Nose Job, Criminal, Bang, Bang, Bang

We are still in Stowe, VT where everything has been so nice, oh well…except for that fight where Robyn threatened to rage on Jac’s re-done ass and punch her in the re-done face.  Dolores approaches Melissa with care, please ask Robyn, your bitch-ass, hanger-on, fake friend to leave.  Saved by the Siggy, who weighs in, it’s either Robyn or Jacs and Tre has the final say.

Jacs has a case of the sads and goes into the ugly cry because her love of Tre is overpowering and she feels rejected.  Siggy tries to talk her off the ledge, but period emotions are flowing and there isn’t a night time maxi-pad absorbent enough to contain them.  Someone get Jacs some mood stabilizers and a Midol, STAT!

Melissa obtains the verdict, Tre doesn’t have to think twice.  Jacs needs to beat feet, however Robyn and her partner have been playing with a home perm kit and they decide they will get the hell outta dodge.

Later, everyone arrives at the Matterhorn for another ill-fated dinner of doom.  All that fightin’ has worked up an appetite.  Tre points out that there are two empty seats and confronts Jacs about why that would be.  Tre takes Robyn’s side because Jacs took the whole thing to next level crazy by sitting on Robyn.  She labels Jacs with words such as “manipulative” and “calculated”.  Jacs is visibly hurt and gets up to leave.  Chris steps in to diffuse, “She loves you!  Learn to trust.  Heart in right place!”  Tre is more concerned with the fact that she has tap water in her glass, someone get her some bottled water, STAT!  Jacs points out that Tre cannot be around any kerfuffle due to her parole and Jacs did all of this for Tre, “You table flippin’ bitch!”

jacs-table-flippin

We flash back to the history of Tre – chasing a prostitution whoo-ahh out of a country club, flipping tables, throwing OHAC as if he were a chew toy, but yet Jacs stood by her side.  Jacs brings up stripper-gate, and tries to drag Melissa into the melee.  Melissa thinks Jacs is a jelly bean and can’t handle Melissa and Tre having been BFFL for a hot minute.  Melissa refuses to engage and Jacs deems her as another soldier.  The acrylic nail of death makes an appearance, “you fake, phony, bitch!  Four nose jobs!”

jacs-in-mels-face

Through all of this, I am shocked that Joe hasn’t jumped in.  The sedatives must have kicked in.  In her next bizarre move, Jacs dials Kim D. to put her on the speakerphone of truth!  Tre comments – “why you alwasy gotta call people on da’ phone?”  Siggy is still trying to logically narrate the fallout, but Dolores notes this is simply part of visiting the RHNJ Zoo.  Speaking of the Zoo, the animals are hongray so Dolores orders three helpings of chicken wings.  Tre feels threat-ennned.  Jacs yells “CRIMINAL” and walks out.  For Tre, it’s nothing that tearing at a chicken wing like a savage beast won’t solve.

jacs-leave-dinner

Siggy and Dolores check in with Jacs, but she is fine with how things ended because she now sees that Tre hasn’t changed.  Siggy retreats to her villa and decides to take a stand, “eff her and eff her, I’m going home, I’m out!”  Siggy recounts the fight, acting like animals, Kathy/Rosie, festering, Posche, mosh, bosch, and fosch, nose job, criminal, bang, bang, bang.  Dolores feels bad, poor Siggy didn’t know what she walked into when she sold her relationship expert soul to Bravo.

Back at the Goo-boo-chay household, the girls are having a rather peaceful dinner with their criminal father.  They are going to miss Juicy Joe, he acts as if he’s going away to fat camp.  Milania can’t get her brain around this “your’e belly is all stretched out now and it can’t go back in.”  Juicy Joe asks his girls in earnest, “you really think I’m fat?”  Milania responds with the kiss of death, “you’re fatter than pregnant people.”  Juicy Joe changes the subject, they better take out the garbage, feed the fambly pet, help their mother, oh and buy him an effing MIRROR!  They do a fambly fist bump and all is well.

