Hey everyone, so sorry I am late this week… this damn, pesky, full-time job thingy is really getting in the way of my reality television habit. This part one reunion was like amuse-bouche of sorts – just a li’l nibble before the main course. It was a random, mixed-bag of tricks, so let’s approach this recap in the trusty, top-moments style:
- The Outfits and Looks Over the Years – Party City is the place to be and Porsha made a stop on her way to this reunion and purchased the best Disney villain props she could find. She displays her plastic crown with pride, but she left the scepter at checkout! The rest of the ladies are adorned in truly awful gowns, I mean really… this is some uggo shit from the 70% off rack at Marshall’s. It’s been 10 seasons ladies, get it together. And while we’re airing our grievances, do we really need to coat our clavicles with 50 shades of body glitter? We are also treated to a stirring retrospective over the years [thank you Bravo Intern for throwing this footage together] – Nene hits it on the head, Wigs-n-Cigs got her wigs from Party City. The early years of Wigs-n-Cigs are pretty pitiful, her wigs are made of plastic Barbie hair that melts on contact with a lukewarm hot roller. This all reminds me of one of my absolute favorite memories of RHATL – early reunion footage of Wigs-n-Cigs, discussing how a friend of her trainer’s first cousin, thrice-removed, knew a man who sat next to her grandfather’s brother-in-law during medical school, thought maybe…was about 90% sure that she had cancer. BUT THEN… as she waited her test results, that fateful phone call came as she pulled into a Chili’s parking lot… and she learned that she DID NOT have cancer! WOO HOO – AWESOME BLOSSOMS for EVERYONE!
- Kenya’s Cavalcade o’ Lies – Oh Kenya, you have been demoted on the reunion couch to last seat, hovering on the arm-rest at best. Kenya hints at pregnancy rumors, a baby is due “later this year” as if it’s a home improvement project she might get to in the fall. She backpedals a bit, doesn’t want to say much, but she and Question Marc are definitely expanding their family. Never mind that they don’t live in the same state, oh and she’s never met his parents, but alls good in da’ hood! OHAC asks how Question Marc feels about being on the show, considering he believes it’s a ghastly representation of African-American Women. Kenya states that Question Marc never said such things and this was stirred up by the bloggers, but OHAC pulls the ace out of his sleeve – “he told my colleagues that” – he hates the show. Never have I EVER seen Kenya just sit there with the stare of a murderous muppet! Caution – Awkward Silence Ahead!
Kenya also takes a moment to diss her alleged BFF, 51-Cynt by stating that she “can’t hold water” – translation she can’t keep fake news to herself. Caution – Article IX, Section 9(a) (iiv) is shouldering behind the couch. Even Nene backs up 51-Cynt on this one, noting that her former BFF can keep a secret when it matters.
- The Door is Klosed – Kandi still gets that wobble in her voice when discussing the Porsha rape-gate situation from season 9. The rumor could have killed her whole, wobbly, Kandi-Koated Brand. Porsha still doesn’t get it, she thinks she was just throwing out some innocent shade – like “your husband is short”, or “your dress is too tight and you look like overstuffed sausage casing”, she truly has no clue how much damage she caused. As we’ve always known with P-Willi, the wheel is a turnin’, but the HAM-ster is dead!
- Lifestyle Joggers – We finally address another elephant in the season regarding She-by-Shereé and her Wal-Mart, Garanimal sweats. SBS reveals that she was going for comfort this season – translation, my man is in Prison and I’ve completely given up on life. SBS claims that She-by-Shereé will be dropping some hot, new fashions… well it’s a “lifestyle brand” … “joggers”, “athletic lifestyle”. OHAC asks when the world will receive this scintillating new collection, to which SBS stammers… “late summer, fall, winter really, maybe 2040.” Put it this way, Baby Twirl – the human version, will drop before She-by-Shereé anything hits the scene. Somewhere in the green room the Bravo Intern is radioing headquarters – “yes, if you could prepare walkin’ papers for Ms. Whitfield, yeah… that would be grrrreeeeaaat!”
- Blackmailing Slut-Tards, Read for FILTH – Marlo trots out lookin’ like a Shetland Show Pony, and no sooner has she scooched in underneath SBS’ magenta skirt, and Kenya goes for the jugular – “you’ve got a code reader between your legs!” Apparently, that “John the Pizza Guy” who Nene dated back in 2011 or some shit… got caught in Marlo Hampton’s snare of slutfuckery. After Nene raided his pocketbook, Marlo went in for seconds. Annnnd we’re not talkin’ the good kind of leftover cold breakfast pizza, but the flavorless crust that everyone leaves on their plate. Marlo took photos of his phone, containing texts betwixt he and Nene. Marlo attempted to blackmail Pizza Guy with said texts, but all she could score is a payment of $20,000 on her Neiman Marcus bill, to which Nene responds, with a master-stroke of bitchery… “I’m surprised he had $20,000!”
I’ll leave it here with a top five, I am about as dizzy as OHAC looks. The rest is just arguing over loyalty, as if any of them know what that means, and everyone is gettin’ on my nerves, over-handling their weaves and clip-ins. Next week, Wigs-n-Cigs joins the stage and gets dragged.