Bowled Over

Nene is sulking around in her best Mrs. Roper Mumu over the unfortunate events of the night before at the charity event.  NayNay, Nene’s evil twin came out to play and she went full on hood rat.  Although Nene feels justified in her actions, she is still salty about being “met with a damn monster at the top of the hill”, a.k.a Peter and his bitchassiness.  Gregg is in full-blown support mode, saying “mmmm hmmm, mmmm hmmm” as he sips coffee made with toilet water from “metaphor for life” toilet bowl mug.

Gregg-Mug

Meanwhile, across town, Cynthia and Malorie discus the debacle, had Cynthia known that Nene was going to give us “silence of the lambs”, she and her wig would have left little Nene alone.  Cynthia doesn’t want her ol’ hubby getting’ crunk with the girls, he may break a hip.  We flash back to three years ago when Peter got shitty with Nene over the phone, and after the face off in the driveway, Cynthia doesn’t know if she will hear from Nene again.  Cynthia’s mind is ablaze with indecision, on one hand, she is planning a surprise birthday party for Peter, who she isn’t speaking to, and an event for the Bailey Agency for Wayward Models called the “Bailey Bowl”, where all the ladies will converge to compete in a field day.  What to do?  Time to whip out your “Bravo Mandated Event Emergency Planning Guide”, turn to the chapter titled “So, you think you need to abort this mission?”

Kenya and Marlo meet at a local bar and these two have become tighter than Marlo’s Target capri pants.  Kenya shares that she had a horrific case of camel toe and had to change her clothes into some that don’t match.  Wardrobe malfunctions aside, they get down to the gossip and Kenya delivers a re-enactment of the motherf*ckin’ walk off that took place at the charity ball.  She imitates Nene, doing her model walk with a twisted Zoolander face.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton seems to think she can smooth over the mess with Nene since they were besties two seasons ago.

Faces of Nene

Cynthia and her assistant, Satchel, are prepping for Peter’s big surprise Jamaican birthday party.  Peter calls Cynthia and says he cannot make it to the event in question because he is tired and her authentic Jamaican steel drum band arrives in the form of two ol’ white men in Tommy Bahama shirts.  Peter acquiesces to show up at 7 p.m., but runs into Kandi in the parking lot and pretends to be surprised.

Kandi, Cynthia, and Porsha discuss the ass kissin’ charity ball of hell and Cynthia recounts the Nene/Peter face off.  Kenya and Marlo arrive and Kenya is dressed like slutty C3PO.  Gregg and Nene arrive fashionably late and Nene claims NayNay is waiting in the car, but you bet your sweet ass NayNay is waiting in the ladies room ready to deliver an atomic wedgie and a swirlie to any housewife who steps out of line!  Nene and Peter decide to put their beef aside for the moment and air kiss it out.  Kenya asks Nene for a moment alone and Nene skewls Kenya on how to properly “honor” someone at a fake charity party.

Nene stops by Porsha’s house, sporting her barbie pony and scrubs, and she is going to assist Porsha with her part in Kandi’s play.  They talk about digging deep and Nene encourages Porsha to relive her divorce and pull from those emotions.  Acting coaching is officially over and Nene vents to Porsha about her disdain for Kenya.  Porsha couldn’t help but notice the tension and also noted that Marlo and Kenya have gotten really chummy.  Nene calls Marlo an OPPORTUNIST!  [Drink!]  Porsha is shocked that Nene is calling her that since Marlo just stood up as flower girl in Nene’s fake re-wedding.

Kenya and Miss Lawrence have a little kiki and Kenya is planning a trip to Mexico for all of the couples to try and band-aid the issues.  In what world do women travel to foreign countries together in order to force friendships that shouldn’t exist, anywhere, ever?  Kenya recruits Lawrence to come as her plus one and her bodyguard.  This ought to be interesting…

We are treated to a small interstitial of the Parks family with Ayden saying grace before dinner, which is too cute for words.  I usually blast by these one minute interludes due to my itchy fast forward TiVo trigger finger, but this one is truly important.  Ayden explains, “No, we don’t hold hands!  At school when we say graces we don’t hold hands!”  Hey, I don’t blame the kid, I wouldn’t want to hold Apollo’s hand either since he likely spent his afternoon at the tater tot buffet at the strip club.  Ayden is adorable and smart!

