The End-Game Remains the Same

Welcome to another installment of glittered clavicles, where the acrylic nails are waving all up in our bidness!  Let’s get to the roundup – and no, I do not mean “The Roundup” of RHOD fame!  Focus people, minds out of the gutters!

  1. Prostitution Moratorium – Marlo “check my charges” Hampton is tired of being called a whore ladies and gents! If she is to be called a prostitute, she wants receipts damn it!  OHAC asks what her actual job is, it’s basically dating wealthy men who pay her bills and running an Etsy site where they sell SBS lifestyle joggers.  The IRS Standard Occupational Classification would be “service industry”.  The ladies finally agree to not call each other prostitutes unless they have hard-n-fast proof.  Pun intended!

prostitution whoah

  1. Rape-Gate No More – Porsha and Kandi have a moment where they agree that drug-n-rape-gate shall never darken their doorway again. Porsha tries round 8 of her apology and has finally refined her process.  Kandi agrees to let it go in the interest of not breathing any more life into it.  They agree to shake on it, 50-Cynt pushes for a “hug it out” moment, but let’s not get nuts!

 

  1. Hang on to your Wigs-n-Cigs – Wigs and her entourage of one (dejected former NFL bench-warmer Kroy) are in the building. He has even brought a full cooler of drinks, I love how he blends the football tail-gating tradition with his wifey’s half-ass career.  This fucken’ guy is incredible… Kroy of all trades – trusty assistant / chauffeur / stylist / bell-boy / bartender / baby-sitter / wig-master!  Showing where her loyalty lies, SBS slides behind the makeshift curtain to warn Wigs what she’s about to walk into.  This was SBS first tactical error this season, hitching her lifestyle wagon to this shit-show person.

Kroy servant

  1. Will-I-Am-An-Opportunist – Oh 50-Cynt, good thing you are strikingly gorgeous, otherwise I would throttle you in the neck with an open fist through my television. Eva joins the group and they re-hash Will-gate, but 50-Cynt still believes Will was single when they met.  Eva knows what she saw and was introduced to Will’s “girlfriend” about 24 hours before 50-Cynt’s Tinder date.  Eva has no time for this messiness, she’s about to go into labor.  Alert to 50-Cynt, your showmance is showing!  She is no longer seeing Will and a new dark chocolate selection in her candy dish.

 

  1. End-Game – Wigs waddles out with her red Solo cup, as Kroy gives her the push-off from back stage, he breaks the fourth wall – “she’s hot, right?” As if he’s trying to convince himself.  Yes Kroy – ya’ done good!  Ya’ strapped the ol’ broad into her spanx within an inch of her life, and stuffed her in that Forever 21 spandex dress as if she were stuffed sausage!  #LifeGoals!  There’s a lot of chatter back and forth, but I just want to hit on the highlights that made this last hour worth it – Wigs is called out talking crap about 50-Cynt and Nene, she denies it and then the Bravo Intern rolls the effing tape.  OHAC compares Wigs’ pivoting ways to Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Wigs has no clue who that is.

    OHAC asks Wigs “what’s the end game with the lips?”  To look like a baboon’s, swollen, irritated asshole – #LifeGoalsCrushed!

End-game

Photo Cred:  thegoodthebadandthefake – Thank you for THIS!

Next week is Only.  Part.  Three.  Of.  These.  Unstable.  Slut-Tards.  The women go hard at Wigs and she walks out.

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Just Gettin’ Warmed Up

Hey everyone, so sorry I am late this week… this damn, pesky, full-time job thingy is really getting in the way of my reality television habit.  This part one reunion was like amuse-bouche of sorts – just a li’l nibble before the main course.  It was a random, mixed-bag of tricks, so let’s approach this recap in the trusty, top-moments style:

  1. The Outfits and Looks Over the Years – Party City is the place to be and Porsha made a stop on her way to this reunion and purchased the best Disney villain props she could find. She displays her plastic crown with pride, but she left the scepter at checkout!  The rest of the ladies are adorned in truly awful gowns, I mean really… this is some uggo shit from the 70% off rack at Marshall’s.  It’s been 10 seasons ladies, get it together.  And while we’re airing our grievances, do we really need to coat our clavicles with 50 shades of body glitter?  We are also treated to a stirring retrospective over the years [thank you Bravo Intern for throwing this footage together] – Nene hits it on the head, Wigs-n-Cigs got her wigs from Party City.  The early years of Wigs-n-Cigs are pretty pitiful, her wigs are made of plastic Barbie hair that melts on contact with a lukewarm hot roller.  This all reminds me of one of my absolute favorite memories of RHATL – early reunion footage of Wigs-n-Cigs, discussing how a friend of her trainer’s first cousin, thrice-removed, knew a man who sat next to her grandfather’s brother-in-law during medical school, thought maybe…was about 90% sure that she had cancer.  BUT THEN… as she waited her test results, that fateful phone call came as she pulled into a Chili’s parking lot… and she learned that she DID NOT have cancer!  WOO HOO – AWESOME BLOSSOMS for EVERYONE!

Wigs cancer

  1. Kenya’s Cavalcade o’ Lies – Oh Kenya, you have been demoted on the reunion couch to last seat, hovering on the arm-rest at best. Kenya hints at pregnancy rumors, a baby is due “later this year” as if it’s a home improvement project she might get to in the fall.  She backpedals a bit, doesn’t want to say much, but she and Question Marc are definitely expanding their family.  Never mind that they don’t live in the same state, oh and she’s never met his parents, but alls good in da’ hood!  OHAC asks how Question Marc feels about being on the show, considering he believes it’s a ghastly representation of African-American Women.  Kenya states that Question Marc never said such things and this was stirred up by the bloggers, but OHAC pulls the ace out of his sleeve – “he told my colleagues that” – he hates the show.  Never have I EVER seen Kenya just sit there with the stare of a murderous muppet!  Caution – Awkward Silence Ahead!
    Awkward silence
    Kenya also takes a moment to diss her alleged BFF, 51-Cynt by stating that she “can’t hold water” – translation she can’t keep fake news to herself.  Caution – Article IX, Section 9(a) (iiv) is shouldering behind the couch.  Even Nene backs up 51-Cynt on this one, noting that her former BFF can keep a secret when it matters.

