Strait Up Gangsta’!

It’s Jesus’ Birthday and the if the Gorga Mansion is Rockin’ don’t bother knockin’.  Joe is gettin’ his freak on and he is grabbing various partygoers on the dance floor.  Melissa reports to Teresa that she pushed Monica out the door.  Adios, you’re in a cab, you’re vapor…Teresa is appreciative and they give hugs and kisses.  Joe continues to get his swerve on the dance floor and he looks like a total meathead.  Of course, Teresa cannot ever be fully satisfied, now she is upset that Kim “Strait Up C” is still at the party.  Melissa thinks maybe Teresa and Kim are secret sisters, they both need a lot of attention and stir up drama.  Yes, Melissa, they are two peas in a pod.

Richie seems to think everyone is “pissed off because I’m the best looking mo-fo in this place.”  Yes Richie, that is exactly it.  Everybody is ready to throw down ‘cuz you’re so god-damned good lookin’.

Kim “Strait Up C” is now stirring up more shit with Melissa’s sister, Lysa.  Kim wants vindication, damn it.  Sidebar:  Kim’s plastic surgeon must have grafted too much of her ass fat to her lips.  She has some serious “trout-pout” and looks ridiculous.

Heaven forbid Melissa may actually enjoy her party for five freaking minutes.  She finally makes her way to the dance floor where Teresa is ready to do the happy dance with her.

Albert arrives and Caroline is so happy to see him.  They are so cute together and clearly the only normal ones on this show.  Everyone is cheering and taking guzzlets of their cocktails.  Kim “Strait Up C” is toasting with Kathy.  Kim is just trying to garner people over to her side, which further proves that her main intent is to stir up crap.  Kim “Strait Up C” can’t learn her lesson and she keeps flappin’ her duck lips.  Everyone is having such a nice time and Teresa and Joe take a moment for a photo op.  Teresa tells Joe “together we are unstoppable.”  Well something tells me that Caroline Manzo is about to prove that she alone, is unstoppable.

Kim “Strait Up C” turns around and Jacqueline and Lauren are giving her the stink eye.  Lauren tells Kim “Strait Up C” to stop stirring the pot and Caroline goes Strait Up Gangsta’ on Kim “Strait Up C”.  Caroline is the HBIC up in dis’ bee-yotch!  It is here we are reminded that Kim “Strait Up C’s” son is Christopher Manzo’s best buddy.

Teresa and Juicy head out moments before the shit hits the proverbial fan.  Then in the blink of a stink eye, it turns reeeel ugly.  Christopher and Albie jump in and whisk Kim “Strait Up C” out the door.  This is where it gets truly comical…we are introduced to John, Kim “Strait Up C’s” bodyguard.  He is awoken from his standing nap, sees the scuffle, and says “I’m not doing anything!  I’m not doing anything!”  Well no shit, Sherlock.  Moreover, WHO brings a bodyguard to a holiday party?  Albert backs the body guard up and tells him what fo’.  Then somebody says “get your goon outta here”, who knows, it’s all a bunch of holiday melee.  A goon is a goon is a goon, and the Boyz II Manzos have this one handled.

Christopher gets Kim “Strait Up C” out and then Teresa and Juicy are still standing in the driveway watching and delighting in the scuttlebutt.  Christopher is trying to talk Kim “Strait Up C” down, Caroline calls her a “douchebag”, and Albie goes out to break it up.  As far as he is concerned, enough is enough.  Kim “Strait Up C” started shit with their Mom and he ain’t havin’ it!  Albert tells Albie to get inside “she’s a clown.”  Then Miss Personality, Ass-ley says “Just like Danielle” as her life coach trails behind her repeating her mantra “High road…high road…high road!”

Kim “Strait Up C” finally gets her ass-fat bounced by the Manzo clan.  The Manzo’s don’t come to play, they mean bidness.  The Boyz II Manzos descended upon her like paratroopers.  I love how they threw her out of someone else’s home, but Melissa is okay with it because the boys were defending their mom and she says her boys better take note!

