Go Scratch

It’s part two of the RHNJ reunion and these bitches be stacked, packed, and ready to attack.  OHAC addresses some rumors that have been out and about in the media.  Melissa refutes her “lady pond” rumor and Teresa refutes the Juicy rumors about affairs and illegitimate children.  I am sure women are lining up to get with Juicy, he’s such an amazing old troll.  Viewers are obsessed with Caroline’s chameleon hair and she admits she is “hair impaired”.  We are treated to a walk down memory lane and one of the best moments on the show, when Caroline kicked Kim G. out of Melissa’s house.  OHAC addresses that moment and of course, Teresa can’t stay out of it.  She has to jump in and try to make it about her and says she had Caroline’s back when it came to Kim G.  Hate to break it to ya’ Tre, but Caroline Manzo can hold her own.  She doesn’t need some flaky bat bag to “have her back.”

Many of the viewer questions come at Caroline with both barrels, but as usual, she handles it like a champ.  Teresa is smirking because Caroline is getting pummeled for being a butt-in-ski.  The discussion goes on to the rift between Caroline and her sister Dina.  We don’t really get too much information here, but Teresa has something to do with it.  Caroline insinuates that Teresa has put ideas in Dina’s head about Caroline and Jacqueline.  Caroline has e-mails and text messages that prove Teresa was involved in this.  My guess is that when Dina left the show, she probably didn’t want anything to do with the people that are still on it, even if it’s her own family.  Hell…Dina has that disgusting hairless cat, Grandma Wrinkles, (who allegedly smells like bacon, I might add) to be there when the going gets tough.  She don’t need no stinkin’ Caroline.

Teresa is reveling in this because she is one sick bitch.  Melissa jumps in and calls her out on the crap, but Teresa the tornado just talks over her to avoid being accountable for her actions.  Caroline implies that Teresa has been changed by the fame, but Teresa maintains that she is “as real as they come.”  Wow, it’s getting deep in here, someone get my hip waders.

Next we revisit the whole Assley mishigas.  Caroline discusses how hurt they all were by Assley, and Jacqueline needs to work through the guilt she feels.  Caroline says that Assley has attitude like she’s never seen, really…never would have guessed.  She said Assley needs to beat herself up a bit and that it’s happening now.  If Assley is out in L.A., she will surely be chewed up and spit out like ground up turkey gizzards.

OHAC asks Kathy about brass knuckle Rosie.  We come to find out that Rosie and Joe were actually very close.  Hmm…interesting.  We reflect on Kathy’s stint on the show and we are reminded how Kathy rides her bike to the market while reciting her shopping list… “clams, strawberries…”  I am not sure how clams are going to transport in that bike basket, but you gotta hand it to her, she puts out a mean spread.  OHAC asks Kathy about Victoria and how she is different due to the fact that she survived a brain tumor when she was 10.  As Kathy responds, leave it to Tre to butt in and say how she was at the hospital every day when it happened.  Now, I think we have just entered the twilight zone.  Teresa says that Victoria has touched her life because ever since Victoria’s brain tumor happened, she has always kept a positive attitude and she doesn’t take petty things so seriously.  Everyone is looking at her like the nut bag that she is.  OHAC points out that it seems that she has actually gotten quite derailed by a lot of the small stuff, such as, the housewarming card and the sprinkle cookies.  Oh geez, OHAC…DON’T GO THERE, have we taught you nothing?!?!?!

Teresa starts talking about how she distened herself from Kathy and Richie because he was always bustin’ her chops.  OHAC corrects her about three times, he repeats the word “distanced”, but she ain’t gettin’ it.  Kathy points out how Juicy Joe would always laugh at the jokes Richie made at Teresa’s expense.  Sorry Tre, it’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re wearing milk bone underwear!

OHAC, master of the segue, states the one word not to be used in Teresa’s presence is “unattended.”  Oy vey, put your seatbelts on, it’s gonna go wild up in here.  OHAC explores the “unattended” comment and you can see Caroline just seething.  It erupts like Mt. St. Helen and Kathy goes off.  Caroline piles on and tells Teresa that Kathy was being a good cousin by protecting Adriana at the Christening and Teresa should be thanking her.  I sincerely hope by the end of this show, they will all realize they are getting nowhere fast with Teresa.  She is always right in her delusional thinking and Bravo should give her a show:  “Planet Asshole” starring Teresa Guidice.