It’s the big day of the train wreck “Bailey Bowl”, the ladies arrive in their spandex, sucked in like stuffed sausage.  We have various team names, which are self-identifying, Team Twirl, Team Rich, Team Late Kandi, Team Cynthia (real creative), Team Real, and Team Naked.

Sidebar:  “Naked Hair” is the name of Porsha’s wig line, hence “Team Naked”.

Let the games begin.  The adult field day starts with an egg balancing relay race and Nene is already calling bullshit on the refs.  The teams move outside for more games and Marlo is starting shit with Nene.  More relay races and mass chaos.  Marlo tries to jump on Nene from behind and NayNay ain’t havin’ it.  Nene’s heretofore contained box-o’-crazy has just been blown open.  Marlo corners Lexus and vents about Nene, but Lexus’ eyes are darting around searching for the nearest open bar.  Kenya butts in and drags Marlo over to Nene.  Nene is in her natural state, pissed, and the F-bombs fly and so does Nene’s water bottle in a classic “She by Shereé” move.  Nene looks like she’d rather be having a back alley colonoscopy that be at this Bailey Bowl debacle.  Marlo keeps squawking about how she is hot shit and takes credit for changing Nene’s style?  Gregg escorts Nene away and Marlo is snapping at her ankles like an annoying scurvy dog.  Nene rips her mic off and as she gets into her Land Rover, she mutters something about “Donald Trump gonna make sure this shit happens!”  Yea, because the Trumpster has nothing else going on but washed up Barely Celebrity Apprentice contestant, Nene.  After the dust settles on the playground, Marlo breaks down into tears in Kenya’s arms and the “Bailey Bowl” became the “Bailey Bust” after two events.

Nene-Don't try me

Next week, the talking thumb, Kordell, makes an appearance.  The Mexico trip heats up the tension to a rolling boil.  Kenya asks Porsha about being a beard and looks like Gregg and Uncle Ben go toe to toe.

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You’re Not E-Vited

Keyna and Marlo are having a kiki at Lawrence’s salon while he flat irons Marlo’s weave and rattles off the appropriate prompts to keep the script moving.  Kenya is clearly recruiting Marlo “check my charges” Hampton for Team Kenya.  They discuss the pillow talk party debacle and the ramifications of pissing off the high supreme priestess, Nene Leakes.  Lawrence follows his cue and asks Kenya about her upcoming masquerade ball charity event and Kenya invites Marlo on the spot as an afterthought.  She sent the rest of the women an “E-Vite” and she knows that everyone has read their invitation because she’s one of those psychos that request a read receipt on everything.  Kenya’s plan is to kill Nene with kindness and the charity ball is being held to honor Nene and her favorite charity “Saving our Daughters.”  More on this hot ass mess later…

The Kandi Factory is still auditioning for the musical “A Mother’s Psychosis” and it’s the big day for Porsha.  She proves she cannot stick to a script and uses the word “barbecue” instead of “hot dogs”, wha?  She is more confident in her singing abilities, “Omma singa gospel song, so I know I’m gonna be convicted!”  The only thing being convicted here is the Kandi Factory, for disturbing the peace.  Porsha did better on her singing portion of the audition (a little pitchy, DAWG) and Don Juan had a little barbecue sauce with his crow.

Porsha-Audition

Kenya meets Cynthia at “Bar One Money Pit of Horrors” to interview bachelor’s to be auctioned off at the masquerade charity ball from hell.  Marlo struts in, wearing a micro-mini skirt, and then she obsesses over Kenya’s skeeziks.  Translation, broken off flyaway hairs in the front of her head.  Marlo hocks a luge in her hand and starts grooming Kenya like a monkey at the zoo.  If that wasn’t sad and primal enough, only six men showed up to the audition and they all wanted to take their shirts off.  Cynthia insists that if she had used the “Bailey Agency Modeling School for the Wayward” to promote the event, the turnout would have been vastly improved.  Oh Cynthia, has the coochie crack incident taught you nothing???  You, Kenya, and casting don’t mix.

