s “ready for Freddie” and JHO is feelin’ it.  DAWG says he’s in it to win it and Peaches says he brought out the “full monty”.

Next we have Jacob Lusky Stank signing “No Air”.  Peaches asks him if he still feels like an underdog as he gently touches Stank’s arm.  He has some goofy dance moves, I think he pulled out the “sprinkler”.  You know the one where he points his arm out straight and then moves it back and forth in these sharp, jerky movements, simulating the movement of those little rotating, pulsating sprinklers.  Sorry Stank…I predict you may still be on that banana peel.  JHO wants to know who he is, DAWG sh!t cans the whole perf, telling him he is going in the wrong direction.  He tells Stank to be the “new Luther”.  All Stank can do is nod enthusiastically.  Okay we get it, Luther sang POP songs.  He tries to sass DAWG a bit and Peaches concludes the “battle of the network stars”.

Little Lauren is singing “Flat on the Floor” by Carrie Underwood.  I am not sure why they are singing songs by former Idol winners.  Big shoes to fill, big shoes.  She sounds great, but again, everyone in the wardrobe department needs a good ol’ fashioned beat down bitch slappin’.  She has this ropey, metallic, fringe around her waist.  Lauren is young, but she has curves, why, why, why would they dress her like carwash equipment?  JHO is rockin’ out givin’ da’ stank face, it must be good!  DAWG loves it and Steven thinks she’s “it”.  Peaches agrees, JHO’s face during the perf “said it all”!

Sidebar:  I rarely watch commercials thanks to DVR, but I did see the Wal-Mart commercial where the two little girls were putting the anti-aging cream on their grandpa’s face with a rubber spatula while he was sound asleep…now that was kinda funny!

Our Scotty fix is up next with “Gone”.  I do like to see him a bit more upbeat and different.  Wow, if you were playing a drinking game where you had to drink every time the backup girls sang the word “Gone”, you would be tore up from the floor up by the end of the song!  JHO is busting, she loves it.  Again, her reaction says it all.  Steven says he “danced with the devil” and it showed another side of him.  JHO gives a gushing review and DAWG said he felt like he was at a concert and he rocked it.  Peaches is all atwitter, they are all in it to win it!

Haley is going to sing an unreleased GaGa song called “You and I”.  They break out the Hasbro slippery steps for Miss Haley.  She’s a little raunch, a little hooker on the third shift, or the bartender at the topless club during lunch hour on a Monday.  But I digress, JHO is not to sure that Jimmy gave her the best advice with the song.  Haley looks like she wants to punch JHO in the throat with an open fist.  DAWG agrees and said it didn’t “do her any favors”.  Once again, Steven has to be the icing on her cake and say nice things to make Haley happy.

James is back with “Without You”.  He has a break down, but this could be a break through.  We may be treated to the softer side of his voice.  Kick ass James, Kick freakin’ ass!  James crying, DAWG tells him the comp is “yours to lose”, Steven loves it, but sorta pitchy, JHO loves it also and says he is a “true artist”.  Peaches is going to usher James off to the hyperbaric chamber to calm his arse down.

Lusky Stunk is going to sing “Love Stinks Hurts”.  His voice is too high, he really belongs on Broadway.  I have to say it now, I think Jacob may be eliminated this week.  Whadda ya’ know, Sir Anthony Hopkins (a.k.a. Hannibal Lecther) is in the audience.  The judges are giving him good commentary and Jacob looks like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup.  There is no reaction or emoting from Jacob, it’s weird.  Did they shoot his face up with botox?  Oh wait, he gives the DAWG a smile.

Little Lauren will be singing “Unchained Melody”.  I thought Simon Cowell put an embargo on this song years ago.  Oh well, when the cat’s, away the mice will play…or maybe we should say when the panther in the extra small baby gap sweater with moobs (man-boobs) is away…the contestants will sing whatever the hell they want!  It starts out a little slow, Lauren is going to have to pull something out of her toddlers-n-tiaras weave, and quick!  If Cowell were here, you bet his eyes would be rolling in the back of his head and he would give it the “pageanty” kiss of death.  I bet DAWG pulls out a “safe” or a “boring”.  JHO says “nothin’ to judge here”, oy…translation = move along folks, nothing to see here.  DAWG actually likes it, calls it a “tender moment”.  Steven loves it of course.

Sidebar:  Steven seems to have lost a bit of his edge.  He was much more entertaining during the auditions.  He needs to say something other than “that was beautiful”, we get it Stevie, crack out your thesaurus and find some more colorful language.