Kathy totally puts Teresa on blast by saying that Teresa wrote nasty things about her in her blog after they made up.  Teresa called her sneaky and manipulative and Tre admits it.  They start to argue about Christmas Eve.  Again, we go off the rails, and Teresa is pissed off because she only had an hour with her family and she wanted the whole night.  Caroline screams at her and says she should be grateful for the time she had with them and calls her selfish.  This has now gone full-blown fista cuffs!  Teresa starts yelling at Melissa for talking crap when she got to Kathy’s on Christmas Eve and Melissa brings up the “raccoon face” comment Juicy made about her.  Teresa says he was talking about Kathy.  As if that is supposed to make it better, or acceptable?  Kathy wasn’t even there, he was talking about Melissa and she knows it.  Teresa is so full of shit, her eyes are brown.

OHAC says, rather diplomatically, “it seems like you have a firm stance on your point of view, it’s hard for you to hear people, things are explained to you over and over, and you dig in on your stance.”  The discussion continues to blow up and Teresa says “time heals all wounds”, but yet her and Kathy are in a good place.

Caroline and Melissa are ready to leave.  OHAC addresses comments Teresa made in her blog about Melissa.  We take another stroll down memory lane and revisit the competitive nature of the Teresa/Melissa dynamic.  They try to address the copy catting issue, of course Teresa cannot give any examples and it doesn’t apply to her if she copies Melissa.  Melissa answers a question about Joe being engaged twice before meeting her.  She says the girls left Joe because they couldn’t get along with Teresa.  They detour back to the copying thing and Teresa starts comparing their weddings and Christenings.  Teresa makes about as much sense as a paraplegic lap dancer.

OHAC presses on with all the incisive, hard-hitting questions.  He asks Teresa if she regrets anything she said about Melissa.  Li’l Tre Tre doesn’t get it and she starts talking about all the things Melissa said about her.  Then OHAC clarifies the question and Teresa asks Melissa what she should regret saying about her.  Melissa whips out her i-phone and starts running through her list of rotten shit Teresa said about her.

Melissa said she regretted saying “we pay our bills” because it implied that Teresa and Juicy didn’t.  No regrets Melissa, you merely speak the truth.  OHAC discusses the feud between Juicy and Joe.  Melissa says that Juicy was always hypercritical of Joe and that always hurt him because Joe looked up to Juicy.

Next, we address Juicy using gay slurs.  Teresa of course, defends him and it’s no big deal, he says it all the time.  OHAC asks why Juicy has no awareness of what he is saying on camera.  Caroline acknowledges that he doesn’t mean it with any malice, it’s more that he’s not informed, not educated, or it’s his simple mind.  Teresa says…“it’s not un-ducated!”  Wow…just wow.  OHAC says he hammers the point home because it’s on national television for all to see and Teresa’s daughters are being taught this to be acceptable language to use.  You better believe that little Milania is going to get her ass handed to her one day.  If she is already calling Juicy and “old troll”, it’s only a matter of time before she uses a gay slur on the playground to the wrong kids and a few boys hold her down and do her hair.

We address the drunken Juicy doing the cartwheel and chipping his tooth.  (Which, was probably the best moment of the season).  Teresa was not embarrassed by this behavior at all.  We next revisit Milania’s birthday party where G to the ia sang her song for Tre and Joe.  This sends Caroline into a tailspin because she thinks that it was completely inappropriate for Teresa to allow G to the ia to be involved in this feud.  Caroline knows it’s not her business, but she felt that allowing G to the ia to sing that song at the birthday party was a disgrace.  Kathy agrees that Teresa should have read the song first.  Teresa insists that G to the ia wanted to surprise them.  Kathy has to remind Tre that she is the parent and Caroline tells Teresa she used G to the ia as a tool.  Teresa tells Caroline to “go scratch” and Caroline scratches her ass and tells her what she did to G to the ia was tragic.  Wow, that Caroline may look all prim and proper, but she can pack a punch like Sonny Liston.

The discussion winds down with a question about what family means to each of them.  Caroline gets a wee bit emotional talking about the issue with Dina again, but she has faith that they will reconcile eventually.  Caroline says that Teresa was only an acquaintance, not a friend.  Teresa says after ten years, see how people turn like that…then she whispers to Kathy, “beware.”  OY VEY!

I said it before, and I’ll say it again…Teresa, you had us on your side at the Christening.  Somewhere, you took a wrong turn, you went horribly awry.  If I could choke you out through my television set, I would.  OHAC really just needs to shitcan her ass.  I know she is controversial and gets ratings, but I think the chemicals from her Brazilian blowout have seeped into her pea brain.  Wow, 21 of these shows, seems like a lifetime!  Either that or Teresa has just completely depleted my energy with all of this kerfuffle!

I look forward to the Real Housewives of Hotlanta coming soon.  Everybody knows…Teresa makes NeNe Leakes look like a day at the beach.  Until then…

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Whirlwind of Stupid

Our favorite host, Andy Cohen, mastermind behind Bravo original programming, welcomes us to the Count Basie Theater so the Jersey Housewives can re-hash the entire season three debacle.

