It’s the Same ol’ Song and Dance, My Friend

We pick up with OHAC saying that he felt the group went easy on Wigs.  Nene reads a loving text she received from Wigs, hoping they may be able to bury the hatchet someday.  We all know Wigs only showed up and made nice so she could promote her spin off show and I am sure Nene’s spin off isn’t far behind…

We revisit Kandi’s happy times this season and the prediction made by the witch doctor in Africa.  We flash back to Africa when the witch doctor rolled the bones on the ground and told Kandi that the man she is going to be with was already with her, which is Todd who worked on production during that trip.  Hmmm…interesting!  Nene has a less ominous take on the romance “they’re both short and they need love”.

We drudge up the Kenya and Walter saga next, Walter did radio interview saying he was hired to portray Kenya’s boyfriend so that she could be cast on the show.  Kenya does her best deny, deny, deny, twirl, twirl, twirl.  She cannot fathom why anyone would think she would hire him to play her boyfriend when she has a “worldwide stage” from which to select the finest pimps.  Nene disagrees and Phaedra feels Kenya was flirting with “everybody that had on a necktie.”  Kenya responds by saying “flirting with someone does not a whore make” as she flicks her gone with the wind fan.  I’m sure Kenya’s perfectly normal behavior as demonstrated on national television will have quality suitors lined up at her doorstep.

OHAC confronts Kenya about implying Walter was gay and she doesn’t feel she did anything wrong.  He’s like “bitch puh-leaze” and she is like “you don’t get into this cookie jar unless you earn it.”  Uggh…what kinda cookies are those, stale Fig Newtons?  Double uggh…the Fig Newton isn’t even a cookie in my book, but I digress…Kenya admits nothing ever happened between the two of them, and Kandi is appalled that Kenya would consider marriage without trying the goods first.  At least someone up in this hizzy has their priorities straight!  Kenya turns the convo back to Phaedra and harps on the fact that Phaedra called her a whore.  How dare she, especially when Phaedra was having sex with a convicted felon fresh out of prison, then got pregnant, and lied about her pregnancy term.  Dayyyyum!

Kenya is just balls on nuts crazy here, she acts like she was too good for Walter, but yet was practically begging him to get it on and marry her in Anguilla.  Then when he jumps off the crazy train, she implies he is a homosexual on national television.  I’m no Walter fan, but the creepy, square-eared, dude doesn’t deserve that.

In summary, no one believes that Kenya’s relationship with Walter was real.  We revisit the fact that Walter put the moves on Kandi while he was allegedly with Kenya.  Kenya continues to trash him, he lied about his age, he has a toupee, he’s an asshole, he wants to be famous, I wouldn’t spit on him if he was engulfed in flames, destroy, destroy, destroy.  OHAC asks Kenya about her love life now, she says she is so happy and then she breaks out into tears and doesn’t want to talk about it.  Me confused, happy tears or psycho tears?  Nene says it’s an “ol’ black man” and OHAC looks confused.  He asks if it’s “Big Papa”, which breaks the awkward moment.

Let’s bring on the Neanderthal boys, the house hubbies!  Actually, King Meathead, Kordell, is missing.  We revisit the various bromances and scuttlebutt amongst the men and OHAC asks Todd about his apprehension about appearing on the show.  Todd is a man of few words and is only there to support Kandi, who he clearly adores.

We go back to the Walter question and Peter feels Walter wanted to promote his towing company and the relationship with Kenya was not real.  The men discuss the homosexual allegations and Walter’s radio tour.  Peter, Apollo, and Todd all claim that they told Walter not to do the radio press.  Kenya drags Phaedra into it by saying she represented Walter…wha?  Peter and Kenya start arguing and Apollo jumps in.  Kenya has had enough, she flicks her fan, and finishes it off by standing up and giving a gone with the wind twirl.  OHAC is trying to follow the action and his head starts spinning as it gets wrapped up in her polyester yellow caftan.  Nene is laughing her ass off at all of this, she is thoroughly entertained.  Kenya then breaks out into her song.  Peter sums it up, Kenya chased Walter the whole season and then when things didn’t go her way, she blasted her mouth off.  Kenya is acting really childish, singing to herself to avoid listening to Peter’s astute summation.