 

  1. The Door is Klosed – Kandi still gets that wobble in her voice when discussing the Porsha rape-gate situation from season 9. The rumor could have killed her whole, wobbly, Kandi-Koated Brand.  Porsha still doesn’t get it, she thinks she was just throwing out some innocent shade – like “your husband is short”, or “your dress is too tight and you look like overstuffed sausage casing”, she truly has no clue how much damage she caused.  As we’ve always known with P-Willi, the wheel is a turnin’, but the HAM-ster is dead!

Ham-ster

  1. Lifestyle Joggers – We finally address another elephant in the season regarding She-by-Shereé and her Wal-Mart, Garanimal sweats. SBS reveals that she was going for comfort this season – translation, my man is in Prison and I’ve completely given up on life.  SBS claims that She-by-Shereé will be dropping some hot, new fashions… well it’s a “lifestyle brand” … “joggers”, “athletic lifestyle”.  OHAC asks when the world will receive this scintillating new collection, to which SBS stammers… “late summer, fall, winter really, maybe 2040.”  Put it this way, Baby Twirl – the human version, will drop before She-by-Shereé anything hits the scene.  Somewhere in the green room the Bravo Intern is radioing headquarters – “yes, if you could prepare walkin’ papers for Ms. Whitfield, yeah… that would be grrrreeeeaaat!”

Paperwork

  1. Blackmailing Slut-Tards, Read for FILTH – Marlo trots out lookin’ like a Shetland Show Pony, and no sooner has she scooched in underneath SBS’ magenta skirt, and Kenya goes for the jugular – “you’ve got a code reader between your legs!” Apparently, that “John the Pizza Guy” who Nene dated back in 2011 or some shit… got caught in Marlo Hampton’s snare of slutfuckery.  After Nene raided his pocketbook, Marlo went in for seconds.  Annnnd we’re not talkin’ the good kind of leftover cold breakfast pizza, but the flavorless crust that everyone leaves on their plate.  Marlo took photos of his phone, containing texts betwixt he and Nene.  Marlo attempted to blackmail Pizza Guy with said texts, but all she could score is a payment of $20,000 on her Neiman Marcus bill, to which Nene responds, with a master-stroke of bitchery… “I’m surprised he had $20,000!”

I’ll leave it here with a top five, I am about as dizzy as OHAC looks.  The rest is just arguing over loyalty, as if any of them know what that means, and everyone is gettin’ on my nerves, over-handling their weaves and clip-ins.  Next week, Wigs-n-Cigs joins the stage and gets dragged.

Missing the Marc

Welcome to the penultimate episode of RHOA, where the ladies wind down and pretend to be doing important things with their lives.  Let’s start with Porsha, who is on some sort of pseudo-roller skating date with her boss, Rickey Smiley.  There is definitely some chemistry here, Rickey seems to have all the feels for her juicy-booty, but Porsha is way too busy brushing her wigs on the nightly – no room for a relationship, baby, or a sexual harassment suit.  Rickey is rather adept on his skates, while Porsha… well she looks like a savage cat on a waffle iron.  She takes a spill and Rickey is concerned about her booty and pretends to perform some sort of new-fangled ass CPR.  To hell with their employer’s fraternization polices, these two should get together.

Meanwhile, across town at the Bailey Agency Skewl for Wayward Models, 50-Cynt stands over her assistant trying to look like she’s doing actual work – saying worky-type things like “let’s workshop that idea”, “I’ll touch base”, “it’s a win-win”, “let’s take this off-line”… Kenya waltzes in lookin’ hella ratchet, she’s channeling “naughty skewl girl hooker” in her bad outfit choice.  Apparently, Kenya has so much wonderful footage from her domestic violence PSA that she has created an entire 30-minute special and she will hold the premiere party at 50-Cynt’s vacant space.  She will be hosting ten domestic violence survivors for a full makeover and red-carpet experience.  The only interesting thing of note in this scene, is that 50-Cynt’s “Director” of the Agency is also sporting a skirt!

Over in da’ hood – Kandi sits upon her throne at the Kandi Factory and announces to Todd and Don Juan that she has put an offer on the property across the street.  Google may be building a headquarters down the street and she wants in on this shit.  I can see it now, the Kandi Kafe, Koffee by Kandi, Kale Kookies by Kandi … the possibilities are endless, let’s workshop this idea!  Let’s face it, she’s the only real hustler here.  The woman has so many revenue streams, her children will never have to work or obtain a personality.  Now, to get down to the most important bidness of the day – Kandi is concerned about Nene’s Insta-Meltdown and she feels bad about kicking her off the tour.  Todd is oddly team-Nene and his first line of defense is to refer to the fact that our Evil Cheeto in Chief says horrid shit all the time and it’s okay… so why can’t Nene make a rape joke?  IT’S COMEDY!  Oh Todd – JUST NO.  It’s not okay… it never will be okay… #DON’TGETMESTARTED!  Don Juan is the unlikely voice of reason here and reminds Kandi that bidness decisions are like, hard and stuff.  Oh Kandi, have we taught you NOTHING?  How quickly you forget the “Tardy For the Party” fiasco, or the “Phaedra Sparks Workout Video” debacle – you do not mix bidness with contractually obligated pretend friendships!

girl-bye-aint-nobody-got-time-fo-dat-meme

We catch up with Nene in her game room, and I need to point out here that she has bar stools with black toilet seats as the actual seats.  This is an odd choice considering she demands luxury goods and undeserving handicapped parking privileges.  She has a chat with her son Brentt, who announces… AHEM… that he’s ready to get into the entertainment/comedy industry.  Okay – two things… 1)  I believe a chief requirement would be a personality, and 2)  Nene better get on the Googler and find him a diction coach.  The kid talks like he’s got marbles in his mouth!  Nene warns him that comedy is a fickle, crafty, minx that will kick his ass into next week and he won’t be able to… AWW HELL… who are we kidding.  This is never happening unless Brentt has some secret personality that only comes out at night, when no one is around except the water-bugs.

