Reading of the Will

Hey everybody… I don’t want to spend a ton of time on the first 45 of this episode because, yet again, the last 15 are the only minutes worth our time.  I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a little unfulfilled by the dramaticus-interrupus this week.  And to top it off, we have to wait two weeks for the continuation of the dreaded “to be continued” because there’s something going on next Sunday night, I think it’s the “Pepsico Fiesta Hoe Down Bowl”, or something like that.  The entire episode is merely prep-work for the explosive “Reading of the Will”, and no dear readers, Mama Joyce has not kicked the bucket.

We start out with Porsha, hosting Wigs-n-Cigs for a professionally prepared baby vegan meal.  Wigs has been vegetarian her whole life, and you know what else she’s done her whole life?  Made her men chauffer her around like second rate Uber drivers.  Yes, Kroy is waiting in the Suburban, AGAIN!  Wigs runs out for a red SOLO cup refill and at least has the decency to bring him a tofurky dog with extra relish.  Porsha gives Wigs the low down about how evil Kenya re-appeared from the depths of Satan’s asshole during the Houston trip.  Wigs chalks it up to being exhausted, winded, and bereft from carrying on the charade of fake marriage.  While this is all going down, the paid professional vegan chef is chuckling to herself as she sneezes into their tofu-surprise.

Wigs cooking

Kandi is prepping for an “Essence Magazine, This is What Winning Looks Like, So Suck an Eggplant Porsha” extravaganza.  Kandi has Don Juan on staff and Carmon on contract, because good, bitchy help is hard to find.  Don Juan didn’t invite Porsha, but Kandi insists, she is performing a public service really.  Porsha needs a substantial example of success.  The Kandi Koated Klique is afraid it will send the wrong message and Porsha will think they are BFF status again, but no… complicated is the order of the day, and Kandi insists on the non-passive-aggressive gesture.

50-Cint and her assistant (Hold up…I didn’t even know she had or needed an assistant), are toiling away at Lake Bailey making sushi.  Mr. Where there’s a Will, there’s a shady way, is making his maiden voyage to Lake Bailey and 50-Cint wants to impress.  After Will arrives, they attempt to finish making the sushi, but bail out and opt for the gas station container of California Rolls that 50-Cint has stashed in the fridge.  50-Cint broaches the “are we dating or seeing other people” convo, and Will waves all the red flags.  He tells her he’s not dating anyone else and he wants to settle down and have a family, but if that’s what he wants at age 37, why the hell is he involved with 50-Cint?  Oh, sorry, I’m not a man… a little slow on the uptake.  Just answered my own question – he wants to take a spin in her mahogany canoe.  Sorry Will, the lake is a bit choppy today!

Nene is back this week to give us our newest, delightful cast-mate.  Eva Marcille is a former ANTM winner, she knows Nene from LA (several years, hunni), she has a three-year-old daughter, and she’s dating Michael Sterling, who happens to be running for Mayor of the ATL.

Eva intro

Across town, Kenya takes her cousin Che along to purchase some fitness equipment in an attempt to get Question Marc to spend some time at Moore Manor.  They cop a squat on a couple of rowing machines and Kenya talks about how Marc is such an “alpha-male” (translation = controlling creepo you see on those Discovery ID re-enactments).  Kenya’s had to fall back a bit and give in to Marc’s wishes – a stick shift car, making sure she has “washing powder” for the clothes, laying out his socks and underwear for the next day, and cooking frozen Trader Joe’s pasta meals in a pan to pass them off as home-cooked.  It’s a lotta work y’all!  By this time the salesman returns with his price for the weight equipment, only $6,915 and delivery by tomorrow!  She hands him Question Marc’s AMEX card, CHA-CHING!

It’s the night of the Essence Magazine Reveal Party – Don Juan is in full-force security mode – as Porsha walks in, he speaks into the walkie talkie “WARNING — WARNING – The Underground Railroad train has arrived, all armed men in the vicinity report to the station!  SECURE THE PERIMETER!  DUCK AND COVER!”

