Can I Get an A-MEN!?!?

The semi-finalist men are in the hot seat tonight and the judges enter prepared to give critique, tears, standing O’s, and hopefully safe wardrobe choices.  JHO appears to be fully clothed tonight.  I saw the areola slip on the Oscars Sunday night, thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but anyhoo…OHRS shows off the new stage, introduces the band, all while wearing a three piece suit without a tie…hmmm…odd choice.

DAWG is sporting a button down shirt with a collar so high and stiff, it almost looks like one of those cones they put around a DAWG’S neck to keep it from licking wounds.  OHRS also takes note of at JHO’s Sunday night wardrobe malfunction, but that couldn’t be avoided.  Steven is a little low key this evening, but that is probably because the girls have the night off.

Each finalist can choose any song they want and they were allowed to take a trip home with a camera to show us more about them and get some inspiration.  Reed Grimm takes a trip back to Wisconsin and he talks about cheese and changing his two niece’s dirty diapers.  All that inspiration and he comes up with “Moves Like Jagger”?  He performs a slower version of the song, adding his attempt at a Maroon 5-ey touch, but it’s a grim attempt.  Sorry, can’t help the grim jokes.  He goes a little Sheila E. on his li’l bastard drum kit, loses his mic pac, and manages to sound like a bad Holiday Inn Express lounge act.  DAWG likens him to Casey, JHO likes the Grimm jazzy spin on the tune, and Steven liked the shuffle in his step.  Sidebar:  Seriously wardrobe department, why would you put that vest on OHRS?

Adam Brock a.k.a. White Chocolate returned home to cook a gourmet dinner for his friends, play the piano, and spend some time with his family, and adorable dog I might add.  He pounds out a mellow version of “Think”, Steven likes his nickname, JHO likes the big finish, DAWG likes the 70’s throwback vibe and the Pittsburgh pride.  Good lookin’ out…

Deandre Brackensick a.k.a. Milli Vanilli returned to California to show off his sister, who is also a singer and probably a future contestant.  “Reasons” is his song of choice and it gives me reasons to have hope.  He has a very unique sound and the judges go wild, JHO calls his voice perfect, DAWG calls him very commercial and unique.

Colton “I’m not here to audition” Dixon is up next and he returned to Tennessee to gloat visit his family and get inspired.  He sings “Decode” and plays the piano for a bit and then attempts to rock it out like he’s Adam Lambert.  JHO looks concerned, worried, afraid…I am not a fan of Colton or the skunk living in his hair.  DAWG is happy he is back and loves the variety Colton showed, JHO wants to see more of his heart, Steven is happy to finally see his talent.

Jeremy Rosado is up next and is the first to sit on the stools of death with OHRS and chat about his song.  Jeremy has been nicknamed the “spirit stick” of the group and we get to see his quick visit to Florida to seek inspiration.  We see Jeremy in action at the germ clinic and we see the “Gravity” of the situation, thus inspiring his song choice.  Jeremy is the first to make use of the Hasbro’s Slippery Steps, he descends down to the stage with his softer side   He hits the high note and JHO and Steven go to the waterskiing squirrel happy place.  OHRS reflects on their “melting faces”, Steven called it beautiful and commended him on his big heart, JHO calls him “Jer-Bear” and says he is blessed by God, DAWG introduces Jeremy to America, reinforcing the fact that the fans don’t know who he is.  Either way, DAWG loves Jer-Bear’s “crazy sangin’!”

OHRS asks Steven how he is doing and he says he is “as confused as a baby in a topless bar.”  Wha, wha, whaaa?  He talks about JHO daring him to take his pants off and dive in the LaReve plasma pool and now JHO is “out pressing” him and then he fakes a sneeze and opens his shirt to expose his moob.  DAWG is still confused about the baby in the topless bar comment…me too DAWG.  JHO makes a last cry to the camera “there was no nipple!”  Right JHO, we know, it was your areola.

Sidebar:  OHRS is out growing that little vest as the show progresses, and Stevens Nip…in case you missed it:

Good Lord, enough of this nip-foolery…Aaron Marcellus is up next after his visit to New York where he teaches vocal and dance lessons.  He sings “Never Can Say Goodbye” and it doesn’t look like we will say goodbye.  He has a lot of control over his voice and shows a good range, JHO and Steven are rockin’ out and he gets the first standing O of the night.  DAWG calls his run CRAZY, JHO says “boy can sing”, and Steven says he’s the “whole package”.

Country Crooner Chase Likens is up next.  He takes a trip to West Virginia to show us his humble abode.  He has a penchant for whistling, horses, and singing “Storm Warning”.  He works the crowd and JHO is diggin’ it, Steven needs his bi-focals to focus.  Chase looks like someone, Steven thinks it’s Brendan Fraser.  JHO looks forward to seeing more, DAWG says he has range, skills, and good looks like DAWG and Steven.  Chase must be fairly tall because he makes OHRS look Lilliputian.

Crouton Fraker returns to New York to show us his garden apartment and runs around the city acting showing us his “True Colors”.  He is definitely not afraid to let his freak flag fly.  JHO calls it beautiful and it expressed his individuality, Steven called it stupendous, DAWG doesn’t know how they are going to lose half the guys after tonight.

Dave Matthews Phillip Phillips is up next and derives his inspiration from his home in Georgia.  “In the Air Tonight” is his pick and you can tell he is a Dave Matthews knock off because his stitching is sloppy, slanted, and uneven, and he came from a flea market.  I am a bit unsure if his style will be adaptable to what this competition throws at him.  JHO said the judges were talking about him and he is the one to watch, Steven says he hit his stride, DAWG agrees with me about the Dave Matthews thing and wants him to stick with the melodies more.  OHRS asks Philips boss and father what he thought “I told him to the best he could, do it every time he does it, and that’s what he tries to do, and you can tell it.”  “Well said”, quips OHRS.

Eben Frankewitz from Ohio shows us he is outgoing, funny, and does his chores.  He plans to “Set Fire to the Rain”, which I have to say is a ballzy move.  Oh Eben, Eben, Eben…Newsies called, they need you back on the set.  DAWG is straining to enjoy it and calls him “mad young” and cool and collected.  It wasn’t all perfect, flat notes, but he held it together.  JHO was impressed with him and Steven called his voice “true and straight”, advised he listen to some blues records and “shake it off a bit.”  Uggh…Steven…don’t forget the lotion and Kleenex.  I just sickened myself.