Over at Chateau Shereé, SBS is ordering contractors around and looking like a stunned mouse in a Dixie cup as her interior designer tells her he needs more time.  More time on the bathroom, the spa area, the sauna, the bar, the tanning-trough, the movie theater, the gym, the waxing station, the carbonated drink mixing area, the staging area, the heli-pad… oh yes dear readers, SBS is finally finishing her 5,000 square foot basement and plans to hole up with Prison BAE 4-EVA!  SBS scurries outside to take her daily 15-minute call from Prison BAE, they talk about their future, “making it official”, “destination wedding”, “blending the families”, “making room at the dinner table for one more” (his Parole Officer).  Prison BAE is making statements about taking care of everything, taking a trip to Bali, paying for an $8,000 stair climbing machine out of his commissary account.  What’s the deal Prison BAE, you runnin’ some underground sweat-shop selling soiled prison-mate boxers?  Like he’s all high-rollin’ and shit?  You got some skrilla tucked in your air mattress?  WHAT?

What

Just as these two are romanticizing about their amazing, imaginary future, the robo-prison call voice chimes in – “this is a call from Federal PRISON”.  #HOPESANDDREAMSDASHED!  Sorry Prison BAE, your reality check has bounced and you are wanted in seven states.

Dreams Crushed

Later, SBS is lookin’ a little rough, her makeup is the opposite of on-point and her hair looks like a wild hamster nest.  Maybe a wild night in the conjugal visit trailer?  Her daughter, Kaleigh, is home from school visiting and wakes up at 2 p.m. for breakfast?  Anyhoo – they discuss Prison BAE and Kaleigh has some sage advice for mom – “there’s a lot of fish in the sea, and you go for jail bait.”  SBS thinks her children will come around when they meet Prison BAE in the flesh and see what an amazing con-man he is.

SBS looking rough

In other “parenting done right” news, we learn that Miss Noelle has a passion for dentistry and she’s obtained an internship with a prosti-dontist, which I think means prosthetic dentistry.  50-Cynt drops by with lunch, complete with ill-timed sugary drinks.  Noelle wants to find a career that helps her make a difference in people’s lives.  At least 50-Cynt has parented well, this girl is a good li’l egg that understands hawking her mom’s “flash in the pan” cargo bags won’t pay da’ rent!  The most interesting factoid we learn here is that 50-Cynt had her first job at Taco Bell, which just made my entire week worth living.  AHHH-MAZING!

taco bell shells

Kenya preps her domestic violence survivor guests with a salon experience, complete with a shameless plug for Kenya Moore hair care products.  Hopefully it’s actual product and not just water in the bottles this time!  Later, Kenya makes her grand entrance at the event.  Everyone is looking great – three snaps in a Z formation!

three snaps z formation

Annnnd then there’s Maude Nene, sporting one of her Mumu’s from the Mrs. Roper collection.  Nene is just phoning it in at this point.  The ladies ask if Question Marc will be attending, but Kenya gives the “nah… he can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone book a plane ticket on Expedia” speech.  Did you marry a toddler?  The ladies don’t get this either, then just as Kenya is delivering her introductory, welcome to my event, sorry my boobs look like two half-dead possums taped to my chest, speech… in walks Question Marc!  Everyone is a bit stunned, including him.  Seriously – what’s with this dude?  I think the cardboard cut-out had more personality than him and Brentt Leakes combined!  Kenya introduces Marc to the ladies, 50-Cynt seems to have a rather unhealthy obsession with him – she hugs him about five times.  Then, leave it to SBS to deliver a wispy, brush-stroke of shady bitchery – “where did you get that strategically placed speck of body-glitter on the side of your nose your nose ring… because I want to get one!”  HA!

Question Marc

On the other side of the room, Porsha is giving Nene some high-top cocktail table wisdom, which is hilarious because she’s essentially repeating back the advice Nene gave her!  Seriously though Nene, you’re kind of an asshole.  Take your own advice, get out of your own way, and for the sake of all that is good and decent… call an exterminator and hire a stylist.

Next week, the Halloween party finale showdown of destruction!  Porsha takes the stage in her play, and SBS basement is finished!  Eva hosts a Halloween party, SBS and Porsha exchange unsavory words, and Nene shows up dressed as an exterminator and poor ol’ crusty Gregg is stuffed into a cock roach costume!  Can’t wait!

Defensive Driving

Hey y’all – this week RHATL is one of those episodes that I kinda despise.  Choppy scene editing, smoothie drankin’ and snackin’, some most heinous wardrobe malfunctions, and more she said/she said bullshit.  Let’s get into it, shall we?

Mama Joyce visits with Kandi and gets the latest rundown – the roach motel video, Porsha leaving Barcelona over the door mat… all the while Baby Ace is giving Mama Joyce some serious side-eye!  I’m tryna learn my farm animals here… GRANDMAW!  Mama finally admits to Kandi that she had a sit-down with Porsha, Kandi is a bit perturbed.  All Kandi wants is for Porsha to admit she pulled these random lies out of her chunky booty in the sole interest of going after her.

Meanwhile, across town, Porsha and Lauren sit down for a smoothie and some chicken nuggets.  Porsha believes her “heart to heart” with Nene was effective and the hatchet has been buried in Barcelona.  Sure it has, until Nene comes at you with both barrels at the reunion.

In other sit-down news, SBS holds a gossip sesh with Wigs-n-Cigs.  Wigs actually drove herself in her rent-a-royce.  Sidebar:  SBS is wearing some very ill-fitting jeans.  Is this camel toe-nail?