Meanwhile, Nene and Eva are en route to the party (with Gregg as their Uber driver for the night).  Eva reveals that she met Will and his girlfriend about two months ago.  A woman who is very good with Will’s daughter, and who is incidentally… not 50-Cint!  Concurrently, at the party, we see Will tell 50-Cint that he’s been single for 2 ½ years.  Ooooh, somethin’ in the buttermilk ain’t clean, but are we really surprised this dude is sketch as f*ck?

The rest of the gang is trickling in and Papa Smurf even makes an appearance.  If there was ever a time Papa should intervene and ruin 50-Cint’s life, it’s NOW!  RELEASE THE HOUNDS, PAPA!  But naw… Peter is just making an appearance to congratulate Kandi, smoke a stogie with Todd, and slam down a few free cocktails.

Don Juan starts the stage show, Wigs is holding her red SOLO cup with her teeth so she can applaud.  At what point will that cup go out of style or just disintegrate from the levels of rubbing alcohol it contains?  Todd takes the mic and makes a really awkward speech about how his wife is so wonderful, she even invited the undesirables.  Not the way to “fly above”, homie!  Don Juan announces that Kandi just booked a part in “Chicago” on Broadway, Kandi gives her thanks and she becomes emotional.

Now for the good shit, Nene tells Kandi about Will, Carmon chimes in that she has also heard on the “street” that he “has a lady”.  Eva confirms she met said “lady” a few days before Will’s relationship with 50-Cint went public.  The heathens decide that someone should tell 50-Cint privately and not in a group setting.  Kenya takes lead on this project and Nene is reeling a bit, as in – “nuh-uh, no way is she handing off this BIG SALAD and taking credit for it!”

Big Salad 2

Kenya pulls 50-Cint aside and the minions are 2.3 seconds behind her.  50-Cint takes the news well, “I completely receive this and assume it’s coming out of love and concern for me.”  Will sidles up to 50-Cint and senses she’s upset, Kenya pulls him aside and tells him what’s up.  SHOCKINGLY, he denies everything.  50-Cint turns to him, she understands they aren’t exclusive, but she isn’t going to date a man with a girlfriend.  Sorry Will, you’re a grade-A sketchball and she’s… well she’s 50-CINT!

Will is pissed that he’s being ambushed and wants to get it all out on the table, so he calls Eva into the conversation.  As she saunters up, “well, this is quite messy!” he becomes angry and defensive.  Eva waves her acrylic fingernail of justice, pulling out her cell phone “HOLD UP, because what we’re not gonna do…”  Homegirl doesn’t play, she came prepared, with receipts.  NOT TODAY PLAYA!  NOT TODAY!

Eva - Will

As this installment of “Will and no Grace” draws to a close – he contends he met Eva seven months ago, there was no girlfriend, and clearly, he is lying.  His timeline is about as accurate as the human female gestation period according to Phaedra.  Then he says something so ludicrous, I had to run TiVo back twice and still couldn’t quite translate his playa speak… “Everything was perfect until this came along and I think that hurt me because of the perfect gentleman I was to her. Thank you, because you showed me that I have to be more better at other things.”  Back away from the psychopath slowly, I implore you, ladies.

Will - Eva - Cint

Will decides to cut and run, but not without asking Gregg if he can hit the open bar first, as if he’s the keeper of the Gin.  SBS and Wigs-n-Cigs realize the real tea party is going on outside and head over to get the dirt.  50-Cint is so over this, Louboutin’s in hand, what a  waste of an outfit and a wig.

50-Cint

Porsha asks 50-Cint if she’s okay, she explains everything and says she’s too old for this shit.  50-Cint wants to know any intel, that anyone has, at any time, regarding any man she dates.  With this revelation, Porsha’s Scooby Doo ears perk up – “well since you asked….”, and this is where we are left with 50-Cint tearing up and the dreaded “TO BE CONTINUED”.