Marlo-Hair

It’s Porsha’s turn to organize the “Bravo mandated weekly get together to do something ridiculous” and this week it’s roller derby.  Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout!  It’s actually not a bad idea, if any of them could roller skate except for Kenya.  While the ladies strap on their helmets, Kandi announces that Porsha got the part in her musical.  Porsha goes off the rails and is already winning Tony awards in her demented little pea brain and she can’t even remember the name of the character she will play.  Kenya pokes fun at Cynthia for being wobbly on the skates, but gives her props for trying, which is better than the “I never do anything twins.”  We see a camera shot of Phaedra rolling her eyes, about to whip out her whirring breast pump, and Kandi is texting Todd, telling him she’ll be home in a jiffy, put the hot wings on da’ grill!

Kenya is a real bitch on wheels racing around the derby course, but li’l Porsha takes several falls and has to visit the first aid kiosk where some woman sprays Bactene on her shoulder.   They take a break to chat on the resting benches and Kandi brings up the spa scuttlebutt.  Kenya offers the patented half-assed apology and they are all able to laugh about it in retrospect and seem ready to move on to the next drama.

Porsha-Bactene

The next day, Kandi is at home, half-heartedly working out to her complimentary Phine Booty DVD.  Cameron enters the door and Kandi needs no invitation to stop lifting her leg in the air.  Carmon has news, the characters on the street who are bad mouthing Todd to Mama Joyce are none other than Bennie and Crystal.  These two sound like a drug deal gone wrong.  Bennie is an associate of Kandi’s and he dates Crystal, who is a friend of Mama Joyce.  Crystal alleged that she saw Carmon and Todd together.  Carmon called Crystal to rip her a new asshole and then Mama Joyce called Carmon immediately and left a threatening voice mail that basically said “I’ll drag you IN THIS BITCH up and down the street like a rag, you low down heifer!”  Carmon also informs Kandi that Mama offered to pay Benny to take Todd out, get him hammered, and take photos of Todd rubbin’ up on other women.  JESUS TAKE THE WHEL.  Kandi is Krushed, she always had this vision of being one big happy family, but Carmon suggests she “make a new vision.”

Nene visits Cynthia at the “Bailey Hellhouse for Skanky Models”, Cynthia is sporting her Diana Ross realness wig, and Nene has the Barbie ponytail and she appears to be wearing scrubs.  Cynthia discusses the Kenya charity ball of disaster and Nene is hot under the collar, she claims to know nothing about it.  Cynthia explains everything and tries to convince Nene to show up, but Nene doesn’t understand why Kenya has not called her personally.  I’ll tell you why, because f*ck you is why.

Cynthia-Nene-Hair

Kandi and Todd have a heart to heart in the courtyard and she drops the bomb about Mama Joyce’s threatening voice mail and her plan to set up Todd to look like a the low down man-skank that he is not.  Kandi summons Carmon for backup and she confirms the story.  Todd can’t help but laugh, but he has lost all respect for Mama and is sick of Mama effing with Kandi’s head.  Kandi is in defense mode and Todd throws out a veiled threat about ending their relationship if the shit doesn’t stop.  They come to an agreement that Kandi should seek therapy and work on herself in order to deal with the Mama Madness.  Cameron agrees and says “teamwork makes the dream work.”

It’s the night of the poorly attended masquerade ball and Kenya hears from Cynthia that Nene may not be coming due to the fact that she wasn’t properly invited.  Kenya can’t resist kicking a person while they are down, she can’t believe that Nene can’t check her damn e-mail given the fact that she isn’t working right now.  BURN!

Kenya has full hair and makeup done and then puts on a ridiculous Vegas dancer style headdress that looks like it weighs 50 pounds.  Lawrence greets her with an orbital lamp shade floating around his head.  Nene’s handler, Cynthia, is the only cast mate who can make it.  Nene does decide to show up dressed to the nines, chaos in her eyes, and stank face on.  Nene’s buddy, Lexus, the nitrous sucking demon clown, is there in support of Nene only up in this beyotch for the free booze.

Kenya-Bachelor

Kenya gives a speech and calls Nene up to the stage to say a few words.  Gregg prompts her up to the stage and cautions her to choose her words carefully.  She starts off by saying she has such amazing friends that she doesn’t even know about and she thanks “Saving our Daughters” and comments it is one of the many charities that she works with.  Then she pulls a Chris Rock and throws the mic on the floor and walks off.