Camel Toe Nail

Anyhoo – welcome to yet another installment of Wigs’ bullshit.  SBS has Wigs’ red solo cup chillin’, not to be outdone – SBS pours herself a black solo cup.  Wigs revisits roach-gate, claims that Nene’s son Brentt was the one who invited Brielle to come over.  Nene is pulling the race card and Wigs spent $20K to send her a “sis and deceased” or a “cyst and diseased” letter.  We flash back on this history of the Wigs/Nene race war, SBS is riding hard for Wigs and agrees that Nene has crossed the line.  Good Lord, I can hardly concentrate, Wigs implants look like they are about to bust open and splatter gelatinous saline all over SBS Wal-Mart sweatshirt.  I swear, these things are held together with band-aids and marshmallows!  Deep thoughts with Wigs-n-Boobs:

Wigs Boobs Bustin

Nene and Gregg are all matchy matchy in blue chiffon and sit down to discuss Nene’s latest social media embroilment with Brielle on Twatter.  Brielle blasted Ms. Leakes, and let’s just talk about Nene’s response for a minute, shall we?  “We don’t have roaches!  If you found 1, u brought it with u or it fell outta yo funky pussy! … #racisttrah” – and I’m paraphrasing!  [Insert sound of needle being scratched off of record here].  EGADS, NENE!  Show some fuckin’ restraint!  I’m not sure that insult about Brielle’s lady parts is commensurate with the roach motel video.

Egads

50-Cynt and her Urkel glasses are serving as Will’s personal Uber and she’s driving him to the airport.  She talks to Marlo while driving and they discuss the fact that Nene crashed and burned for a bad joke she told during her standup routine.  The Xscape tour has officially given Nene the hook, exit stage left please!  Arriving at her destination, she actually gets out of the car to help Will with his luggage… say wha’??  She greets him with an awkward kiss to the cheek.  Will, for the sake of my sanity, you have officially been “friend zoned”.  The Bravo intern will conduct your exit interview next week.

SBS and Kandi meet for a smoothie, Kandi fills her in on the tour drama.  Apparently – Nene had a heckler who said “go kill yourself”.  Naturally, Nene’s response was “I hope you get raped by an Uber driver.”

wha-wha-wha

There was so much heat on social media, Kandi had to drop Nene from the tour, but only due to pressure from the producers, Kandi didn’t think it was a big deal.  SBS’ weave is spinning, she can’t believe Kandi is taking this so lightly when she is STILL mad at Porsha for saying Kandi tried to rape her.  This one is going in SBS’ sack o’ bones for the reunion.

Nene puts out some chips, salsa, and cupcakes for 50-Cynt and Marlo.  We see Gregg stick his finger in the frosting, which is kinda gross.  We don’t know where that finger has been.  50-Cynt starts out the pep-talk, apparently Nene had an Instagram meltdown and apologized for the bad joke.  They also discuss the “sis and deceased” or “cyst and diseased” letter from Wigs, Marlo says they should go to Judge Judy, don’t even take it to “real court”.  Now I take umbrage with that – Judge Judy is as real as they come and she would shut down Wigs and Nene like an illegal daycare center!

you-are-stupid-trash-case-dismissed

Nene explains the issue with the Uber joke, which originated with 50-Cynt.  Okay, this was your first red flag that this was fraught with peril.  50-Cynt is a beauty, but her sense of humor is cornier than Gregg’s feet.  I’m not sure how this joke was supposed to be funny, but Nene wasn’t aware that the audience at the show was chock full o’ Uber employees.  50-Cynt and Marlo advise her to be more careful about what she says, they offer their support, and promise Nene that this will blow over in a week.  Which is true, because it’s really only a matter of about three days before one of these other dreadful bitches does something offensive.

Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, Kandi and Wigs meet for fish tacos.  Kandi is at the restaurant at 12:57 p.m. and Kroy drops off Wigs at 2:28 p.m.  KROY – YOU HAD ONE JOB, DRIVE YOUR INFLATED WIFE AROUND.  JEZZUZ!  Knowing how hangry Kandi can get, I’m shocked she wasn’t elbow deep in an appetizer.  Wigs claims there was a huge car wreck, but she had her wine in the car, and she’s ready to rumble… already on 10!

Wigs heard from SBS that Kandi had an issue with Kroy driving her everywhere.  Kandi explains it’s not about Kroy being her Uber driver, but it’s about “being present” instead of always having a quick out of every Bravo mandated social situation.  Wigs is being her usual skid mark on the underpants of society and she plays the “jealousy” card, which is comical.  Wigs – get ahold of yourself, no one is jealous of your 12 kids and botched face.  Wigs demands an example, Kandi refers back to the Elephant Room when Wigs was on the phone calling Kroy for a pizza delivery.  Wigs says “when the fuck did I call my husband during the Elephant Room?”  Kandi fires back, “Bitch who the fuck you cussin’ at?  If you gettin’ irritated, do what the fuck you normally do and take yo’ ass on and get in that car.”  Kandi’s voice is rattling, which means she’s about to go full-blown HAM on Wigs’ silicone ass.  Where is the Bravo intern?  Hold her earrings, she’s goin’ in!  Wigs is actually taken aback and she changes the subject to Baby Ace, which makes Kandi smile and they agree to have a civilized convo.  Kim smiles and her upper lip is so puffed up from injections that it flips up and creases, it looks like she’s sticking her tongue out.  Wigs is sooo busy these days, claims Kroy is doing NFL stuff… “broadcasting” – umm, hunni… manning the security cameras in your home isn’t broadcasting.

Wigs lips

Wigs asks Kandi about Nene’s comment and takes the opportunity to say for the 118th time that she thinks Nene is on drugs.  Kandi explains how the roach comments were really hurtful to Nene, but Wigs is the only all-white, never forget, bat-shit crazy, card-carrying, member of this group.  So, she needs to mind her motherf*ckin’ P’s & Q’s red Solo cups!

Next week, Porsha wipes out on roller skates, Prison BAE talks marriage, and Question Marc makes a personal appearance.

