And Then There Were Two…

It’s been a hectic week and since we all know what has happened, I am going to mix it up a bit.  Our new American Idol is…Phillip Phillips.  I highly suspected he would win, and rightfully so, he stayed true to himself, did his thing, took risks, he was original, and he didn’t rock a pageant gown one time.  I also read yesterday that during his Idol stint, he went through eight surgeries!?!?!  Could this be true?  What a trooper.

On performance night, Dave Matthews won the coin toss and he picks the number two pimp position.  Off we go…

Round One – Simon “Creator of the American Idol Threshing Machine” Fuller Pick:

BB Chez is doomed to sing “I Have Nothing”.  Uggh, I thought Whitney was off limits.  When she hit the refrain where she sang “don’t make me close one more door”, it’s a little rough for me, but it’s a tough song to sing.

Dave Matthews sings “Stand by Me”, he gives a typical Phillip performance and it’s actually a bit boring.  Sorry, not too impressed with round one.

OHRS goes to the judges and JHO calls it “a battle of the opposites”, DAWG has a definite opinion and gives round one to BB Chez.  Steven is ignored by OHRS, which means he is just saving up his canned phrases he learned at Promises, Malibu for round two.

Round Two – Contestants’ Fave:

BB Chez selects “The Prayer” for her favorite moment, and quite frankly I don’t remember her performing this song.  I am really disappointed, I had hoped she would be the scrappy, feisty, little Jessica we fell in love with during auditions.  I am just not into this Celine Dionnie, Whitney, Mariah, pageanty crap over and over.

Dave Matthews reprises “Movin’ Out”.  I do recall this song and it was a descent performance the first time.  We are also treated to another reprise of the blonde saxophone player, but this time on a clarinet.  He delivers another standard/solid performance, the crowd goes bananas.

OHRS defers to Steven for round two and here we go again.  He says “you don’t always have to be a good egg, hatch or go bad.”  HUH?  He says Phillip has hatched some, but Jessica took round two also.  DAWG jumps in with DAWGGED determination that it was a dead heat, while JHO is in Phillip’s corner.  No surprises there.

Round Three – Contestant’s Hand-Crafted Hit in a Can:

BB Chez sings us “Change Nothing” and she does adequately, but the song blows monkey balls.  She is probably the type of contestant that the mental threshing machine known as Idol is looking for.  They can mold her young, impressionable mind into what they want, and spit her out into the world.  Phillip isn’t going to stand for that type of treatment.  DAWG comments that he did not love the song, but felt she made something out of it.  He also comments on how she has her own swag and flavor and was disappointed in the “pop star” performance.  JHO echoes and wants to see more soul and blues quality.  This is exactly what I mean when I say I want to see the scrappy BB Chez we first met.  Steven was not feelin’ it either.  BB Chez sort of, half way admits that she didn’t really like the song either, but of course she will do what the threshing machine gods tell her to do.

Sidebar:  I miss Josh.

Dave Matthews sings “Home”.  It’s more his style and he is accompanied by a marching band, which can only help his case.  It didn’t blow my socks off, but it got a standing O from the judges.  DAWG and Steven kind of looked at each other like “are we gettin’ up?”  DAWG loved it and thought it was perfect, brilliant, genius.  JHO thought it was Phillip Phillips, (thank you Senorita obvious) and Steven thinks he is da’ man.  At least he was original and showed more of himself.

The results show is a two hour and seven minute star-studded finale event, we will hit the highlights and I will grab Revenge from “On Demand” since I missed the first seven minutes due to this Fox scheduling buffoonery.

Phillip did a nice duet with John Fogerty, but I have to say the real spectacle on this results show was the return of Mantasia with…ahem…Fantasia.  At least I think that is what it was.  They had horrendous a scream off to an Elton John song.  Quite frankly, my ears and eyes could have done without her, she sounded like a cat on a waffle iron.  And well…she looked…she looked downright scary.  She had an unbeweavable weave inspired by the “Cher Collection” and she was stuffed into a cat suit like smoked marked-down kielbasa.

We enjoyed a gag reel of Jimmy the snapping turtle calling JHO “Jessica” about 80 zillion times.  He pretends to care, but he doesn’t and he has no intention of ever giving a shit.

The top six ladies sing with Chaka Kahn.  It appears they woke Chaka up from her nap and stuffed her into a chocolate brown onesie.  DAWG and OHRS were rockin’ out and JHO is missing from the judges table, which tells me we are going to have to endure the likes of her in a cat suit too.  OY, a collective OY.  It’s cat suit fever…who wore it best?  I would have to give it to Chaka, at least she didn’t have cutouts on the thighs.

Rhianna showed up to perform, which is good considering she recently blew off her Saturday Night Live dress rehearsal.  Skylar and Reba gave a nice duet and we also got a tour of Steven’s dressing room complete with a sloth.

BB Chez sang “I Will Always Love You”, which allowed DAWG and Steven to enjoy a stolen “bromance” moment.  There was a sorta funny medley inspired by DAWG’s favorite phrase “you could sing the phone book”, where the contestants literally did just that.  There were some lyrics about plastic surgery and bratwurst and Josh had to steal the moment and upstage everyone.

JHO delivered not one, but count ‘em, two songs…oh goodie.  At least she chose to forgo the cat suit and she went with the sequined hammer pants.

Ace Young and Diana DeGarmo were called on stage and Ace proposed to Diana.  Apparently, Diana has turned into a plastic Barbie doll, but she finally speaks and tells OHRS that she is speechless.  Ace gives her the “David Webb” ring, because of course nothing is on this show is done without blatant product placement.  Well played Ace, the American Idol shameless plugging machine has taught you well.  The lovely couple will be back in three years to tell us that “thanks to Huggies, they are having a baby!”

Hollie and Jordin Sparks performed together and all I can say is that Hollie makes Jordin look like an amazon being beamed in by the smoke monster!

The guys gave a shout out to Robin Gibb with a tribute medley and Jessica got a chance to sing with Jennifer Holiday.  At this point, Steven has now disappeared from the judges table, so Aerosmith must be up next.  Jennifer Holiday is amazing, but she looks a little bunny boiling psycho when she sings.

OHRS introduces Aerosmith, which he says he has been waiting two years to do.  Now that they have ironed out their differences and gotten their shit together, the original five are back together.  I wasn’t particularly wild about the first song “Legendary”, but it’s good to see them back in action and rockin’ their “wheelhouse”, as DAWG would say.  Of course, they pull out a classic “Walk This Way” for their second song.  Good for them, I hope the toxic twins can finally put their grievances behind them and continue to perform until they just can’t perform no mo’!

Jessica and Phillip do a final snoozy duet, and OHRS finally announces Phillip as the winner.  He hands him a guitar and Phillp starts to sing us “Home”.  He is in total shock and then the emotion hits him and he can barely sing.  Way to go Phillip.

Well it’s been an adequate season…some good stuff, some boring, some predictable.  And this was probably the most low-key finale we have ever seen.  We will see what the next round in January brings.  Peace, DAWGS!

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The Cheese Stands Alone

We open with Teresa rehashing the events at the pool party and Juicy immediately launches into a rage fueled rant, peppered with f-bombs.  He’s upset that Teresa is even having a conversation with her little bitch of a brother, he tells her he doesn’t want to hear it anymore, and she needs to shut up.  He tells her to keep her family away from him, including her parents, or he will leave her too.  He ices her cupcake with “When I say something, you better f’ing listen”.  Such love…Teresa makes excuses for him and says to the camera “that’s just Joe, he’s a Gemini, we never fight, knock on wood” as she knocks on her head.  Maybe she meant to say “knock on weave”.  Either that or her head is made out of recycled pressboard at best and Gemini is the sign of incomprehensible douchebaggery.

Joe and Richie are working out together and Richie is having a heart to heart with Joe about his family arguments.  Joe feels guilty for calling Teresa an “f’ing bitch” and he contemplates how he will work to improve their relationship.