Kenya-Twirling

Apollo discusses Kenya and says he doesn’t care for her and Kenya fires back “stop texting me then!”  Kenya shows her texts, but they seem a bit innocent and the whole thing is very anti-climactic.  Phaedra says this is why she called Kenya a “ho”.  Apollo gets line of the night “I’m a convicted felon, but I’m an educated convicted felon.”  Yeah, he knows how to make a shiv in five languages.

Hubbies

The two ladies start going at it and Kenya makes a comment about Phaedra’s breasts being pushed up around her neck and Phaedra suggests Kenya get hers re-augmented because they are “hangin’ down like banana boats.”  Which is a close second for line of the night.

During the next segment, the stage belongs to Porsha and we revisit the goofy ass shit that would come out of her mouth.  OHAC asks how things are going and she is very protective of Kordell.  She will defend her husband all day, every day.  Too bad he was packing up the contents of his underwear drawer and heading off to a meeting with his divorce attorney.  Porsha gets a little feisty and defends her position as a wife and she says she looked up to the ladies and admired their independence.  She had only wished they would have been more supportive during her first season.  Nice speech, Porsha…clearly the wheel is turnin’, but the hamster is dead.

Leave it to spineless Cynthia to pipe up about everyone having to pay their dues during their first season.  A housewife hazing if you will…Nene piles on by saying they all got hit harder during the first season of the ATL and she opened up the door for the likes of ditzy Porsha and all the other ratchet as hell housewives.  There will be no free rides, Porsha, you must endure the wrath and ridicule like everyone else.  OHAC gives Porsha the opportunity to demonstrate her singing voice, which is like watching a bad American Idol audition.  The group patronizes her and gives her a round of golf claps.

In conclusion, the ladies all felt like the show was much better this season, more positive.  However, Phaedra did not enjoy it at all.  Nene says she knew she would be the last original ATL housewife standing and she feels they need to replace a person.  She summons OHAC for a meeting at his office later so she can seal the fate of the housewife she wants gone.

Phew…that’s all folks, and not a moment too soon.  I must go rest my little psyche before RHNJ starts in June.

The Wig Has Left the Building

We begin part two with OHAC pointing out how Nene loves conflict and Nene claims she is as neutral as Switzerland and she even encouraged her spineless puppet friend, Cynthia to form her own opinions about the other women.  Due to her newfound fame, Nene has apparently become the new Zen-Master, she isn’t sweating the small stuff.  But we will insert sound of needle scratching off of a record in about 20 seconds when she attacks Phaedra like a wild howler monkey.  Kandi fires back that Nene is always pushing the women to take sides.  Blah, blah, blah…we change gears and discuss the re-marriage plot line for Nene and Gregg.  Nene thinks her success drove a wedge between she and Gregg and it was difficult to sustain a loving marriage when all of these low down dirty bitches were being shady and negative.  Bitch puh-leaze, Nene knows she is getting a wedding buy Bravo, so she needs to just zip it.

Nene-99Problems

Next, Nene jumps on the Phaedra bashing wagon and accuses Phaedra of bringing Grade A Sketchball Marlo on the show to start shit with Nene because of her past with Charles Grant.  The convo quickly turned to Nene’s flirting with Peter, then we take a sharp turn off the rails and Nene throws out the example of Kenya’s inappropriate flirting with Apollo.  Kenya calls her low down and dirty and Phaedra calls her “twirl” and tells her to shut the hell up and Kenya flicks her biggest fan…again.  Phaedra gets the line of the night, saying to Kenya:  “You owe me a ‘back end’ for giving you a storyline!”  Loves.  It.