OHAC (Our Host Andy Cohen) points out that Jacqueline is MIA.  The cast is in the midst of shooting season four and, well…there was an incident.  Caroline speaks on Jacqueline’s behalf and says Jacqueline feels betrayed and hurt and she would rather have a gasoline enema than come to the reunion and look at Teresa.  Hmmm… somethin’ is a-cookin’ up!  Nice tease Andy Cohen, MBBOP (mastermind behind Bravo original programming).  Teresa’s response is that Jacqueline started something, she should finish it, bring it on baby.  Teresa has really worn out her welcome, she laughs about the mystery altercation, accuses Caroline and Jacqueline of attacking her and then she “won’t go there because that’s fourth season…”  I find it ironic how Teresa will keep deflecting these conversations as if the airings of the episodes will somehow vindicate her and everyone will see how right she is.  The queen of delusion must be watching a different show because with every episode I watch, she digs herself deeper into her shithole.

We take a walk down memory lane to discuss loyalty.  We get a quick recap of the ever-turning Jersey worm as Teresa inches her way under the skin of everyone.  OHAC turns the conversation towards the infamous cookbook introduction.  Teresa breaks out her best backpedal and deflect and she is really being a flaming shit-heel to Caroline.  Teresa starts in about Caroline and Jacqueline “jumping ship” on their friendship and Caroline says the cookbook was the icing on the cake.  I really don’t know what Teresa expects here, you trash-talk everyone in the INTRODUCTION TO YOUR COOKBOOK, and then act shocked when they are pissed off.  She keeps telling them it’s a joke, well Tre, as Judge Judy would say “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining!”

OHAC reflects on the last reunion when Teresa shoved him down like a rag doll while she screamed at Danielle.  Another brilliant Teresa move, shove the man who butters your bread because you feel the need to attack your cast mate.  Apparently, the Teresa fury was stirred up because Danielle took a pot shot about the fact that Teresa did not visit Melissa and newborn baby Joey in the hospital.  Melissa jumps in and the discussion goes off the rails quickly.  Melissa exposes all the things Teresa said to her to deter her from going on the show.  Teresa warned Melissa that everyone would make fun of her forehead.  At this point, Teresa couldn’t make sense if she wanted to.  Teresa tries to make it about her again and says she was upset because Kathy and Melissa went on the show without telling her.  Without telling her????  HUH??  Then she says they went behind her back.  Kathy making desserts behind Teresa’s back, the NERVE.  And that Melissa, who the f*ck does she think she is, singing behind Teresa’s back.

OHAC takes us down another road in memory lane to hell and we arrive at the momentous Christening.  Teresa whimpers her crocodile tears and acts for a second as if she has remorse.  Melissa laments that it will always be the memory of her son’s Christening.  Melissa adds that Joe felt that Teresa had changed due to being on the show and she didn’t invite them to the premiere party of season two.  Once again, Teresa ricochets it around and it’s Melissa’s fault.  If she were a “good wife”, she would have called Teresa to make sure they were invited.  The term “delusional dill-hole” comes to mind.

OHAC asks Teresa a viewer question about weather or not G to the ia has seen the episodes.  Teresa says “she didn’t have to see it, she lived it.”  Caroline pipes up to add that Teresa did let G to the ia watch it at Chris and Jacqueline’s.  Then, Caroline drops the mutha of all bombs up in dis’ bee-yotch.  She says Teresa told her that she didn’t want to make up with her brother, “he’s an asshole”.  At this point, Teresa about loses her shit and calls Caroline a freakin’ liar and pathetic.  Caroline sits, with unwavering conviction, “I am not a liar.”  It’s a good ol’ Jersey standoff!

OHAC explores the language used on the show including some of our favorites, “bot’ a yous”, “saved a wench like me”, “work ethnic”, “ingredientzes”, etc.  We revisit Melissa and Joe’s flashiness and how Melissa developed her passion for singing.  OHAC asks Teresa what she thinks of Melissa’s signing and Kathy’s cooking, of course, Teresa thinks she inspired both of them.

Next, we address the “gold-digger” comments Teresa made about Melissa.  Gold digger isn’t that bad.  When you really boil it down, a gold-digger is just like a hooker, only smarter!  Teresa calls Melissa a bitch and says, “we were at a good place, why are you going there?”  Where exactly is a good place for Teresa?

We take a few moments to reflect on Teresa’s financial woes and her insult to Jewish people everywhere.  She must like the taste of dirt because every time she opens her mouth, she inserts her foot.  Her comment implied that Jewish people don’t hold the sanctity of marriage in high regard unless there is money involved.  OHAC also points out how Teresa once again overspent on holiday gifts for the children in the midst of all of her financial mishigas.