Lauren and Albert go to the driving range and she complains about her weighty issues and Albert looks at the bright side and says it will be easier for her to lose weight than it will be to teach her to play golf.  Albert confesses to the camera that he was glad she was overweight because he didn’t have to worry about boys while she was growing up.  Ouch.  Caroline says that Lauren is “Albert in a dress” and reveals that Albie took Lauren to the prom.  Oucher.  Sidebar:  Albie looks like a smaller version of Paulie D in the flashback picture.  Lauren is still frustrated with her father’s advice because he has a lap band, which he refers to as his “secret weapon”.  Now that’s just cheating!  And that is foreshadowing…

I’m really getting tired of watching Juicy work out with no shirt on, he does not look good and of course his “winning” Gemini personality is not helping.  Teresa is sitting in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot mess and she calls Jacqueline from her “Fabulicious” phone to discuss the pool party.  Teresa tells her about the fight and says Joe has not contacted her since then.  Jacqueline reminds her about “Field Day” (so many puns, so little time) at her home tomorrow and is worried that it will be awkward.  Teresa will be there, but only if the main event is jamming emotional shivs into each other’s ribs.  Teresa tells her that she and G to the ia will attend, Juicy is taking the rest of the girls to the shore.

Jacqueline goes shopping with Lauren for athletic wear and they enjoy hanging out together because they don’t fight and Jacqueline sees Lauren as a surrogate daughter.  We learn a lot in this little segment, Dr. Perricone tells Lauren that she shouldn’t work out for more than 45 minutes.  Good to know.  Lauren wears a bra to bed.  Good for her.  She wants to get a breast reduction and Jacqueline has done that, twice.  A reduction, and a lift, and there’s no scar.  Interesting.  They both fret about trying things on and Jacqueline isn’t happy with her figure either.

Speaking of breast reduction, G to the ia asks Teresa to take her bra shopping and Teresa feels her up and says there isn’t anything there, to which G to the ia replies “there’s something there you stunod!”  They start talking about tampons and pads and Teresa is shocked that G to the ia even knows about all of this.  Teresa shows her ignorance here, and says she grew up “old school” and she was not allowed to use tampons until after she got married.  OY VEY!  You would think her views on tampons would be more liberal, considering her husband wears one, albeit he has it on backwards most of the time.  All of these girls are pretty advanced for their ages.  G to the ia and Milania are dancing and the little one runs between them and gets knocked over which gives Juicy a big belly laugh.  That’s a-nice.

Teresa whispers to Juicy that G to the ia asked to go bra shopping, as if the poor kid isn’t embarrassed enough.  G to the ia gets involved in a debate with him and tells him it’s none of his beeswax and she gets the line of the night when she says “I think you need a bra!”  Teresa tells her not to be embarrassed and G to the ia gets the second line of the night with “Oh my God mom, you didn’t get boobs until you were 23 years old, that’s why you needed to get a boob job”.  I like her matter of fact-ness.

The Boys II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg are assisting Jacqueline in prepping the libations for field day.  She is concerned about having alcohol in everything, but they insist since they need to be in an altered state around the Giudices and the Gorgas.

Caroline and Lauren arrive and Greg starts giving Lauren shit and offers her a salmon-n-twig milk shake.  Lauren is not amused and starts screaming that she can’t have alcohol and Greg asks her if she is “ridin’ the cotton pony.”  No you stupid bitch, she’s STARVING!  And she’s “old school”, so she is not allowed to ride the cotton pony until she gets married, sheesh!  Caroline is not helping because she is on board with getting lit up before everyone else shows up.  Poor Laruen, this has got to be tough for her to tolerate and she gets no support.

Teresa takes G to the ia to WOB Lingerie to look at some bras.  That must stand for World of Bras.  Teresa fumbles around with her words like a 12 year old boy, she is such a doofus.  The sales woman says that the phrase “training bra” is so 1982.  She explains that G to the ia is on the “petite end” of needing one and there is no specific age, most girls want one when their friends start wearing them.  Teresa keeps laughing and saying stupid shit like “poppin’ out”.  She keeps embarrassing G to the ia, the poor girl is about ready to have a melt down and she keeps telling Teresa “mommmmm…. you’re not funny!”  I keep expecting Teresa to ask the sales girl to pull her finger, she is acting so childish.  We watch G to the ia’s little glittery slippered feet shift around under the fitting room curtain and she finally pulls Teresa into the room.  Teresa tells her this is the first step to becoming a “little woman” and G to the ia gives her a look of disdain.  Teresa should just shut up and be glad that G to the ia wants a bra and not pasties.

Melissa and Joe are headed to the Field Day and Joe has failed at getting the kids ready and he thinks he needs to go to college in order to handle doing what Melissa does.  He shows Melissa the apology text he sent to Teresa after their fight.  Hmm…so Teresa lied to Jacqueline when she said Joe hadn’t reached out.  I smell a fight a brewin’!

Greg goes up to Melissa right away to get the skinny on what went down at the pool party.  Jacqueline overhears Melissa mention the text that Joe sent and now Jacqueline is so confused…there is no confusion, Teresa is a liar.  Jacqueline is starting to see that she is being manipulated.  Jeez Jaq…wake up and smell the restraining order, have you learned nothing from your experience with Danielle Staub???  Teresa the liar and G to the ia arrive and right away Teresa is offended by Melissa’s short shorts.  Kathy arrives with all of her desserts and Christopher says he loves Kathy, he describes her as “porcelain, rainbows, and children’s laughter”.  He also says she reminds him of Caroline, just less testosterone.

Joe tells G to the ia that he will make up with Teresa, but she keeps defending her mom and is clearly convinced that he is the bad guy.  She is too young to realize that her mom is whack-ass wrong in this situation.  Everyone else is having a good time in the bounce house, Melissa does a back flip on the trampoline, and I do have to say, she is about a centimeter away from needing a Bravo modesty patch on her ass.

They pick teams and Sidebar: one of the kids is nicknamed “Ham Linky”.  That’s just funny shit all on its own.  Tug of war is the first event, then they move on to the sack race.  G to the ia accuses the blue team of cheating and she is furious.  They prepare for the three legged race and Joe in his usual disgusting manner says “Three legged race, I can go by myself”.  G to the ia screams at Joe again for cheating and she is absolutely bat shit hysterical at this point.  She has such an adverse reaction to what she thinks is cheating, which I think this is very telling.  Jacqueline and Caroline are trying to talk to G to the ia off of meltdown ledge, but it just exacerbates the situation.  Jacqueline starts reading a book to her about being a bad sport.  Jeezuz Jaq, the Giudice girls don’t like books!  It’s a good thing she didn’t start reading “Cop Without a Badge”.  Teresa would have flipped that f*ckin’ bounce house all the way to Hoboken.  Teresa comes swooping in and allows G to the ia to continue having her meltdown and confronts Jacqueline and Caroline about reprimanding her kid.  When Caroline tries to say they were not reprimanding G to the ia melts down further and says Jacqueline reading to her was torture.  Then, in the same hysterical breath, G to the ia has a moment of clarity, “Everything that you read, I was doing!  Nobody has ever done that to me before!”  What, called your punk ass out on your bad behavior?  Caroline notes that Teresa sent G to the ia a message, no matter how badly she behaved, if she felt hurt, then everyone else is wrong.

Teresa was angry with them for getting involved with her kid, but at the same time, G to the ia should respect Caroline and Jacqueline, especially since Teresa always refers to them as “family”.  Tre has to add insult to injury by saying that she would rather be at the shore with Juicy, but she is trying to be a team player.  I am sure at this point, everyone is wishing that all of the Giudices would have opted out of Field Day.  It’s all fun and games until a highly unstable 10 year old under extremely dysfunctional circumstances unleashes her anger.

Jacqueline tries to explain how she dealt with the same thing when A$$lee was growing up and this opens the door for Teresa to pop off to the camera by saying that she feels bad for A$$lee and insults Jacqueline’s parenting skills.  Awww hell naw…

Jacqueline feels like shit for making G to the ia feel bad, which his classic Jacqueline doormat behavior.  She has a prize, which is a medicine ball sized hunk of provolone cheese, and for throwing the best tantrum, it goes to G to the ia.  Ughh…

Boobs, tampons, cheating, a giant ball of cheese, oh my…next week it looks like we get a nice big helping of Rosie, which will be a fun change of pace.