The next day, Tre gets a call from her Mucinex slug and recounts the fight.  “She called me the C word, but not C U Next Tuesday.”  As if that would have been better?  Tre and Melissa arrive at Siggy and Dolores’ room and Siggy breaks down and announces she is leaving.  She starts demonstrating her frustration by throwing decorative apples around the villa, Dolores slams her hands down on the Formica countertop, “I’ve had enough!”

dolores-siggy-had-it

Dolores.  Gives.  The.  Best.  Commentary.  Ever.  “Melissa comes in like she’s going to Studio 54 with a full face on and Tre is dressed like Milania.  They are not the epitome of empathy.”  No, these two beyotches DGAF – they’ve got a face full o’ contouring and they are ready to show it off to the world.

Tre and Melissa boogie out of Siggy’s villa, happy to spend “bonding time” alone.  They take a ride on a gondola up a mountain and Tre gets all teary eyed over Juicy Joe’s impending trip to “camp”.  Tre and Melissa are so in love right now.  They take a few selfies and cawwwl it a day.

tre-melissa-selfie

Jacs and Chris are back home, safely secluded in their McMansion.  What better way to decompress than with fatty cured meats and cheeses, oh and a debriefing with Kathy.  Not much to see here, but Jacs has an epiphany that should have been evident long ago, Tre never gave three wet farts about her.

Next week, Siggy gets a warning, Melissa confronts Derek about filming Tre accepting cash only for bootleg copies of her book, and Jacs and Dolores get an earful from Kim D.

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Oridnary Endings

Well this finale was about as exciting as a Jiffy Lube waiting room.  The ATL broads seemed to recede gently into the night this week… that is until the reunion where the misguided insults and weave scraps will be flying around faster than Apollo with a power tool.

Nene is in NYC prepping for her Broadway debut with yet another bad wig.  She takes Brentt and Gregg out on the actual stage where she will realize her dreams and Gregg is completely gob smacked.  Later, she meets with the director to go over a few final notes from her last rehearsal and her nerves are running amuck.  She notes that the only cast mate who contacted her was Phaedra via text.  Yeah, it’s lonely at the top…oh and when you act like a raging hemorrhoid, inflamed with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns.  Nevertheless, Nene receives a standing ovation and as she exits the stage door, she is hounded for autographs and photos by her fans.

Cynthia and Peter are packing up the old Bar None and Cynthia is excited to be Peter’s new partner at the new Bar None, despite the fact that it will burn up the last of her modelin’ money.  They reminisce about the mediocre times they had in the old bar and fold up Cynthia’s larger than life sized portrait…which Peter plans to hang up in his other new bidness venture that he neglected to tell his wife about, “Peter’s Brew!”  Peter shows her the space and mentions that it’s only $1,500 a month and it’s a goldmine!  As he is trying to convince her that the coffee shop will pay the bills while the new Bar One is still being scavenged for scrap metal, he is saved by the bell and receives a call from inmate, Apollo Nida.  Apollo grumbles about not being able to see his children, Phaedra the devil, blah blah blah.  Don’t you have some toilets to scrub, Nida?  Cynthia decides to stay out of the chocolate mess, but Peter has no qualms blurting out that Phaedra has filed for divorce annnnnd just in time, Apollo’s telephone time is shut down like a strip club serving rancid clams!

Meanwhile, across town, Phaedra is at home busily botching up snowman cookies with her sons.  Phaedra explains to us that the prison has specific rules for children and infants, and it’s in Kentucky so she can’t just hop on the back of Bun’s crotch rocket motorcycle and take a day trip.  Besides, this woman can barely make snowman cookies that don’t resemble a blob of baby puke.  But the ever-handy Ms. Parks whips out her round cookie cutter from the Martha Stewart collection to try to salvage the deformed snowmen.  Life twirls on…

Kandi and Todd are heading to see Mama Joyce for her housewarming party.  Todd is already having a cocktail in a red Solo cup to remove the razor sharp edge that goes along with visiting his mother in law from hell.  Todd asks Kandi if they need to take anything and Kandi laughs, (and gets line of the night), “uhhh…I took the house over there!”

When they arrive, Todd barrels up in his large pickup truck and destroys some grass and a Malibu light.  Riley adds to the tension, pointing out that Mama won’t be happy because she “already doesn’t like you”.  Yes, YOU Todd!  Mama Joyce is prancing around in her Joyce DeWitt wig from “the formative years collection”, and she takes credit for doing all the cooking, but her sassy sisters rat her out.  Kandi decides this is the time to announce that Todd’s job will be keeping him in L.A. and she will be moving there for a few months!  I sense that she has not mentioned this to Riley, who appears super pissed.  Riley plays the “what about school and my future” card, but to no avail.  Mama Joyce looks like she is about to spew venom into Todd’s eyes and wield her Wal-Mart Wedgie of Death, but instead she gives the patented “half-assed” apology that she learned from watching RHNJ.  She apologizes to Todd “if” she has said anything to offend him and for repeating what she heard on the street about his mother.  Kandi is thrilled about the non-apology, but Todd doesn’t think it’s genuine.

Mama-Joyce-Apology

In cray cray Kenya land, she has put together her pilot and is hosting a screening party for the ladies.  As the women arrive, they enter a staged wedding reception brimming with a cavalcade of crazy.  They have rice thrown in their faces, a harpist strummed while an opera singer sang “Life Twirls On….and on and on”, and let’s not forget the ribbon dancers!  The bartender has prepared specialty drinks for each housewife.  Claw-dia receives a drink aptly named “Hammer Time”, y’know because of her hammer toes and all.  Cynthia is “Rum on the Rocks”, Kandi is “Kandi Koated Drop”, Phaedra is “White Chocolate” “Southern Cocoa”, Porsha is “Flat Line”, and well Demetira…I think the Bravo intern is fetching you a bottle of Ice Mountain spring water.

Kenya comes out in a floor sample wedding dress she snagged at David’s Bridal for $49 and Phaedra notes that she loves a grand entrance, but one that makes sense.  Kenya leads them into a private screening room where they watch the pilot of “Life Twirls On’, which is mostly voice over by Kenya and Cynthia acting crazy bad.  Kenya actually threw in a commercial, starring herself.  Everyone pretends to like it and they have a good time without incident.

Kenya-Bride

They wrap up the party having fun with a photo booth and we receive the obligatory statuses as the credits roll:

  • Nene – she and Gregg bought a new home in the ATL and she is auditioning for several pilots, but “Life Twirls On” is not one of them.
  • Claw-dia – she is considering a tour of open mic nights to hone her comedy chops. No plans to have surgery on her hammer toes.
  • Cynthia – she and Peter are still working on renovating the new Bar One, but Peter’s Brew is boomin’ with all the latest tea.
  • Kandi – she just celebrated her one-year wedding anniversary and she and Todd are undergoing fertility treatments. Their plans to relocate to L.A. are on hold.
  • Kenya – she appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker where she found a new love who was contractually obligated to pretend he had a good time. Her pilot will air on You Tube.
  • Phaedra – she is bee boppin’ along being a single mom and she is keeping her divorce plans under wraps.

Next time, reunion part one, where all the serenity goes in the shitter and Dr. Jeff delves into Nene’s crippling issues with her mother!

Oh What a Tangled Weave…

Everyone is on sugar and oversized furniture overload at the Kandi Factory, it seems the staff is dropping the ball on Kandi’s projects and Todd ain’t happy about it.  Kandi has a pow-wow with her team about working cohesively to make her brand bigger.  Don Juan cannot hide his disdain, for he knows this is coming from Todd, the miniature spouse that could.  Don definitely feels “somekindaway” about Todd, “I definitely think we should take a look at Kandi Burruss prior to Todd.  We have stores all across the United States, a successful Bedroom Kandi line, and a songwriting career that spans across 60 million records sold plus a Grammy.  Annnnd Todd Tucker’s resume reads what? I’ll wait on it…”

Kandi-Meeting

After the reprimand, Don plops down in the hot pink office chair in front of Kandi to voice his opinion about Todd’s meddling.  He doesn’t get too far with her, citing examples of how he has sacrificed his personal life for her and she basically tells him he is “ride or die”, so pick up your nut sack and get out of my hot pink pleather chair!  Later, Todd and Don get into it, Todd spouts off some delusional idea about how Kandi should be collaborating with Obama, but “at the end of the day” they just want Team Kandi to be better and Don Juan has to manage and lead in a way that allows him time for his own personal life.  They fist bump it out, but of course, this doesn’t go down without a final read from Don about Todd needing a step stool so they can talk eye to eye.