Mama-not_cool

Kenya starts off the bachelor auction and Peter announces that he wants to leave because he’s upset that Nene couldn’t put her game face on.  They start to walk out, Peter still grumbling and Nene overhearing…annnnnnd wait for it…they are on Nene’s turf now…it’s MOTHERF*CKIN’ FIGHT IN THE DRIVEWAY!  Nene gets up in Peter’s Uncle Ben grill and pops off, while Gregg stands behind Nene and repeats the last three words of everything she says.  Cynthia, stays in her lane, clutching her Charming Charlie spray painted pearls, and Peter does the smartest thing he has ever done and walks away.

Next week, fighting is a team sport.

Kandi Krush

Oh pillow talk melee, how we have missed you!  The group ain’t missin’ a beat, Nene is still screaming at Kenya, blaming her for this whole Lifetime Movie crazy mess, while Apollo decides to stomp toward Brandon for round two.  Maybe this time he will pummel him on the love seat or the drink cart, let’s mix it up a bit.  The production crew has intervened and herded everyone into their respective “time out” corners.  As soon as the crew wraps this puppy up, they are off to collect their hazard pay and grab a drink, or twelve.

Nene decides now is the time to give a speech “we are all freaking adults, this is about asking questions and answering them, it ain’t about getting’ all krunk with fistises and shit!”  What in the fresh hell were you thinking, Nene?  Get a room full of people who nary get along, pour booze down their willing gullets, and then drill for personal details about their relationships like you’ve found the damn glory hole!  This situation is fraught with peril, the only one who is acting like she has a remote ounce of sense is Porsha.  She decides to bounce with her assisterant and head home to make sure the dog’s tutus are securely in place.

Christopher apologizes to Nene and takes the floor, he’s pissed off that Kenya disrespected his wife and we are pissed that he is wearing an L.L. Bean lumberjack shirt.  Why isn’t he half-naked or in footie pajama’s like the rest of the crew?  Now that the Brandon beating dust has settled, Kandi decides that this is the moment to make it known that she didn’t appreciate Natalie saying things about Todd.  Hmm…what “things”, did she call him an OPPORTUNIST???  There is that Godforsaken word again!  Natalie clarifies, she never said “opportunist”, she did clarify the dirt that Cynthia was digging up and said he was a cheater, a hustler, knew how to swerve, etc.  First off, I love how Natalie talks about Todd like he isn’t sitting right there and I love how she seems to think that her clarification is an improvement over calling him an “opportunist”.  Cynthia, realizing that her fibrosis sympathy back stage pass is no longer valid, tries to back pedal and say that Natalie also had a lot of great things to say about Todd.  Kandi doesn’t appreciate Cynthia getting’ all up in her shiz, waving her modely finger at her, so Cynthia tries to direct her comments toward Todd.  Then Peter inserts himself between Cynthia and Todd. 

Kandi-fight

Kandi is pissed, “he’s buckin’ up his chest at me, like he gonna do somethin’?”  Peter keeps yelling “you know the rules” and it turns into another full-blown fisticuffs.  Malorie gets involved and actually shoves Todd and Kandi.  Peter keeps mumbling shit like he has rocks in his mouth, I can’t tell if he’s hammered or if he got his jaw jacked somewhere during the fight.  Todd drags Kandi off the scene and Malorie is threatening to beat her ass.  WTF, since when does Malorie have a dog in this fight?  Kandi is going buck wild, “I will DRAG YOU IN THIS BITCH!”  Meanwhile, Nene’s friend Lexus has the right idea.  She sits quietly on the cushy couch, sucking down the free vodka like it’s black tar heroin.

Kandi-drag_you

Phaedra comforts Kandi in the bathroom and back in the suite Peter is trying to have a “man to man” with Todd.  Nene is still bewildered at how this happened.  Everyone disburses and as Apollo walks out, he says “that’s not how I roll” and Phaedra replies, “well that’s not how I roll!”  You can tell by her patented Phaedra tone that she is ready to whoop his ass.

The next day, we are treated to dueling scenes between the groups breaking down their interpretation of events in their respective kitchens.  Kandi breaks it all down, pretty well, to her assistant, Carmon.  Carmon gets a chuckle out of it and says Kandi was acting like Mama Joyce, but Kandi admits it was worse and plans to apologize to everyone.

At Cynthia and Peter’s, Nene and Gregg stop by to hash it all out and Cynthia has it completely twisted.  Cynthia delivers an impression of Kandi gettin’ all up in her grill, which actually didn’t happen.  It was a closer impression to Apollo’s flailing fists of fury.  Peter says it was “a full episode of Jerry Stringer jumpin’ off”.  Yes Peter, especially the part where you held Brandon down so Apollo could Rodney King his ass.