We review the Cynthia and Phaedra feud and I love Phaedra’s diversion tactic of talking about a bite on her boob to avoid fessing up to butt dialing Cynthia while saying “I don’t give a f*ck about Cynthia”.  Annnd, we had to revisit the makeout sesh between Phaedra and Apollo at the party?  Really Bravo?  She defends her sloppy, disgusting, PDA and then the gates are open for the ladies to attack.  Nene is first in line to lose her shit on Phaedra, something about Phaedra contacting Nene’s estranged half-sisters to stir up drama.  There’s a lot of low down dirty and getting’ it twisted.  Lesson of the day from Nene:  You never can win when you’re dirty!  Nene and Phaedra keep going at it and then Kenya inserts herself into it.  I love how OHAC is just watching like a game of tennis, fascinated.  We have a heated debate about what it means to truly “know” someone, Phaedra eeks out a half-assed apology to Nene, but there will be no “booty lickin’.”

At this point, I am getting really bored, the ladies look worn, and their Spanks are screaming.  Porsha looks about as confused as Jessica Simpson in a library.  Let’s liven it up a bit, shall we?  Welcome back Wigs-n-Cigs!  Everyone looks like they want to vomit or throat punch her and OHAC wants to pull on her hair since she has foregone the wig.  We all know that it may be her real hair in front and she has falsies pinned in the back rat’s nest.  The knockoff Stella McCartney dress in golf course green isn’t exactly doing her any favors either.  WTMSB (way too much side boob).

Kim-Wig

We review Wigs’ rolodex of excuses with the piece de resistance, when she gives three different stories about why she can’t go on the Anguilla trip, when clearly the ladies rearranged the trip schedule around her.  OHAC calls her out on it and says that Wigs was fully aware there would be a trip and when.  Nene tacked on the fact that Wigs was in a meeting with production about the trim, so bottom line, the bitch knew and she bailed.  Wigs can’t admit that she was wrong, so she pulls the “family” card out of her wig and defends her decision to not go on the trip.  Wigs and Kandi get into it about being late for events, preferential treatment given to Wigs, whose house is better, and Kash-gate.  Kroy comes in from off-camera like a bailiff and provides paper work for Wigs to prove that she established an LLC in the baby’s name and picked the name “Kash” first.  Well the point is MOOT because Kandi isn’t going to use the name and the new name is being kept on the down low.

Kim-Paperwork

OHAC puts the million dollar question on the table, will Wigs-n-Cigs and Nene ever be friends again?  They both give a lukewarm “maybe”, then they hug it out with some prompting from OHAC.  Nene’s engulfs Wigs in her cookie monster blue Zen-master capelette and softly whispers “you still need to close your legs to married men, trashbox.”  Hugging time is over, Wigs needs to bounce, she has a spin-off to film!  DEUCES!

Nene-Cape

Next week the househubbies make an appearance and hopefully we find out the truth about Kenya and Apollo.

Meeting the Master of the Madness

I wanted to share a fun personal experience I had attending a book signing for our Master of the Madness, King of all things Bravo…Mr. Andy Cohen.  After driving through Armageddon-like weather conditions, complete with a hail storm, I arrived at the Barnes & Noble store in order to get in line for signing line tickets.  My good friend, Brenda, met me there and we were in line at 8:45 a.m.  The doors opened at 9:00 a.m. and we each purchased a book and we were #13 and #14 in line.  Sidebar:  Having never been to a celebrity book signing before, I did not know what to expect.  Your best bet is to check the venue’s website or call for specific instructions.  Some of the people waiting in line did not realize they had to buy a book or show a copy of their already purchased book from Barnes & Noble.

The person at the “Information Desk” was a living, breathing oxymoron.  We asked what time people usually start showing up for the event seating, but she wouldn’t answer our question.  She told us everything else, except what we wanted to know.  We decided to return to B&N around 4:00 p.m. and it was still a bit early to grab a seat so we went next door and enjoyed a wonderful dinner at Maggiano’s.  Sidebar:  Miss Brenda spares no expense when I announced “I have gift cards we can use for dinner…”  ahem…$18.95 for a glass of wine????  Sistah puhhh-leaze!  Seriously, I hope you enjoyed it!

