Missing the Marc

Welcome to the penultimate episode of RHOA, where the ladies wind down and pretend to be doing important things with their lives.  Let’s start with Porsha, who is on some sort of pseudo-roller skating date with her boss, Rickey Smiley.  There is definitely some chemistry here, Rickey seems to have all the feels for her juicy-booty, but Porsha is way too busy brushing her wigs on the nightly – no room for a relationship, baby, or a sexual harassment suit.  Rickey is rather adept on his skates, while Porsha… well she looks like a savage cat on a waffle iron.  She takes a spill and Rickey is concerned about her booty and pretends to perform some sort of new-fangled ass CPR.  To hell with their employer’s fraternization polices, these two should get together.

Meanwhile, across town at the Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models, 50-Cynt stands over her assistant trying to look like she’s doing actual work – saying worky-type things like “let’s workshop that idea”, “I’ll touch base”, “it’s a win-win”, “let’s take this off-line”… Kenya waltzes in lookin’ hella ratchet, she’s channeling “naughty skewl girl hooker” in her bad outfit choice.  Apparently, Kenya has so much wonderful footage from her domestic violence PSA that she has created an entire 30-minute special and she will hold the premiere party at 50-Cynt’s vacant space.  She will be hosting ten domestic violence survivors for a full makeover and red-carpet experience.  The only interesting thing of note in this scene, is that 50-Cynt’s “Director” of the Agency is also sporting a skirt!

Over in da’ hood – Kandi sits upon her throne at the Kandi Factory and announces to Todd and Don Juan that she has put an offer on the property across the street.  Google may be building a headquarters down the street and she wants in on this shit.  I can see it now, the Kandi Kafe, Koffee by Kandi, Kale Kookies by Kandi … the possibilities are endless, let’s workshop this idea!  Let’s face it, she’s the only real hustler here.  The woman has so many revenue streams, her children will never have to work or obtain a personality.  Now, to get down to the most important bidness of the day – Kandi is concerned about Nene’s Insta-Meltdown and she feels bad about kicking her off the tour.  Todd is oddly team-Nene and his first line of defense is to refer to the fact that our Evil Cheeto in Chief says horrid shit all the time and it’s okay… so why can’t Nene make a rape joke?  IT’S COMEDY!  Oh Todd – JUST NO.  It’s not okay… it never will be okay… #DON’TGETMESTARTED!  Don Juan is the unlikely voice of reason here and reminds Kandi that bidness decisions are like, hard and stuff.  Oh Kandi, have we taught you NOTHING?  How quickly you forget the “Tardy For the Party” fiasco, or the “Phaedra Sparks Workout Video” debacle – you do not mix bidness with contractually obligated pretend friendships!

girl-bye-aint-nobody-got-time-fo-dat-meme

We catch up with Nene in her game room, and I need to point out here that she has bar stools with black toilet seats as the actual seats.  This is an odd choice considering she demands luxury goods and undeserving handicapped parking privileges.  She has a chat with her son Brentt, who announces… AHEM… that he’s ready to get into the entertainment/comedy industry.  Okay – two things… 1)  I believe a chief requirement would be a personality, and 2)  Nene better get on the Googler and find him a diction coach.  The kid talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth!  Nene warns him that comedy is a fickle, crafty, minx that will kick his ass into next week and he won’t be able to… AWW HELL… who are we kidding.  This is never happening unless Brentt has some secret personality that only comes out at night, when no one is around except the water-bugs.

Over at Chateau Shereé, SBS is ordering contractors around and looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup as her interior designer tells her he needs more time.  More time on the bathroom, the spa area, the sauna, the bar, the tanning-trough, the movie theater, the gym, the waxing station, the carbonated drink mixing area, the staging area, the heli-pad… oh yes dear readers, SBS is finally finishing her 5,000 square foot basement and plans to hole up with Prison BAE 4-EVA!  SBS scurries outside to take her daily 15-minute call from Prison BAE, they talk about their future, “making it official”, “destination wedding”, “blending the families”, “making room at the dinner table for one more” (his Parole Officer).  Prison BAE is making statements about taking care of everything, taking a trip to Bali, paying for an $8,000 stair climbing machine out of his commissary account.  What’s the deal Prison BAE, you runnin’ some underground sweat-shop selling soiled prison-mate boxers?  Like he’s all high-rollin’ and shit?  You got some skrilla tucked in your air mattress?  WHAT?

What

Just as these two are romanticizing about their amazing, imaginary future, the robo-prison call voice chimes in – “this is a call from Federal PRISON”.  #HOPESANDDREAMSDASHED!  Sorry Prison BAE, your reality check has bounced and you are wanted in seven states.

Dreams Crushed

Later, SBS is lookin’ a little rough, her makeup is the opposite of on-point and her hair looks like a wild hamster nest.  Maybe a wild night in the conjugal visit trailer?  Her daughter, Kaleigh, is home from school visiting and wakes up at 2 p.m. for breakfast?  Anyhoo – they discuss Prison BAE and Kaleigh has some sage advice for mom – “there’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you go for jail bait.”  SBS thinks her children will come around when they meet Prison BAE in the flesh and see what an amazing con-man he is.

SBS looking rough

In other “parenting done right” news, we learn that Miss Noelle has a passion for dentistry and she’s obtained an internship with a prosti-dontist, which I think means prosthetic dentistry.  50-Cynt drops by with lunch, complete with ill-timed sugary drinks.  Noelle wants to find a career that helps her make a difference in people’s lives.  At least 50-Cynt has parented well, this girl is a good li’l egg that understands hawking her mom’s “flash in the pan” cargo bags won’t pay da’ rent!  The most interesting factoid we learn here is that 50-Cynt had her first job at Taco Bell, which just made my entire week worth living.  AHHH-MAZING!

taco bell shells

Kenya preps her domestic violence survivor guests with a salon experience, complete with a shameless plug for Kenya Moore hair care products.  Hopefully it’s actual product and not just water in the bottles this time!  Later, Kenya makes her grand entrance at the event.  Everyone is looking great – three snaps in a Z formation!

three snaps z formation

Annnnd then there’s Maude Nene, sporting one of her Mumu’s from the Mrs. Roper collection.  Nene is just phoning it in at this point.  The ladies ask if Question Marc will be attending, but Kenya gives the “nah… he can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone book a plane ticket on Expedia” speech.  Did you marry a toddler?  The ladies don’t get this either, then just as Kenya is delivering her introductory, welcome to my event, sorry my boobs look like two half-dead possums taped to my chest, speech… in walks Question Marc!  Everyone is a bit stunned, including him.  Seriously – what’s with this dude?  I think the cardboard cut-out had more personality than him and Brentt Leakes combined!  Kenya introduces Marc to the ladies, 50-Cynt seems to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him – she hugs him about five times.  Then, leave it to SBS to deliver a wispy, brush-stroke of shady bitchery – “where did you get that strategically placed speck of body-glitter on the side of your nose your nose ring… because I want to get one!”  HA!

Question Marc

On the other side of the room, Porsha is giving Nene some high-top cocktail table wisdom, which is hilarious because she’s essentially repeating back the advice Nene gave her!  Seriously though Nene, you’re kind of an asshole.  Take your own advice, get out of your own way, and for the sake of all that is good and decent… call an exterminator and hire a stylist.

Next week, the Halloween party finale showdown of destruction!  Porsha takes the stage in her play, and SBS basement is finished!  Eva hosts a Halloween party, SBS and Porsha exchange unsavory words, and Nene shows up dressed as an exterminator and poor ol’ crusty Gregg is stuffed into a cock roach costume!  Can’t wait!

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