Missing the Marc

Welcome to the penultimate episode of RHOA, where the ladies wind down and pretend to be doing important things with their lives.  Let’s start with Porsha, who is on some sort of pseudo-roller skating date with her boss, Rickey Smiley.  There is definitely some chemistry here, Rickey seems to have all the feels for her juicy-booty, but Porsha is way too busy brushing her wigs on the nightly – no room for a relationship, baby, or a sexual harassment suit.  Rickey is rather adept on his skates, while Porsha… well she looks like a savage cat on a waffle iron.  She takes a spill and Rickey is concerned about her booty and pretends to perform some sort of new-fangled ass CPR.  To hell with their employer’s fraternization polices, these two should get together.

Meanwhile, across town at the Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models, 50-Cynt stands over her assistant trying to look like she’s doing actual work – saying worky-type things like “let’s workshop that idea”, “I’ll touch base”, “it’s a win-win”, “let’s take this off-line”… Kenya waltzes in lookin’ hella ratchet, she’s channeling “naughty skewl girl hooker” in her bad outfit choice.  Apparently, Kenya has so much wonderful footage from her domestic violence PSA that she has created an entire 30-minute special and she will hold the premiere party at 50-Cynt’s vacant space.  She will be hosting ten domestic violence survivors for a full makeover and red-carpet experience.  The only interesting thing of note in this scene, is that 50-Cynt’s “Director” of the Agency is also sporting a skirt!

Over in da’ hood – Kandi sits upon her throne at the Kandi Factory and announces to Todd and Don Juan that she has put an offer on the property across the street.  Google may be building a headquarters down the street and she wants in on this shit.  I can see it now, the Kandi Kafe, Koffee by Kandi, Kale Kookies by Kandi … the possibilities are endless, let’s workshop this idea!  Let’s face it, she’s the only real hustler here.  The woman has so many revenue streams, her children will never have to work or obtain a personality.  Now, to get down to the most important bidness of the day – Kandi is concerned about Nene’s Insta-Meltdown and she feels bad about kicking her off the tour.  Todd is oddly team-Nene and his first line of defense is to refer to the fact that our Evil Cheeto in Chief says horrid shit all the time and it’s okay… so why can’t Nene make a rape joke?  IT’S COMEDY!  Oh Todd – JUST NO.  It’s not okay… it never will be okay… #DON’TGETMESTARTED!  Don Juan is the unlikely voice of reason here and reminds Kandi that bidness decisions are like, hard and stuff.  Oh Kandi, have we taught you NOTHING?  How quickly you forget the “Tardy For the Party” fiasco, or the “Phaedra Sparks Workout Video” debacle – you do not mix bidness with contractually obligated pretend friendships!

girl-bye-aint-nobody-got-time-fo-dat-meme

We catch up with Nene in her game room, and I need to point out here that she has bar stools with black toilet seats as the actual seats.  This is an odd choice considering she demands luxury goods and undeserving handicapped parking privileges.  She has a chat with her son Brentt, who announces… AHEM… that he’s ready to get into the entertainment/comedy industry.  Okay – two things… 1)  I believe a chief requirement would be a personality, and 2)  Nene better get on the Googler and find him a diction coach.  The kid talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth!  Nene warns him that comedy is a fickle, crafty, minx that will kick his ass into next week and he won’t be able to… AWW HELL… who are we kidding.  This is never happening unless Brentt has some secret personality that only comes out at night, when no one is around except the water-bugs.

Over at Chateau Shereé, SBS is ordering contractors around and looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup as her interior designer tells her he needs more time.  More time on the bathroom, the spa area, the sauna, the bar, the tanning-trough, the movie theater, the gym, the waxing station, the carbonated drink mixing area, the staging area, the heli-pad… oh yes dear readers, SBS is finally finishing her 5,000 square foot basement and plans to hole up with Prison BAE 4-EVA!  SBS scurries outside to take her daily 15-minute call from Prison BAE, they talk about their future, “making it official”, “destination wedding”, “blending the families”, “making room at the dinner table for one more” (his Parole Officer).  Prison BAE is making statements about taking care of everything, taking a trip to Bali, paying for an $8,000 stair climbing machine out of his commissary account.  What’s the deal Prison BAE, you runnin’ some underground sweat-shop selling soiled prison-mate boxers?  Like he’s all high-rollin’ and shit?  You got some skrilla tucked in your air mattress?  WHAT?

What

Just as these two are romanticizing about their amazing, imaginary future, the robo-prison call voice chimes in – “this is a call from Federal PRISON”.  #HOPESANDDREAMSDASHED!  Sorry Prison BAE, your reality check has bounced and you are wanted in seven states.