They discussed how Teresa kept smiling through all of her pain, and of course, she takes it as an insult.  They discuss the furniture auction and Teresa says that someone came to the house to take pictures because it was alleged that they had Picasso paintings that were worth…ahem…$50,000.00.  Wow, just wow.  OHAC quickly points out that a Picasso would be worth about $50 million.  Teresa says Juicy Joe would never go for that and OHAC gets line of the night #1 “well, I don’t think he could, with all due respect.”  AC, Layin’ down da’ smack!

OHAC puts Teresa on blast and asks her about her promise to pay back $8 million instead of filing bankruptcy.  He also points out that withdrawing from bankruptcy saved Tre and Juicy both from going to jail.  Teresa delivers an emphatic “NO”, and OHAC points out that they may have been found guilty of bankruptcy fraud, which is a federal offense.  Teresa maintains that is not what they were charged with.  Melissa adds that it is all public knowledge.  I guess Teresa should Google herself.  OHAC asks how long they have to pay it back and Tre says she doesn’t know.  OHAC delivers line of the night #2, “you…you should look into that.”

Next on the agenda is Joe and how he got into buying and selling homes.  Of course, it is because Teresa’s wonderful hubby, Juicy, showed him how and he is the reason for Joe’s success.  Melissa states that if Joe heard that he would go ape shit.  Then Teresa turns to Kathy and says that’s how Richie got into it.  Kathy tells her to not go there and says if she does, “you won’t like what you find out, so I think you should just zip it.”  Melissa clears it up by saying that Teresa didn’t want anyone to know how they were making their money because they didn’t want anyone else to succeed at it.  Teresa talks about how Juicy Joe would be the most forthcoming, helpful individual to anyone who asks.  Really Tre, what planet are you livin’ on?

Melissa wraps it up and puts a ribbon on it and says, “basically anything that anyone has ever done good in their life has come from Teresa and Joe.”  OHAC discussed how Juicy Joe may go to prison for obtaining a fraudulent drivers license.  If convicted, Fatboy be lookin’ at 18 months to 10 years in prison.  Now there’s a reality show!  With a name like Juicy Joe in prison, it has to be good.

Teresa refuses to discuss any of her legal issues further.  OHAC turns to Caroline Manzo, Voice of Reason…she shares her opinion and Teresa jumps all over her like a rabid howler monkey and Caroline tells her to relax.  We are treated to one of our favorite Teresa blunders “I’m calm and cool as a whistle.”  OHAC looks perplexed… “cool as a whistle?”  Caroline tells Teresa to shut up and listen and Caroline feels like she is getting dumber by the minute, she’s in a whirlwind of stupid.  Teresa tells her to take her own advice and Caroline agrees, she should have taken her own advice and cut Teresa out of her life two years ago.  DAAAAMMMMNNN!

Part two promises to be juicier than a pumped up porterhouse on human growth hormone, as the wheels come off this Jersey jalopy!  AC has a ratings juggernaut on his hands here and he doesn’t care who he has to hurt in the process.  Now get out of his way so he can go burn some of his money.

The Olive Garden of Good and Evil

We pick up where we left off with Melissa trying on some clothes with her contraband stylist.  Teresa calls her to find out what she is wearing for family picture night.  We hear Teresa on the speakerphone and it sounds like she hit the redial button, but she tells Melissa it’s her fax machine.  Who in the hell is faxing Teresa?  Meital, the stylist is happy that Melissa didn’t spill the beans to Teresa about being there because she said Teresa wouldn’t be happy.  So now Mellissa has stolen her stylist.  Meital seems to think that Teresa is intimidated by Melissa.  Even the help can see Teresa’s psychosis.

Chris Manzo’s brother Jaime is visiting and plans to try to talk sense into Assley.  Jaime is the “black sheep” of his side of the family.  Jaime looks a bit like Chris Manzo if he were dipped in whiskey and smoked through a crack pipe.  They are all chatting in the kitchen where all good arguments with Assley come to an end and Assley shows Jaime her tattoo of a swallow.  He gives her some advice about the tattoo and tells her to call it a sparrow.  OY!  She then reveals she got another tattoo on her foot while the parents were scuffin’ it out in Punta Cana.  Chris thinks it looks like someone shit on her foot.  Jaime is actually pretty funny, he says “so you’re gonna take all your crap, go to California and just sit there and say ‘Hi! I’m Assley Holmes!’”  Yes, Jaime that is the long and shit of it.  Jacqueline starts in on her about her location and how it’s not going to change anything.  It’s like the old saying “wherever you go, there you are.”  Assley immediately starts sobbing and runs out.  Jaime is giving his opinion about her laziness as Assley walks back in to the kitchen and of course step-dad Chris comes to her rescue and says she can stay in the house.  Jacqueline buries her face in her oversized wine glass and doesn’t plan on coming out.