DonJuan

Meanwhile, across town, Claudia Jordan tries to make nice with Porsha Stewart since they rub elbows at work, but Porsha snubs her peachy replacement.  Claudia suspects the snub is Kenya-related, but I think Porsha is still reeling from her “Peach REVOKED” status.  Porsha should just be gracious and be glad someone in ATL who isn’t Kordell Stewart is writing her a check.

Cynthia pops over to a boutique in her royal blue cloak and matching royal blue umbrella and Kenya meets her in torn jeans and a floppy hat.  Claudia will be coming along later and Cynthia is hyped, “she seems really cool.”  Yeah, until she pisses you off.  Claudia arrives and they start trying on footwear, but Claudia declines because she has self-described “struggle toes”.  Kenya asks if they resemble the “Boomerang toes”, but Claudia says she wishes they were that nice.  ICYMI:

BoomerangToes

Cynthia brings up her issues with Porsha and the “We Hate Porsha Williams” club is now fully formed.  Claudia quickly obtains platinum member status with her work-snub tale.  Kenya encourages Claudia to have a sit down with Porsha, but warns her that Porsha is dumber than Handerpants.

Handerpants

The other half of the faction, known as “The Kenya Moore Hate-Club”, hits the spa.  I hope Phaedra plans to get a polish change, her nails are creepy long and neon yellow.  Although, she no longer looks like a busted can o’ biscuits, the “Prison Stress Diet” is working to her favor.  The gang discusses the Porsha/Cynthia caucus and Porsha claims Cynthia (“Mini-Nene with a long face”) did the “robot read” and recited things from a list Peter created.  Because as we know, Peter Thomas is the diabolical puppet master of the ATL.  Nene chimes in and says that she was blindsided by Cynthia at the reunion and will never be friends with her again, but wishes her the best and has “no hate for her and her afro.”  The convo turns to Apollo-gate and Nene doesn’t believe that he lied at all and he only lied about lying just to sting Phaedra.  As her latest minion, Porsha backs up Nene on the new conspiracy theme.

Apollo and Peter get together at Bar One for a drink and Apollo trash-talks Phaedra by revealing that she used to booty call him when he was living in the projects, wearing an ankle monitor, and sleeping on an air mattress.  Peter clarifies, “She used to come see you when you was on the air mattress, Dawg?”  “Yes, on the AIR MATTRESS!”  Ergo…since she was hotter than a half-f*cked fox in a forest fire over him, despite him being down and out, living on an AIR MATRESS of all things, she should still be his ace boon coon today.  Somewhere, Phaedra Parks is mortified and fashioning a shiv out of his old ankle monitor casing.  Apollo further explains that Kenya made him look bad by revealing the texts that he did send her, so he decided to flip the script on her because he hadn’t yet perfected his backpedal shuffle.  Get a clue asshole, you make yourself look bad all on your own.  Peter says he spoke to Kenya about the lies and she “seemed cool”.  Apollo has the audacity to flash a grin…“do you think she’ll come visit me?”  Yeah ass hat, she can’t wait to hide crank in her coochie crack and smuggle it into prison for you, so you can trade it for commissary…As if

We are treated to a brief interstitial of Ayden picking out a puppy.  I cannot even believe this sweet, precious boy was spawned from immoral, pump-n-dump Apollo sperm.  Did your heart just melt when he was training the dog?  “Stay in control”, “Excuse me! I’m walking the dog!”, “I know all about dogs!”  I think he should get his own show!  If anything, he is living proof that Phaedra’s marriage to Apollo was not a total loss.

Ayden-Dog

Claudia and Porsha meet up for lunch and Porsha gives her the courtesy of being on time.  Claudia cuts right to the chase and tells Porsha she felt the work-snub was shady and she don’t want no trouble.  Porsha claims it’s nothing personal, but Claudia throws out the Kenya card and suggests that Porsha and Kenya work it out.  Porsha’s head spins around a few times and she says something about her “intellectual mind frame”, as if it’s something she picked up at Pottery Barn, and then concludes by telling Claudia to mind her bidness when it comes to the rift with Kenya.  Next, Stonewall Jackson artfully changes the subject by applying some Tom Ford lotion and asks Claudia to smell her hands.