All the sudden, we are in the Gorga screening room for a Manzo family meeting.  Christopher is a bit upset because it puts him in an awkward position.  I think at this point they are over-analyzing it.  Usually men don’t fight over crap like this, Christopher and his friend will hug it out.  Low and behold, Kim “Strait Up C’s” son John calls Christopher right away and they discuss it and it’s “squashed”.  Melissa views the party as a success, she got along with Teresa and collected a lot of toys for the children at St. Joseph’s Hospital.

We are now at Kathy’s house where the family is preparing stuffed mushrooms for Christmas Eve.  Joseph and Rosie arrive with more groceries.  Richie asks “how ‘bout drama, are dey comin’?”  Kathy takes us down memory lane about how her own mother had a grudge match with her brother.  Of course, it was a stupid silly thing, a shoe repair shop and an alleged debt of $150.00.  Ah, the good ol’ days.  Kathy’s son is trying to use one of his boy scout knives to open a can of stewed tomatoes.  Kathy’s mother starts to get emotional about the story and then the phone rings.  Saved by the bell…Melissa tells Kathy that she will be going to Teresa’s house first and that slowly but surely, they will all be together.

Caroline heads to the radio station with her friend Delores.  Caroline is a little wary about the new engineer in the studio named Christopher Knight.  And, no it’s not the guy who played Peter Brady.  Caroline’s topic is raising children through a divorce.  Jacqueline is listening in and waiting for Chris to get home and he calls in to the show to ask for advice with his step-daughter (a.k.a., Miss Personality Ass-ley).  Caroline realizes it is her brother and she is about to cry.  But, like the pro she is, she keeps it together and gives him some nice words of encouragement.

We are now at Casa Giudice and they are all eating a mish mosh of Italian favorites including mussels that could wake up a dead man.  Melania keeps trying to play with the lit candles as G to the ia keeps yelling at her and scaring her.  Teresa says that the Italian Christmas Eve is called “the seven fishes”.  She goes on to say “but we never count da’ fishes, we just make all fish.”

The “Feast of the Seven Fishes” is a celebration of Christmas Eve originating in southern Italy consisting of meals of fish and seafood, but there may be seven, eight, or even nine specific fishes that are considered traditional.  So technically, her explanation is correct.  If only Santa would give her the gift of being able to articulate!

Audrina is walking around in her princess dress and the poor thing can’t even rest her arms at her sides.  G to the ia received a ring from some boy.  Juicy says “I’m gonna kick dat little boys ass!”  Is that nice, Juice man?  They are looking at it and it’s a replica of the princess Diana ring that William gave to Kate.  Teresa is still making comments about Melissa, I thought she wanted to kiss and make up!  It’s becoming painfully evident that Melissa is trying, but Teresa just keeps acting like a skag in a stripper’s dress.

Meanwhile, at the Gorga’s, Melissa is talking to Antonia about Christmas.  It’s actually quite cute and Antonia is thrilled to learn that it’s Jesus’ birthday.  She asks her mother how old Jesus is and Melissa tells her he’s 89.  I know Melissa is probably just giving the “mom” answer because there is no way to explain his real age to a five year old, but given Melissa’s track record…I am tempted to think she really believes he is 89.  Oh what the hell, I’ll give Melissa the benefit of the doubt…it’s Christmas!

So Melissa is sharing a nice moment with her children and then she has Joe barking at her in the other room about having to go to Teresa’s.  Now who’s stirring up drama!?!?!  He can’t sit and break bread with “dose people”.  Joe has this way of catastrophizing everything before it even happens.  I know past behavior is a predictor of future behavior, but what happened to the power of positive thinking, Joe?

Meanwhile, at the Manzo’s, Caroline is trying to prepare a ton of food and she’s a hot mess and she loves it.  The main course is olive sauce, which was her father’s secret recipe.  Caroline’s mother, Nettie, arrives and the Boyz II Manzo’s are giving her a good ol’ fashioned holiday ribbing.  Lauren doesn’t think there are enough chairs and they start counting it out, but Caroline says it’s an open door policy and she gets all the strays.