Back at the Wakile’s, Victoria is getting ready for her big dance.  Kathy is super emotional, she’s a hot ass mess over this.  Victoria’s date, Paulie arrives and Richie can’t wait to bust his balls.  He’s asking questions and he takes out a nutcracker and he asks Paulie Walnuts if he’s ever had broken nuts.  Victoria comes down the stairs and Richie is furious about the dress being so short and tells her she needs to put jeans on.

At the Giudice’s, the photographer arrives and Papa Gorga was at the optometrist, so the poor guy doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.  This guy is workin’ that surly like nobody’s bidness.  Now the photographer, Linda Marie, she is a party in a glass.  She’s ready to have some fun wrangling Papa Gorga and the kids.  G to the ia goes outside to greet Melissa and Joe and Audriana manages to lock them out, how could that happen when Audriana is under constant supervision?  Joe is talking to Papa and they are very concerned for his health.  We have a flashback to the Christening and boy was Joe out of his ever-lovin’ mind back on that fateful day.  He has really grown on me since the shows have aired and Teresa has de-volved right off the rails.

Joe wants to get Papa a drink, but G to the ia cuts him off before they can get to the wine.  Teresa asks Melissa to help her dress Audriana.  What is funny here is that Audriana seems to take to Melissa quite well.  Teresa launches a jet stream of bullshit out of her mouth about how she loves Joe and Melissa, blah, blah, blah.  Melissa is taking it in and Teresa is totally pissed that Audriana keeps reaching for Melissa to hold her.  Even her kids can’t stand her anymore!

Teresa rounds up the kids with her irrational skank voice.  The photographer starts wrangling Poppa Gorga with a feather duster, saying he farted and making monkey noises.  The Gorga boys are all dressed alike with their black hats and silver crosses.  Milania stalks off and Teresa lures her back by threatening not to take her to see…ahem…Justin BEAVER.  Kathy provides a narrative, waxing philosophical about the meaning of family.

Kathy and Richie are now in some sort of tent where all the kids have gathered to leave before their dance.  Kathy makes a startling revelation, she doesn’t want a career, she wants to be a mom and celebrate all the little moments with them, their first prom, first heartbreak, opening a can of tuna fish…I guess that’s when she will have the “Did you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?” talk with Victoria.  Ugg…I just threw up in my mouth.

Back at the photo shoot, the family sits down for dinner.  Juicy is actually behaving tonight.  Hey doughboy – you go man…just do you!  Teresa goes on and on, she will do whatever it takes to make her relationship with her family work.  Joe gives a nice toast, smiles all around!

Could we possibly be ending the season on a high note???  Not so fast…feast your meatballz on this:

The Boyz II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg sit down with Caroline and Lauren to have a nice breakfast.  Lauren says she saw Teresa’s new cookbook “Fabuvicious” and Teresa is cookin’ up more than just some Italian ingredientzes.  This bee-yotch be cookin’ up some major trouble.  Teresa rags about how Caroline deep-fries her meatballs.  Caroline calmly explains that the proper way to make a meatball is to pan fry it.  Agreed.  Greg says “Teresa, what’s your BEEF?”

Kathy and Richie browse through the cookbook and there is a section where Teresa wrote that she wishes her cousin would stop making lame jokes about her.  Kathy is puzzled, whom could Teresa be referring to?  Kathy?  Richie?  NOT BRASS KNUCKLE ROSIE?!?!?  If Teresa was putting Rosie on blast, you can bet your last dollar that Rosie would lay her out like her grandma’s pajamas.

Kathy speculates that Teresa put those disparaging things in the cookbook in order to sell more books based on gossip and skirmish.  Richie lines the garbage can with the pages of the cookbook.

Meanwhile, Melissa tells her sister Lysa that Teresa wrote in the cookbook that “her baby sister in law copies off of her from the shoes she wears to the chairs on her front porch.”  Really Tre, this all you got bitch?  I swear, this is bag-o-bats crazy Teresa at her finest.  Melissa doesn’t want to get involved in the triangle that is Joe and Teresa and she says “I have seed my way out of it.”  Oh Melissa, you make me smile.  Allow me to translate:  This is an A and B conversation, so C your way out of it, Melissa.

Teresa is lugging in the framed family portrait, barking at the kids to follow her.  Audriana is wandering around in front of the house behind the bushes where there is a homeless man drinking hose water.  But Teresa would NEVER leave her children unattended.  Now Milania is playing WWF with Audriana on the ottoman, stepping on her back, jumping on the couch, but they are never left unattended.  Teresa shows Jacqueline the portrait and leaves to go find her hammer, G to the ia tells Jacqueline that Melissa controls Joe.  Sounds like Teresa talkin’.