Cynthia-Impersonation

Brandon stops by Kenya’s place to show off his shiner and his broken rib.  All Brandon recalls is Apollo sitting on top of him “like a light skinned gorilla” and Kenya thinks he had a prison flashback.  Brandon has a police report and thinks he “holds all the cards” because a cracked rib is an automatic felony.  Brandon decides he won’t press charges because Phaedra and Apollo have a family and he is thinking of their sons.  It won’t matter anyway because Apollo is going to grey bar hotel for ID theft, he will feel right at home.

At Phaedra’s place, there is a lot of tension between her and Apollo.  He tries to make light of it, calling it “ridiculous” and he didn’t expect someone to walk into his flailing fists of fury windmill!  Do these assholes not realize that ALL OF THIS NUTBAGGERY IS ON VIDEO?!?!  Apollo is packing up his li’l bastard identity theft kit into his busy bee backpack while he tries to justify pummeling Brandon.  Phaedra ain’t buyin’ what this con man is peddling.  Phaedra blames Kenya for the melee because she got out of her seat and started the shit, heck Phaedra didn’t want to go to the party in the first place!  Then she derails off on to some subject about people who have fluffy footie pajama fetishes, or some CRAZY ASS SHIT.  Apollo offers a half-assed Apollo-gy to his wife, but little does she know at this moment, this is the least of their worries.

Well the show must go on, so Kandi arrives at her open casting call for the musical, “A Mother’s Unhinged Psychosis Love”  Don Juan warns the judging panel that it’s an open call so everyone will blow ass.  They run through a medley of horrid singers and only find about two talented people.  Meanwhile across town, Porsha preps for her audition by singing and doing high kicks.  This is hardly worth mentioning, but it provides a tempering transition before the OFFICIAL BRAVO PRODUCER MANDATED RE-RE-RE-HASH, SORTA MAKE UP, BUT NOT REALLY, SORRY NOT SORRY SESH…

And the day has arrived, Kandi summons everyone to a spa for a day of rehashing the pillow talk events gone awry.  Because nothing says “hey, let’s work it out” like changing into hot pink gym uniforms, getting a group massage, and then flying into a blind rage over some green tea.  Cynthia and Phaedra forego the massage and Nene is dreading the whole day and mentions that Brandon was the only one who reached out to her.  However, she is pissed that he somehow got her top secret number.  (Ahem…Kenya).  Phaedra says something off the rails again and says she heard that at this particular spa during the massage, they “put their toes in your butt”.  Nene tacks on by mentioning an herbal vagina cleansing thingie.  W.T.F.???

Everyone finishes up their treatments and they settle in for some green tea and shade.  Kandi apologizes for her behavior right off the bat, but Nene has to have her moment so she bitches out Kenya a bit.  Cynthia raises her hand to wait for her turn, then like a floating, loose tea bag in a seething cauldron of rage, she whirls around and goes after Kandi.  It goes off the rails quickly and flashbacks of the video tape back-up Kandi’s recollection of events.  Cynthia doesn’t apologize for her own actions, but apologizes on behalf of Malorie pushing Kandi.  Phaedra cuts the tension by saying “I hate it when my tea bag breaks in my water”.  Kenya is pissed that Phaedra is ignoring the issue and thinks she will probably “pull out a breast pump next”.  Haha, glad Kenya picked up on that classic Phaedra “F*ck you, get out of my face” move.  Phaedra begins to address her hubby’s actions, but falls short.  She says something about “black women” and “stereotypes” and wraps it up with “Don’t write checks that your butt can’t cash.”

Argue-spa

Kenya stops Phaedra and says Brandon didn’t deserve it (he didn’t), Nene jumps in and says Kenya started it by “jumping out of her seat with her diaper on” (not really, she casually strolled toward Natalie and if Kenya jumped, I think her outfit would have come apart).  They start getting loud and everyone else is embarrassed that these bitches can’t use their indoor irrational skank voices within the confines of the spa.  Kenya is appalled that no one will come to her defense, but she has to realize she has burned many bridges.  Everyone has had enough of this nonsense and they leave the spa, completely not relaxed!