Lisa_Brenda_Dinner

After dessert, I resuscitated Brenda from diabetic shock and we headed back to B&N around 6:00 p.m. and all the seats were taken, it was standing room only.  Luckily, we got a place to stand not too far from the front of the room.  The fans continued to pour in and I would estimate about 350-400 people in total were there.

Sidebar:  My dear Brenda has never met a stranger she didn’t like, until now.  From this point forward, we will never speak again of the unwieldy walking calamity who became Brenda’s new BFF.  She knew nothing about Andy Cohen and then argued with Brenda about whether or not “Watch What Happens, LIVE!” was a LIVE or recorded show.  Really?  This is what we’re doing now?  READ:  If you’re not really a fan of the person making the public appearance, stay home in your slanket, pet your cats, and smoke your Benson & Hedges.  She eventually latched on to some other people in the crowd and a young girl ended up offering the woman her seat.  Which, I have to say it was nice to see a young person commit a selfless act of kindness.  Kinda rare these days.

Andy

Anyhoo…Andy came out promptly at 7:00 p.m. and the crowd roared and cheered.  He decided to forgo the reading of a passage from the book and dove right into the Q & A.  There were many goofy questions, but in a nutshell here are the highlights: 

  • First and foremost, and most importantly, Andy is much better looking in person.  He is told this all the time, which is a double edged sword because people generally see him on T.V.  All joking aside, while he is very cute on T.V., in person he is gorgeous (and he has fabulous hair).  His personality is also much more animated and lively than on T.V.  He actually seems to tone it down a bit for the cameras.
  • Andy is glad that Lisa Vanderpump was kicked off of Dancing With the D-List.  He wants her “ass back at work, at her real job”.  Hehe!
  • Andy would Marry Lisa Vanderpump, shag Bethenney Frankel, and Kill Nene Leakes.  Those were the choices, he had to kill someone even though we all KNOW Nene is his cash cow favorite.
  • He decided to PT5 (plead the fifth) when asked who his favorite housewife was, “They’re All My Children”.
  • Worst guest:  this was answered by the audience, many shouted out “Chelsea Handler” and “Scott Baio”.  Andy commented, “yeah, Scott Baio wasn’t too keen on the game ‘Andy Loves Crotchy’”.
  • Yes, he let Anderson Cooper’s backpack get stolen out from under him on the beach in Brazil while he was checking out hot guys on the beach.  “Sorry Coops!”
  • Vanderpump Rules will be back for season two.
  • Andy is very proud of L.A. Shrinks, the show was in development for three years.  He loves Dr. V.  Who doesn’t?
  • PT5 again when asked “Team Kenya” or “Team Phaedra”?  “Oh Sweetie, Daddy doesn’t take sides!”
  • During the RHNJ reunion where Teresa pushed him, he said he didn’t even remember being pushed.  He recalled it later and wasn’t sure if it actually even happened until the producers sent him a “rough cut” of the footage.
  • His “Real Housewife” taglines would be (the King of Bravo gets two):

 “I may be a man, but I fight like a girl!”

 “I didn’t major in English, but I know how to Read!”  (snap up in a circle)

  •  Andy’s biggest inspiration in his life is his Mom.  (A collective “awwwwww”)

Answering_Questions

The Q & A wrapped up about 7:30 p.m. and the B&N store staff started organizing the lines based on the ticket numbers.  When we approached the table where Andy was sitting, a staff member takes the book and tells Andy your name.  (Earlier, store staff tooled around the crowd and provided a post it with your name on it to stick inside the book).  You may also have your phone ready to take a photo and a staff member is there to take the picture.

Brenda made the mistake of wearing a cashmere turtleneck sweater and by the time she got to meet Andy, she was so hot and sweaty she “looked like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards.”  (Her words…not mine!)  As I was approaching my turn, the staff member told Andy my name.  He said “Hi Lisa!”  Just then Brenda mentioned to Andy that I have a blog about his shows before she walked away.  He looked over at me and said “really, you’re gonna put this on your blog?” and I said “yes” and he said “yeah, do it!”

