Assuming the viewers have a holiday hangover, Bravo aired a real snooze-fest of an episode, except to set up some future drama and establish that Don Juan is thirsty for his own peach, wears pink panties, and tampons. More on that later…
Kenya is experimenting with online dating. She posts a 1982 photo of herself on Tinder and decides to hit the gym in some hideous red leggings with brass button booty pockets. As if she needs to draw attention to that ass, which doesn’t even register on the Kardashian size scale. Marlo “Check my Charges” joins her for the workout and prompts Kenya to accept a date from a fine, albeit much younger, piece of meat. The prospective date doesn’t quite meet Kenya’s lengthy list of qualifications for a mate, but he’ll do. Kenya, need we remind you that you are 45 years old? You are not entitled to lengthy requirements such as “looks like Matthew McConaughey, half-horse/half-man.” Kenya dresses somewhat appropriately to attend the basketball date, but it ruffles her weave and she decides she won’t be accepting a second date. Umm…I’m not sure he even asked!
Cynthia receives some “just because I love you” yellow friendship roses from Papa Smurf, an indication he is really upping his game. He drove all night from Charlotte just to take her on a romantic lunch date in the park. He hired a local artist to sketch them as they ate cold jalapeno poppers and wings with coagulated ranch dip out of a to-go container from Sprorts One. The artist reveals his sketch at the end of the lunch and they both look like possessed evil demons hatched from a boil on Satan’s ass.
In Phaedra land, Apollo’s friend Bun stops by for a visit and he comes bearing gifts for the boys. Phaedra sends the boys on their way to “go play” so that she and Bun can reflect on Apollo’s power drill, bucket-o-hinges, crazy garage freak out. If I heard them correctly, we learn that Bun was a former cellmate of Apollo’s during his first incarceration. Later, Phaedra drives Ayden to his first day of Kindergarten. The kid is too cute for words, he is wearing a bow tie and saying “check please”, as if he is a high-society southern gentleman trying to impress his date at the finest McDonald’s in the ATL. During the car ride to school, Ayden admits he is a bit scared and he is going to miss his mom because he wants her to go everywhere with him. That will wear off li’l man…give it time. He tells her he will always be her baby…SWOON!
Porsha continues to delude herself into thinking that Oliver in Miami wants anything other than a slice of her ham hock booty. They set up a Skype sesh, but all Oliver cares about is seeing down the front of her “house dress”, which is a backless black number with a plunging neckline. She asks Oliver if he’s ready for a relationship, there is a long pause, some crickets chirping, buffalo grunting, and then Oliver’s audio conveniently breaks up.
Kandi has produced a song with a leftover from last season, Demetria McKinney. The two ladies meet with Demetria’s beau, Roger Bobb and he is ready to shoot a music video. The ever-supportive Don Juan voices concerns about Kandi performing in the video due to her weight and age, but then quickly plays the “high-risk pregnancy” card before Kandi thunder punches him in the throat.
While being prepped for the video shoot, Kandi can’t even sit through hair and makeup without an order of chicken fingers. Todd arrives on his hover board to offer support, but we all truly know he just wanted to play with his hover board. The wardrobe team drapes Kandi in a purple mumu to hide her baby bump and she wears thigh boots worn by Rainbow Brite’s understudy. Once they get her on stage and fire up the wind machine, the mumu barely covers her cervix.
What better excuse for a party than the “Unnecessary Trouble” music video launch! Kandi is hoping the party goes well and Todd is hoping Phaedra shows up with a check!
Kim Fields, getting significantly less air play this week, shows up to the launch party in leather hot pants and hooker boots. Kenya throws some shade, “she looked like a confused prostitute at Disney World.” I’m happy to see Kimmy get a li’l wild and branch out from her Mrs. Roper wardrobe collection.
Kandi gives an intro before the video premiere and she discusses pitfalls of mixing friendship and bidness, but Demetria showed up with a check, so they all good. Phaedra interprets this to be a thinly veiled message directed at her and decides to grab Porsha’s drink and slam it down. The crowd goes wild over the lackluster video, but that’s what the extras are paid to do. While Phaedra exits stage left, she congratulates Kandi and asks Todd to stop by her office sometime. Outside, Phaedra vents to Porsha and Shamea, and Porsha becomes more riled up about it than she did when Cynthia delivered a kick to her cooter. Don Juan pretends to hear them gossiping about his “people” and he sidles up and gets in Porsha’s face. Phaedra excuses herself and notes that Don Juan needs to have several seats. As the ladies trail off into the parking lot, Porsha says about Don Juan “go home and change your tampon.”
Next week – Todd and Phaedra finally hash out the money issue. Kenya faces her father. Kandi and Porsha face off.