Hey Jun makes a visit to New York to find some inspiration and he gets his mom to do a little happy dance on camera.  He plans to melt hearts with “Angels”.  Wardrobe has put him in a little vest as well, they must have been on sale in the dollar bin at Goodwill.  JHO didn’t think the song showed his voice off very well, “but there’s no denying you can blow”.  Steven and DAWG agree.  OHRS and Hey Jun look like twins in their vests.  How cute…

Joshua Ledet takes the stage next and OHRS reveals his nickname is “Mantasia”.  Ok, cool…we’ll go with dat!  Josh goes back to Louisiana to make a smoothie and from that we have “You Pulled Me Through”, a J-Hud hit.  Hey, a good smoothie always pulls me through too.  JHO stares with thoughtful intent, Steven rocks side to side like a mental patient, DAWG is lovin’ it, pumpin’ that diva hand.  Second standing O of the night, Mantasia is a man to watch!  DAWG asks if we can get an “AMEN” up in here, JHO is somewhat speechless and says she wants to punch him…err?  Steven says he is the voice the world has been waiting to hear, as he strokes the bird living in his hair.  Well DAWG…you can get an AMEN up in here…that was the performance of the night!

The judges bring back gentle giant, Jermaine Jones, to round out the baker’s dozen, however the poor sap doesn’t stand a chance after that last performance.  Jermaine is also sporting a vest and a bow tie and has a go at “Dance With My Father”.  Judges give him the third standing O of the night.  DAWG is excited about his baritone voice, JHO and Steven call him beautiful.

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Judgment Daze

It is final judgment night on AI and hopefully I can cobble together something resembling an entertaining recap.  I’m not going to lie, my good readers…it’s been a struggle with this incredibly boring season so far.  The contestants are still in Las Vegas and the remaining 42 contestants had to sing one last time on the “La Reve” stage for the judges before we pare down to the top 24.  It’s go time and the judges will need to accept or reject each contestant while sitting above the bubbling, smoky plasma pool.  Can JHO survive?  Can Steven and DAWG find the right words to console her?  Who will be left in the deadly pool of plasma, never to be heard from again?  So many questions…only three agonizing hours that I will never get back…

One of my early favorites, Jen Hirsh is up in the hot seat first.  We get a quick flashback to her time with Idol and her final solo performance.  Her performance was a bit sketchy, so nerves abound.  DAWG waits so long to tell her, she is about to cry, but he finally breaks his stony silence and tells her she made it.  Even Steven gripes that he strung it out too long.  Big score for the girls, Jen is going places.

Creighton Fraker takes the walk of doom to learn of his fate.  He’s a bit quirky, not one of my top picks, let’s see if he’s a DAWG-DO or a DAWG-DON’T…but wait he has this goofy backstory, he found out his birth father was the lead singer for an 80’s hair band called Flotsam and Jetsam.  What are the freakin’ odds?  Don’t answer that…JHO gives him a schpeel that even I am not paying attention to, but Creighton Crouton made the cut.  And let’s face it, he is like a crouton, you get half way through your salad and you realize…you forgot the croutons, and you think “aww…screw it”!  Translation:  Forgettable.  This crouton does nothing for me:

Lauren Gray, another early stand out, takes a moment to reflect with OHRS in the Coca Cola Lounge of Dreams.  She hopes to get through to fulfill her own and her father’s dreams that he was never able to realize.  Pegi Blu rode her like a cheap freakin’ suit during the auditions and got Lauren up to par.  Her voice is smokier than the waters pumping out the blurple fog beneath her.  DAWG says, you’re like family, more difficult for you, inside your own head, wanna talk about that a bit?  What is this DAWG therapy, get to the point already!  Holy ballz, she did not make the cut.  Damn, minus one for the girls.  In a rare moment of sincerity, OHRS says he really hopes she will come back, but after tasting the bitter pill of rejection, our Little Lauren is not so sure.

Joshua Ledet is heading into the torture chamber.  DAWG launches into this thing about the best singers that don’t make it, blah, blah, blah…Joshua made it.  He wails an “Amen” and a “Hallelujah”.

Blaire Sieber and Naomi Gilles are given DAWG-DON’TS and are sent walkin’.  I guess that is okay considering I didn’t recognize or remember either one of them.  As our beloved Simon would say “forgettable.”

Hayley Johnsen hits the hot seat and she discusses how much confidence she has gained in herself.  DAWG keys in on that and Steven delivers the good news.

Neco Starr has tried to appeal to JHO throughout the auditions, but will she remain faithful, or will she turn on him like a rabid DAWG…he doesn’t make it and JHO explains he is still a “Starr”, he just needs more work.

Clayton Farhat also accepts his fate, as he didn’t make the cut.  River St. James has also shown growth, but not quite enough.  Caleb Johnson totally botches his final audition, almost painful to watch.

Elise Testone is ready to hear the good word.  She’s sultry, she’s edgy, she’s in!  Score another heavy hitter for the ladies.

Reed Grimm and all of his squirrelly quirkiness is up next.  They show some old video of Reed as a child performing, but will this lifelong performer make it to the Idol stage???  DAWG calls him “mad talented” and he is through.

Erica Van Pelt delivered her final performance and fell a little flat.  JHO gives her a critique and points out that her performance was difficult, but they have taken into account her body of work and they give her a chance.

Chelsea Sorrell takes her seat in front of the judges and she is a bundle of nerves.  They drag it out and Steven tells her she already knows the answer, she is going through.

Her country pal Baylie Brown is up for judgment next.  Baylie auditioned five years ago and she has been significantly better, but her final performance was a bit weak.  Steven comments on her lack of consistency, but she is going through.

Richie “the Cowboy” Law is on the chopping block and we are treated to a flashback of him laying down his own laws and clashing with other contestants.  DAWG drops the bomb that he didn’t make it, but offers him encouragement to come back and try again.  HeeJun is having party inside his own head.

HeeJun Han sits with OHRS in the Coca Cola pressure cooker lounge.  HeeJun is sweatin’ it and OHRS asks what exactly he is sweatin’ and HeeJun says “uh…mostly water.”  If anything, keep this kid around for his sense of humor.  Love me some HeeJun, and he’s not a bad singer either.  He says if he makes it he will hug and kiss JHO and that is “every Asian man’s dream right there”.  Really, so Asian men fancy a sassy Puerto Rican?  Hmm…learn somethin’ new every day.  Steven tells him he is more of a star than a singer, but delivers the good news and he will now be known as HeyJun, as he walks off to the song “Hey Jude”.

Jessica Sanchez is up next and OHRS tells her to “get it girl”, I have a feeling she will because she can really sing.  We see her entire final performance, Steven makes the waterskiing squirrel face, and she makes it.  I would have been shocked if she didn’t, she really stood out in the group round.  Another big score for the girls, but she is only 16 and could fall into the Thia Megia trap.

Phil Phillips reflects on his extremely stressful experience during Hollywood week.  Will he make it or will it be back to a life at the local pawn shop?  DAWG is draggin’ it out a bit, but JHO ain’t in the mood and she tells him he’s in.