Andy_and_ME

We smiled for our photo and then he said “Lisa, I like your side pony!”  I looked into his wonky eye and said “thank you…it’s all for you!” and he said “Well I LIKE it!”  In all seriousness, his nice smile and charismatic presence overshadow the eye defect.  He quickly signed the book and we were on our way.  Everything happened so fast, but he had about 300 + books to sign by 9:00 p.m.

Signing_Books

Brenda and I left the store at 7:45 p.m.  Talk about in and out, no mussin’ about.  Overall, it was a great experience and it’s always fun to meet a TV personality and find that they are fun, outgoing, hilarious, personable, and down to earth.  Many people who watch his late night talk show feel as if they know him personally.  This, to me, is always the mark of a good host.  They don’t pretend to be anything they are not, they entertain and delight the masses simply by being themselves.  If that isn’t success, I don’t know what is.  But one thing I do know, is that I heart YOU Andy Cohen!  Thanks for the memories!

Signed_Book

Pleading the Fan

It’s reunion time and due to limited stage room, no twirling allowed.  Kenya brought her biggest fan…more on that later.  So far, we know Phaedra is eight months pregnant and she looked pretty good in her maternity gown, but best dressed goes to Miss Cynthia.  Girl knows how to work it, she looked great.  The rest of the gals look like they hit the formal department at Goodwill.

Cynthia-Gown

Overall, part one of this reunion is pretty boring, we review a clip reel of inappropriateness complete with Phaedra’s barely there cover up in Anguilla.  Totes.  Over.  It.

Phaedra-Gown

We revisit Kenya’s inappropriate flirting with the house husbands and her incessant twirling, and how much she does not look like Beyoncé.  Conclusion:  Only white people who can’t tell black people apart think Kenya looks like Beyoncé.

We find out that no one reached out to Kenya during her cancer scare, but Nene scolds her and says she shouldn’t have expected anyone to give three wet farts when nobody knew about it until it aired five months later.  Is Linnethia Monique Leaks the new voice of reason????  Porsha and Kenya argue about the cancer scare being a life changing experience and Porsha notes that Kenya hasn’t changed one bit.  Kenya flicks her fan to deflect the truth and refuses to comment.

Nene and Kandi get into some kind of argument about how they both throw shade at each other and Nene has cut Kandi “to the white meat” and they slog all the way back to season one.  Nene said some crap about Kandi’s dead fiancé, A.J. and Kandi admits that from that point on, her Nene guards were in their upright and fully locked positions.

We reflect on Porsha and Kenya’s war of words over the Miss America U.S.A. flub.  Porsha points out that Miss America actually requires talent and Miss U.S.A. is basically a bikini contest.  Kenya states her ultimate issue with Porsha is that she is too cheerleader and unsophisticated.  Porsha contends Kenya is jealous of her.  As the fan flicks…

Andy reads a scathing viewer comment for Porsha, stating that she shouldn’t be bashing Kenya over her age and she better hope that Kordell didn’t just marry her as a trophy wife, or she will be dumped at 40 just like She by Shereé.  Nene cackles and I find this to be an interesting comment knowing now that Porsha was blindsided by divorce papers shortly after this reunion taping.

Kenya tries to defend assigning Porsha to dress up as BAPS for her lame ass party. But Cynthia speaks one time during this hour and says it shady as f*ck.  Kenya’s opinion in retrospect is that she shouldn’t have invited Porsha.  Point.  Blank.  Period.  As the biggest fan waves, Porsha warns Kenya that she is going to dry out her fake contacts.

We take a trip down pageant lane and reflect on Cynthia’s run-ins with Kenya.  Porsha points out that Kenya claims she is first black Miss U.S.A., but Carol Gist took the crown in 1990 and was also from Detroit (Kenya was 1993).  Kenya flicks the fan and has no comment or possible rebuttal to this truth.  Well played Porsha, well played…and good lookin’ out, showing some mad Google skills.