 

Next time – Mama Joyce requests a sit-down with her Wal-Mart Death Wedgie and Porsha, Marlo is planning a trip and invites Wigs.

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Stuck in a Moment

Hello RHATL readers – I dunno, I feel as if this was one of those “throw-away” episodes, you know… where the entire production staff decided to take a page out of Ramona Singer’s manual for living your ultimate menopausal life — they have popped a Xanax, calmed all the way down, and phoned it in.  This is one of those eps. where all the meandering, mind-numbing conversation footage is merely prep-work for the last 15 minutes.  However, there is a silver lining in this storm, the last 15 are GOLD!

Ramona xanax

Let’s dive right into the messiness… Sooo, like, everyone who is anyone is organizing some sort of fund-raiser to help out in Houston, TX for the hurricane Harvey victims.  Via unseen footage from the “All Shade, Elephants Stampede Out the Same Dayum Way They Came In, Piss off the Energy Reader Spectacular”, Porsha invited the gang to come support her event, but she was met with long, silent, fake-eyelash blinks.  You know the ones – where the falsies are so heavy, the skanks can’t lift their lids up in a timely fashion.  Shamea of all people calls Porsha and offers to come on down, but Porsha isn’t ready to forgive her for calling out her “vasovagal legs can’t fly coach” disease in front of the Kandi-Koated Klique.

Across town, Cynthia and Kandi meet for dinner, Kenya is a no-show, which violates Addendum XIV, Section 118 (a) of the Friendship Contract!  Cynthia wants to re-hash the “Elephants Stampede, We All Wear White, Never Forget, Tip Your Energy Reader” debacle.  Cynthia feels the reader was way off, but hunni, NEWSFLASH…. your dinner outfit selection is WAY OFF – she looks like she just got roughed-up at a hoedown and she’s lucky to have made it out alive with her Walgreens flip-flops.

Anyhoo – They move on from that hot-topic and Cynthia announces she is planning her own hurricane Harvey relief efforts, but Kandi must decline by way of Riley duty and slipping Cynthia a $20K check.  Kenya calls via face-time and Cynthia must take it out in the parking lot, she comments on how Kenya is also looking a bit rough, as if she recently emerged from some “wifely duties”.  Kenya laughs, wishes her hubby existed, and then declines Cynthia’s request for Houston duty.

On our latest installment of “Love, Before, During, and After Lockup”, SBS is still reeling from her car accident so she’s hangin’ low at the Chateau and the only charitable activity she will be participating in will be accepting this daily call from Prison-BAE.  They exchange their perfunctory remarks and he reminds her to “feed Chunky”, which is not the family guinea pig.  Oh no dear reader, “Chunky” is Prison BAE’s pet name for her ass – he likes big butts and he cannot lie!

Like big butts

She fills him in about the disastrous “Elephants Extravaganza”, but Prison BAE warns, it would behoove Nene to tread her big butt lightly.  He’s got dirt, and we’re talking bona-fide, word on the street, scuttlebutt!  Everybody knows those li’l inmates gossip more than a sewing circle…isn’t that right Counselor Parks?  Ahhhhh – the shade is just too easy with this bunch!  But I digress… Prison BAE has known Nene long before his romance with SBS… apparently, Nene was pursuing him while she was collecting her Trump checks on the “Celebrity Apprentice”.  SBS can’t confirm or deny if Nene and Gregg were separated at that time, but don’t think the back-pain meds have this li’l bone collector slogging on her duties.  She will carefully place this into the “Bone-In Ribeye Remembrance” file.

Later, we see Kandi on Riley duty, which is practice driving in her $100,000 Mercedes jeep-type thingy.  Riley is driving like she owns the road and Kandi is doing typical-mom things, such as fearing for her life.  Sidebar:  Kandi seems to have an inordinate amount of contouring on her nose during her confessional.  Note to makeup artist – BLEND!

