Tasty Sides

It’s the typical, let’s try and smooth out some of these frayed edges, but set up something semi-explosive, penultimate episode.  There are a lot of things still under construction here, so let’s break it down!

Chateau Shereé is still under construction, but it looks like SBS has at least moved on to the outside of the house.  Kenya pops by in her Bentley, but SBS won’t let her past the gate.  Keyna laughs at the 80 bulldozers driving around on the grounds and hardly believes this shack will be move-in ready anytime soon.  SBS extends an invite to her housewarming and sends her neighbor back to the other side of the bog.

Later, SBS and her children are packing up her condo and SBS is astonished at the amount of half-empty liquor bottles in her kitchen cabinets.  Her kids are no help as she slings their belongings into boxes.  As SBS sits down to deflate the final air mattress, she reflects…lesson learned here, never depend on anyone for anything!  Somewhere, Crazy Eyed Bob is crying in a pool of his own sweat.

Cynthia is ready to touch up her edges and move on with her life.  The first 50 years, Cynthia Bailey lived to please others, but now it’s her turn, the next 50 years are all about her!  How long you plannin’ on livin’, guuuurrrl?  Kenya calls and delivers the news that Papa Smurf is in town and creepily driving by their former marital home.

It’s Phaedra’s “burfday” and her BFF, Porsha has planned a two-person party, and what doesn’t scream “LET’S GET TURNT ALL THE WAY UP” like a tray of cold cuts, champagne, and matching Frick and Frack onesies!

Phaedra snackin

These two jump around in their onesies and Phaedra gets “Porshafied”.  Porsha starts putting various wigs on Counselors head, sidebar:  the blonde bob looks surprisingly good on her.  They settle on a black beach wave and retire to the love seat to talk trash.  Phaedra had no intention on attending the OLG opening and her friendship contract with Kandi is officially null and void!

Frick Frack

The OLG restaurant is teetering on the precipice of the extremely soft-opening.  Kandi is taking a final look over Todd’s accomplishments, or lack thereof.  Todd is promising he will get to everything in the next 24 hours, including selecting uniforms, calling in the ultimate dusting crew, installing the A/C units, and creating a menu.  But wait, HOLD UP – the outdoor patio is set up with orange folding chairs instead of the decided-upon accent color yellow chairs of non-folding variety.  Turns out Todd made an executive decision, found a deal on the Halloween party section of overstock.com.

Let’s face it, the OLG restaurant is a ramshackle disaster.  They have dust that would rival Chateau Shereé, the wall art is still printing on the ink-jet, and the CO2 vendor just called and won’t have the canisters delivered until next year.  Kandi and Todd take five, never mind that he hasn’t showered in over a week, he assures her the restaurant will be ready!  She asks how far over budget they are and he reveals $100K over, but Kandi doesn’t even bat an eye ‘cuz she so dayum rich, however she’s ready to burn down the whole operation over those orange folding chairs!

The day of the opening, Todd picks up Papa Smurf at the airport and they conveniently receive a call from inmate, Apollo, the fungus we never knew we wanted.  He wishes he could be there, but he will send his new prison pen-pal beyotch for support by proxy.  Peter asks how he already has a new woman, Apollo retorts, “sometimes you gotta upgrade” – yeah, I guess, if an “upgrade” is a woman who is willing to accept side-piece status as your mugshot is being splashed across the world wide web.  During same three-minute phone call, Apollo drops the news that his divorce isn’t official yet.  This isn’t really earth-shattering, but it casts shade over Counselor Parks, lying again about her status.

Smurf driving around

The pressure is on, Todd has about 30 minions scurrying around hanging pictures, sweeping, and breaking brand new glassware.  This place is literally held together with prayers and chewing gum.  The guests start to arrive and I caught a close up of the specialized drink menu, I think the “Mama Joyce Sour Wedge” is sure to be a best-seller!

We have a series of hella awkward events, Papa Smurf strolling in, Todd making Kandi sing a verse of “I Fly Above” without music, and of course Phaedra’s marked absence.  Perhaps the most awkward moment of the night goes to Apollo’s new girlfriend, Sherien, she walks in and of course Todd and Peter are stationed at a table by the door.  They make their introductions and Todd asks how they met.  She and Phaedra do have one thing in common, giving vague, non-committal answers.  “We found love, leave it at that!”

Todd takes Sherien over to the ladies, who are sitting in a private room, and he introduces her as the “soon to be Mrs. Nida, who is ready to knock your Spanx off”.  Sherien reveals that she had known Apollo for many years and “wifey wasn’t around, so I was”.  Kenya cackles at this news, especially considering the Counselor spewed her seven-year old vitriol on her in Maui.

Sherein

Conveniently, Sherien gets a prison call from Apollo and Kandi’s face indicates she is feeling increasingly uncomfortable.  Apollo makes sure to blurt out that his divorce isn’t final and everyone pretends to be stunned at this unsettling turn of events.  Kandi sets Apollo straight and feels this is “messy”, she makes it clear that she had no idea that Sherien was in the picture.  Sherien waltzes out, as if to say “my pot-stirring work here is done!”Convenient

Next week on the finale, the lawsuit against Kandi escalates and Kandi confronts Phaedra about it, the return of Block, Chateau Shereé is finally open for bidness, but Kenya susses out an unfinished wing of the Chateau, and the return of Wigs-n-Cigs.

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Kiss and Tell

Phaedra and Kenya hit the tennis court, thinkin’ they Venus and Serena Williams.  Kenya is so pleased at their “ever-growing friendship”, but little does she realize they are about to hit some growing pains.  We know they donkey booty HAM on each other by the end of the hour.  Phaedra missed the “leggings are not pants” memo and she looks like Hello Kitty and Sesame Street had a rough night and spewed hangover vomit all over her.  Her camera interview top is hideous as well, she looks like your grandmother’s couch from the neck down.

Phaedra pants

Frikkin’ Cynthia decides to bring Papa Smurf room service and a bedazzled Bible for his birthday.  As they sit, gazing into each other’s eyes over a plate of artichoke and spinach dip, Papa Smurf admits he almost made a booty call to her last night.  Cynthia reminds us again that she would’ve been tempted, because they had no issues in that particular area.  Peter produces a friendship contract and asks her to check the box on where they stand – together, not together, dating other people, or clinging to scraps.  They both feel as if they have failed, Peter wants her back, but Cynthia has concluded she is not the marrying kind.  He leaves his door open and informs her he will not be changing his cell number.

Mini-Todd Tucker has planned a special birthday party for Papa Smurf, and he decides that instead of a pig roast, they will roast Peter.  This is the worst idea in the history of ever.  Frick and Frack roll up in their dresses slit up to the “cootie coo”, Bob Crazy Eyes trails in behind them without SBS.  After SBS shows up, everyone bombards her with questions, but she won’t be discussing anything further with the men around.  THIS MEANS YOU, CRAZY EYES!

Todd kicks off the roast, Phaedra can’t wait to dig in on Uncle Ben and serve him his ass on a platter with a “side of special rice.”  Kandi and her camel toe make some horrid jokes and the rest of the gang also fail miserably.  Most of the jokes are about being older than dirt and broke AF.  Cynthia can’t bring herself to say anything worthwhile, other than how Peter is such a champ at brushing his teeth?  What in the fresh hell is this?  SBS doesn’t see the need for a roast, Peter looks pretty well done already!  SBS FTW!

For the last day in Hawaii, the gang hops on a catamaran for a sunset cruise.  While everyone is out on the deck viewing the sunset, Bob and SBS sit down for a heart to heart talk.  Bob apologizes for whatever he said that ticked her off, which means he still sees nothing wrong with his behavior.  He just mad ‘cuz she walked out on him at the jewelry store.  SBS explains how they never discussed the things that went on in their past, him abruptly leaving when the kids were small and not calling for six months, not paying the mortgage, cutting off her credit cards, joking about murdering her, y’know just a few minor mishaps like that.  OY VEY!  This boy has been hit in the head too many times.  He has no ability to show remorse and then flips out on her.  SBS goes into the way, way, way, ugly, ugly, ugly cry and he continues to act like he didn’t do anything wrong.  Your goose is cooked, Bob.  You will never secure a place at Chateau by Shereé.  Meanwhile, on the upper deck, Cynthia gets her hair tangled in a small fan powered by her iPhone.  JESUS.  TAKE.  THE.  WHEEL!

SBS ugly cry

Kenya announces that she has a surprise for the ladies after they get back to the resort, which is an “I do, I did, I’m done, divorce party”.  We flash back to seven years ago, when SBS held her own divorce party complete with her 50 foot-tall self-portrait, which proves these events never go out of style!  Cynthia walks in and the theme immediately give her a case of the sads.  Phaedra walks in and announces she is sick to her stomach.  No girl, your spanx are too tight!  Turns out that “cackling like hyenas, kissing cartoon penises, and mocking the sanctity of marriage” aren’t received well by Cynthia and Counselor Parks!  Phaedra exits stage left in search of a ginger ale for her upset stomach.  After they are done playing “kiss the penis on the wall”, Porsha gets a text from Phaedra – “I’m good, but appalled that they would think the breakup of a family is a cause for celebration and with the host being the triflin’ woman who was texting my husband, disgusting and disgraceful.”

We flash back to two years ago, when Apollo admitted he lied and Kenya and Phaedra wiped Kenya Moore Whore’s slate clean.  But according to Phaedra, the slate has been dirtied up again.  Phaedra is gulping down her ginger ale, clutching her bosom, sticking to her story about eating some bad Mahi.  Porsha waddles in with her half-drank jug o’ Hennesey.  I have to give it to Porsha tonight, line of the episode – “first of all, what the hell, you done left me in the room, kissin’ dicks on the wall!”  Once you have waddled around a Four Seasons resort, with a half-empty jug o’ Hennesey, uttering those words – CHILE…it may be time to re-evaluate your life!

Kiss wall

Kenya shows up at the door, Porsha thinks it’s room service bearing her pineapple juice, “but an actual pineapple showed up”, meaning Kenya in her bright yellow dress, wearing her “I’m ready to confront” face of doom.  Phaedra feels the party was tacky and given that Kenya played a contentious part in the marriage, it was “a whole ‘nother level of skanky.”  Oh Counselor Parks, how quickly we forget that your no good, deadbeat, huzzzband admitted he lied.  ROLL.  THE.  EFFIN’.  TAPE!  There are not enough prayer circles, Thelma & Louise convertible car moments, and s’mores over the campfire, to save this budding friendship now.  Kenya tries to talk it out, but Phaedra ain’t havin’ it… and nothing says get the hell out of my room like a ginger ale burp to the face.

Kenya - confront

Meanwhile, back at the un-married party, the women cut up the divorce cake and of course, Porsha is happy to take two pieces back to Phaedra’s room.  Hey, you don’t get to dis the party, send hateful texts, and then have your cake and eat it too!  The men show up and break the tension for a while.  At the end of the day, Kandi gives the Hawaii trip five stars, with the highlight being Porsha admitting she is a liar.

Next time, Porsha presents Todd with a Baby-Nup Agreement, Kandi’s former assistant is still pursuing a lawsuit with Counselor Parks at his side, and Matt and Kenya go at it again in a stairwell.

Dust and Shade

The ATL is back, peaches!  Although off to a slow start, I have hopes that She by Shereé will bring back some pot-stirring sass.  Let’s start with thorough analysis of the new tag lines:

  • Phaedra – you can’t always get what you want, but I can. If what you want is to marry a convict and sleep on an air mattress.
  • Porsha – I’m too blessed to be stressed, and too sexy to be thirsty. Beauty fades, but stupid is FO’ EVA’!
  • Cynthia – Cynthia Bailey is ready to walk it alone. You should have RUN out of your wedding ceremony!
  • Kandi – Now that I’ve got my Ace, I have a full house. And a full potty too!
  • Kenya – I give the people what they want, and they always want Moore. Moore of your big booty bullshit.
  • She by Shereé – Don’t call it a comeback, call it a takeover. After all, who gon’ check her, BOO?

gon-check-me-boo

Kandi welcomed her baby Ace on 1/6/16, now he’s five months old and already potty training.  He gon’ have to learn it anyway, why not right outta the chute?  And I’m not talking about a kiddie potty, they have this baby propped up on their adult, oversized Kohler.  Sidebar:  Kandi is sporting some serious “I dream of genie hair” in her floating head interviews.

Across town, Moore Manor is still under construction, shocker.  Kenya calls it “a hot mess, like Porsha without makeup!”  Kenya dated Matt for about a year, but she dumped his ass because he snooped in her cell phone and hulked out in a hotel room.  As if her life isn’t in enough of a ramshackle disaster, she decides to host a housewarming party for her un-done home in T-minus 10 days?  And well, because who needs furniture to party?

In other dueling un-done home news, Chateau Shereé is about finished up, she just needs to spend about a million dollars in accessories.  Shereé wants a show stopper – all who enter will drop their faces off and she will even hire a butler to dust and help people pick up their faces.  She is not to be outdone!

Phaedra is busily getting on with her single life, she has hired a new “Goveness” a.k.a nanny, and she is still besties with Porsha.  As the two are kibitzing about the freaks on “Christian Mingle” over lemonade, a man with a horse drawn carriage delivers a tiara and invitation to Kenya’s housewarming party.  Porsha is not invited, so Phaedra gets the pot simmering by inviting Porsha as her date.

Porsha sees an anger management coach and confesses she was bullied in high school and became depressed and suicidal.  The counselor is like Stonewall Jackson, he gives her a blank, mouth-breathing, stare.  He looks like he’s thinking about how much data he has left on his cellular plan for the month.  He points out some valid points to consider, she is resilient for surviving the bullying in her youth, she must think about her reputation and career now that she is footin’ her own bills, and finally the most valuable lesson of all, short and tight is not her color.

Cynthia is the only one really dealing with anything newsworthy, and that is filing for divorce from Papa Smurf.  She wants to keep the house, which is in her name and she has a prenup that is probably filed away in a safe at her mother’s house along with the marriage license.  Cynthia puts on her best denim shreds and Urkel glasses to pay a visit to her divorce attorney.  He advises her to find the prenup, STAT…hopefully she didn’t accidentally burn it along with that friendship contract.

cynthia-divorce

It’s the night of the big housewarming and Cynthia is first to arrive, she’s appalled at the condition of Moore Manor.  Kenya’s minions are scurrying around, pulling shrink wrap off the furniture and the only semblance of hors d’oeuvres is a half-eaten can of wet dog food on the counter.  Kenya’s home isn’t the only thing unfinished, she forgot half of her outfit.  She is one hot second away from a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction.

kenya-outfit

Cynthia points out the flailing Mylar balloons in the corner that say “I love you” and are from Matt in a half-assed apology attempt.  Nothing says “I’m sorry for snooping through your phone and acting like a ‘roided out psycho in Mexico” like deflated silver hearts.

Cynthia heads downstairs to greet the guests on the makeshift red carpet, while Kenya dabs her tears with a nearby shop towel.  She by Shereé arrives and starts reading every square foot of Moore Manor, as expected.  See, all that sweeping She by Shereé was doing at her un-done home last season paid off!

Kenya is giving everyone a tour, but She by Shereé wants a hard had, dust mask, and a fan.  “Even the dogs had “tittie sweat.”  Kenya picks up on the shade and reiterates “it’s a soft opening”.  Next time, try a soft dust cloth.  All the ladies have dust all over their rented jumpsuits.

Next week, Porsha and Phaedra enter and Matt crashes the party.  She by Shereé cackles in delight, but like she says, who gon’ check me, boo?

shree-cackle

The Future is so Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades

Well everybody, the shady ladies of the ATL are back and who the hell needs a NENE when you have a TOOTIE?!?!  That’s right ladies and gents…we have a new ATL housewife in the ranks.  Kim Fields from the 80’s hit show “The Facts of Life” has joined the cast, although she is not joining the drama until next week.  We got a brief preview of the drama packed season and there isn’t enough false eyelash glue in all of the ATL to keep this shit together.

Let’s start with the taglines:

  • Phaedra: “Only God can judge me, and he seems quite impressed.”  That is sooooo Phaedra.
  • Porsha: “I’m about to give you life, so stay outta my way.”  She hopped off her crazy train and fought her way out of the Underground Railroad to reclaim her peach!
  • Cynthia: “Seasons may change, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style.”  Annnd…Cynthia Bailey is now talking about herself in third person.
  • Kandi: “I’m a hit maker, and this year I will reveal the best one.”  Baby on the way, sure to be her biggest hit (and weight) yet.
  • Kenya: “Don’t come for me unless I twirl for you.”  This twirling shit is soooo season five…

She is not on the intro reel yet, but Kim’s tagline will be:  “Faith, family, and career, those are the facts of my life!”  She and Phaedra will surely bond…FIX IT JESUS!

We get a brief catch up on each lady, Kandi is cleaning out her closet with fervor.  Many things must go to Goodwill because she has a baby bump and her 80’s clothes no longer fit.  During her doctor visit, we learn that she and Todd went through IVF and her bun in the oven is 12 weeks along.  We also learn that Todd did not have a relationship with his own daughter until she was older, must have been a real hood-rat, baby mama situation.  They are hoping for a boy, but may just have to settle for 10 fingers and toes…Dr. Jackie tells Kandi to cut back on her schedule and slow the hell down.  Well there goes the Kandi Koated Empire, down the drain!

Later, Kandi and Todd are cleaning out their garage, but Todd is storing a bunch of Apollo’s personal artifacts.  This segues into the fact that Kandi and Phaedra are not in a good place and Phaedra apparently never paid Todd for his work on a secondary fitness DVD.  When will these two learn to stop “helping” friends with work and expecting to be paid?  Have we learned nothing from “Tardy for the Party”?!?!?  Todd pushes Kandi to say something to Phaedra, but she is with child damnit, and refuses to be his goon.

Still later yet, Kandi prepares for Cynthia’s eyewear launch party drama brawl and struggles to find an outfit that will flatter her ever-changing figure.  The only thing that makes this scene worth mentioning is what Todd says, he scoffs at the dress sized “small” that Kandi has laid out for herself.  She claims that’s “all she has” and he says “babe you been to medium, stop playin’!”  Poor Kandi can’t even wear something and look cute.  She throws on a tent dress and looks like an insane housewife from one of the square states.

Porsha rolls up to Phaedra’s home in a Rolls Royce, hmm…Dish Nation must be paying her too much.  Phaedra says she and Porsha have “become bosom buddies, got milk?”  Ummm…I don’t even know what that means, but EWW!  Phaedra gives us an update, she is making her way through the craziness of life and if she can survive “garage mania”, she can survive anything.  We are treated to a revisit of one of my all-time favorite scenes in ATL history, when Apollo went nuts throwing around a bucket o’ hinges and revving a power drill at his soon to be estranged wife.  In Porsha’s world, she has a new 24 year old man who picked her up via Instagram, but she doesn’t know if she’s attracted to him with his clothes off, yet!  But enough about that, Porsha is ready to dish on Cynthia…

We see Peter barking at Cynthia while she is downing a glass of colossal wine and staring at her smartphone.  There is a video on Instagram of some chick whispering in Peter’s ear while he has his hand on her neck and then he runs his hand down her chestal region and there is clearly a boob graze.  FOUL ON THE PLAY!  “Papa Smurf is a little horny”, declares counselor Parks.

Peter is trying to minimize his behavior on the damning video, but Cynthia is dressed in black and ready to plan his Phuneral by Phaedra.  “It’s inappropriate and embarrassing!” she shrieks.  Cynthia has heard cheating rumors before and now she is a doubting Thomas.  See what I did there… with Peter’s last name being Thomas, and all…

Cynthia - Peter

Anyhoo, Papa Smurf has been spending a lot of time in Charlotte at Sports “I drained my wife’s bank account” Bar One, and Cynthia can’t keep tabs on him like she used to.  She is distraught about this video, more because of the gargantuan amount of shit she is going to catch from her cast mates.  However, the new sunglass mogul must soldier on… she has an eyewear launch party to plan, damnit!

But we digress… We get to meet Porsha’s new baby man, Duke, who has been sniffing around her wallet for about a month.  She paid for a hotel room near the city so they could meet there and relax, and so she doesn’t have to buy the Costco sized bottle of Oxy Clean to get the unsavory stains out of her own sheets.  Duke plays safety for the Buffalo Bills and he has the couth and sophistication of a kindergartener.  Porsha likes the fact that he’s so “into” her wallet and he appreciates her winning personality.  Sugar mama has the “cupcake” champagne and strawberries ready, but Duke has no idea he’s supposed to feed her the strawberries and he pops one in his mouth and he’s all like “wha?”  Porsha stops him and provides detailed instructions on how to pamper her.  Ugg…Porsha, he’s 24, the only thing he understands is “Netflix and chill”.  I think the final nail in his coffin here is when they trot off to the bedroom and he slings a Charlie Brown backpack over his shoulder.  Have we learned nothing from the Apollo Nida Backpack files?

Apollo backpack

Kenya is twirling down a shady road with passenger Cynthia so she can show off the ramshackle disaster foreclosure she bought in Buckhead, about 500 feet away from the stalled out Château by Shereé.  During the ride, Cynthia asks Kenya for her opinion on Peter Thomas video-gate, but Kenya smartly pleads the fifth.  She does offer to head out to Charlotte and beat his ass, however.  The two arrive at Château by Shereé and surmise that it is about finished, but not lived in.  After they pull up to Moore Manor, Cynthia is a bit taken aback at the structure before her lying in the ditch.  Kenya guarantees it will be fabulous when her renovations are done, but Cynthia is too preoccupied with the brown recluse spider trying to make a home in her weave.

The Cynthia Bailey train is on the move on the Underground Railroad and she meets with her sister Malorie for a quick counseling sesh.  Cynthia straight up asks Mal if she thinks Peter is cheating and, of course, Mal is going to bash the ever lovin’ blue shit right outta Papa Smurf.  Mal starts asking probing questions and she finds out that Cynthia is in love with Peter, but she is not attracted to Peter’s naked, disgusting, shriveled up body.  Ummm…DOUBLE EWW.  Cynthia doesn’t consider the damning video as a deal breaker and she wants to make her marriage work.  Mal holds Cynthia’s weave away from her face while she has a good cry.

Later, the ladies arrive at Cynthia’s eyewear launch shindig, but Cynthia is MIA.  She is applying Preparation H to her under eyes to reduce the puffiness from her Peter tears.  Everyone seems to be getting along well, at least they are being cordial.  Marlo “check my charges” Hampton shows up looking like she got into a fight with a roll of UL Certified electrical tape.  Kenya starts up about her house and she renames Château by Sheree as Château She Can’t Pay.

Peter shows up to the event and rolls off the elevator as if he’s Kanye…oh wait, he’s not that bad.  Kenya, the ever talented welcoming committee, launches into Papa Smurf right out of the tree and they have an argument.

Kenya-Peter Argue

Peter walks away pissed off and Kenya and Marlo run off to dish all the Papa Smurf dirt to the group.  Malorie sidles up and has apparently had a few too many glasses of the mystery punch and she tells the group that Cynthia is revolted by naked Smurf man.  While the ladies puke in their complimentary goody bags, Cynthia makes her grand entrance in a flowing white caftan, which she slings over her shoulder to flash her nether regions and reveal she is wearing a white bikini.  Feast your Cynthia Bailey eyewear on dat’ ASS!

She by Shereé arrives and some are excited to see her, some not so much.  Kenya can’t help herself and starts in on She by Cant’ Pay immediately.  She tells She by Shereé that the whole neighborhood has been complaining about her broke ass Château and the fact that it’s not finished.  She by Shereé stabs back at Kenya claiming she has a mold infested house and then we’re off… as if Kenya slashed her air mattress, She by Shereé goes into her howler monkey voice.

Sheree Argue

As the random drama over dilapidated McMansions intensifies, Kandi resorts to her trustiest coping skill and she makes a beeline for a passing by platter of chicken thumbs with dipping sauce.  It continues to get crazy between the two wildebeests and She by Shereé almost throws her drink at Kenya.  WHO GON’ CHECK ME BOO?!?!

Check Me Boo

Next week, Kim Fields enters the scene and Phaedra and Kandi finally face off.