Good Things Come in Threes

Our final three are ready to perform fresh off of their “Hometown Hero” visits.  First round is judges choice, round two is contestant choice, and round three is none other than our resident snapping turtle, Jimmy Iovine’s, choice.

It is important to note that Randy Jackson looks like a melon ball in his orange sherbet jacket…in case you missed it:

DAWG announces judge’s choice is “I’d Rather Be Blind” for Mantasia.  Oh Mantasia, how I’ve missed that voice, it’s like butta.  But will our judges stand up so early in the show, YES!  JHO is a little slow on the take, but he gets a standing O from all three.  Steven called it “surreal”, JHO yammered on about the difficulty they had picking a song for him.  Uh, JHO have you forgotten?  Josh can sing the phone book and it would sound great.  DAWG wants to see Josh bring his talents to the modern side and give the R&B world a lift.  Would that lift be akin to a palette cleansing sorbet, DAWG?  Sidebar:  There was a Kraft commercial right after this performance that featured the same song…hmmm…coincidence or just another shameless sponsor tie in to the money making threshing machine that American Idol has become?

JHO introduces BB Chez with “My All”.  She loses points right out of the gate just because it’s a Mariah Carey song.  I did not find her to be great, she sounded a little shaky.  DAWG thought it was beautiful and she did a good job even though he agrees, Mariah should be off limits.  JHO gave her the “beautiful, beautiful” treatment, and Steven said people hang on her every note and she should get used to encores.  He tacks on his vote of confidence saying she will be the last one standing.

Dave Matthews is next and Steven announces the pick is “Beggin’”.  JHO is rockin’ out, he puts his own spin on it and I’m glad to see him do something different.  The crowd goes wild and JHO says he is “funny” because he messed with the melody.  Steven utters another phrase he learned at Promises Malibu, “when your face is in the sun, the shadows fall behind you”, and dubs him the modern day “Boss”, a.k.a., the next Springsteen.  DAWG said he is “in the zone”.

Round one concludes with a mixed review by the judges.  JHO is in Phillip’s pocket, DAWG and Steven are both on the fence.

We start round two with Mantasia and he delivers his own choice “Imagine”.  I have to say I prefer the David Archuletta version.  While Josh is always amazing, this was not my favorite performance from him.  Steven thought it was over the top, again.  JHO found it to be more controlled and she went on about his performance and his ability to “dig deep”.  DAWG asked him why he chose the song and Josh said he heard it on the radio at the last minute, and he liked the message of the song.  DAWG also loved the pull back, but we still got a little Josh at the end.

BB Chez takes the stage for round two with “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”.  All I can say is OY, a collective OY.  She is blatantly stroking Steven’s ego at this point because there was nothing great about this performance.  Steven gives her a token standing O and said she made a great song greater.  JHO points out that Steven is hyper-critical of anyone that sings his stuff, (uh not quite so Ms. Ho, shall we flash back to Lauren Alaina?) and DAWG says she is choosing some “tough hills to climb tonight”.  Overall he felt she delivered.  Eh…not so much.

Dave Matthews takes on round two with “Disease”.  It’s a classic Phillip performance, nothing extraordinary, but he gets a little snog from the blonde sax player at the end.  JHO didn’t feel the “wow”, which we need and want right now.  Steven echoes and says he doesn’t have a disease he’s got a bug, “get used to it, because you never will”.  DAWG skips around the bush for a bit and says he didn’t like it either.  He calls it subdued and he can do those things in his sleep.

Sidebar:  DAWG is making me crave some orange sherbet.

Mantasia is up for round three with “No More Drama”.  Josh is bouncing up and down too much, he is giving me a headache.  No standing O this time and DAWG starts out the critique by saying it doesn’t matter what he does, he has laid out everything he has on the stage.  JHO praises his “perfect marriage” of having control and at the same time he lets it go.  Steven called it over the top.

BB Chez gives us her round three with “I’ll Be There”.  Another okay performance and her key change in the middle was a bit odd for me.  I’m not sure what the significance of the amusement park shapes in the background is either, unless that was ordered up by Jimmy to give the feeling of “youth”.  Now if you were really paying attention, you can see Steven whisper to JHO “she changed keys twice”.  Which she did, it was all over the place.  Steven said “don’t bore us get to the chorus”.  JHO said she sounded just like Michael Jackson and DAWG didn’t love it.  He defends his position by saying it’s the end of the comp and we need a Creamsicle moment!

Dave Matthews receives his special beat box delivery from Jimmy for round three and he will sing “We’ve Got Tonight”.  Well this is a bit odd, he sounds and looks so uncomfortable, maybe it’s just me, but this is totally out of his element.  And he is clutching his left thigh for dear life.  Judges are going to either like it or hate it.  DAWG elevates his melon ball self, and Steven and JHO follow suit in the standing O.  DAWG thought it was his best performance on the show ever and he finally had a moment.  JHO thought it was sweet like a lullaby and Steven said he sang like he didn’t give a shit, which is a compliment.

We move on to results and I am just ready to get it over with.  JHO is wearing an abomination in color blocking and Steven is sporting the sorbet shades tonight.  Sorry JHO, it looked better on the runway…trust.

 

We start out with all three contestants already on the stools of death.  I guess technically they are the bottom three.  I don’t know why we tool around with this crap, OHRS is going to drag this out for 60 minutes we will never get back.

He summons Mantasia center stage to reflect on his performance and we get Jimmy’s reaction.  Jimmy felt round one was very good, but not his best.  It was not only not worth a standing O, but Jimmy was laying down at the time.  He felt round two was over blown and round three was missing something and Jimmy takes responsibility for song choice without melody.

We are treated to a performance by Lisa Marie Presley, which is altogether a bit dark and strange, when did she go goth?  Oh well, I’m freaked out by the performance and the fact that she was married to Michael Jackson.  Gotta give her small props, she works that miniature tambourine like nobody’s bidness.

BB Chez is called to the stage next to receive her critique.  Jimmy did not think round one came together and wasn’t enough to win.  Round two didn’t wow him either and round three was a bit of a bummer because she had to change key to sing the Michael and Jermaine parts.  There is something about Jessica that is missing for me, in the audition rounds she seemed a lot more scrappy and feisty.  She was a bit too subdued.

We are treated to a performance by Adam Lambert, who is a perfect example of how some of the losers of this competition turn out to be more successful than the winners.  Glad you’re still rockin’ it out and doin’ it your way!

Dave Matthews prepares for his Jimmy-lashing.  Jimmy enjoyed round one, but summed it up with “no harm, no foul”, which isn’t exactly a booming review.  Round two was a “snooze fest”, and he sums up round three by saying Phillip won the night.

The final three stand before the judges and OHRS asks for final words.  DAWG of course says they are the best ever, big careers in front of them.  JHO…journey… heartbreaking… connected… moment… talented… toss up.  Steven loves them all and is so proud that they have the courage to have a dream, “and if you don’t have a dream, then you can’t make a dream come true”.  WTF kinda crackerpot self-help books is he reading?

BB Chez and Phillp are the final two and my poor Josh is getting da’ boot, what the crap?!?!  He sings us out and it’s game on for the other two.  Farewell, our sweet Josh…

So who will take the competition?  Will Phillip be able to carry on without his partner in bromance?  Next week Idol is airing on Tuesday, I don’t know why they feel the need to change the scheduling now, but I guess we should all get used to it, because we never will.

Splash and Burn

Everybody is rehashing the Summer Solstice party, and why not…did you expect anything less?  Richie wants Kathy to be done with Teresa, but Kathy doesn’t want to abandon Teresa completely because she’s family.  Richie uses an analogy and compares cutting off Teresa to cutting off a cancerous arm.  While he has a good point, leave it to Kathy to abide by Bravo wishes, and set the stage for this excruciatingly boring episode invite everyone to a pool party.