As soon as they arrive home, Block calls but cannot converse long.  He is at the hospital with baby-mama #8 awaiting the arrival of his new son.  Kandi puts Riley on the spot to talk with him, but she looks like she’d rather meet Bill Cosby for a drink than get on the phone with her father on camera.  Kandi commends Block for making an effort, but once they are inside the house, we hear Riley break down in tears.  Kandi continues to do some really good mom work here and askes to be de-miced right away.  Heart melting when we hear Baby Ace’s angelic voice call out “RIIILEEEEY!”  He’s no replacement for the adorable and sorely missed Ayden Parks, but viewers have to make sacrifices and Counselor Parks had to be put out to pasture.

So we are on the back-half of this hump of an episode… everyone who is going to Houston has arrived… or have they?  Cynthia, Malorie, Lauren, and Porsha are at day one of their event, decked out in their finest black spandex, passing out Ramen Noodles, and hugs-a-plenty!  Shamea decides to show up out of the blue, but everyone is hospitable and Porsha appreciates that they can put their differences aside for the moment.  Later, at their hotel, Shamea apologizes to Porsha for being insensitive about Porsha’s “condition” that restricts her ankles from flying coach.  They have a pillow fight and hug it out.

Cynthia is busy glamming up for her event and Porsha phones to state they are running late.  Cynthia tells them to take a bird bath, glue their wigs down, and get to the benefit concert so they can raise funds and wayward spirits!  Porsha won’t allow this to be a “mist” opportunity, she donates $5,000 to Cynthia’s event.  As they are all having a wonderful evening, the human hurricane Kenya shows up, to surprise Cynthia because she felt compelled to destroy the good vibes this crew has going for itself.

Kenya is hosting her own event with Habitat for Humanity and Cynthia immediately bails on Porsha, which is in violation of Article IV, Section 1 (a) (iii) of the friendship contract!  Porsha has been demoted to a Real Sidechick of ATL, Cynthia will not be attending her event the next day in lieu of going with Kenya.  Ugh… spineless Cynthia has returned.

Porsha has a successful event the next day, but they run out of food and she has a bit of a breakdown.  Several local restaurants are able to provide more and they ended up serving meals to over 2,000 people.  In a less peaceful demonstration, Kenya is at her Habitat event, cracking the whip and barking out orders like a drill sergeant who hasn’t gotten laid in 28 years.  Shamea plans to attend Kenya’s event in Porsha’s stead, but when she phones Kenya for directions, Ms. Daly gets her “thunderpants” in a bunch and cannot be bothered with such details.  She tells Shamea to find a volunteer, figure it out, less talk, more work, and then she relegates Shamea to trash duty upon arrival.

Cleanup crew

After all the volunteering is done, it’s time for a group dinner from the depths of hell.  The group settles in at a self-serve type barbecue restaurant and since HANGRY Baby Vegans can only eat the side salad, they finish before everyone else and start stirring the shit-pot for dessert!  Lauren kicks it off by expressing their disappointment with Cynthia, bailing on the Real Sidechicks.  Cynthia squashes the “who supported who” war and deflects the focus to the fact that people showed up and they were able to help.  Shamea mentions the ultimate rudeness that is every fiber of Ms. Daly, and you best believe Cynthia put a pin in that one!  Kenya shows up late and can’t order any food because the kitchen is closed, she can’t even have a cocktail because all they serve is beer and wine.  Shamea tries to address Kenya, but she isn’t even acknowledging that another human is speaking to her.  She keeps hollering out for water, again so self-unaware that this is a self-serve restaurant!  Because she is a former Miss USA, an off-camera staff person is bringing her several glasses of water, even with bendy straws!  Shamea calls out for a pitcher so that this THIRSTY BEYOTCH CAN GET HYDRATED AND PAY ATTENTION – PUH-LEAZE!

Pay Attention

Porsha tries to mediate, Cynthia chimes in and tells Kenya she came off as rude.  They are just about out of the woods with this petty argument, Shamea is giving it the “no big deal, I’m fine” treatment, when Cynthia brings it up again – “Shamea you’ve not fine, you’ve been talking about it the whole time we’ve been here!”  UGH, bitch I thought you was spineless!

