Unnecessary Trouble

Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons.  More on that later…

Kenya is experimenting with online dating.  She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets.  As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale.  Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat.  The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do.  Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old?  You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.”  Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date.  Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!

Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game.  He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park.  He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One.  The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.

In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys.  Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out.  If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration.  Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten.  The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL.  During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him.  That will wear off li’l man…give it time.  He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!

Ayden - Baby

Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty.  They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline.  She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.

Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney.  The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video.  The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.

While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers.  Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board.  The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy.  Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.

Kandi - Video

What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch!  Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!

Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots.  Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.”  I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.

Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good.  Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down.  The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do.  While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime.  Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter.  Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face.  Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats.  As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”

Porsha - yell at don

Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue.  Kenya faces her father.  Kandi and Porsha face off.

Dramatic Departures

Shamea and Porsha are still pathetically trying to play “Never Have I Ever” and it takes a disturbing turn, an admission to receiving a golden shower by Porsha and She by Shereé!  I can’t pour enough bleach into my brain to erase that thought and Kim can’t take it either.  She slinks away to call her hubby and find out if her kids enjoyed their Spaghettio’s.  We all know that phone call wasn’t necessary, what kid doesn’t like Spaghettio’s?!?!

The drunken ends their boat ride and arrives back at the house.  Kandi is rustled from her quiet evening at home, she is tired, pregnant, and get off my lawn cranky.  Rightfully so, her fellow Army of skanks has dragged home a bunch of random strangers to party into the wee hours of the night.  Kandi and Kim have a seat off to the side of the action and Tammy’s nephew, Glen, starts giving Kandi attitude.  He looks like he smells of a hard mix of taco grease and ass cheese.  I don’t know if he’s hammered, high on Miami bath salts, or both…but this dude ain’t right.

Glen - Kandi

The rest of the girls are in the hot tub and try to lure the strange men over to join them.  Porsha is in full-blown, pedal to the metal, nitro-burnin’ THOT mode and she is twerkin’ for Oliver.  They head over to the shallow end of the pool and Oliver goes ass over teakettle and does the splits.  Kim and Kandi hold up their scorecards and give him an 8.5.  Glen continues to get aggressive with the women in the hot tub and Kenya is pissed that he won’t give her the time of day.  Kenya rallies Kandi into her corner, who supports her feelings about Glen and prompts her to call SECURITY, even using air quotes.

Tammy staggers out of the house with another beer and Kenya asks her to address the Glen issue.  Tammy has no problem telling him it’s time to go, but doesn’t appear as if she can remember what she said one nano-second ago.  Kim has whipped out her Prayer Cloth by Phaedra and whispers a “fix it, Jesus” under her breath.  Porsha actually takes a cue and sends Oliver home.  Of course, having Tammy calmly walk Glen and friend out the door would be too sane, so leave it to Kenya to blow open her box o’ crazy.  She starts yelling to him that he has to leave because he made everyone feel uncomfortable.  She by Shereé and Phaedra are shocked and claim they were fine.

Kenya-Security2

Glen charges at Kenya and calls her a “little bitch”, which I am pretty sure is tattooed somewhere on his body.  SECURITY barrels in, full force and effect, AND THEN…holy jumpin’ crap…Glen actually shoves his aunt Tammy out of the way and throws her down on the marble floor, she is knocked out cold!  She by Shereé starts screaming “call an amb-a-lance!”  SECURITY hog ties Glen and sends him out with the rest of the trash.

Tammy - Fall

The ambulance arrives to check out Tammy, and Kandi and Kenya watch from the safety of their bedroom balcony.  Kandi is up Kenya’s ass giving her props for kicking the men out.  The rest of the gang feels that Kenya threw fuel on the fire and handled it poorly, as usual.  Kenya gets a little shitty with Kim, and heck…like her shirt says “Who Gon’ Kick Me, Boo?”  Nobody, that’s who!  Kim packs her shit and bounces to go lose her mind at the nearest Comfort Inn.  The group hashes it out and when Kandi reveals that Glen got aggressive with her, then the rest bunch comes around to Kenya’s corner.

Kim - kick me boo

The next day, Kandi announces her departure to Kenya, who comes bearing breakfast.  Kandi gladly eats the bacon while informing her that she can’t take it anymore either.  Tammy and Glen apparently hopped the gate and came back to the house, like “Children of the Cornrows”.  The ladies made a spoof horror video of Tammy’s return, mocking her as she stood at the door in her hospital gown and socks.  Cynthia is not happy with them, but of course won’t speak up.

Tammy - Returns

In a “the more you know” moment, Phaedra is crying to She by Shereé because she feels Kenya’s actions have shed bad light on yet another African American man who has done nothing wrong.

The more you know

Later everyone boards the party bus from hell for the day outing driving around on mini-Hummers.  Cynthia decides to call Tammy to check on her, she didn’t have a concussion, just bruises, and her voice has been lowered another octave.

That night, Porsha goes on a date with Oliver, and pretends to be sweet and innocent.  She acts all coy when he goes in for a kiss and rebuffs him, but a second later she is twerkin’ on the table in front of him.  She returns to the house at 1:00 a.m. and wakes everyone up to brag about her uneventful date with a man she will likely never see gain.  They all pile into the same bed like best girlfriends and have a good laugh.  Cynthia is glad they had the “do-over” trip and Porsha calls for a “big ol’ hug and a breast bump”.

Back in the ATL, Kim is safe and happy at home and she catches up with her hubby.  Kim doesn’t trust Kenya and her pot stirring, how does she know Kenya won’t wake up at 2:00 a.m. and say “hey Kim, I don’t like the fact that you roller skated in ‘79, I want you gone!”  They reflect on Kenya’s request for professional collaboration, but Kim isn’t putting up with any foolishness unless Kenya is bringing her “Game of Thrones” type material.

Which leads to… the final showdown at the end of the episode.  Kim and Kenya meet for lunch at a place called “Wine and Tap”, which doesn’t have a liquor license and they don’t even have a damn cranberry juice box for Kim.

Kenya confronts Kim about why she left Miami and insinuates that Kim is struggling with her balancing her home life and senseless trips chock full of soul-sucking manufactured drama.  Kim waves a finger and sets her straight, and quick.  Kim said it wasn’t about missing her husband, but rather she did not feel safe, there were behaviors that crossed the line, and Tammy was thrown to the ground by her own nephew and was injured.  “Let me be clear sweetie, when you provoke somebody and accuse them of things, that’s not something I’m going to take part in.”  Kenya tries to backpedal and say that wasn’t how it happened.  Kim knows Kenya will keep justifying her actions and she gives her an “at the end of the day” speech… she didn’t feel safe so she left.  Kenya appreciates the fact that they smoothed it over and they can show mutual respect and agree to disagree, but I don’t see friendship in their future.  Kim assures Kenya that she doesn’t use her family as an excuse to bounce.  Annnnd Kim wins the round!

Kim - kenya talk

Next week…Ayden is ready for kindergarten and tells Phaedra, “I’m always going to be your baby”…SWOON, and Don Juan’s pink panties are in a bunch.

Miami Meltdown

Porsha and Kenya have planned a “re-do” of the Lake Lanier debacle and the wildebeests are Miami bound.  Porsha can’t believe she and Kenya are on such good terms because in the past they have been like “oil and vinegar”.  That’s right…they have been acting like douches.

Speaking of that “not so fresh feeling”, this episode is clearly filler for the big drama that Bravo has been teasing where Kenya calls SECURITY on some unwanted guests.  C’mon Bravo executives, give a blogger something she can use… like some Tyson® Grilled & Ready Chicken Chunks or a Tide To Go Stain Eraser!

The gals are off to get their rabies shots and do a little pre-trip instigating, and by this, I mean Kenya setting up Tammy for a brawl.  Kenya and She by Shereé have assembled at Moore Manor where they lay out the game plan, Tammy is Bob’s “best friend” with benefits, she likes to Velcro braids from the Miley Cyrus collection to her head, and she has a past just like everyone else!  Stage set!