Caroline and Albert are rehashing in the car and Albert calls Teresa’s gold digger comment “antagonistic”.  Caroline tells the camera that Teresa’s problem is that Melissa “exists” and she is a “better, younger version of you”.  We have known that is the problem, but I think we are all overlooking the critical underlying issue…Teresa’s creepy jealousy of her brother’s marriage.

Juicy is practicing his butt pummeling ass clown moves kick boxing and he exhausts himself after three punches.  He retreats up to the bedroom and announces that he needs to “take a dumper”.  Ah…yes, a good ol’ dumper, just the visual we need.  Teresa begins to tell him about the “solsist” party complete with a bizarre impression of Melissa and stomping feet.  Apparently Teresa thinks Melissa walks like Frankenstein.  The real scene stealer here is Juicy, who is sitting in some sort of weird stretching machine contraption, complete with a wheel that allows him to crank his legs apart.  Eww…gross.

Teresa continues to yammer on, her biggest talent.  She drops down to fit in a few push-ups while she is at it.  Juicy is sick of it and sums it up by calling Melissa a gold digging tramp, Joe is a little bitch named Josephine, Caroline is boring, Rosie is a butchie boy, and Kathy, her idiot cousin, looks like a frog.  He tells Teresa, all she needs is him, the powerhouse.  Yeah well you’re a Juicy jag bag!

The next day, Teresa arrives at Jacqueline’s to work out.  Jacqueline decides to tell her that she felt put on the spot at the party and Teresa starts with her usual bullshit.  Jacqueline is trying to break it down, but she quickly becomes exhausted by it.  Apparently, these two need to revisit their friendship contract, we need Cynthia from Atlanta up in here.  Jolene the trainer arrives just in time.  I got a real kick out of Jolene the trainer, she is in worse shape than Teresa and Jacqueline…and she carries a bottle of Sutter Home in her purse and has her pants on inside out.  Are we sure this is not A$$lee’s trainer?  Unfortunately, this joke of a personal training sesh is cut short by Teresa receiving a phone call from Kathy and Jacqueline is thoroughly annoyed.

The Boyz II Manzos go to the Jaguar dealership to look at a “bitch magnet” for themselves and Lauren is excited about the air conditioning in the seats blowing up her skirt.  They think Mama Manzo is going to be a bit pissed about the $80K they are spending on the car.  Caroline and Albert arrive at the dealership and she can’t believe they are even entertaining this.  She is all worked up and then Albert surprises her by saying that the car is actually an anniversary present for her, then all of the sudden, it’s okay to spend crazy ass money on the car!

Kathy and Richie are getting ready for the party, but Caroline and Jacqueline have cancelled, and Victoria and Joseph’s friends are not showing up.  Richie confesses that he told the kids to not invite their friends since Teresa is coming.  He doesn’t want them to be embarrassed and lose respect of their friends.  Good call Richie, good call.  Meanwhile, Kathy is totally pissed because she made a bunch of macaroni and potato salad, even lemon ice, and now there is nobody there to enjoy it.  Whaddayagonnado?

Jacqueline is skyping with A$$lee and Jacqueline admits she misses her a bit.  A$$lee doesn’t look like much has changed and she says she isn’t in a good mood because she had to get up at 9:00 a.m.  A$$lee’s dad will be taking her from Vegas to Texas soon, hopefully for a good ol’ fashioned Texas A$$ whoopin’!

Melissa and Joe are headed to the Wakile’s and Melissa is stressed about seeing Teresa.  Teresa arrives in a gold lame dress lookin’ like a mixture of MC Hammer and Mrs. Roper.  Rosie offers Teresa a fine selection of drinks, but she wants a frozen margarita as if she is ordering at a bar.  Melissa throws a jab and says “I’m drinking sangria, I’m not high maintenance”.  Teresa says she will be the bigger person instead of saying “you’re so stoopid”, like she wants to.  Rosie decides they need a little excitement up in here and decides to do a cannonball, but it’s more like a belly flop.

Caroline and Albert arrive at their little apartment above the Brownstone to have a rendezvous and celebrate their anniversary.  They reminisce about old times when they lived there their first few years of marriage.  It was in that very apartment that Albert held Albie in the palm of his hand and Albie peed into his face, right between the eyes.  Memories…

Back at the lamest pool party ever, Kathy is trying to start the drama by prodding Teresa to go talk to Joe and Melissa.  Richie is in Joe’s ear and tells him to consider family therapy, but Joe doesn’t believe in that.  Audriana and Antonia have similar swimming suits and again Teresa starts up about Melissa copying her.  If she really thinks that Melissa bought her daughter a swim suit to copy off of Teresa’s child, then this bitch is really screwier than a loose meat sandwich. 

Joe and G to the ia are hanging out and he laments that he and Teresa are so messed up.  He decides to take Teresa aside and chat, she sits down and comments on how good and “buff” he looks.  Hell, a hefty bag full of pudding looks buff next to that hobgoblin of a Mucinex slug she married.  Joe tells her he doesn’t want to argue and Teresa breaks down in tears and says she can’t take it anymore.  She will never tell him anything again and she says she lost her brother.  Joe tells her to think it over and if she doesn’t want a relationship she should just say so and he can move on.  She wants her old Joe back, before he got married.  She thinks Joe changed and if he thinks she has changed, it’s only because he changed.  Sheesh, arguing with her is like playing that game “Whack a Mole”.  She is all over the place.

She keeps derailing the conversation and Joe wants her to accept that she was wrong and be a sister to him and be “normal”.  Joe needs to accept that this bat shit crazy bitch will never be remotely “normal”.  They start scrappin’ about the kids and Teresa says G to the ia hated Melissa, “and kids, you know, they have good intuitions”.  She says he is the meanest brother ever and Joe says he is an angel from God.  Aye aye, I think they both had too much sangria.  Everybody knows the meanest brother ever is Albie who said Lauren’s children will look like koala bears!

They keep arguing and meanwhile, Melissa is wrapping Teresa’s girls in towels and taking care of them.  Joe finally gets fed up with Teresa’s irrelevant and combative conversation, swears at her, and walks away.  Meanwhile, Kathy is wandering around aimlessly screaming “who is going to eat all of this potato salad?”

A Fine Bromance

Judges are dressed particularly mis-matched this week and DAWG in the midst of a plaid explosion.  JHO is in a sequiny hombre number and Steven all white.  JHO and Steven are sporting up-dos that I could do without.  OHRS emerges down the Hasbro’s slippery steps and his girlfriend is in the audience tonight, so OHRS will be on his best behavior.

The top four take the stage wearing outfits that are equally as heinous as DAWG’s.  Round one is called “California Dreamin’”, meaning any song from any band or singer from or song about California.  Translation:  Pick a Song, Any Song.  Round two is songs the contestants wish they had written or songs that inspire them.  Translation:  Contestant’s Choice if not talked out of it by Jimmy Iovine.

Dave Matthews is up first and we rehash his journey and the 1,000 faces of Phillip Phillips.  During round one, he wants to know “Have You Ever Seen the Rain?”.  The blonde saxophone player has, she is back and I guarantee that is all Steven has his eye on.  I actually enjoyed his upbeat performance incorporated with his own style.  Steven says he is “living proof that the road to success is always under construction”.  Phillip announces he has cotton-mouth because he is nervous, it had nothing to do with is medicinal marijuana [I kid…I kid].  DAWG said it was rough in the beginning, but then he found the pitch and he was right on the money.

Later in the show, Philip kicks off the “inspiration” round with “Volcano”.  Jimmy says he is in a different place this week and the “butterfly” has come out.  He delivers a unique, solid performance.  Steven says he could listen to it over and over and he heard the musician in Phillip this time.  JHO said very few could have pulled that off and it is a testament to who he is.  She said it was one of the most beautiful, poignant moments a contestant has ever had.  It is painfully evident, that she doesn’t know what to say.  There are others who have pulled that off and there have been more beautiful, poignant moments.  DAWG says “so yo, that’s what’s up right there”, he felt it was one of his best performances the whole season.