Dreams Crushed

Later, SBS is lookin’ a little rough, her makeup is the opposite of on-point and her hair looks like a wild hamster nest.  Maybe a wild night in the conjugal visit trailer?  Her daughter, Kaleigh, is home from school visiting and wakes up at 2 p.m. for breakfast?  Anyhoo – they discuss Prison BAE and Kaleigh has some sage advice for mom – “there’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you go for jail bait.”  SBS thinks her children will come around when they meet Prison BAE in the flesh and see what an amazing con-man he is.

SBS looking rough

In other “parenting done right” news, we learn that Miss Noelle has a passion for dentistry and she’s obtained an internship with a prosti-dontist, which I think means prosthetic dentistry.  50-Cynt drops by with lunch, complete with ill-timed sugary drinks.  Noelle wants to find a career that helps her make a difference in people’s lives.  At least 50-Cynt has parented well, this girl is a good li’l egg that understands hawking her mom’s “flash in the pan” cargo bags won’t pay da’ rent!  The most interesting factoid we learn here is that 50-Cynt had her first job at Taco Bell, which just made my entire week worth living.  AHHH-MAZING!

taco bell shells

Kenya preps her domestic violence survivor guests with a salon experience, complete with a shameless plug for Kenya Moore hair care products.  Hopefully it’s actual product and not just water in the bottles this time!  Later, Kenya makes her grand entrance at the event.  Everyone is looking great – three snaps in a Z formation!

three snaps z formation

Annnnd then there’s Maude Nene, sporting one of her Mumu’s from the Mrs. Roper collection.  Nene is just phoning it in at this point.  The ladies ask if Question Marc will be attending, but Kenya gives the “nah… he can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone book a plane ticket on Expedia” speech.  Did you marry a toddler?  The ladies don’t get this either, then just as Kenya is delivering her introductory, welcome to my event, sorry my boobs look like two half-dead possums taped to my chest, speech… in walks Question Marc!  Everyone is a bit stunned, including him.  Seriously – what’s with this dude?  I think the cardboard cut-out had more personality than him and Brentt Leakes combined!  Kenya introduces Marc to the ladies, 50-Cynt seems to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him – she hugs him about five times.  Then, leave it to SBS to deliver a wispy, brush-stroke of shady bitchery – “where did you get that strategically placed speck of body-glitter on the side of your nose your nose ring… because I want to get one!”  HA!

Question Marc

On the other side of the room, Porsha is giving Nene some high-top cocktail table wisdom, which is hilarious because she’s essentially repeating back the advice Nene gave her!  Seriously though Nene, you’re kind of an asshole.  Take your own advice, get out of your own way, and for the sake of all that is good and decent… call an exterminator and hire a stylist.

Next week, the Halloween party finale showdown of destruction!  Porsha takes the stage in her play, and SBS basement is finished!  Eva hosts a Halloween party, SBS and Porsha exchange unsavory words, and Nene shows up dressed as an exterminator and poor ol’ crusty Gregg is stuffed into a cock roach costume!  Can’t wait!

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Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.

Egads

50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”

wha-wha-wha

There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!

you-are-stupid-trash-case-dismissed

Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.

Light, Love, and Old HAM

The ladies pile into the Mercedes Benz party bus, leaving the squalor known as the villa.  The title card on the screen says “Day Two” – yeah, day TWO… just let that SANK IN for a minute.  It seems like we’ve been watching these Barcelona escapades for paleolithic eons.  Nene addresses the elephant, who has left the room… Porsha headed back to the ATL because she’s tired of being trampled on and she’s about ready to cut a bitch.  Kandi says she will get over “drug, kidnap, rape-gate” eventually, it may just take a bit longer than the aging of a jambon leg.

The women arrive at the bigger, better, less mildew-ey Hotel Arts, where they each settle in to their 4000 square foot suites.  They are all instantly in a better mood, blame it on the Bossa Nova previous accommodations!  A plethora of fried foods arrives at 1:00 a.m., all the girls are elbow-deep into the calamari, while SBS hangs back in her room to take a call from Prison BAE.  Her conversation consists of telling Prison BAE what she has eaten the last two days in Barcelona.  I guess when you are on a steady prison diet of ramen and goulash surprise, a detailed account of what one eats on the outside is considered stimulating conversation.  Do the time, Prison BAE, don’t let the time do you.

Meanwhile, Kandi comes up with a bright idea to dress SBS up like an Elvira sex doll, take photos, and then send them to Prison BAE.  Nene is curious, how will SBS will send the pics from her phone?  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton chimes in… “nowadays, they be sneakin’ phones in the prisons, I know because MY NEPHEW is incarcerated.”  Thanks for the disclaimer, but we all know you’ve done a stint or two.