Phaedra answers a viewer question about wearing all of her own hair and Kenya laughs at her.  OMFG…we get a shot of Kenya using blotting papers on her face, thank god someone finally gave her a clue.  As for Phaedra, she may wear all of her own hair on the show, but at this reunion, she has about a half pound of someone else’s hair on her nappy head.

We revisit Kenya and Phaedra’s fast friendship and even quicker demise.  They continue the battle of the dueling DVD sales and Kenya is claiming hers is doing better than Phaedra’s.  Phaedra claims that is not correct and hers has even outsold Jillian Michaels.  Then they argue about fake reviews on amazon.  Andy announces that “Entertainment Weekly” magazine gave Kenya a better rating on fitness and gave Phaedra a good rating for entertainment.  Yes, Phaedra’s DVD was entertaining all right, but not in the good kind of way.

Kenya calls Phaedra fat and Phaedra hits Kenya back calling her out on the “straight to DVD movies she produces, her fake house, and her fake boyfriend.”  They show a clip of Kenya’s music video and there is a pretty nasty spoof of Phaedra.  Good segue to talk about Kenya dressing as Phaedra at the Shoedazzle event.  Phaedra feels imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and she gets the line of the night “We used to have single white female, now we’ve got black delusional Kenya.”  Kenya flicks her biggest fan again and Kandi kindly asks her to “flick that thang wit’ your left hand.”

Kenya-Fan

The last several minutes are spent with Kenya and Phaedra going at it and talking over each other.  Kenya gives her one last warning, “Don’t come for me unless I send for you”… “you will be picking up your teeth off the floor, pregnant and all”.  Way to keep it classy, Kenya.

The Burning Bridges to Hell are Paved with Crazy

Kenya is hard at work planning her “Black Iconic Women in Film” party with a full on party planning staff and actor Tommy Ford, who Kenya worked with on “Martin”.  Kenya admits that the catalyst for this event was Porsha calling her a washed up hag, which is a great reason to throw a party.  During this scene, I wanted Kenya to flip out on the party planner and bust out a patented She by Shereé “Who gonna check me, boo?”

Phaedra and Kandi poured themselves into some tacky spandex and headed off to meet with some men from “Divas in Defense” so that Phaedra can get ready for the reunion show practice using her new stun gun “Phaedra Sparks”.  Because every woman wants to be cute and dainty while tazing the poop outta some po’ bastard attacker.  Kandi really wants to zap one of the men in the nuts with it, so he lets her simulate an attack and she actually zaps him, and she’s a little too excited about it.

Porsha and Kordell pay a visit to Dr. Sherry and we all know this is a fat waste of time because it’s public news that Kordell filed for divorce.  Dr. Sherry gives her best counseling effort and Porsha tries to give good wife, but Kordell is clearly set in his ways and he wants Porsha to stay home and continue raise him to be a misogynist meat-head like his mommy did.  He tells her there is no winning an argument with him, she will lose every time.  I feel somewhat bad for Porsha here, but he has made it abundantly clear that he has absolutely zero f*cks to give about her happiness.  Even though this poor girl can barely find her way out of a paper bag, I am confident she will be better off without him.

It’s one hour until Kenya’s party and she is a greezy bundle of crazy nerves.  One of Kenya’s producer friends, Brandon, arrives to help Kenya get ready.  He asks about “what’s her face, the one who looks like Arsenio Hall in the chin”, and Kenya laughs because he is speaking about her enemy, Porsha.  Kenya tells him she is coming as BAPS because she is rough around the edges and unpolished.  In the same breath, she frets about her ashy knees, elbows, and feet and her ragged cuticles.  Now who exactly is rough around the edges and unpolished?  Pot.  Kettle.  Black.

Meanwhile, Porsha is trying on BAPS costumes for her friends at the hair salon complete with a fake gold tooth.  She is having fun with it and I think she looks cute, but her non-humorous friends at the salon plant the seed of rebellion by saying about Kenya, “that bitch is trying to play you.” 