Bein’ Hood in Barcelona

It’s day two at 8 a.m. at the quaint Villa for wayward housewives, Eva surveys the women for coffee, but even the Wigs-n-Cigs wig is tore up from the floor up.  They all look like they just rolled off of Willie Nelson’s tour bus.  SBS is aching from sleeping on a cot next to a barred window.  She is envious of Prison BAE, for he sleeps on a pillowy bed of ramen noodles.

Kandi and 50-Cynt seem to be the only survivors from the night before, they are all fluffed, freshened, magnetic lashes in place, wig glue secure, and ready to start the day.  50-Cynt admits that the Villa leaves a lot to be desired, it’s a bit like online dating, everything looks better in photos and may or may not have a clandestine girlfriend behind the secret door masquerading as a book shelf in the library.  Porsha arrives at the table, ready to re-hash the 3 a.m. feeble attempts to fulfill items on the bucket list.  We are treated to iPhone footage of the women twerkin’ at 3 a.m. – Bravo intern, take note… this is the kind of footage I can get behind.  As the ladies arrive at the table hangry, several li’l mini-eruptions are flaring like a river of hot, ferocious, magma!  Notably, Eva who is not too keen on Shamea asking her about her sexuality, especially when she’s involved with a Mayor to be.  Marlo lectures that the truth shall set everyone free, unless you’re backpedalin’ Porsha.

Nene saunters in and announces that everyone will be moving to a hotel, but first they will tool around Barcelona in mini-cars as 50-Cynt has planned.  They board the Mercedes-Benz party-bus to netherland and 50-Cynt requests an update on the bucket list challenge.  Nene claims she ate a salty ball with hair on it, again — where is this footage, Bravo intern?

Schweddy ball

Marlo did a slut dance with her ass out as seen in the 3 a.m. footage (in other words, a typical Tuesday night).  Marlo challenges 50-Cynt to kiss Kandi with tongue, but Kandi is minding her manners after drug-drag-rape-gate last season.  SBS is fully committed to love before, during, and after lockup and will not tongue anyone other than Prison BAE through the plexiglass, let alone be sloppy seconds!  However, in desperate attempt to win favor among these unstable skanks, Porsha is on board with being dirty thirds.  50-Cynt proceeds to rinse out her mouth and then sticks the tip of her tongue in Porsha’s mouth, and ends up licking Porsha’s teeth.  Porsha is freaked, good thing she flossed.  Ummm… eww.  I don’t know why this marks some sort of astounding accomplishment in life, but the girls have gone wild.  The indoor irrational skank voice modulation issues are at an all-time high.  As a sidebar here, 50-Cynt is wearing a tee-shirt that has names of supermodels, “Cindy, Naomi, Linda…” and she has written in her own name with fabric paint she found for $1.00 at Hobby Lobby.

Cynthia tongue

They arrive at the go-car rental place and no sooner than 30 seconds out of the chute, Porsha crashes into the back end of another go-car.  And I don’t mean fender bender, I mean full on crash, her front end is wedged under the back end of the other go-car.

Porsha crash

She cries faulty brakes and they let her get into another go-car with her 10” stilettos.  Seriously ladies, would it kill you to put appropriate footwear on yo’ dayum feet for these activities?!?!  Can we get some Crocs… STAT!

Crocs

As they tear up the town it starts raining and it’s a housewife freak-out of epic proportion.  They make a pit-stop at a huge market that carries every food imaginable and alcohol as far as their American eyes can see.  Porsha tries to order Hennessy and Coke in Spanish, Nene thinks “to hell wit’ it” and orders an entire bottle of Absolut.  Porsha tries some octopus and deems herself Baby Vegan on the Backslide – yes backsliding right into the tentacles of the drama.  Nene wants to discuss the whole Wigs-n-Cigs situation and she tells us for the 189th time that those were water bugs.  Nene is also upset that Porsha and SBS didn’t stand up for her.  SBS agrees to be the one who gon’ check Wigs and her red Solo cup, Boo… and she will tell Wigs her behavior is not cool.  Eva looks generally, low-key annoyed at all of this.

Nene makes light of the cock roach accusation and states she did have three roaches and she named them, Wigs, Brielle, and Kroy.  Aww Nene, two wrong tweets don’t make a right – keep it classy, bitch!  Marlo starts riding Porsha about confronting Wigs, but Porsha isn’t playin’ monkey in the middle.  Nene and Wigs will “cut each other down to the white meat and then two minutes later be BFF.”  That’s probably the smartest thing Porsha has ever decided in her adult life, other than walking out on that blind date.

Marlo must have had too many self-serve Absolut shots because she is way off the rails and yelling in Porsha’s face.  Nene actually comes to Porsha’s defense and tells Marlo to take it down a level or ten, but Marlo will not let the door mat that was too small, slide by without a proper match.  Porsha becomes emotional because the door mat was a gift from her mom and it has sentimental value.  Can I say this is the dumbest argument in the explored universe?

Turns out the petty door mat argument is just an appetizer before the main course, Marlo decides it’s her duty to insert herself into the stale situation between Porsha and Kandi.  Uggg… Marlo, you’ve been picking up your gossip at the outlet mall because honey, this is sooooo last season!  Marlo tries to drag Kandi into it, but Kandi wants no part of this mother*ckin’ shakedown.  Porsha starts to lose it and she’s waving her collapsible fan in Marlo’s face.  Marlo tries to rip it out of her hand like a swift, effective, killing machine.  She scares everyone to their utter core, they all jump up, and Kandi reminds everyone that they do not want to be arrested in Spain.  They high-tail it out of the market as security surrounds them, but Nene is sure to grab her bottle of Absolut!  We all have flashbacks to that reunion where Porsha snatched the scepter out of Kenya’s hand, but let’s hope Porsha can channel her three anger management lessons so it doesn’t end the same way.

The group separates into two factions, Marlo keeps going on and on, everyone wants her to shut the f*ck up as the police are now trailing them.  Porsha says “she puts the “low” in Marlo” and claims she has some dirt about Marlo, which Nene told her in confidence.  So… She will cryptically dangle that li’l carrot out there and keep it to herself, until she doesn’t.