Jacqueline is upset because Assley is causing stress and she is breaking out.  She is applying makeup while Teresa yammers on about what a bad friend she has been.  Actually, that is the only honest statement that has come out of this miscreant’s mouth for the past 19 episodes.  Teresa feigns interest in Jacqueline’s problems and tries to give her some half-assed advice.  Well sit you half-ass down Tre, it’s about to get pummeled by the lynch mob you insulted in the INTRODUCTION TO YOUR COOK BOOK!

Back at the Manzo’s, Lauren continues to read from the book of Fabuvicious, “Caroline is as Italian as the Olive Garden.”  Sassy Greg gives a “AWWW….Hell NO!”  Caroline says it’s bizarre that Teresa never mentioned this stuff to her before the book came out.  Caroline recognizes that the tides have changed.  Lauren says “so then she ends the introduction…”  The Boyz II Manzo’s scream in unison… “That’s the INTRODUCTION?!?!?”  This is getting juicy…she ends the introduction by saying “I am a big fan of Caroline Manzo, even if she is only 1/16 Italian, or whatever she is.”  At this point, you can just see the smoke coming out of Caroline’s ears.  Christopher says “I wonder who did the math on that.”  And Greg gets line of the night:  “Maybe their accountant!”  Now that’s funny!

Lauren then drops the ultimate bomb and reads the part about how Teresa doesn’t condone a stripper carwash, which was Christopher’s idea earlier in the series.  Lauren does a spot on impression of Teresa by saying “it was a joke…get it?”

Jacqueline puts Teresa on a gentle blast about the comments in the book about Caroline.  Teresa does exactly what Lauren said, acted like it was a joke and then changes the subject saying she called Caroline twice, and she didn’t call back, and look at her mother of 4 and she had time to call.  Teresa, put a scuzzy, toe-jam ridden sock in it!

Caroline is disappointed in Teresa, but she went after Christopher, and we all know when you go after the Boyz II Manzo’s, Mama Manzo ain’t havin’ it.

Teresa actually has the ballz to say to Jacqueline that they are being too sensitive and she is getting mad because they are nit-picking every little thing.  Really Miss Tre?  Nobody can use the word “unattended” or “detached” in front of you or you’ll snap like Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.  Now that’s normal.  Is she for f*cking serious right now?!?!

We end the episode with the little recap of where they are now:

Jacqueline:  Assley still lives at home, she has no job, and has legally changed her name to Asslee.  That makes it better.  Maybe next year she will be Assleigh.  Jacqueline is still tyring to keep da’ peace!  She’d be better off trying to play hockey in a sandbox.

Teresa:  Compares herself to Lucille Ball because she is so damn funny.  She has taken complete & utter delusion and absolute & total f*ckery to a new level.  Her second book spent one week on the NY Times bestseller list.  Juicy abandoned his bankruptcy filing and Teresa is workin’ da’ pole to bring home da’ bacon.

Kathy:  Kathy is still hoping to open a dessert company by using Richie’s deep, dark chocolate cake bank roll.  She has vowed never to use the word “unattended” in Teresa’s presence.  Good call Kath, that would just be uncivilized.

Melissa:  “On Auto tune Display” reached #14 on the I-Tunes dance chart.  She and Joe just celebrated baby Joey’s 1st birthday with their in-laws, and the dead-beat Guidice’s didn’t show.

Caroline:  Is Caroline done with Teresa?  Does a fish have a water tight asshole?  You Betcha!  Caroline hopes to take her radio show to the Big Apple and she hopes Teresa learns the recipe for friendship.

DAAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNNNNN!  The reunion is going to be:  A) EPIC, B) Kerfuffle at its finest, so I will C) you then!

Rub One Out

We pick up right where we left off with Tre and Juicy still harping about Kathy’s comments and Tre seems to be really bothered that Kathy used the word “detached”.  Juice man says “detached, what does she know…detached wha!?!?”  These two are severely detached, from reality.  Richie goes into the men’s room to pacify Juicy and in his private comments to the camera, Richie says he thinks Teresa was dropped on her head too many times as a baby.  The guys are freshening up and Richie has used up all the paper towels so Juicy has to wipe his face with his schweddy shorts.  Ewwww…a collective ewwww.

Chris and Jacqueline take a walk on the beach to get away from the drama.  The Boyz II Manzos and their sassy roommate Greg also take a stroll while they enjoy their cigars.  They wander over by the bathrooms and they are trying to spy on Tre in the bathroom as she changes into her post dust-up swimsuit.  They all migrate to the bar and Teresa starts whirling like a C3PO dervish.  The Boyz II Manzos tease her and say she looks like an Oscar, they want to hold her in their arms and thank their parents.  All she is really missing from her outfit is a pole.