Kandi and Kenya get together for a kick-you-while-you’re-down boxing work out.  While they are stretching, Kandi admits that she didn’t believe Kenya’s denials about text-gate and offers her an apology, which Kenya appreciates.  Of course, Kandi the shit-stirrer in training, can’t leave well enough alone.  Kandi fills her in on the conspiracy spa-day of horrors and tells Kenya that the main gang thinks Apollo lied about lying.  Kenya loses her shiz, storms off, and shoves the cameras out of her face for heightened drama.  We can still hear the audio as Kenya sobs about this rumor and Kandi presumably hands her a wad of toilet paper.

Kenya-Bathroom

Next week it looks like we will be treated to the Bravo mandated group dinner from hell where enemies collide.

(Photo Credits:  Bravo.com and StraightfromtheA.com)

Hair Affair

I must be evolving as a species, because I feel completely bored with this season of RHNJ so far.  The first 45 minutes of this episode is mostly trivial interactions serving to build up to the “First Responder” shindig fallout that we have all been waiting for.

Melissa keeps crashing her Bentley, Joe Gorga claims they have money issues, which he admitted on “Watch What Happens Live” is a ploy for him to try and curb Melissa’s spending.  Good luck with ‘dat.  While they wait for the estimate to repair her bumper, Joe fills her in on the “guys nite out” and calls Jim “Pencil Dick” because he didn’t show up.  Ummm…Joe how would you know the accuracy of that statement, hmmmm?  Joe is ready to rock out with his cock out at the upcoming “First Responder” party and plans to confront Jim about the trash talkin’ he’s been doing.  The phony estimate to repair the Bentley is shown and it’s $7,062.00.  Hell, for that he should just buy her a Prius and be done with it.  Less room for shopping bags and she wouldn’t be caught dead in it.

Across town, Dina is cleaning out her dream closet and I have to say, it’s pretty fabulous.  She and Tommy decided to forgo all the gold and marble in their dream home and invested wisely in a dream closet where Dina now laments her shoe habit and must pare down her collection from 400 pairs to at least 380.  Her assistant is going to have to pry that pair of teal cowboy boots out of her cold dead hands!  Dina realizes that her shoe dilemma is two-fold, she buys shoes to fill the void that she experienced while married to Tommy, but she can’t let go of the shoes because it’s one step closer to separating completely from Tommy.

Tre, Melissa, and the Non-Dynamic Duo meet at a costume shop to find their “First Responder” costumes.  Tre looks like she just returned from a rummage sale at the Neverland Ranch.

Costume Shop

Melissa wants to be a sailor, but Tre is not sure that a sailor is a “first respondsers”.  Hopefully, there will be a real fire fighter at the party because between the hairspray and these costumes made in China, these beyotches are going to be highly flammable.  Melissa asks Nicole for an update on what happened after the twins fled the boutique once the can o’ “homewrecker” beans were spilled.  Melissa fills Tre in on what Jim had said about their fambly, but Tre wants no part of this hot mess express.

Slutty Costumes

Another day at the Goo-boo-chay house of fun, Milania is showing the girls a trick she learned from mommy and she is looting for coins in the couch cushions.  She tells her sisters “stuff your money in your bra!”  Ah the innocence of youth, everyone knows you can’t stuff coins in a bra!  Tre is trying to give Milania a lesson in “using our indoor voice”, but Milania ain’t havin’ it.   Tre talks about how Milania inherited her temper and we are treated to a wonderful trip down memory lane and we see a montage of table flippin’, Andy Cohen rag doll throwin’, venom spewing moments.

Amber Alert and fambly are filming their next commercial and all we learn here is that Jim doesn’t love this job, but is only in it for the skrilla.  His passion is to be a writer and he’s already written three books.  Great, jack of all trades, master of none another aspiring author.

Nicole and Bobby are excited to be throwing their first party together, how appropriate the theme is “first responders”, ugh.  Nicole invited a man to force on Dina, even though Dina has told her she is not ready to date.  Nicole thinks love can blossom anywhere, hell she met Bobby at Dunkin’ Donuts, which makes me wonder what the hell went on at that DD based on Nicole’s love of a good donut.  But alas, Dina’s energy is all wonky, Mars is in retrograde with the seventh circle of hell.