The Laurita’s arrive with Miss PersonAssley in tow.  The Boyz II Manzos are making jokes about Christmas and Santa and everyone is settling in for dinner.  It looks like she has about 50 people there.  The dinner table talk is about new year’s resolutions and Assley says one of her resolutions is to make her step father like her.  Chris explains that he loves her, but does not like how she acts at times.  Assley starts behaving in a combative and snotty manner, which frankly, I don’t appreciate.  Assley just rubs me the wrong way.  Chris explains that she needs to listen, learn, and grow.  He wants her to be more responsible.  She is really annoying for a 20 year old.  She starts crying at the table and nobody feels bad.

Melissa and Joe are en route to their first stop.  Joe says “I’m gonna have a lotta drinks tonight, babe.”  Note to Joe:  Probably not the smartest thing to say while you are being filmed on camera, DRIVING with your wife and three children in the back.  Have we learned nothing from the Juice man?  Unless Joe wants to go on a 10 day fishing trip, he had better mind his P’s and Q’s, or Melissa will need to drive home.

Melissa is bringing boxes of Pignoli Cookies for Teresa hoping she won’t throw them away.  Teresa starts ripping on Melissa’s outfit, but Teresa’s skirt is so short, if she had a nut sack, it would be hangin’ out the bottom.  Glass houses Tre, glass houses!  Joe and Gino have on matching hats and they take a photo op with the kids and their father.  “Santa” arrives and the kids go crazy.  Teresa’s mom is in the Santa costume Little Antonia and Melania are on to her.  The gig is up Nona!  Antonia looks just like Melissa in her little hat.  Nona comes around the corner back in her regular clothes and tells the girl she went to the store.  Whew, close call.  Nona dodged a bullet.

Melissa is taking pictures of all the kids and they are all having a nice time.  Joe is actually enjoying himself and the anger in his heart is slowly dissipating.  Joe interrogates G to the ia about the ring.  Juicy is in the background making some really nasty remarks about Melissa.  Hold up there sizzle chest, that’s Joe’s efffin’ wife yer talkin’ about dere!

Joe drops the bomb on Teresa that they are leaving for Kathy’s and won’t be staying for long.  Stay tuned for next week, when the battle of the dueling Christmas parties continues!

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Drama Comes in Small Packages

 

It’s the holidays in Jersey and the Giudice family is assembling their scary tree.  Juicy is up on a ladder in his wife beater putting glittery sticks into the tree.  The girls are playing with glass ornaments on the floor.  The middle child keeps smacking the baby sister in the face.  Ah…the holidays!

Meanwhile, Melissa is building her winter wonderland in preparation for the birthday party she is throwing for Jesus.  They are having issues and Joe is dropping the top of the tree, dropping F-Bombs, and scaring the family.  Ahh…happy birthday, Jesus!

Teresa is asking Juicy when the media will stop writing about them, like he has some insight into that.  She says *ahem* “Now I know what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie feel like.”  Really Tre, really?  If she is going to compare herself to a celebrity, I think she has more in common with MC Hammer.  Blowing money like it grows out of her arse.  Juicy gives Tre a pep talk and says “we’re not in trouble.”  Well Juice man, I hate to be the sugar in your gas tank, but you are in trouble.  Tre reflects on the time Juicy went to jail for 10 days for driving on a suspended license.  License suspended due to a DUI.  They had to “put on a strong face” for their daughters and tell them daddy went on a fishing trip.  Yeah, fishing for more trouble.  Juicy reminds Tre that her real friends were there for her during that time, not that “Kathy cousin” of hers, or that “chicken ass Richie.”  Joe will always be golden to Tre and Juicy reminds her to focus on their four kids and him.  While I can certainly understand trying to focus on the important things, they are both in denial if they think they are not in trouble!

Meanwhile, back at Joe and Melissa’s house of 1,000 hats, Melissa is still struggling with the tree while Joe watches, stuffing his pie hole with organic Cheetos.  He is contemplating the guests at the party, he is concerned about how Joe is going to act.  Hey Joe, you worry about you Joe, not the other Joe.  Geez, we are treated to another flash back of the Christening debacle.  Melissa says Juicy “better come correct to my home.”  Hmmm…good luck wit’ dat.

Jacqueline presents Ashley with a small birthday present to supplement the bigger present, which was the Jeep.  She gives Ashley a fun little bag o’ tricks from her psychic.  A necklace for protection, energy, and love.  Ashley is so sad because her biological father was going to come visit, but he couldn’t make it because he was sick.  Jacqueline is trying to find the silver lining, pointing out that the good intention was there, but Ashley, the eternal optimist, was disappointed.  She calls her dad to say hello, and his enthusiasm is overwhelming.  I think I see where Ashley gets her sparkling personality.

The Boys II Manzos and their sassy friend Greg are going to an Asian Jurassic Park Restaurant.  Well thank God they invited Lauren to go with them, otherwise we would be having another pity party.  Oh wait, it’s a birthday party for Ashley, so I think Lauren’s whiny attitude will fit in just fine.  She announces that she doesn’t want to sit next to Ashley.  They are bashing Ashley about getting a new car, and of course Albie comes to her defense.  Ashley and her friends are running late and everyone else is showing up at the party first.  Wait, why is Abe Vagoda at her party?  Oh, that’s Jacqueline’s father.  Everyone is gathered at the hibachi grill and they are divided up into two tables, the kids and the adults.  The chef makes the standard onion volcano, and everyone is oohing and ahhing.  Except for Ashley who can’t stop texting.  Jacqueline asks her to put the phone down and makes a toast.  So if all of her friends and family are there, who the hell is she texting?  The boys prompt her for a speech and she thanks everyone for coming, now cut the shit, she has texting to do!

Melissa welcomes her party planner, Fabulous Fred, who arrives with a plateful of sprinkle cookies.  Only the best for Jesus’ Birthday.  Fred is over the top, he is talking ice sculptures, relocating furniture, casino in here, two craps, two blackjack, one roulette, because we must be sure we have a plethora of debauchery for Jesus’ birthday.

Joe is stressed about the costs, so he and Fred do a shot.  Melissa has to point out that the party is also for charity, she would never throw such a lavish party without doing something for children.  Okay, so here is the piece de resistance, Fred says “if you want roly poly servers with their bellies sticking out, they’re one price…if you want models, good looking people, beautiful people, that speak correctly, they’re another price.”  So many jokes, so little time.  So what class are Joe and Melissa?  Well they are good looking people, but they certainly don’t speak correctly, so what price would they be?  They must be in between “Just Reduced in time for Jesus’ Birthday” and “Everything Must Go!”  Fred finally coughs up a rough number, $50,000.  Wow, just, wow.  Joe takes another shot and they get on with the show.

Kathy and her children are setting up their own tree and it has a Mardi-Gras theme.  Richie is outside micro-managing the service he hired to decorate the outside of the house.  He must show his man-hood by doing this for Kathy.  He’s tough, that Richie, he can hire people.  I have to laugh when he asks if he can get a discount for helping, and the hired help tells him they charge extra when the homeowner helps.  That is a great line, I will have to use that.  Richie thinks the tree looks like a rooster and the jester tree topper looks cross-eyed.  It’s like the sun Richie, you cannot look directly at it.

Caroline and Albert go to the jeweler to see the custom designed bracelets they are purchasing for their family.  Caroline explains how she wants their kids to have a piece that represents the family and how they are linked for eternity.  The designer shows them a few designs and they select the $4,500 bracelet.  Albert loves it, bracelets for everybody!  A bit more than he planned to spend that day, Caroline knew she could appeal to his sentimental nature.

The big party is being staged, it’s only a few hours away.  The ice sculptures are being carved out of chain saws and the casino is being set up.  Melissa is in hair and makeup with her entourage.  Joe is prancing in to take a shower and he asks if they want to see him naked.  Then he and Melissa entertain a conversation about how they couldn’t live without each other, but Joe says he would be living on an island with 10 women.  Melissa says she would pull a Lorena Bobbitt on him and he says she would need a chain saw.  Well Joe, there is a crew with two chainsaws in front of your house.  Joe is like a little boy, he has an overactive imagination and he likes to run around naked.

Teresa is getting ready to go and she is bitching that she doesn’t want to go and is venting about Melissa stealing her hairdresser.  I don’t understand her sometimes, she wants to reconcile, but then she keeps throwing these stupid pot shots at Melissa.  She needs to get over it, besides she shouldn’t even have a hairdresser.  Will someone please tell Teresa that she’s BROKE???

Kathy and Richie are on their way to the party in anticipation of seeing Teresa.  They don’t want to ruin the party.  Well Richie, something tells me that someone, somewhere, will ruin this party.

Everything is in full swing at the Gorga mansion and guests are hogging photo ops at the step and repeat.  Sassy Greg comments that it’s like walking into the Bellagio.  Melissa is telling us all about the features of the party, the gorgeous ice sculpture, the carolers and their beautiful outfits, the casino tables, the Gorga money, and (drumroll please) a “bar going on in my liberrry.”  Yes, you read that right…she said LIBERRY.

The girls are posing for pictures and Joe starts making some inappropriate comments about Kathy to Richie.  Richie tells Joe “listen you mo-fo, that’s your cousin, that’s still my wife, I’ll f*ckin’, I’ll trow ya’, I’ll trow ya on top of dat f*ckin’ ice sculpture.”  But no fighting Richie, it’s Jesus’ Birthday!

Teresa is ready to go and Juicy is boycotting.  He is still on the couch watching TV with his hand in his pants.  He’s f*ckin’ tired and he doesn’t want to go hang out with losers.  Because he is so “winning” and all.  He begrudgingly throws his glad rags on and then proceeds to demonstrate a kick to the punching bag in the garage.  He tells Teresa that’s what they will get if anyone steps out of line.

Melissa is having an underwear crisis because they can see her g-string under her skin tight white cocktail dress.  Her sisters are telling her to just take them off.  Melissa says “it was cold, I was getting chilly, y’know like my crotch and everything…”  No, Melissa, I don’t know like about your chilly crotch and everything.  Get your knickers on and get back to your guests in the liberry bar.  Make sure they have enough liberryations.

The remaining Manzo clan arrives and they admire the ice sculpture.  I think the ice sculpture of Joe and Melissa is, well…just creepy.  Lauren comments on how the house is fabulous and says she was at a housewarming party “just like this.”  Is she referring to Teresa’s housewarming party on her re-done home?  Once again, it’s implied that Melissa is imitating Teresa.  Melissa gets on the microphone to thank everyone and allow the representative from St. Joseph hospital to say a few words.  Teresa and Juicy arrive about two hours late.  They make their way in and manage to have a civil greeting exchange with Joe and Melissa.  Kathy is ready to approach Teresa because she is a “good Christian.”  It is in this moment that I notice that Kathy has epaulettes on the shoulders of her dress.  She has a fashion sense much like Michael Jackson.  She is trying to be nice to Teresa, but Tre ain’t havin’ it.  Chris Laurita is in the background giving both of them the side-eye.  We are treated to a few shots of Kathy’s sister, Rosie.  Now, Rosie looks like a chick that you don’t want to mess with.  She’s kinda like a hybrid between Rosanne and Chaz Bono.  Teresa starts venting and Kathy does the same, calls Teresa a “f*ckin’ bitch.”  She and Richie go into the bathroom and he gives her some great advice, “go out there and rip her a new a** hole.”  He then tells her “if you want, I’ll “burn this whole f*ckin’ place down.”  Someone please take his gasoline and matches away!  Kathy assures us that her world doesn’t revolve around Teresa.  Could have fooled me.

Juicy is talking to Melissa’s brother in law and he asks Juice man for the $1,000 he owes him.  Teresa goes off on Melissa and tells her to put a muzzle on him.  So much for enjoying her night, Melissa is constantly running interference between all these buffoons and their Holiday Hijinks.  Teresa is praising Juicy for not over-reacting.  Small victories Juice man, small victories.

So if we haven’t had enough drama, Kim “Strait Up G” shows up with Monica Chacon.  Juicy warns Teresa and now it’s on, on like donkey kong.  Teresa asks Melissa to dismiss Monica from the gathering.  I do have to give Melissa props here, she handles it quite gracefully given that it’s extremely awkward.  Then Kim “Strait Up G” decides to be a “Strait Up C” about it.  Jacqueline inserts herself into the drama to try to talk some Strait up sense into Kim “Strait Up C”.  Kim “Strait Up C” just wants to argue and Joe and Melissa explain the situation to Monica and she seems to understand, but they keep talking.  This whole situation is taking way too long to sort out.  Kim “Strait Up C” needs to STFU and leave, really.  Monica makes her exit and Jacqueline is still trying to get Kim “Strait Up C” to mend fences with Teresa.