Girl bye

At this point, Kenya storms out and we hear her talking to the producer in the bathroom – “I don’t give a f*ck about any of these mother*cking HOES!”  Porsha goes after her and Kenya flips off the camera, “THIS IS NOT A MOMENT”.  Oh, but it is, my feisty Pageant Queen!

Kenya angry

Funny side-note:  Shamea needs to use the facilities, and left with no alternative, she sneaks by into the men’s room!  Kenya leaves the restaurant and this time it’s Cynthia who tries to extinguish the rage of Satan’s asshole.  Kenya rolls down the window, tells her “it’s not a moment” and drives away.  Keep on drivin’ as far as I’m concerned, if you can’t do your job – guess what, we’ve got Eva Marcille coming next week!

eva-marcille-rhoa-season-10

The burning question of the hour is this – Where is Nene with her Petco choppers and Trump checks in all this messiness?!?!  Why has no one demanded a doctor’s note from SBS or a marriage license from Kenya?  Get with the program ladies – WE NEED RECEIPTS!

We receive a li’l preview treat of what is left to come this season – Eva Marcille of ANTM fame joins the cast next week.  Prison-BAE and Nene go to war.  Wigs-n-Cigs has a couple more face-off, wig-yanks.  Kenya actually introduces Marc, live in the flesh?  There is some dirt on Will that is “5150 cray-cray”, was he previously or currently dating Eva?  And all sorts of other too-fast-for-my-old-psyche footage!  See you next week, and in case I don’t tell you often enough – THANK YOU FOR READING!

Elephants in the Room

Welcome to the Mean Girls lunch table, where we will invite you over, but YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!  I swear, these cast mates don’t even like each other anymore, they merely tolerate one another and put themselves into bizarre situations for sheer sport.  #Paychexbybravo!  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Cant sit with us

We start out this week with Porsha playing actress.  She’s terrible, being killed by Sharknado 5 after 9 seconds of screen time doesn’t a thespian make.  She has apparently landed some part in a local production of “Two Can Play at that Game”, and it takes three assistants to help her run two lines.

sharknado

SBS, Wigs-N-Cigs, and their breasts meet for a meal.  Seriously, these bitches be bustin’ out of their tube tops like stuffed sausage.  Nene is supposed to show up, SBS is salivating in anticipation.  Every time the three of them get together, it ends in a good ol’ fashioned wig pull.  We are treated to a flashback of season two, when SBS tried a wig yank on Wigs-N-Cigs… IN FRONT OF MICHAEL LOHAN.  Ahh… the good ol’ days, when Wigs-N-Cigs crafted her wigs out of flammable Barbie hair and dated men off of Craig’s List.

Speaking of a wig yank, someone should do SBS a favor and snatch that Atomic Blonde wiglette off her melon.  With all her other stellar looks this season, I just can’t get behind this atomic atrocity.  Anyhoo – SBS gives Wigs-N-Cigs a quick briefing and they get on to the subject of Kandi.  Wigs understands that Porsha made a “harsh allegation” against Kandi, but Wigs [again with the swearing on her six kids’ lives], seems to buy into the Kandi rumors.  Then she mumbles something as she’s gulping down her clams casino, “I wouldn’t let Kandi lick my box.”  GOOD.  LORD.  ALREADY.  WITH.  THIS.  SHIT?  Wigs… sorry hunni, no one wants anywhere near your box.  It’s like the great void, all who enter are never seen or heard from again.

SBS fills Wigs in about Prison BAE, and Wigs offers her immediate support and becomes overcome with emotion and fake tears at the thought of her BFF SBS getting “some good dick”.  Yes, that’s right, in 4-18 years, SBS will be getting the dick she is due, DAMNIT!  After these two clowns come up for air, they realize it’s been two hours and Nene hasn’t shown up.  Wigs ponders that she may be looking for a parking space, but decides to call and Nene informs them she sent a memo by Pony Express.  She will not be attending due to “too many elephants in the room” and they need to schedule a conversation at another time.  Wigs thinks Nene is still butthurt over the “Rent-a Royce” handicapped parking scandal, oh and the fact that Brielle snuck into Nene’s house through an open window during the “All white, trot out your best gay accessory, never forget, shuck your own oyster party” and posted a snapchat showing 16 cock roaches scurrying across Nene’s floor.  Hmm…could be why she doesn’t want to sit with you, bitch!

Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models is conducting a back to school book drive to help kids who may not be able to afford supplies – translation, a photo shoot for the Trapper Keeper 2018 reboot.  Nene face times in because she can’t be troubled to make an in-person charity F-List celebrity appearance.  She invites the women to an “All White, Elephants Never Forget, Clear the Room, Low Country Boil Seafood Extravaganza”.  Will stops in and Cynthia turns into Urkel.  He tells her that he’s leaving for a trip to Brazil, and Kenya quickly points out how amazingly beautiful the women of Brazil are, oh and prostitution is legal.  Cynthia starts hyperventilating into a Hello Kitty backpack and Kenya pulls her aside by the straps of her overalls.  Kenya lectures her on the dangers of Mr. Will.  If he is truly an opportunist, he will be back for his dear Cynthia.  Just be sure to use a condom for several months and make sure he takes ALL of his penicillin.

Cynthia - Will

SBS settles in for a quiet night with her dog Max and her laptop, when Kairo surprises her with a visit bearing food.  They are firing up the grill when SBS gets a call from Prison BAE.  SBS takes the call, attempting to hide it from Kairo.  Prison BAE upholds his innocence, claims he has receipts, and he’s hoping to be exonerated from all wrongdoing.  GOOD.  LUCK.  SBS isn’t ready to explain to her children that her BAE is in prison, so she and Kairo opt to ignore the elephant in their kitchen and continue to prepare dinner in silence.

Nene is arranging her big “Elephants in the room, come one come all, circus extravaganza”, and has hired an energy reader named Mbele.  Said energy reader pulls no punches, she is firm, direct, and smells of a hard mix of sage, Ylang-Ylang, and wrath.

Mbele

As the ladies arrive, Mbele has a few ever-changing rules, smart phones get checked at the door she’s a hugger not a shaker, unless your name is Nene or Cynthia and you give off immoral juju.  Wigs-N-Cigs walks in and says in her loudest, Virginia-Slims, I’ve had about three red Solo cup fulls o’ Tito’s, voice – “It smells like sage up in this mother*cker, ohh it is like rough as shit, honey!”  Nice opening volley!  As if that wasn’t rude enough, Wigs won’t put her phone down, “I got six babies at home, my husband is bringing me pizza”.  Poor Kroy, he’s now relegated to delivering pizza to Wigs while she fulfills her #contractuallyobligateduncomfortablesituationsbybravo.  Hey, Wigs – can you have Kroy slide in an order of hot wings, extra spicy, hold the celery, blue cheese dressing on the side?

Nene begins to address the group and the lights flicker, indicating that Mbele has placed an irreversible hoax on the whole lot of them.  Mbele takes the floor and announces she will be spilling secrets and the women need to keep it together.  She waves her li’l finger at SBS for an inordinate number of seconds and comes up with some innocuous, vague shit like – “be decisive, stand firm.”

Kandi is told she experiences Déjà Vu.  Nene is told she has a heart of gold and what others think of her is irrelevant.  Cynthia is told to protect herself – translation, Will is an opportunist.  Kenya is told that she isn’t going to be around much longer, not meaning death, but a different destiny.  #shitcannedbybravo.

Wigs starts buggin’, she doesn’t like any of this.  Mbele wins line of the night, “dixie cup is gonna help us out here, I guess”.  Kenya busts out laughing and now believes that Mbele is the most amazing energy reader, EVA!  Wigs says she’s been read by the BEST, she’s spiritual, she’s from a higher power, and she has, like… ESPN!

