This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over. Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs! And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint! Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!
Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking. Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence. Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit! Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!
Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine. Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project. He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC. Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore. Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.
When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup. Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend. The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it. The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue. I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon. I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.
Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama. Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown. There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting. Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.
Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital. Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father. Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix. Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg. Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon. They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!” The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion. Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before. Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.
Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class. The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe. After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence. SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people. During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.
When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will. She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!? Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT! Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up. How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?! DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into! Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye. Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off. She always looks totally amazing. Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out! Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.
It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen. Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds! The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers. It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton! She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”
Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”. They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing. Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams. This party theme has officially gone off the rails. Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.
It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip. Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya). Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs! Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!
Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive. PREACH! But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos. Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.
Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY! Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up. Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped. Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!” Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop. She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer. Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?” Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong! Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets. In case you missed it:
Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH! And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated. Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!