Back on the beach at the bonfire, Melissa is siding with Kathy and they continue to carry on about the argument.  Jacqueline asks Teresa what the hell is going on, but Tre is not getting to the root of her problem.  The gang lines up for some Dominican porridge and Teresa is acting like everything is peachy keen.  Richie uses the bonfire as a metaphor for the Kathy/Teresa argument.  “If you keep adding wood, it’s gonna burn, so just piss on it and move on.”  Well said, Richie, well said.  Joe and Melissa vow not to get involved and Kathy and Richie leave the gathering and call it a night.

Juicy starts being a total chachbag and he asks Joe “what’s the capital of Thailand?”  Then he says “BANGCOCK” and punches Joe in the nutz.  Joe is okay because Tarzan knew it was coming and he quickly pulled a bob and weave maneuver.  Then they get into the debate about which Joe is taller.  Turns out, they are the same height.  Joe challenges Juicy to measure their “Tarzan” parts, but Juicy is not up for it.  He would rather see who could do the best cartwheel and finish it off with a face plant.  Teresa and Joe keep knockin’ back the sauce, get all sappy, and hug it out.  The war is over, until they sober up and start another petty argument.

Albert is comforting Caroline in bed the next day as she is getting over her migraine.  He gives her the beach party drama in a coconut shell.  They agree that Tre has taken things out of context once again and if Teresa doesn’t cool her jets, Caroline may miss the entire vacation due to another migraine.

Meanwhile, in the Gorga’s room, Joe is trying to encroach on Melissa’s shower time.  He gets in the shower and we hear her say repeatedly “Noooo!”  Joe…no means no man!  The Boyz II Manzos come in to pick up Joe for the big golf outing, but he is still in the shower trying to coerce his wife to do something that he says “if you do it right, it takes 3 seconds.”  Nothing to brag about Joe, nothing to brag about!  Christopher is lurking around the corner with a giant stick of bamboo and Melissa runs out of the shower shrieking and we are treated to the Full Monty by Joe!  He is not at all self-conscious and he stands there like “c’mon…” and Melissa is mortified.  The Boyz II Manzos are cracking up because Joe has no shame.  Geez Joe, can you give her 5 minutes alone to wash the sand out of her ass crack?!?!?

Back at the other Villa, Teresa is whirling around like a dervish again, but this time in a blinding hot pink dress.  New from Mattel, it’s PSYCHO BARBIE!  Caroline has about had it with Teresa’s antics.  The men go off to the golf course and they are horsing around on the carts and Joe is dropping his pants.  Juicy can’t hit the ball to save his life, he whiffs twice and they are laughing at him like a bunch of hyenas.

The ladies are all heading out to shop and Teresa rains on their parade and tells them they are going food shopping.  Melissa is totally confused and Teresa un-lightens her by explaining that she is doing research for her new Italian/Italian fusion cookbook and she needs to research ingredientzes.  Melissa is totally bummed because she wanted to stock up on tube tops at the Skankarella Outlet Mall.  They head out in two separate cavalcades:  Jacqueline, Caroline, Lauren, and Teresa vs. Melissa, Kathy, and Sassy Greg.  I have to give the Melissa, Kathy, and Sassy Greg the award here because they come up with a great example of how idiotic Teresa is being.  Kathy points to a tree and says that Teresa could look at the tree and say “oh that reminds me, you said something about my kids”.  Greg says “That tree was left unattended, just like you said my kid was!”  That is the other hot-button word with Teresa “unattended”.

They arrive at the market so Teresa can do her “research”.  Meanwhile, the boys are still golfing.  Joe says he is off his game because Melissa wouldn’t give it up, he has all that “poison” in him.  Chris tells him to “go rub one out in the woods.”  Oy vey…Albert tells the gang he would consider it a personal favor if none of them ever play golf again.

Back at the Market of Unidentifiable Meats, the ladies are completely freaked out by the blood and carnage.  This must be where Lady GaGa bought her meat dress.  Melissa is very distressed about stepping in blood with her Gucci shoes.  Teresa keeps picking up random cuts of raw animal and running after the other ladies.  Melissa lectures Teresa about the disease poultry carries.  Teresa thinks it’s Semolina.  I could see how easily she could confuse wheat with foodborne illness.  Caroline is clinging to Greg for dear life.  Teresa is acting like she is at Nieman Marcus and she asks the Dominicans if they have spices, like salt.  The others are all screaming and fleeing like they are being chased by Chupacabra, but Tre doesn’t care because she is a New York Times bestselling author.

The Boyz II Manzos and sassy Greg assemble themselves at the lounge before dinner.  Albie is a bit stressed out about the impending launch party for the BLK water.  Christopher and Greg tell him to chill out and stop making mountains out of molehills.  They mosey over to the restaurant “Zen” which appears to be a hibachi grill of sorts.  Albie says he starved himself so he could eat a lot on the trip, but he’s had nothing but diarrhea.  WTMI Albie, WTMI.  They are the only ones on time and the rest of the crew shuffles in.  Juicy and Teresa make an entrance and Juicy decides to motorboat Teresa.  Teresa is shrieking and using her outdoor irrational skank voice already.  Kathy says they are late because she was not feeling well.  The fighting with Teresa is making her stomach upset.