5th sense ESPN

Kenya loses it, tells Wigs to shut the f*ck up or leave.  Nene is feasting on this conflict.  Mbele asks everyone switch seats because “Wigs and Go Naked” are oddly holding hands and she’s catching too much static from the high concentration of wig polymers.  Mbele offers to dip some wild bushes in whiskey and provide Wigs with a much-needed cleansing bath, but Wigs takes a hard pass.  At this point, they have broken the energy reader and she leaves the unstable skanks to deal with this three-ring shit show.  Mbele exits stage left to find the Bravo intern, collect her appearance fee, and the $50 bonus for giving Nene a resplendent read.

Kandi tries to start mediating between Porsha and Nene, but Nene is more preoccupied with making her same goofy faces and resolving nothing.  SBS asks Nene if she has an issue with Prison BAE, and to be clear “you’ve got mugshots too”.  They start goin’ at it, they do not SEE.  EACH.  OTHA.  Nene has “NO.  THING.  I.  NEED.  TO.  TALK.  TO.  YOU.  ABOUT!”  Wigs mumbles something into her Solo cup about Kenya being jealous of SBS and Cynthia dives into the fray to ask why Wigs and Kenya don’t get along.  Wigs gets up to leave, hiking up her Pepto pants like a truck driver, and Nene demands she stay for detention.  Cynthia tries to confront Wigs, but Wigs says “don’t talk, just be a pretty face” and then the low-grade beaver tranquilizers kick in.  Wigs starts singing “Amazing Grace” without her auto-tune machine.

Nene and Wigs sit down to have it out… Wigs takes a moment of reflection and introspection, the last time they sat on a couch together was eight years ago when Nene denied trying to choke her [after the wig-tug in front of her then fling, Michael Lohan – sorry folks, I will find that infinitely hilarious until my dying day].  Sensing Nene is ready to go for a main artery, Wigs adjusts her wiglette, swears on her six kids’ lives – AGAIN, and apologizes “for actin’ like a coconut” at Nene’s party.  But Wigs isn’t smart enough to leave it at that and escape Nene’s fury, she has to add that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Nene admits to being on vodka, but that’s the extent of it.  She officially deems their “friendship” superficial.  Adjust your wigs and part ways, idiot hookers!

Wigs wig adjust

Next week – Cynthia takes a trip to help with hurricane relief efforts, Prison Bae delivers an ominous warning, and Kenya flips off the Bravo camera, well, because Kenya.

The Show Must Go On

It’s been a few weeks since we’ve checked in with our juicy peaches, and this episode feels like the sluggish holiday aftermath.  You know the one, that feeling you get from eating nothing but sugar and cured meats for two weeks…  Anyhoo, the main theme is the PSA on domestic violence and Kenya is in the driver’s seat.  SBS saunters in with her latest wiglette from the Wigs-n-Cigs dumpster fire collection.  Seriously, someone needs to burn this wig and terminate the stylist, STAT.

SBS Wig

SBS wants producer cred on this PSA, but Ms. Moore-Daly is about to slam on the brakes and eject SBS from the passenger seat.  She offers SBS an “intern” position and I half-hoped for another “who gon’ check ME BOO!” moment, but my hopes were dashed quicker than a blink of a false eyelash.

While these two iron out the details – not much else is really poppin’ in the ATL.  Nene is dressed as Mrs. Roper, circa 1978 and welcomes Marlo for a tiny bowl of chips and jarred salsa.  These two have buried the hatchet and drafted a brand spankin’ new BFFL contract.  Marlo is twisting Nene’s bun to get her to attend a tea party, whereby they will sit Porsha down and hash out the tension.  Nene is only willing to participate if Porsha eats some crow and admits fault.  Sorry Nene, a few li’l loopholes here – first, Porsha is baby vegan and will eat no crow, and secondly you are contractually obligated to attend this fake-make-up sesh and pull your 82 specialty faces.  See BFFL contract Article IV, section K (b) 3.  BLOOP!