Hollie is up next and we relive her rejection from last season and how far she has come this season.  While that is all fine and good, I just don’t see her winning.  She will perform power ballad “Faithfully”.  Another big song that has the potential to sound like a hot ass Celine Dion mess.  She’s off to a slow start, but she has the wind machine on her side.  It doesn’t really work for me, I think she has fallen flat.  DAWG says she is still “peaking at the right time”.  I don’t get it.  JHO is crying.  I don’t get it.  DAWG name drops again and reminds us how he was in the band Journey.  We get it DAWG, but those glory days are over.  JHO was touched by how much Hollie has grown.  Steven says she made her creativity bloom.  I don’t know, I guess I am expecting more at this point, or maybe I have given up on Hollie since I am fairly certain it is curtains for her this week.

Hollie knows she can’t make us love her in round two with her boring and unmoving version of “I Can’t Make You Love Me”.  Again, she picks a big song that I don’t think she can really connect with.  It’s very 8th grade talent competition for me and she kept her eyes closed through most of it.  Let’s see what the judges think, she sorta looks like she knows she blew ass.  Steven said she fell short and gave her a “sorry baby.”  JHO said you have to go through some stuff before you can sing songs like this, she should have sang it to America, she also gives her a “sorry baby.”  DAWG said the song gave her nowhere to go.

Mantasia is back and he is dedicating his song to his father, “You Raise Me Up”.  We journey back to his rejection in season 10 and DAWG told him to come back and “slay the whole thing”, which I think he may do.  Josh delivers an effortless performance and he is literally raised up, the stage lifts up and Josh is towering above his choir.  He comes down long enough to accept his props.  JHO starts and ends up bragging that she predicted the final four, she loved the “draaaama” and advised him to stay consistent to the end.  Steven said he sang his little tush off and DAWG liked that he brought Groban to church and called him amazing with a ginourmous career ahead.

Next, Josh lays it down with “It’s a Man’s World”.  Jimmy brags about how he got to watch James Brown record the song and after rehearsal, he tells Josh to save his voice and to “give me a call if you need anything”.  Josh chuckles and says “I ain’t got yo’ phone number.”  Proves how good Josh is, he has Jimmy Iovine stammering like a school girl.  Josh is f*ing killin’ it and we get a shot of the judges and they are all totally lost in this performance.  Annnd…wait for it…standing O.  The first performance seemed a lot more restrained and Josh couldn’t really move around and stink up the stage.  But son of a motherless goat, this boy just laid it the f*ck down!  Steven said he sang with “compassion”, but I think he meant “passion”.  He says “I can go home right now”, meaning his job as a judge is done.  Hell yeah, shut the front door!  JHO said that we thought we had seen everything Josh had to give, but we hadn’t.  She starts speaking in Spanish tongues and calls it “sickening”.  DAWG said it is one of the best performances in the history of any singing show.  JHO said she went to church and DAWG said they “got religion”.  The funny thing is, Josh is completely cool and collected, like it’s just second nature to him.  Hey Josh, we gotch yo’ number…mmm hmm…

BB Chez takes us down memory lane with some of her home videos of her singing.  We understand Jessica, all you have ever done, and all you ever want to do is sing.  You have been working hard your whole life, all 16 years of it.  We get it BB, but girl you got a lotta livin’ to do.  She takes on “Steal Away”, she does a pretty good job, it’s bluesy so Steven will love it.  JHO was happy to see that she started growling at seven years old and calls her “one of the best”.  Steven loved it and said she nailed it and DAWG loved the whole vibe of it, she can sing the phone book.

For round two, Jessica is telling us with “And I’m Telling You”.  For some reason, after Josh’s second performance, I am so not in the mood to listen to her.  Jimmy said if the judges and audience see what he saw in rehearsals, it could be “game over”.  She does well, pours all her emotion into it, she gets a standing O and Steven says “tell me how you really feel.”  Well I for one really feel like Jessica’s dress is an experiment in color blocking gone horribly wrong.  JHO says there isn’t anything left to say and Jessica is very emotional.  DAWG says that Jessica, Josh, and Phillip are really in it to win it.  He calls her “phenomenal”.  Somewhere backstage, little Hollie is feeling about 1” tall.

And now, Crappy Duets, presented by Coca Cola:

Mantasia and Dave Matthews pair up to sing “This Love” by Maroon 5.  It’s totally karaoke and the cheese factor is at an all time high.  They have the dueling ebony and ivory pianos going on too.  It’s just bad.  Steven calls it perfect, JHO compares it to Usher and Adam Levine coming together, and DAWG liked when Josh went up and when Phillip did the “uh uh uh”, then he started speaking in tongues.  I did not care for it.  But I do care for OHRS saying to DAWG “when I look at you in that jacket, I want to buy an ice cream.”

Hollie and BB Chez perform “Eternal Flame”.  They literally come out swinging as they are both suspended from the ceiling in swings.  They actually sound pretty good together at times, but in other parts they are outshining one another.  DAWG said it was a little strange for him and he didn’t like it, thought it was weird.  Josh and Phillip break the tension by jumping into the swings.  JHO didn’t think it was that bad and Steven said they have turned into their favorite swingers.  OHRS points out that power couple, “Jillop” is the new Hollywood bromance.

We are treated to a shameless plug for Adam Shankman’s new musical “Rock of Ages”, which also stars Julianne Hough, which explains why she is in the audience.  Adam says that Tom Cruise is in the movie and he “sang his assless chaps off in the movie”.  OHRS pretends like he is going to ask Julienne to marry him, but he produces a prop note he wants her to give to Tom Cruise.  I bet the note says “Dear Tom, you are tinier than me.  Love, Peaches”.

It’s decision time and judges come out and it’s like a fake red carpet with fake fans behind velvet ropes.  OHRS burns up valuable live air time saying hello to the fake fans, we are ready for results already!  OHRS is not revealing any results tonight, he is just calling the contestants up one by one and reflecting on Jimmy’s feedback:

Phillip – We know he will be safe, so I don’t know why OHRS is wasting more time.  Jimmy was happy with his performance overall and said he would have signed him if he saw him in a club on a cold night.  Hmm…as opposed to a warm night?

Hollie – Jimmy feels she is peaking in the wrong direction and she crashed and burned on the Bonnie Raitt song.  Agreed.

Mantasia – Jimmy felt that the first performance was too full on gospel.  However, Jimmy was captivated by the second song, it was magic.  WORD TO YO’ MAMA!

BB Chez – Jimmy says the growling trick is getting old, but the second performance was flawless.  He says that Tommy Matola contacted him and said he would attend Jessica’s first concert.  Jimmy admits he knew Scotty would win last year, but he is clueless on this year’s final.

It wouldn’t be Idol without another shameless plug of a sucky song and a bump-n-grind with JHO and her ghost boy.  She performs “Dance Again” and she is dressed in a bedazzled unitard and she is clearly lip synching.  This is a family show, JHO, put your naughty bits away!  Jeezus, first Xtina forgot to put on her pants two weeks in a row on “The Voice”…et tu…JHO?  At the end her boy toy Casper the ghost picks confetti out of her weave and she says “he’s so cute”.  Vomiting.  In.  My.  Mouth.  Well at least our down to earth judge JHO isn’t too self-indulgent…

Finally, OHRS lowers the boom.  Our final three are BB Chez, Mantasia, and Dave Matthews.  Little Hollie is heading home and I think she knew it based on her reaction.  Her bestie Josh cries off his guyliner while Hollie sings us out like a little champ.

Bad CHI

We live in a world where Teresa Giudice is on two, count ‘em, two shows in one night.  Before we get back to the shore with the Giudice family, we got to witness Teresa being fired by Donald Trump on the Celebrity Apprentice.  It was particularly entertaining to watch Teresa get schooled by Lisa Lampanelli during a negotiation for hair models to represent the new touch screen hair dryer made by CHI.  Teresa’s presentation to CHI executive Farouk Shami was an abomination, she could barely read her cue cards and ultimately her team lost.  Let’s face it, Teresa was a real disappointment on the Trump show, she was hardly the source of any drama, she was constantly tongue tied and making no sense, and she couldn’t negotiate her way out of a paper bag.  However, tonight she is back in her element, buckle up.

Juicy is doing pull ups on a bar in a doorway, presumably to firm up those flappy moobs.  What I wouldn’t give to see that bar snap and watch him tumble to the floor like a sack of creamed corn.  Jacqueline and Chris arrive and Juicy takes a grab at Chris’ nuts.  What is it with him and grabbing other men’s junk?  Jacqueline helps Teresa finish her makeup so she can be all raccooned up for the boat ride.  She bitches to Jacqueline about the “In Touch” magazine article, but all Jacqueline can get out of it is that she is profiting from peoples pity.  Teresa rehashes the convo she had with Joe about the gold digger comment, which blows Jacqueline’s Botoxed face back a bit.

We check in at the Manzo’s where Lauren is working on her diet and tells Mama Manzo that her hair looks like a “big rag dog”.  Whatever that means.  Caroline calls her mood “wicked”, but that’s how dieting women are.  They’re bitchy because they are hungry.  Poor Lauren talks about how she needs to be rich too.  Chances are she will never be happy with anything and she keeps wishing she could be more like the Boys II Manzos.

Back at the shore, Rosie is on hand to watch the kids while the rest of the adults go out on the boat ride.  She suggests a li’l sip o’ wine to calm the kids down.  Richie gets line of the night so far when he cracks a joke about the boat.  He asks if it belongs to the Giudices, because he doesn’t want to be out at sea and then Sea Tow shows up to repo the boat.  Teresa tells Kathy in Italian not to bring up jail but Kathy is equally as confused as Jacqueline is.  They don’t understand why Teresa will spill her story to the magazines, but she won’t confide in her family.  Meanwhile, back on dry land, G to the ia tells all the kids to take the bikes and scooters out front to play in street.  Brilliant idea that may send Rosie into cardiac arrest.

The ladies catch up on the boat ride and Melissa is keeping Jacqueline at arm’s length because she is team Teresa.  Jacqueline must have drank too much wine because she starts dishing about Caroline going through menopause.  Oy Jacqueline, loose lips sink ships, literally.  Teresa immediately concludes that is why Caroline is treating her poorly.  Somewhere Mama Manzo is ready to jump through her television set.

Rosie is still baby wrangling and we get a very cute moment from Milania and Antonia sharing girl talk in the bathroom.  Milania apparently has to “go poo poo all the time.”  After that comment, Antonia gives her an “EWWW” and then a bit of the TMI cold shoulder.  Milania cries to Rosie that Antonia doesn’t want to be her friend anymore, but Rosie has them hug it out.  Later, Milania is in a closet doing pull ups on the bar and G to the ia screams “WHAT ARE YOU DOING” in a heinous voice from hell.  Wonder where they learned that behavior?  These girls will be picking out stripper names by their 16th birthdays.  Rosie is totally drained and steps outside to puff on a Newport.

Back at sea, Teresa is still spinning the truth and is blaming Caroline’s behavior on the menopause.  Melissa tries to volley back by pointing out that Caroline is a no nonsense person.  Jacqueline tries to soften the convo and again feeds, pets, and grooms Teresa’s delusion.  Jacqueline is to Teresa what Cynthia is to Nene.  Jeezuz Jaq, grow some balls so Juicy can grab ‘em.  Out of nowhere, Juicy brings up the black eye and Teresa and Kathy get into it.  Finally, Kathy tells her to just punch Richie and they will be even.

Lauren and Vito are making dinner and we are treated to an appearance by Albert Manzo, although he is stirring up the shit pot by commenting that Lauren and Vito’s kids will be able to beat up Christopher and Albie’s kids, implying they will be big.  Albie says Lauren’s kids will look like koala bears that can’t control their arms and they will breathe heavy.  Dumb move pissing off the woman cooking your food.  Lauren says she would rather have ugly kids than douchey ones like her brothers children will be.  Tru dat!

Remember the ham game?  I wish the Manzo children would go back to the literal game where they are hurling cold cuts, instead of this new figurative version.  It just ain’t nice.  And shame on Boyz II Manzos for not being more supportive of Lauren.  Karma is a bitch and if Albie and Christopher don’t snap to, they will end up with moobs like the Juice man.

Jacqueline is taking photos of everyone on the boat and Melissa senses Jacqueline is feeling the pressure of being Teresa’s friend.  Back at the ranch, Rosie is making good progress with her plastic Solo cup and half gallon of Carlo Rossi.  The parents finally arrive back and Rosie is ready to hit the scotch, serious scotch.

Jacqueline and her psychic, Tia, are hosting a summer solstice party so they can rid themselves of bad energy.  Jacqueline and Melissa arrive at Caroline’s to go over to the party together.  The talk starts up about the Teresa and Joe issues and the magazine article.  Caroline hears about the gold digger comment for the first time and Jacqueline is totally uncomfortable.  Jacqueline is having a hard time because she is afraid to say anything to Teresa and Mama Manzo bottom lines it…Teresa is bullying her.  She is also willing to destroy Melissa and Joe’s family to get Melissa out of her life.

Teresa is en route to the “solicit” party as she calls it, with Kim “D”.  We have the makings of a Posche Fight 2.0.  Teresa fills Kim in on her side of the gold digger comment and Kim is all up in her corner and tells her to “make light of it you’re good at that”.  Yeah, everything is a joke to Teresa.  Tia the psychic is on hand to greet everyone with a bindi for their forehead, a flute player, and winged fairy greeters.  The greeters will fasten the bindi’s to the guests foreheads in order to open up the third eye chakra.  Oy vey, I think evil eye is more fitting for this group.  Caroline says she sees enough shit she doesn’t need no stinking third eye.  Rosie is sweating bindis and she decides, “F*ck it”.  She puts on her brass knuckles and pulls Teresa aside to confront her about the gold digger comment and Teresa thinks the whole thing is being blown out of proportion.  Really Tre, you have no issue discussing it with everyone you meet.  Maybe Teresa’s next defense will be that she was misunderstood, Melissa is a soul digga, not a gold digga, silly!

Teresa holds her ground with brass knuckle Rosie, but Rosie ain’t havin’ it.  They end up agreeing to disagree, but Rosie defends Melissa and tells Tre that everyone should just shut up.  Teresa keeps waving her hands around and touching Rosie, which she may want to curb because Rosie could f*ck her shit up faster than Trump can say “you’re fired.”

They finally air kiss-n-hug it out.  Tre immediately puts Jacqueline in the hot seat and asks if she told Caroline and Melissa about the comment.  Jacqueline deflects and tells her to ask them herself.  She can’t take it anymore and is about to have a meltdown.  Jacqueline tells Melissa to talk to Teresa and Caroline again points out the bullying going on.

Kathy says the party is turning into an ol’ game of telephone, which it is.  Melissa sits down to speak with Teresa and she starts in about Joe not calling while Juicy was “away”.  Melissa starts to explain why he didn’t call and as soon as she says the word “jail”, it lights the fuse on Teresa’s tampon.  That word is her kryptonite.  She can’t handle the TRUT!  Melissa doesn’t see what the issue is, “going away…jail”.  “To-ma-to…To-mah-to”.  Kathy explains that saying someone “went away” instead of “went to jail” is Jerseyite protocol to protect the family and it shows respect.  ERRR (sound of record scratching), it happens often enough that there are actually “rules” for this?

Kim D. runs after Teresa and Tia follows.  Tia is also trying to talk Tre off the ledge, then Jacqueline runs out to try to diffuse the situation and she takes the blame.  Melissa, Kathy, and Caroline continue to discuss the meltdown and our little Lauren steals the moment “If you say anything she doesn’t want to hear you have to suck on her asshole first then she’ll listen.”

Teresa twists the conversation to take the focus off of her and she brought up other various inane things such as the text war between Joe and Juicy.  The crazy train is completely off the rails at this point.  Jacqueline is in the middle of a hot Tre shit sandwich.  Jacqueline gets Melissa to come out and fight in the parking lot with Teresa some more.  Get ready for some full blown bindi brawlin’.  I really don’t know what keeps Melissa from cold coking her right in the nose.  So bottom line is Tre is mad that Joe started shit by saying he heard Juicy was cheating on Tre.   Yea, cuz’ every woman wants a piece o’ dis:

When Teresa told Joe that Melissa might cheat on him, all of the sudden Joe felt the shit talk was not okay.  She didn’t stir up crap with the Juice man when Joe implied he was cheating, but Joe told Melissa about the comment Teresa made.  I guess if Teresa is mad that Joe confided in his wife, she should take it up with him.  I am not really sure what Teresa expects.  That’s the difference between a healthy marriage and a sick one.  Joe and Melissa are a team and Tre and Juicy are not.  Melissa totally goes off on her and I have to hand it to her, she took the bully down.  Teresa just keeps stumbling over her words and she is too stupid to even realize she is losing this fight and looks like a damn foo.  She starts arguing with Melissa about gift giving for the kids and tells Melissa that Juicy throws her presents away, just like those damn sprinkle cookies.  Teresa just keeps digging her hole.  Melissa demands an apology she will never get and tells Tre to stay out of her and Joe’s marriage.  Teresa is more misguided than a drunken game of “Chutes and Ladders”.  She keeps whirling like a dervish and decides to walk way and Melissa calls her a coward.  She whirls back around spouts more bull shit and then Melissa walks away.  Tre tries to drag Rosie back in and she won’t go for it.  More insults are hurled, I can’t take Teresa anymore, she’s bunny boiling psycho.  I know everyone was waiting for her to flip her car and scream “PROSTITUTION HOOAH!”, but that didn’t happen.

Here’s the million dollar question:  Wouldn’t Tia the psychic have known this get together would turn out badly?  Not much of a psychic if you ask me!  Wah wah…

Peaking Duck

Steven Van Zandt is the mentor this week for our top five who will be singing songs from the 60’s and British pop artists.  For all practical purposes, we will refer to Steven Van Zandt as “Silvio”, his character name from The Sopranos, so we don’t confuse our Stevens.

For round one, little Hollie has chosen “River Deep, Mountain High”.  Silvio tells her that she is a bit too people pleasing and she needs to act like she doesn’t care what anyone thinks.  I think she did a great job, but it’s a little too late for her to save herself.  Steven dives in and says he enjoyed it, “thank you Lord!”  JHO could feel her attacking the song and DAWG loved it too and said “dude you wore it out!”  OHRS comments that she is “settling in”, but it really is too late in the competition to just now be finding her “wheelhouse”.

For round two, she performs “Bleeding Love”.  This could be tough for her because she is likely to fall into her Celine Dion trap…aaannnnndddd, she does.  I think this could be her last week.  Steven loved it but admits he doesn’t know the song.  JHO loved the runs and called it amazing.  DAWG points out that it was a big song to take on, which it was, he called her the “dark horse” and said she is peaking at the right time, but I still think she is a day late and a dollar short.

Dave Matthews is up next with “The Letter” and he has changed up the version.  Jimmy and Silvio argued a bit and Jimmy is concerned about the key change in the song.  Phillip goes with it the way he wants to, as usual.  DAWG dives on it first and says he loves it, the show is down to the wire, and he loved the way he made it his own and “vibed it up”.  JHO doesn’t know these old-timey songs.  If he had kept the melody, I am sure she would have recognized it.  Steven missed the melody too, but said he got away with it “like the Stones got away with it”.  He also said Phillip waves his “freak flag, so well”.  Sidebar:  OHRS revealed that Phillip has a girlfriend and she was in the audience.  There go all of his tween girl votes.

For round two he chooses “Time of the Season”.  He gives a rather mellow performance and you know he only chose the song because he wanted to sing “who’s your daddy” to JHO.  DAWG liked the melody, but he’s not jumping up and down (thank God).  JHO gave him the token “good job” and Steven echoed.  Wahh wahh!

Skylar attempts to “Knock on Wood”, but the song wasn’t working for the mentors, so they switched her up to “Fortunate Son”.  Jimmy says she needs to put a “jet pack on” for this performance.  She is definitely lively and JHO uses her phrase of the night “you attack every single song”.  Steven enjoyed the “boot scoot” and gave it an overall “fabulous”.  DAWG says she was born to be on stage.

For round two she sings “You Don’t Have to Say You Love Me”.  Silvio and Jimmy hope she can give it her country flair.  She does a nice job, judges are happy.  DAWG says she’s peaking at the right time and he is transfixed.  JHO knows she wants to win and admired her composure during the performance after her high energy in round one.  Steven loved it as well says more proof it works when you work it.

BB Chez takes on “Proud Mary”, but Silvio advises her against it because he hates the song, but she did a good job in rehearsal.  Her dancing is lacking and all she is doing is tiptoeing around the stage in super high heels and a dress the size of an air mail stamp.  Wardrobe department over did it because she really can’t even move.  The judges are yakking for a bit too long after the performance.  JHO goes first and basically says she thought she would miss Elise, but Jessica filled the void.  BURN!  Steven said she gave Elise’s experience a run for the money.  DAWG was in a different place and called it “barely okay”.  JHO intervenes and gives him a “WHATEVER”, but DAWG holds his ground and says it pales in comparison to Tina Turner’s version.  Well duh…

“You are So Beautiful” is her round two pick and Jimmy worries it will be too loungey or reminiscent of Muzak.  So to lessen the cheese factor, the Fox intern lit 50 candles and placed a barefoot Jessica in the middle, sort of like a stage centerpiece.  It was totally pageanty and she feigns some emotion at the end.  Steven tells her she’s gonna be number one.  JHO said it reminded her of the Whitney performance and she captivated the audience.  DAWG said she’s at the top of the leader board, as if he is on Dancing With the Stars.

Mantasia “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” us to love him.  Jimmy is ready to sign him to a record deal and says he has a gift.  Josh delivers a solid perf and Steven calls him one of the top two Idol contestants of all time, although he was distracted by the background dancers and the sleeves on Josh’s jacket.  JHO calls him “sick” and DAWG said he could bring back R & B like Terrence Trent Darby.  I’m not so sure about that comparison, but props to Josh.

Round two brings us “Love Somebody”.  Josh was not sure about the song, so he left for 15 minutes and came back to deliver what Silvio said was one of the greatest performances he’s ever heard in his life.  In true Josh fashion he is awesome.  I do like his howly growl and he gets the first and only standing O of the night.  DAWG is blown away, he can’t believe Josh delivered something he never heard before with such passion.  “No matter what goes down”, says DAWG, “Josh is one of the best singers on the show ever”.  JHO says he is the best that she has seen in 50 years, uhh…JHO you haven’t been alive that long.  Steven echoes their sentiments and they are all in awe.

Mantasia and Dave Matthews provided us with the awkward moment of the night, sponsored by Coca Cola.  It was a duet performance of “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’”.  Phillip looks like a sleepy sea turtle and overall the song makes me want to take a nap.  It’s like an 8th grade talent show and Phillip puts his arm around Joshua at the end, and Josh has lost the lovin’ feelin’, because he pushes him away and laughs.  Now that Colton is gone, who will hold sweet Phillip in the night?  I guess this performance is more of an exhibition rather than a competition, so they don’t take it too seriously.  Steven is bummed that they didn’t embrace and calls them a “match made in heaven”.  JHO felt the fear and DAWG thought it came alive once they let go.  A fine bromance indeed…

Hollie, Skylar, and BB Chez gave us “Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher”.  They did a nice job, but nobody wants to comment.  Steven said it was a weird arrangement, JHO called it “cute”, and DAWG said it was okay.

On to the results…Mantasia is called up first, but it doesn’t take a Philadelphia Lawyer to know he is safe.  Jimmy comments that his performance is hard to beat and on the second song “the sky opened up”.  Josh is so quiet and subdued when he talks to OHRS.  It’s so different from his stage performances.  It’s odd, but who cares, he is safe.

Hollie and Dave Matthews face their fate next.  Jimmy liked Hollie’s approach and felt she was more believable. Jimmy thinks Phillip was bland and has been coasting, I would concur.  Jimmy did give him props for staying strong despite the fact that he is not feeling 110%, but he still thinks it’s curtains for him.  OHRS pretends to throw Phillip’s chewed gum at Jimmy,, but it doesn’t matter because it is Hollie going to the stools of death and Phillip is safe.

Skylar and BB Chez are up next and Jimmy says Skylar is a fighter, but the people sitting on the bench during her performance were too corny.  The whole people as props thing did not work.  Jimmy thought Jessica was beautiful on the Joe Cocker song but her Tina Turner was a travesty.  He felt the styling was too burlesque.  JHO comments the dress was too tight and if the queen of camel toe is saying that, you know it’s a problem.  Jessica is ridin’ down a rainbow on a unicorn and Skylar faces the stools.

DAWG says both of the bottom two sang their faces off, JHO said the show was amazing and losing anyone is tough. Steven comments that the top five has never been better.  Skylar is going home and the judges are stunned.  I am a bit surprised too, Even though Hollie “peaked” this week, I thought she was the sitting duck, about to be picked off.  As JHO’s eyeliner runs, we reflect on Skylar’s journey, but something tells me this is just the start for this little firecracker!

Know When to Fold ‘Em

We re-join Franklin Lakes with a crying Asslee melting down because she is off to the airport and she can’t find anything and she just shoved a bunch of random outfits in her suitcase.  It’s Vegas…random outfits ought to do it, just don’t forget the clear heals and your portable stripper pole.  Jacqueline doesn’t seem fazed by her whining, and rightfully so.  Albie arrives to take her to the airport and Jacqueline hopes it will soften the blow.

Caroline and Lauren go to visit Dr. Perricone (as seen on Oprah!)  Lauren needs to find a solution to her weighty issues.  He gives her a plastic jar of egg whites and tells her she can eat that with berries and some artificial chocolate powder.  The poor girl is gonna crash and burn.  We will find Lauren in her closet in about a week eating 10 large pizzas.  It reminds me of that SNL skit about the “Gap Girls”.  Chris Farley was eating all the french fries and David Spade said “save some for us” and Chris grabs him by the neck and says in a deep voice “Lay off me, I’m starving!”

Juicy and Teresa go to their pizza parlor, which is now totally defunct.  They stand there while Juicy waxes philosophical about why it didn’t work out.  He blames circumstances, his suspended license, jail time, so on and so on.  Teresa then waxes philosophical about how he was “driving under suspic…no suspended, driving under suspended” and it’s really just a “life learning lesson.”  Yes Teresa, that’s it, life and dem dang learnin’ lessons!  Teresa is just thrilled because now the Mucinex slug will be home with the family more often.  Juicy claims that he had to get rid of the pizza place, but let’s face it, it went out of business.  If at first you don’t succeed, demolish the gas station across the street and build a senior citizen community.  Try, try again!  What else does Juicy have in his bag o’ talents?  If all else fails, he could always join Cirque du Soleil, after all he can do the splits!

Richie and Joseph are enjoying a car ride and a lecture about his dismal future.  The Wakile’s want him to achieve greatness, so they go poke around an Exxon Mobil mart so Joseph can see how a business runs.  See, gas stations are full of them life learnin’ lessons.

Asslee and Albie are on the way to the airport and Asslee waxes philosophical about how she wishes she was 21 so she could drink, but she proudly says that she has taken a straw to some NyQuil.  Should have kept that to yourself, Asslee.  Albie believes that Asslee thinks she is Ke$ha, she has the music playing in her head, she thinks a limo is going to pull up and shopping bags will be flying everywhere.  Good call Albie, much better than the Carrie Bradshaw comparison Asslee gave herself last season.

A$$lee misses her flight and Chris has more faith that his toddler CJ or Santino the dog could have made the flight.  Albie walks in to the Laurita kitchen and drops the news on Jacqueline and she stops rolling her meatballs dead in her tracks.  The rest of the gang arrives and poor Lauren is teetering on the edge surrounded by all of the food.  A$$lee enters and brings the festivities to a halt.  She announces she had the worst day and in one of the best moments of the show, (so far), Chris tells her “You know why you had the worst day?  Because you don’t have any common sense.”  A$$lee gets this look on her face like she can’t believe he would say that to her.  Chris is going to hand deliver her to the plane the next day.  Sidebar:  You gotta love Chris, he almost has that creepy/scary Christopher Walken way about him.  He says things so plainly and frankly, yet you know he means bidness, fish in the newspaper, horsehead in your bed, bidness.

Teresa and Juicy arrive to ruin the evening further.  Teresa can sense they have been talking about her, wow…props to you captain obvious.  Richie is complimenting Jacqueline on the meatballs and they joke about frying them.  Teresa decides to hold a press conference right there in the kitchen and give a blanket repology (yes, she said “repology”) to anyone who took offense to what was printed in the cookbook.  She can’t just leave well enough alone and she starts up about all the wonderful things she wrote about Joe in her first book.  He stares at her like she has four heads.  Melissa jumps in, and in a masterstroke of bitchery, says “we’ll take one for the team so you can make a little extra cash, it’s fine.”  Teresa is clueless to the fact that it was a dig and she bee bops on with her little life as if all is well.

The men go down to the man cave to play poker and Richie comments on Juicy’s various careers that he was so successful at and concludes that he is best at being “the good year blimp because he’s so full of hot air.”  Apparently there was an off-camera scuttle butt during the poker game.  There was a dispute about height between Juicy and Joe, somehow Juicy decided to grab Richie’s balls…hmmm…brings new meaning to the phrase “Texas Hold ‘Em”.  Apparently Juicy came up “short-handed” and Richie body slammed him and they wrestled on the couch and an iron candlestick fell and hit Juicy in the face and ended up with a black eye and a bloody nose.  Maybe they were playing Clue, it was Richie, in the man cave, with the candlestick.  I cannot even believe there was no footage of this.

The Wakile’s have a good laugh about the incident, but they have bigger fish to fry.  That’s right…Sexting, the dreaded Sexting fish.  Kathy is able to monitor the kids twitter accounts and finds out that Joseph has become a real chick-magnet and a random girl twatted Joseph some raunchy pictures.  Kathy is stunned that there are crotches in cyberspace.  She e-mails the girl back to tell her to knock it off, but Richie thinks she should respond by saying “hold that thought for three more years.”

Teresa runs off to a book signing while Juicy stays home playing Mr. Mom.  Milania is yelling at G to the ia, “Why are you cooking?  You’re not a cooker, you’re a hooker!”  Okay, the kid is funny and has a lot of detention to look forward to.  Wow, just wow.  In the midst of all of this Audriana is bleeding and Juicy says “she’ll be ok” and doesn’t even look at her.  G to the ia wipes the blood off of her knee as the Boyz II Manzos arrive for dinner.  They discuss the poker brawl and Juicy’s suspended license.  Meanwhile, Teresa is at her book signing and her adoring fan, Sheeba, is asking about all of Teresa’s personal issues.  Teresa is taken aback by her fan asking personal questions, it’s not like Teresa aired her dirty all over to “In Touch” or “People” magazine!

Melissa has made Joe a special dinner and plans to surprise him by playing the new  ballad she wrote for him.  It’s called “How Many Times…Dear Joe”.  She plays it for him and he gets the JHO goosies and starts crying.  I am thinking how many times are we going to have to hear this song?  How many times, many times, many times, on display, on display, on display, each and every day, every day, every day?  Make it stop.

Juicy continues to attempt to berate Joe by showing the Boyz II Manzos a newspaper article about Joe not paying people and getting sued.  Juicy Joe waxes philosophical about karma and how he has survived the worst of the worst.  Christopher tells us that he used to love drunk Juicy Joe.  He would say ridiculous things like “God has the best brain, and den dere’s me!”  Then he would just pass out and the Boyz II Manzos would throw ham at him.  God that sounds like the Best.  Game.  Ever.

We wind down the episode with Chris taking A$$lee off to the airport for the second, and hopefully, last time.  A$$lee is still bitching, but she took some Xanax to ease her imaginary fear of flying.  Chris tells her if the plane crashes, to put her head between her legs and kiss her ass goodbye.  Well said hunky, yet scary, step-dad, well said.