The best part of the episode is when the ladies arrive back at the ramshackle Villa and 50-Cynt gets her wig caught in the door knocker and almost loses her wig.  As the ladies retreat to their respective cells to gather their commissary items, Porsha wanders down to Nene’s cell block.  She announces she’s feeling too beat-down and will be exiting Barcelona, stage left.  Nene gives her best try at a pep-talk, but fails.  Porsha would rather spend time with her family instead of trying to win-over this parade of unstable slut-tards.  Porsha whips out her iPhone and asks Siri to draft a resignation letter to Andy Cohen.  Nene accepts her decision and feels a bit pumped-up to step into the “big sister” role.  Who woulda thunk there are two sensitive, caring people under all that wig glue and contouring?  The more you know, the less you ho!

More you know

Next time – Marlo puts duct tape on SBS boobs for some godforsaken reason, 50-Cynt takes a ho-bath and calls it being baptized, Nene sticks her foot in her mouth regarding Prison BAE, and riots in Barcelona scare the wigs off the ladies.

Seeing White

This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.  Yes, the big moment has arrived – the return of Kim Zolciak, a.k.a. Wigs-n-Cigs!  And let me say, dear readers, she does not disappoint!  Let’s get into it, so we can get straight to the stuff that dreams are made of!

Jack Daniels is making a Chateau house call, he and SBS sit down for a quick sesh, SBS still hasn’t had her discussion with her children and the Coalition for Domestic Violence has asked her to do some public speaking.  Jack Daniels warns she is putting the cart before the horse – speak to your children first before you go public as the face for domestic violence.  Jack seems to give her a pass on the past-due assignment and gives her an easy assignment for spring break, he senses that SBS needs some “me time”, damnit!  Go to a hotel, sip some Jack Daniels, and order up some fried chicken and mac-n-cheeze!

Kandi is making her exit from the drama this week and she heads out to NYC to shoot a cover for Essence Magazine.  Don Juan shows up to assist Kandi with packing since Carmon is no longer running point on this project.  He’s completely befuddled as he stares into her empty Hello Kitty suitcase, oh and by the way… they have no hotel reserved in NYC.  Kandi suggests they check out Trump Towner since nobody is staying there anymore.  Yea Kandi, only you and the Russian Mafia.

When Kandi arrives at Essence, we get to see her without makeup.  Let’s just say high def TV is not her friend.  The village people get her fixed right up and she kills it.  The editor drops in on the shoot and informs Kandi this will be the “confidence” issue.  I am “confident” that Kandi will be exiting this show soon.  I think the debacle of last season has taken its toll.

Kandi Essence

Lauren finally returns to Porsha Palace, but since Jack Daniels isn’t available, they settle for their cousin Tiffany to mediate their latest sister drama.  Porsha smooths is over and they chalk it up to single mother stress, until the next meltdown.  There is no Jack Daniels life coaching going on here, Porsha Palace Enterprises relies solely on Hennessey to do the heavy lifting.  Later, the two get down to bidness and contemplate which wig styles will pay for their children’s college educations.

Nene and Gregg are shuffling around their McMansion after his return home from the hospital.  Gregg has no blockage, just a pesky, irregular heartbeat he inherited from his father.  Nene is actually seen here without makeup, lookin’ like an average person you see fondling produce down at the Publix.  Gregg jokes that maybe his health issues are due to Nene wearing him out, yea that’s just the tip of this iceberg.  Rather than tend to Gregg’s health, Nene decides to sit down with some friends, Mynique and Brandon – not to be confused with Kenya’s gay accessory Brandon.  They are helping Nene plan an oddly specific themed party, “All White Never Forget Girls and Gays Event, HUNNI!”  The longer the name of the party theme, the bigger the cluster f*ck of epic proportion.  Brandon isn’t entirely down with the “never forget” theme, but it’s the perfect segue to discuss slow, dingy Porsha who can’t remember she has been to Nene’s house before.  Porsha isn’t on the guest list, but rather the Nene DGAF list.

Kenya and SBS meet up for a spin class.  The most valuable thing we learn here, dear reader, is not that they have cleared up their messiness, but that SBS wears a size 10 shoe.  After the workout, the sit down for a smoothie and Kenya asks SBS to assist her with a PSA for domestic violence.  SBS will check her schedule and list of conflicts of interest and have her people get back to Kenya’s people.  During the sitting, SBS receives a text from Nene inviting her to the “All White Never Forget” theme party.

When Cynthia isn’t tied up at the Bailey Skewl for Wayward Models, she is busy with her new flame, Will.  She meets him for some mid-day ice cream where they have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.  What in the love of all that is good and decent?!?!?  Someone get these two to 31 Flavors… STAT!  Will informs Cynthia that his Google alerts on himself are blowing up.  How on earth did he end up mentioned in all of these trashy blogs?!?!  DERP FACE… I dunno, you showed your dumb ass on a Bravo Real Housewives show, what did you expect Will I Am, Regretting What I’ve Gotten Myself Into!  Cynthia gives him the “duck and cover” crash course of being in the d-list public eye.  Important to note here – Cynthia also has minimal makeup on and she is the only one on this cast who can pull it off.  She always looks totally amazing.  Will doesn’t seem too disturbed that he is about to board the Real Housewives roller coaster descent into the deepest level of hell and he’s ready to visit Lake Bailey inside and out!  Cynthia promises he can come over for dinner, sometime… soon.

Cynthia - Will

It’s the day of Nene’s party with the ever-lengthening theme, “Girls and Gays Never Forget All White Party Seafood Soirée” rolls up on the banner at the bottom of the screen.  Oh Bravo intern, how you mess with our minds!  The shirtless men from Shamea’s bridal shower are filing in and a very special guest arrives in her bath robe and slippers.  It’s none other than Marlo “check my charges” Hampton!  She and Nene ran into each other a few weeks ago and argued in a parking lot for 30-minutes over a handicapped parking spot, but hey girrrl, hey, they worked it out and Nene invited her to the “All white, how could you forget, this event is going to be a tumbledown shit show, shucked seafood soirée!”