bloop

Cynthia is cookin’ up a frozen Trader Joe meal in a pan and Noelle drops in to throw some shade about Cynthia being too old for spin class, and she looks genuinely astonished that Cynthia even knows how to turn on the stove.  Will calls while this exchange is taking place and Cynthia turns into a flustered school girl.  He tells her he’d love to come by for what she’s cookin’, but only if there’s some turkey in there and Cynthia immediately offers up the whole Thanksgiving turkey.  Cynthia – have we taught you nothing?!  What happened to playing the field, TITTY CENT??  More on that later…

Cynthia gets a text from Marlo to invite her to the tea and as she reads it aloud, Noelle delivers the best line in all of housewives franchise history EVA – “Mom, you’re so weird!”  WORD!

Kandi and Todd are at the OLG restaurant, floating around, talking to customers, pretending to care.  Basically all the restaurant staff is related to Kandi, including Block’s daughter from another mama and 13 cousins thrice removed.  The actual OLG’s arrive and they are ready to air some grievances.  Todd takes them to the side before Mama Joyce whips out her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death and Destruction, although a reenactment of that scene might do wonders for bidness!  Mama Joyce leads the charge and I’m not kidding you, it takes her Paleolithic eons to get out the sentence stating they don’t like the location of the hostess stand.  Aunt Bertha clutches her purse to her chest in anticipation, “we gonna be all night.”  Bertha doesn’t like the cooks wearing dirty pants with their shirts hanging out and they want the hostesses in uniforms.  It’s cute that Kandi and Todd allow the OLG to think they have actual input.  Kandi summons the Bravo intern, who can correct all these issues in a tight 15.

Later we learn that the GM of the restaurant couldn’t hack working with the dysfunctional octogenarian set, and basically Don Juan and Todd are holding things together with prayers and chewing gum.  They interview a General Manager candidate, Aaron Buggs, who arrives dressed like Urkel.  Aaron is impressive and has done his homework.  He proceeds to give them a full statistical breakdown of their unsatisfactory Yelp reviews, they all nod and smile, but Don Juan wants to know if he can handle the “intense personalities” – this means you, OLG!  Aaron doesn’t “bugg” under pressure (see what I did there?), but Todd knows that Mama Joyce “ampin’ on someone” will be the true test.

Porsha and Rickey Smiley are sniffing each other like two Chihuahuas at a dog park.  ‘Nuff said.  Marlo calls Porsha to make sure she’s attending the tea party/ambush.  Porsha wouldn’t miss it for the world, she and Marlo bonded over boogers on San Fran trip!

SBS is hanging out at the Chateau, wearing her home-made deep V cutout Wal-Mart sweatshirt, dutifully writing out her grocery list.  Kandi drops by to stir up some shit for good measure, Nene said Tyrone is a con-artist.  Well… Phacts by Phaedra!  SBS refutes Nene and Gregg both have mug shots, so glass houses and all.  Not sure why we need this scene other than to see SBS gettin’ crafty with her wardrobe.

SBS sweatshirt

It’s the day of the big tea confrontation and Cynthia’s boob flies out of her dress, hence the “Titty Cent” moniker.  Cynthia immediately exclaims that the tea tastes like vodka and cranberry and I think “now we’re gettin’ somewhere”, but this confrontation really never has lift off.  I was ready for Nene to read Porsha for filth, but a 12 year old tween has taken over her body and all she can come up with is “you didn’t text me back, TWICE!”  The Bravo intern must have forgotten to lay out Nene’s Geritol, her heart just isn’t in it.  Nene gives her the half-assed IDGAF apology and the decide they won’t be friends, EVA.

Finally, it’s the PSA shoot day, and it’s tough to snark on the last 15 minutes of the episode.  Shamea and Cynthia’s mother share their stories and it’s an emotional day for all.  Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…

Cynthia mom

Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident.  SBS already has bulging discs, but she’s a trooper and makes it to the set to deliver her lines.  The show must go on!

Next week – women sit down with a medium, and I can only hope for an electronic cigarette, repeat of Allison DuBois, a la RHBH!  Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene.