School of Read

She by Shereé is still keepin’ it real where we left off and Kim is ready to cut a beyotch with her mouth, meaning she may spew some cutting words that only become part of her vocabulary when she is fully possessed by the real housewives mutant demon of death.  The latest rumor is that Chris is “fruity or gay”, as if they are all in 7th grade trying to win a spot at “cool girls” lunch table by having the juiciest gossip of the day.  Everyone is bailing out of the shit pot, acting as if they weren’t fervently gossiping about this the night before.  She by Shereé, Phaedra, and Porsha admit that they Googled Chris and read the words “fruity husband.”  Kenya jumps in, “we don’t care if he’s gay or if you guys having tax problems.”  Wait…what the wha???  Where did this “tax problem” thing come into play and why can’t Kenya say anything without throwing a backhanded shady curveball?!?!  Cynthia and Nene go on record that they defended Chris and Kim and wanted no part of this ugly conversation.  Kim pulls her “go to” move and leaves saying she has to get to bed because she has an early morning.  Like the last kid chosen for the dodge ball team, Kenya is left sinking in the shit pot by herself.

Kim - WTF

The next day, Nene, Kim, and Phaedra have breakfast and the two veteran housewives attempt to guide Kim toward a bully beat down and suggest she de-pants Kenya at recess.  However, the only one who really needs a good dressing down is Phaedra!  She looks like she should be twirling a baton and doing high kicks in a 4th of July parade!  Phaedra redeems herself by giving some solid advice and doing a spot-on impression of Kenya.  She advises Kim to chop the snake off at the head and say something to Kenya like “Listen honey, I am Baby Butterworth.  I came out the womb actin’ honey, but you came out actin’ a foo!”  Now there’s a solid insult.  Read school is in session and Nene plays the role of Kim, being calm and dismissive.  Phaedra takes the role of Keyonce… “I’ve been in two movies that went straight to blockbuster!”, then she starts twirling in her red, white, and, blue frock so fast that she may turn into Wonder Woman.

Phaedra Twirling

They all get a big cackle out of it, but Kim finds solace in her bible and prayer cloth, her elevator doesn’t go down to that level.

Meanwhile, Back in ATL, Kandi and Todd visit a European Hookah lounge to meet with the chef and try some of his cooking in hopes that he will be a candidate for their ill-fated OLG restaurant idea.  The OLG is on board, except for Aunt Bertha.  However, what Aunt Bertha is on board for is strolling into the empty Hookah lounge and shouting into the air at no one in particular, “I need a rum-n-coke!”  The chef serves the group various items including deviled eggs, French toast and chicken, salmon, ribs, etc.  Aunt Bertha fusses over everything, except the ribs.  Bertha throws some serious side-eye, still no sign of that rum-n-coke.  Nothing much more to side-eye see here, the gang decides they are moving forward, but plan to interview a few more chefs so that Kandi can get more of her chicken and waffle on.  Hopefully next time with some dippin’ sauce.

Aunt Bertha

Back in Jamaica, the gang is heading off to Dunn’s River Falls for the day.  But first, Kim must phone her hubby to refresh and nurture her “beautiful, uninfected spirit”.  She fills Chris in on the “fruity or gay” rumors and “folks jumpin’ on Google to determine if he was straight or not.”  Chris takes this as a compliment, rule #147 in life “if they Google you, they are shook!”  They have a good laugh and are grateful that they are the only ones in the cast who haven’t been thrown into Saturday detention.

At the waterfalls, everyone straps on their waterfall climbing shoes, but the women are all bitching that the water is too cold.  Porsha decides to crawl because it’s so slippery and she doesn’t want to perform the impromptu splits and blow the seam of her Fabletics spandex pants wide open with that corn fed ass.  Kenya and Matt, insisting on being the stars of gym class, scale their way to the top first and act as if they have won the Amazing Race or some shit.  It ends up alienating them further as everyone else uses the opportunity to bond and help one another up the falls.

Porsha - twerk on falls

After they complete their mission, Peter announces they are going to a Jamaican Jerk Chicken joint for dinner, that serves amazing chicken and allows the patrons to smoke fat joints.  At that thought, Gregg gets a burst of energy and he is ready to run to the chicken joint faster than Kandi wolfed down that French toast and chicken dish.  Once at dinner, the women and men separate.  Peter fires up a fat ass blunt and orders round after round of shots for the men, they start talking all kinds of nonsense and we get a drunken admission that Matt “loves Kenya” and Oliver isn’t sure if he can handle all of Porsha’s big bouncin’ ass.

At the mean girls table, Nene broaches the conversation about the Kim/Kenya feud and she invites Kim to put the bible down and put some stank on it.  Kim says her problem is that Kenya has crossed a line of disrespect, which won’t be tolerated.  Kenya, once again, cannot find it in herself to be civil and starts out being condescending, “congratulations on speaking for yourself”… Cynthia tries to interrupt Kenya, but gets a dodgeball straight to the kisser.  Kenya tells Kim that she is indifferent to her and they are simply at an impasse.  Kim feels there should be some level of respect that is “just basic”.  Cynthia reminds Kenya how she rudely pulled out Kim’s chair at their three-way “why don’t I get to direct the ‘mercial meeting”, which caused things to escalate quickly and turn physical.  Cynthia feels that Kenya owes Kim an apology, and then, like a Unicorn on roller skates, Kenya delivers an apology for moving Kim’s chair.  Kim is ready to move her own chair, she accepts the apology for now and quickly exits stage left, she has an early morning Algebra quiz.

Cynthia, her Mickey Mouse statement necklace, Nene, and She by Shereé make a pit stop back at the hotel to have some dessert and Cynthia can’t stop giggling about the dark chocolate balls.  Cynthia thinks Nene has transcended into “Iyanla Fix My Life level” and she wishes to consult her about confronting Kenya about her unsupportive behavior during the ‘Mercial shoot.

It’s the last night in Jamaica and Peter sets up a nice party for everyone and shows up wearing his best Papa Smurf blue suit.  After several cocktails and a twerk-off between the fire dancers and Phaedra and Porsha, they all take their seats for dinner.  Peter delivers a speech about how great the trip has been and he and Cynthia have their spark back.  She by Shereé even admits that the trip has been great and has brought her and Bob closer to reconciliation.  Sure, everyone can get along famously while lounging in tropical paradise on Bravo’s dime!

Peter Blue Suit

Peter reveals that Matt used the word “love” when discussing Kenya and Matt actually owns up to it.  He must have gotten an extra credit from Bravo.  Cynthia asks Kim when she will have some footage of the ‘Mercial, which segues into Cynthia voicing her concern over Kenya’s paddling out to Cuba rather than being supportive on the set.  Kenya says her feelings were hurt because she had two great concepts for Cynthia and she wouldn’t even hear her out.  You dumb beyotch, how about showing up to the scheduled pitch meeting if you are so hell-bent on being heard out?  Cynthia notes that she actually wanted Kenya to be in the commercial, but Kenya scoffs and thinks that changed after Nene returned.  Nene takes umbrage with that and reiterates that she has nothing to do with their rift.  Already having her name on the chalkboard and not wanting any check marks next to it, Kenya actually apologizes to Cynthia for letting her down.  Cynthia accepts the apology and thinks it’s genuine, but Phaedra feels that Kenya is just doing more bad acting!

Well that was a real showdown letdown… We are off next week due to the Oscars, so see you next time.  A lingerie photo shoot, finalizing the ‘Mercial footage, and Phaedra takes the boys to see Apollo.

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‘Mercial Mishegas

This week, it’s all about the ‘mercial and the gang boards another party bus from hell to head out to Kingston for the night.  Cynthia straggles in with Malorie and reveals she is pissed as hell because some “really super awesome person” told Kenya that Cynthia was denying their friendship.  That means YOU, She by Shereé!  She by Shereé’s head whirls around, exorcist style, and she immediately goes into defense mode.  Phaedra pulls a classic, well, Phaedra!  She sits in the back of the bus quietly sipping her double Daiquiri, waiting for the sparks to fly.  Cynthia becomes emotional because her backbone is broken, once again.  She is thrilled to have Nene back in her life and, well damn it, she shouldn’t have to choose which life draining drama queen takes precedence in her life!  Porsha just wants to have fun and points out that there is enough Cynthia love to go around.  Cynthia agrees and rattles off a list of the women, noting how all of the friendships are different, but she neglects to mention Kim.  Kim flies into a hilarious tirade about not being mentioned and screams “STOP THE BUS”.  Points to Kim for bucking the Bravo patented formula for drama by not making “not being mentioned on Cynthia’s friend list whilst on the party bus from hell” into a six week story line.

Nene offers to pay Kenya a visit when they get back to the resort, I’m sure that will go about as well as Trump’s toupee fitting.  The gang arrives in Kingston to visit Papa Smurf’s aunt and uncle and chow down on some good ol’ barbecued goat.  It is here where Phaedra starts to hint that Kim’s hubby, Chris, is a bit “sassy”, setting us up for the cliffhanger…more on that later!

The ladies inquire about Papa Smurf’s temperament when he was young because they just want to understand why he is such a douche nozzle.  Peter reveals he only received the wrath of his father a few times, and he was called “Elvis” and he didn’t even know his name was Peter.  Wait, what?  Anyhoo, as the goat feast winds down, Kim announces that the call time for the ‘mercial is 10 a.m. sharp, and anyone is welcome to attend.  Kim warns Phaedra and Porsha to leave the butt floss at home and dress conservatively so as not to detract attention from the product.  Marketing wiz, Phaedra insists that “booty sells” and ends up showing up at the ‘mercial shoot commando and Porsha wears a bikini two sizes too small.  More on that later…

Meanwhile, back at the resort, Kenya and Matt go to the hotel spa and Kenya gives Matt her entire personal history of cast mate drama whilst soaking in the hot tub.  Matt is clearly Kenya’s latest ass brained chucklefuck who agreed to be Kenya’s boyfriend in exchange for camera time.  As Kenya drones on and on about Cynthia, Nene, and the broken friendship contract that never was, he looks like he’d rather take a chainsaw to his insides.

Nene pops by Kenya’s room to rip her a new asshole, but things go fairly smoothly and Nene convinces her to join the rest of the ladies for a nightcap by the pool.  When they arrive, Cynthia apologizes to her and professes her undying love and friendship for Kenya in front of the group.  Smart move…witnesses!  Since Kim is smartly getting some rest before the big ‘mercial day tomorrow, the girls decide this would be a perfect time to gossip about Kim and perpetuate rumors about her hubby, Chris.  Phaedra says he is sassy “He’s definitely got a little fire in his fireplace”.  Nene points out that Chris has a lot of personality that Kim doesn’t have, and Kenya cheerfully chimes in, “they call him ‘Chrissy”, “in the industry”.  She must be referring to the defunct work out video and fake hair product “industry”.  Insinuating that Chris is attracted to men is once again Kenya grasping at her rapidly dwindling supply of straws.  She has used this maneuver a few times, Walter – the tow truck drivin’ fake boyfriend, Kordell – Porsha’s ex, and now Chris.  Heads up Matt…you don’t know it yet, but you’re on your way to being labeled as a gay man!  I really wish a unicorn on roller skates would roll in and impale Kenya and deflate her stupid, stupid ass.

Of course Cynthia and She by Shereé both confess to the camera that they want no part of this gossip, but neither one will shut it down in the moment.  Bravo must have a gag order on common courtesy.  The only one who chimes in to save this ill-fated line of conversation is li’l Porsha, who says she never got a “gay vibe” from Chris.

Meanwhile, the manly men hit the bar to have a drink and Matt joins them.  Gregg’s low grade beaver tranquilizer hasn’t worn off yet and he keeps calling him “Max”, while Papa Smurf drills Matt for deets on his upbringing, his blood type, and his inseam measurement.  We find out that Matt is only 28 years old, which sends the ATL men reeling.  Peter has a son that age, Gregg has older sons, and Chris has jeans that age.  Dayum, Kim needs to clean that closet!  The best part of this insipid scene is effin’ Bob Whitfield sitting and staring at I don’t know what because his crazy eyes can’t keep up!

Bob-crazy eye

The men are also shocked that Matt doesn’t have any kids, as if birth control is a foreign concept to them.  Matt grows tired, has words with Papa Smurf, and shuts it down like an illegal day care center.  Matt asks him to take a walk, but Peter is about 20 deep into his case of Red Stripe and he can’t risk breaking a hip, so he gives his standard line, “keep it movin’!”

The next morning, Kim is prepping for the ‘mercial and Chris has left the building due to his monthly tap dancing lesson and sewing class.  Kim has flown in her assistant director, Ham.  Gotta love a man named Ham, sounds like he knows how to get shit done!  Cynthia arrives camera ready and Kim goes to town, directing like a boss!

Kim Directing

Back at the resort, the rest of the gang is getting liquored up before piling on the party bus to head out to the ‘mercial location.  Phaedra starts questioning Kenya and Matt about their spa day, insinuating they did inappropriate things in the hot tub and Matt is squirming, because this acting job isn’t what he signed up for.  To hell with them, I’m with Gregg, who wins “most super awesome person” on this bus trip, because he has already checked out for his ol’ man mid-morning nap!

Kenya reviews the call sheet and notes that she isn’t listed, so naturally she takes umbrage and criticizes Kim by calling it “amateurish”.  It’s about 2:45 p.m. and a bad storm is rolling in, but Kim has faith it will pass as the party bus of extra rejects rolls up.  Kim is wrangling the group, and Kenya bitterly realizes she isn’t needed and decides to head out to sea to sulk on a paddleboat with Matt.  Nene and She by Shereé play stylists, and as they stand ashore clutching the bangles from wardrobe, they speculate why they only see Matt in the boat.  It appears Kenya is taking part in an oral transaction with Matt, rather than being supportive of her alleged BFF, Cynthia!  Priorities, beyotch!

Kenya paddle boat

Once they get back to shore, Kenya asks Matt how the men treated him and he called them beyotches and says that “the two ancient brothers” antagonized him by throwing cheap shots and shade, but Matt actually admits he was overly aggressive.

Kim wraps her production by 6 p.m. and everyone is very impressed after watching Kim in her element and directing the shit out of that ‘mercial!  Cynthia announces that she has ordered up unlimited mini-taquitos, lettuce wraps, and Jell-O shots for a wrap party that evening, while Kenya continues being jelly, sulking on her lounge chair with her fake boyfriend.

At the ‘mercial wrap party, Phaedra decides there’s no point in putting on clothing and she shows up in her slip.  Kenya joins the ladies and reveals that Matt is only 28 and Phaedra reacts in her usual way, “Guuuurrrl, you gonna be in the post office, there’s gonna be an alert on you!”  Matt saunters over to play pool with the men and he hands Papa Smurf his 18th Red Stripe as a “peace offering”.  The men make up instantly and now Matt has backup when Kenya turns on him.

Cynthia gives Kim props for her directing work and thanks everyone for being in the ‘mercial.  The subject changes to Chris, and everyone is going on and on about how talented, funny, and uuhhh-mayyyyzzz-ing he is.  She by Shereé, claims she is allergic to fake shit and feels the need to keep it real.  So the Chris chatter is more “fake” than She by Shereé being on a couple’s trip with her crazy-eyed ex?  Oy vey, what can ya’ do…who gon’ check her, boo?  She by Reaching Hard for that Peach blows the lid of the fakeness and tells Kim that things were said about Chris being “fruity or gay”, wow…she didn’t pull any Hawaiian Punches with that revelation!  Kim be chowing on her lettuce wraps like…

Wait What

Annnnd we are left hanging with “to be continued”!  Next week, Kim is ready to cut a beyotch after the fall out from She by Shit Stirring, Kandi and Todd work on their OLG menu, a Kenya/Kim showdown, and a Nene/Kenya standoff.

Best Friends for Never

The gang is off to Jamaica this week and they all have their own ways of packing for the trip.  Porsha is bringing her Costco sized bucket o’ Nair, cuz she ain’t planning on covering up her corn-fed ass.  Peter is sporting the Huckleberry Finn look.  Cynthia is packing her finest caftans so she can conceal her problem areas – the fact that she has yet to inform Kenya that she is not hired to direct her commercial and the fact that Cynthia and Nene have taped together that tore up friend contract.

Peter - Huckleberry Finn

Kim is packing everything, including her hubby, kids, contents of the playpen, and her nanny.  Since this is allegedly a “couple’s trip”, Kenya brings her new faux-boyfriend, Matt, who has weekly rates.  She by Shereé brings her ex-husband, Bob “one eye” Whitfield, which is a bit odd she threw water in his face and hired Counselor Parks to sue his ass for child support.  She by Shereé tells us that Bob is trying to work his way back into her life, but I’m not sure why she would let him…fool me with your bad eye once…

Bob Sheree

After they arrive in Jamaica, they board the party bus from hell to head to their hotel.  As is customary for any shuttle bus ride, someone must haul out the commercial-grade shit-stirring spoon… Phaedra decides this would be the perfect time to ask Cynthia who has been selected as director for the commercial.  Cynthia announces that Kenya missed the pitch meeting so she is going with Kim.  Kenya is seething in her vinyl seat and begins concocting a way to be involved.  Porsha is more concerned about why she isn’t “modelin’ in the ‘Mercial”, but Cynthia is spared giving a response as they arrive at the Moon Palace and Peter’s pride kicks in and he starts talking about Jamaica, his home country.

Back in the ATL, Kandi is doing a bunch o’ shit we don’t care about.  Kandi and Todd have a serious case of FOMO and they wish they could be on the trip.  Later, Kandi admits she doesn’t miss the drama, but then she tells Todd that they don’t need a nanny and Mama Joyce can move in for the first month of Baby Tucker’s life.  Way to avoid the drama.  Meanwhile, Todd is out in the garage fashioning a noose out of Kandi’s old jeggings.

Back in Jamaica, Cynthia calls for a sit down with Kim and Kenya.  Kim arrives first and tells Cynthia she saved more on the budget, which sends Cynthia into school girl giggles, Kim is really impressing her.  Kenya saunters in and Cynthia explains that Kim is killin’ it.  Although Kenya doesn’t say it right away, I think she is taking umbrage to this!!!  Kenya is appalled at Cynthia’s “lack of respect and professionalism” by making her decision without even hearing her pitch, but Kenya fails to see that she missed the actual “pitch meeting”, where she had said chance to be heard.  Cynthia apparently packed a small section of her back bone because she lays it down for Kenya and tells her what a “lack of respect” Kenya showed by blowing off the meeting.  Kenya then launches into a full-blown, bunny-boiling, psychotic attack on Kim.  Kenya goes off six ways from Sunday and throws out stupid insults like a three-year old.  Kenya asks Kim how many commercials she has directed and Kim tells her GOOGLE ME and look at my IMDB credits.  They start arguing, talking over one another.  Kenya calls her “Kim Tootie Fields, did Mrs. Garret teach you how to talk like that?”  If those are Kenya’s best insults, she is really reaching.  Kenya must get some extra Bravo Bucks for behaving like a horrifying shit pile.  Kim says her elevator doesn’t go down to this level and opts to leave, while Kenya decides to pull Kim’s chair out from under her.  With her personal space being invaded, Kim walks away and Cynthia is left at the table, feeling mortified, winded, and bereft.

Kim - Riled up

Kim returns to her suite and erupts in a stream of angry consciousness to her husband, Chris.  She is so riled up, she lets an expletive fly and quickly covers her mouth like the toddler that flushed the hamster down the toilet.  Chris explains this isn’t a prison basketball court and Kenya is just butt-hurt.  He gets a bit riled up too and they cry out a hearty JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

Meanwhile, Phaedra and Porsha are dancing around their suite and they are puffing up their hair like they are headed out for the third shift ho stroll.  They gossip about Kim bringing her kids, Phaedra is “befuddled” and points out that if Kim could bring her sitter, why couldn’t they have stayed home and they should be in school… “Get them off the breast and set yo’ nipples free!”  Oh Counselor Parks, you kill me.

Cynthia and Peter drop in to see Nene and Gregg before they surprise everyone at the group dinner from hell.  Cynthia drops the scoop about the commercial kerfuffle and Peter looks like he would rather have his balls shaved with an orbital sander than listen to this bull shit.  At the dinner, Nene and Gregg stroll in and receive some serious side-eye.  Even to more of everyone’s surprise, Nene announces that she and Cynthia have reunited in BFFL bliss.  Kenya’s head starts spinning 180° at the realization that nobody at the table gives a flying rat’s ass about her.

Peter turns the discussion to squashing the Kim/Kenya beef sangwich, but the now doubly butt-hurt Kenya would rather gouge her eyes out with spoons or light her ass on fire with a lantern than talk about it.  While everyone offers Kenya a spoon and a lantern, Kim tries to calmly explain the sitch, but Kenya and Matt leave the dinner entirely.  Phaedra makes a comment about Cynthia and Kenya being BFF and Nene goes into anaphylactic shock.  Cynthia tries to flip flop to diffuse the scuttlebutt, but Chris chimes in and tells Cynthia she is the only one who can crush all this commercial-grade beef.

The next day, they are headed out for a day trip to Kingston and they are all “getting ready”, translation = slamming drinks so they can tolerate one another.  Meanwhile, She by Shereé is workin’ harder than her color stay lip gloss to try and reclaim her peach!  She drops by Nene’s room to catch up and reaffirm that they have mended ways.  They discuss who is the real BFFL of Cynthia, and Nene deftly points out that Kenya is only a BFFN (best friend for now).  A real friend wouldn’t have put on such an attitude about directing the commercial.  Oh how the tables have turned, Nene claims to know what qualities constitute a real friend and everyone is clamoring for a friend contract with Cynthia.

Friend Contract

Cynthia gets a surprise at the door in the form of her sister, Malorie.  Apparently, Peter arranged for Mal to join them on the trip and no sooner than Cynthia can bask in her happiness of Peter finally “stepping it up”, She by Shereé is bustling over to Kenya’s room to be sure this fight gets started properly.  She by Shereé tells Kenya of the BFFL discussion she had with Nene and Cynthia is basically denying that she and Kenya are friends.  Meanwhile, Matt is laying in the bed looking like he would rather have a back alley colonic than listen to this conversation.

This news sends Kenya scurrying down to Cynthia’s room to confront her about the BFFL/BFFN situation.  Kenya excuses Malorie, but hands her a shiv she has fashioned out of a pooka shell and asks her stick close by in case she needs backup.  Kenya is stunned that Cynthia denied they were friends in the face of Nene’s reprise.  Cynthia tells her they are not BFF, but they are getting closer.  Kenya whines some more and Cynthia asks if she is “done” and then says they “gotta go, Peter is waiting.”  So I guess we’ll seal up this drama into a Ziploc freezer bag and save it for next week.

Next time – filming of the ‘mercial and She by Shereé informs Kim that the girls have been gossiping about Kim’s hubby “being fruity or gay”.