Cheers

The Louis Vuitton luggage is unloaded at the ATL airport and we get a chance to see Tammy’s husband, who is white, preppy, and clean cut.  Of course, Kenya is already eyeing him up.  Cynthia pledges to put her “best foot forward”, pun intended!  Kim is leery about leaving her family for three days.  On the party bus from hell, they decide to work out how rooms will be assigned and Kim suggests it go by “most famous”, but they give Kandi the master suite since she is pregnant.

Porsha sent her minion Shamea “shimmy shimmy cocoa puff” to the venue ahead of time to prep the house prior to the gang’s arrival.  The place is pretty amazing, but I am distracted by Phaedra’s romper.  It looks the used remnant bin at the fabric store threw up all over her body.  While Shamea is busy walking around half nekkid and Phaedra is taking selfies with her ham hock leg up in the air, Kim decides to lay claim to the living room so she can sleep on the rented chaise, watch the big screen television, and have an ocean view.  Tammy invades Kim’s area and Kim quickly realizes she will need to fashion a door out of the bath mat.  In Kenya’s lair, she takes the opportunity to thow shade on Tammy and does an impression of her waddling around swilling a Corona.  Cynthia admits she is quirky and weird, but she prefers that over mean, nasty, and shady as hell.

Kenya wastes no time stirring the pot, she tells She by Shereé that Tammy said nasty things about her and she drops the “gold digger” bomb.  She by Shereé thinks Tammy must be jelly because Tammy’s baby daddy didn’t put a ring on it.

So Jelly

She by Shereé reveals that Tammy and Bob hooked up…well, DUH!

Duh

Shamea finally puts on some clothes and makes a rather horrid choice from the Miley Cyrus collection.  It’s some sort of white dress with neon green overlay that looks like underwear.  Meanwhile, Kandi is ready to go and she is gettin’ cranky because the posse is late for dinner.  Them chicken fingers ain’t gonna eat themselves!

Once at dinner, Kim makes an announcement that she may be roller skatin’ on out because she has never spent more than one day away from her family.  And by gosh, she is just “too famous” for this crowd.

Kenya compliments Tammy on her husband “looking cute”, Tammy refers to him as “CWB”, cute white boy and they have been together 13 years.  She by Shereé casually leans over, as if she is going to say, “pass the chicken finger platter”, but instead she confronts Tammy about the alleged Bob problem between them.  Tammy chokes on her mac-n-cheese and explains that Bob was being portrayed as a deadbeat dad in the press during the messy divorce and She by Shereé doesn’t miss a beat, “have you seen copies of cancelled checks?”  BAM!

Tammy explains she was just being protective of her friend, but leave it to She by Shereé to put her balls on the table and straight up ask Tammy if she was being so protective because she slept with Bob.  Tammy has officially soiled her underpants at this point and she pretends to be appalled by the question.  She by Shereé confirms that Bob mentioned Tammy’s name as one of his conquests.  Tammy says she is not attracted to Bob at all, he is so gross and who would ever want him, oh and she didn’t even realize there would be any drama between her and She by Shereé?  Have ya’ seen the show, Tammy?

Tammy wants to know where She by Shereé heard all this insanity and the finger points right to Kenya.  Kenya back pedals, front pedals, side steps, and twirls.  Kim is appalled that “grown ass women” are talkin’ like this” and she throws out some “food for thought”… “there is a difference between information and instigation.”  Keyna thinks Dr. Kim can stuff it back in her afro and Kim shoots Kenya a look that says “I SEE WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT, BEYOTCH!”  They wind the dinner up and as they board the party bus, Phaedra is using Tammy’s braids as reigns and they are galloping like horses.  HA!

The next day, the group plans to spend the day on a yacht.  As the ladies ready for the outing, Kim and Phaedra discuss the drama from the night before.  Kim feels there’s a better way to discuss things.  Phaedra tells Kim that Kenya is “messy boots” and Kim will learn the hard way.  Meanwhile, Kenya and She by Shereé rehash in their own way, how dare Kim come for Kenya, when Kenya clearly did not send her twirling monkeys for her!  Conclusion drawn:  Kim Fields has no place in this insane HO posse.

Phaedra is dressed in a red cover up that she ran through her Office Max shredding buddy a few too many times.  Alas, Porsha is wearing something similar, they must have hit the “Forever 21” slut section together.

Shredded outfits

Kandi takes a pass on the boat trip due to doctor’s orders for her to stay out of the heat.  WISE MOVE, and Kim probably should have offered to stay behind with her and give her an energizing leg massage.  The ladies board the yacht, get hammered, dance around half nekkid, and SHOCKER… Kim is horrified.  They arrive at a bar to keep drinkin’ up and Kim orders a juice box.  Porsha immediately picks up some rando dudes, because hey…she usually prefers her coffee black, but she can go for some “latin spice”!

Kim goes off by herself to have a melt down and Phaedra swoops in to comfort her.  Kim is struggling to “find herself” and she isn’t fitting in with the group.  Ummm…Kim, NEWSFLASH…that’s a good thing!  Kim would rather be vacationing with her family and she’s not comfortable hanging out with a bunch of slutbags.  I am wondering if Kim has a touch of child star-itis, in that she never cultivated friendships growing up and now she has no clue how to have adult friendship outside of her mate.  Counselor Parks gives her a good ol’ “at the end of the day, it is what it is” speech and notes that she would miss her hubby too if he wasn’t such a reprehensible person with no sense of propriety, decency, or discretion.  Phaedra is giving it her best shot trying to relate to Kim, she really does struggle, y’know, on Father’s Day and ummm…when light bulbs go out around the house.

Kim Crying

Kim appreciates her and Phaedra’s “budding” friendship and they return to the group.  The gang is already eating lunch and they didn’t even make room for Kim and Phaedra, so they have to sit separately… again, not a bad thing.  Tammy has disappeared but resurfaces with her nephew, Glen and his friend Jaron.  Kenya is already eyeballing Glen and they find out that Glen is a wannabe NBA player and he kept the bench warm for the Wizards last season.  Porsha and Shamea invite their additional random strangers back to the house.  Cynthia makes a prudent move and decides it’s time to switch to water, while Porsha has the brilliant idea to play the drinking game, “Never Have I Ever”.  Kenya snaps her fingers at Glen and asks him what his name is again, to which he takes great offense.  I am sure this is the lead up for next week when we hear Kenya wailing…“SECURITY!”

Kung Fu Panda

The only time wearing leggings as pants is acceptable would be when kick fighting.  It gives the kicker a full range of motion to better overtake their opponent.  Thank goodness Cynthia had the foresight to throw on those leggings under her sundress.  She delivers a heel to Porsha’s bread basket and the deck hand and a camera man tackle Porsha down on a lounge chair as she is bucking like a rodeo horse to get loose.  Oh where is Mama Joyce with her Wal-Mart wedgie of death when you need her?!?!  The girls scatter into two groups to even out the weight distribution in the boat.  Kenya is calling SECURITY to get Porsha and Shamea off the boat and on to a dingy to transport the two thugs back to dry land.

Kenya-Security

Kandi and She by Shereé are wondering where Tammy is, only to find her down in the cabin sitting in a drunken stare.  Cynthia calls Papa Smurf, and he agrees to come home to tell her she acted a fool in person.  Kim is visibly shaken by the whole scene and it reaffirms the fact that she is content with her family, her snacks, and her library book!  Hmmm… this is a buzz kill not even She by Top Knot can deal with.

she by top knot

For the next 20 minutes or so, it’s the hash, hash, rehash, justify actions, backpedal, side step… Porsha is all bruised up due to her fight with the “wild ghetto cat” and there is not enough body glitter in the ATL to heal her broken spirit.  Porsha confides in her mother, who delivers a pickup truck bed full of foil-wrapped comfort foods, while WEARING FLESH COLORED LEGGINGS AS PANTS!