Before the 15 minutes are up on the prison call, Kandi asks Nene if there’s some issue between her and Prison BAE, and Nene goes straight-up HAM, “I’ve never been out with Tyrone!” Kandi interprets this as a bit of a confession, cool your jets, TURBO – “who said that???”

who said that

Nene continues on, “we’ve never kissed, we’ve never held HAMS, we’ve never shopped at the A&P together, we’ve never watched “The Apprentice” together…”  Wow, this is a complicated tapestry.  SBS joins the group at about 2:00 a.m., Marlo drags SBS into her terror-dome, and forces her to put on leopard print every-THANG and some heels she can’t even walk in.  SBS gets the line of the night… referring to Marlo’s shoes, “what are these, size 15’s?!”  Marlo demands SBS hand over her boobs for a good ol’ fashioned duct taping.  50-Cynt walks in, acting like she’s never seen or applied silver duct tape before, and she seems to not realize they were taking the photo shoot quite this far.  Note to Marlo:  next time at Wal-Mart, look for leopard print duct-tape to complete your outfits!

SBS hobbles along, like a middle-aged housewife far away from her Wal-Mart sweats.  Eva demonstrates some simple model poses on the stairs, they set SBS down carefully and Marlo equips her with a shiny gold prop phone.  Okay Marlo, duct tape, old-timey prop phones… I can almost hear the circus music playing on a loop within her head.  50-Cynt and Eva are trying to create wind with the room service platters, but fail miserably.  The photos are a li’l rough to say the least, but Prison BAE ain’t picky!

Marlo boobs

The next day, the women are all groggy and draggin’ ass.  That’s whatcha get when you twerk your ass off until 4:00 a.m.!  Again – BRAVO… why are we not getting ALL this footage?  Shamea has Kandi and SBS as a captive audience over breakfast, so she uses the opportunity to find out the real dirt on Nene and Prison BAE.  Kandi gives a replay of getting “chewed out” by Nene’s Petco choppers the night before, like she seriously thought she was going to have to Vaseline her face and fight.  SBS gives a recap of how she met Prison BAE, it turns out that SBS, Nene, and Wigs-n-Cigs were all involved in an event that Prison BAE coordinated.  Nene demanded more money for the event and we flash back to six years ago when Nene and SBS had it out.  Ahh… the flashback, before the makeup was matte, the weaves were crafted out of synthetic barbie hair, and Tyrone was still relegated to being a voice on the phone.  This was the “Trump Checks”, “fix your teeth”, “fix your face”, “Petco Choppers”, “car towed at Home Depot”, blowout of epic proportion.  Nene and SBS didn’t talk for about four years after this, so SBS believes this is the “elephant in the room”, to which Nene has been referring.

tyrone phone

Six hours later, they are all makeup-caked, contoured, wig-glue securely dried, and ready to be seen in public.  The Spanish citizens are protesting the government so there’s rioting in the streets and the ladies are wary of the constant police sirens.  50-Cynt starts some weird shit on the party bus of the damned, licking her lips and telling Kandi she would be a wonderful housewife.  50-Cynt, for the love of all that is good and descent, KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF!

The women are meandering around town and 50-Cynt spots a blinged out ham, clothed in leopard print stockings and size 15 Louboutin’s.  It’s an aged ham restaurant and the ladies try some samples, Eva says it smelled like “fart”, and Shamea notes that her ham must have been aged during no-shave November.  Nene is totally freaked at the thought of chomping down the jambon sample, and SBS is reading tonight… “don’t act like you’ve never had old meat before!”  After they eat the rotten jambon, they separate into two gossiping factions.  Kandi, Shamea, and SBS set their HAM-bitions on finding another restaurant with fresher meats and large drinks.

old ham

Eva is left with rotten jambon to pick, she asks Nene why she reacted so strongly to the subject of Prison-BAE and Nene bears her Petco fangs, warning Eva to never mention him in her presence again.

The next day, Marlo tells Nene that SBS isn’t giving her the time of day and Nene uses the opportunity to throw SBS under the fastest moving bus in Spain.  SBS brought Wigs-n-Cigs into her home and she knew about the water bug video and never forewarned her, SBS only rides for SBS … and Prison BAE.  My reunion fodder sensors are perkin’ up!

Meanwhile, in another suite, 50-Cynt decides to mandate a spiritual positivity day and advises the group they will drive 90 minutes to a special location where she will hold a pretend re-baptism.  All aboard the party bus of love, light, and spiritual cleansing.  These beyotches are going to need some boiling water and borax to cleanse their souls!  50-Cynt wants positivity, damnit!  She encourages the ladies to share something uplifting… a poem, blotting papers, duct tape, or…  Kandi breaks out her iPhone voice recorder and sings a few lines from her new song, which is basically “Fuck Fake People, STFU”.

They arrive at Costa Brava, 50-Cynt gives a speech and each woman is handed a candle with a name of the women they most despise and they must say three nice things about their person.  They all smack-down some pretty shady, back-handed positivity, oh and Marlo’s boob pops out of her top.  Where’s the duct tape when you need it?  50-Cynt gets in the water and splashes it on her boobs, more of a morning after “ho-bath” than a spiritual cleansing!

Ho-Bath

Next time – SBS delivers word back to Wigs-n-Cigs, Nene has a crisis, Kandi confronts Wigs-n-Cigs