Dina is having trouble selecting an outfit for the party and tells us she is not so good at “ho-ing it up”.  Speaking of hoes…the Gorgas and Goo-boo-chays share a limo en route to the party and Tre can’t figure out Melissa’s costume, “what is a SQUAT team?”  Well Tre, it’s a team that goes #2 competitively, they line up the commodes and squat.  First one to clog the plumbing, wins!  Oy…on to the next thing…the group starts strategizing on how they can collectively attack Jim.  Juicy mumbles something about not giving a shit who he is or what he does, he could work with farm animals for all he cares.  Oooohhh, good burn Juicy, burn…

At the Amber Alert zone, Jim wanted to dress up as himself and be a lawyer, but he settles for wormy cop so that Amber Alert can be a police woman in a pleather cat suit who sets her makeup gun to “third-shift ho”.

Back at the party, Nicole has positioned herself to receive an apology from Nicole, but my magic hate ball says “all signs point to snowball’s chance in HELL”.  Nicole’s friend, Matt, arrives and he is being prepped on meeting Dina.  She is not ready to date, I tell you!  How many times does she need to repeat this?  Dina shows up to the party in her “I don’t give a shit” scrubs, but she actually looks cute.  The script Something tells me that Matt will eat it up.  When Matt does ask Dina for a date, she rejects him and proceeds to review the details of her negative relationship history.  Way.  To.  Go.  Matt persists and Dina finally concedes as she is obligated to under her contract with Bravo.

Dina Scrubs

The party is in full swing down in the rumpus room.  Kathy and Rosie show up, Rosie is dressed in all black and calls herself a sniper.  Kathy is dressed as Steve Urkel for some reason, but she came bearing her cannoli so she is an immediate hit with the Non-Dynamic Duo.

Now the part we have all been waiting for, the storm is a-brewin’.  Amber and Jim arrive at the party and they are all smiles.  Ter-ess-uh gives Amber Alert the cold shoulder and leads her over to Nicole who is on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Melissa jumps in and asks how this negative stuff got started and Nicole immediately throws her under the bus for starting the drama by repeating Amber’s incendiary comments.

Fight3

Amber Alert summons Melissa and Nicole to get their asses upstairs and she snaps at Nicole.  Nicole takes offense, gets in her face and grabs a handful of Amber Alert weave.  And thank goodness, we haven’t had a good ol’ fashioned hair pullin’ in a few seasons now!

Amber Alert

Amber gets away and then Ter-ess-uh grabs her hair, finally Rosie shoulders her way in and breaks it up.  As Amber Alert backs away from the drama, Ter-ess-uh throws cocktail in her face.  They continue to fight and there is more hair pulling and finally Matt and Jim break it up.  Amber Alert erupts like a river of ferocious magma, she flips what hair she has left, and yells “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  I hope you’re happy, Melissa!”

Amber Alert tells the camera that she never said that Nicole wrecked a home, but cut to the video tape…and yup, she said it.  As Amber Alert and Jim leave, they find Bobby in the kitchen and Jim lays the pile of Amber’s hair on the counter to dramatize what just went down in Bobby’s rumpus room.  Have we taught you nothing, Jim???  Amber Alert is going to need that tuft o’ weave for part 41 of the reunion show, EVIDENCE!

Amber in Kitchen

Rino comes upstairs and gets in Jim’s face, chiding him for not wanting to hang out with the men.  Now it’s out of the bag that Bobby told the guys why Jim didn’t want to come out for guys nite.  I think the Bravo intern needs to remind Amber Alert and Jim that they are on camera and their shit talking is being broadcast on national television.  Nothing is sacred after you signed that Bravo contract in blood.

Joes fighting

Ok so, Joe is also spewing at Jim and Jim leans in to tell Joe that he works for the prosecutor that is prosecuting Juicy.  But yet, it’s okay to be cast on the same show with Juicy…whatevs.  Jim is an idiot, he looks like the guy who poses on the package of irregular underwear.  Next week, the men take it outside and Jim may actually need a real first responder.

Hello world!

Hello everyone, welcome to my attempt at a blog.  I am doing this mainly because my friends and family really liked my weekly American Idol recaps and because I like to comment about many of the hot delicious messes that grace our television sets weekly.  They said, “Lisa, you should start a blog!”  And blog I did, Enjoy!