Kim and her “Mad Max” hair meet up with Phaedra, and Kim recounts the situation.  Phaedra claims Porsha was cut on her stomach, but Kim verifies that Cynthia had on flats she ordered from Zappos.  Kim gets line of the night “this is being analyzed like the JFK assassination!”  Welcome to RHATL, Kimmie!

Kim - mad max

Kandi treats Don Juan and Cameron to the recap and Don Juan busts out his best impersonations, but ends up sounding more like Mama Joyce.  Kenya vents to her Aunt, who consults her “Iyanla Fix My Life Workbook” and encourages Kenya to get the girls together for another Bravo mandated meal from hell.

Papa Smurf arrives from Charlotte and Cynthia is looking for support, but isn’t getting what she expects.  Peter Thomas, unlikely voice of reason, actually points out to her that if she kicked Porsha she likely hurt her.  He also points out that his bride is likely acting out of her frazzled emotional state, and it has nothing to do with Porsha.  Cynthia freaks out a bit, and not because she was wearing leggings as pants and hideous Crocs, but because she realizes she needs to suck it up and apologize to Porsha.

Kandi needs to deal with her own stomach kicking, so she and Todd visit Dr. Jackie for a checkup.  No big news here except that when Dr. Jackie couldn’t find the heartbeat, Todd found that to be an opportune moment to step out and make a call.  WHAAAAT?

Kandi Checkup

Across town, Counselor Parks has her own agenda – busting out the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine!  Ayden, who is clearly the brains of the operation, comes up with the most brilliant idea ever, which is to put cookies through the crushing machine instead of ice.  This is all I need right here, Ayden should have his own show.

Kenya calls her BFF Cynthia, a.k.a. Kung Fu Panda, to discuss her Bravo mandated Iyanla “Fix My Life” Brunch, which will give Cynthia an opportunity to get back on track with Porsha.  Kenya is actually offering some sound advice for once, she thinks Cynthia and Porsha need to talk as soon as they can and not let it fester.  On brunch from hell day, Kenya has a face to face with Porsha to prep her for the impending confrontation and I’m not sure why we even had to deal with this, other than to preview Kenya’s hideous, billowy, romper-type, flashdance-esque number that looks like she fashioned it from her grandmother’s guest bed dust ruffle.  She looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha takes the opportunity to point out Kenya’s bad behavior on the boat, bringing the negativity, etc.  The two deflect, backpedal, and bust out the electric slide, but then agree to move forward and Porsha agrees to play nice with Cynthia.  Not to mention her Bravo paycheck depends on it.

At the brunch location, everyone is late except for Kandi and Kim.  Kim makes it clear that she is not down with CPT and she has shit to do (that library book ain’t gonna read itself!).  Annnnd I looooovvve how Kandi plays along as if she is always on time!  Haha, that beyotch will be late for her own funeral!  Phaedra isn’t sure why she is at the “unity luncheon”, but she is not one to miss a meal and a good show.  Kenya and Porsha arrive together, fresh off their one on one.  Kim is no-nonsense with the group and lays the cards out on the table and wants to know where Cynthia and Porsha stand and why Cynthia is wearing a shirt with her own picture on it.  Porsha and Cynthia excuse themselves to go take up space in the restaurant to hash it out.  Apparently Cynthia thinks she is starring in “Sex and the City”, she is all prom dress on the bottom, Bailey Agency softball team on top.  How very Carrie Bradshaw.

Carrie Bradshaw

Back at the main brunch table from hell, Kandi calls Kenya out for being guilty of not recognizing her own wrongs, but Kenya let it go because it’s not good karma to fight a pregnant woman.  Meanwhile, Cynthia and Porsha apologize to each other and air-hug it out.  The rest of the gang applauds…annnnd hopefully we never have to talk about this.  Ever.  Again.

Kandi Call Out

Next week, the gang is in Miami, Porsha gets her THOT on, Kim wants no part of the group.  She by Shereé accuses Tammy of sleeping with her ex-hubs, and Kenya calls SECURITY!