Meanwhile, across town, SBS drops by to pick up Wigs-n-Cigs and prep for the “All white, how could you forget, trot out your favorite gay friend as if he/she were an out-dated hair scrunchi, and c’mon down to the parade of unstable slut-tards event!”.  They fill their Solo Cups full o’ boxed wine and get down to the de-briefing.  Nene doesn’t know Wigs is coming, but SBS is bringing Wigs as her gay party guest, since Wigs plays for both teams.  This party theme has officially gone off the rails.  Wigs warns SBS that Nene may slam the door in their faces because Wigs busted Nene out parking her Bentley in a handicapped spot at TJ Maxx.

It is here in this scene, SBS is laying foundation for the Bravo mandated cast trip from the depths of hellfire, with her newfound freedom she thinks the girls should take a trip.  Wigs is totally down, but wants to know more about the “dumb beyotch” she met at Chateau Shereé (this means you, Kenya).  Wigs heard she married a man-fan and she’s tryna start a family with 46 year-old eggs!  Wigs-n-Cigs has her fightin’ spanx on tonight!

Cynthia and Derek J. arrive at the party, grab some chicken wings, and sit down for some real talk – Derek J. isn’t a fan of Nene’s party theme, he finds it a bit offensive.  PREACH!  But nevertheless, he will participate, because umm… chicken drummies and mini-tacos.  Marlo walks over and thank goodness for thick, meaty thighs because her dress was slit so high, you could almost see her hoo-ha.

Nene spots Wigs across the pool and Kenya is already calling for SECURITY!  Nene invites the girls to navigate the turf in their 6” stilettos and hobble inside to cool off and simultaneously heat things up.  Wigs calls Nene out for parking in the handicapped space and Nene claims she was with her imaginary friend who happens to be handicapped.  Marlo asks Kenya when she will meet the new husband and Wigs decides to poke the bear “it ain’t gonna f*ckin’ happen bitch, because he don’t exist!”  Wigs keeps muttering “it ain’t gonna happen, he doesn’t f*ckin’ exist” under her breath, on a loop.  She is out for blood and Kenya can’t hold back any longer.  Kenya takes a jab about Wigs having a “hard on” for her, “didn’t they cut that thing off during your reassignment surgery?”  Annnnd…. it’s on like Ping Pong!  Kenya plays her Ace and slams Wigs for pimping out her daughter for John Legend tickets.  In case you missed it:

Kim twitter

Both ladies jump to their heels – LETMETELLYOUSOMETHINGBITCH!  And if you aren’t chortling your head off right now, you must be heavily sedated.  Both ladies need to be restrained, and then we are met with the dreaded phrase that sends me into a deep chasm of despair… “to be continued”!

Kim fight

Chateau She Di’int!

Well folks, it’s finally the finale and the unveiling of the semi-finished Chateau Shereé…let’s get to the good stuff, tout de suite!  SBS has all hands on-deck, her party planning team is working overtime and they have the handsome pay stubs to prove it.  Unlike Johnnie, who is still pursuing his wage lawsuit against Kandi Koated Entertainment, but more on that later…

The housewarming party is five years in the making and if that wasn’t bad enough, SBS decides the party needs to have a masquerade theme.  SBS will be masquerading as someone who has money to actually pay for all of this.  Things are clicking along, until SBS finds out that the incorrect appliances were delivered so she will not have a refrigerator or stove present for the party.  That’s what happens when you purchased refurbished floor models, sometimes things get mixed up!  She has a li’l “who gon’ check me boo” moment, but her construction manager fires up the hot plate and fills the Styrofoam coolers with dry ice, you got this guuurrrrl!

who-gon-check-me-boo

Meanwhile, across town, Kandi takes Riley to her favorite hibachi restaurant, but they are missing out on the best part because they are sitting at one of those sad li’l tables on the side, rather than at an actual hibachi grill.  There will be no onion volcano for you li’l girl, this is a serious dinner, whereby you will pretend to try and form a relationship with your estranged, ne’er-do-well father.  Right on cue, Block walks in and sits down to receive his heaping helping of awkward.  Riley lets him listen to her recorded song and he has a sneaking suspicion that it’s written about him.  Man, say what you will about Block, but dayum he one sharp marble!  OY!

Sharp as marble

He asks Kandi to leave the table and she agrees it’s a good idea to give them some alone, bonding time.  Riley looks like she’d rather be contracting e-coli at Chipotle than conversating with this knob, or conversating with anyone for that matter!  Kandi returns after two minutes and Block announces that he feels Riley has been brainwashed.  This sets off a kerfuffle between Kandi and Block, but Riley points out that he is the adult so he is brainwashed if he thinks he resembled anything of a father.  Sensing that he is fighting a losing battle and that he looks particularly reprehensible on camera, he asks to wipe the slate clean and move forward.

In other reprehensible acts, Counselor Parks takes a second meeting with Johnnie and the employment attorney regarding his alleged lawsuit against Kandi.  Although the firm declines to represent him with regard to the OLG restaurant idea, they are salivating at the opportunity to represent him in the wage claim.  The angle will be violation of federal law regarding minimum wage, to which Counselor Parks offers up her “basic calculation” indicating that Johnnie was paid via loose change from Kandi’s pleather couch cushions, whilst working tirelessly to find feather dancers for Kandi’s “Coming to America” themed wedding.

Meanwhile, Kandi is laying out her Kandi Koated bondage themed outfit for the SBS masquerade housewarming when she receives a call from Don Juan.  He gives her the news about Johnnie’s complaint being filed, but Kandi has no fear.  She will dip in to her Tyler Perry, mogul-status, frivolous lawsuit fund and lawyer up.  Kandi knows Phaedra is behind this and she plans to confront her at the housewarming party.