Looks like the shit-stirring continues next week.  Happy Birthday, Jesus!

STFU

It’s the holidays in Jersey and Jacqueline and her father are setting up the tree in preparation for the big holiday party.  Jacqueline, Ashley, and her father are sitting at the table making construction paper chain garland.  I don’t think I have done that since the second grade.  Ashley proceeds to lecture Jacqueline about meddling in the drama and other people’s bidness.  Hello, kettle, this is the pot, ummm…you’re black!

Boys II Manzo’s and their sassy friend Greg are at Caroline’s helping her move the furniture in preparation for holiday decorating.  Lauren is being a full-throttle, pedal to the metal, nitro burnin’ bitch.  She is struggling with the fact that her brothers have moved to Hoboken with their friend Greg.

Albie has a good point, he says they had to get used to their friend Vito dating Lauren.  I actually think that would be harder for them to get used to.  And he points out that at least they don’t have to worry about Greg ever dating Lauren. *wink*wink*

They dig the Santa figures out of storage and something has eaten the plastic Santa faces off.  Caroline thinks it’s a rat, Albert thinks it was a person, and Albie thinks they should leave it on someone’s doorstep as a message.  Haha – I like Albie’s thinking.  I have a few people on my list that deserve that.  Maybe they can drop it off at Danielle Staub’s house.  I bet it was her shady man-friend Danny Provenzano who snuck in and ate the Santa faces.

So they perch the headless, creepy Santa at the front door while Caroline and Lauren fantasize about a green feathered Christmas tree they saw in a store front.  They make Greg call the store to see if they still have them.  He uses his best Guido voice, but he cannot hide his flaming gayness when he becomes as giddy as Mariah Carey at Christmas time over the fact that they still have the feathery trees.

Meanwhile, back at the double douche ranch, Melissa is lotioning up in preparation for her singing performance in front of some producers she was referred to by her attorney.  Apparently, if she glistens with baby oil, she will sound like Mariah Carey.  Actually, Melissa sounds better than her.  Oops, did I say that out loud?  Sorry Mimi!  The two men from Soul Diggaz arrive to hear what Melissa has to offer.  Joe proceeds to pour the wine, she may sound better if they are liquored up.  They are all listening and trying to move with the staccato piano playing.  It is here that we see Joe has no rhythm whatsoever.  The producers think she has potential, but it may require 15 hour days in the studio.  Well this puts Joe into a tailspin as he can’t have her away that long, so whadda ya’ know, he will build her a studio.  He takes the men down to the basement to show him the area.  Joe is sacrificing his wine room for Melissa’s studio.  They all praise Jesus!

Transition to Teresa, she is in her bed, bath, and beyond a hot ass mess, putting on her makeup and perfume.  It appears to be “date night” in the Giudice home.  Juicy is chopping onions with his “As Seen on TV” handy chopper.  Teresa comes down in some goofy ass outfit, she has a drapey top on, some very short shorts, and then cowboy boots with fringe on them.  When did Teresa become a blind, backwoods, country porn star?  Juicy leads her in to the living room where he has set up a “romantic” picnic.  All I can seem to notice is that there is NO FURNITURE in the room, but there’s no auction going on.  Uh uh…no way, there is no way they have to auction off all of their belongings due to their financial woes.  No way no how.  Oh wait, Teresa clears it up, they have to pay the mortgage instead of buying furniture.  Heaven forbid they would downsize so they could have places to sit.

Juice man walks in with some plates of linguine hanging off the plates.  They camp out on the floor trying to eat pasta, which appears to be almost impossible.  Tre is going to stain her purple flouncy blouse.  Juicy gives a toast, “you live and learn”.  Words to live by Juice man, words to live by.  God bless.

Kathy and Richie are still smoking crank because they are still contemplating the restaurant deal.  Kathy is still in her ridiculous hat and she says “buying a restaurant is a YOUGE risk.”  Really, hmmm…considering restaurants have a notoriously high failure rate, I couldn’t imagine why she would think that.  This is a pipe dream.

Sidebar:  I love how people from the East coast say “huge”…. “YOUGE”.  Gotta love it.

They walk into this really gorgeous space, which is clearly beyond their reach unless they have a zillion dollars locked up in some foreign bank account.  The current owner is looking to sell because he has another location.  Yes Kathy and Richie…another location that is probably doing much better, that’s why he wants to dump this pop stand and get the hell outta Dodge.  Kathy has a vision, a live band, everyone at the bar, belly dancers, and a toke off the hookah pipe.  WTF?!?!?  She is not living on this planet.  Kathy, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.

Richie wants to pick the outfits for the cocktail waitresses, which will be his “treat”.  Good thinking, he can check out the clearance bin at the skank store, I hear they have tube tops on sale!  They will also have to wear thick rimmed glasses with blinders on the sides and heavy gold chains.  Kathy can envision her future here, but Thank God Richie hasn’t hit the hookah too hard because he can see that this is beyond their financial grasp.

Melissa is at home caring for her family and her 3 year old son, Gino, is whining that he can’t feed himself.  First of all, why is he dressed like Joe?  He has a knit cap and a track suit on and it looks like she is feeding him apple pie.  Breakfast of champions.  Melissa says she can’t baby him forever, otherwise he will be like his daddy.  Too late Melissa, too late.

Joe is in the basement working on the studio construction.  Melissa goes down to see the progress and asks Joe if this is “her box.”  You betcher sweet arse it is Melissa.  It’s the box that Joe plans to keep you in upwards of 15 hours a day so nobody else can have you!  Joe says he is also going to install a two way mirror so he can stand there and stare at her.  C-R-E-E-P-Y…

Melissa wants everything to be in gold because she will be making gold records.  Hmm…seems like Kathy isn’t the only one with a pipe dream here!  Let’s not count our chickens before they’re snatched!

Jacqueline and Lauren venture out to Hoboken to visit the Boys II Manzos.  The boys start talking about their mom and how they talk to her every day.  Jacqueline asks if they also talk to Lauren every day too, way to start up a shit storm Jacqueline.

Lauren becomes visibly upset and she starts crying.  She looks just like Caroline when she gets upset, she starts crying and then she looks like she is laughing.  Greg looks rather uncomfortable and the brothers look annoyed.  Albie leaves the room and returns with a gift for her, which is a key to their apartment.  Bad move Albie, bad move.  Greg looks a little bewildered, like, uh, thanks for consulting me about this, roomies!

Jacqueline is preparing for her holiday gathering and she is worried about Teresa and Joe getting too hammered and fighting.  Her mom asks “what’s the worst that can happen, a fist fight?”  Well, yes actually.

Back in Hoboken, the green feather tree is being set up.  Albie is not a fan of the tree, he says it’s the sign of the apocalypse.  Lauren cannot believe that the boys do not have glitter and glue.  So she must improvise, she uses glue and red pepper flakes to write their names on the stockings.  Greg announces his New Year’s resolution “stop taking everything so seriously and just chill the F’ out.”  That’s a good one.  Now if Lauren could just make a resolution to end her pathetic pity party over her brothers.  Greg wants to take a vacation and says Lauren can come.  She tells him she doesn’t want to be invited to the pity party.  Well apparently, you do Lauren, you are the Grand Marshall of the Pity Party Parade.  Maybe she can visit Kathy’s new restaurant… “Pity Party, table for one!”  She then proceeds to pitch a fit because Albie called her to ask how much pasta he needed to feed 5 people.  Outrage, he had friends stop by unexpectedly.  They start to argue about this and Lauren is like a detective here, she has all the facts, witnesses, and surveillance photos.  She really has to get over this and Caroline tells her she is being unreasonable.

Jacqueline goes to pay a visit to Kim “Strait Up G”.  Kim “Strait Up G” tells her about her brain tumor and invites Jacqueline to feel the back of her head where she is missing part of her skull.  That’s always fun to do when you catch up with an ol’ friend.

Then we revisit Teresa’s insults to Kim “Strait Up G” and her “old lady butt crack”.  Kim “Strait Up G” starts reading a text from a friend to Jacqueline about Teresa.  Jacqueline tells her she doesn’t care and her friend needs to “shut the f*ck up.”  Then she tells Kim “Strait Up G” to “shut the f*ck up.”  Then she says Kim “Strait Up G” can throw her out anytime, and “shut the f*ck up.”  Gee, I really hope she gets the message and shuts the f*ck up.  I am not sure Jacqueline made it clear.

Teresa and Juicy spent the whole day in court where she ran into Monica Chacon.  We flash back to the Posche fashion show where Kim “Strait Up G” introduces Monica to Melissa and Kathy.  They say “nice to meet you” and Monica says “I’m suing Teresa” and they all give a collective “ooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”  Well that’s a fine how-do-ya-do.  So I guess this implies that the text Kim “Strait Up G” was trying to read to Jacqueline was from Monica Chacon, who is Juicy’s, ex business partner’s, lawyer’s wife.  The reports in the media state that Teresa went off on Monica like a flaming hyena at the court house.

Kathy and Richie go to visit Albert at the Brownstone for some sage advice on the restaurant business and Albert laughs in their faces.  He explains to them how much sacrifice it takes and how they will basically have no life.  He encourages Kathy to go into the catering aspect as she had originally planned.  She was right all along, leave it to Richie to blow it out of proportion and run around thinking they are going to open a restaurant.  Richie needs to get back to doing what he does best, doing shots with his 14 year old son.

Jacqueline has hired a chef for her party so she can man the crazy train that is about to leave the station and go off the rails.  Teresa and Juicy arrive, and she looks absolutely ridiculous in all her fur.  Juicy is complaining that it takes them too long to open the door.  Wow, Juicy, you really are a fun time.  Teresa gives Jacqueline her version of the dust up with Monica.  Meanwhile, Juicy dishes the dirt to the men and says “she’s f*ckin’ crazy, my wife, she is f*ckin’ really nuts.”  Teresa went off on Monica and he had to pull her away.  Teresa continues to downplay the incident and she tells Jacqueline (brace yourself) that she had to “silence the lamb.”  I cannot even get started on this one, Teresa is too funny, but this statement just reeks of her stupidity.

Melissa and Joe arrive at the gathering.  Everyone is a bit hesitant, we are not sure if there will be a fista cuffs here or what.  Joe comments on how tall Greg is, but it really just shows how short Joe is.  The group seems to take a liking to Melissa and Joe right away and Joe wastes no time embarrassing Melissa.  Teresa and Melissa start talking about Antonia’s recital.  She was the youngest one there (no sht) and Teresa was not there because of the Catskills trip.  So now, we must argue about why Melissa and Joe were not invited on the trip.  Jacqueline is over it and she wants to get the party started.  Christopher is taking photos of Joe showing different emotions and Joe is happy to ham it up for the camera.

Melissa opens up the can of worms and tells the Boys II Manzo’s that Joe will do anything on a dare.  They proceed to dare him to put on Jacqueline’s outfit, which is a sparkly wrestling singlet of some sort.  Joe wastes no time and comes strutting out looking like a bad drag queen on his way to a commitment ceremony on the upper east side.  They make him run and do a kick and now Jacqueline is horrified that she has to put the outfit back on after Joe *ahem* went “commando” in it.  Melissa and Joe seem to be a big hit.  Melissa is chatting about her sisters and Teresa starts up again being a royal snot on a stick.  Caroline puts the kibosh on it and Melissa invites everyone to her Christmas Party.  Juicy asks three times what time it starts.  She finally answers, but you can tell she is more interested in everyone else.  Teresa is not happy about this, but she doesn’t care because she has lots of her own friends.  Lots of them…well Tre maybe you should ask all your friends for furniture this Christmas.

Next week looks good, yet another fista cuffs between Teresa and Kathy and Juicy is going to be confronted by some dude asking for money he is owed.  Monica shows up with Kim “Strait Up G”.  Wow…it’s a festivus for the restuvus.