The Boyz II Manzos decide to have a Punta Princess contest based on style, intellect, and creativity.  They give Teresa the style award for looking like Lindsey Blowhan in her fedora, and because she lost her suitcase and still pulled it together.  Creativity went to Kathy for her turquoise jewelry.  The final category is intellect and they ask who the Vice President of the United States is.  Teresa can’t stand to be out of the action for a milli-second and screeches “Clinton!”  Sheesh Teresa, get back into your cocktail.  Lauren rolls her eyes and looks like she would rather eat Joe Gorga’s fromunda cheese than bear witness to this contest.  Finally, Melissa guesses Dick Cheney and then Biden, so they give it to her.  They go to sudden death to break the tie, they ask what continent Cairo is on and Melissa confidently answers “Antarctica!”  Greg says, “oh Melissa Gorga, you melt my ice cold heart every time.”

They are all getting ready to depart and Teresa’s lost bag finally arrives.  Kathy and Richie are packing up and Kathy says she is not even going to talk to Teresa because she doesn’t want to get into a fista cuffs on the plane and get kicked off.  Richie says they don’t want to distract the pilot with her screeching voice.  I can’t even imagine how annoying that must have been on this trip, I only had to endure a sliver of it during this episode, and I am ready to launch through my television and choke the bitch out.  As they leave the resort, Albert says he would “rather be in hell then on vacation with you people.”  Ouch…although I agree…I might go a-coo-coo-pants if I had to be around Teresa for more than 3 minutes.

Back in Jersey, Melissa meets the Boyz II Manzo’s at the rinky, dinky, cheesy club called Kiss & Fly.  Melissa is unleashing her inner diva making all these crazy demands of the venue and tells them that Joe is on the phone trying to secure two tigers for her performance.  She whips out a contract rider, which contains her requirements:

  • Four cases of Schlitz malt liquor
  • A giant brandy snifter filled with only green M & M’s
  • Two boxes of cornstarch so she can easily maneuver in and out of her schweddy leather pants

Melissa goes to meet her choreographer to practice her moves and she’s a hot ass mess.  The backup dancers look like they want to punch her in the throat with an open fist.  Melissa is totally off her game from the vacation, maybe she should go rub one out in the woods.

The day of the launch party arrives and the Boyz II Manzos are scurrying to set up the venue.  One of the Soul Diggaz is at the event and he is very excited about the black water because it’s water for “his people”.  Melissa is trying to do her sound check and she is standing on the little platform stage, it reminds me of the little wooden bridge you walked over when you graduated from being a brownie to a girl scout.

The gang arrives to the party and they all pose on the step-n-repeat.  Caroline has busted out her inner ‘80’s hairdo and she looks like Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran.

Albie scolds Assley before she even has a chance to misbehave and tells her she cannot be doing any drinking.  Assley’s friend asks her what she is up to and she tells her nothing, no work, no school, just being an ass.  I have to say, I have not missed the presence of this little bandersnatch over the last few episodes.  Although it looks like next week, we will be getting a healthy dose of her bitchassiness.

We cut to Melissa backstage and she is chowing on a granola bar and yammering on about starting at a launch party on a small stage “half-assed doin’ it.”  Melissa looks like she took a handful of mood stabilizers and chased it with a gallon of gin.  Melissa seriously looks like she has been heavily tranquilized.  She says a final prayer and says the performance is for her father and she is ready to blow the roof off the dump.  It’s painfully obvious that she is lip-synching.  Melissa said she wanted to be just like Britney, someone get Melissa a bag of Funions and an Orange Fanta…STAT!!!!

Juicy makes some nice comments about Melissa’s performance and the gang is all rainbows and lollipops.  Teresa approaches Kathy to go outside for a talk.  Kathy’s sister ROSIE is standing by with her brass knuckles in case things get outta hand.  She gives Teresa the stink eye and keeps a close watch on the two of them.  She’s ready to go medieval on Teresa’s ass.  We will quickly beta-cap:  Tre apologizes, beach incident, like sisters, miss that, overreacted, brought me to that place, parenting thing, you’re a great mom, sisters, connect again, I want that, I want that too, so proud of cookbook, family, your girls, my girls, don’t hold grudges, respect, I LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU TOO, let’s go party!  Teresa and Richie kiss and make up too and Teresa asks him if he still loves her, to which he replies “I’ve always loved you, you son of a bitch!”  Now dem’s fightin’ words!