As Phaedra oils up and slides into her Spanx, her date for the party shows up and is none other than Dwight, he is pinched, cinched, and ready to party.  He graciously lies to her by saying she looks fabulous in her dress, which is pinching her back fat within an inch of its life.

Porsha has some nominal screen time this week, which is a nice reprieve from her goofy-ass shenanigans.  She and Lauren visit their father’s grave, whereby Porsha has an epiphany, she is glad that low-rent Todd didn’t go for the baby-nup.  She needs somebody more kick-ass, like her father, who knew how to stand up and be a man!  However, low-rent Todd and his chunky Ralph Lauren sweater will suffice for now as her date for the Chateau Shereé extravaganza.

Now that we’ve had our tray-passed appetizers, let’s get to the meat.  It’s the night of the big party, SBS is in hair and makeup and she forms a prayer circle to find the strength to pull this off without appliances.  Security on deck to keep the nosey beyotches out of the unfinished, dusty areas – CHECK.  Holiday light projector found in storage, perfect for radiating “Chateau Shereé” onto the side of the house and inside walls – CHECK.  Cirque de Soleil reject twirling on a contraption over the Rent-A-Center coffee table – CHECK!

Chateau SBS Light

As the ladies arrive, they start kibitzing about the latest happenings at the OLG restaurant opening, but nobody was there for the baby-back ribs girlfriend, it was all about Apollo’s girlfriend and her search for her 15 minutes of fame.  Phaedra and Porsha conveniently take a hike so the rest of the group can talk shit.  Porsha fills Phaedra in on the OLG opening happenings, of course Phaedra thinks Kandi and Todd plotted to invite Apollo’s latest prison pen-pal.

The drama is cut short by the grand entrance of SBS in her hideous black and gold gown, looking like an insane matador from one of the square states.  She has actually hired gown-fluffers, as if she’s a bride or getting ready to break out into a Paso Doble on Dancing with the Atlanta Stars.

SBS grand entrance

The party starts to take on the appearance of a D-list celebrity death match.  It’s a parade of housewives past, Lisa Wu from the first two seasons shows up, but the real fun begins when Wigs-n-Cigs rolls in.  Oh, dear reader, her red Solo cup is full o’ boxed wine and she is ready to rumble.

Kenya saw the bat signal and made her way over the bog.  She can’t afford the $3.00 tour, so like a housewife removing groceries from her order at the cashier, she finds a way to make it work!  She recruits Kandi to dart past secuuuurrrrity and poke around in search of unfinished drywall and dusty baseboards.  They end up in the basement, which is shockingly…UNFINISHED!  Kenya feels she has hit the shade jackpot, but she is grasping at straws.  The real dirt is in the appliance-less kitchen!  Apparently, secuuuurrrrity consists of some beyotch with a top-knot who is totally asleep at the wheel.  She yells at Kenya and Kandi to get the hell out of the basement.  SBS is giving Wigs-n-Cigs a tour as said secuuuurrrrity runs in to inform her of the basement breach.  Kenya and Kandi trail in as she’s yelling “these beyotches be in yo’ basement!”  Wigs-n-Cigs ain’t havin’ it and now that she is SBS’ ride or die, she lays into Kenya.  Kenya mentions she will not be takin’ any shit from “octomom”, and the two start to exchange words.  SBS tries to forge ahead with the $3.00 tour and Kenya keeps pointing out all the ways that Chateau Shereé has copied or is inferior to Moore Manor.  Meanwhile, in the bedroom Wigs and Kandi are sorta making peace and Kenya is interfering with all the zen.  Wigs finally asks Kenya point-blank, “why are you just being an asshole?”

Wigs Cigs

She lays into her about her vagina falling out of her dress, not having a baby, or a real man at home.  Kenya fires back, six kids by three different men, a husband who has no job, and duck lips.  Dauym…while all of this is going on Frick and Frack are frolicking in the bathroom like two toddlers who have gotten into their mom’s makeup case.

Wigs and Kenya supply the pyrotechnics as they continue taking shots at each other.  SBS decides to put the kibosh on the fight, she whips off the skirt portion of her gown, as if she were a matador ready for a bull fight.  Under the gown is a catsuit, supplying ample camel toe for all to enjoy.  The camel toe has a calming effect and has squashed the drama, for now.

At the end of the night, Kandi and Phaedra sit down to finally confront their issues.  Kandi tells her she didn’t invite Apollo’s girlfriend to the OLG opening, she had nothing to do with it, and she even offers the Counselor an apology.  Which frankly, she didn’t have to do.  Kandi is doing that thing where she flies above the drama, at least until the reunion, where it appears her flight is shot down by Kamikaze cast mates.  Kandi asks Phaedra about her involvement with Johnnie’s lawsuit, but Phaedra claims she can’t speak about it and only offers that she didn’t initiate the action.  Sure, it wasn’t my idea, but when Johnnie brought it to me, I was on that shit like a hobo on a Lysol infused rag.  Kandi isn’t buyin’ what she’s sellin’, and rounds out the night, “you hate while I be great!”

In conclusion:

  • Phaedra – has her own legal woes, a judge sided with Apollo and threw out their divorce settlement, even though he’s technically still “engaged”.
  • Kandi – rakes in the coins, has more Grammy’s than anyone on this show, she co-wrote a song for Ed Sheeran.
  • Cynthia – celebrated her 50th birthday with a photo of her in a birthday suit. She and Papa Smurf are both back on Tinder, but they are not swiping right on each other.
  • Porsha – still living alone in her rented McMansion, she launched a new gimmick, a cleanse called “The Dump”, how apropos! Nothing new with her and Todd, or his chunky sweater.
  • Kenya – producing a PSA on domestic violence and the dangers of hiring D-rate actors to pose as boyfriends. She invited SBS over to Moore Manor to show her some tips on finishing a basement.
  • SBS – lives at the Chateau, despite rumors that it’s uninhabited. She is also collecting dirt for the sequel to her novel.

Next week – it’s part one of 83 of the reunion.