Colton Dixon faces the wrath of the judges next.  Will his continual upstaging of his sister be rewarded?  Will the skunk living in his hair make it through the pressure?  He dedicates his final audition performance “Fix You” to his sister Schylar.  Well Colton, you could maybe fix her if you would have just let her have her moment.  I kid…I kid…DAWG delivers the good news.  Colton finally made it and Schylar is proud of him.

Brielle Von Hugel, the girl with the momager from hell, is up next.  While momager yammers on to OHRS about her spray tan in a can, Brielle re-treads her way back to the judges, trying to make it again this year.  I am not too keen on her diva ways, but what will our Diva DAWG say?  Steven does most of the yammering and tells her she is in.  Meanwhile, her momager is still yammering on to OHRS, now about her outfit.  Really?  Like he gives a shit about your plebian ways.

Adam Brock faces his fate next and he is totally nerve-wracked.  He needs to channel his inner Diana Ross and stay calm.  I happen to dig him and hope the judges give him a chance.  He arrives on the hot seat with his lucky hanky, and it’s a good thing because he is quite emotional.  He sums up his entire existence in what he terms three words “I have to sing.”  Okay, so Adam said “hafta”, so he isn’t a math or an English whiz, but the boy can blow.  Steven delivers the good news and Adam falls to the floor in a slobbering ball of mess.  Major score for the boys.

Jeremy Rosado takes the march of death next, although we are shown his entire final performance, so I would guess he’s through.  JHO gives him a shpeel about how supportive he has been to his fellow contestants.  DAWG keeps peppering his commentary through out her speech… “cheerin’ ‘em on”, “good dude”, “big heart”.  He gets through with flying colors.  Score another for the boys.

Shannon Magrane gave JHO “goosies” during her final audition, and I am sure she’s a shoe-in.  Meanwhile, out in the holding room, OHRS reflects with Shannon’s parents on the totally inappropriate comment Steven made about Shannon.  Her dad says “everyone told me to ring his neck”, but he and his wife actually found it quite funny.  She is through, she jumps out of her chair and shakes off the nerves.  If it doesn’t work out she could always try out for America’s Next Top Model, she certainly has the height.

Scott Dangerfield is another re-tread that is returning after having to drop out last year.  I have no recollection of this kid whatsoever and I am not real keen on his shaggy do hair, it’s a shaggy don’t.  JHO is a fan of his, but it wasn’t enough for this year.  He walks off somberly muttering “it is what it is.”  Yes it is Scott.

A few more dreams are shattered and other contestants are having a lot of self-doubt, including Skylar Laine.  She is another very strong girl, sounds just like Reba McEntire, but is there room for another country female?  DAWG admires her consistency, Steven wants to Rock-N-Rollify her, and Skylar is through and promises to bring Steven some deer meat.

Hallie Day, Chase Likens, and another re-tread Aaron Marcellus all make it through as well.

Deandre “Milli Vanilli” Brackensick hits the hot seat next.  We are shown his final audition where he sings “This Woman’s Work”, which is one of my favorite songs, and JHO says she was dying to hear him sing that song since she heard his voice.  This is also his second time around and JHO has seen his growth and they ask him to stay.

Jermaine Jones is up for his moment of truth next, but he’s not really my cup of tea.  He performs his final audition in an argyle sweater vest without any shirt underneath, which is really rather odd.  But whatevs, it’s not Project Runway here.  His confidence is crumbling as he sobs into a tissue in the holding room.  This could be the kicker, the judges really want singers who believe in themselves and Jermaine is on a slippery slope.  DAWG notes his inconsistencies and says he needs more work, Jermaine is sent home to keep working on himself.  This rejection takes a toll on the judges and JHO tears up, but not enough to ruin her lashes.

Shelby Tweten, Ariel Sprague, and Hollie Cavanaugh face the judges together.  Steven announces that only Hollie made it through.  In keeping with the “rejecting in groups” theme, David Leathers Jr. a.k.a. Mr. Steal Your Girl and Eban Franckewitz march down the smoky, scary catwalk together.  JHO tells them only one is going through and it’s Eban.  David is crushed and DAWG tries to give him a pep talk.  As David sulks his way out, Eban skips out behind him gleefully.

DAWG says “it’s a wrap” and JHO says “I’m glad that sh!t’s over” as the AI censor button covers her mouth.  Well, I concur JHO, but wait…the shocking twist we were teased with throughout the last hour.  The judges are going to give someone a second chance and bring back a 13th boy.  It will be Jermaine, Cowboy, Johnny JHO Boy Toy, or David Leathers.  Oh and next week, Idol will be on three nights.  I really don’t know if I am ready for this type of commitment.

I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted.  The night would not be complete without Seven proceeding to strip down to his Fruit of the Loons and dive into the “La Reve” plasma pool.  Gotta give him props, he’s not ashamed of how he looks…moobs, rather feminine calves, saggin’ junk, and all.  In case you missed it…

The Black Baby Elephant in the Room

The ladies settle in for a nice dinner and they reflect on the orphanage visit and it was the best part of the trip.  They were so amazed at how the items they brought made the people so happy, toilet paper, soap, towels…the basics.  They are all realizing how good they have it and they are very blessed, and then…the insufferable Marlo starts demanding a waiter because her food isn’t up to her standards.  She just blows…really.

Phaedra reflects on how silly their squabbles are and Cynthia agrees to remind them of this orphanage visit when the kerfuffle starts.  The ladies toast to unity among them and giving.  I give it two days before something inane erupts.

Next stop is a museum because after all, Phaedra is responsible for raising their cultural awareness.  She says “when you know better, you do better.”  Someone’s been watching Oprah!  Trouble is, these ladies don’t know better.  That’s the bottom line.

The ladies are brought outside to sit with a sangoma, which is an “herbalist”.  No, not “hip artist” ladies.  He is having the ladies smell a jar of his “medicine”.  My guess is that it smells like a cross between Fritos and rotten bologna.  Whatever it is, it makes Nene’s eyes water and she says is smells like pee, of course Phaedra refuses to smell it.  Thank God there is no smell-o-vision.

He tells them he can throw some bones and tell them about their problems.  The women are totally freaked out, but all he has is a bag of shells.  He starts making strange noises and then he tells Kandi that she is going to marry the man she lives with.  When she explains that her former fiancée is no longer alive, he tells her he is with her everywhere.  He tells Marlo that she needs to find a “real man” that loves her.  He tells She by Shereé she won’t get married again because she is too old.  He has Nene blow on the shells and he takes them for a spin.  He says she is not happy, well NO SHIT.  We didn’t need to fly all the way to Africa and sit with a witch doctor to figure that out.  In fact, they could have gone to Miami to visit Mama Elsa…another self-proclaimed witch that can see into people’s lives:

Back to the witch doctor in Africa…he tells Nene that her husband is a good man, but if she isn’t happy she can’t stay.  He says Cynthia is happily married.  Nene starts to argue with the witch doctor about her happiness, and well, that seems like something you just don’t do.  If she was really happy, she shouldn’t have to argue with a witch doctor about it.  I’m jus’ sayin’…

Nene and Marlo invited the other girls over to their room and they have set out all of their shoes and bags like it’s a boutique.  Phaedra counts 29 pairs of shoes that they brought with them.  She by Shereé is a bit put off by the fact that they brought all this excess with them.  The ladies drink a bunch and start the dirty talkin’.  She by Shereé wants nothing to do with it, but then gets roped into it and Cynthia is thrilled that everyone is bonding.  Nothing like a good ol’ tea bagging conversation to bring these skanks together.  Kandi decides to take the floor and address Marlo and questions if they are even getting to know the real Marlo, or is she really just another haggard label whore.  Nene jumps all over it and Kandi “goes there” and says how Nene used to bitch about Kim and her labels.  Marlo has a fit and starts screaming about it and how she loves fashion.  She loves her labels like cooked food, honey!  Cynthia reminds her to use her indoor irrational skank voice and Phaedra reminds everyone that they have another early day in the morning.

Miss Marlo ends up sick as a dog and Nene decides to stay in the room with her for the day.  Phaedra believes that the medicine man put the “hoojoo” on Marlo.  The rest of the gang heads back on safari to see more animals.  Cynthia does admit that Marlo is really not her cup of tea and the smalls are happy to have her in their crew.  The discussion turns back to Kim and I am sure this is going to come back and bite them later.

They arrive at their lunch and a truck pulls up with Nene in the back, ready to police the goings on.  Nene admits that she was leery of leaving Cynthia unattended with the Smalls.  Kandi brings up Marlo again and asks Nene what she thinks about her personality.  At this point, someone must be paying Kandi to be a shit stirrer or a glutton for punishment.  Nene defends to the end and Cynthia comes off as two-faced because now that Nene is present, she has a different opinion on Marlo.  Nene accuses the Smalls of flopping to Kim.  It’s about to go down…

The Smalls are contemplating how Miss Kim is handling her time alone at home now that Kroy is at camp.  They place a Bravo mandated call to Kim to start shit give her a friendly ringy dingy to check in.  Kim finds it ironic that Nene brought Marlo as a tagalong in light of the fact that Nene read her the riot act for bringing Sweetie to Miami.  She by Shereé tells Kim that Kandi said she couldn’t picture Kim at the orphanage holding a black baby.  Kandi flips out because She by Shereé got it twisted.  They hang up with Kim and Kandi calls her out for throwing her under the bus.  Cut to a shot of Cynthia saying that.  She by Shereé doesn’t know when to STFU.  Now Kim is all burnt up because she thinks Kandi said that she wouldn’t hold a black baby.  How easily things get so misconstrued, but then again, this will be the very basis for the next episode, “Black Baby-Gate”.

The ladies arrive for a bar-b-que and they change into some traditional African garb and have some face painting done.  Kandi decides she needs to discuss the black baby elephant in the room and asks Cynthia about the orphanage/Kim/black baby conversation.  Cynthia confirms that Kandi did not say that.  Nene takes her opportunity to pounce and says “so you had to report to your boss.”  Not only have the wheels completely come off the crazy train, but this thing is skidding on the tracks and sparks are a-flyin’.  Kandi is calling everybody out and then she starts on Marlo and her label dropping.  Everyone is just sitting there staring at her.  Phaedra was hoping they could continue to be grateful for all their blessings, but “that would be too much like right with these wrong girls.”  WORD!  Cynthia also points out that they keep going back to the B.S. no matter where they are, as quickly as things change, they stay the same.  WORD!

Four on the Floor

Group rounds are up tonight, so maybe, just maybe, we will hear some signing.  Everyone is sleep deprived and cranky, but the show must go on.  We start with The Bettys, they have fought and barfed their way out of the darkness to take the stage.  Based on the facial expressions and Steven’s grumbling throughout the performance, I would say it’s a no go.  DAWG calls it “really bleak”.  Steven delivers the news that only two of The Bettys have made it.  One of the girls takes it pretty hard and she is violently ill in the bathroom.  The sounds and fluids coming out of this girls face are well…disgusting.  This is about as disturbing as…well, Steven and his junk.

Group Sauce is up next and the judges give them a standing O.  Good lookin’ out and they are all immediately through.  679 is up next and it’s all about Brielle and her momager.  Momager prays “please Jesus, I have to deal with her when she comes back to the room.”  What kind of prayer is that?  Sounds like that dynamic duo has bigger issues.  Anyhoo, JHO delivers the crushing blow here, Kyle is the only one not going through.

The Make You Believers are up first and they are all feeling healthy, until another guuuuurrrl down incident.  I guess Jaquie shouldn’t have hugged and twirled around the crazy sickly tent girl the day before and she also jinxed herself by saying “the only thing I caught was a good attitude”.  She will fight through her dizziness and nausea and perform.  Too bad none of her group members can remember the lyrics to their song.  OMFG…all I can say is what a hot ass mess.  DAWG is stunned and JHO says it was a little rough.   Mathenee is the only one going through.

Clearly, the wheels have fallen off this crazy train and groups are crumbling under the pressure, forgetting lyrics, making up words, and mumbling.  Those Girls and That Guy are up next with Alisha the dump truck cop.  DAWG chuckles, “a li’l rough”, and they’re all sent packing.  Of course, Alisha can’t leave without the last word and she offers herself as “personal security” to the judges.  Sell it down the road, toots.

Area 451 prepares for their time on stage, but Imani looks a little wobbly…annnnnnddd guuuuuurrrrl down!  They are trying to reconnoiter their group and Hollywood Five takes the stage first.  Judges are dancing along and appear to enjoy it, and they are five for five.  Area 451 regroups and Imani is going to try to perform.  She has already collapsed a second time on her way back to rejoin the group, but she is determined.  They start out really rough, forgetting lyrics, and then Imani collapses yet again.  OHRS rushes out with the medics to get her back up and seated to face the judges.  DAWG asks Bryce what was happening with the words and he can’t even find the words to answer.  Only Johnny Keyser, JHO’s golden boy is through.

MIT (Most International Team) takes the stage next where there are too many cowboys and not enough rodeo clowns.  Richie the cowboy stayed behind in the confessional to give his opinions about his group.  They have a few pitch problems, and they all get through but JHO gives a warning that they better all kick it up a notch.  Heejun comes clean about talking crap about Richie and apologizes for what he said.  Everything is okay at the corral (for now).

Day two starts out with Steven and the DAWG jammin’ with the Idol band.  The final 98 contestants will sing solo with the band and may play an instrument if they choose.  Joshua Ledet is up first and Steven asks him to “heal me”.  Judges enjoy his performance and he gets a standing O, but he’s not really my cup of tea.  Our recycled Coca Cola can of the season, Colton “I’m not here to try out, I’m just supporting my sister” Dixon is next, again not one of my favorites.

Phil Phillips is playing guitar and signing, he’s like a bad Dave Matthews knockoff that’s been steeped in skunky marijuana leaves and smoked through a bong made of a toilet paper cylinder and gum wrappers.  Jen Hirsh is up next and she delivers a sultry slow song, which makes Steven giggle.  She rakes in a standing O and a “boo-yah” from Steven.

Creighton Fraker gives it his all and another standing O.  Conversely, the next string of performances take a dive.  OHRS blames it on the rain.  Reed Grimm finds himself in a bit of a jam because he didn’t understand he had to perform with the band.  He only has 30 minutes to work on a new song.  The vocal coach is about ready to stab him because he can’t focus.

Shannon McGrane delivers a descent performance, but her outfit looks like she fell ass backwards into the $1.00 bin at her local Goodwill.  She is wearing what appears to be super short shorts, maybe a satin onsie with a Liza Minnelli glitter top.  Judges are all on their feet over the vocal so she goes through.  Wardrobe will have fun with her.

Reed is still working on his performance and the Idol Associate Music Director steps in for a vocal intervention.  Reed says he doesn’t know if it’s right and he needs to talk to his mom.  After some heavy Lamaze breathing and his pep talk, he takes the stage and decides to play the drums.  DAWG dubs him as another Casey as Reed begins his performance.  The judges are all rocking out and Reed apparently got his groove back.

Skylar Laine is up next and she is hoping to stave off the Idol bug long enough to squeak out her one minute performance.  JHO says she reminds her of Reba McEntire.  Steven says it’s the best performance of the day.  Rachelle Lamb nervously takes her mark and completely forgets her lyrics.  She starts over, but she isn’t sure how she fared.

Last up is Adam Brock and he plans to bring some “white chocolate” to the stage.  He gives a stellar performance.  DAWG asks Adam what the significance of the white handkerchief in his back pocket is.  Adam explains it belonged to his grandfather who passed away and the night before he passed, he told Adam “the show must go on”.  Adam kept it in his pocket and then Steven used it to mop his brow after the jam session.  I don’t think Adam needs any good luck charms.

The judges shuffle around the polaroid photos of the contestants to arrive at their final decisions.  The contestants are split in to the four agonizing groups.  Room one contains many of the heavy favorites, so no surprises here, they are all through.

Room three is another story and there’s a full-blown meow down about to break out because of a burp that Rachelle Lamb lets out.  The tension is high.

Room two gets the news next and they are going through.  They lower the boom on tense Room three, sending them home.  Steven gives them a little pep talk and tells them how he was booed off the stage many times when he first started.  Room four awaits their fate and they are through.

The show hits the road to Vegas for more cuts and appearance from Pegi Blu, the bat shit crazy vocal coach.  JHO announces to the gang that they will be singing music from the 1950’s.  They are all jammed on a bus headed to Sin City.  We are treated to a moment where a girl sitting behind Cowboy tickles his ear and he Steven Segal punches her ass right in the face.  They will be performing on the Viva Elvis stage at the Aria Hotel.  Nothing like shameless plugs for the hotel, and nothing like some of these little cheechako’s showing their naiveté by saying “we will perform on the stage that Elvis performed on.”  OY…a collective OY!

The first group does well on “Dedicated to the One I Love”.  JHO enjoyed the harmonies, Steven and JHO gave the country contestants props for stepping out of their comfort zones.  Coloton, Skylar, and Chase are the only ones through.

Sidebar:  I am not sure what Steven is wearing, but it looks like a metal bow tie or a Christmas decoration.

Some of the younger contestants are up next to sing “Rockin’ Robin”, which was written 30 years before they were born.  They struggled quite a bit in rehearsals, but they tweet it out pretty good.  DAWG delivers the news that they are all through.

Power house Adam Brock leads the next group in “Great Balls of Fire”.  This is a bit of a motley crew and they got stuck with the glitter queen who doesn’t impress me.  JHO thought it was fun and played to everyone’s strength.  DAWG announces one by one that they are all through, but he gives a long dramatic pause before delivering the news to the glitter queen.  Steven tells her “for a skinny girl you don’t have many tail feathers, but you sure shook ‘em, I just had to say that.”  Well Steven, I just had to barf…

The next girl group sings “Why do Fools Fall in Love” and they give a cute performance in their kicky li’l outfits.  Steven has a flashback and recalls “makin’ out to that song”, Steven please keep your personal exploits to yourself.  Schylar and Brielle are the only two going through.

The next group sings “The Night Has a Thousand Eyes” and Reed Grim gives a pretty creepy performance I must say.  DAWG seems to be enjoying it as his head is a bobbin’ and Steven is grinning ear to ear.  They get a standing O from the judges and they all go flying through.

The next up is the only group of two, it’s the Cowboy and Jermaine who are both baritones.  They found themselves the last two misfits that weren’t picked for kick ball, so they got together on “Make it Easy on Yourself”.  They pull it off, DAWG calls them the “brothers righteous” and judges put them both through.

Hallie, Baylie, and Chelsea make it through on “Be My Baby” and closing out the day on “It Doesn’t Matter Anymore” is another group being coached by Peisha McPhee, mother to Katherine McPhee.  Hmmm…wonder how she got this gig?  At any rate, the three take the stage and they get the judges a-rockin’.  DAWG is lovin’ it, Steven praises the Lord, they get a standing O, and Deandre a.k.a. “Milli Vanilli” and the two girls are through.

The judges summon everyone back to the stage and reveal that more cuts may be made at the end of day two, so the contestants who got through on day one may not necessarily be safe.  Now go put a condom on your head because you are being mind-f*cked!

The next group is performing “Jailhouse Rock”, JHO gives a little shimmy, but DAWG looks a bit weary.  After a bit of constructive criticism, only three of the four make it.  Continuing on the Elvis theme is “Hunk a Hunk a Burnin’ Love” an another group is though.  “Blue Suede Shoes” proves to be another success for only two out of the next group of four.

The next group of three decided to forgo rehearsal with the band and the vocal coach and laid down their version of “Keep Me Hangin’ On”.  More constructive criticism and it crashes and burns quickly.  Judges rattle off a ton of technical singing stuff and only two girls make it through.  Jessica is sent home and she’s pretty bitter about it, saying “they aren’t looking for real artists”.  Always a supportive thing to say in front of your fellow group members who did make it through.

Pegi Blu, the vocal coach from hell, is back to torture the contestants.  She is particularly hard on early favorite Lauren Gray.  They take the stage to sing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow”, but only Wendy and Lauren get through.  Mathene gets his walkin’ papers.

Pegi don’t come to play!Heejun goes up against Pegi Blu and he is a bit scared.  The group will sing “I only Have Eyes for You”, they get JHO singing along and Steven closes his eyes and has visions of waterskiing squirrels.  All four boys make it through and they give props to Pegi and Mary for coaching them.  Heejun turns in to a ball of sobbing mess and he’s so happy to give his family good news.

Groove Sauce is missing one ingredient, Reed, but the show goes on and they perform “Sealed With a Kiss”.  DAWG is bobbin’ his noggin in approval.  Jen Hirsh is a heavy favorite and the boys were good too.  Only three get through and Nick is sent packing.

More cuts still need to be made, one of which is Schyler, Colton’s sister, Barbie Britnee, and JHO’s golden boy Johnny.  I guess Johnny should have been rehearsing instead of hanging out in the hot tub.  We are down to 42 and next week it looks like we zero in on the top 24, finally.

Don’t be Tardy for Safari

We resume right where we left off with the meow down between Marlo and She by Shereé.  Nene manages to break up the fight and the Talls and the Smalls go their separate ways, but still plan to meet up after their respective dinner plans.  The Smalls arrive at Kevin’s house and Phaedra takes to him immediately and affectionately labels him as a “sassafras.”  The ladies are treated to a fire twirling performance which they thoroughly enjoy, but you can see the small glimpse of horror cover their faces as the sparks from the flame throwers get a bit too close to their weaves.  They are joined by several of Kevin’s friends and Kandi is seated next to a handsome man named Vince from Botswana, he’s a model, actor, in the music industry, and he’s a bartender.  Brrrzrk (sound of a needle scratching to a halt on a record).  Vince was also a big fan of Kandi’s old girl group Xcape.  Kevin tells the group about Kandi Coated Nights and opens the floor to ask any “adult” questions.  Vince is putting on the hard sell and Kandi says she is used to people “fakin’ it til they makin’ it” and she is shocked that it’s happening all the way over in Africa.  Will Kandi and Vince hook up?  Kandi Koated “hell to the NO!”

The Talls go to Nobu and Cynthia is bummed that they aren’t doing “African” things and says they may as well be in Miami.  Marlo hits the can and Nene pounces on the chance to talk the straight dope with Cynthia about the fight.  Sidebar:  Cynthia is rocking the braids in a high pony and she looks fierce.  Nene thought Marlo was just going to pull the shade down and let it back up, not pull the shade down and leave it down.  They agree that Marlo went too far when she called She by Shereé’s friend the “f-word”, considering Marlo has “quite a few gay guys in her camp”.  Nene actually has a moment of self-awareness and she realizes how ridiculous she looks when she pops off.  Marlo returns from the can and they discuss meeting up with the ladies later.  Marlo shows no remorse, says she can handle She by Shereé and that she better “google me and check my charges.”  I thought Marlo was just bat shit crazy, but I think her problem is a little further back in the skull.  Cynthia looks disapproving, Nene laughs at the comment, and announces that they shall go to the club, order some bottles, and put them on She by Shereé’s tab.”  It’s about to get buck wild.

The Talls arrive at Jade Nightclub and start pouring alcohol on themselves immediately, and thank God, because that is a sure fire way to avoid drama.  Marlo is hugging everyone and gives She by Shereé the bird.  Marlo is makin’ it rain up in here as if she has a license to print money.  Kandi is like “F*ck it, I’ll take it!”  She and Phaedra start shoving Marlo’s hooker money in their bras.  Phaedra thinks, what the heck, Ayden can get some new shoes and pampers.  The Talls and Smalls tumble out of the club around 3:30 a.m. and they have to be up at 7:00 a.m.  Nene wants the driver to stop at a qwik-e-mart so she can get potato chips and soup.  Err…it would have been better if she asked to stop at Taco Bell.  The next morning arrives quickly and the ladies are all cranky, tired, and for the first time in Housewives history, nobody is making a peep.

They arrive at the game reserve and they meet the manager, Gunther.  He gives them a brief lowdown and opens it up for questions, Cynthia asks about spa services and Phaedra fancies a gym, which is available.  Marlo asks “what about hair and makeup.”  Crickets… he says they don’t have that, but she demands that he get someone on the property to do her hair and makeup STAT!  She seriously needs to get over herself and then be bitch slapped to Siberia.  Next they scope out the rooms and immediately Marlo wants the room with the most closet space.  Kandi pulls a Phaedra and says “Everybody knows we’re going to pick numbers”.  Marlo decides she has to talk to God over it because she really doesn’t want a small room.  Score one for the Smalls, they win the drawing and the Talls are stuck in the smaller rooms.  Phaedra gets quote of the night with “Irony is so ironic!”

Cynthia is waiting impatiently for everyone at the breakfast table, the Smalls arrive after 20 minutes, but Nene and Marlo are still in “hair and makeup”.  The Smalls see Cynthia slowly migrating to their team.  The Super Divas finally make it to the table and Cynthia compliments Nene on her capelet and of course Marlo the label whore has to pipe up “Louis Vuitton, I guess if you don’t know it, you don’t know it.”  Oh snap!  Once again, Marlo’s ignorance is showing, Cynthia was a high fashion model for years, she knows Louis Vuitton when she sees it.  And another thing…Cynthia looks twice as fierce as those two hags put together.  Nene receives a flower delivery from her business partner, greezy John, but she bats her fake eyelashes and declines to discuss him.

They leave to go on the safari trip and Phaedra pokes fun at Marlo’s boogaloo bedazzled pants.  The Smalls trail behind the Talls making fun of Marlo all the way.  Phaedra is actually pretty funny here and she starts doing disco moves.  Once on the safari, the Smalls marvel at the animals and enjoy the day.  Meanwhile, in the Tall torture chamber vehicle, Marlo wont STFU.  She is complaining about the roads, her hair, the animals, etc.  Nene tells her to be quiet and it’s driving Cynthia nuts.  Their tour guide gets out and brings a big turtle up to the truck to show them.  They are all grossed out.

The Smalls see some giraffes and nickname them Cynthia, Nene, and Marlo.  Kandi points out how Cynthia has been off to herself lately and Phaedra jokes that she is “losing her woman.”  Cynthia better check that Friend Contract with Nene, I am sure there is a cancellation clause.  The Smalls tour guide jumps off the truck to show them the elephant doo and discuss its medicinal properties.  They are all grossed out.

The Talls get out to look at the Zebras and Marlo scares them away.  Cynthia is embarrassed by both of them and wishes the driver would run over Marlo like a scurvy dog.  They wrap up the day with a toast and Phaedra reminds everyone they have an early day again tomorrow to go to the orphanage.

On the journey out to the villages, they see some children on their lunch break from school and they are all singing and dancing.  One of the boys does a little “pants dance” for Kandi.  The ladies go into a nearby market to buy some supplies for the school and villagers.  Phaedra and She by Shereé focus on the food items and Kandi and Cynthia buy toiletries and blankets.  Marlo, the village idiot, obsesses about buying relaxers for their hair.  Holy f*ck knuckles, she is a piece of work.

They press on to the orphanage where there are about 60 kids, most of the children there have AIDS or are from abusive situations.  The ladies have fun with the kids, drop off the donations, and then the kids sing a song for them.  Phaedra is emotional because she is so touched and the rest of the ladies actually behave and truly enjoy the experience, even that insufferable bandersnatch, Marlo.

Guuuuurl Down

It’s Hollywood week, the competition, the drama, the passion.  The contestants pack up and head out to lay it all on the line.  “What makes the dawn rise with thunder, what makes the Sphinx the seventh wonder, courage.  What makes the hot in tot so hot, who put the A in Apricot, what do they got that I ain’t got, courage.”  Thanks for that Steven, and by the way…yes the noise in your head does bother me sometimes.  DAWG declares season 11 is “ON like Donkey Kong!”  Now that’s more my language.

Contestants start in groups of ten and perform without any feedback.  Sudden death round will send half of the contestants home.  The first group is up with two of the judge’s favorites, Johnny Keyser.  DAWG keeps going “mmmm…mmmm…Amen!”  Either he likes it or he is thinking about his next meal.  Heejun is up next and he belts out some Michael Bolton.  Judges are still making comments and JHO says he brought tears to her eyes.  Both boys live to see another day.

Elise Testone sings next and judges put up their diva hands.  Baylie Brown and Hallie Day give it a whirl and make the cut.  Jen Hirsh is up and her goal is not to fidget.  Steven goes to his happy place and doesn’t want her to stop singing.  Lauren Gray is so into her song that she doesn’t see the DAWG wave the double diva hands.  Both go through.

A string of girls hit some bad luck and beg for second chances to sing more.  Steven looks dumbfounded and DAWG is not so pleased.  Steven decides it’s time for a pep talk and wants to see more energy.  Phil Phillips rocks out first, I am not sure if he’s sounding so good and judges look blank.  Reed Grim does his thing, but I think it looks grim for him.  Travis Orlando is up next and judges appear to be mildly enjoying it.  Phil and Reed go through and Travis is rejected AGAIN.  You can’t help but feel for the kid, but in the end he probably wouldn’t have gotten far.

Judges continue to hand out walkin’ papers to the boy born without ears, The Wolfman, and the girl who gave Steven herpes of the mouth.

Adam Brock says he has a large black woman trapped inside his body and he sings “Walkin’ in Memphis” for JHO.  Jane Carrey is up next and falls flat and she knows it.  Adam is in, but Jane tanks worse than her father’s movie “Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”.

Shannon McGrane is up next an she takes on “Fallen” by Alicia Keys.  Simon Cowell would be schvitzin in his little grey sweater if he were there.  Next up is the lady killer, David Leathers, Jr.  He sounds just like a young Michael Jackson, it’s kinda eerie.  He actually gets a standing O and Steven tells him he has ties that are older than him, which is a weird analogy because 1)  Aren’t all ties pretty much around forever and 2)  I have never seen Steven Tyler wear a tie.  I think this is as close as he gets to wearing a “tie”:

He should have said “I have scarves with drug pockets sewn in them older than you.”  But I digress…Jessica Phillips sings next and she’s a little over the top, but they all make it.

As we go to the commercial break we are teased with “one of the most shocking moments in Idol history” and then we see someone fall and hear an audio clip over the footage of Steven’s voice sounding stoned saying “aww…she hit her head too.”

Erica Van Pelt is up and she’s wearing a little vest that looks like she stole it off of her Raggedy Andy doll.  Creighton Fraker attempts a Queen song, and he sounds a bit nasaly for my taste.  Aaron Marcellus is up next and JHO is all excited about him.  All three sail into the next round.

Lauren Mink, the girl that works with disabled adults, is up next.  We have high hopes for her, but she changes keys and JHO is madder than a cat in a pillowcase.  Jeremy Rosato a.k.a. “Dirty” as nicknamed by the DAWG.  Turns out he is a front desk clerk at a doctor’s office for infectious diseases…annnnnnnnd…he’s a germophobe.  He says he’s “all germed up and ready to go”.  JHO is showing Steven her goosebumps, but he doesn’t look amused.  Symone Black is up next and something is going horribly awry with her, she can barely stand up, and she falls off the end of the stage.  Nigel Lithgoe walks in like this is par for the course and calls in his robotic voice three times “Medic please!”  OHRS and the rest of the judges flock around to rubberneck.

Sidebar:  Before Symone fell, DAWG was asking her why she chose the song she did and she said she wanted to appeal to an “older crowd”.  DAWG takes a bit of offense to this and asks if she thinks he’s old…C’Mon DAWG…don’t be so vein, you’re barely a teenager in DAWG years.

We’re back for the second round of cuts during group night.  The producers tease us with more fast-paced shots of various contestants laying on the floor, ambulances, sirens, and OHRS shouting expletives and pushing people out of the way.  I am sure it’s just fodder to keep me watching for the next 60 agonizing minutes.  All I know is they need to pick up the pace quickly, this has been a very boring start to the season.

We rehash Symone Black’s accident, yeah the incident that was cut off of the end of every DVR recording in America last night.  The remaining contestants form a prayer circle, DAWG leaps over the judging table to gawk…JHO jumps down to stare, because I am sure 80 people hovering over her is what Symone needs right now.  They get her some soda and saltines and she is off to the hospital.

Key changing Lauren Mink, Jeremy “Dirty” Rosado, and Ethan Jones await their fate.  Lauren and Ethan do not make it.  After all is said and done, 185 hopefuls must now choose up for the group round.  This is where the rubber meets the road, it separates the men from the boys…the pandemonium ensues as the day one and day two contestants have to form groups with members from both days.  It comes down to the last five misfits and they are arguing over their song choice.  Aggressive Alicia the cop is the odd woman out and she is scrambling to find a group to sing “Joy to the World”, but her bossy tactics aren’t working.  Annnnnd…the fact that these young kids think she means the Christmas song.  Haha!

Brielle Von Hugel is a second time auditioner, so she is bossing her group around as her Momager hovers over their rehearsal and shit talks to the camera about baby faced Kyle Crews, who is leading their group number.

Symone returns from the hospital, re-hydrated and ready to find a group.  She finally settles in to a group, but her Stage Dad won’t leave them alone.  He’s borderline creepy and Symone tells him to “get out of here” as he gathers the group together for a secret huddle.

Amy Brumfield a.k.a., Tent Girl has been sick all day.  She is craving fresh air that only living in a tent in the woods can provide.  It appears many of the other contestants are falling ill and throwing up into industrial sized trash bags.

Hejun and Richie the cowboy are not seeing eye to eye.  Hejun gets line of the night “I have a very bad perspective on cowboys, even Dallas cowboys.”

A girl group called “The Betty’s” starts falling apart.  Two girls stayed up the entire night practicing while the others slept.  The next day they are up first before the judges, but as my TiVo indicates, we are at the 58-minute mark of this excruciating hour and we will not see any singing tonight.

The entire episode is just about groups forming, practicing, catching bird flu, and puking into clear trash bags.  Tune next week for more puking, a little collapsing, and maybe some singing?  If these contestants don’t kill each other over their personalities or with their infectious diseases first!

Time to Make the Doughnuts

Idol is in Portland, OR for the next round of hopefuls.  Brittany Zika is up first and she talks about a recent experience where she sang “Gravity” on stage with Sara Bareilles.  She trips while walking up on stage and Steven takes the opportunity to cut up “did you fall for me?  God, I’m much too young to be this old!”  He has a half-up/half-down do and he does look rather youthful tonight.  Brittany says they call her “tripster the hipster”, she isn’t afraid to let her freak flag fly.  Judges are immediately sold on her bag o’ goods.  JHO says she has one of the prettiest voices, and our “hipster” is stunned.  She takes off the hat and glasses at DAWGS request and they are in love with her.  She actually seems very sweet, it’s only a matter of time before her spirit crushed and she is left bitter and jaded on the whole experience.

Ben Purdom is feeling a little under the weather, burping, blowing his nose, and practically throwing up in his mouth.  He’s a cable television salesman by day and certainly not a singer at any other time.  He attempts a Lady Gaga tune and Steven finally lets an expletive fly.  DAWG looks like he wants to shoot himself in the head, but they let him do another song.  DAWG says it’s better, but still terrible.  They send him on his merry way to go throw up in a bucket.

After lunch, the energy is on the upswing and Jermaine Jones hopes to impress the judges.  He’s 6’ 8½ ” tall, and his voice matches his size.  Very low, but a bit pitchy DAWG.  Judges think he is really gifted and they give him the go ahead, but ask him to loosen up, DAWG says “he sweatin’ like a foo up dere!”  And the gentle, schweddy, giant is through.

Thank goodness for DVR, these commercials are a killer.  JHO is late the next day because she lost her tights.  She probably left them in Casper Smart’s motel room.  So very JHO-ish of her.  Next up is Brittnee Kellogg, a young mom of two.  She is a bit emotional because she felt held back by her marriage, but now she is divorced and ready to fly.  She actually looks like Brittany Spears when she was younger, before she went bat shit cray cray.  Our Brittnee sings very well, JHO is into it, DAWG is diggin’ her vibe, three yeses!  She asks JHO for some motherly advice and J-HO tells her it “takes a village.”  Britnee has her whole family there to support her and I think she may go far!

Sam Gershman comes bounding in next and she’s very showtuney broadway.  Steven tells her she would make a good Easter bunny and she tells him she’s Jewish.  Geez Steven, open mouth, insert foot.  Judges take a pass, but they tell her to keep working on it.

David Weed is up next and Steven said good think his first name isn’t Smokey.  He is a fast food worker and every time he has to say “do you want fries with that” he dies a little inside.  I can’t help but laugh at that just a bit…DAWG is also laughing at the kid before he begins, and with good cause.  He is screechy and terrible, and sweatin’ like a foo!  DAWG asks him about his other dreams and David is interested in stand-up comedy.  This poor kid would get eaten alive, so judges send him away.

Sidebar:  Images of the Ryan Seacrest Doughnut made by a fan will haunt me forever.  In case you missed it…

 

Romeo Diahn from Liberia is next and he tells a bit about his background before he came to America.  Judges do like him overall, but they are a bit worried about how he will fare.  We shall see.  Naiomi Gillies arrives and wants to sing “Cryin’” by Aerosmith.  She does an okay job, judges seem to like it, but she’s a bit shaky in parts.  DAWG says “that’s how you do it!”  And she’s in!

Sidebar:  Let’s just take a moment to reflect on the “Cryin’” music video which featured Josh Holloway as a purse thief.  Mmmmm…dreamy…

 The standard string of bad auditions with contestants dressed up in ridiculous outfits, screaming, crying, punching camera men, and then Ben Harrison tries to make everyone smile.  This kid is a bit creepy, he looks like knock off version of Andy Richter.  He gives me the willies and he is so bad, Steven uses his little sound machine to make a “coo coo” noise, and this kid is definitely coo coo pants!

Our final audition in Oregon is Jessica Phillips and her backstory involves her boyfriend who had a stroke.  She is more of a caretaker to him now and she is helping him recoup and learn to speak again.  It’s totally gut wrenching.  Of course, we know that AI wouldn’t show us this story if she totally sucked.  She gets through with no hesitation, and she is on her way to living the dream.

We start the second night this week with a flashback to 8 years ago when little Carrie Underwood was just a hayseed from Oklahoma with a dream.  She auditioned in St. Louis and that is where we are tonight.  The opening begins with a curmudgeon taxi driver, Walter, bitching about all the traffic and congestion that auditions are going to cause.  Steven has no clue where he is, as usual, but nevertheless, the ladies are swooning.  The first up is Johnny Keyser, a cute young buck from Florida.  Judges are sold on him immediately and JHO and DAWG can’t get enough.

We get some flashback clips of some of the more outrageous auditions and some of my favorite DAWG moments when he holds his papers in front of his face and he’s laughing so hard that his whole body shakes.  There hasn’t been much of that lately…

Next up is Rachelle Lamb, another young mom, going through a bitter divorce, husband held her back from chasing her dream, let’s see if she can catch it…she was a professional singer, I think she is okay, but Steven likes her “moxie”, three yeses.

The good streak is over, a string of terrible auditions are up, the big guy dressed as Elvis was just scary.  Ugg…now that I have washed my eyes out with bleach, I am refreshed.  Reis Kloeckener is up next, he was bullied in high school, but then he found a safe place to fall in the outstretched jazz hands of the choir.  Good thing Simon Cowell isn’t there, the poor kid would end up huddled in the fetal position in a corner.  He has a lot of confidence and Steven loves it, he makes that face of eternal contentment…Steven is weeping, guyliner running, judges yessing!

Steven is so moved he goes out to the crowd and gives the hoepfuls a pep talk.  Ethan Jones is so excited he has cut his head open before the audition.  Ethan was in a band with his father, but his father left to go to rehab and Steven can relate well.  He is all right, but I think he needs a little work and a Band-Aid.  The judges put him right through.

The next audition is from Mark Ingram who works as a hotel auditor at the location for the auditions.  He comes in with several of his staff members for support and his voice is totally cracking and Steven looks totally pissed off.  The judges try to deliver some constructive criticism and he keeps breaking out into song…and quite a sweat too.  Is it just my imagination, or did he have some moose knuckle going on???

The last auditioner is Lauren Gray.  She comes from a family that owns and runs a one stop wedding shop and she signs with her father.  Judges are immediately stunned and JHO tears up.

Next week is Hollywood already and I must say, it’s difficult to pick an MVP given the limited amount of data we have been given.