Baps-Porsha

Across town, Cynthia is whirling and twirling her Diana Ross looks, while her trusty assistants dressed as Prince and Ike Turner look on with undying approval.  Cynthia ends up looking like, well, Cynthia, and everyone else looks like they are wearing bagged Halloween costumes from Walgreens.

It’s party time and all hell breaks loose, Porsha dumped the BAPS idea and has shown up as Dorothy Dandridge, which sends Kenya completely off the rails.  Dressed as Pam Grier/Foxy Brown, Kenya scolds Porsha for not coming as her assigned character, but still isn’t satisfied.  She has a severe case of “malice content” and she has Porsha and Kordell escorted out by “SECURITY!  SECURITY!”  Funny how Miss Kenya doesn’t seem one bit perturbed by the fact that Kandi’s fiancé, Todd, came dressed down like he was going camping.

Word spreads to Cynthia dressed as Diana Ross and Kandi dressed as a pitiful Tina Turner in a highly flammable wig from the dollar store.  Peter, who is NOT dressed as Billy Dee Williams with a bad attitude, suggests a revolt and they all leave together.  As they mill around outside the venue, Peter tops it off with a good ol’ fashioned “f*ck her and f*ck her party.”

Cynthia calls Nene to give her the low down and Kenya continues to be a seething cauldron of crazy and she comes outside to get into it further with Porsha.  Kenya finally backs down and gives a blanket, fake apology to everyone and goes back to watch her “production”, which looks like a 3rd grade play.  Kenya’s gay husband, Brandon, is left outside to contend with a riled up Kordell, who gets in his face.  I don’t think Kordell realizes he is scrappin’ with a dude who is wearing a sash with a stuffed animal pinned on it, but he sends Brandon inside to retrieve Kenya for a real ass apology.  Kandi and Todd want to stay out of the drama and if this doesn’t settle down soon, Kandi, her cheap wig, and her man are going to Fatburger.

Nene shows up as Grace Jones and she is wearing a snood, carrying a whip, and owning it.  Speaking of owning it, Phaedra arrives in a flurry of shiny black latex and she is looking fierce as Ertha Kitt/Cat Woman.  The gang brings everyone up to speed on the drama and Nene says “there’s a difference between keepin’ it real and keepin’ it real crazy!”  Porsha finally concedes and says she will just “take it for the team” and go back inside without the desired apology.  Phaedra has her stun gun cocked and ready, but Nene has a plan of her own and she orders the party planner to summon Kenya for a “come to Nene” talk.  Nene gives Kenya a lecture about being an asshole, how she shouldn’t burn bridges, Grace Jones was way badder than Foxy Brown, and she’s gonna get her ass kicked if she doesn’t make things right with Porsha.

Porsha isn’t buying Kenya’s shit, but accepts the apology to keep the peace and to stay and watch Kenya “go into debt” putting on this ramshackle disaster of a shit show.  Hey girl, the high road is often a lonely one.

Diva-GroupPic

We wrap up the finale with Kenya introducing the ladies as their characters and we get the brief, post-season five RHATL life of each woman:  As we know Kordell has filed for divorce from Porsha, and that is all Porsha gets.  I’m guessing she will be back next season because she will need the paycheck, I’m sure Kordell the control freak has an ironclad pre-nup.  Phaedra is expecting her second child and she actually knows the due date this time, and she has a pregnancy work out video in the works and there will be no competition, unless Kenya is going to fake a pregnancy too.  Kandi is officially engaged to Todd and her empire keeps on growing.  Cynthia is planning to continue to rip off children another Miss Renaissance Pageant and helping Nene plan her re-nuptials.  As for Nene, she rides in on a chariot and steals the spotlight.  She is awaiting her next big role and Gregg has given her a 15-karat re-engagement ring. 

Nene-Chariot

Finally, we learn that Kenya is dating an African oil tycoon and her work out DVD is allegedly outselling Phaedra’s.  Next week, part one of the reunion with a surprise visit from wigs-n-cigs.