Scotty is back with “You Were Always on my Mind”.  Okay Scottie, time to pull out da’ big guns.  The Fox intern didn’t do a very good job tucking in the cord to his ear piece.  It’s flappin’ in da’ wind on Scotty’s right side.  How distracting.  Scotty pulls it off, and Sheryl Crow predicts a future for him regardless of the outcome of the competition.  JHO says he showed well-roundedness and DAWG D Diddy Money says “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.  Steven said it was “perfect”.  Peaches asks Scotty’s Purerto Rican G’ma what she thinks, but all she said was “he’s my Scotty”.  Now that was insightful!  Just kiddin’ g’ma!

Haley is back with “The House of the Rising Sun”.  Haley emerges from the smoking stage, she is all sultry and seductive.  Something tells me she has Steven’s full attention.  She gets a standing O from all three judges.  DAWG gives her best perf of the night and says she “blossomed”.  JHO and Steven agree, looks like the pissed offed-ness from earlier paid off.

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, and we are on to the results…

Enter our esteemed judges…JHO is wearing a bubble skirt that looks like an inflated hefty bag.  Peaches descends down the Hasbro’s slippery steps looking exactly the same as he did last night.  Well his hair is a little higher, but that isn’t going to help his case.  Peaches makes a shameless plug for Steven’s new book, all the while Steven is totally ignoring Peaches because he is writing out his grocery list…baby oil, bird seed, osteo-flex.  But I digress…Peaches is just churning out the plays on words, “this book is not for the faint of heart, you’ve really exposed yourself here.”  Off-camera, you can hear DAWG go “WHAT?!?!”  Peaches asks “is there any area you haven’t touched?”  Oh for the love of all that is good and descent Peaches, cut the shit.

Peaches moves on to JHO, who is performing tonight and we get a sneak peek of her new video.  Then Peaches humors DAWG by saying he is having a bake sale in Tarzana this weekend.

Our final five perform the group number and I am convinced more than ever that Jacob needs to pack his bags.  If he doesn’t go, gummi bears will fly at the television tonight.  Now we go through the shameless Ford plug, and now Chef Gordon Ramsey is testing their cooking skills.  Way to plug Hell’s Kitchen, Fox.  Gordon calls Haley’s omelet “a bit pitchy” and he “pitches” it in the trash.  He tells Jacob his omelet looks like a plate of vomit, James’ food is as hard as a rock, he likes Lauren’s dish, and finally, he spits Scotty’s in the trash.  Har har har…we get the joke…cute.  Can we just move on…?

Next we get a little bit about how they pick the songs, and a shameless plug for the search engine, bing.  I swear if they cut out all of this fu*ckery, the show would be 10 minutes long, tops.

Peaches commands the Fox intern to dim the lights, Jimmy Iovine gives James a hit, says he performed at an “8”.  Peaches sends him to the other side of the stage.  Lauren gets her feedback from Jimmy, he echoed my sentiments on the perf of “Unchained Melody”, it was weak.  There is a reason Cowell put the kibosh on that song years ago.  Lauren is on the other side of the stage.

Yet another stinkin’ commercial break so JHO can go suit up.  We are back in Hell’s Kitchen and they are doing a taste test.  When Chef Ramsey feeds Lauren and Jacob tofu, I did have to chuckle, they both looked like they wanted to barf.

DAWG, Peaches, and Steven are in the audience throwing popcorn around and JHO comes out to perform.  Now I am completely perplexed…while I appreciate that JHO chose to forgo camel toe pants, I cannot for the love of God figure out why she is wearing hammer pants.  They are saggin’ in the crotch like  she gotta load in there or something.  These pants are a bit of a paradox because from behind she looks like she has an atomic wedgie.  Where are the Fashion Police???  There is a serious warrant out for JHO’s stylist.

Now we get to watch JHO’s new video while she changes her clothes.  Geez, when did this show become all about her???  She is magically back in place, they must have pre-recorded her dance number.  James looks like he is about to stroke out and Lauren looks like she is going to cry.  Jacob Lusky Stank is summoned by Peaches to receive his commentary from Jimmy I.  Jimmy calls him a “6”, translation = prognosis negative.

Haley is next and Jimmy says she won the night and was a “10”.  Peaches sends her over to James, so they are definitely safe.  They just have to be.  Scotty receives his feedback and Jimmy says he will have an “extraordinary career no matter what”.  I concur.  Peaches notes that Scotty has never been in the bottom two and he is safe.  Peaches ushers him over to Haley and James and they are also safe.

At this point, I have to think that Jacob knows.  He is trying to comfort Little Lauren who is a train wreck right now.  Peaches is also trying to console her.  Finally, we get the word that Jacob is out, justice has been served.  We take our little journey down memory lane and Jacob sings us out.  The vibe is weird, everyone seems uncomfortable.  Peaches pushes the contestants over to go gather round Jacob and say their good-byes.

Poor Jacob, well he can always go back to his spa or enter his tongue in a tractor pull.  He gotta big, nasty tongue people, and it looks very strong, I’m just sayin’!